A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

I already know I did a post about the movie being a Christmas movie this year, but this also marks a special milestone for the film. It's 25 years old this year. To think, a film that at the time Disney was releasing singing mermaids and talking Genies, they decided to green light this new thing that had a lot of potential of frightening young children. It's no wonder that they released it under the Touchstone banner and had it basically stand 10 feet away from anything that could be considered Disney for a long while.

When you think about it, the fact that it took almost a decade later for Disney to do their own merchandising for the film and didn't just hand it off to companies like SEGA of Japan to make items, shows a lot. But little did they realize that the tail end of Gen X'ers and Mellinnials would fall in love with that movie and embrace it as they grew up with it being the bridge between Halloween and Christmas - I mean, who cares about Thanksgiving anyway? (raises hand)

It's hard to not see a wall of merch at any mall these days of NBC related stuff. At one point in the late 1990's, I had to buy my products from Japan. Apparently they were way ahead of the curve in wanting as much of this movie products as possible. Sega company would make a lot of things. I still have a really nice pocket watch from 1999 that was made in Japan and I can't find anything even close to the quality here - especially now that they're just cranking out the goods left and right.

Is it a terrible thing? I guess not. The old sort of "ugh, why are you ruining my obscure interest" would have had a fit. But then again, NBC did start with a limited engagement. I think it's a nice thing to see that there's Hollywood Bowl screenings with Danny Elfman performing. Prior to one of those performances, the last time he was on stage singing Oingo Boingo songs was almost two decades prior for their last Halloween show.

And yeah, I say it's a Christmas movie, but honestly, enjoy the hell out of it all throughout the month. It has spooks and frights but the heart of any Christmas season film and I have the decorations of this film out from October to November anyway. 
 

THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

Look, you didn't miss much at the party. For all the talk that the Monster Mash was a graveyard smash, it really wasn't that great of a party. From start to the very end. Look, if you want to see a lot of freaks awkwardly stand around, you can go to any sort of geeky meet up. This one just had the luxury of a lot of different beast all around.

You would think getting the invite to this sort of party would mean that you made it in the monster world, but man, they'll just about give an invite to everyone. I saw a hipster monster, you probably never heard of them anyway. But the party has a bunch of monsters who never seem to want to be there in the first place, as if they have some place better to be on Halloween night instead of partying it up with mutual associates like themselves? Anyhow, the conversations are dreadfully boring.

Don't believe me? Here's some of the things I over heard at the party;

 
"Man, I hate being invited to this fucking Mash every year. Dracula shows off his castle and talks about all the women he fanged this year. Frankenstein smells worse every year and moans about his wife that hates him. And the Wolfman, fuck that guy, shedding everywhere and acting like he's so cool."  -The clown with the tear away face


"Oh wow, would you look at the Invisible man drinking punch - You could totally see it going down his throat. Yeeeeaaah, that never gets old."
"Dude, if you're tired of that bit, do not, I mean, DO NOT go to the urinals at the same time as him. Ugh. "


"Do you knew who the fuck I am? Don't you asshats know that an entire contry used to be terrified of me? I'm a goddamn Dullahan! I used to ride into the night and signal death by screaming with my disembodied head! Now I'm out here pouring shitty rum punch down my neckhold and trying to get my rotten corpse dick wet!"


"Just throwing it out there, Large Marge is going to do that thing again with her face over by the chips. Tell her I sent you!"


"Listen, mother fucker, I'm not 'a medusa', I'm a gorgon. GorGON!! Not Gordon!"


"I know I'm 700 years old and way out of touch with everything, but there didn't use to be grinding at Grand balls like this." "


"Yo, anyone know where the rest of the food tables are? Speafinger is wandering around asking where all the fresh babies are. I'm just curious as to why every monster has to eat the same thing? Either every culture has no imagination or straight up babies are delicious"
"Dude, there's like, 20 ghost and monster babies here. Totally not cool."


"I'm the Blob, please keep you punch mugs away from me. I'm not for drinking!"


"I-i-i just don't know if you can use th-the upstairs bathroom, I am Torgo! I sim-simply take care of the pl-place while the M-Master is away."

"Robert Neville I'm sure Drac just invited you to be ironic. 'Oooooooh, the last man on Earth?! Oh no, I get it now, all us monsters see YOU as the monster!'  Laaaaaaaame!"


"Oh look, it's that fat cenobite. I always wondered what exactly is it that you are eating in the hell dimension to get so fucking fat? Razor blades? I mean, I shouldn't be so insensitive, he may have an eating disorder. Just cause he's from the hell dimension, I shouldn't be a dick about things. Oh shit, he's at the baby table. Fuuuuuuck, he just ate two of them. Ugh. What the fuck? I got to go puke" 


"Who the fuck let Frankenstein's monsterous machild up in here? Looks like he's so desperate for a wife. Did the Creature from the Black Lagoon need to bring his human girlfriend here to show off? Fucker looks too damn smug"


"Yeah, I'm a bat-boy.... like, a boy, who is a bat. get it? Bat-boy.   Well, sure I don't look like that anymore. I was, like, nine or whatever when they took the picture. You wanna buy some drugs?Look, I met the president once. okay."



"Oh great, Teen Wolf is already passed out. You know, I don't think you should be allowed to call yourself that when you're, like, 40, with a comb over like that"


"I'M THE SHAMBLING MOUND! Did you know that our wetlands are in danger? For only a few dollar donation you can save the we...   wait, where are you going? Come back?"


"Look, I know we're all here because some stupid song from the mid-century, but did they also have to invite the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater? His voice is fucking annoying"


At this point I was turning down an invitation from Uncle Fester and the Flatwoods monster to go do lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw. So clearly the party had devolved into the mess a Monster Mash would turn in to.  Let's just say shit got real.


"Night hags have spells that turn them hot.... right?  One just kinda flirted with me, and while she looks about 800 years old... It's just been a long dry spell and.... well, I don't know. Maaaaybe?"


"Oh great, here comes Dracula's large adult son. Last year he came with a human that just, like, started to whip the shit out of everyone. Not in a sexy way either. What the fuck was up with that anyway?  You think it's a little weird that Drac named his kid Alucard? What do you mean your son is named Alucohc? Oh, fuck. well, I feel like an idiot."


"Who let the dumbass with the rubber mask in? Listen up old man Wadsworth just because you can scare a few drugged up teens and their great dane doesn't mean you can party with us."


 "Careful when you go to the bathroom, Dodrugen is just waiting outside of the door winking at people. Don't act like you don't know him, he's the toilet deugh. You know, when you least expect it, it comes out of the pipes and pulls humans taking a shit into the crapper by their intestines? Yeah, not the most social of cats, I take it. Just all around creepy dude."


"Oh, for fucks sake, why does Wolfman keep inviting him? Great, he's coming this way. -Hey Mothy, what's going on big guy?" What do you mean don't be afraid?  Oh, really, 43 monsters will get drunk at the party, 7 will get laid? That's an odd number. Fuck you, why do you think I won't be among them? Yeah, yeah. we get it Mothy. Anyway, I'll ask if they can turn down the lights, I'm tired of seeing you walk into them all night."



"Sup, ladies. Have you heard my crazy origin story? You see, there was this one internet site full of losers who made up monsters in photoshop. Long story short, I got my own movie out of it and some girls committed a murder for little ol' long many armed me. Can I get some digits?"
 

 "No, I'm not a ghost, I'm a ghast. Look, it's just different, okay?"


"Yes, I am a floating brain in a robot body, but I'm so much more. I also do standup comedy. I do a little thing called anti-comedy. My jokes end up being funny because they're so bad. It's really some cutting edge stuff. Very hip... what's that? Look, I don't want to confirm it, but sure, I am hitler's brain. Just don't go spreading that around."


"Am I seeing shit or does anyone else see at least three different Christopher Lee's walking around?"


""Vhat the hell happened here, Ze demogrogon vomited on manvolf? He haz veen a real vreck zince Barbara left him, it'z kinda zad. Vut on ze other hanz, Manvolf iz zuch an uptight doouche, he deserved dat."


"I get the mistake, really, but I'm a death bed. Not a regular bed. Can you fuckers stop trying to get lucky on top of me, I'm just trying to enjoy the party."


"Oh, would I like a drink? No thank you, I'm just a suit of armour, so all it does is make my ankles rusty."


"Uh...someone should tell Dracula that the Green Monster is outside of the castle."
"What's the problem? This is a party for monsters."
"No...dude...like the fucking baseball stadium from Boston somehow showed up outside the castle. Bleachers and all.
"It's alive?!"
"I guess, you should tell it that just because it has monster in its name doesn't make it a monster"
"I am not talking to a baseball field. That's just fucking stupid."


"Awesome, La Llorona brought some tamales and those Mexican skeletons have a couple of kegs of Modelo and some tequila! This will get the party started finally. Just don't let those Chinese hopping Ghost near any of that shit, they turn into real dicks when they get wasted."


"Hey, uh... wow, this is awkward. Someone invited that Rapey Tree Guy. No, not Brett Kavanaugh, the actual rapetree from Evil Dead... yeah, look, I can't have that kind of shit going down at this party ok. Can you get... like, Drac to talk to him? Don't we have demon termites or something that can get rid of him? He needs to get out, like yesterday."


