Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Adding a bit of a Trickster To Comic Con

Adding a bit of a Trickster To Comic Con

It's pretty clear that the biggest stuff from Comic Con was the amazing stuff that Marvel was dropping on all of us with their news on upcoming projects. It really did leave DC shaking in their boots. This shit was pretty dope. Like when Loki came out and called out all those Hall H campers on their... well, their smell.

And as a bonus, here's this sneak peak at Agent Sharon Carter short that will appear on the Iron Man 3 DVD when it's released.

DC who?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Riots in the streets of HB

Riots in the streets of HB

Well, you can add another reason as to why Californians riot. Surf competitions. Yeah, that's right. Of all things a silly competition to see who can stand on a board over water will lead to riots. As it seems that those uppity kids in HB really do take that shit seriously.

From what I hear, some fight started over a thrown ketchup bottle off a restaurant's second floor and it resulted in an all out mass break down of civility. Go figure.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Alton Brown - Donut Thief

Alton Brown - Donut Thief

For the longest time on the early days of Good Eats, Alton Brown would shoot segments at Koger, which is for any Georgian, a staple market you'll probably go in to. For the rest of the country, it's just called Ralphs. In any event, after a certain point they stopped filming there. Here's the reason as to why;

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Powdered Milk

After pouring over yogurt research for hours on end this Sunday, I finally got an idea that I could invest in: a fast, easy and delicious method for making yogurt from scratch. Experiments would be required.

I threw my worthless hound in the truck and struck out for hardware - a few jars from the Container Store, a shiny new probe thermometer (Pyrex I might add - nice design) from BB&B and a secret weapon or two from Target. Then, I turned towards a quality mega-mart for software.

Upon entering the market and snagging a hand basket I spied a Krispy Kreme display (strategically placed) featuring a food I have a tough time resisting: donut holes - Krispy Kreme donut holes. Since I hadn't eaten all day, their siren song was strong. Before I knew it a box was in my basket. Somewhere between the canned goods and the bakery, discipline and good manners dissolved in a puddle of lust and I cracked the carton and gobbled not one but two of the luscious nuggets. I could have done the entire box but that would have made an ugly scene.

My hunger temporarily silenced, I returned to my research. The "natural" dairy case presented me with several half gallons of milk with varying fat contents and a couple of yogurts with culture counts high enough to use as starters. The last thing on my list was powdered milk so I cut up through soft drinks to get to the baking aisle. I only made it halfway up before spotting another guilty pleasure: Tab - the only soft drink I like (something about that saccharine aftertaste I guess). Since my hand basket runneth over I had to empty the contents and repack to make room for six pack.

Five minutes later I finally gave up on the powdered milk and headed for the checkout. As soon as I settled up I was approached by what I thought to be a loyal GE fan wanting to chat about skirt steak or maybe the merits of tapioca as a thickener. Believe it or not, talking to people in markets is the best part of my job.

But, before I could say "kosher salt" the rather large gentleman flashed a badge and "escorted" me to the managers office, where he made me feel even more at home by cuffing my hands behind my back. He then confronted me with my crime.

The donut holes.

I'd left the donut holes on the shelf in the soft drink aisle.

I'd opened the box, eaten two of the holes and abandoned the rest.

Busted - like Benjamin Bunny.

I apologized profusely for my absent mindedness and stupidity. I tried to explain that I had been deep in thought, trying to work out a food experiment that was a bit over my head.

The officer told me not to patronize him and asked me if I could make $500 bond. I told him that I wouldn't be able to get hold of that kind of cash until morning which seemed to amuse him a bit. As they ran a background check the store manager took the opportunity [to] lecture me on the evils of stealing. When I assured him that despite their deliciousness I had no intention of attempting to lift a two dollar box of donut holes, he just shook his head and said "It's not like we don't put out plenty of samples". With that he headed off into the store, perhaps to keep an eye on that toddler on aisle 3.

As my captor and another, newly arrived officer conferred over my record (a couple of traffic tickets - no arrests) and my possible fate, I thought back to all the days I'd spent shooting scenes for Good Eats scenes in stores belonging to this chain. I thought about dropping names - I knew who the manager's boss was and his boss too, but I didn't. The way I figured it, it shouldn't have mattered. This could have happened to anyone - my mom for instance. I wondered if my daughter had been with me if they would have called family services.

Forty five minutes later they decided to let me go. I really think it was the fact that I'd left my dog in the car that loosened them up. If they'd hauled me downtown there would have been a howling basset/beagle mix in the parking lot and that couldn't be good for business.

Of course they took my picture for store records and made me sign a form saying that I understood that I had been given a criminal trespass warning and that if I ever set foot in that particular mega-mart again I would be arrested "on the spot". I assured the officer and the manager that they didn't have to worry about that one bit. I was then uncuffed and escorted downstairs where I was allowed to pay for my doughnut holes.

In the end I know what happened was my own fault. After all, it was me who picked up the donut hole box. I knowingly opened said box and purposely ate two of them. I then "conveniently" left them on a shelf in the soft drink aisle. I also know that shoplifting is a serious issue to American retailers.

But what if:

What if a store employee had simply said, "Sir, you forgot your doughnut holes" and handed me the box before I had moved past the register and into custody? I would have been a thankful, happy customer. I have to think that this approach would have required a lot less of the store's manpower. They could have kept a loyal customer rather than losing one.

So what did I learn? I learned to not assume that I live in a world where a person can make a simple mistake without getting his picture taken in cuffs for "the record". I learned that I don't like handcuffs. I learned that I'll have to find another grocery chain to shoot Good Eats in. And I learned that one should never, ever open a package of anything in a grocery store.

The donut holes were great though.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Hope You're Not Afraid of Clowns

Hope You're Not Afraid of Clowns

Florida is a freaky enough place as is. I lived there for a short stint and, well, in an effort to lose some weight back then, I kept going on hikes. Being that America's wang is entirely swamp like, this meant you had to go through a lot of swampy and creepy ass places to get out there.The sounds you hear are pretty freaky in their own right. It's nature and you don't know if someone is following you when you hear that twig snap or if it's just a gator that will eat you.

So with that said, this is certainly not what you want to run into when you're out in the Florida swamp lands away from civilization... more so than when you're actually in civilization in Florida.

Some Park Ranger in Aventura Florida on a Oleta River hiking trail decided to make hikers shit their pants a couple of weeks back as he thought it would be funny to set up a life size clown costume in the bike trail and make you fucking crap your pants.  Yes, you would probably need a lot of years of therapy to get over that shit.

To you, Park Ranger, I salute your crazy ass skills of scaring the shit out of people.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

How To Make Buttermilk Truck's Pancakes

How To Make Buttermilk Truck's Pancakes

Here's how you make the Buttermilk Truck's pancakes

I have to say, the whole "Use our mix" sort of annoys me since pancake mix is so simple to make that I don't believe anyone should ever have to buy a pre-mixed pancake mix. That shit is just lazy and stupid on all accounts.

Friday, July 26, 2013

A Comic Con Video Wrap up - of Gravity and Spunky Detectives

A Comic Con Video Wrap up - of Gravity and Spunky Detectives 

The entire Gravity Falls panel, one that had a line going out the door, a couple of turns and then outside of the con, finally showed up online. And it's well worth checking out. For nothing more than an original scripted table reading of the Pines going to Comic Con

Bonus points is that it was moderated by Matt Chapman, internet famous Home Star Runner and Strong Bad.

