Thursday, April 30, 2009



I wasn't going to touch all this swine flu shit because, well, I don't want to die. That and it's a lot of media buzz for something so fucking small. The flu kills countless of people yearly and it's not media attention. The whole fact that this is spreading a bit faster gets people concerned and really, there's no need for such craze.

The only reason Mexico is so hard hit by this is because their living conditions are piss poor. They don't have good medical. Even though you can get prescription medicine over the counter there that you'd need a doctors note for here, there's mass amount of crowding on public transportation and other places where the general public gathers. So it will of course spread quickly in such areas.

At best, this is a fade pandemic. Swine flu is this weeks bird flu which was two weeks ago pandemic craze. Speaking of which, did you know that Aids just went pandemic. I like the word Pandemic. Though I think I kept hearing it for months after watching the first or second season of the wire. Those Baltimore drug dealers sure have funny names for their drugs.

Before you folks dismiss Mexicans as being completely inept at handling this situation, consider this fact. Every time you hear about travelers going to Mexico and drinking the water, there's tales of getting deathly sick. Water, of all things. Mexicans are immune to that and freely drink it. You think they survive on Tecate and Coronas? Please, that'll cost too many pesos.

You see I find the term swine offensive which is why we should name it after the mexicans

This is simply a matter that when Mexicans are sick, they still go out. My mother would push me out the fucking door every day to go to school weather I was healthy or not. Half of my high school years was spent pale sickly white and shaking. Clearly I was going to be acting like an outbreak monkey in terms of passing whatever I had around.

To give Mexico credit. They've handled this outbreak responsibly with clear transpency and have been very responsive. They've taken the steps to prevent a much larger outbreak. Closing down shops and having people stay inside. Call Mexico a shit hole if you want but they got a lot of shit together. Can't say the same thing for other places.. ahem ahem KATRINA ahem!

So it began..

Keep going out and doing your business. This seriously isn't something to be all that concerned about. And don't get me started on the potential of the phrase "SWINE" to cause hell on the food industry. For some reason people think that you get swine flu from eating pork. Morons. Well, that just means more pig for me. I hear it's a magical animal.

The best course of action is to simply build up your immunity. How? I guess eat a ton of pork. Sure, why not. Wash your hands and just keep clean. Simple as that folks. It may be the end of April but it wont be the end of you.

On a final note, it's not a MEXICAN FLU, you honkies had it first. Just cause you don't want to remember the 70's fashion doesn't mean you should block out the 70's ads as well.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Riot In The Streets

Riot In The Streets

April 29, 1992, there was a riot in the streets - where were you? I can tell you where I was. I was in school in East Los Angeles. My 12 year old ass wasn't sure what the fuck was going on. I wasn't in the heart of it all. I can see smoke from my house though. That was a trip. I can't say I was all that old to really remember it all. Even then, I may not recall a lot of my childhood but the day that the riots broke out, I for sure damn remember.

What caused this? The easy answer would be that four police officers who were charged with a beating a black motorist where acquitted of their crime and people went ballistic over this whole thing. Civil unrest broke out and for days the streets of Los Angeles were a war zone.

In all actuality this tension was there for years in the LAPD with their abuse of power and clear signs of racism. It only took a spark to ignite such a race war. The economic situation and friction between minority groups all around South Central didn't help in getting all this going.

Rodney King was beaten and the city saw it fit to release the officers. Can I say that no blame lays on King for this? No. I can't. But I don't think for a second that anyone deserves to get beat by the fuckin' cops. So when they were let off on charges there was a full blown riot that blew out.

L.A. Riots Video

Utterly insanity unfolding

The madness that unfolded over the course of those five days can't even be taken in even 17 years later. Whole city blocks went up in flames. People were carjacked as if it was some precurser to Grand Theft Auto 3. People of various colors were taken out of their car and beaten. The most famous of these folks beaten was a single driver just passing through at the wrong place on the wrong time. Reginald Denny at the now famous intersection of Florence and Normandie.

Things got so bad that the National Guard had to show up and try to maintain control. Crewfews and other preventive measures were taken. When it was all said and done over 1,000 buildings were destroyed, 10,000 people were arrested, $1 billion in damages were caused and this simple NOT GUILTY cost 53 people their lives.

Wll, I guess I can be silly after all. Here. Enjoy NPH's take on what happened during the riots in the classic episode of Doogie Howser M.D.

Joking aside, here's to hoping that sight isn't seen any time ever again.