"IT'S ME, COMEDY LEGEND ADAM SANDLER! and I'm a vampire! Here are my wacky friends, and we are here to film a movie! Don't mind Rob Schneider, he's just an anti-vax racist. Who wants to hear a song?"



Yup, at that point I just said fuck it and left. Out of all the monsters, psychopaths, and murderers there, he had to be the one who managed to kill the good vibe. Wouldn't you know it.

A CAT NAMED FRED

A CAT NAMED FRED

I feel terrible about the way Fred and I first came into each other's life. Outside the building I own there's a divided street by a median. This street has a little bit of bushes and shrubs like most medians do in an attempt to bring some vegetation to the outskirts of Downtown and in the East side of town.

One day I heard what I thought was a baby bird chirping outside really really loud. I went outside to look around and I couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. I looked at the neighbor's awning and figured that some birds just had recently given birth or something. Went back inside and for several hours I kept hearing that noise on this very hot and dry day. It was driving me a bit nuts and so I went outside again to investigate more.

Sure enough I walked half way across the street and was looking for the source of the noise to find that it wasn't actually a bird, but a very very tiny all white kitten with his eyes completely crusted over. I thought for sure that if I took it to the vet that they would just mercifully put it down because of being abandoned and looking like it was not very old.

I brought him in and tried to wipe off the crustiness from his eyes. There was a lot of it all over his little face and I was really scared that he would just die right there and then. Helena, the other cat I had rescued from the street came in and sure as rain tolerated this little runts attempts to treat her like a mother. She had the instincts and just enough fucks to give to not be annoyed by it. He even tried nursing on a then year old Indiana - One of Helena's other babies.

Simply put, Fred was a mental case looking for a momma figure because he was just straight up left behind in the middle of the road.

He was the whitest cat I have ever seen and because of that I tried to think of what the whitest name I could think of. Something very frat boy like. Like straight up Guy Fieri style flavor town level. Well, I came up with Fred. And honestly, that's probably the most fitting name this cat could have had.

He got a lot better over the next few weeks. Was a bit surprised by that even though I nursed him and looked over him closely, he just loved Helena and the other cats a lot. I mean, this little guy loved being in the middle of a cuddle party. If there was a cat sleeping, he'd just jump on top or in the middle of them and make himself at home.

I could tell that his eye issues from probably being out there for so long were a problem. It could be viewed that he constantly. had a little bit of twitchy eye situation going on and he would get very crusty eyes. Even more so, has always had upper respiratory issues. His nose would get booger filled like crazy.

I had taken him to the vet at least 4 times through the course of his life. One of which was basically a week long stay to cure him. He had major problems breathing when it came to his nose. I don't know what caused it, but hey, he wasn't suppose to last 5 weeks originally. He was 10 when he finally went in his sleep.

I knew that the death of Helena would be the worst thing to happen to Fred. She was his mother for the most part and he was constantly attached to the hip to her where ever she went. He really loved her to the very end. Her passing sent him on a little bit of a dive and he went into hiding into the crawl spaces where I couldn't find him for days. He finally showed up completely covered in dust and gunk. It was strange and I tried to clean him up. I knew that was going to wreck his breathing issues already.

The night before I found him dead I picked him up and gave him some petting. Tried to gauge how much weight he lost, it felt like a bit because he would still drink water, but just seemed too sad to eat. Or who knows. I honestly don't know what did him in. I can only guess. But I cleaned him up and then he went upstairs. That was the last time I saw him alive.

I found him sleeping peacefully and well, he just went out that way. I'm not sure if the breathing issues just took over with the grief of Helena's passing and not eating to have the strength to keep fighting. Snotty remains on the box he was sleeping in. 

I buried him next to Helena. I told myself that when it was his time that I would do just that. He loved Helena and I'm sure losing his segregate mother last week was not good for his moral and his.. I don't know. I have been taking care and fostering cats for more than 10 years now, feeding strays daily and I constantly drive around with a can of cat food in the car and as much as I observe about cats, the less I fully understand about them.

I mean, to be honest, Fred had so many years added to his life. When I first found him, I doubted he would last five weeks with his issues. Over the years he did not find a forever home with someone else because for the majority of the 10 years he lived, he was not a fan of people. He loved cats, but he would be very strange around people. Over the last few years he really warmed up to me. Especially after I took him to the vet the last time when he stayed for a week.

I'll miss the little guy. I loved him very much and I'm glad he was able to find happiness in other cats and in his later years, get the attention from me that he appreciated in butt scratches.  

BLACK CATS - SALEM VS BINX

BLACK CATS - SALEM VS BINX

Since we're knee deep into the Halloween season, I guess it's only fitting to talk a little about those companions to the typical witch - the black cat.

In one corner we have Thackery Binx.  The cat from Hocus Pocus... well, not really a cat, per say, more like a 17th century boy who has a serious protective issue towards his sister Emily, who, well, he doesn't do a great job at since the three most incompetent witches on the face of the earth manage to kidnap her. He gets cursed to be an immortal black cat, the witches get hanged and basically he is forgotten to time and stuck in cat form guarding the spell book and making sure that the Sanderson Sisters don't ever come back.

But even then he fails at that when some loser virgin who for some reason calls boobs yabos is able to light the black candle and bring out the Sanderson Sisters. He spends the rest of the movie sort of running from really bumbling witches and getting run over, coming back to life, getting killed some more and then coming back. Eventually stopping the sisters from their plot to eat the children and rule the world or something. Once they succeed, he fulfills his goal and his spirit can go free. Which it does, but not before he transforms from his cat form to a tween object of desire, confusing a generation of young girls in thinking that they should help any cat in the hopes that they transform to a dreamy heart throb upon fulfilling their purpose. Only to find out that it's just a silly cat that will sleep all day and scratch up the furniture. Occasionally look at you with that typical judgemental cat face.

Basically the furthest thing from a sexy teen beat crush status.

You know what though, I get it. I totally get why some will like Binx. He's loyal, he created a bond with the then young Thora Birch, which, let's be real, that cat probably had some powers in knowing how she'd grown up or something. I don't know, I'm just not thinking that the cat is on the up and up, You can't trust anyone named Thackery. I know it's 17th century and all, but that's a name you just can't trust.


Salem Saberhagen is a sarcastic cat that can talk and was the companion of Sabrian, the teenage witch. I'm going off the ABC show. He was mainly portrayed by an animatronic puppet, vs. Binx who was a real cat for the most part with just a little bit of mouth moving cgi action. He is also a man transformed into a cat but he was under that situation because he did crimes of the witch world. Mainly the crimes were straight up trying to do world domination. In fact, that's probably his main motivation for everything. He wants to dominate... er....  represent in a proper democratic order of course.

To say he was a jerk just means that you confused his massive amount of sarcasm for being mean and jerky. He was mostly sarcastic... and hungry. very very hungry. Constantly eating and constantly giving Sabrina sass. He did do a lot of work in training her for her future witch knowledge. So it wasn't all just being a sarcastic talking cat. In his human form, he would constantly have his face blacked out and he'd be wearing a sort of Cuban revolutionary uniform. In fact he was friends with Castro. Soooooo yeah, he was a little bit of an evil cat. But then again, he is a witch familiar, so I think that justifies all that anyway.

He has punchlines all the time towards any situation, and let's just be real, he'd call you out on anything and everything. I kind of like that. And since I'm not a young girl who has a massive case of the thirstiness for my needs of cuddling a cat and then having them turn into a teen heart throb big sleeve 17th century hunk, I think the choice is pretty clear on which one I will choose. Give me Salem any day of the week. We'd probably spend the entire time hanging out drinking some cold ones, laughing at the expensive of someone or something and then plotting world dominatio....er..   democracy. Yeah. that's right. 

He's my kind of cat. The sarcastic type who won't bug me as much. Not like the cats I currently have who lack a complete drive of world domination. Salem could teach them a thing or two honestly.

SUICIDE STICK

SUICIDE STICK 

Between 2011 and 2017, it is reported that 259 people died in the process of getting that perfect selfie. To me that just tells me one thing, selfies are pretty much the best way to go about suicide.... Or maybe not. I just think that the statistic is a fascinating. I mean, we're always trying to seek approval from others and trying to go for that perfect moment to show the world how bad ass we really want to be, but these folks got too close to the sun. I mean, not literally.... Though if anyone wants to get shot into the sun for the perfect selfie, let me know and I'll get SpaceX on that shit right quick.

But the US national library of Medicine recommends that no selfie zones should be introduced at dangerous spots where the reduce of death and the amount of morons going there hits a big peak. It's the only way to protect the stupid from themselves. Hell, it may even protect the non-moronic from others as well. You never know when a falling moron will land on your head because they were trying to get a selfie on the top of a large building.

But the zones would include Mountains, tall buildings and lakes, where many of the deaths seem to happen. As if common sense wasn't enough to say "Hey, don't stand at the edge of that building for a photo, you moron!", but hey, we now have to put up electric fences and what not for the most common sense of mortality.

