Monday, December 31, 2018



This is interesting. Before the events of this year happened, I hadn't really written much in a long time. Not since I was on a show that I was actually getting paid to write on before getting bumped back down to a shitty position I had prior due to politics I had no hand in. In fact, if you want to measure where the passion for writing sort of fell off the tracks and I stopped with this blog, it's around that time that I had to deal with a situation of feeling like I was getting no where with this and just accepted my lot in life.

Do I love writing? Very much so. I think I'm somewhat decent at it as well. Sure, it's a minefield of grammatical errors, misspellings and run on sentences the like that would make an English teacher die, but guess what, English sort of sucks as a language to write and speak in. So whatever. I will continue to spew out my ideas on the form here. Especially since using the classic tools of pen and paper often leads me to feel like my hand is about to fall off with sheer pain.

That's just getting old. Back to the main focus here. 194. That is the amount of blog post I wrote this year. I'm impressed. While it's not the 500 plus that I did one year, it is amazing that for someone who has bottled up a lot of what I experience because I honestly have no idea who wants to hear it, that I have so much to say. And yet there's still a lot of topics that I haven't even jumped in to.

I like writing. At any given time I do have about 10 post open where I'm working on finishing them off. Yeah, I seem to just start a lot of projects at once. but hey, it's good to have the mind working at all times. And having so many open documents just means I'll scatterbrain myself just enough to get them done.

Anyhow, I have no idea if I want to ever attempt to write professionally again. That was some tough stuff and the rate of rejection was way too high. I did enjoy it though. I do feel like my time in the entertainment business is just forever behind me though. Retired is how I put it, but it's really that feeling that I spent 15 years at, I probably reached the highest I could get and it didn't work out for too long. So there you go.

That just means you'll be stuck with listening to all these stupid blog post or something.

Bring on 2019, I can't wait to complain about more shit. I guess.

Sunday, December 30, 2018



Last Saturday I went to visit my mother like any other day. Check if the bills are paid, teach her how to use technology and give her directions to whatever social gathering she would be going to with friends. Well, this time it was different.

I found her on the floor and unresponsive, carpet with her blood and her face with a good amount of it dried on. It took a moment of shaking and calling her name before she groggily responded, though still didn't make too much sense and I had no clue what had happened.

I called the paramedics and while she knew her name, birthday and who I was, had no clue what exactly happened. They got her up and took her to the local hospital and there began this week long process that, given the fortune that I have been given throughout the past year, I honestly shouldn't have been surprised one bit as to how we would be getting through to the finish line of 2018.

After what seemed like eternity in white walled, no window rooms and transported from medical ICU room to ICU to tackle heart and head issues, throughout which she would often just flat line for a brief second or two. Not enough to have the medical staff grab the defibrillators, hell, some of those moments she had her eyes wide awake looking at me, but enough to crash the machine before the heart beat came back like nothing happened.

They put in a temporary pacemaker and then the waiting continued. In that period I had plenty of time to just reflect on how this year was just really really rough. From dealing with a foreclosure battle on her home that lasted several months and felt like a plot out of one of those 80's movies where the kids are trying to save the local rec center, to the conclusion of that coming down to a very uncomfortable wire a few days before the auction.

Then there was all the animals I lost in this past year. When you feed stray cats, you get used to the turnstile sort of life some will have. I've been doing this for more than ten years and I thought I was toughened up throughout that time to handle loss. Add in the balance of being able to find plenty good homes, but man, between September and November, in what felt like a weekly situation, I found myself dealing with still mourning a death of the previous one and then getting lumped with having to dig a new grave. Some of the cats that passed away this year weren't even from the stray colony I handle. The ones I owned, who were up there in age like 11+ years, were starting to die off in an alarming and tragic way.

Those... yeah, those really affected me in a rough way.

