MAMMA MIA - OH HOW WE ARE GOING AGAIN


There's another Mamma Mia movie out there in the world. The trailer looked insufferable. I'm sure it'll make a billion dollars... Oh, what's that? Am I getting to cranky already in this article.. what is that you say, The Onion? Gonna lay some truth on me in my bubble...... Oh here we go again.



I fully admit that over the weekend I took the two hours to just indulge in the guilty pleasure of watching Mamma Mia on Netflix. Why? I have no idea. I mean, I really don't. Maybe I just don't want to admit to it, but I enjoyed it. Yes, it was mostly to escape the harsh problems in life with the wonderful styling of the music of ABBA.

I mean, it was good campy fun in spite of Streep and Bronsan's singing. I did also find the fact that all these 60 year old actors are singing about being foolish kids, but the reality and I guess I should have checked my mind at the door on this one, is that when 20 year old Sophie was born, they would all be hovering around the 40 year old mark, and I can tell you as a 38 year old, I'm not currently singing about all the young foolishness I'm up to. 

Look, the singing was pretty cringe. I mean, very fucking cringe.  So I'll get in to real talk - I think that while Streep is Hollywood royalty, Lily James is great and if Baby Driver taught us anything, it's that the camera loves her. The film is indeed what the Onion says, something to just get away from it and enjoy. Stop trying to make everything so art house. This was what it was. empty calories when you just want to stuff yourself with that pint of ice cream. Because let's face it, if you open a pint of ice cream, that fucker had no chance of ever surviving the night and getting back in to the fridge. No way. No how. You were going to end it and end it bad.

So yeah, that Onion fake review hit a little close to home. I should be less cranky.

MY, WHAT BIGFEET YOU HAVE THERE

MY, WHAT BIGFEET YOU HAVE THERE

It's moments like this that I look back at our great nation and wonder how the fuck did we get here? I mean. What was the path and where did we just make a hard left to get to where we are now and how in the fuck do we even make our way back to the normality. I speak of course on the fact that this is now our Political news controversy

Bigfoot Porn and the Republican Candidate who had to deny that he's into it after being called out by his Democratic rival

A Democratic candidate in a hotly contested U.S. House race in Virginia has accused her opponent of supporting white supremacists — oh, and also of liking Bigfoot porn.

You know, I like to think that I have my finger on the pulse of all things going on in the social media world, but I can honestly say that I have never heard about Bigfoot Porn. But let's back up for a second. I have to ask again, how is it that in 2018, that statement doesn't end with the disqualification of this candidate where the sentence "Support white supremacists". The fact that it's now normal to have crazy nazi level views and that's still not enough to get you tossed out of the competition is still so strange to me.

What happened America?

Let's move on. Okay, so you just accused your opponent of what? Having a thing with Erotic Bigfoot porn? I have no idea what the fuck that is. Let's go to the reel to figure out what the hell Bigfoot porn actually is.

My opponent Denver Riggleman, running mate of Corey Stewart, was caught on camera campaigning with a white supremacist. Now he has been exposed as a devotee of Bigfoot erotica. This is not what we need on Capitol Hill. pic.twitter.com/0eBvxFd6sG

— Leslie Cockburn (@LeslieCockburn) July 29, 2018

Well, that's a new turn for political back and forth. I mean, is it a low blow to bring up your rivals' erotic fan fiction in your race for capital hill? I mean, no other dirt can come close to that right?  Wrong. It gets better. So so much better.

From my opponent Denver Riggleman’s Bigfoot erotica collection. pic.twitter.com/ELe0TWJh21

— Leslie Cockburn (@LeslieCockburn) July 29, 2018

At this point, I'm going to say that if your best friends know you have some weird as fuck thing with bigfoot to the point that they photoshop your head in such a crude way to a crudely draw bigfoot with bigdong sketch, I think you just need to realize you talk about your goddamn fetish too damn much.

For example, at this point all my friends clearly know that I have a type - redheads. In fact, they tell me that. I felt bad that they know that much about my sexual perversions. And yet I have not gone to the level of what this dude's friends this. Such... oddness.

Then again, I'm not really sure where Bigfoot Erotica falls in terms of Republican Christian standards. I mean, it is still one of God's creations, right? Does it not deserve love as well? And let's face it, wanking it to Bigfoot Erotica seems low on the scale of awful shit Republicans do. At least he's not diddling littlefoots, if you catch what I'm saying.

I shouldn't have to do this, but yet again I have to point out, Riggleman was caught on camera campaigning with a white supremacist. That should have been all to bury this guy. I don't see how we still need to pile on top of that the dude's strange fetish, as odd and funny as it may be, because again, HIM SUPPORTING A WHITE SUPREMACIST SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF HIM!

If not that, at least can we admit that Denver Riggleman just sounds like an odd name. I think if I had that name, and mine isn't all that much more friendly for the vocalization, I wouldn't be running to public life. I don't need to see my name on yard signs if I'm that name.  Then again, Leslie Cockburn isn't something that should be plastered everywhere. Trust me, you don't want to see a giant Cockburn billboard on your commute driving home. 

So yeah. Get out to vote or you may be represented by someone who loves some weird ass shit on the internet... I know Rule 43 and all, but this is just one for the books. Just a little more of 2018 being full on 2018

EXECUTIVE MEMBER WIENERS - A COSTCO TALE

EXECUTIVE MEMBER WIENERS - A COSTCO TALE

To say I'm a fan of Costco is an understatement. I'm there at least weekly for my large consumer goods as well as even the small shit like the cheese selection. Which when I say small, I guess that's not really an indication that they sell small portions of cheese, I call it a Javier portion of cheese since it's about the size I want to keep around at all times.

I'm a bit of a cheese whore, you see.

And even though I don't have a large family to supply for, I still make my way there weekly for purchases. While there, I used to enjoy the food court. I say that because as awesome as a buck fifty hot dog or a two dollar size of really greasy pizza is, the wait in line has grown and I honestly don't have fucking time for that bullshit anymore.

It's true. I go in to costco and if there's more than five people in line, I can't handle that shit. The same thing happens every time as well, as limited as the menu is, it takes a solid few minutes for folks to realize and start wondering what they want at the goddamn window. It used to be the menu wasn't that extensive. Well, now it's just gotten a whole lot worse.

They're throwing up random stuff on there like a soy based Al Pastor salad. Which, let me just say shouldn't exist. I get it, soy-rizo from trader joe's is passable, but come the fuck on. I'm eating a salad at costco, at the very least you can give me REAL Al Pastor This fake shit is just going to piss me off more. Their salad is decent and has huge chunks of chicken in there to make you feel like you're just not eating rabbit food. It also, in true Costco fashion, feeds about a family of four easily.

What is causing the stir though, is the fact that your hot dog options are suddenly limited to just... a hot dog.  Wait, what? Yeah, you see, the Polish hot dog was once on the menu as an option when you ordered. It was either a Hebrew National or a Polish Hot Dog. The Hebrew National became too expensive for them to retain that $1.50 price tag, and so they changed those out for a house made dog. But the Polish hot dog was always the one I choose. It was great, but also it was one that I seldom ever saw anyone else even bother with.

But the unthinkable has happened. Costco unveiled a new menu for its food court and the biggest change is fucking social media over like crazy. No more goddamn Polish Hot Dog. And the masses are going ape shit. Why exactly? I have no goddamn clue. I honestly don't feel like my life is any different now without the option of a Polish sausage in my mouth. You want tubed meat, you'll get your fix with the already offered hot dog. No big deal, to be honest.

In any part, I guess the reason everyone is losing their shit is because they tossed on the board some healthy options like an Acai Bowl. which, if I'm being honest, I don't give a fuck as to what exactly that is, let alone why it exist. I guess it's the latest diet craze? I don't really know or care. Another option is a $5 Burger, which, I can be perfectly honest in saying, I will never ever ever fucking buy that. Why the hell would I want to spend five bucks on a burger at costco when there's really cheap food options. I don't have an ounce of faith in that burger even being remotely worth half that price and if I wanted a hamburger, I could just go to a fast food drive thru window if I'm craving that shit.


I do love the quote that the company's chief executive said about that already mentioned Al Pastor salad;

“This new plant-based protein salad, I know that excites you. But it is healthy. And, uh, actually, it tastes pretty good, if you like those kind of things. I tried it once.”
-Craig Jelinek 

 Sure sounds like a ringing endorsement. Talk about enthusiasm.

In any event, a #SaveThePolishDog movement has started and I'm still confused on who really ordered it very often. And at a buck and a half, what's the point of arguing for it to remain. You know you'll just order the stupid slice of pizza or a churro, they do have the best prices in town for them. Makes me never want to spend more than that for a Churro ever. Especially when I see the prices at Disney for those dough sticks of sugar.