Other forms of selfie stupid suicide seems to be in the way of animals, electrocution, fire and firearms. Look, I'm not discrediting this report, but selfies or not, people are going to die from these stupid things a lot because, guess what, we are stupid people. The world is full of them and if we try to protect them from themselves, we just do the whole human race a disservice in bettering itself in the form of weeding these idiots out of the whole damn system.

Would the world be a better place if Tomer Frankfurter didn't die in Yosemite National Park after falling 250 meters while trying to take a selfie? Who knows. I'm probably sure my life would not have been effected, but hey, do I want a rail system up there to destroy the natural look of the National Park all because one idiot didn't have common sense? Probably not.

Selfie related deaths are also more common in India, Russia and the United States. as 72% of those reported came from there. I mean, it doesn't surprise me since all those places are filled with morons. The study also showed that the number of deaths is on the rise as well. There were only three reports of selfie related deaths in 2011 - My guess is it was under reported, but the number grew to 98 in 2016. and then 93 in 2017, so you can imagine that in 2018, the report may very well be in the hundred mark.

All this just makes you wonder if you're doing something stupid for that perfect instagram photo that you're trying to take to make all your friends envious of your kick ass life that you're pretending to live. I know, totes, brah.

Just don't be stupid next time, you know.

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - WHAT TYPE OF MOVIE IS THIS?

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - WHAT TYPE OF MOVIE IS THIS?

There has been a real big debate about this subject. Is Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas a Halloween film or is it a Christmas movie?

I feel like I have had this conversation before. I don't know, I may have. I have written a bunch of nonsense over the last ten years and 3,000 post. But let's get into it again because if there's nothing more pressing in the world right now to talk about, it's if an animated film about scary creatures during a christmas season is actually more one holiday film or the other.

The facts are simple - The first minute of the film takes place on Halloween night during the celebration where Jack Skellington is doing a whole Halloween town parade and singing. So perhaps we should take that to mean that this film, while literally starting off on Halloween night, passes the whole holiday up in the rear view within the first five minutes. Halloween is over from there on end as Jack searches for himself in some sort of extensional crisis of discovering who he is after being so bored with Halloween for all these years now.

What follows is Jack finding Christmas town and totally trying to appropriate that town's "thing", Man, Jack, here I thought you were cool and low and behold, I discover you're just a genetrifier motherfucker piece of shit appropriating other's culture. Totally not cool, bro.

The rest of the film is him doing exactly that and leading up to when he makes the attempt to totally take over that holiday - including kidnapping and putting in mortal danger Santa Clause. The whole thing fails in a glorious situation where it tries to teach the youth that you should be happy for who you are and not try to be different, especially not try to appropriate a culture that you have no part in doing and are so juxtaposed in trying to do so - I'm looking at you, white skinny dude who I saw trying to wear a Maui halloween costume. You were NOT pulling off those curly hair look at all.

I will say this, the film's main arcs happen between the end of Halloween and Christmas. So I personally feel like it's not so much a Halloween film. It's a bold stance, I know, but it's a film you watch on literally Halloween because that is when it takes place on the time scale and from there you use it as a way to bury Halloween and get into the Christmas spirit. So on that regard, I will defend the fact that Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Christmas movie and not so much a Halloween film.

Sure, you start it off as the last thing you do on Halloween, because that's what happens in the film, Halloween is no more. It's finished. This film is putting that nail in the coffin of the Halloween festivities. You can't watch it leading up to Halloween. I mean, you can, but then you're cheating yourself out of actually enjoying Halloween stuff as the film is, as stated, about building up towards Christmas.  

Disney's theme park dresses up the Haunted Mansion to look like Jack took over every Halloween through Christmas time.That should tell you something. If this was a Halloween movie, it would only be up for Halloween time. But no, Halloween takes a back seat to the Christmas spirit and that in itself should be the biggest clue on what type of film is this.

Much like Die Hard is a Christmas movie, despite the fact that it is in Los Angeles and has no snow or any other indication of winter despite the Holiday party theme, some music and nudges here and there that this takes place during Christmas, the film is a Christmas film. Much like NBC is a straight up Christmas film and NOT a Halloween one.

These are just my opinions and you can think I'm full of shit. Doesn't change the fact that the film is a Christmas movie.

COSTCO AND HALLOWEEN

COSTCO AND HALLOWEEN

In my continuing efforts to beat it into your heads that I love Costco and pray to it like it is a church, going to it often twice a week like some elderly women hitting up their local house of worship hoping to get in just as the time is ticking down, I want to talk about the fact that Costco is perfect for Halloween.

The biggest complete most people have with Costco is that even with a big household, the fact that the place has SOOOOOO much bulk items means you can never really use all the stuff you are buying. This is when the time of the year for excess is perfect. You can def. use that giant bag of trick or treat candy.

Look, the bag is fucking huge, and even though I don't generally have that many trick or treaters, we all know that everyone buys candy not for the kids, but for the hope that you have candy without the need of wearing a costume, having a kid and walking around the block. I mean, sure, if they show up, I'll go hard on putting the candy in their bag, but the reality is that you'll be ending up with a lot of candy once it is all said and done.

The only thing now is to choose the means of your destruction. You can get the fun size candy, which isn't all that great cause there's nothing fun about a tiny candy. Or you can go full costco and just buy boxes of the full sized items. Look, I wish trick or treating in my hood was still a thing, but it generally isn't. So rewarding those who choose to come out by giving them full sized bars is always nice.

Or hey, you can buy the small Costco toys if you don't want to mess with the amount of food allergies that kids these days seem to have, but that doesn't leave you with a mess of candy you can regret eating later.

TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE

TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE

All that has happened, all that will happen, has already happened and is happening right now.  Yeah, that's a strange thought to have, but it seems that it's the one of a new theory that time may not be passing by at all and time travel can be possible as our perception of time itself is relative to yourself and limited to where you are in it.

At least that's what this new Block Universe Theory is all about.

Follow me for a second as I try to explain this concept that your perception of time is based on where you are in it and that at any given moment, let's just say right now. What has happened and what will happen is already happening... right.this.moment.

It's through the power of perception. We can't just pop into the future or the past because we're doing time slowly one day at a... well, time. Every minute just passes forward it doesn't seem to us that we're moving backwards because we're constantly moving towards something. It's like a train with the forward momentum. Now just imagine that the past, present and future all exist on one time line that is happening all at once.

The Block Universe theory states that the universe may be looked at from afar as a giant four dimensional block of spacetime. On that time line it has everything that has, will and currently is happening. Which doesn't make sense, but think of it like a film strip. You can see the beginning of the film, the middle and the end. All at once, you can go and visit the beginning, you can even go and see the end. But you can't change any of it because it's already developed.

There's not really a "now" so much as there is a sitting in the moment. We are, currently, seeing the present as the present. If we were to go into the future and visit that, it would be seen to us as the present. Same with the past. We can't alter it because, it's sort of fixed time.

And yes, this new theory does state you can travel in time. But then again, at whatever point you are in, you'll just feel like it's your present because it is. You won't know of the future or the past because that would just be the future and the past. But doing this traveling, you'd have to do it using wormholes or something like that to get you across vast amount of space.

But the past will remain the past even if you're in it, which I guess will be the present. You can't change it because it is actively happening with the present. Which does make you wonder if you don't realize you are changing it, but it was changed because of it? I mean, let's just say that maybe the present is the present because your future self went in to the past and changed it to what the present is. Or maybe it is that way because they did go into the past. It's a complicated thing, this time travel stuff.

The problem with this theory is that it really throws any sort of repercussion out the window. What does it matter if I'm doing something today, the future is already written in stone and I can't change that. Or maybe you already did by having such an attitude like that. The whole point is that everything is happening at the same time with Block Universe theory. So go ahead and enjoy yourself. Not much worth living for as you are already living it all at the same exact moment right this minute.

LASIK - TOTALLY A TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE

LASIK - TOTALLY A TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE

I mean, let's be honest there. The first time someone told me they could shoot a laser into my eye and it would fuck up some sort of thing in there causing me to not only see a 100%, but even better, I just knew this was some sort of Twilight Zone bullshit where the consequences would come back to bite me in the long run. Because let's just be real - if someone sounds too good to be true, it fucking is.

Turns out that the science of LASIK, 20 years after it started may very well be just that episode of Twilight Zone you are thinking about. Or for that matter, I guess Black Mirror. Only less about technology, god, why does that show just want to be about how technology will just fuck over society. We have no problem doing that all on our own, if you ask me.

Back to the laser shooting into your eye hole. Yeah, so it turns out that there's some negatives now that we have had a span of 20 years to really examine the long term effects of, again, shooting a goddamn laser into your eye socket. Who thought that idea was of any promise for anything?

But sure enough, every year, 700,000 folks just are sick of wearing glasses and getting called 4-eyes, and turn to Lasik to get that non strained eye sight back. And I'll describe this in detail, but how it works is simple. Given that our eyes work like camera lens, in that the cornea is a dome like prism that focus the light on the back of the surface of the eye and your mind makes of that what it will, if you're near sighted or farsighted, your eye isn't able to focus the light as well and thus, you need glasses to help in that process of making a clearer picture for your mind to unravel.