All this on a backdrop of, well, I'm not one to really talk about what I'm going through. I usually keep that stuff in. Bartenders hold those secrets.. or something, but this year... man. This year a lot of friends that I have known for many years suddenly got me not shutting up about how utterly confused and how I was working though a lot through the beginning and middle of this year.

Back to my mother. After stabilizing her with the use of a temp pacemaker and coming to the conclusion that while she had internal bleeding in her head from the fall, that it wasn't progressing to the point where they had to intervene, they got her ready for a transport to her primary hospital. Kaiser Sunset.

Having so much of my time taken up at Kaiser Sunset this week was strange. That hospital has played a major role in the story of my life. For one, I was born there. I've almost died there several times now. The scars I carry all had Kaiser Sunset's seal stamped on them somehow. Honestly, at this point it would only be poetically fitting that when my time to ride into the Sunset comes, that Kaiser Sunset would take its part. Anything short of that and I'd be giving a stern talking to ol' Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Sitting bedside in the ccu center was just more time passing by. I'm not sure if its the detective comics i read growing up or the true crime podcasts I listen to, but I basically pieced out exactly how the situation went down based on clues. I mean, none of that really mattered now. They got her heart to stabilize and while she was still very much out of it, due to being on the floor for at least 8 hours before I found her and not taking her normal medication for other issues as well as her insulin, the next stage of this staggering week of shit I wasn't prepared for kicked in.

For one thing, for being the one who is power of attorney and decision maker from her living will, it basically fell on me to have a lot of choices I was not ready to make be made. Getting, for example, a paper on Christmas Eve about financial responsibility and signing away freely wasn't exactly what I asked for from Santa. Then it was a situation where they took my number wrong and so even contacting me and updating me felt like I was a few steps behind every next move and desperately playing catch up.

I wouldn't know when suddenly she was moved to another room and felt like I kept on having to play reactionary to the whole situation. One day it was heavily being told that she wouldn't need the pacemaker and that medication could be the option in helping her heart valves pump in the blood more consistently and then the next thing I'm told is that they're prepping her for surgery the next day to install a permanent one.

I'll chalk it up to just being shell shocked by the entire year and limping my way towards the end of it. But man, this has been a very rough week that will end a very rough year and I couldn't be more happy about it being done. Not that it's to say that "new year, new me" or whatever bullshit. But one thing is certain, I wouldn't have made it to this point now if I didn't keep that hope and bright spirit inside that tomorrow is another day and, well.. who knows what the tide will bring in.

Sitting with her in the latest of this series of tours of hospitals having her eat on her own, be it with some strain and able to talk to me in a voice that doesn't sound so force. It felt good.

All year when some really troubling shit was tossed at me, I did what I could to come out the other end. Yeah, I'm not giving the good times their proper dues. Career wise, it was great. I got to travel for work.. Hell, representing the company at Great American Beer Fest was amazing. On top of having a great year in terms of personal hobbies and finding that enjoyment both in writing and food creating again... 2018 wasn't able to touch that.

And sure, the Tardis and Harris-Holloway rooms were suppose to be ready to rent out in May, but that's construction. Delays are certain. Besides, both of which are getting those final touch ups and I start the new year with this determination that if 2018 didn't kill me, I could survive just about anything.

TL;DR = New Year, New ME!!!!1 W000000000000OOooooo

Saturday, December 29, 2018



Sure, I already posted this, but like most media outlets, the last week of the year is the time to recycle like you're saving the environment. So enjoy it again, you filthy animals.

Since you're in the sort of festive mood and well, I guess I'm posting this a day late on cashing in on that whole good will towards your fellow man "stay off the naughty list" angle, I figured that I would tell you about two organizations that I care about and find worth the tax deduction effort in giving if you're in the charity sort of mood. 

FIX NATION -  For more than a decade now this organization has been helping out those little furry friends and I have used them very, very very often throughout that entire time in helping homeless and stray cats in need. Wow. in reflection, I probably really owe them a lot more than what I have donated to them in the past when I do the spreadsheet on it.