So yeah, save the polish or don't. Who the fuck cares any more. Just don't get rid of those 25 cent bottled water machines inside the store. Even though they'll never go to the actual button location you pressed, getting a cold kirkland bottle of water on these hot days is just a miracle in itself.

STAYING GOLD

STAYING GOLD

While I still haven't finished a piece that I have been slowly working on about the passing of Anthony Bourdain, don't worry, that long winded sappy post is coming soon, but another food legend has left us.  Jonathan Gold -The Los Angeles Times Pulitzer Prize-winning food writer and essentially the man who changed the way the world saw Los Angeles eating and the more important aspect - how Los Angeles saw eating out.

Today would have been his birthday and well, it's a bit of a triggering effect for me personally, as Jonathan passed away after only discovering that he had Pancreatic cancer a few weeks prior to succumbing to the illness. Triggering because my own father passed away of the same cancer right before his birthday. Much like J. Gold, the man loved to eat and discover those secret places all over town.

What made Jonathan Gold special was that he was less of a face and more of a voice guiding you to the hidden treasures the city had to offer. I related to him and felt  simpatico with him because he spoke about all the spots I grew up finding on my own in terms of authentic Asian cuisine in the San Gaberial Valley. While he also wrote about the standard white cloth fine dining, the man had a huge knack for speaking about the hole in wall spots that were attached to strip malls, carts along the side of the road and, well, the food scene that I knew about for the longest time.

He was a voice for the minority and often overlooked and put the spotlight on their food offerings. A legend when it came to street food. He promoted the hell out of places like Kogi tacos and Guerrilla Tacos. Two spots that he talked about and can very well easily say that changed the food scene in L.A. completely.

Little Asian hole in the walls that were often scoffed at because of their location were given a second chance because they let the food do the talking and not just the presentation of the location. Embracing different cultures and what they provided in their culinary offerings was his number one goal. Writing passionately about the whole scene and putting it on a pedestal the likes of any high end restaurant.

Since today is his birthday, a lot of spots that he pushed and we are thankful for it, are honoring the man. The L.A. Times building in El Segundo will light its building, as well as other spots like City Hall, The Broad, and the natural history museum will pay the man tribute. Chinatown will project City of Gold, his documentary which is amazing in itself as it is a love letter to the L.A. food scene, during it's Chinatown Nights event.



Honestly, this man was the representation of what we love in the city. A mixing of cultures and embracing of it to see what we can come up with together and how we can learn from one another. Eating wasn't something to brag about. It was something to enjoy and learn from. To see as a gift and a representation of one's self to the world. This is what I love about Gold. This is what I will miss the most. I've crossed paths with him at several food events and always was the kindest of souls.   

If you want to donate to the family he was suddenly taken away from, there is a Go Fund Me page for him. Honestly, I don't usually post those since I feel like instead of Universal healthcare, our country has Go Fund Me post instead and that's sad, but to help cover the cost of funeral and the expenses ahead in such an unplanned death, It'll help the family. So give if you can. Or don't. No worries. Just throwing it out there. His wife has tossed out some other charities as well. Those wishing to honor Gold’s life consider supporting any of these nonprofit organizations: L.A. Regional Food Bank, Hirshberg Foundation for Pancreatic Cancer Research, Heal the Bay or Al Otro Lado.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT

God, I'm so happy this film is coming out this week. It just means that I will never have to see the shitty trailer again when I go to the movies. I have no idea what it is, but I guess since the concentrated amount of times I have been going to the flicks lately has increased, the chance of seeing the trailer for this film has just gone way up where I pray every time that it won't be in the previews.

Also, why is it that Tom Cruise is still a thing? Can we all just decide to stop supporting this douche bag actor? He's a crazy cultist who I just don't see as a lead anymore. Let's be honest with ourselves and he's starting to look really old Besides that, there's only so many times you can listen to a bad techno version of the Mission Impossible theme song.

And even if this film isn't bad or the story isn't forced, I do think we can all just get a little tired of the formula in which it's mostly them getting disavowed and then spending a bunch of time building up some ridiculous heist style mission that's over in five minutes. The worst part is that out of all the movies, the first one still had the best heist style portion. So it's just been complete trite bullshit since.

On top of that, Hunt has done nothing but prove to his government over and over and over again that he can just kick flip back and save the world with a spunky small group and not to mention that his loyalty has never wavered and yet here we are on the billionth time that they can't help but fall over themselves to brand him a traitor at every chance they can.

They also sort of dealt with him getting married to Michelle Monahgan in the weirdest way possible. Simon Pegg just sort of mentions off hand at the beginning of MI4 something along the lines of "Oh, sucks to hear things didn't work out with your wife" and then Tom Cruise kinda glares at him annoyed and we then get Jeremy Renner, the ugliest leading actor in Hollywood.

Then again, Michelle was only in the series because J.J. Abrahams just loves to turn any franchise into Alias so he could use his favorite "Oh no, my family can't find out I'm a spy" bullshit story line. Though, I forgot if she showed back up at the end of another movie. Honestly, it's all so goddamn forgettable. Yet here we are eagerly awaiting the next installment that has Tom slingshotting himshelf across the top of the Earth's atmosphere like a skipping stone until he attains full speed escape velocity and sends himself to the heart of the dying sun's core and reignites it through sheer force of will saving everyone and proving that he's not a traitor to his country like they branded him earlier in the film.

THE MANDELA EFFECT

THE MANDELA EFFECT

I was cruising through Netflix the other day and "Interview with the Vampire" came up as one of my recommendations, which was odd, because for some reason I had remembered seeing a film similar to this but it being called Interview with A Vampire. I didn't let this little piece of pointlessness sneak past me and rushed to the internet to the source of all answers - Wikipedia. Which did state that the book was also called Interview with THE Vampire. That doesn't even make logical sense! I tell myself. The main guy is just a vampire. Why would they give him the title THE?

Clearly this is another fuck up in the timeline and just more proof that we are living in a simulator and someone just decided to grammar check the source code and fucked up with this one. Just more proof of the Mandela effect.

And before we let it go by for too long with you wondering what the fuck was I watching on Netflix that would suddenly suggest that I watch Interview with the Vampire? I mean, I'll just be honest and I did watch Twilight. You know, the first of all my loves. Don't question my emotional needs of love that is forbidden.

Perfect that this topic came up... I mean, it's not like I don't guide my writing material in itself, but you get what I mean. The Mandela Effect, named after Nelson Mandela, who last Wednesday would have been 100 years old... wait, is he still alive? I'm just not sure anymore. When did he die and in which time line/Universe did he die younger and maybe there's one right now where he is still celebrating turning 100. We just don't know and in reality we just don't remember very well.

The Mandela effect should just be called the moron effect because the only people it really affects are folks who brains don't work all that well and just simply can't remember stuff properly. It's a situation where things don't make a whole lot of sense, for example, that Vampire movie in itself, most folks just assumed it was interview with a vampire because it's a sort of dumb title using "the" and much like most Mandela Effects, it's just stuff people automatically correct themselves in their brain.

Take for example Empire Strikes Back. "Luke, I am your father", how exactly would you deliver that like? "No, I am your father" flows a lot better and really allows for a more authoritative sounding delivery.  To quote it with "Luke" just provides context to what the line is referring to, so I imagine that we all just remember it that way to be referential to one another when we talk about it. At some point people just accepted a perception as reality.

As for Sinbad and Shazaam, well I have nothing for you there. We talked to death about that one already and there's really nothing more to say. You saw a picture of Sinbad as a Genie in the library and just assumed all black people look the same when seeing a poster for the movie with Shaq in it. You racist. deal with it. I'm surprised you aren't saying this is the Morgan Freeman Effect.

:drops mic:
:walks away:

SHARK WEEK

SHARK WEEK   

IT'S MOTHER FUCKIN' SHARK WEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! The real question now is who the hell actually cares that it's shark week? I mean, you know, aside from the President of the U.S. when he's trying to rawdog a porn star in a hotel room. I mean, let's be real, the whole shark week is just a gimmick, right?

And I'm sure you're thinking that the 10 year old is like all about it and mocking your denial of shark week with suggestions that maybe you should fight 10 year old you. I don't think so, buddy. You don't even have the smallest understanding of how to time travel works and that situation of kicking your own ass just isn't possible.

If you were to tell me that you wait all year long for this and you're a real fan of sharks and shark related information, I'd probably think that you're lying to me. It seems sort of like IFL Science. It's really only cool to say you like it but I'm also guessing most people never actually watch any of it and that's why it's still actually a thing that is referenced? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I'd much prefer to celebrate Cephalopod Week.