Also, Lasik stood for Laser assisted In Situ Keratomileusis. which, I mean, isn't really important and doesn't matter in the slightest, but I figured I would be informative while telling you that your pew pew in your peepers operation is probably going to make you bleed out of your eyes in 40 years. Though, the whole process from the get go sounds horrific and there's a reason why I'll just wear my geeky looking glasses.

You see, they cut a thin flap on the surface of your eye and fold it back to allow access to a laser that reshapes the cornea. It's only natural that if you slice a piece of your eye, there will be some negative side effects, what the fuck were you thinking? The effects are pretty instant. About 50-60% of all patients have glare, halos and double vision as a common symptom. Some even saying it's extremely bothersome. You don't say.

One patient who had their surgery in 2006 said that it left her feeling like she had paper cuts in her eyes. Fuck that, give me glasses any day of the fucking week over that shit. But then again, this is just the short term. It has only been 20 years and I'm sure there will be long term lasting effects of slicing your eye like that like a moron.

Anyhow, maybe I'm wrong and the special powers one gets in 50 years after the operation will allow them some super powers. Probably not. Maybe this is less like twilight zone and more like 80's outer limits. that was a trip of a series. I mean, it had the A for effort but the sort of "I mean, you tried" speech of failure because even with that effort, it just wasn't the same. Can't strike that iron too many times long after it's hot, know what I'm saying. Just like you can't slice open eye ball layers and expect it to always go right. 

666

666

So I have a strange question to ask and you may think me odd for asking, but what really is the mark of the beast?  666 or 616?

I know, what? Why would I even ask that question. How dare I assume that Iron Maiden would somehow lie to us. Do I really think that the church of Satan would not know, in full acknowledgement, that their own sign of the best is something specific? But I ask anyhow and I don't take any sort of hesitation in trying to figure it out.

Some biblical historians say that the actual mark of the beast is 616 and not actually 666. since 6+1+6=13, the beast was talked about in Revelation 13, I guess that just makes more sense in the long run otherwise the bible would have picked Revelation 18 to lay it down, ya know. 

"Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

Then again, the bible said that the devil is a liar. Given that Iron Maiden is all about the devil, they might naturally be lying as well on the mark of the beast.  Maybe a true prince of lies would tell the truth and then lie about it later so it makes sense that it could be 666, but he doesn't want you to know it is six six six. Man, this is getting really deep now.

You also ever notice that there's no 666 area code. maybe that's a good indication that it's not 616. Would our government lead us this far astray? I think not. So damn, I guess the case may be closed here... or is it? I mean, our government puts some strange shit on our dollar bill that could be mark of the beast. then bar codes. Oh my, it's all getting so clear now.

Truth be told, I think that if there was a 666 area code, it would probably have to be in L.A.  Hollywood is such animals and deserves nothing less than that.

Anyhow, going beyond that, maybe 2/3 is the real number of the beast. I guess the proof there is that the more 6's you have in a number, the more evil it is. But 2/3 has infinite digits and all of them are 6's. I guess it just doesn't sound as cool in a death metal song.

I know folks who avoid both $6.16 and 6.66 charges at the grocery store just to be on the safe side. I mean, I get it. Don't want to be conducting business with that sort of evil, now would you? It's very wise of them to do so. But maybe they should also remember that God created all numbers and he is the Alpha and the Omega, and already beat the hell out of Satan. So perhaps she shouldn't number shame any of God's spiritually created numbers no matter what combination they are in.

I also have seen that it could be 656 in a bunch of stuff, but for almost all protestant denominations in the usa, it's clearly 616. But just remember, that it doesn't matter if it's any of those, you can praise Satan with any number. All that matters is that you keep him in your heart.

Then again, why do all the numerology things work in English, which wasn't even a language when these biblical secrets were encoded

A VERY SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN

A VERY SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN 

Look, we live in 2018, I shouldn't have to wake up in cold sweats at night in fear that my fictitious male child will have the dangers in this life that seem to be happening these days. Such as being accused of, *gasp* harassing a pretty lady when he whistles at her. I mean, if she didn't want to be whistled at, why does she even exist? Should have thought of that before you happen to be created, Missy.  On top of that, the idea that my young non-existent male child will not get everything he felt he was entitled to - including but not limited to, far more pay than a female counter part, a position of power that he'd have to compete with a woman to attain, that sex when he's done everything like bring flowers and been nice to a female friend.... man, I'm just too shocked to even go on thinking of the horrors that society will be like when he's old enough to demand things from it.

Ok, I couldn't carry that sarcasm on for too long. I feel dirty now. But this is the reality. This is the reaction from those who shout to others that they're snowflakes. That they now fear interacting with women because they may do something inappropriate to cause them to be accused of something that would get them #Metoo'ed. This is an actual fear now.

Let me just put your mind at ease - If you have a fear of this shit. Then you are already doing. You are already making someone feel uncomfortable with your backwards ass thinking that you still grasp on to for some reason. The life you lived 20 years ago when you just assumed secretaries were just there to get your calls and eye candy to watch. You are the fucking problem and yeah, you should be worried because the shit you are doing, that you do out of second nature, is the exact actions you need to course correct if you want to be included in the modern American idea of what is civil and normal to do.

Donald Trump fearing that his sons will fall victim to it, well sorry, they already do this shit. They already have done this shit and unless they make right and figure that it's not their way or the highway and conform to a new normal where that sort of line of action is NOT normal, then they'll be called out as they should. As anyone should. You can sort of brush it off when the elderly racist says something... well, racist. You don't think it's right. You don't, by any means just let it fly. You try to tell them that we live in a new era where that sort of talk isn't really accepted or appreciated. The thing is that those folks stuck in their way just want things to be THEIR way no matter what and it's just something that can't happen anymore if we're going to be in a functioning new society.

I thought we were making progress. Sure, women still fear the hell out of even walking alone at night in 2018, but I thought we were making some progress towards a future that wasn't totally fucked and a little less backwards. But here we are. Here we are in a society that women still fear leaving a drink unattended for more than a few seconds in fear that something would be placed in it. We live in a world where walking to your car includes putting the keys in between your finger knuckles "just in case" someone comes at you from the shadows. Where the first thing you do when you get into the car is lock the door and make sure it's locked. But hey, old white out of touch assholes, complain all you want about the fact that you are afraid of calling that young professional some cheeky name. I'm sure that fear trumps all others.

In short, how about we try to generate some equality. Some good will towards one another and perhaps, just a thought, stop being so entitled that your new found sense of fear is even remotely close to the horrors and truths that others have had to deal with their entire life time without you ever giving a shit about them because you're so self centered in why you have to be more courteous to other's feelings all of the sudden. 

HELENA - THE GREY LADY CAT

HELENA - THE GREY LADY CAT

This is a story about a cat. A cat that I have had the entire time I have been working on this never ending project of mine. Yeah, when I first got the building I will later drop more than a decade of my life renovating, there was a stray cat that would come out at night. She was grey as all hell and you can just see her eyes coming towards you. I kept feeding her and was part of the first wave of strays that I decided to take an interest in helping out in the streets. Little did I know that she was knocked up with a load of stealth kittens that would I would take care for more than a decade. But more on that later on.

First off, yes. I did name her Helena in the most nerdy fashion. Her name comes from Rowena Ravenclaw's daughter Helena Ravenclaw - The Grey lady. Mainly coming from the fact of her really grey fur. She had to be the most grey cat to exist. Around the same time I started feeding her, I saw another little grey kitten that was clearly her offspring. I imagine that she was at least a year or two old living on the street and who knows how many waves of litters she had gone through. She was a mental case in terms of all that. I can't even imagine the hardship she had to enduring out there.

At the time, I was feeding another stray that came to like me a lot who I called Charlie, after the specific kind of tuna I started feeding him with.  Well, Helena loved Charlie. She was always rubbing up against him. If he was around, she would follow. I had attempted to make Charlie an inside cat, but that guy's soul was too much of a rambler. Helena, on the other hand, enjoyed the comforts of coming inside and sleeping on the sofa all day and getting the free food.

Also on account that she was starting to leak milk, I just assumed that she wanted indoors more because she was pregnant again. I was about to take her to get fixed but it seemed too late as she would give birth to a bunch of little fellas. But all the time she spent inside basically had her jump on my lap and treat me like I saved her or something. She would not leave me alone.

Sadly, Charlie in this time had been attacked and killed by a dog, but it was pretty clear that a few of these kittens were his doing as all but one were tabby's. The other one, Stout, was named so because there was another rando stray cat I kept calling Guinness out there and, well, it looked like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. 

That was the last bundle of kittens she had as I got her fixed and made sure she lived inside the place permanently. Besides, she made a few kittens, I'll be damned if she wasn't going to take care of these crazy little guys. I named one Indiana and he's just the silliest of cats.

Helena was a bit nuts. She suffered a crazy amount of PTSD from her time out there. She was clingy to me like nothing else. Always meowing at me for attention and whenever I was sitting down, she'd more than likely want to be on my lap.

Through the years she would constantly be the mother cat figure to the strays I brought in to domesticate and find homes for. It calmed her down a little. I think losing however many litters to the time she was outside really effected her and she was always cleaning and having some new kitten snuggle up with her. Even when she was a bit of a grumpy pants and hissed at them when they were sticking around too long. Again, she was a little unpredictable and nuts.