Up next is a simple one. A Veronica Mars little sum up of the film with a bit of a preview;

Sure, it's no news like what Marvel was dropping. And it certainly wasn't that big whole "Batman will be in the next Superman film" bullshit. But then again, I dislike the movie version of both Batman and Superman so badly that I don't give a fuck about any of that shit anyway.

What makes comic con comic con, is these relatively smaller panels and news pieces that make their way through the circuit.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

That Statue of Satan's Dong is Really Lowering Our Property Value

That Statue of Satan's Dong is Really Lowering Our Property Value

Okay, so it's not just his dong, it's his entirety. Just look at this thing;

It seems that an Arizona man may not be the best of neighbors as he is being forced to take down a giant nine-foot tall, hatchet holding gargoyle statue that is on his empty front yard because those neighbors have been complaining about the damn thing's crotch for ever now!

You see, gargoyles have genders and this one is a sure fired male as you can tell from his metallic flaccid penis. This is a creation of Yavapai County's David Smith and he argues that the gargoyle has been erected on his yard for years now without complaints.It appears that these American  freedoms we enjoy so much do not include having a giant scary looking metal flaccid penis beast on your front yard. Go figure.  

Now Smith must take down the damn gargoyle and let me ask you, where do you think it's going? Ain't nobody has room to put that thing away, you hear.

All of this is kind of funny, while also being kinda sad at the same time. Go figure.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Girls Just Want To have Fun - Guys Actually Do

Girls Just Want To have Fun - Guys Actually Do 

Cindy Lauper famously sang this song about Girls simply wanting to have one heck of a good time.

I mean, it was too good not to post the video for. And much like the song said "we're not the fortunate ones", indeed they aren't. You see, the Pew Research center discovered that in fact, Girls just WANT to have fun, while GUYS, well. We actually have all the fun. Specifically an extra five hours a week worth of it.

According to a Pew Research, men spend an additional five hours a week watching television, exercising and doing other activities geared toward relaxation and recreation. And while the gender gap among working parents was slightly smaller, it did show that working fathers have an average of three more hours of leisure time than working mothers each week.

Which begs the question, how do we find the time to relax and not drive ourselves crazy with chores and what not? I think perhaps it's a lack of giving one fuck about things. It seems that is the case here. As Pew's notes point out;
Fathers and mothers seem to experience their free time differently. Mothers’ free time is often interrupted, which may make it hard for them to relax (Bianchi, et al. 2006; Mattingly & Bianchi 2003). Moreover, mothers tend to spend more time than fathers in multitasking; the additional hours spent on multitasking are mainly related to time spent on housework and child care (Offer & Schneider 2011).
So perhaps if you're seeking the gender equality, one step you can take towards that is to simply stop and smell the roses a little more. Watch that bridal make over show an extra hour instead of dusting the shelves.

Okay, this seems odd. I mean, I'm suggesting NOT keeping up the place. A sort of race to the bottom, if you will. Perhaps this is the ying and yang that the genders just need. I mean, what right would you have to nag if you weren't doing all the work and us men weren't the ones sitting on our ass watching the game on the television after all?

So hey, carry on. Just know that girls might want to have fun - but it's us guys that are doing so.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Non-Existent Book Was Better

The Non-Existent Book Was Better

A couple days ago I wrote about how Stephen Spielberg predicted the impending doom of Hollywood Blockbusters and what not. Which was odd since we're right in the middle of them - so it's a simple matter of looking to see if the latest films that came out and are coming out in the next and past few weeks make the grade.

Oddly enough, Warner Bros. must not have been paying attention as they optioned up a huge Alien-invasion movie based on a novel that hasn't even been published yet. Will McIntosh's Defenders doesn't come out till October of 2014. Which seems like a pretty big lead in time from when Warner Bros. But hey, you can read Will McIntosh's short story here. 

 For those of you who don't want to read a lot - which it really isn't, here's a little excerpt from it.

In an eyeblink, Lila lost all contact with the rest of the world. The silence was shocking, the sense of isolation unnerving, partly because she knew it meant the jet had penetrated the Defenders’ cloak and entered Australian airspace. For a moment she stared blankly at the stray tufts of gray hair visible over the seat back in front of her. That would be Gayatri Nadal, the Ambassador from India. Then she thought to look out the window
There was nothing to see yet; they were still above the smoky cloud-cover. It was hard to believe Australia was down there. Over the past twenty-eight years it had taken on almost mythical dimensions in Lila’s mind, and knowing she would see it any moment, see what it had become, set her heart pounding.
The Spanish ambassador, in the seat next to Lila, turned, as if noticing her for the first time. “Nervous?”
She nodded. The word didn’t begin to describe the shades and layers of what Lila was feeling, but it would do as a rough approximation.
The Spaniard’s white eyebrows pinched. “Were you even alive when the Luyten invaded?” Bolibar: His name came to her as he spoke. “Have you ever seen a Defender?”
Lila laughed, not sure if he was trying to flatter her, or if he really thought she was still in her twenties. “Oh, I’ve seen Defenders. And Luyten.” She closed her mouth. That was all she wanted to say on that topic. The last thing she wanted, given that she was the youngest ambassador on the plane, was to seem immature by getting upset on the flight in.
“Ah. I’m sorry,” he said, reading her face. “You were a young girl? I’m sorry.”
The second apology was for bringing up the painful topic, no doubt. It was impolite to bring up the Luyten invasion if you weren’t sure the person you were speaking to was amenable to the topic.
It's a pretty good short story, if you ask me. But it does beg the question on how anyone is going to be able to make the claim that the book was better when the book doesn't even exist yet and the movie is getting optioned off. Oh, it's a new low for book readers everywhere.

On the flip side, it's a glorious day to be a science fiction reader.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Terry Gilliam Fucks With your Mind using Math

Terry Gilliam Fucks With your Mind using Math

Oh Jesus, my fucking mind. I... don't even know how to understand this trailer and what it is doing to my fucking brain.

But damn you, Terry Gilliam. This is what I want to see. This feeling of my frontal cortex just getting jammed with this imagery and Brazil like set design just fucks with my brain oh so good, that it probably wants a smoke afterwards.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Creating The Happiest Place on Earth - Imagineers At Work

Creating The Happiest Place on Earth - Imagineers At Work

Ah Disney. With the Tiki Room turning 50 years old today, I wanted to stop for a moment and just take a look at the entire park in a sort of how to on its creation. So if you will, here's a little.. and by little I mean hour long, presentation that should enlighten your brain on how Disney's magic was created.

Wasn't that neat.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Fuck it, Let's do a Justice League in the Future again

Fuck it, Let's do a Justice League in the Future again

That's probably what they say every few months over at DC HQ. I mean, the idea is a can't lose. You whore out your franchise staples in a way that isn't fucking over the current time line - though they don't mind bending over and giving it a thrust to two to your fan favorites as it is, but it also generates a shit ton of cash. So of course you'll see future versions of Superman and Batman pop up. It's no different with this new DC cashing in on legacy characters with Justice League 3000

 I'm just not sure about these designs. In any case,  Keith Giffen, JM DeMatteis and Kevin Maguire will be writing and drawing these books. Which is pretty hopeful that they may turn out okay given the nice writing staff on it. But there's just something off about the costumes here.