I'm not saying police are bad people. Anyone could grow a power trip after enough time. Hell, I know a lot of great cops. Doesn't change the fact that most police are poorly-paid ignorant wage slaves employed as thugs by the same system that keeps them lower-middle-class. Fuck the police for the opression they are ordered to help bring down, you have every right to NOT like them. But at the same time, don't hate them for being accidental pawns.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: V Tea Baggers

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: V - Tea Baggers

We're about two weeks after taxes were due. I hope that you're not still in line at the post office or even worse, taking off your shoes to count how much you owe the state. Believe you me, they're going to try to get it. As for giving the returns back... Yeah, the check's in the mail, so to speak. But for all you folks who went teabagging, here's a single picture speaking a 1000 words.

Oh wait, the only thing that picture is putting in your face is that people don't like taxes. In fact, some even want zero taxes. I guess that's pretty normal. Who likes paying for services that you may not partake in. But, much like an onion, this has layers and layers in it. The simple picture is worth 1000 words simply because it tells you a lot about it. This picture needs 1000 words that aren't written on poster board size paper.

Let's see where your taxes actually go to and how ironic this picture is to be protesting them in this context.

All those things around them are bought and paid for by the tax dollars you put in. It's sort of ironic, much like wearing a Che t-shirt to protest capitalism. That is unless you got the shirt for free or something.

I have a libertarian friend that will complain about taxes in the same sentence as complaining about how the roads need to be fixed. Maybe someone just handed them those signs as well but they all appear to be literate. A big thank you to the government for the publicly funded school systems.

Another one the picture fails to get across is that there is no poisonous food pointing in everyone's stomach. Thanks to the tax paid health inspectors and food standard boards. Nor any mention of the Medicare/Medicaid that has invariably kept everyone in that picture alive and healthy to some degree.

To add to another level of irony in all this, I can tell from the street sign of "no right on red" and the type of stoplight in traffic lights that this picture was taken on a NY state maintained road. Even funnier when you consider that NYC basically pays the bills for upstate NY as far as taxes-to-spending goes.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Become An NRA Member

Become An NRA Member

I'm no gun nut. Sure, I've fired off a full auto machine gun and I've pulled the trigger to a tommy gun, but that doesn't mean I think that anyone has a justified reason for owning any sort of gun like that for home protection. But that wont stop me from getting something for free.

From their cold dead hands to your internet, the NRA is offering a free one-year membership in an attempt to boost their numbers and take advantage of the Obama freakout that is turning former patriotic Wingnuts into CSA citizens.

Check out these benefits!

* 24/7 Defense of Your Firearm Freedoms
* NRA's Freedom Times Monthly E-Letter
* Your NRA Membership Card and Decal
* Savings on Hotels, Rental Cars and More
* Invitations to Friends of NRA Dinners and Celebration of American Values Special Events


* Free Admission to NRA's Show With Over Five Acres of Guns, Gear and Outfitter Displays (with current membership) in Phoenix, 2009 - Charlotte, 2010 - Pittsburgh, 2011

I am signing up today (as a fake name of course) and so should you! Keep in mind they link to the USPS database, so you'll have to put a real address like a hotel or Wrigley Field. If you need any help with that, it's 1060 West Addison. Just pretend you're on a mission from god.

It's solely for home protection! Where's my rights to bare nuclear arms?!

I guess I never bothered looking into being an NRA member because.. well, because you people are fucking crazy. Who the hell needs to join a gun about rifles. You got some serious penis issues, man. This is just like joining the just for men hair club. Yeah, not needed and not something to brag about. I've shot a fully automatic gun in the desert once. Was it fun? Yeah, I guess it was a bit fun. A whole lot better than pissing my money away at the casinos. But not something I'd join to preserve my rights to.

When I came across this free offer I was a bit surprised by it actually. Not because it was free but because you mean to tell me that you previously had to pay to be a gun nut? I understand freedom isn't free, ZING! But paying to be a member of the NRA just cements that you're pretty fucking crazy.

I mean, 24/7 representation? it's 2am on Sunday morning, my gun rights are being threatened, who do I call? You open the window and sit on the sill, cradling your gun as suspiciously dark strangers approach your gated community

if you want to ambush the strangers, move to page 65 to put on your tactical pants
if you want to scare them away with a racist slur and a warning shot, move to page 45

If you want to see the quality piece of works you'll get from being a member, click here

Yeah..when I think about this shit, my thoughts are to not actually sign up. Sure the bumper sticker and ironicness of being a NRA member is tempting, but you don't want the NRA to have one more member to tell congress they represent. Even if the reason why hunting is still around is because it's one of the few things keeping rural towns alive after nafta moved all the local manufacturing jobs overseas. So that the only shit possible to make here is crap to blow shit up.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Stay Classy, Video Games

Stay Classy, Video Games

Video game box art sucks. The images on the covers aren't chosen for aesthetics; they're there to make the game look badass (or, for Barbie Horse Adventures, uh... cuteass.)