One stray I found in the middle of the road named Fred just loved her and he, being abandoned in the median by his mother, just loved Helena so much. He would go on to just always be around her despite how many motherly instincts Helena had to push him away to be on his own when he was clearly way too big for it.

Helena passed away last night. Well, some time during the day as she didn't come out for food. She had been losing weight despite not losing an appetite for weeks now, she still had a lot of energy in doing hood stuff like running outside whenever I opened the door to just chill in in the sun.

I can't say I'm shocked. The last few months have been rough on her. Because she was nuts, she would always just lay on the railing side on the second floor of the place and then nod off. Constantly falling down, landing with a thud and then shaking it off and going back to the same spot. I tried to get her to stop but she wasn't having any of that.

A couple of months back that fall was pretty rough and she looked like she had a strain in the crashing. For a solid month she was hobbling a bit, I got her treated for it but, well, it was just healing on her own. She loved going outside, like I just mentioned, she would love to just sniff stuff and then lay around out there. Not really looking to get away, but just relax. There was a couple of times where I didn't realize where she was out there and she just wander back when she was ready.

Recently I also just kept sitting with her outside and she would be rubbing on my leg. I kinda could tell that her time was limited, mainly because of how much weight she dropped. Not to mention that I really think that she had some dementia or something. She was just cry at night a lot and look very very confused.  On Friday she just wanted to get on my lap and would crawl up my leg in the most awkward way, bury her face into my elbow and just get some petting. I sort of babied her a little because it seemed like something was up. I guess she knew that her time was coming to an end and I sort of understood that something was up.

She didn't come out for food last night, which was strange because she did eat in the morning. I found her this morning in a dark area where she just went to go on to where ever it is that pets and loved ones go on to.

I dug a grave for her next to where I remembered I buried Charlie in the median. Yeah, I don't know how odd that sounds to read, but I just figured that she belonged close to the other cat she was so enamored with.

I had her for at least 13-14 years, I'll have to actually check to see the exact time line, I am sad right now for the loss. But I am glad that I was able to give her a home, comfort and all the love that she could have enjoyed. Most of all, a purpose. I'm also comforted with the fact that her suffering has ended. I'll miss those eyes and the way she just strolled around the place.

I implore you, if you see a stray out there, try to do something. Get them fixed. In Los Angeles there's plenty of free programs to catch and release these guys, or give them forever homes. It's rough out there and the average life span of a stray is about 2 years. Helena was one of the first strays that I took in and the love that she provided will last a life time. The feeling that I changed a life and made it better, that's the best feeling in the world.  I can refer you to several that I have personal experience with.

I miss you my little Grey Lady.

CAN YOU HEAR THE FROGS

CAN YOU HEAR THE FROGS?

Last month during Hurricane Florence, I was watching a live streamer hurricane chaser... Well, just some dumb ass who drove around in his truck during the middle of the hurricane making land fall and live streaming the footage of shit falling over.

During the middle of the stream he said something that I can only describe as the darkest and scariest shit any southerner can possibly ever say... and I have spent my fair share of time in the South... He got out of his truck and you can just hear the wind blowing in a very menacing way howling around and all you can aside from that is frogs croaking around.  Sure enough, that southerner can just be heard saying

"CAN  YOU HEAR THE FROGS"

That shit was scary as fuck. I don't know why it had such an impact on me, but the whole moment was creepy as all hell. Hearing the rain coming down and the wind just ripping apart things and all the while frogs just gleefully enjoying every moment of this impending doom.

Though, now that I think about it, I bet they were loving the situation. Lots of warm water and rain and good mud getting created. They must have been frogs in slop. Or whatever it is you can use as an example for pigs in a mess. Ah yes, big beautiful mud, the best mud. It's gorgeous. We have the best mud, my uncle was a mudologist from UCLA, and always told me about the good mud, good brains, his brains, good brains for mud, he knew. I know. It sure is the bestest of all the best muds!

Ah yeah, very good frogs. YESSSSS, sing your song of the death from above. Keep singing your beautiful death frog song!

But seriously, if you're ever in the south and a stranger just tells you Can you hear the frogs? I think it's best time you just run. Run as fast as you can and as far as you can or else the "frog people" that they took you out to sacrifice to their gods will have the ritual fulfilled. Because that's some of the creepiest shit you could ever hear someone say.

Especially if you're in a dark forest like area and weather conditions just scream  "Yeah, you're in a horror movie right now".

SOCIETY DOESN'T SOCIALIZE ANYMORE

SOCIETY DOESN'T SOCIALIZE ANYMORE

I took the metro train the other day. A strange practice to do int he high paced car culture world of California. But a thing that struck me the most about all of it is that everyone was face down in to their phones looking to converse with the strangers on the internet instead of the strangers sitting right next to them.

It made me wonder about all those complaints that people just don't interact anymore and just put themselves into their own echo chamber of a social circle, so that their opinions are just re-enforced instead of questioned and evolved.

Then again, do you really want to be that annoying guy on the fucking train who keeps trying to talk to you while you're just trying to check your fucking emails? Fuck that guy. Ugh, Get the hint, fucker, I don't want to talk to you right now!

It really does seem that the complaint by strangers and old folks is that everyone is on their goddamn phone and not socializing at all with the world around them. Man, I bet the folks from the past had a better way to be social while in public places and actually conversed with one another. 

Centennials, Am I right?

Look, it must have been annoying as fuck back then as well. Papers rustling constantly making your reading on a bumpy train even much more difficult and the idiot next to you keeps hitting you in the face with his paper page turning. And I can't forget to bring up the one fucker who didn't buy and bring his own paper on the train who is just so hard up trying to share yours - "Can I borrow your sports section?"

Then again, look at the picture and tell me what you notice more - the answer is is simply that the women in the photo are just flat out not allowed to read at all.  Oh wait, no. One is reading a romance novel. Good for her, she must be getting ideas for her husband when she gets home from secretary work.


The photo does seem to predict and cement the theory that every complaint about the effects of 20th-21st century technology seems to be the same ones said about the creation of anything by the generation before the one who created it.  I'm pretty sure Greek philosophers complained about this newfangled "writing" thing making people just far too lazy because they wouldn't have to memorize everything anymore.

Anyhow, back to forced conversations. I don't seem to run into "Annoying public transportation conversationalist who doesn't fucking get that I want to be alone in my thoughts" nearly as much as I used to. Mainly because I don't use public transportation all that much. But maybe smartphones have finally killed them off for good. Just think - future generations won't understand what we all had to suffer through.

Then again, there's zones that you are just not safe. On an airplane, the moment they tell you to put your cell phone away or put it into "airplane mode", is when the cue to ask what book you're reading or what you're watching or where you are from comes out. I don't want to hear about your stupid life story all that much, to be honest, and I don't want to know that you're going to visit relatives. I want to sit here in silence, thanks.

It sort of makes me want to just say the most reprehensible shit possible to just insult them and get them to think bad of me and not talk to me anymore. It's just not a place for talking. Just because we are sitting next to each other doesn't mean I want to hear what you have to say. I honestly would just rather make odd eye contact with you. That is if my face isn't buried in a cell phone, ya know.

I think it may be because we are just conditioned to treat anyone talking to you on the street as someone trying to run a scam on you. It's like people who talk to you in the bathroom at work or in public. Why are you doing this and what scam are you trying to run on me?

And you know why that's my fear. Because guess what, life is just a big pyramid scam since the time it was created. We're just getting in on the entry level so we're all fucked beyond all belief. Yup, sorry to break that news on you.

Finally, can I just say one thing. We probably just look down at our screens because we just don't want to look up and see the man urinating in the corner or furiously masturbating. This is the common place public transportation issues that we have to deal with these days. I don't want to acknowledge the man who is making racially charged statements at the top of their lungs. Can I just escape into the world of fake and filtered happiness of instagram for a second?

I SWEAR

I SWEAR 

Here's a bunch of curse words or comical cursing phrases. It's best to show this list to young children. Especially not your own. It's only fitting to fill up the hearts and minds of the youth with corruptible commentary. Besides, language is all we have to pass on the wonders of stories. Sometimes they just need a really descriptive sort of word to flesh it out.

So let's get down to brass tax - Let's get nasty with the words. What are some of the favorite curse words?

For me, it's probably going to be a close tie between cocksucker and cunt. It's all about the hard C sound. Also, Cunt because everyone in America seems to think it's a really awful word when every other country thinks it's no big deal. I bet you're wondering why this is exactly?

Probably because it's a byproduct of the word just not making it into more casual use in the US the way it has in the UK and elsewhere. So that makes the word both more rare in general as well as it makes it so if you do hear someone use it in the US, it's because they really mean it.

In saying that, let's talk about the phrase - Feckless Cunt.

Gobshite

Fuckman

Tittyfart

Dang

Tatersauce

Pee-pee  - As in, suck my dang pee-pee  (So edgy)

Cocksucker

Slich

Shucks

Cum Bubble

Dildard - I mean, it's the best of all worlds and just nails it really hard into their confidence.

Cum gugzzling baconsnatches

America's hottest new curse word - Clemin!   We'll tell you what it means, after the break!