Now that I think about it, why is there a shark week but no human week? This shit is straight up reverse racism all up in this bitch. Besides, the majority of shark week shows have more recap and recap bullshit than the worst offenders in Reality TV shows and so much sensationalist nonsense, that you're better off watching 15 minutes of shark videos on youtube than you would of several hours of the shows in terms of actual content. 

In reality, what's the content you are getting? How you're more likely to die in a fall that get killed by a shark? Oh man, I can't wait to watch this new special because the shark is going to bite some stuff and I'll go Holy shit! because that is what sharks do best. Mostly because they are tubes with mouths on the front so that makes them good at biting. Clearly I have paid attention to shark week in the past and learned something. Every now and then they'll show a really big shark and I'll start to question my own mortality.

Speaking of which, Does Meg come out during Shark Week? Because it would be pretty stupid if that wasn't the case. Completely missed opportunity there at product tie in. I mean, if they're tying in together with Shaq, then why the hell not with a giant shark? While we're on the subject, why isn't Universal putting ads during these week for Shrek? I see all these really good tie ins and money signs. Get on it, Capitalistic television!

It used to be a big deal. And yeah, like the first few years it was a fun thing, but I don't know, over time we all just got lazy and let ourselves go so shark week just hasn't had the same appeal. I mean, there's only so much information out there about sharks. They gotta punch it up and show us some new info about sharks or spice it up somehow. Move on to another animal, perhaps? Though it has to be an apex predator like a lion, a tiger or bear... oh my.  Because really, sharks are cool and all, but fuck that shit if you think I'm going to watch shark shows for an entire week. Now with the internet, my friend. No ma'am.

Over all, the last few shark weeks have been a real let down. It's always been years and years of waiting for even a single marine biologist to get eaten. I'll even accept a photographer getting chomped on. But nothing. Maybe this year, my friends. Maybe this year.

Or maybe it'll just be more stupid shit like seeing if Michael Phelps can swim as fast as a great white shark. I mean, that just makes me want to destroy all known TVs and just go back to the stone age of actually communicating with one another.  Anyhow, Let's just call it a day with the sharks and move on to better animals.

UNDER THE GUNN - INTERNET HISTORY WILL BITE YOU

UNDER THE GUNN - INTERNET HISTORY WILL BITE YOU

Disney, apparently after two successful Guardians of the Galaxy films, realized it hired the director of Slither - a horror movie about phallic creatures that turn you in to zombies with dildos sticking out of your body, and then promptly fired him. A strange turn of events. I wonder how long it will take for them to realize that their main actor is the fat dumb dude from  Parks and Recs before they recast him.

Okay, it was more than that. It was very poor rape and NAMBLA jokes, which, let's be honest, Jon Stewart was making NAMBLA jokes on the daily show for yours. In fact, calling many of the daily correspondence NAMBLA experts.  Were the jokes in very poor taste... yes. very much so. They were low brow as low brow can get. I'm talking dead baby jokes poor taste. But they were from MANY years ago and, let's be fair, the man is a comedian... soooooo. I dunno. I'm willing to just say you had a long time to sort through this landmine before figuring out it wasn't to brand image.

The lesson you can learn from James Gunn's firing is simple - the internet is the best tool you will ever need, but it is also the means of your own destruction. Anything you have written on here. Anything you will write on here... well, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I'm just waiting for the day till my geocities site devoted to Neon Genesis Evangelion gets revealed and my pipe dream of a writing career comes to a crashing and sudden end.

Kind of funny that after keeping Song of the South locked away for years - while still having a ride based off it in the parks, and editing out the insensitive centaur scene, that they never actually did anything about the other two photos in that meme

I sort of wonder how long it'll be until we are forever marked by our actions in a damaging long lasting way. The whole notion of something going on your permanent record was a constant fear growing up until we realized it was bullshit. Now with the way the internet logs just about everything and never lets you forgot a single thing, it is more important to know what it is that you are leaving in terms of a mark in what you say and do.

Was this an overreaction. I would say yes. Is the subject not appropriate? Of course not. It's stupid jokes from a comedian made a long time ago and Disney had the proper methods and long enough time to vet this stuff. So I'm really surprised that it coming out now, after two very successful films really matters. No one was accusing him of any misconduct towards themselves.

If making snarky comments in your past will doom you from being a productive creator in the future... well, shit. I'm just fucked. Not to mention that a lot of the things you have enjoyed in the past.... made by people with questionable moral character. I have posted a solid 2,600 articles. I have 2,000 yelp reviews... which, I guess I don't give a shit about, but the creative writing I have used in those can basically also be used against me. What I'm saying is that the paper trail on the internet that you leave behind yourself is pretty damning.

Also, I'm beyond fucked because I have left very little in my wake except snarky ass commentary. Hell, whenever someone meets me in person and they know about me online but I don't know about them at all, I usually assume I have insulted them or given them so much shit that it's time to pay long over due check of getting sucker punched.

Look, I just don't think this is a problem with not keeping up with the progressive moral. In fact, this was a targeted attack by a notorious right wing troll who dug up the past and weaponized morality with his legion of fans. It's like, nobody who identifies as progressive called for Gunn to be fired and those who toss around the phrase snowflakes are the ones completely being the offended party here.

The grand take away from all this is you better scrub your post and internet history pretty well, because someone will find it and in an age were we are all connected and the dirt you just don't want to see is stuff you inadvertently posted yourself all that time ago.

AND SO IT ENDS

AND SO IT ENDS

That's it. leave, go home. The lines won't be around for comic con. No, you can't depend on Line Con to be the only thing that causes you to wait. The drive back.. oh, that has its own form of a line in the way of traffic. But yes, now it's the time honored tradition to shake my fist at all the lines that have gone by this week and wonder if I should do it again... a 20 year tradition.

COLLECTORS IN A DIGITAL WORLD

COLLECTORS IN A DIGITAL WORLD

Posting from San Diego Comic Con, I can tell you one thing that really sticks out to me more and more these days is how the collectors market and the collectors mentality has completely changed over the last decade.

It used to be that you would save your movie ticket stubs for whatever film you went to or concert you happen to be sharing a moment about. Now a days, that's not the case. You seldom even have a paper receipt to remember your time. It's all done digitally. Nothing more to frame up or put in that memorabilia book  - Hell, all that is kept online in the cloud anyway. We have a digital shadow these days. No longer do we have things that are tangible to hold on to.

So walking through the floor of the convention, It struck me that there's still a lot of things hold on to hold for that consumer purchase in the world collectors market. But the point for them has long since past. Posters and even variant covers to comics just seem pointless. You can do a simple right click and save as to keep that special art in your hard drive forever without even paying to frame it.

Folks have digital music now a days. I still like to collect LP's and play them in a more hands on approach than just clicking on an icon in a tablet. But I do see the ease of all that. But it's true and ironic that CD's did not kill the record. And while I bought a lot of art books at Comic Con, a lot of artist sketch books and what not, it's more to show support for them and their work. I know a lot of which I could just find online and enjoy. But there is a huge aspect to supporting the creative arts behind it all. 

Recently while trying to organize all the stuff I have around in boxes that I haven't seen in years, I have been thinking about this. The mentality of the collectors view has completely changed. Sure, there's still limited bullshit trinkets that you see folks chasing, but there's a lot of questions as to why even do that chase. I don't see the point of buying a lot of things here at comic con because I don't want to carry it the mile or so down to my hotel room. I'll just pay the little extra on ebay or wherever after the show and it'll get shipped to me. But I still question on if I even need that shit. It's a tough one to answer when I really think about it.

Because the reality is... I don't.

You can't take it with you when you're dead. And I am certainly getting up there in age. Sure, not to the point of my demise, but I'm starting to really reevaluate how much I buy of whatever and what use I actually have of it.

Just like I look at my stacks of hard drives and wonder when the hell am I ever going to tackle that series of 1's and 0's. The amount of music, movies, shows, programs and books in those hard drives basically puts the Library of Alexandria to shame. We have come to the point were we could fit the mass of world knowledge in a suitcase. It's really crazy when you think about it and now a days we don't even value all that knowledge like we really should.

I'm going off the rails here. My point is that collecting shit has come to a new reality and they're just trying to scrape by any stupid excuse as to what to term as collectors items to sell to you and make a buck. The whole term collectors is just a stupid excuse to make you buy shit and we should probably stop encouraging it altogether.

I know I buy my fair share of crap, but in reality, you're just leaving a mess behind for your loved ones when you die. I have tons and tons of boxes from my Uncle who basically died almost twenty years ago that I still have no idea what to do with. Yeah, some neat stuff in there, but in the end, it's all just junk that means nothing and you are better off collecting memories and experiences and growing bonds with people than just buying shit you won't use and will be someone else's problem.

So maybe I won't buy those Bob's Burgers plastic toys. I mean... I really want them but......