 Interesting that Superman, in the 3000's is still rocking out to some Morrissey. What an emo little bitch. The minimalist in the symbol is alright, but still, something off. 
 I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with  Wonder Woman. She's just like, all frazzled or something.
 You would think that there was a Flash Museum or something that he could take some page away from in creating his costume. But hey, Flash is Flash and I won't be all that surprised when it's revealed that this is Bart or something like that.
 Please don't let it be that terrorist... please don't let it be that terrorist. please don't let it be that terrorist.

I still don't get why they always have to do future batman to be so... well, so color schemed. More than anything, you would think that a couple thousand years into the future would lead to a slight variation on the superheroes we get in the justice league and not the same ol' cookie cutter versions we have grown tired of seeing over and over again.

Does anyone else find it weird that you go a thousand years into the future... And the Justice League is composed of the exact same group of super heroes? Some I understand as the powers are "passed on" (like Green Lantern and Batman, to a degree) and I suppose Superman doesn't "die" so it's probably the same Superman from "our" time. But Wonder Woman and Flash? WW's immortality is a bit debatable but what are the odds of two new super heroes with their taste in fashion and power taking up the mantle? I mean I guess it plays off of the "following in the foot steps" but it's always just dumb to me. I feel like you'd have other super heroes with other powers, which I guess they'll probably introduce then kill off cause people only wanna see the big name superheroes

Happy Birthday, Tonga Hut!

Happy Birthday, Tonga Hut!

55 years ago with the poly pop movement and craze sweeping the Americana mind set, came Los Angeles' oldest Tiki Bar and today.. or this weekend is thier celebration. Here's a piece that can be found in the L.A Times that will tell you more;

First discovered by Captain James Cook in 1773, the tiny Kingdom of Tonga sits amid crystal blue waters in the southern Pacific Ocean. Much closer to home in North Hollywood, the Tonga Hut is a welcoming island in its own right amid the Valley's summer-heated suburban sprawl.
This month, the Tonga Hut is celebrating 55 years of pineapple garnishes and fire-breathing totems, ensuring its continued status as the oldest operating tiki bar in Los Angeles. And it shows no signs of slowing down.
"Everybody here, whether you are young or old, you all fit together" says co-owner Amy Boylan. "This is a neighborhood bar. Here you'll see people in their 30s talking to people in their 50s. Not every bar has that. You can walk into 100 bars in L.A. and you won't find that."

By striking that balance between throwback and modernity, the Tonga Hut has found longevity in a genre has seen many of its contemporaries disappear. Last March, Rosemead's boisterous mainstay Bahooka closed after 46 years of business. It appeared to be an ominous sign for the tiki scene, but in many respects, tiki still appears to be thriving.
Disneyland's Enchanted Tiki Room celebrated 50 years of singing birds and thatched roofs last month, outlasting many of the renovations that have overcome the rest of the park. Patron saint of the cocktail umbrella, Don the Beachcomber has had its name resurrected for Orange County's recent beachside temple in Sunset Beach. Even rum, that pillar of every tiki bar menu, has been elevated in status by the recently opened La Caña in downtown Los Angeles while bars such as Manhattan's PKNY are bringing tiki culture into the high-end speak-easy scene.
The owners of the Tonga Hut do not see tiki culture ending any time soon. They even have their eyes set on expanding the brand beyond North Hollywood and toward tiki-friendly Palm Springs.
The tiki craze struck the U.S. following World War II. James Michener's "Tales of the South Pacific" romanticized the tropical landscape, and the book was transformed into the Rodgers and Hammerstein Broadway show "South Pacific" two years later. For the next 15 years the craze spread across the country, filling countless closets with Hawaiian shirts in hopes of impressing the lusty women pasted onto the covers of LPs by the likes of Martin Denny and Arthur Lyman. It was an irresistibly appealing lifestyle full of consequence-free suntans and potent drinks glowing with unnatural hues.
The Tonga Hut opened at the peak of that craze and has carried the bamboo torch ever since. Although it has had a few additions since opening, the dimly lighted intimate space has all the requirements of any tiki aficionado. A four-tier fountain gently descends behind the bar's illuminated bottles while a shallow pool opposite the bar houses a small, drooling statue. Several snug booths are held up by totem-like pillars rescued from a Playa del Rey apartment complex while a more communal space opens up around a midcentury enamel fireplace in the center. In between, patrons chatter, united in their love of loud fabrics, strummed ukuleles and strong, mysterious libations.
"It's important to remember our past, but it's important to be relevant," explains Boylan. "We're not what you call 'bamboo/palapa tiki.' We're Midcentury Modern tiki. We play in both groups."
Charming bartender Lisa-Marie Burnside has been responsible for filling many of the customers' collectible tiki mugs for the last six years. She can easily whip up a crisp mai tai or a tall Voodoo Juice, playfully splashing rum into shakers and squeezing simple syrup with a casual flair. She even ladles drinks into tiki's greatest contribution to drinking culture: cocktail bowls. A four-person Scorpion bowl forms a communal experience that casually introduces drinkers to the ghosts of tropical-themed evenings of the past by way of an oversized straw.
Understandably, the standard tiki repertoire is second-nature for Burnside, but Boylan is more than happy to see her branch out beyond the Pacific. A small illuminated board behind the bar boasts the new creations she has dropped in alongside the well-worn punches and zombies. Her go-to creation, the Belle Époque, with a smattering of liqueurs, fresh mint and spices, easily slides in among the classics.
"People who truly love what tiki stands for, it's kind of corny, but it's a mind-state," says Boylan. "I think it'll probably go out of fashion like everything else, but tiki has come and gone half a dozen times already.
"What the Hut represents is an aloha spirit, a friendly state of mind," she adds. "It's a special place."

Ah, to keep those Tiki days going.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Final Justice League

Final Justice League

Since it's the week of Comic Con, what better time to talk about that nerdy shit so I can potentially get a media press pass next year for being one of the billion "press" there. In any case, the major news a week or so back was that Christian Bale was done playing Batman and that his involvement in the potential Justice League movie was pretty much sealed to the same fate as Bruce Wayne's parents.

But here's Bale's comments about being Batman:
“We were incredibly fortunate to get to make three [Batman films]. That’s enough. Let’s not get greedy. Chris [Nolan] always said he wanted to make it one film at a time. And we ended up sitting there looking at each other, saying ‘We’re about to make the third.’ We never really knew if we were going to get to be there, but if that was how it was going to be, this was where it should end as well.”
He then goes on to talk about his lack of knowledge about the Justice League movie:
”I have no information, no knowledge about anything. I’ve literally not had a conversation with a living soul. I understand that they may be making a Justice League movie, that’s it.”
As for someone else being Batman:
“It’s a torch that should be handed from one actor to another. So I enjoy looking forward to what somebody else will come up with.”'
I say good. I really really REALLY hated his Batman. Mainly because he was always a far better Bruce Wayne than he was a decent Batman. Which is one of the reasons why I feel like Superman doesn't work. Because Nolan somehow got the two characters confused.

Bruce Wayne is first and foremost Batman. Superman on the other hand is Clark Kent first and Superman second. Somehow in the film franchises the two go mixed up. We see far more Bruce in the Batman films and far too little Clark Kent in the Superman film.