As recently seen on Kotaku, an artist named Olly Moss set out do do something about it. He's been creating illustrations for video games in the vein of the Penguins Classics series of paperback books. The results are stunning, as you can see:

So why not classy up all video games. I bet if they looked like a piece of art, they wouldn't be seen as "Just for Kids" by the old farts.

That does it for part 1 of this pad post. I'm sure I'll use the other

Saturday, April 25, 2009

China Gets Anal - Doesn't Like Protection

Anal China Doesn't Like Protection - This Blows

With the way that society views of sex these days becoming more liberal, these two news pieces are pretty strange while at the same time being something I'd write about. Which is double talk since I generally write about strange things. Thus the whole Collection of Odd, ruh rauh.

China doesn't like the use of Mao in Condom ads.
BEIJING: China's official media and outspoken bloggers on Friday protested over a German advert promoting the use of condoms which shows revolutionary leader Mao Zedong as a sperm cell alongside Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden.

The Communist Party's People's Daily devoted a page to the storm, quoting internet commentaries which called for the makers of the advert to apologize to China.

The Global Times newspaper said advertising agency Grey Worldwide, which made the safe sex advert for Doc Morris Pharmacies, had sent a letter of apology to the Chinese consulate in Frankfurt.

The campaign showing Mao, Hitler and Bin Laden as human spermatozoids has sparked a debate in China and among international blogging. Not all Chinese appear to agree with the official line of anger.

"I am a former worker who is now 70. I have thought about it a lot and I still cannot understand why these people defend Mao so strongly," said one comment on the website.

Last year, French car maker Peugeot Citroen apologized for using an advert in Spain which showed Mao as a cross-eyed old man.


mao sperm coming out of zedong

For a country trying to control its population through the limitation of one child per household, the whole idea of condoms should be something they warmly embrace. Something they can wrap themselves around.. Something that will... Ok, I ran out of puns here. You get the idea.

So condoms may prevent the reproduction of evil dictators. Who knows? Maybe it'll just help out everything in the long run. Especially when all is said and done, this could be of use. So what if they're using the whole "Evil" stuff. I'm sure if they used Bush as a sperm example everyone would be at agreement with this situation.

So what other evil sperm did they use for this ad, you ask?

Which is odd because I would imagine that sperm to be covered by more cloths..

Now that's the sperm that doesn't need condoms. When it sees that it's not the one chosen for the egg it'll just get into a bunker and kill itself. Har har.

Moving on to more things that blow... or at least do the job for you..

Has your girlfriend ever explained her complete hatred of going down you? Well perhaps you're just using the wrong tools. Perhaps you should take into consideration the Blow Job Mouth Aid is here to rescue your situation. Careful now, that link may not be safe for work. But if you're reading this blog at work, you should be fired. So what does the Doctor behind this piece of shit equipment has to say about the matter?

Dr. Joe said:

A 47 year old female patient came to see me a few years back. I made her a beautiful set of upper and lower dentures (she had no teeth). They looked and fit great!! She left the office satisfied. The very next day she returned to the office unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her teeth moved when she gave her boyfriend a blow-job the night before. I joked with her and told her to take out her teeth - that he would love that. She said that he didn't know that she didn't have teeth. So I took the dentures from her and made a soft custom night guard to cover the teeth. The next day she called me and was very happy.

It worked. Blowguard™ novelty toys for couples was born!

The only type of woman whom I could imagine having dentures at 47 and complaing to the dentist about how they interfere with her BJ givings is some janked meth addict living in a trailer park

I did not think I'd see a product that could actually make me avoid blowjobs. Amazingly enough, this product makes me not want head at all. The use and care video is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever watched. That poor girl's face during the money shot isn't going to be moving any product any time soon.

It's essentially a lower jaw mouth guard with a vibrating piece at the end that sticks out the mouth. Seems like it would feel pleasurable, though its the same concept as a vibrating cock-ring condom. And really, you're not feeling anything other than a little jiggling motion that is pretty pointless.

The reason why old people are still having sex.

I don't know how it supposedly stops the movement: If you adhere it to the fake teeth they are not being anchored and they would still move. So, her problem wasn't solved.

In the video however the woman looked like she didn't have any lower teeth when she put it in, but the woman he originally made it for didn't want her boyfriend to know she had no teeth. So, if you use it without teeth he still didn't solve her other problem. I'm not really sure how he actually helped her like he says. How about more testimonial?