ADAM WEST WAS A STRANGE MAN

ADAM WEST WAS A STRANGE MAN 

I mean, did I really have to break that shocking news to you? Clearly not. But during this Comic Con weekend, I figure that while I'm nerding it up with a fuck ton of other sweaty, crop dusting mother fuckers in the San Diego heat, I would leave you a little piece that was very strange to me, even knowing full well that 60's Batman was just one strange fucker. May he rest in peace... cause who the fuck gets kicked out of an orgy with the Riddler?

What’s your favorite memory of Frank Gorshin? He defined that role so well.

Well, I think one of my favorite memories is that Frank and I were invited to a party one night and we decided to go, a Hollywood party we didn’t know anything about. We were kind of laughing and having a few beers and said, "Let’s go over there." We walked in ... and it was an orgy. So I immediately went into the Batman character, and Frank went into the Riddler character, because we were getting the big giggles. It was so funny to us, what we walked into. And we were kicked out. We were expelled from the orgy.

Yup, Hollywood is a strange strange place. I mean, it probably was a given that Batman's utility belt had Bat-condomes. What else would you use a utility belt for? Then again, it was the 60's, who the fuck used condoms back in the 60's?

Just think, when the vibrator died during those orgies and Batman turned to Robin to fetch him some Batteries, do you think Robin would just stare at him and ask him what a "Teries" is? Okay, that was fairly dumb. I'll admit to that, but come on, this article is about Batman getting it on in orgies and then getting kicked out.

Part of me just wants to assume that they made the bit up about being thrown out so they don't look like assholes in an article and come off as gentlemen when in reality they probably pounded ass all night. On top of that. if you go over the character a bit more.... Bruce Wayne is a billionaire who dresses as a Bat to beat up people. I mean, if you think about it for less than a second, it makes perfect sense that Batman would be in to some strange sex shit. It's just West trying to keep in character if you want to see it that way.

The Batman craze int he swinging 60's just seemed like something you had to see to believe. Like the time he had sex with 8 women in one night. GREAT SCOTT!

"When I entered Batman as a naive 20-year-old who had only dated a couple of girls, I met Adam West, who immediately introduced me to the wildest sexual debauchery that you can imagine," Ward once said.

"Holy hairy Pussies, Batman, I didn't know you could get BOTH fists in there!" 
"Yes Robin, this Basking Beaver has me in its Clutches!"

Then again, he did probably start that sort of sexual revolution....   

"If you look at our show, you'll see that we always stood with our legs open, our fists on hips and our bat bulges forward, which had a profound effect on women."

 And it's true! A huge problem in the early first season was that costuming hadn't figured out proper crotch smoothing just yet. So enough 60's husbands had called and wrote the station to complain about how the faint outline of Adam West's dick was obscenely getting their wives horny. Can you imagine that shit? Complaining about of all things that your wife wanted to fuck you? Talk about the fragile male ego. So the network actually put a crack team of censors on the case to ensure an end to this bulge lewdness.

I'm pretty sure that Adam West's ego was inflated to the size of the moon after being told that his junk making a dent in his costume had to be completely smoothed out because women were getting too wet from it.  Eventually costuming sorted the whole mess out and so Batman would then look like a Ken doll with the whole smooth crotch feature for the future to not enjoy as much.

My final take away is really acceptance. Because who among us HASN'T been kicked out of an orgy while pretending to be Batman? Come on, it's okay to just accept the reality of the situation.

Final note with a fun fact.  Cesar Romero used to pay young stage hands to throw orange wedges at his bare gaping asshole. Let's see all you new Jokers try to ever live up to that expectation and interpretation of the Clown Prince. Fuck you, You can't! That is just too crazy and regardless of how method Joaquin Phoenix is, I bet he won't even come close to that level of nuts.

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER - BLOCK BUSTER

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER - BLOCK BUSTER

And that's exactly how many Blockbuster Video stores are now in existence since the last two Blockbuster stores in Alaska are shutting their doors. So the only remaining reminder of this once video rental giant will be in Bend, Oregon.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This comes after John Oliver and Last Week Tonight gave the Anchorage store Russell Crowe movie memorabilia - namely a loin cloth form Cinderella Man. This is some time coming since Dish Network started closing them down in 2013. It only made sense that a place so isolated and so spotty in terms of internet coverage would still depend on video rentals from a brick and mortar store. But I guess that's in the past.

I guess my big question is what will happen to the jockstrap of Russell Crowe in this situation. I mean, who will give it a good home?  I'm trying to figure out what the "This is part of my childhood that is now gone" sort of memory that I or anyone else will have about this. And I'm not really feeling it. In fact, I'm more along the lines of good riddance. This shit should have been shuttered a long time ago.

Full disclosure, I worked at Blockbuster. It wasn't the whole awesome experience. Then again, you wouldn't expect it to. I had to deal with a lot of bullshit excuses for late rentals and pissed off folks when they find out they have a $2 late fee. Which, I guess if you're renting a $5 movie, should you really want to argue for 10 minutes about a stupid small fee. I never understood that and I wasn't getting any pay incentive for collecting on late fees. 9 times out of 10, if they were cool with me or even just acted like a human being with me, I would just press the magic buttons in the computer and erase whatever stupid late fees there was.

I also created about 50 different fake Blockbuster accounts. The moment they tossed me in to that situation of creating accounts, I just had too much fun. I must have made a ton of comic book character accounts that I would eventually just toss and see what magic those accounts got into, trouble wise, over the years.

The worst thing about working there was the upper level management who took the job way to fucking seriously. It was a shitty job with shitty pay. No one is going to care as long as the ship was sort of running some what smoothly, which it really wasn't that difficult. Acceptance of the fact that on a Friday or Saturday night, the shelves were going to be complete and utter shit. Staffing up to clean up and prepare for the onslaught of the next day was key and it was something they could never get right, or they just didn't give a shit to get right.

One closing manager was the goddamn worst because.. well, she always would want to play one of two films. To catch you up, after we closed the doors and started cleaning, it would only make sense to toss something in to the VHS and have it play on all the screens. Well, this one manager loved the shit out of Eddie Murphy stand up comedy and they would only want to see either Raw or Delirious. At first it was great, but after several weeks of watching it, I'm pretty sure I can still recite the whole routine by heart. It got to the point that I and other workers would just hide the video somewhere in the store and claim that the tape was lost or rented out. She would check the system and it would create an hour extra of work in her looking for it.

I'll also touch on the stereotype of the art house/indie movie watcher working there that you'll never meet up to their expectation of cinema. I can tell you that working at blockbuster would crush those sort of starry eyed notions in a heart beat. It just didn't last. Not like you find in those independent rental stores that seem to exist for some reason - that reason is they rent out porn and more importantly, ignore your sick habits in a way only a doctor or a shrink in terms of keeping your secrets.

I do find it funny that Blockbuster went under. Their huge stance to just fuck you on late fees whenever possible was nothing short of worthy of some karmic justice. Those years I worked there were pretty rough on me. I used to drink a 2liter of Pepsi to deal with the hassle of the customers. It was retail work and no one should really complain about it, I guess. But yeah. That was fucking awful. Finding purpose in your work during those days was tough. Just the lack of concern and not giving a fuck was huge because of how corporate handled the workers and handled the customers.

So I guess what I'm saying is, shed no tear for this final lonely Blockbuster. It deserves the fate it is seeing.

Good riddance.

DC COMICS MAKING A COME BACK

DC COMICS MAKING A COME BACK 

Okay, maybe not really.

With DC Entertainment being apart of the Time Warner family that just got the shit bought out of them by AT&T a few weeks back, it's time for AT&T to try to make some cash back. Yes, I'm talking about comic books. Something I haven't done for a long time now. But here I am. Back. And how fitting that this topic comes up around Comic Con in San Diego. A time when we remember that this convention was all about comic books. Go figure.

Anyhow, it seems that  DC is bringing comic books back to big chains and I wonder how the little comic shops will react. Probably with a huge amount of fear. It's bad enough owning a shop in the age of digital, though, to be honest, nerds will always gravitate towards having something you can collect in your hand. It allows them to think that they have something of value that they can some day retire on. It's like how Boomers pretend that the home they own is an investment property when in reality no modern day generation that came after them can even dream of having home ownership with crushing student debt.

So now DC comics will be bringing their comic books back to the mass market distribution channels that they had when I was a kid. Finding comic books all battered and bent on the shelves of grocery stores was something I fondly remember as a kid. I also remember fondly that my mother told me they weren't going to spend that buck or two on a comic. Which makes me wonder how any parent in today's economy will even dream of allowing little billy to toss in that comic book in to the purchases since they're now climbing towards the $5 mark for a single comic.