When Bale was Batman you couldn't understand a word he said and the whole direction of the character was taken into this strange realm that I wasn't very pleased with. You had such a contradiction in the message from movie to movie. In the first it was about the city needing him. Then in the second  the message was hammered home that the city didn't need him as an icon or even give him the proper recognition for his work, that it needed someone like Dent and Batman would be the scapegoat. But then in the third you had the complete opposite again where Batman was fighting in the streets and the city was complete shit without him. Only for him to sacrifice himself in a fake death.

It was a complete and utter mess of a story arch and I really didn't like how Bale acted as Batman and the Nolan experience was lost on me. So having that wrapped up and done with is good for me. But at the same time it's a pretty clear indication that DC and Warner Brothers can't pull their heads out of their ass for more than ten seconds to get this done despite the fact that they have this franchise and intellectual property sitting in their lap.

How the fuck can Marvel, who sold most of everything off a decade ago to everyone else and was on the brink of losing it all, actually have their shit together on this and are able to come up with the films like Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk and The Avengers and make dollars hand over fist on. But DC, which own all their characters can't make a film for shit that isn't some garbage like Green Lantern or Man of Steel?

Pull your shit together, DC. You're really fucking the bag on this whole mess.   

Thursday, July 18, 2013

We Still Talking About Game of Thrones?

We Still Talking About Game of Thrones?

I mean, it's comic con and all that jazz. Not sure how much can really be said at con about the next season since the last just ended. But I'm sure they're not thinking about doing some sort of Kill Bill story for Arya, right?

I'm sure Tarantino is working on that. Expect it out some time in the next three decades.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

You Know, Magento Was Right

You Know, Magento Was Right

When you think about it, and as we approach the release of Wolverine 2, Electric Slice-a-roo, you have to realize that the X-men is a really horrible franchise.

Like, really. Your main hero leader owns a child army and even though Wolverine is some sort of loner wolf type of character, he always has people around him... and yet he manages to be some really awful serial killer. You have Cyclops who is a complete dick to his own people and loves a red head who constantly comes back from the dead and goes batshit insane, burning everything.

What do these people do? They actively spend their time demonizing a holocaust survivor who's actively trying to stop his people from getting rounded up by fascists and others who hate them because they fear their special abilities.

In fact, just about everything that Magneto predicts at any time in what the regular homo sapiens will do has consistently happened to a disturbingly accurate prediction. I'm surprised he doesn't keep telling them "I told you so".

I get what they're trying to do. Prove humanity is wrong about them by turning the other cheek when they get slapped and labeled monsters against society. But that doesn't change the fact that they're constantly protecting those who actively want to see them dead and have taken steps to make sure that all mutants are registered, tagged and accounted for simply because one mutant accidentally blew up near a school.

So yeah...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Comic Book Gals

Comic Book Gals

While females in comic books more often than not end up being just some female version of the hero - only with boobs and a slimmer waist, I think these take on the female body in a comic book twist are well worth viewing. I mean, it's not like it's really objectification... at least it's artistic, okay?

Were you able to name them all? Flash and Hulk may have thrown you a bit off. Still, they are really well done. Oh, and here's one of Kat Dennings, who is a super hero in her own right since she technically is in Marvel's Thor films. Mmmmm Kat Dennings

Monday, July 15, 2013

Forbidden Island

Forbidden Island 

Summer is now here and Father's day is done with. Without having to worry about pleasing mommy and daddy, it's all about enjoying the fuck out of Summer and the best way to do that is BOOM! With some Tiki love.

Check out this video for the huge ass Virgin Sacrifice at Forbidden Island in the bay area. Man, it's well worth checking out as it's a neat little bar that is a must in visiting the next time you're up that way.

Ah yes. It's perfect for this summer weather. mmmm fuck June gloom.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Sum Ting Wong with the News

Sum Ting Wong with the News

Sum Ting was definitely wrong with this news caster last week in the breaking news about the Korean plane crash in San Fransisco;

I couldn't stop laughing at that. Especially having worked in a news room for a brief period, it doesn't surprise me that the on air talent has no fucking clue what they are reading and at best they're trained monkeys when it comes to the news.

But hey, I guess they did issue an apology when they figured what the fuck out.

Then I come across this little news plug

Can you really be that proud of your coverage of this event when you clearly had the on air talent just fall for the biggest racial joke that has graced pranks on television? Why not also advertise that you were the first to interview Captain Sum Ting Wong

This is the major problem with the news today. Everyone is so gun ho in trying to get the scoop and being first to report it that they're trusting places like twitter to get their sources and never bother to verify before they announce it.

All the news outlets seem to be doing more and more goofs like this lately and it's a pretty clear reason as to why the news is so much shit and filler these days. But hey, at least we got some racial laughs out of this one. 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Force is Strong with this Burger

The Force is Strong with this Burger

I came across this video on the good ol Internet and it had a lot of questions pop out of it. Just watch it for yourself;

First off, what the fuck is Burger Chef? Well, the answer to that is that it was a burger joint in the south that got bought out by Carl's Jr. in the 80's. Go figure. No wonder I had no clue about that shit. So that was a simple answer.

Next up in the line of questions is why or how does Darth Vader eat a burger with all his life support stuff? I best not answer that or someone might find my lack of faith disturbing.

Finally, the big question is if that is Violet from Willy Wonka? And the answer is yes. I guess that's what happens when they juice you of all your grape flavor. You're stuck with the medical bills from Wonka's factory - those Oompa Loompa's don't come cheap! Leaving you to work your ass off at a low paying minimum wage gig just to cover the hospital bills.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Manning Up Happens at Age 43

Manning Up Happens at Age 43

They say that it sure as hell takes a long time for a guy to become a man, whatever the fuck that means. Well, I guess we now know what exactly the fuck it means, as a new study shows that Men don't "grow up" till age 43
A study into the differences in maturity between genders revealed both men and women agree men remain 'immature' well into their late 30s and early 40s.
But the average age at which women mature emerged as 32.
Alarmingly, eight out of ten women believe that men 'never stop being childish' - with breaking wind, burping, eating fast food in the early hours and playing videogames their biggest bug-bears.
Staying silent during arguments, not being able to cook simple meals and re-telling the same old jokes and stories when with the lads were also hailed as signs of immaturity.
The research was commissioned by Nickelodeon UK to mark the launch of the new show Wendell & Vinnie showing weeknights at 7:00pm.
Tim Patterson VP, Director of Programming, Nickelodeon UK, said: ''As a man, especially one who works for a children's channel, the question if men ever reach maturity is one I am well accustomed to.
''However as the characters Wendell and Vinnie show in our new programme, a difference in maturity between two people definitely makes for an amusing partnership.''
Both men and women agreed women reach proper maturity much earlier than guys, at the typical age of 32.
Men were nearly twice as likely to describe themselves as immature than were women with one in four men believing they are actively immature.
Women were also twice as likely as men to feel that they were the 'grown up' one in their current relationship.

Far be it for me to question Nickelodeons statistical analysis, but perhaps I'm not sure what I'm reading here. So both men and women agreed that women reached a maturity level in their 30's, but that men were nearly twice as likely to describe themselves as immature than women were? How is that really an indication of being a Man? You can still be immature and still pay all your bills on time, go to work and raise a child. Just because it's perceived as immature doesn't mean that you haven't grown up.