We are an older couple that wears dentures. We are active in the swingers lifestyle. The blowguard fits over my dentures and when Im giving other men blowjobs, my teeth don't move.

Thank you!
Howard and Elaine T. California

Oh dear. Oh god. Why are people old enough to have full sets of dentures still active in the swinging community? I don't know about you but I would never take part in the swinging community. When I think of swingers I think of a couple of people stuck in 70's haircuts sitting in a hot tub being all creepy like with a ton of chest hair. Yeah, not what I need to picture.

I know I'm over thinking this but let's get the break down here so everyone knows the score on this matter. The dentist says his patient has no teeth, so he makes her dentures. The VERY NEXT DAY he tells her to take them out when giving a BJ. But she says her boyfriend doesn't know she has no teeth.

So a.) She's been dating her boyfriend for less than 24 hours, b.) she had other dentures that were so wrecked she needed new ones (and the boyfriend never noticed the difference), or c.) bullshit.

Nitpicking, yes, but these details bother me. And with that disturbing discovery, I'm calling it a night.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Go Animated Joe!

Go Animated Joe!

In what is the most interesting turn of events, crazy comic writer Warren Ellis wrote a new animated G.I. Joe cartoon. Which seems as an odd thing. I recently made a trek into watching my old childhood favorite cartoons since they started showing up on DVD. They were all pretty terrible. So the news of G.I. Joe Resolute is pretty interesting
G.I. Joe: Resolute is an animated series based on the G.I. Joe franchise, written by Warren Ellis and produced by Sam Register.[1] The series will be released online as ten 5-minute episodes and one 10-minute final episode. These episodes will then form an hour-long movie. The movie is scheduled for broadcast on Teletoon in Canada on April 24 as part of post 9 pm programming block, Teletoon Detour and on Cartoon Network on April 24, 2009. It will be directed by Joaquim Dos Santos.
If you've ever read anything by Warren Ellis, the man is pretty graphic. He also likes to toss in all the future tech WMD stuff. Particle beams and all that crazy shit. It's all either based on existing military projects or speculative science, he loves that crap.

We should get it out there early. The whole thing's an outlet to promote and sell a line of toys. You're better off understanding that up front. Once upon a time there was a "G.I. Joe" soldier character, and later on the line evolved to describe an entire squad of varied military almost-stereotype characters.

The idea of G.I. Joe and Cobra being actual characters in a story owes most to the work of Larry Hama, who wrote most of the G.I. Joe comic books, starting when Marvel Comics had the license and continuing through it being traded between smaller-press comics publishers. It's had a continuity that's been rebooted at least twice, once to coincide with a new toy line and one to ape "anime style" cartoons thought to be popular. This current one actually seems a lot closer to the comic books.

Unlike the cartoons, the old comic books had a lot of death in them. They didn't use laser beams as bullets and they actually hit their target every now and then. In a sense, this cartoon is a true version of G.I. Joe. Especially closer to a realistic view of the modern style of combat.

So Adult Swim will be showing the entire 90 minutes of this with ads on Saturday night/Sunday Morning but you can see G.I. Joe Resolute on Adult Swim's website broken into 5 minute segments right now.

I posted the first few episodes here so you can get a taste of it.

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

You can find the rest over at Adult Swim's Website

Yes, it's everything you've ever wanted in a GI Joe cartoon. Screw the live action movie, this is the GI Joe everyone wanted to see. I know what you're thinking. What could be more American than turning a popular 80's show into anime? The animation seems to be done by the same company that worked on The Boondocks. The whole thing sounded retarded and even with Ellis, I was skeptical but once watching it, I'm pretty damn excited.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't give a shit about Snake Eyes. Yeah, he's a ninja. Do you really see a lot of ninja's in the armed forces? Fuck that douche. Even worse is that Ray Park is playing him in the movie and everyone seems to be drooling over this very short actor who had a whole zero lines in Star Wars because his voice sucks and was killed off quickly. Way to fuckin' go, you douche. And while his intro to this cartoon on Cobra island is pretty kick ass, it's still the same ol' shit of ninja vs. generic troopers. Hey, how about we step away from the stereotype Anime shit.

You have to love the fact that for once Cobra Commander actually committed a real terrorist act without fucking it up. Maybe that was the entire appeal of this. G.I. Joe introduced a generation of 80's kids to the idea of a "Terrorist force bent on conquering the world". Shit, they buttered us up to actually being open to accept this stupid War on terror shit.