What is it that they do? They offer free spay and neuter services for stray and feral cats. They train you in how to use humane traps and then they also loan those out so that you can capture, snip snip and return the cats to the same colonies. As trap-neuter-return actions is the best in keeping cat populations down and is the most humane for them as well. They also partner up with location adoption services so the ones that do look like they can be socialized do find homes.

Trap, neuter and return tactics provide a means to control the population but also gives those strays a lot better quality of life. And the old method of just removing them from an area created a situation where new cats just fill in the void.

They also offer low cost spaying and neuter services for your own pet cat and given they are doing about 100 operations a day, you can bet they're pretty proficient at it. Look, the company is just really great when it comes to handling cats. They even put up an alter for Dia de los Muertos at Hollywood Forever cemetery every year so that you can put your feline friend's name that passed away. Call me silly, but that just gets to me.

Yeah, I can't speak enough about how great of an organization it is and how lost I would be in my own 10+ year adventures helping out stray cat lives without their help. So consider donating to them. Until the end of the month your donation will be matched. So hey, even better of a reason.

The next organization is one that I have given to for many many years now. You probably heard the expression "Give till it hurts", well with this organization you can literally do just that! You can give until it's covered in painful welts. Hell, if you want to keep giving you can, up until it's throat shuts due to anaphylactic shock!

Heifer International is a Charitable organization that improves the lives of poor people around the world by giving them goats and cows and stuff, which they can milk, eat or cut open to keep warm inside like a tauntaun. One of their many animal charity drives involves setting up a Honey bee colony.

Stay with me here, What's so great about donating bees is that it scratches that itch on if you're good or evil satisfying both desires equally.

A.) You're paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the power of pollination and selling honey for a profit.
B.) You just paid $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by unleashing a swarm of angry bees on them.

Giving Bees is good for the world, but you can totally feel like an asshole while doing it. In fact, you can feel almost like a super villain. Each $30 bee contribution buys poor people 12,500 bees. Yes, I actually looked into it. Which is a pretty good amount of bees. Think of how much more annoying it is to deal with that surprise box than one of those glitter bombs!

Just think, we can forever end poverty in the world through the power of bees! Or, if you're evil, take comfort and rub your hands together at the idea of causing thousands of potentially fatal bee stings in the countries whose medical care systems are least qualified to treat allergic shock! Yes, for only 0.08 cents a day, you too can instill the fear of bees into a child who already had finding food and shelter along with fighting off sickness as things to worry about.

Give till it hurts.... them.

Friday, December 28, 2018



Let's get down to a shitty conversation. Kirkland brand toilet paper.


It's literally like sandpaper and you need to fold the fucker like 8 times over on top of each other to get the same thickness as one sheet of Charmin that costco has sitting right there next to their shitty toilet paper for only $3 more.

Your ass will appreciate it, and if you listen carefully, the sound of the next fart you crank out will whisper the words thank you.

On that note, you should also just buy flushable wet wipes. Your ass will thank you as well, because let's not mince words here, sometimes it's a mess to clean up or your business just wrecks you. Be kind to yourself, and especially to your ass.

I know this isn't the most prolific post, but it had to be said some time before the new year. Because while you're out there making all those new year new you resolutions, you should focus on your self care first. Namely that you're not hurting your own asshole with every wipe. That shit is just not good for you and you should not be going into 2019 with such negatively towards your own well being.

Thursday, December 27, 2018



In the history of years that I have bare witness to, 2018 was one for the records. Not the good kind of records either. The kind that you're wondering how the fuck things could have gone so bad and then suddenly it finds a way to get far far worse. This year was complete and utter shit and I suffered through it all in a state of PTSD over what was happening and what continued to happen in ways to kick me while I was down. More to the point it was never ending relentless in terms of how it just kept getting worse and worse.