I don't think of Walmart for much, but to suddenly have 3,000 Walmarts suddenly carrying comic books for a comic line that the film adaptations haven't been very good seems like it'll just sit there.  Not to mention the anxiety that the 1200+ independent comic retailers who are hard at work slinging these books themselves, now they got a huge competition that has already taken out plenty other mom and pop shops all across America.

On top of that, these will be exclusive versions for Walmart. Which is to say that they will be special edition versions of the comics that have a lot more content. It'll be a 100 page format with a main story in the front and in true recycling power, the back story will be something from the last two decades. Now, I stopped really following DC comics in the 2000's. I loved the stories of Green Lantern and Justice League and what not. But felt that they became to "event heavy" over the last few years and I got fatigued right the fuck out of that scene. So it's decent to see that besides the crap they're trying to throw against the wall to see if it sticks in the newer stories, the older stuff will be tossed in to the spotlight to show how much better it was.

So you'll get Superman Giant, Justice League Giant, Batman Giant, Teen Titans Giant.. etc. etc.  It''s interesting to see this movie again because when I was a kid, your local thrifty or whatever pharmacy would have a rack just for the comics as well. In fact, this is why when you think of Silver and Gold age comics as being valued in the hundreds of thousands, it's because that was a time when the mothers would throw out the books of their stupid kids when they moved away to college or the fact that they were just magazines you frivolously bought at the market and the conditions that they were kept in meant that so many copies were lost to time.

So what does the future hold for actual comic shops? They're going to have to find other means to get customers. I know the whole variant cover scene has been happening for a while now, but I pray that folks have wised up to that bullshit since you can easily just download an image online of whatever variant cover you want. There's no real value in it for the future. So just stop trying to make it a thing already, please.

But other collectible items will have to take the heavy lifting that these will take away. Ultimately, the comic shop has survived this long and while these bumps in the road will constantly continue, it'll still find some means to stay alive. Either that or the whole scene can just go digital already because fuck if all I know as to where this sucker is heading in the next five to ten years.

SDCC: THE DEALS ARE DEAD

SDCC:  THE DEALS ARE DEAD

There's this one thing that I keep on hearing whenever someone is asking for advice about San Diego Comic Con - and this applies to all conventions these days - that you should save your purchases for the last day because the mentality is that these vendors don't want to take it back home with them. So they'll blow out the prices just to get rid of this collectible trash people love buying.

THIS.
IS.
WRONG.

Let's just get rid of this myth already. Whatever non mega booth that isn't owned by a company selling "exclusives" and is potentially a little shop hacking wares already has a store front that they could just take it back and sell it at the regular, if not higher price. So this notion that it's some yard sale situation where they desperately  want to get rid of shit is just off and wrong entirely.

Also, Sunday is just a regular goddamn day at con now. It used to be the sort of getaway day where folks were eager to leave by midday. Not anymore. It's full on business hours per usual. The thing that folks should realize about SDCC is that it's no longer the little guy. In fact, for years it has had a struggle that even big comic shops couldn't get spaces there since they were being used up by the big companies promoting shit left and right. The old basement of a hotel convention that comic con once was is a pipe dream to never happen in San Diego again.

I mean, what it turned in to was just a promotional tool for studios to tout out their new tv projects and films that had Pop culture attachment to it. The whole notion of comic con as a means for comic books is now the way of the dinosaur as well. There's no one that thinks that anymore anyway.

It's a pop culture convention with hints of E3 Lite as well as whatever movie and television show platform they would like to promote for the upcoming year. You need to embrace it for what it is now. Because if you do, then you'd at least have some fun. Tons of promotions of pointless crap out in the streets. A large amount of people dressed, some very impressively and some with as little effort as humanly possible - as characters you will recognize and many of ones you will not.

Though, in hindsight, the cosplay on Sunday is pretty light since folks have been bringing their A game to it the other days and just want to enjoy the convention for a day instead of having to be in a sweaty outfit all day getting stopped for pictures every five minutes.

The one given though for Sunday is you're not going to find any fucking deals. You're also going to be shit out of luck because a lot of the stuff you waited on buying sold out long ago. You missed your chance, you idiot. This is why you don't wait for Sunday's potential deals and I know I'll overhear at least two dozen people walking the floor try to tell their buddy this sound advice about waiting for Sunday to get those killer deals. It makes me want to slap you more than I already do for having to smell your awful body odor and crop dusting.

PRIME DAY!!!11111

PRIME DAY!!!1111

It's Prime day, everyone! What shitty overstocked warehouse garbage consumerism piece of shit are you buying today?? Annnnnd about an hour in to Prime Day Amazon broke. LOL. I mean, what's the point of Prime Day? It's odd and sort of insulting that there's a monthly price tag associated with Prime, and then they use this day to have those members grab up all the worst possible shit around for some small discount. But I guess I just described Capitalism. EL OH EL.

I'm not buying anything. Really. Fuck them. Amazon Spain workers are currently striking, but hell, give me some shitty product on the cheap. Who needs workers rights when you can buy crap you don't need.

Fun Fact ;  Jeff Bezos is currently the richest person in modern history. He is worth $150 Billion dollars. Eat that shit, Kylie Jenner. But by no means am I going to contribute to this nonsense in making him even richer. Especially when it's basically Jeff's Garage sale - which I have to say is the perfect example of everything wrong with Amazon Marketplace.

There was a lightning deal on Katanas - It went so damn fast.

I'm also pretty sure that I have never bought anything on Prime day before. Especially that first year. That was the most pathetic promotion I have ever seen. They had nothing I'd ever considered buying. It's basically a few weeks worth of building up hype on literal garbage you will never actually use.

Add to that, Amazon charges tax now and doesn't officially price match stuff they sell directly even if it's still in the return window. The prices aren't that much lower anymore anyway. It seems like it's time to start shopping at places with physical stores again. Crazy how this whole thing comes full circle.

Honestly, ask yourself before you check out if you actually need any of the crap you just put in your cart. I guess if nothing else, Prime Day was good for seeing cute sad dogs tell you that Amazon is broken.

Oh yeah, I know a lot of other crazy shit is going down with Russia, but as a quick addition to a previous article. Papa Johns kicked the CEO piece of shit out for saying the N word.  Now the company is having a 40% off sale today because of the racist comment. So you're paying 3/5th of the normal price.  Papa Johns literally made a three fifths compromise.   Let that sink in a little. Just let it simmer around.    

Oh Monday, what a day for Capitalism. 

WHO IS AMERICA

WHO IS AMERICA

Tonight Sacha Baron Cohen has a Showtime show Who is America? premieres on Showtime. I'm sure lots of folks are going to be offended, some are just going to find it cringe level comedy. I guess I find it just a little funny and hey, any moment to point the mirror on America and, well, show us who and what we have become... yeah, I enjoyed it.  I'm sure most folks who don't live in America will find it comical as well, that's the nature of finding humor from Americans.

On top of that, there's not really a huge ability to just say "Oh, he's going after the right! How dare he!" since he goes both after the right and the left.  But hey, who doesn't want to see Dick Cheney put his signature on a waterboard torture thing and stuff? Senators and other high level officials give endorsements to an idea of having gun handling courses for three year olds, I mean, it really sounds like he pulled off some surreal stuff and people didn't second guess him. In fact, look at the reporting on those duped.

On July 10, 2018, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin disclosed on Facebook that she had been interviewed by Baron Cohen while he was in character as a disabled veteran. She expressed anger at being tricked into participating in the interview saying, "I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick ‘humor’ of the British ‘comedian’ Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime."[11] A day later, former U.S. congressman Joe Walsh revealed on Twitter that he too had been interviewed by Baron Cohen in character and was critical of the methods used to gain his participation in filming saying, "Dressing up as a wounded veteran is absolutely stolen valor, his tactics are disguisting [sic] - I know cause [sic] I too was duped."[12]

On July 12, 2018, former Alabama judge Roy Moore similarly divulged his unwitting participation in the series through a statement saying, "As for Mr. Cohen [sic], whose art is trickery, deception and dishonesty, Alabama does not respect cowards who exhibit such traits!"[13] That same day, Georgia talk radio host Austin Rhodes confirmed he had unwillingly had Baron Cohen on his radio program as a guest in August 2017 while Cohen was in character. Rhodes indicated that he was not as irritated as other interviewees had been, mentioning that he is a fan of Baron Cohen's saying, "My biggest regret is not being able to shake his hand as Sacha Baron Cohen or interview him (as himself)."[14] Also that same day, broadcast journalist Ted Koppel disclosed that he had taken part in an interview for the series at his home under the impression it was for an upcoming Showtime series titled Age of Reason. Koppel was not overly irritated at the notion of being tricked saying, "Everybody loves seeing well-known people get duped. I relish it too, when it's done well." Though he went on to express concern over the notion of people posing has documentarians or journalists adding, "I think there's a larger issue here and that is, if there's one thing we don't need any more of in this particular era it's people posing as documentarians. I think there's enough skepticism to go around about people who actually are reporters, who actually are documentarians. And to undermine whatever tiny little bit of confidence might be left by pulling a stunt like this … maybe it will make for a good comedy show. I don't know. But I don't think it helps the overall atmosphere."[15]

On July 13, 2018, U.S. Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida admitted that he had been deceived by Cohen and participated in an interview. Unlike most others who confirmed their involvement, Gaetz acknowledged that he was a fan of Cohen's and was looking forward to the series saying, "It’s very consistent with his model, beginning with a seemingly normal interaction and then the brilliance of his comedy is that he accelerates the awkwardness of it to some usually ironically humorous end."