We weren't so scared of the word back then. No wonder they tossed it around a kids show so easlier. I guess that's why this cartoon cranks it up a notch. If you were going to tell the story about a global bad guy group and call them terrorists, you'd really have to top 9/11. Least we never forget what happened then.

The whole process of destroy shit and bumping this up to 11 on the crazy notch seems pretty interesting. If you're a fan of Warren Ellis, you should read this, too.

Warren Ellis said:

The people at Hasbro were actually remarkably supportive. And I did apologise after shouting at them those times. And they did give me one of those conversations that you never really expect to have when growing up:

HASBRO: No, Warren, you cannot wipe Beijing from the face of the earth.

ME: Shit. (pause) What about Moscow?

HASBRO: Wiping Moscow from the face of the earth would be fine
Yeah, I would have liked to have been a fly in that room. They're even making a way to import silly characters like shipwreck into the crowd. Sure, they kill Bazooka in the first episode without having him blow up a single thing and they make it so that Road Block doesn't rhyme whatever he's saying anymore. But those are losses that can be accepted. Collateral damage, so to speak. I really don't know how they would have done Ice Cream Soldier into this anyway. That's even a task too big for Ellis.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Day After Earth Day

The Day After Earth Day

Well, it's done with. Earth day is a thing of yesterday. You can actually go back to your wasteful ways now. I mean, it's not like Earth day was partially created by a murderer. The fella's name is Ira Einhorn and he's laying claim to helping found the whole concept behind Earth day.

I say we stop telling people to save this fucking planet, we're doomed, people are generally worthless and don't deserve to survive beyond what we're heading to. We're only making it so that the time humans survive on this planet gets shorter and shorter. So maybe it is a good thing that we have a holiday to teach the kids how to take care of the planet. But what will the listen to?

Oh yeah, TV. Kids love that shit. They sit in front of the boob tube and watch cartoons all day. Back in my day we had Captain Planet. But Captain Planet was horrible TV. You had terribly characters calling for the planet's power to save them when they were in trouble. Way to pass the buck there. Constantly fighting with a pollution rat trying to get pollution down to zero. How is that sharing this planet with everyone?

Then again now in retrospect the entire cast of characters were gross stereotypes and it attempted to be 'diverse' by just stereotyping everyone and everything in its path, regardless of color. I love how the South American had a goofy "mystic" power that was completely useless and was basically the retarded sidekick of the American.

Dr. Blight is my favorite eco-villain. She always seemed so enthusiastic about things and wasn't as gross as that rat guy.

*She develops a laser to turn the spirit of earth into a homeless person*
*She cuts down the Tree of Life, turning a reservation into a superfund site in the process*
*She goes back in time and sells nukes to Hitler*

Surprisingly, eco-villainy was just her back-up career. She used to test nerve gas on humans, but quit after accidental exposure horrifically scarred the left side of her face.

Perhaps the best Captain Planet episode was the one where the American brought peace to Northern Ireland. I think half of Belfast is blown up in the episode or something.

Yeah, good luck with that peace shit, homie.

I guess no one has considered that Captain Planet is almost singlehandedly responsible for the resistance towards widespread nuclear power.

Besides, it's not like people were actually afraid of nuclear power if it wasn't for such hate done by Captain Planet. Sure, the China syndrome may have freaked some people out but the fact that I have to explain the China syndrome right now means it wasn't THAT big of a shit. What the China syndrome calls for is that it'll eat through the fuckin' earth and create a hole all the way to china.

Has anyone thought of the negative attention caused by Earth day. All those stupid conservatives that declare that they will leave all their lights on all day and idel their car for hours and crank their heat and their A/C up all to be counter culture.

Normally, those of us with sanity sit Earth Day out, while schools frighten kids with apocalyptic tales of the earth being destroyed, because we enjoy a high standard of living. Nothing escapes blame -- the cars we drive, the kind of light bulbs we use, or even the kind of bags we shop with.

Don't make this Indian cry.

While it's nice to not be wasteful when shopping, I doubt the reusable shopping bags have that much of an impact. In fact, I doubt we are looking at ourselves a bit to proudly in thinking that we have the power to destroy this planet. We have done a lot to save the people of earth. That's about it. Long after we are dead the planet will be here. Be it a bit warmer because the sun is closer. But it'll be here in its pure form.

Earth day is not about saving the planet. It's about keeping rent control in place. If we screw around with the environment then it'll create a difficult system that we'll live in. The recycling and all the reusing of materials is great for the sole purpose of keeping things better. So when trying to educate your children about Earth day, focus on aspiring greatness in keeping that status quo, those cooler temps and the ice caps to a level that we can live on. To continue the legacy of having animals not go extinct.

This one, I suppose you can make cry.