From dealing with a five month long battle for the house I grew up in defending it against a foreclosure situation my father, dead of 4 years left, to barely just salvaging the home at the 11th hour a few days from public auction.

Then you have the slew of cat deaths in the colony that I have taken care of for over a decade now. A few of which were my personal animal pets. Indiana, who I saw born here and I held as he left this mortal coil... that shit just destroyed me. He was my ride or die little buddy who constantly loved me very much. Losing him just was a gut punch and I'm still not sure how I'm holding up.

Then you have the death of my idols. Bourdain, who I still haven't talked about on here because it's still something raw. An inspiration in how I cook, travel and see the world. Hell, even how I write. There is plenty to say about that and I honestly am still not there to say it.

Then you have the loss of a life that I thought I had already set up. My relationship of almost 10 years suddenly changed and not because of any of my doing. So the life I thought I had set up and was continuing suddenly got uprooted and completely changed. I had to deal with a huge and dramatic change to what I thought my life was going to be like and the hard right turn that the direction my life is now going is still something I'm trying to figure out. That lasted from almost the beginning of the year and I'm still working through that stuff.

2018... you sucked fucking ass. And I know if you look back at the history of these post, you'll see that I say similar stuff about most years, but this year has been far and away the worst thing to possibly happen to me in my lifetime. This has been the most times I questioned my own sanity and the lowest I have ever been through. All throughout, I have tried my best to keep my head above water, to think positive and to take the shit that was tossed at me with as much possible learning and living lessons I can.

That doesn't mean I valued the experience. I didn't. Not in the slightest. This has been some of the worst shit possible and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. No one should go through the pain and suffering I have gone through this year. That is not fair in the slightest and it's also just flat out something I don't think anyone should have to deal with.

Do I hope 2019 has more in store for me in terms of actually doing something positive? Yeah, but I'm sure that once the clock rolls to midnight, it's not going to be a new year new me sort of situation. There is work to be done, I have a bright future in the sense that I have an apartment building that is about to pay back all that I have put in and be something I am proud of. I have a promising career in pressuring my hobbies this year. Traveling is a must and now I have the means to do it. So you know what, fuck the 2018 horrors. I will make sure that 2019 is something I work at living the fullest to.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018



Costco rotisseries chicken is something magical. Also, you really haven't lived your best life unless you grabbed that sucker on the car ride home and ripped off a piece of chicken drum to eat on the road home. It's literally the best feeling in your life and unless you already chowed down on a hot dog or slice of pizza, is probably the only other option you should have of things in your mouth leaving a costco.

There's also something magical about the skin on the rotisserie chicken that can't be described by simple words. Woe be he who throws away the skin of the Rotiss', I say.

Look, for $5.99, this thing is a goddamn steal and it's a wonder I stop myself from buying it every time I go to Costco, for it has to be the best deal on a rotisserie chicken ever. And while eating that drum on the way home, I think the real pro move is to eat the rotisserie chicken as you wander the store. Yup, that just seems too perfect if you ask me.

Even better if you're doing that while wearing Costco pajamas. Look, this blog is going to be all about being comfortable at costco. Just grab that blanket, it's literally is like god himself hugging me 

 In fact, I consider Costco my church. Every new coupon book a new sermon. The latest one tells me that it's $10/lb on prime steaks. Praise be.

Also, can we just go over this again, the chicken bake is not great. A chicken bake is really just a Stromboli filled with Cesar dressing. A hot dogs is just a long hamburger and a hamburger at costco is a waste of time. Not because it's a flat hotdog, but because it's way overpriced for what it its. And one final thing, Costco mashed potatoes is seriously just one serving.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018



I mean, let's not beat around the bush and let's just get to the real nitty gritty. The Catholic church is the fucking worse, but you already knew that.

Like, fucking seriously, fuck them. Look, we are even factoring in shit like the good work they do, you know, like discouraging using condoms to prevent STDs and discriminating against LGBT groups. Oh man, they're just all in it for the luls.