I like how they all pretend to be extremely offended just to try to cover up how bad they got pranked. I mean, it's basically the first rule of politics and all.

When is everyone going to realize that paying senators to say something has been the American experience since its inception. Was over taxes were disputes, and the whole slave thing was a state rights issue. Now that America is a 3rd world country again, people are starting to doubt.  

But can we just focus on one thing - It's totally dishonest that they labeled Trent Lott as the senate majority leader when he's actually a disgraced racist from over a decade ago. Also, the makeup on the Israeli arms expert character was so over the top. It's more confusing that those people were tricked into thinking it was a real person than they could believe that kindergarten gun education programs.

Also, on a side note. What the hell is up with Sarah Palin still being brought up in 2018. Come on, America. Let's move the fuck on already.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

I like funny stores. They're the whole reason why I started this crazy blog. As a means to let out my opinion on articles that probably, at the time, wouldn't have been seen by many.

This was far before the age of Buzzfeed and click bait that had to scrape the bottle of the barrel in terms of material that you could vaguely consider content in order to get some attention. Now with the facebook world, and this is one reason I felt a lack of compelling need to write, you're bombarded with stupid articles and click bait that you don't even want to read that shit.

So when an article comes across my path like this one - where rhino poachers get eaten by lions, I just have to chuckle and remember that time is a flat circle, and while it's an article you have probably seen pop up in your fwd fwd fwd level newsfeed from grandma or something, it's still hilarious to see that there remains some untouched irony in the world.

But to find out that at least two and possibly three poachers died doing what they loved = being assholes, is just great news. So how did they know they were poachers? The equipment found were a hunting rifle, a silencer, a long axe and some wire cutters, so it's a good assumption to make.

I'm a little confused on why they took the axe. I mean, the naive part of me just wants to assume it isn't for chopping off a horn, and that perhaps this poacher just wanted to make the fight a little bit more fair. But let's be real here, I'm being daft about this. Why they didn't have more guns is confusing, as I wouldn't trust my life with just one gun for three folks. That just seems silly. 

My question is why is poaching for this stuff still happening Rhino horn is believed to be some sort of magical medicinal cure all - especially for shit with boners. Even though it's all just made from the same material as human fingernails and we all know how gross that shit is when you find it in a bathroom sink. 

So to enjoy a little about their demise, let me just post this;

"They strayed into a pride of lions - it's a big pride, so they didn't have too much time.  We're not sure how many (poachers) there were - there's not much left of them."

Ah yes, that is just music to my ears. Good bye stupid poachers.

Good bye. 

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

Look, I have stayed home on many a Friday nights and watched the discovery channel to realize that I'm not saying this is ancient aliens, but clearly this massive black sarcophagus that was unearthed in Egypt is aliens

A massive black granite sarcophagus and a sculpture of a man who may be buried inside have been discovered in a tomb in Alexandria, Egypt.

The granite sarcophagus looks foreboding: It's nearly 9 feet long, 5 feet wide and 6 feet tall (2.7 by 1.5 by 1.8 meters). And, it may be the largest sarcophagus ever discovered in Alexandria, said Mostafa Waziri, general secretary of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, in a statement released by Egypt's antiquities ministry.

A thick layer of mortar covers much of the sarcophagus, suggesting that it has not been opened since it was buried, Waziri said in the statement. As such, the person buried in the sarcophagus, along with any clothing or jewelry they wore and any artifacts they were buried with, may still be intact, waiting to be discovered.

Oh shit. THAT'S where I left that thing. Look, it contains one spooky ghost. Honestly, you guys can keep both. Just scratch out the "property of Javier, call this number to return", I've changed the number at least twice in all these years anyway. 



At first I thought this was just another Elon Musk product trying to save those Thai Kids and we'll find out that there's a dead one trapped in there. Leave it to Musk to try and build a rescue submarine and end up with a shitty time machine.

Makes me also wonder if this isn't just the remnants of some X-men viral marketing? Personally speaking, I think we should totally open the giant black Egyptian sarcophagus, and maybe also mock the featureless alabaster head. I mean, based on the size of the tomb, clearly this dude had a small dick.

And if you're wondering if this news is just a whole lot of nothing, remember that this was originally reported on the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities Facebook page. Those guys are as serious as a heart attack. There's no getting through to them when it comes to jokes. Though, I mean, I bet maybe they get a little goofy on,  like, birthdays and new years and casual Fridays.  

The thing is that these sort of events happen very often. I've seen way too many 'Hey, I found an old safe and I'm going to open it' situations to believe that there's actually anything inside worth the attention it attempted to receive. You're not going to fool me again, Egypt. Besides, if video games have taught me nothing else, it's that this sucker will either have
A) Anciet evil that triggers the Apocalypse
B.) High level loot
C.) At least some experience points earned for smashing the shit out of it.

And I'm honestly okay with all three outcomes. Can we just make sure that Brandon Fraser is on hand when they crack the fucker open? Dude has a handful of experience dealing with this and it'll be a shame to waste that talent

I do find it funny that they made a specific note that it had not been opened since it was buried. Like, maybe, just maybe someone wanted to make sure that whatever is inside couldn't get out? Just a thought.  I bet if something ancient and deathless rises from this tomb and declares itself the Pharaoh of the World, look, I know it sounds a little crazy, but I vote we give it a chance. We really can't just assume it would be worse than what we've already got going on now.

"A vote for Pharaoh of the World is a vote for stability and good governance. 5000 years of running the Illuminati from void black granite tomb can't be wrong! The economy is safe in my cold, undead hands!"

Look, not that I'm wishing for our demise... which, I guess I kind of am. But it would be really cool if this was some cursed eternal mummy wizard master who unleashed terrible spells on the world causing it to go down in a terrible vengeful flame for a cool reason and not just to increase the value of shareholders at the expense of foreign children's souls or something.

Part of me is torn on the subject. If the mummy wizard awakens other ancient creatures of myth and nightmare, brings magic back into the world, ends the Age of Reason, and brings mankind's reign over this Earth to an end, then we won't have any internet anymore. We got to look at the big picture here. On the other hand, Vampires, Succbi, and Djinn will inherit our infrastructure and you know they're going to end up with an internet that's even more fucked up than ours. So in essence, I'm not hearing a downside to any of this. 

Whatever is inside, I just hope it kills us all. If it's some sort of Lovecrraftian forbidden knowledge that sends us to our doom, well then all the better. Part of me also wishes it was one of those giants from the Bible, here to finally own those Lib-tards to kingdom come!  Though it's probably just a stupid mummy. But, you know, it being Friday the 13th and this being a nice jet black color, it might just be a really goth mummy to go with all that black aesthetic. That'll be cool as well. I always wanted to see a true to life goth mummy. And not just the ones I witness outside Hot Topic at the mall.



Seriously though. That is not a featureless alabaster head, it's a goddamn fucking warning. Did you not see The Strain? Because this is how we get to the point in The Strain where we were all fucked. And by fucked, I mean the viewers. because, Jesus, that was a bad show.

You know how this is going to end up. How it always ends up with these long drawn out archeological finds. After five years of extensive studies, they will conclude that there's a dead guy inside.  But for good reason, I suppose, Archaeologists always drag their feet when they find something of any significance as it's the only real way to get reliable funding. Do you want them to go back to teaching or something?

By then everyone should have 4k HD televisions, so they better fucking stream it in that sucker or they may as well just bury the goddamn thing again. Also, can we nail down a contract with Geraldo to be on hand when it's televised. 

Maybe they should just step aside and let some Youtuber who unboxes things take a tackle at this fucker. Please remember to like and subscribe, and be sure to stop by their online store for merch and/or support them on their Patreon. Every click is just more support towards watching them unbox something else... God damn, civilization is so fucked right now.