If anything, it simply means that you still maintain the attitude of that younger self even though women have lost all sense of humor and playfulness by then. I wouldn't so much say that they are more mature, it's just that shit stopped being so funny to them. It's really a tragedy when you think about it.

Also, feeling like you've 'grown up' is much like feeling 'independent'. Just because you claim you are, doesn't mean that you necessarily are. I can claim that I train dragons as a side job. Doesn't mean that I'm anything more than delusion about it. Just because you say you're mature doesn't make it so. Especially not when you're still going out with the gals for a girls night out to hit up the clubs and get free drinks from those immature boys, who are totally immature little children buying drinks for nearly nakedly dressed women in an attempt to get them to sleep with them.

Totally immature and not grown up, man.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

In Shocking To No One News - Sexting is Cheating

In Shocking To No One News - Sexting is Cheating

The daily mail, in continuing to be the piece of shit newspaper that it has always been, shocked the world with a report aggregated from the Huffpost that stated that both men and women find sexting to be a form of cheating.

Men and women believe that sexting is as harmful to a relationship as cheating. According to a new study at how people define infidelity. In a YouGove poll of 1,000 U.S. adults commissioned b the Huffington Post, 85 percent of female respondents deemed the non-physical act dishonest, as did 74 percent of men.

Facebooking a former flame and forming a close bond with someone via text or email were also outed as adulterous acts. However, the findings did reveal gender difference in cheating attitudes.

Seventy percent of female respondents said they would consider it a betrayal of trust if their partner formed a 'deep emotional connection' with someone else over the internet, while only 50 percent of men agreed.

The majority of male participants also didn't count kissing as adultery.

Sixty percent of those surveyed said it was fine if their other half locked lips with another person, versus 34 percent of women. On the whole people became more relaxed about infidelity the older they got. 74 percent of 18 to29 year-olds considered kissing as a valid reason to break up, compared to 30per cent of over-65s. 
I expect this sort of stuff from the Huffington Post. Mainly because they're just an aggregation website that feeds off just about any little bit of trivial information to spin it to news, but the daily mail... Okay, who am I kidding? The Daily Mail would always be up on this sort of stupidity writing.

In any event, how the hell is this shocking to anyone? Of course texting sexual material to someone who isn't your significant other would be considered cheating. You may not be copping a feel or banging someone, but you're emotionally cheating on them with this new person.

That in itself is a no no. In fact, the whole notion should be easily covered with the basic concept that if you aren't comfortable with your partner doing the same thing to the opposite that you are doing, then perhaps it's something you're not suppose to be doing.

Hell, if you're doing something you wouldn't share with your partner, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. That's it. You don't need to get into what counts and doesn't count.

I'm not surprised that men don't consider kissing cheating. I mean, we're not in high school. There's no reason to throw away a relationship because of a peck on the lips. That's for damn sure. It's more when you lie to them that really stings. Nothing worse than hitting a man's pride.

Much the same, if you take away the women's feeling of being special, then you got yourself a problem. All in all, it mainly comes down to the betrayal more than anything else. The moment you lose trust in someone, it's very difficult to gain it back and a long road in that itself.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Art of Language According to Stephen Fry

The Art of Language According to Stephen Fry

Stephen Fry is a great man. And this is a great little video that you should take the few minutes to watch.

"It's only ugly because it's new and you don't like it." — Stephen Fry. Seriously though, check out 4:44 for the only time you really need to nail the wording according to Webster.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Alpine Brewing - A Company That Doesn't Know What it Wants

Alpine Brewing - A Company That Doesn't Know What it Wants

Alpine Brewery is one of those San Diego gold mines for great craft beer in true S.D. fashion. Meaning that if you want a solid IPA, Pat and the folks of Alpine Brewery know how to make one. On the flip side, it doesn't seem like Pat knows much of anything about running a business, or at the very least know how to gracefully dance around issues dealing with his customers.

Take for example the situation going on currently where Windy City liquor, on their website called Craftshack, an online shop that ships beers outside of California exporting a lot of San Diego's great breweries.

On their website you can see they offer plenty of Alpine brewery beers. Stuff like Alpine Ale, Captain Stout and Willy right there on the site. Which got Pat pretty pissed. He usually hates the fact that his beers leave the San Diego county line as he believes his beer should be more for his locals. So much so that he changed the policy of the beer buying at the brewery to a very strict 3 bottles per person of each brew per day. Per their facebook page;

Looks like those trips all the way out to Alpine, even with your buddies, will be seen as nothing more than those grey market and illegal re-sellers getting their paws on some Alpine. It made you wonder that if they were selling beers illegally and there was plenty of evidence of it, why couldn't they just report it.

It also makes you wonder why Alpine commits so much tank space to the less popular beers like Willy, Apricot Nectar, Mandarin Nector, Captain Stout, Alpine Ale and more when they could be devoting that to Pure Hoppiness, Duet, Nelson and Expo. Hoppiness. But maybe it's because the locals drink it and Pat has been pretty evident about giving priority to the locals. Or does he? From their latest Facebook post-
Alpine Beer Company It's true, Windy City Liquor/Craftshack are not the only store to send in "mules." It's also true that they aren't the only reason for our limits. We simply can not brew enough beer to meet current demand, whether that demand be here at our Brewery and Pub, or at our VERY limited number of commercial accounts. We haven't had enough beer to take on new accounts for 5 years now, and we have even had to cut back on our existing accounts. WCL/CS were called out because they are the most blatant. They advertise our beer on their website, and offer to ship it, too. When they bragged to our Distributor's delivery driver that they (WCL/CS) get more Alpine beer than our Distributor (Artisan Ales in Pasadena), we took exception. We're not interested in pursuing legal action at this point- we'd rather let them voluntarily do business ethically. We don't wish a license suspension on any business. We're a small business, too, and we know how damaging that could be. So, to our loyal customers, please understand this isn't meant as a punishment for you, or to make you suffer. This is done to help keep our beer available to those of you who visit us often, at the same low prices we've always tried to maintain, without constantly running out. Thank you for your understanding and patience. This is, we hope, only a temporary problem, and when we're FINALLY able to get our new facility built, and/or secure contract brewing sources, maybe we can eliminate those limits, and start getting beer to some liquor stores near you. Don't expect WCL/CS to be one of those!

So it's pretty clear that they can't meet the needs of the customers in the production line. 
 New posts on FB thread

 Now this is the part that gets me. He's calling out one shop for something illegal - in that reselling beer that they did not get via distributors and got through mules going to the brewery. But then conveniently ignore something illegal from another shop. There's some seriously strange moral compass going on here. In that Alpine knowingly recommended a shop (Beverages for less) in San Diego that had just been identified to it as "Reselling" New Glarus and Foothills brewing bottles. These two breweries are listed on the inventory on their site, ye there's no distributors in California that services those stores in selling either of those breweries' respected beers.

Alpine took some kind of moral stance and then had it reversed on them and their friends. Don't get me wrong, WCL was in the wrong for reselling beer from Alpine they bought via mules. But it's a great hypocrisy on Alpine's part to condemn illegal re-selling of their beer at Alpine beer Company and on Ebay, and then promote stores like Beverages for less since they're the biggest culprits of this.

They then edited it out of their facebook page, but thankfully pictures were taken.