I get it, I sound like an asshole atheist who is shitting on your style of faith, but look, we're not all that one prick who wears a fedora off the internet and gets you mildly annoyed. So, I mean, stop putting atheist at the same level as the catholic church. I mean, you're reading that shit above, right? I guess the atheist crime worse than all that is replacing god with cold reason instead of warm flesh and blood.

Also, Predator Priest would be a really good band name. so no one else take it while I get a bunch of guys together. Our first album will be called Rectory Prolapse.

But again, there's literally hundreds of dangerous pedophiles in.... fucking Pennsylvania? I mean, the theory now is maybe it's just Pennsylvania where all the bad ones go to. I'm pretty sure everywhere else is fine. Even with the stupid theory on why there's so many Catholic priest that are bad with the diddling being that they're required to be abstinent by the command of the Pope, that in itself could potentially attract other people with sexual problems to become priest. Protestant priest at least can fuck and are not ruled by the Pope, so no strange shit there.... riiiiiiiight.

I've come to the conclusion that the Catholic Church hasn't done a single good thing since promoting literacy in the dark ages. PROVE.ME.WRONG.

Or, wait. did they actually do the exact opposite to maintain a monopoly on interpreting the scripture? I can't remember anymore because the church seems to do nothing but the worst possible thing in every situation. 

Since you know, the whole concept of the people being able to read the bible was just an abhorrent concept to the catholic church. The bible was literally a book of magic.  Really sad given that the new testament was written in simple Koine Greek and not the lofty language of classical greek for a reason. It was meant to be something that the poor, the oppressed and the marginalized could easily access and not be exclusive for ultra wealthy clergy sitting in their gilded palaces. And yet here we are.

Just goes to show you that the Catholic church is literally a mafia since, like, forever.

On that note, enjoy Christmas services! 

Monday, December 24, 2018



It's Christmas Eve and you're probably wondering what you're doing with your life. Look, it's a wonderful one. Just enjoy. No wait, that's not where I was going to go with this. You're probably wondering what last minute gift you can give to some one. Or, if you're like me, you don't care about giving gifts or going into debt for the sake of kissing some ass.

But anyhow, perhaps you're looking for a way to get on Santa's nice list one final time. For you I have something that can accomplish all these things of enacting your evil ways while also being a patron saint. 


Yes, for only $30 you can unleash a wave of savage  honeybees on the less fortunate so that they can use them to create honey and sell. I mean, yeah, you can look at it as giving them the means to sustain themselves while also generating something that is better for the planet as well as increasing the shrinking number of bees in the world that pollinate and keep the eco system going round and round, but you can also look at it as simply dumping a ton of stingy assholes on the poor. Which is always an evil thing you shouldn't do if you're a kind soul, right?

The choice is pretty easy and clear, and if you give it to someone as a Christmas present, I'm pretty sure they'll be happy knowing that some family is getting stung hardcore, while also making a good living making and selling honey. See, it's a wonderful life after all.

Sunday, December 23, 2018



Today is the wonderful holiday of Festivus. A holiday created by Seinfeld writers based on their history of their fucked up family tradition around the holiday to air their grievances, test their strength... and well, ugh, I don't have it in me anymore.

Eight days before this fucking year is over and my airing of my biggest grievance is towards 2018. I thought, well, things were turning around. I got a wonderful bonus at work, my apartment building was finally on the way to get those last minute touch ups and I just fixed the toilet of my tenant... and then some medical situation happens and I spend all this weekend in the hospital.

Look 2018. You win. Please stop. Just... please. I ain't got it in me anymore. You fucking win. Just relent a little, will you?


Saturday, December 22, 2018



Seriously, don't fucking buy that eggnog you see on the shelf at the store. that's pure garbage you shouldn't even dare put near your mouth. Not when there's a much better way to get the true effect of eggnog by making it yourself you lazy fuck!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be insulting you, but it makes me wonder why people in this day and age aren't just making their own eggnog, it's so easy to do and it taste so much better than anything you can buy at the store.


