I think that's about how to sum me up right now. I don't know why I have been feeling off. Like, all week so far and even last week it has been me completely out of sync with anything going on. Like when you go to catch something and you know you are in place for whatever it is that is falling. And then it falls past you slightly to the left a few inches.
Yeah, that has been me for about a week and a half now and I couldn't really tell why. Like, for example, over the weekend I started hearing a noise in my car's front left tire. Like a small metal grinding. And I was worried. What now. Like the week couldn't get worse. In any event, I went to my very conspiracy theory mechanic to get it checked out on Monday and it wasn't a big deal. The metal plate that covers the brakes from rain got loose and was slightly grinding. He cut it out and that fixed that. I felt like I dodged a bullet...... Annnnnnd then the next morning I go to my car to see that very same side front tire completely flat.
But hey, small struggles. I put the donut on and proceeded to go get it replaced with a used tire. At the tire place a goddamn police chase literally was 4 feet in front of me. Like, what the fuck, life. I don't know what you're trying to tell me. The next day when I was suppose to take my mom to the doctors to do a run down on her medication, the morning I woke up far earlier than I have for the last month, I get a call that it's just going to happen over the phone. That's cool, but they can't reach my mom so now I need to go and give her my phone, which is a solid 30 minute drive from me. I mean, I was suppose to go there anyway. Turns out that doctor is moving to a different hospital and that's that for her medical professional. I'm now stressed about that, on top of being stressed that my sister, who lives in the same household as my mother but does nothing productive there for her is not taking corona virus lock down seriously.
Look, the point is my days have been filled with stress and I don't know when this bullshit is going to get any easier. Then worse, a lot of self doubt has really been coming up and biting me in the ass. Like, seriously in the worse way. June has always been a major hit to me. Last year around this time I had a mass amount of strays and indoor sanctuary cats get sick with who knows what and start dying off in a wave of shit. Then there's always the death of Anthony Bourdain that hits me hard and with Father's day this weekend... yeah, that one hits hard even though I have worked on my issues with my father for more than half a decade now.
To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. Last year I was able to go and do something to escape it all and took a road trip, that had its own levels of drama to it. But at least it felt good and it allowed me to touch on a lot of those Bourdain S.F. connections that I haven't touched on in a long time.
And touching back to the low self worth striking in my head. I don't know, it's just a really strange feeling. I know I'm an awesome guy, but fuck if my self worth right now in my mind is just super low. Like, I don't even see the value in hanging out with me right now because I just see myself as not an A-list headliner. Which really sucks and I don't have a clue how to deal with it. Other than to just tell myself shit like;
You can say all the right things and not get through to someone. you can make all the right moves and not save a relationship. You can hit all the right spots and nobody gets off. Because life isn't about being right; life is about being real. And, rel might feel fucking wrong.
And that's what is life right now. feeling really fucking wrong. Really off. Like, there's very little to be excited about and we're half way through this year and I don't know what there is to look forward to. I try to plan things but they're just brushed off or even just put to the side. I get it, times are hard, but I'm just at a loss of what I can do to motive both others as well as myself.
I mean, this post isn't getting some great sum up. It is what it is and in the moment is just how I'm feeling. Sometimes you have to be comfortable to sit in that discomfort.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
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