I don't know, I appreciate "Goddamn" and "Goddamn it" because you can slip it in just about everywhere and any conversation without it having the weight of an f-bomb, but you can also pause between "god" and "damn" to really wind up right there before the pitch.

The other weekend someone called me a duck-dicked motherfucker and it was really inspired. I was all, like, "woah, that's rude as all hell". I guess ducks developed a strange convoluted genitals as a sort of sexual warfare and although I'm not sure if that's the real meaning they intended, it does add a little bit of a twist to it all. 

There's also another curse word that starts with the letter "N" and when you write it in public or in private, you'll catch a huge PR problem.. so I'm probably just not going to say it.. Oh screw it,

NANGOSTEEN

NAGGER!

To get around the profanity laws in the 40's, some radio characters would swear by saying "Cheese N Rice!" Which is partially innovative, but then again, it also still got complained about. So Bollocks.

Horseshit - Especially when sneered by a weary eye'd Harrison Ford on a talk show.

"Bitch" is really a fun one to say. "Son of a bitch" just seems to be on the wane in the past decade or so, which seems like a real shame. Those had their moment in the sun, I guess. Which I guess is mainly due to the fact that it is animal based.  You can pair swears with animals all day and make them great. Like "Shitweasel" or you can get creative with things like "cuntlobster" or "Jizzpanda". Really, the sky is the limit when it comes to those things. 

But let's just throw it out there. when it comes to swear words, it's not even close. The winner has been and always will be FUCK. It can be used in anger, arousal, in awe, can be used as an intensifier and to dilute, rings like a gunshot and dominates the letter F. It's all classes and a whole lot more. It doesn't discriminate and comes in all creeds and nations, all languages and all religions. It's four letters of pure magic.  Stub your toe? You can scream it. It's just in your DNA.

It really is the most versatile word in the English language.

HEY MORTY, I'M PICKLE LICKING RICK

HEY MORTY, I'M PICKLE LICKING RICK 

Hey Morty! Look, I turned myself into a Pickle Licking county fair contest! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Okay, it's that time of year when the summer and fall harvest county fairs are coming to a close and if we were in olden times, we would be preparing for the coming of the doom and gloom that is the winter season.

Now being a city slicker, born and raised in the crazy high paced world of Los Angeles, I didn't experience these sorts of backwoods, good ol' boys type of events very often. It was only when I started wandering this here greatest of the great Nations that I started realizing that there was a lot of strange competitions that happen out there.

Don't get me wrong, I saw things in those moving pictures such as the story of the pie eating contest in Stand By Me. And I have been to the Orange County fair and survived by not getting shanked at the L.A. County fair, but those are by any means a proper representation of the county fair and harvest festivals that has a lot more time to fill or, I have no idea. But it's filled with a lot more games. One of which is a pickle licking contest.

What is a pickle licking contest, you say? Oh, you didn't want to know but here you go;


"You know, things looked pretty dire for me. I desperately needed something new in my life. The lawn chair factory I worked for closed down, leaving me out of a job. Then the lawn chair factory burned to the ground, leaving me homeless. So when I was down there at Jimmy's bar for a couple of tall ones at happy hour, I found that new thing. Licking pickles. Just one to start, then two, and then so on and so on.

The referee over there just told me I licked well through 342 pickles, That there's a new personal best for me. But next year I hope to get to 350. Heck, I tell you, if I work really hard, maybe I'll even get to 400 in one sitting. Well, god bless, when he closes a store and burns it down, he opens a window, know what I'm sayin', also stop on by the downtown Minnetonka Rug Emporium if you want to talk about pickles or pick up a great deal on a new carpet. I'll land you a right straight fair deal for all my fans. See you next fair -actually, look, I'm still up for licking me some more pickles and I'll be posted up near my car in lot 8c all afternoon"

I mean, what the hell is with these strange county fair competitions?  Why not a jerking my gherkin.  But it does make me wonder, is there a career in being a judge to all these things? It would be pretty interesting to be a professional traveling state fair pickle licking judge. And yes, I can be bought.

I would think that there would be a lot of sanctioned rules to this whole thing. You can't have any unsanctioned pickle licking happening during off hours of the contest. You'll have to do all that behind the admissions tent. And does the competition have something really big as a prize? I hear the Pawnee, IN pickle licking recieves a full ride at the Ivy League school of their choice. Riding that wave of pickle licking all the way for a free education.


“God damn I love pickles.” - Me, the winner of the Minnesota Sate Fair Pickle Lickin’ Contest
Back to the rules - Just look, we know you all have been doing some pickle licking on the side, off the record, we can't be having that, now can we? We need to keep this fair to the other lickers. No juicing. No matter how much electrolytes pickle backs get you back to normal. 



Hmmmm... Yes. This is really disconcerting. Billy, lick the lolly....  molly lilly and holy shit. what the fuck did I just watch?

But now that we talked about the Pickle licking contest in detail and scratched are heads at that one, I think we can go deeper in this whole thing and now talk about the Princess Kay of the Milky way pageant and the 4h llama costume contest.

The first is a pageant for daughters of dairy farmers and all the finalists get their bust carved out of a giant block of butter. Cause you know what they say, something that pretty will indeed melt your heart... or clog it. I forgot which.

The llama costume contest... well, it's exactly what it sounds like. 




I think we all can agree that if there's a Llama costume contest on, you'll probably watch. You'll also probably learn that llamas use "communal poop piles" and have a tendency to stop and try to go if they pass one. I mean really try to go. It has a way of holding things up.

But yeah, I bet I just opened your eyes tot he exciting world of county fairs and it goes well beyond the realm of deep fried food on a stick. Let me tell you, giant corn dogs are straight up no joke.

PLEASE PUT YOUR SEATS IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION AND PUT DOWN THE BONG AS THE FLIGHT PREPARES FOR LANDING

PLEASE PUT YOUR SEATS IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION AND PUT DOWN THE BONG AS THE FLIGHT PREPARES FOR LANDING

That was a needlessly long title for this article. But I guess I couldn't do it with less, so why bother getting hung up about it. It was fitting since the idea here is that California has currently a legalized marijuana laws, meaning you can carry it and unless your selling it, you can light up without much fuss.

Well now LAX allows you through the Proposition 64 measure, which legalized the substance, to enact a policy where you can now bring weed with them to the airport if you're 21 and older. The max amount you can bring though, is about an ounce of it or 8 grams of it if it's condensed down.

The flip side of all this is that it may very well be pointless anyway if you're flying anywhere outside of California. Because while it's legal to smoke pot in your private residence in, say, Denver, Co., it's still a federal crime to posses it. And given that TSA agents are part of the federal government, you can't have pot in the airports of most places were it is now legal. So I guess this only really is beneficial if you are flying from L.A. to S.F. or some nonsense like that.

Another factor to consider. TSA spokeswoman Lorie Dankers said that the agents won't take it away but will summon the police and let them deal with it. I'm sorry, but even a chance encounter with a cop is one encounter I don't want to deal with.

It's nice to know that TSA is focusing their efforts on the important stuff like terrorism and security threats that their creation was made for post 9-11, but come the fuck on, why do you gotta snitch on the average stoner who is just carrying an ounce of weed on them? Sure, if they're not carrying more than an ounce, the police will turn them loose, but that seems like a fucking mess of paper work and a waste of time on the officers. Sure, TSA can go back to grabbing people's junks - But I imagine that those officers probably had a lot better things to do with their time than have it pissed away by these folks.

So I say, that if you read an article that states you can or should take pot to the airport of LAX, I say it's better to just leave it at home. No point in giving yourself unneeded headaches on this whole matter. Why bother a small penalty or even just having to throw the weed away? Just seems like a waste of time and not worth dying on that hill, if you know what I'm saying.

MARK WAHLBERG

MARK WAHLBERG

I hate this douche. Mainly because he's a piece of shit Bostonian who did a hate crime and got away with it essentially causing a liquor store owner to go blind because... well fuck it, let's just focus on this fuckers look at his schedule.

First off, I'll be savage. I don't see any time allotted to beating up Elderly Korean men, so this clearly can't be Marky Mark's real schedule of events to do daily.

Yeah, I started out rough, but come on... he did as well. Also, I shouldn't be surprised, for yous ee, who doesn't spend an hour a day in some chamber building up power levels in a cryo recovery zone. And what sort of snacks takes an hour and a half to consume as well as puts you into a catatonic state? What the fuck?

I'm all for being clean, but who the hell also spends 90 minutes in a shower? I guess, as a man, it takes longer to crank one out the older you get. Man, I'm not looking to old age. I guess everyone can be a Hollywood celebrity if you just scrub for 90 minutes straight every day to wash off the layers of regular-person dirt you have on yourself.

Also, how the fuck do you "Golf" for half an hour? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? I mean, I hate golf unless it has tiny little windmills in it, but what the fuck sort of quick game are you trying to get at?

Thirty minutes of prayer?!  That's a lot to thank the good lord for. I guess as both a Catholic and a Hollywood actor, it's probably just code for diddling.

Also, who the fuck is awake during the day? What a fucking loser. Who the hell works two hours a day and still manages to maintain the dumbest schedule possible. I wonder what the kids think of their dumbass father who is sound asleep by 7:30 and roams the house at 2:30 in the goddamn morning eating and working out like a retarded vampire. How about you offset your day by 2 hours, even finance savants aren't even going to be by 7:30.  Live a little, you asshole.