*The host pulls out a box cutter and starts slicing through the packing tape with it; world ends*

But now that I mention boxes, I'm pretty sure that it's just a bunch of increasing smaller sarcophagi inside this big ass one. It'll be pretty comical, really. They are going to open it and discover another, smaller coffin inside and this cycle will repeat itself until the end of time. Honestly, if I was a 2000 year old dead guy, I'd make sure to fully annoy the snot out of my would be future grave robbers with a prank that has that much time to build up on.



Then again, that's pretty much how every Egyptian sarcophagus work anyway. They had a giant outer stone sarcophagus, a big inner wooden coffin, often another wood coffin inside that and then maybe a mummy and a whole bunch of cats or something. I give up caring. You know what, fuck it. I take that back. I'm not putting all my money on it actually being an even bigger, blacker sarcophagus inside of this one. Don't ask me how I think that make sense. I'm just willing to put it on the line for it.

Otherwise it'll be just a container for some crazy enchanted artifact. Like a scepter that can cast the ultimate destruction magic, usable only once every thousand years. Powerful enough to evaporate Athens in a single blast. But, you know, ancient Athens. Which was totally smaller than, like, Connecticut or some suburban New York area.

Look, man. Ancient magic doesn't really scale up very well. Just look at your computer from, like, ten years ago.

Just imagine, chilling with yo homie Horus and Osiris, on, like, the banks of the Nile, and then some filthy peasant yanks you back to some museum to get ogled by tourist for all eternity. That fucking wizard is going to be hella pissed. I know I would be too. Curses for every one of you!  So maybe we should just leave it buried and respect their customs, you know. Like a polite human would do.

Let's face it. The sucker, besides having a very beef jerky looking old dude, is just going to contain a curse, and that's the best we can hope for. And by curse I mean some horrific dormant fungus inside that will kill us all. So, yeah, basically a curse.  And if you don't believe in curses, then well, that's typically a good amount of famous last words.

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

I mean, just saying "the N word" automatically made you think of nigger in your mind, so really, I just made you a little bit racist. Then again, words are just fucking words. It's the context that they are used in that really matter. That and who is using it. In this case, we already knew that John Schnatter, the founder and public face of Papa John's pizza, was an asshole. And thus he had to apologize for using the N word in a conference call.

In a statement issued through the company, Schnatter said: "News reports attributing the use of inappropriate and hurtful language to me during a media training session regarding race are true. Regardless of the context, I apologize. Simply stated, racism has no place in our society."

According to the account in Forbes, Schnatter was on a call with Laundry Service, a marketing agency, and was asked how he planned to manage future public relations flare-ups.
On the call, Schnatter sought to downplay the significance of his criticism of the league and its players, Forbes reported.

"Colonel Sanders called blacks n-----s," he said, complaining that Sanders had never received backlash, according to Forbes. The parent company of KFC did not immediately answer a request for comment.

Forbes also reported that Schnatter recalled growing up in Indiana, where he said people used to drag black people from their trucks until they died.

Forbes reported that Schnatter's comments were intended to demonstrate his stance against racism, but that people on the call were offended by them.

This is why you don't go full garlic butter, man. Side note, the part where Forbes sought comment from KFC about whether Col Sanders ever used the n-word cracked me the fuck up for some reason. That is some amazing diligent journalism on their part and is reason number 40,403 why I just slum it on a blogger page and don't have a desk at the local paper.

To get to the heart of this and for anyone who just doesn't already know of this piece of shit asshole who makes shitty pizza. He lives in the largest house in the USA, it's pictured below while not pictured below is a dual underground garage. He refuses to provide any sort of health coverage to his employees because it would cost a whopping fourteen extra cents per pizza and Papa likes his profit margins as is!

In 2015 his pizza chain was court ordered to pay $12,3000,000 to more than 19,000 Pizza delivery men who had been stiffed on their wages. On top of that, he has insured his hands for millions of dollars, which just seems like the beginning aspect of why this guy is so very very strange. I mean, that's not really evil. But come on, really? I can barely muster up the energy to insure my goddamn property, let alone my magical dough flipping hands.

Also, Col. Sanders was born in the goddamn 1800's and died in 1980. Which century does Papa John think it is right now? Even if you claim to have seen Sanders on television the other night, be it looking slightly different each time. Him calling someone the N word has no baring on if you, an Italian asshole, can do it.

Back to the house for a minute. I know you're wondering, "Is that really the largest home in the USA? Sure, it looks big, but there's gotta be something bigger, right?"  To which I will answer, yes. Yes it is. It's also the most expensive house. A bigger question would be what one even does with a house that big.  After dick swinging and throwing in a movie theater screen and a ton of other bullshit rooms, like say one with a bouncy castle or a giant pool, what the fuck do you even do next? The ideas eventually run out. I suppose you could use a room for eating, but wtf, who the hell sits down at a table in their own home to eat a meal? Come on, that's just silly. Maybe I just can't dream that big because I'm not slinging pizza so shitty that you have to slather corn syrup filled "garlic butter" all over it.

But again, I guess the answer to all that is simply that a giant asshole just needs a giant house. Maybe he should use that giant ass house to stay the fuck out of the public eye. As it seems that he really comes across as a dumb piece of shit asshole every time he shows up in the news, which seems to be a pretty regular thing lately.

He complains about the NFL all the time because he is a sponsor and he stands to lose money there, the Superbowl is the highest grossing ad space you can buy, so, you know, small dick big house over there clearly has to jump on that and make sure he voices his worthless opinion on if players kneel. Even more comical is that given the NFL is his huge bread and butter, that he's a giant Trump support since Trump is constantly stirring shit with the NFL.

Just remember... BO IS IN DA HOUSE!


  Let's get some sodie pops - Which I guess must be something completely different than what I know to be Sodie pops, given that he just can't hold his liquor. To end this stupid piece, here he is completely shitfaced at a Cardinals game in 2013 kicking it with a couple of bros.

Seriously. Fuck that guy.

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

Early this week it was announced that former Fox News co-president Bill fucking Shine was going to be the Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications. As a former Fox employee - the television station, not the god awful news division, I can say with certainty -   FUCK!

Hey, just a reminder, but remember when this piece of shit resigned because of completely ignoring sexual harassment at Fox?

Yeah, I totally do. In fact, going as far as David Folkenflik starting at the time that a growing number of women at Fox News have alleged, some in court document no less, that he was aware of deeply inappropriate behavior against them and straight up gave no fucks. Going as so far in some situation as suppressing them. Well beyond the level of just ignoring the allegations.

Now that Bill Shine's salary is paid by us, the tax paying folk, I feel that maybe we're owed a full accounting of his role in covering up nearly two decades of sexual harassment and blackmail. You know, to even be remotely comfortable with this.

I know we won't get shit, but a boy can dream, can't he?

This just highlights the fact even more that this administration is the goddamn worst and this isn't even the worst news of the last two weeks about it. I haven't even tackled the stupid amount of shit that came out of Trump's supreme court reality tv level picks and let's not get into the other messes that I'm sure I'm not even aware of at the time of this writing.

In short, this is goddamn awful and every day we just stray further from the light while eating this shit sandwich with no power to do anything other than grin and bare it. Time to put an even more Fox News spin shine on the current administration.  Even though Bill's wife can't get out from her own way in terms of not hiding her racism with tweets like;

• “Where are the black celebrities, sports stars, musicians, why [aren’t] they speaking out tonight against blacks targeting & murdering cops?” @darlashine posted in 2016 after five police officers were killed in Dallas.
• “You really are a terrible President @BarackObama @POTUS allowing our police officers to be gunned down like this,” said a tweet following the same shooting.
• “Comical to see these over paid black sports stars give Black Lives Matter speech at ESPYs,” tweeted the account in 2016.
• “When will Al Sharpton demand [that] young black boys do the right thing?” said another tweet.
• “Imagine the protests if 3 white teens murdered a black woman #AmandaBlackburn Only Black Lives Matter I guess,” said a tweet about the fatal 2015 shooting of Amanda Blackburn in Indianapolis.

Yup. Man, I sure love how Trump is draining the swamp and putting in the upmost respected of quality folks in the mix.

Goddamn it.

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH 

See, that's suppose to sound like a play on words, but you know what. I don't care anymore. The news is shitty, this supreme court justice pick is shitty and things are just going to remain shitty for a while to come. So who is Brett Kavanaugh?  It's a good assumption to just make that he's a huge piece of shit and move on with the copious amounts of drinking you need to do to accept this new normal. But hey, finally a middle-aged white man has broken through to an office of power. God bless America right now.

Clearly the biggest thing to worry about is Roe vs Wade. But even the affordable care act is in straight up danger. Voting rights as a whole as well and it's not like the supreme court didn't just do a major blow towards unions recently, but expect more workers' rights to be under fire. It's a damn shame that Gay marriage will be under attack in a major way because this justice pick is even more of a Trump lapdog. But hey, Long Live the Fetuses!