It's funny and reminds me of when a brewery complains that a distributor is paying a bar to take their beer off the tap and then they're like shit, my distributor does that too! In the end all parties end up looking worse off which is to be expected. Hopefully they all learned something from this lesson. 

But if anything, of the many breweries in hard desperation need of a tactful marketing and social media person to manage Alpine's brand and communications with the beer community, it's Alpine that needs it badly.  Like, I get the whole point of Pat wanting to keep beers more locally. But if they were pissed that Los Angeles sold their beer on ebay, enough so that they got rid of putting Exponential Hoppines into growlers, then perhaps you should keep your beer locally and not support an online sales company that sends your beer out of state.

More to the point, at what moment do you realize that you just need to brew good beer, sell that good beer and then stop giving a shit where it goes or what people do with it once it leaves your brewery. It seems like a complete waste of energy to do anything more than that.

I mean, I don't expect logical consistency from Pat at this point, but that's a pretty shameless display of hypocrisy and with the number of breweries in San Diego, I don't know if this is really great business choices for Alpine brewery.

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Swear I Overheard This Chick Say She had a Penis

I Swear I Overheard This Chick Say She had a Penis

I swear to god that I overheard this chick say that she had a penis. It's pretty crazy, actually. This gal right here;

Actually, that's not true in the slightest. I never stood next to this woman.. or man, whatever. In my life. I don't know her nor do I actually think she has a penis. But it goes without saying that me stating such a bold statement online does put me in the hot seat of backing up said claim.

This recently came to light actually, as she herself made a pretty bold claim after being annoyed with a random stranger for talking in public transportation.
A husband allegedly bragging about cheating on his wife has been publicly shamed on Faacebook, after a train passenger overheard his conversation.

The picture of the man, who had been traveling on a train from Philadelphia wiht friends, has since been shared more than 183,000 times since a Pennsylvania mother posted it on Wednesday.

'If this is your husband, I have endured a 2 hour train ride from Philadelphia listening to this loser and his friends brag about their multiple affairs and how their wives are too stupid to catch on. Oh please repost...'
Steph Strayer, who may or may not actually have a penis wrote. Again, I may or may not have heard her state that she had a massive cock.

See that. When people randomly post pictures of others and make claims that may or may not be true. I think that we should, perhaps, not try to use social media as a method to enforce public behavior. If you don't like the conversation topic some folks are having, then perhaps you should put on some ear phones and tune that shit out.

What sort of society are we becoming when shaming others by posting their pictures online is the default action. Yeah, he may or may not be cheating on his significant other. Hell, he may not even have a significant other and is boasting to his friends about an imaginary girlfriend. But what gives this girl the right to post his image online and libel him?

He was, after all, using his freedom of speech. And while I'm aware that freedom of speech doesn't protect him from saying something stupid, I fear that we are becoming a society that anything you say not only can, but will be used against you.

As the article also reports, earlier this year, a web company fired one of its employees after she took to Twitter to complain about the sexist comments being made by two men sitting near her at a conference. Her company, SendGrid Inc, said that although it supports the need to report inoffensive behavior, publicly shaming the offenders 'was not the appropriate way to hand the situation'.

Which I think is very much the case here. She didn't have to post his image online and libel him in public. That quick rush to judgment really is problematic and we should re-examine ourselves as a society in what we probably should just tune out. The world isn't going to be all for us. We have the ability to block out the shit that isn't our particular cup o' tea.

Besides, snitches get fucking stitches.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

'Merica, Fuck Yes!

'Merica, Fuck Yes!

On this day just slightly after the fourth of July, I figure I'll write a little something that just highlights how amazing this country really is....

Okay, not really that content heavy. In fact, it wasn't content at all. In fact, it was partially sexist. But hey, you probably couldn't turn away from it.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Getting Depp into Tonto - Disneyfying Political Correctness

Getting Depp into Tonto - Disneyfying Political Correctness

This weekend The Lone Ranger was released to theaters and well, that shit was not getting over well with the public. It's probably not much of a surprise. It seems that in this modern day, not very many people enjoy westerns all that much.

Look for example on the whole Cowboys Vs. Aliens that didn't go over very well. John Carter of Mars was also a very western-ish film and that didn't go over well either. The Lone Ranger comes in at about two hours and twenty minutes. Which just seems like it's way too much Western and way too much Johnny Depp acting like Captain Jack Sparrow stuck in the middle of the desert... oh yeah, and he's in red face.

Which in itself can be the major problem of the film.

You have to ask yourself why the fuck they decided to forgo the attempt to cast an actual Native American for the role of a Native American in the film and go for Johnny Depp? It's pretty clear that they wanted to Captain Jack Sparrow it up some. They even went the full mile and made him look all Sparrowed out by making his Native American have a dead raven on his head for some unknown reason.

Though, to be fair. It was based and designed off this painting of a Native American...

But also to be blunt, it is a painting by an artist named Kirby Sattler, called I Am Crow.

If that name doesn't sound like he belongs to some Indian tribe or as the cashier of your local on-reservation casino, it's because the painter is a white man. In fact, on his website he goes on to state;
"I am not a historian, nor an ethnologist," as he hopes his paintings "satisfy my audience's sensibilities of the subject without the constraints of having to adhere to historical accuracy."
He also goes on to explain that he purposely eschews denoting tribal affiliations for the subjects of most of his works, though the title "I Am Crow," suggests the mythical figure depicted in the painting might, just by chance, be a member of the Crow Nation of Native Americans.

This is what Johnny Depp had to say about the striking face paint on the character.
"The stripes down the face and across the eyes … it seemed to me like you could almost see the separate sections of the individual, if you know what I mean…There's this very wise quarter, a very tortured and hurt section, an angry and rageful section, and a very understanding and unique side."
Why yes. He's certainly breaking those stereotypes of Native Americans. What with his portrayal of this one being wise, angry, and understanding. You shoot to strike down those stereotypes, Kemo Sabe.   

Depp also touched on the fact that he wanted to portray Tonto in a way to counteract stereotypical images of Native Americans through history. 
"The whole reason I wanted to play Tonto is to try to [mess] around with the stereotype of the American Indian that has been laid out through history or the history of cinema at the very least."
It's really starting to irk me more and more about this Red Facing. Especially when you whitewash stereotypes of Native Americans by having a white eccentric actor put on make up to represent another white man's fictional representation of what he thinks a Native American would look like.

This all ignores the main issue of going back to the basic complaint about WHY NOT HIRE SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY A NATIVE AMERICAN ACTOR!? And I'm not buying this notion that Depp has described himself as some sort of Native American.... he guesses.
"I guess I have some Native American somewhere down the line. My great grandmother was quite a bit of Native American, she grew up Cherokee or maybe Creek Indian."
Perhaps if Depp is claiming that he is actually Indian, which in itself is a pretty bold statement and big claim, that perhaps he should fully know what it is he is claiming. Just randomly picking a tribe or two and guessing it's one of those, how about you look into the past and find out exactly which one it is and align yourself with that.

Besides that, it's like claiming you are one one tenth's black, and thus you can proudly say nigger in public. Cause you're cool like that. Or to some lesser degree claiming that you can toss out that word simply because you know or have a black friend.   