Let's just say that this mother fucker is no The Rock, and even the Rock in his stupid schedule gets up at 4am. Yup, you do know this, right? The Rock gets up at 4am every morning and rents warehouses in industrial areas that he sets up as his own personal gyms in cities all across America.

What I'm saying is that somewhere... right now.... in America... you could be hundreds of feet away from THE ROCK, right this moment.... and you'd never know it.

Just think about that.

Then again, I think that's what the SAW killer did, which is weird, but also a little cool all things considered. 

Back to Mark, this stupid ass schedule is pretty clearly done for one reason. To avoid his wife and life. He probably gets a solid 4 hours alone before anyone in his family even wakes up. By the time she is up and getting the kids ready for school he's already 3 hours into his stupid golf, snack and cryo time. He basically doesn't need to see any of the people he lives with until about 11am with Family and work time. Which, by the way, is the fucking dumbest time to have any sort of "family" time. Also, most of his time he probably spends on "work", which he has basically arranged things so that even neither of them are working he won't need to see her for more than 2 hours a day.


In short, Mark Wahlberg is a piece of shit.      

WALMART - ARE YOU IN NEED OF MEDICAL ASSISTANCE?

WALMART - ARE YOU IN NEED OF MEDICAL ASSISTANCE?

I don't frequent Walmart as much as the average middle America family would, in fact, I can't remember the last time I have been in one. Look, I'm not trying to say that I'm above that shit and go straight to trader joe's and whole foods and live in a sort of upper middle class bubble that can't hear the plight of the average blue collar worker. All I'm saying is that I just don't like going into the store. Not cause I'm better, but because the store itself is just so bad.

The wages they pay are terrible. They depend on welfare to support their workers, so in a sense, they are the worst type of welfare queens that the average Walmart shopper complains about folks being on welfare and taking advantage of the system if they were minorities, yet have no problem when this company is just subsidizing a living wage to their employees and pocketing all the savings in corporate welfare.

The quality of the stuff they have is subpar to me because they nickle and dime every vendor to give them the lowest possible price they can afford to make it at, which in turn makes it that manufacturers are basically screwed out at giving their own employees a proper wage. Often times making it so that the lowest possible price they can get something at just gets made in China and takes the jobs out of locals. It is what killed the rust belt. The inability to meet the demands of big box stores like Walmart and then got put out of business because Walmart put all the competition out of business. With no one to sell to in this race to the bottom, it basically fucked over the American dream in every possible way you can imagine.

Anyhow, that was a couple of paragraph rant that had nothing to do with what I am about to talk about. Something even stranger happening in the land of Falling Prices. You see, the company is completely getting into the world of collecting data on its patrons. For what purpose? I have no clue, but it is completely creepy in every possible way because it's going to effect you when you're simply walking in the store.

Walmart put out a patent for a shopping cart that reads your biometrics as you push it through the aisles. They're straight up going all Baymax from Big Hero 6 on us and will be reading your heart rate as you walk and checking the stress levels. I mean, who the hell wouldn't be stressed and have a high heart rate walking through a store that basically makes you wonder why you should even be alive.

The Biometric feedback cart handle will tell the company what the shopper's pulse, temperature, and force level when they're touching the cart's handles are. I guess it's to see if you're tense, stressed or what have you. I mean, when you're forced to buy there to make ends meet, how the hell are you not going to be stressed?  The justification?  They want to make sure that if someone is about to need medical assistance, they can assist them. Which sounds really specific and more to the point, really like a waste of money on their end.

This makes me wonder how many times does Walmart have to deal with medical emergencies that this is the route they go down? Then again, they do have a shit ton of locations, so the chances of having some sort of medical emergency in the store increases because they are literally everywhere in America.

Though, let's call a spade a spade. This isn't going to be used to help medical situations. Not in the fucking slightest. This is going to be used to collect the data that you are one fat fuck pushing a cart in Walmart and perhaps they read that your pulse is high, which will alert you to the fact that they have very low low prices on reduced sodium salt and push the blood pressure medication in the pill aisle on you.

I mean, not like they couldn't just assume that if you were riding on one of those rascal scooters anyway. But this goes beyond that. You may be in great health. Great blood pressure and all that, but still get advertisements on work out gear. Holding those handles too tight while going down to the clothing section? Maybe you're too stressed and they can advertise some tea or other relaxing item like a case of beer to you.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS WHEN THEY COLLECT YOUR DATA!

Just remember, you aren't a person to them. You don't matter. You simply are something they can advertise to and make money. But hey, it's not even just you that is special, it's basically collecting data as a whole to see how many, on average, consumers have really bad health and what products do they need to stock up in that specific area store to cater to you and make the most money.

I'm sure Walmart totally wants to just do all this R&D to see when your stress levels are high and to prevent some morons from fighting.. Totally.

DONUT MAN AND HUELL HOWSER

DONUT MAN AND HUELL HOWSER

Over this past weekend we saw the end of the strawberry seasonal stuffed donuts at Donut Man. These things are amazing. It's a regular donut that is cut in half and stuffed with this strawberry goodness that can only be described as magical.

Donut Man is located in Glendora, a place were folks even in L.A. just don't bother to go since it's sort of on the opposite side of a hill from the 210 freeway and on the historic Route 66. So it's a bit of land of time forgot unless you're really into that vintage nostalgic thang, know what I'm saying.

I first discovered this place because I loved Huell Howser's Visiting and California's Gold programs on public television. It was a show that had the host, Huell Howser, basically be surprised and in awe at everything as if he just had fallen off a turnip truck from middle America. But his excitement for things in our own backyard was something I yearned for. To be that happy to go and visit stuff that I should be visiting and not missing out on.

So in the interest to just not write all that much more today, here's the episode hosted by Huell and visiting Donut Man.



Man, talk about an easy day off.

YOU ARE EL

YOU ARE EL 

That title doesn't make sense, does it? It sort of does if you were to write it out and sound it out like you normally would with something.  Anyhow, it's a take on URL, which it seems that is in danger lately as Google wants to just get rid of the whole URL system.

Google wants to kill the URL. And if you're having a tough time thinking of what could possibly be used in place of it, you're not alone. https://t.co/sNIqOnoLCr

— WIRED (@WIRED) September 4, 2018

Hmmm, what the hell happened to the whole montra of "do no evil" Google, it seems like you've been up to a lot of evil and annoying shit as of late. Google seems to have changed that motto to "If it aint broke, break it!" So it will be worse, whatever the outcome is.

But hell, can we not fucking do this? It seems like steps backwards all around. All I imagine is some horrid windows phone type user interface. Remember back in the day when AOL had their own special links, that people would list both as a URL and an AOL shortcut on their CDs or cereal boxes? Yeah, that shit was funny. Enter the Keywords!  Like if that shit could actually exist these days.

Thanks for the HTML tip, bro! This just seems to be another move towards an ever more boring internet with no independent websites anymore. Just you watch, they'll get rid of the URL and probably next they'll get rid of direct access to files, which is already sort of happening with "apps" instead of programs getting executed. Seems pretty clear that the URL thing being hidden because they want to cover up all the tracking shit that they pack into URL's.

You never noticed those long ass URL links to products or links where they straight up are tracking your every movement? I guess the irony here is that google honestly doesn't need to hide that shit because nobody actually cares about what is in the URL except IT nerds.

Going back to the subject of how Google really fucked up things, let's look at their email service. Why the hell is it moving emails I sent out last week but haven't been responded to yet to the top of my inbox with no intuitive way to just make it go away without deleting it? I don't want to snooze the conversation and you showing me that someone didn't reply to my email just makes me feel more like they ignored the whole email to begin with. It doesn't make me want to follow up with them. It makes me want to crawl up in to a ball and cry that I'm ignored.

If I actually wanted to send a follow up, I would have by now. Stop trying to be so helpful you piece of shit program. I'm just using you to send messages over the internet. I generally find it stupid to complain about things changing like this, because I think the new thing is totally fine, but fuck, I really think they fucked up big with the new Gmail.  It's as if Google just figured that they could make everything about the Algorithms, and take direct choice away so we can pump even more advertising down people's throats.

Why yes! This is computers and the internet! We need more opaqueness, less choices, less control, and for everything to be just as fucking ugly and unworkable as possible. It's what the users want! Fuck your subscription channel. Fuck your gmail. Fuck all your news! We'll tell you what news you like and you'll damn well like it.

On top of that, Google just straight up non-chalantly drops products whenever they damn well feel like it. It's as if the company just likes saying to the world; Eat shit!

THE GOP'S GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

THE GOP'S GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Taylor Swift did a bold move the other day in coming out and claiming that she is a Liberal, or as GOP and other 3 yr old babies would say  "A libtard" or whatever. I mean, is that even an insult that warrants acknowledgement? I can't understand if it is or if I should just be sad for the person attempting to launch an insult they can't even handle or wrap their minds around. I just shake my head at that shit.