I mean, at least once those babies are born into a perilous situation that Trump has led us in to, they will have a deep web of social support programs to tur..... BAWHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, I couldn't finish that line with a straight face.

Also, just a heads up, as if everything wasn't already shitty and beyond surreal, but in a 2009 law review article, Kavanaugh stated that his experience in the White House persuaded him to think that the job of president is far more difficult than any other civilian position in government.  And that presidents should be exempt from civil lawsuits and criminal investigations or prosecutions while in office.   I mean, I don't have any idea why Trump would pick him for the Supreme Court, do you?

Finally, at age 53, he's going to be fucking up our shit for at least 25-30 years before either the sweet hand of death releases him from fucking shit up or he gets paid off by another Republican President - lol, why  would we vote that way every again? - wants to replace him with a younger version of Christian value protector.

Side note; It seems to be circulating that, well, much like 9/11 and Obama being a reptilian president who eats babies, that, well, Justice Kennedy had some stakes in the game as this came out

Source familiar tells NBC that Justice Kennedy had been in negotiations with the Trump team for months over Kennedy’s replacement. Once Kennedy received assurances that it would be Kavanaugh (his former law clerk) Kennedy felt comfortable retiring

I mean, I'm not surprised in the slightest and when you compare it to other conspiracy theories, it's less a conspiracy theory and more just flat out facts that this definitely is something that happened because, again, fuck everything.

LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

Honestly, I don't even want to write this piece because it just makes me so fucking sad, mad, depressed and well, any other misery you can think of. But here's the start of an AP article I was reading this weekend. Let's see at which point life become meaningless and just a mess for you in processing the words written

PHOENIX (AP) — The 1-year-old boy in a green button-up shirt drank milk from a bottle, played with a small purple ball that lit up when it hit the ground and occasionally asked for “agua.”

Then it was the child’s turn for his court appearance before a Phoenix immigration judge, who could hardly contain his unease with the situation during the portion of the hearing where he asks immigrant defendants whether they understand the proceedings.
“I’m embarrassed to ask it, because I don’t know who you would explain it to, unless you think that a 1-year-old could learn immigration law,” Judge John W. Richardson told the lawyer representing the 1-year-old boy.

This is America. This is us now. What the fuck is wrong with us, man. Is the fear that this baby will come take your jobs, eat your welfare programs and suck the blood out of your cattle that strong that you are okay with this nonsense?

What the hell have we become? Why. What in the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuckskdjasldkasjfkadshfaslsald

There is literally no words in my mind for the bullshit this all just results in. So unneeded. So spiteful. So.. fucking sad. The whole of the country will have a black eye because of the actions of the administration for the next many decades. Especially with the new pick any minute now.  But come on, are we really a nation that requires a diaper wearing child to stand in front of a judge and defend themselves when it was not even their choice to cross those imaginary lines?

As a judge, how do you just not stand up and walk out on your job when that is presented in front of you? I don't think there is enough liquor at home to wash down that dirty feeling after a shift, and I have sat through many court rooms where they had to deal with some serious bullshit. I know justice can be blind, but this is just taking it levels above that to a whole new world.

But hey, at least those kids will somehow be reunited with their fol..... oh fuck me.   Apparently with a Tuesday deadline to reunite 100 migrant toddlers with their parents, the Feds have reunited a whole 2. They say that the wheels of justice are a rather slow grind, after all. But fuck. This is why sweeping reform and change to how we handle immigrants is needed before you just start blowing it all up.

I wish this was the worst thing I was going to be reading today, but we have Trump's supreme court nomination to deal with tonight as well. So fuck everything.

Harlan Ellison

Harlan Ellison 

Much like power respects power, crankiness respects crankiness. In this case, while I still haven't come to full terms with the suicide of Anthony Bourdain, don't you worry, the heartfelt post about him is to come. I did want to just quickly talk about another loss in this world of greatness..   Harlan Ellison.

I have to tell you the truth here, I thought he was already dead. It hadn't even occurred to me that he was still alive and being the cranky old self he is. I just had assumed that he was, like, in his 80's when I first discovered his work in my early youth.

There was a shit ton of amazing stories I have heard about him and his pettiness. For example this gem that when a publisher broke a contract by allowing a cigarette ad in one of Ellison's books, Harlan mailed him dozens of bricks and a ripe dead gopher. The point of the bricks was that they were mailed postage due and he used the most expensive shipping. In fact, he was so petty that he recalled exactly how many bricks he sent.  213 to be exact. 

So now the world is a little worse, and a lot less angry. May you be giving L. Ron Hubbard shit in the great beyond. Because I know that's the first thing he would be doing. What a fucking cranky asshole. But you know what, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream fucked me up as a youth and I will constantly reflect on it through out my life if at all possible when I'm an old and dementia ridden cranky asshole like him. Though I fully well know I can't even hold a candle compared to Harlan.

My favorite is how hee basically pissed of James Cameron to no end.



I love that all the subseuqent releases had to legally be required to contain the single additional credit  "Acknowledgement to the works of Harlan Ellison". What an amazingly tiny victory. It's really the goal of any one who has any pettiness in them. I guess I just like the fact that he stuck it to James Cameron. And I speak as someone who is both an Aliens and Terminator fan.

He also was pissed at Disney, because of course he was going to be.

I had been fired after working for the Disney empire for a total of four hours, including lunch.
The lessons here cannot be avoided.
Big business is humorless.
And . . .
At Disney, nobody fucks with The Mouse.

I mean, if you ever enjoyed A Boy and His Dog, or all the stuff that was inspired by that such as Mad Max, Fallout, or anime like Fist of the Northstar, then you need to pay the man some respect. Even if he probably chewed you out for somehow wronging him. 
 
He was such a cranky son of a bitch. I mean, he probably was a real pain in the ass in real life, but all of the stories I read of him are just amazing. I got to honor the guy in some small way. He just took everything so fucking seriously that it's comical. Like the time he first got online and found his stories on some websites, so he decided to sue AOL because they were obviously responsible for everything on the internet.

In the end, the guy wrote amazing literature that inspired and fascinated people for generations. It's really sad that he's just remembered as a Star Trek writer, because he was so much more. He lived till the ripe age of 84 and then kicked it in his sleep. God damn, that sounds like one hell of an amazing life.

If only we all could be so lucky.         

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WARS

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WAR LETTERS

A few days ago we celebrated the birth of our nation. And regardless of what current status of shambles it is in, I think we can all say with certainty that we aren't starting another civil war just yet. I mean, someone try convincing Alex Jones about that...

Anyhow, this resulted in a twitter hashtag that, well, at the very least with all the shitty news going around, did create a bit of an escape for me in terms of my sanity. I had a good laugh or two when looking up how everyday folks were living out the Civil War. It made me almost want to have Ken Burns do a documentary all about it. Yeah, it'll be an epic 10 parter that no one "really" wants to sit down and see. But it will have a pretty wicked soundtrack done by Trent Reznor, because what else does he have to do besides tour?

While I still think that it's in poor taste to want a second civil war solely for the fact that we still haven't fully resolved and gotten over the first one, When will that south rise again, buddy? I think they are still funny and found below are some of the #CIVILWARLETTERS that got me chuckling a good amount.

We have fought them at the Battle of Martha’s Vineyard. We have fought them at farm-to-table eateries and in the teashops. As God is My Witness, we will fight them at Whole Foods.

My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the #SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.

General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.

Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead. Yours Always,

 Dear sister,
I am safe. We were attacked by a group of redcaps armed with unsolicited dick pics. But once we rejected them, they fled, shouting that we were ugly bitches who no one would want to fuck anyway. Fort Male Ego may be weaker than suspected.

 When Donny comes marching home today,
It’s yuge;It’s yuge!
The battle with libs he fought today,
It’s yuge; It’s yuge!
Oh the tweets will fly,
while he eats his fries
He’ll feed his MAGAts a feast of lies
And on Fox they’ll say that
It’s News!
It’s News!

Dear General Rodham,
we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can't get over.

My love,
My unit, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade, has raided Hobby Lobby for supplies. We came away with all the useful craft supplies & left behind the giant crosses. Mission went well as the MAGAs do not believe we exist & refused to acknowledge us. Home soon

 And finally, the one that really mattered;

Dear Queen Elizabeth-
we may have made a mistake a few hundred years ago, just wondering if you might consider taking us back. Could we at least borrow William and Harry and their spouses? We don’t seem to have a first family

Ultimately, this next one is the one you should be really keep in mind. 

We've just heard from the front lines that we need to regroup and report to the nearest voting precinct on Tuesday, Nov. 6th where we will launch our second assault. Spread the word, we need all votes on deck. Victory is in our hands!

Come November, you can help stop the bleeding that America is currently going through. So, yeah. Vote.