But perhaps more people feel this way. I know that The Lone Ranger is getting its ass handed to it in the Box office by Universal's Despicable Me 2. A film that is far more entertaining and even though it has minions who talk a sort of foreign language gibberish, is far less culturally offensive than Depp as Tonto. 

Friday, July 5, 2013

Summer Blockbusters Are Dead - Long Live Summer Blockbusters

Summer Blockbusters Are Dead - Long Live Summer Blockbusters

At least that's according to Steven Spielberg

Steven Spielberg on Wednesday predicted an "implosion" in the film industry is inevitable, whereby a half dozen or so $250 million movies flop at the box office and alter the industry forever. What comes next -- or even before then -- will be price variances at movie theaters, where "you're gonna have to pay $25 for the next Iron Man, you're probably only going to have to pay $7 to see Lincoln." He also said that Lincoln came "this close" to being an HBO movie instead of a theatrical release.

George Lucas agreed that massive changes are afoot, including film exhibition morphing somewhat into a Broadway play model, whereby fewer movies are released, they stay in theaters for a year and ticket prices are much higher. His prediction prompted Spielberg to recall that his 1982 film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial stayed in theaters for a year and four months.

The two legendary filmmakers, along with CNBC anchor Julia Boorstin and Microsoft president of interactive entertainment business Don Mattrick, were speaking at the University of Southern California as part of the festivities surrounding the official opening of the Interactive Media Building, three stories high and part of the USC School of Cinematic Arts.
Lucas and Spielberg told USC students that they are learning about the industry at an extraordinary time of upheaval, where even proven talents find it difficult to get movies into theaters. Some ideas from young filmmakers "are too fringe-y for the movies," Spielberg said. "That's the big danger, and there's eventually going to be an implosion — or a big meltdown. There's going to be an implosion where three or four or maybe even a half-dozen megabudget movies are going to go crashing into the ground, and that's going to change the paradigm."
Lucas lamented the high cost of marketing movies and the urge to make them for the masses while ignoring niche audiences. He called cable television "much more adventurous" than film nowadays.
"I think eventually the Lincolns will go away and they're going to be on television," Lucas said. "As mine almost was," Spielberg interjected. "This close -- ask HBO -- this close."
"We're talking Lincoln and Red Tails -- we barely got them into theaters. You're talking about Steven Spielberg and George Lucas can't get their movie into a theater," Lucas said. "I got more people into Lincoln than you got into Red Tails," Spielberg joked.
Spielberg added that he had to co-own his own studio in order to get Lincoln into theaters.
"The pathway to get into theaters is really getting smaller and smaller," Lucas said.
Mattrick and Spielberg also praised Netflix, prompting Boorstin to ask Spielberg if he planned to make original content for the Internet streamer. "I have nothing to announce," said the director.
Lucas and Spielberg also spoke of vast differences between filmmaking and video games because the latter hasn't been able to tell stories and make consumers care about the characters. Which isn't to say the two worlds aren't connected. Spielberg, in fact, has teamed with Microsoft to make a "TV" show for Xbox 360 based on the game Halo and he is making a movie based on the Electronic Arts game Need for Speed.

This comes across as a little strange. I'm writing a piece currently that I may finish up tonight about The Lone Ranger, a western that has political incorrectness written all over it, but let's focus on this Hollywood situation. Both Lucas and Spielberg spoke about the difference between film making and video games because the later hasn't been able to tell stories and make consumer care about the character?

What the fuck are they smoking? That's pure bullshit. Spielberg clearly hasn't actually seen a video game since the 1980's when he had to dump all of those copies of E.T. into the New Mexico pit. But there's a lot of video games out now that you care about the character and they're mirrored, if not close to movie star level in terms of plotline and story.

That's not to say I will play them or even give a shit about them. But then again, I don't give a shit about movies like White House Down. It's just not on my radar anymore. But video games can deliver that same feel at a much lower price... for a much longer time than the two hours that a film can generate.

I do think that the Hollywood blockbuster may be coming to an end. It has become more and more easier to see that a film gets released in a theater one week and by two weeks, it's already shoved off to the dollar screening or coming out to DVD in another two months after that. The turn around really only hurts the movie theaters in the long run, but you get the point.

Besides that, there really isn't any Hollywood action stars that can carry a film anymore. Brad Pitt can do it for World War Z, but he has the whole Zombie craze helping him out there. But you see a lot of films lately that are a sort of duo carried film. Sandra Bullock and McCarthy in The Heat. Jamie Foxx and Channing Tatum in White House Down.

It's stuff like that which allows for the films to carry on. But the Die Hards or the single action hero films... those seem to be all but dead. You have to carry the film with franchise films. Superman was god damn awful and I'll get into that with a post come Comic Con time, but that's more Zack Snyder's and Nolan's fault more than anything else.

So are Hollywood films dead? Well, not really. China is going to constantly love them and eat them up. Especially since they don't have the production means to make them themselves, they will count on us to do so. It's really a nice relationship. They lend us tons and tons of money to keep our stupid country afloat, and we give them huge Hollywood blockbusters in 3D that they can't produce like Pacific Rim.

It has gotten to a point that we cater to them. If an actor doesn't do well in China, that fucker could kiss his career in getting roles to a very limited amount. We shoot scenes specifically for them and we also change plots like the one changed from the Red Dawn remake.

So in a sense. Summer Blockbusters aren't dead. They just became more communist.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Let's Blow Shit Up!

Let's Blow Shit Up! 

Ah, America. A place that will gladly show their enjoyment of being independent by blowing up the land and everything around it. Happy 4th of July! Now here's this video of a fireworks show where the crew accidentally lit ALL of the fireworks at once and made it an early night.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Monkeying Around With In-N-Out

Monkeying Around With In-N-Out

Over the past week the internet went fairly crazy over the news that In-n-Out's not so secret menu had a new addition on it. A statement I can't really understand because the secret menu is nothing more than what In-N-Out normally does upon request of your order. So even though you say animal style, they would have sauteed the the onions for you anyway if you requested it like that.

In any case, the newest addition to the menu, according to many bloggers was Monkey Style. 

So the idea is you put animal style fries into a burger. So to break it down some more, you just order a burger animal style... and put fries in it. Yes. That's all there is to this secret concept. I'm pretty sure if you asked them to put fries on top of your burger, they probably would have done so. Or hell, here's a concept. Order the animal style fries and combine them at your table.

In the culinary discovery department, this isn't all that shocking or new. San Diego developed their special "California Burrito" by simply putting fries into an existing burrito and BAM, a new invention was created. I do have to wonder what the point of fries in a burger does to it in terms of flavor anyway. Considering that in a burrito, that fries add a starch and crunch that is a bit lacking. Burgers already have that crunch with lettuce.

But even so, it seems that a lot of people fell for this social media creation and in actuality, it wasn't anything more than smoke and mirrors and one big social media prank. So discovered by many including the folks at Food Beast:
Our particular quest to In-N-Out was fruitful, but we’ve heard that many cashiers aren’t familiar with Monkey Style, or simply shy away from creating it due to its possible disruptive nature to the back of the house.
Again, I'm pretty sure that people at In-N-Out just don't acknowledge it simply because the name sounds really stupid. But sure enough, folks were led like fools to this epic meal time like challenge.

I got news for you, Denny Boy Spitta. Your name alone makes you look like the biggest fool. Not just at In-N-Out. But also wanting to try this burger is justification enough that you are in fact, exactly what the In N Out confirmed for you.