Anyhow,Taylor Swift took to Instagram to post the following;

I’m writing this post about the upcoming midterm elections on November 6th, in which I’ll be voting in the state of Tennessee. In the past I’ve been reluctant to publicly voice my political opinions, but due to several events in my life and in the world in the past two years, I feel very differently about that now. I always have and always will cast my vote based on which candidate will protect and fight for the human rights I believe we all deserve in this country. I believe in the fight for LGBTQ rights, and that any form of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender is WRONG. I believe that the systemic racism we still see in this country towards people of color is terrifying, sickening and prevalent.
I cannot vote for someone who will not be willing to fight for dignity for ALL Americans, no matter their skin color, gender or who they love. Running for Senate in the state of Tennessee is a woman named Marsha Blackburn. As much as I have in the past and would like to continue voting for women in office, I cannot support Marsha Blackburn. Her voting record in Congress appalls and terrifies me. She voted against equal pay for women. She voted against the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, which attempts to protect women from domestic violence, stalking, and date rape. She believes businesses have a right to refuse service to gay couples. She also believes they should not have the right to marry. These are not MY Tennessee values. I will be voting for Phil Bredesen for Senate and Jim Cooper for House of Representatives. Please, please educate yourself on the candidates running in your state and vote based on who most closely represents your values. For a lot of us, we may never find a candidate or party with whom we agree 100% on every issue, but we have to vote anyway.
So many intelligent, thoughtful, self-possessed people have turned 18 in the past two years and now have the right and privilege to make their vote count. But first you need to register, which is quick and easy to do. October 9th is the LAST DAY to register to vote in the state of TN. Go to vote.org and you can find all the info. Happy Voting!

I will not deny that Taylor Swift has my heart. I mean, come on, you can't shake it off... shake it off.  But I'm really curious why this is career suicide. She's just stating her belief and if you can deal with her stating and airing the dirty laundry of her break ups, then why is any different than the TMI that she often unloads in entertaining fashion?

Oh, I see, it's because it's against the GOP, that's why. and anything against the GOP establishment is typically seen as anti-american anti-patriotic or just a bunch of snowflakes being snowflakes and getting butt hurt about something. I see now.

But seriously, was she supposed to go for the approval of these idiots? By creating this endorsement against a party that does not have her best interest in their mind as a woman, they could go fuck themselves. Shit, this is telling in itself;

Her endorsements drew much praise but also a fierce backlash. Some white supremacists who have formed an odd cult following around the singer cried betrayal, while some more mainstream fans said she should have stuck to her music.
On Monday, Donald Trump joined in, saying he now liked Swift’s music “about 25% less”.
Criticism is nothing new for Swift, whose political silence has drawn just as much vitriol as her decision to speak out.

Oh man, Trump likes her 25% less? Woah, sick burn there, homie. Also, why the fuck would anyone want their following to be from a cult of white supremacist. I would totally be feeling off if my fan base was all white cloaked fools who hate minorities. Good riddance.

I do have to hand it to The Onion for very quickly coming up with this response to the news.  Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan

Come on, now that's funny. That's how you critique something like this. Either way, I'm glad Taylor Swift stood up and fuck all those fuckers. Just makes me like her even more.

BETTER CALL SAUL - OR SNAIL MAIL HIM

BETTER CALL SAUL - OR SEND HIM A LETTER

In an episode of Better Call Saul a few weeks back, there was a situation where a judge was getting tons and tons of letters from a small town in Louisiana for Huell's court case. Well, if you looked at the fine detail of the letter and recall that this show is all about making sure every little detail matters, you would see that the letters can be sent to;

The Honorable Judge Benedict Munsinger
Bernalillo County Metropolitan Court
415 Tijeras Ave NW
Albuquerque, NM 87102

The address actually is the correct address for the courthouse. So I wonder what would happen if that court was flooded with a slew of letters about this breaking bad spinoff topic.

This wouldn't be the first time that the show caused a situation that crossed in to the world of the real. The Walter White house used to get pizzas thrown on top of their roof constantly in recreating that scene when Walter just chucks a pizza straight up there. So much so that they had to request folks not do that, to the point where they just put a gated fence around the house so you couldn't even trespass onto the drive way.

So yeah, mailing the judge is totally going to be the new pizza on the roof for Better Call Saul fans, isn't it?  

ORSON WELLS AINT GOT NOTHING ON MODERN MORONS

ORSON WELLS AINT GOT NOTHING ON MODERN MORONS

Over the weekend a Space X rocket was launched, confusing the fuck out of a lot of people for some dumb reason even though there's about roughly one launch every couple of months. It looked a little something like this



I'm just really surprised that since we live in a place that regularly gets rocket launches out of the base just north of Santa Barbara, that we have a couple of space manufactures and companies here, that no one can get a grip on the fact that a giant thing is in the sky.

Sort of reminds me of the whole story about War of the Worlds radio program that was claimed to have scared folks into a panic in thinking that it was real. The actual reality to that is that those reports were false and the radio show didn't actually cause panic in the streets. In fact, the whole craze of reporting it as such was simply a matter that the News Print industry wanted to discredit and put a black eye on radio since it was a much faster means of delivering the news than having to actually write a story about it, print it and get it out to the masses. So it was Print media's way of just throwing some shade on the whole medium of radio.

Yeah, I think I just ruined your Halloween and the notion that masses could be stirred up so easily. Don't worry, they still can. The only difference is that now the attention span of that outrage is much shorter and moved on quickly to another outrage without ever really resolving the first.

Besides, everyone knows that the pretty blue and white glow that this Space X rocket was just chem trails and we're all just getting dumber and dumber due to government stooges suppressing the masses... Okay, maybe not, but I'm sure someone will make a stupid youtube video about it soon in wondering if another Space X rocket is some how a UFO just really showing off blasting away from the earth.

Come back, Alf.

YELP'S COMPLAINT LINE

YELP'S COMPLAINT LINE

So I used to write a lot of yelp reviews. Mainly because I was bored and I liked food. But since the company is a worthless piece of shit that seems to muscle in their reviews and get paid off to take off negative reviews constantly.

Well, after about 2k reviews, and about a couple of dozen getting removed over the course of the years, I got the notice that yet another one of my fine free reviews to their site was stripped because, as the letter put it.

We typically remove reviews that address culturally sensitive subjects in ways that reinforce negative stereotypes or make light of physical or sexual violence.

In this case, we felt that your content of Angel's Cabaret crossed that line, even if you didn't intend it to. The text of your review is copied for reference below, and we hope you'll continue to share your experiences on Yelp while keeping the Content Guidelines in mind.

So what was the offending content to all of this?  Here's the removed Content:

This place is clearly the official bar of the Anaheim Angels, right? No?! Then why is it that I see the hot dog vendor from the game chilling and getting a lap dance? I swear, we saw the dude at the stadium just hours before serving up wieners. it's only fitting that on his off time he's still serving them up.

This is a bikini bar that has an actually impressive selection of beer. Though who the fuck can think of enjoying some Arrogant Bastard when you can get some cheap ass pitchers of beer to go with the atmosphere of pool tables and whatever the hell is going on with the pole on stage.

The trouble comes in when you're pretty much feeling like the ladies are hard up to make the quota of shots/dances/etc. sold. They will constantly bug you to buy their shit and help a girl up.

Every time I've come here with Cheaptimes, we've always had the snaggletooth looking waitress try to unload her pussy shots on us. And like clockwork, Cheaptimes always rejects her.

It's actually pretty damn funny and if I go and that doesn't happen, I'll probably feel like I've gone to Disney and not seen Mickey Mouse.

So yeah, it's the type of place you want to get a cheap beer and potentially get harassed by waitresses who need to sell a certain quota of drinks otherwise they'd get even poorer treatment at work. Go figure.

Why thank you, Yelp Support Team of San Francisco, Ca. You are guarding the internet from crazy reviews that may be offensive about a bikini bar in the shady part of Anaheim.  You sir, are the first line of defense.

I feel like I should defend myself a little. First off, I'm not sure what exactly was the offending material. I was writing about a bikini bar. A place that the waitresses walk around in their..... well, skimpiest of outfits without legally becoming a nude bar. Because as you well know, you can't have alcohol in a place where the tits are flopped out.

Could it have been the comment about the Angels stadium hot dog vendor there? Because funny story. My friend, Cheaptimes. Yes, that is what we call him on account of him always wanting a cheap time and having a paid for truck, decided to invite me to an Angels game before we made our way to this fine established drinking spot. And sure enough when we got there after the game had ended, the vendor who sold us Hot Dogs no more than 20 minutes prior at the game, was there getting a lap dance. It was a bit of a small world.

Could it be because of the "Pussy shot"? I mean, that was literally the name of the shots that they put on the waitresses to walk around and try to sell to customers. They were around $10 a shot and probably were the nastiest thing you could put in your mouth in the place. My friend constantly brushed them away.

Oh, I know, snaggletooth? I get it. Look, this is the #METOO era and all, but let's call a spade a spade. In this case, someone with the worse overbite possible and it's the truth. If I can't tell the truth in an online review about a shitty bikini bar, then what rights do I have left as an American?

But hey, I still am not sure what the offense material is in this as they didn't really point it out and since they just cut and pasted my entire review, I don't know if it's going to teach me any lessons on if I ever want to write another review for the free website of Yelp.

Soooooooo great job.