In any event, I'm going to start the next fake In-N-Out secret menu craze. I call it the Gramps. You take your burger you order, the fries and put it in the vanilla shake and then you blend it altogether. Suck it down like a champ that you are and show America what you're made of. FUCK YEAH! This, of course, is to honor gramps and how without any teeth, he would be drinking his meal.

Or you could be a normal person and eat it like a fucking human being that doesn't need to shove all his food in processed form down your noise hole. I just don't fucking get it. In-N-Out is all about freshness. From the ingredients that make up your burger to the vanilla shake and the potatoes the fries are cut on site from. Why the fuck do you want to shove them all together and not savor them little by little opposed to just smashing fries on your burger and thumping your chest.

You fucking confuse me, America. Happy almost birthday.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Rogue Brewery

Rogue Brewery

A while back I picked up a Voodoo Donuts Maple Bacon Beer that was cranked out by the brewery in Portland Rogue beer. I mean, let's face it, it was fucking terrible. Probably one of the worst beers I have ever tasted. But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. It was after all, Rogue brewery. While I did go up to their tasting room when I was in Portland, I can't say that any of their beer really thrills me. Well, maybe I do get the Morimoto Sobe Ale simply out of respect for the iron chef.

Still, the theme across their brewing line is pretty much the exact definition of gimmicky. They crank out beers that are just slightly off the beaten path, but unlike places like Dogfish Head, they aren't anything special or even attempted to be done in the manner of being GOOD.

Recently I came across a reddit thread where a former employee of Rogue described his employment there. I felt like I had to share this because it is worth noting how a company runs their business and why doing so creates beers in the manner that we do experience;
There's been a lot of talk about Rogue Ales and its business practices over the past year or two. I worked in their corporate office for a short time and so I'd like to give a brief description of my experience there.
A little over two years ago, I was laid off and in need of work. My previous job was okay, but I didn't love it and wanted to do something that I'd find personally fulfilling. I've always loved beer and the idea of the craft brewing industry, so I sent out a few e-mails to local breweries to see if they could use someone like me. About a week later, I got a call at 9:30 PM from an old man named Jack Joyce. He introduced himself as the founder and owner of Rogue Ales (a brewery which, at the time, I naively loved) and said he needed about 30 minutes to chat. I was a little starstruck so of course I took his call.
I won't go into every detail of the call, but the gist of it was this: "we don't hire recent college graduates because they haven't demonstrated any real work ethic yet." He proceeded to tell me how lazy I am and how I'd never make it at his company, but that he'd be willing to give me a shot. He said that his employees get Christmas and Thanksgiving off work, but that was it - in his own words, "Americans don't work hard enough anyway." This was a little concerning, but considering I was getting a call to work in an industry I really admired from something of an industry leader, and the fact that I was broke, I accepted his offer then and there.
I began working a few days later. I walked into the office and expected to find Jack, as I would be working with him directly as an "office ninja" (what they call new hires). Turns out, he was in Hawaii and I would be training with other people. My mentor (while Jack was gone) was someone Jack referred to as an "East Coast Jew". Basically, I was given a stack of binders and told to read through them, several times, as this would be my training.
So I read them, over and over again. One entire binder was dedicated to the things that you shouldn't say around Jack - words like "new normal", "game changer", "paradigm", etc.. If you did say them around him, you'd be punished. Seriously.
So after I had read all the training manuals about 4 times each, my job was to use a clipping service to find any and all mentions of Rogue in print or e-media. Rogue doesn't have a dedicated PR department, nor do they do any real marketing - they allow the brand to speak for itself. That sounds noble and all, but the reality is, they're more dedicated to selling their brand than they are making good beer. When it comes right down to it, John Maier has full control over the brewing process, but the Joyce's (Jack and his son Brett [not short for Brettanomyces]) decide which beers will go to market; in short, they decide what is worth selling. Anyway, my job focused on finding those mentions in the media and relaying that to others so they could leverage those mentions.
So what was so bad about Rogue? The way they treat their employees is absolute garbage. I can't remember all the shit I put up with that came directly from Jack (over the phone and through e-mails, mind you) but it was awful. I was commuting 45 miles to work and showed up 3 minutes late one day due to a wreck (I was normally 15-20 minutes early). Rather than confront me personally, Brett Joyce (whose desk is set up in the middle of the office so he can personally oversee everyone) sent an e-mail to another employee stating "[Insert her name], can you ask mattsesar why he was late today?". This would have been embarrassing enough, but he CC'd THE ENTIRE COMPANY. Everyone with a Rogue e-mail address. So her e-mail to me also CC'd everyone. I had to reply with my reason. Well, turns out that for Brett, 3 minutes was just too much and my reason (which he called an excuse) warranted a public apology and an explanation of the steps I'd take to prevent it from happening in the future. So I had to apologize to the entire company for being 3 minutes late. After that, my incident was placed in one of the binders I had to read so that new hires, from then through now and into the future, would all read about how mattsesar was 3 minutes late to work one day.
That's just one small example. Public humiliation was commonplace; the less time you'd spent there, the more you were subjected to it. Hazing is one thing, but this was outright harassment.
Another example was when I took the company van to deliver mail to the downtown pub. I was supposed to shadow one of the higher-ups, a woman who sorts Jack's e-mails for him. She's been there for decades so she's basically a queen. I showed up, started to take notes, and she asked me why I didn't have my clipboard with me. I was confused, told her I didn't know anything about a clipboard. She LOST HER SHIT and told me I was worthless, that I'd never survive there, because I didn't know about the clipboard. I explained that I was never told about the clipboard and never saw anything about it in any of the 10 or so binders I had to read. Her response: "That's the problem with you - you just assumed you didn't need to ask about it."
A few days later, I had an emergency with a family member (she had to be taken to the emergency room via ambulance and I was the closest one to her.) I got the phone call, told someone that I had an emergency and had to leave, and left at ~2:00 PM. I ended up getting there before the ambulance, but that's not important. Anyway, the next day I got another e-mail from Brett Joyce and a call from his father asking what the hell happened and demanded to know why I left work early. I told them it was a medical emergency, but that didn't satisfy them. I was told to write another letter of apology to the rest of the company - at which point I said "fuck you" to Brett and walked out.
I called Jack Joyce and told him exactly what I thought of his operation - that they make decent beer, but as a business, they're probably one of the worst I've ever seen. They can make money and grow a business, but they don't know how to operate a team. I told him thanks for the opportunity, but I wasn't willing to subject myself to daily harassment and abuse for a paycheck. This was the only time that Jack had anything remotely like respect for me. I think he isn't used to people standing up to him, so when someone did, it took him by surprise.
Anyway, I haven't bought a single bottle of Rogue since then. There are plenty of other breweries to choose from that offer better beer for better prices. I try to tell as many people as I can about Rogue because I find them so distasteful. If the Joyce's were to leave and John Maier were to take over, I think it'd be a different story, but as it stands now, those two ruin the company for me.
I'm open to questions, though I'm finishing my CS degree so I may be slow in responding. Ask, and I will reply as quickly as I can.
I guess it should come to a surprise to no one since they are known for their really poor employee treatment. But perhaps this will come to mind the next time you're at the beer section of your market and thinking of what bottle to purchase for a night of drinking.