  • 4 egg yolks
  • 1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
  • 1 pint whole milk
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 1 1/4 ounces bourbon
  • 1 1/4 ounces dark rum
  • 1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
  • 4 egg whites


In the bowl of a stand mixer beat together the egg yolks and 1/3 cup sugar until the yolks lighten in color and the sugar is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, bourbon, rum, and nutmeg and stir to combine.

Place the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Gently fold the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve.

Unless you're a goddamn communist, you better like Eggnog. I mean, if you're mexican you can prefer Rompope. Or, you know, just assume that Eggnog sounded liked the best idea until you come to the conclusion that you can just drink the whiskey out of the bottle. 

Speaking of which, I have several of the aged eggnogs I have made over the past years. Yes, years. and I plan on doing another big batch to age this year, but man, those smooth the fuck out so well that it's a crime to not just finish them all.

Friday, December 21, 2018



With it being the holiday season and the many times you'll be forced to interact with family, buying alcohol in bulk wouldn't be a bad investment. Luckily Costco has you covered. But it's easy to drop money on costco alcohol and not get the best stuff, so here's a list of all the Costco liquor and which ones are really good for their price point and which ones lack the quality that Costco is well known for in that Kirkland signature.

For example, Kirkland Bourbon is fine to mix but I just wouldn't drink it on the rocks. Then again, if you're going to buy bourbon to mix, unless the Kirkland signature is that much cheaper, just get a giant bottle of Evan Williams or the giant bottle of Bullet, that runs you about $32, it's smooth enough to drink on the rocks, but bland enough that you can mix it without feeling all that much guilty about losing something in the blend.

Another factor to come into play in your purchase is to see who is making it in any given year. It's the same mentality as those Trader Joe's "made by a brand name but sold cheaper not using brand naming" products. I've had the kirkland signature bourbon in the past and it wasn't all that great and then there's times that it's fantastic.

Sort of like the French Vodka, where the manufacturer changes over time. At one point it was just grey goose. Still, the vodka is pretty cheap and you should just buy it anyway because it's massive and will serve for so many purposes.

The Anejo tequilas are also really cheap and are pretty solid of a choice. I generally have too much rum that is brand name for my many tiki needs, so I seldom buy anything but a white bacardi to mess around with food science in my kitchen lab. But the spiced rum Kirkland brand, that one has showed up at parties when I want to bring the noise with mixers. The rum is real smooth by itself as a shot and does lean more in to the sweet side. Very heavily spiced with vanilla. So you're essentially making vanilla cokes with alcohol when you use it in a mixer.

The real MVP is the Kirkland XO Cognac. It's a fucking steal at the price point in California. Will it be the best cognac you ever tasted? Fuck no, but at half the price of comparable XO cognacs, it's a shit ton of a better deal. Take that to the family function and tell them where to shove it, yo.

Thursday, December 20, 2018



Well, it's clearly that time of year when everyone starts slowing their roll and is in fully Holiday cheer and binge watching.  First off, I'll fully admit it. I have never actually fully watched Elf because it looks dumb as all fucking hell.

Christmas spirit? Nope, but it's the truth and I mean, we got to have at least honesty with one another. This is me being real. Elf looked fucking stupid and I probably won't change my mind on that shit even if manic pixie Zoey is in it.

But let me guess what the most common answer to this is going to be "My favorite Christmas is Die Hard" oh wow. really? I wonder if Die Hard is now actually the most popular Christmas movie. I just google searched the best and most popular movies and it showed Die Hard right away. It's a very well made movie, that's very popular and isn't subtle at all about being Christmas time. So I guess there's that going for it.

Also, there was also the entire horror-christmas genre long before it, so it's not like it exactly broke ground on being a violent Christmas story by any means. But perhaps we should just take note that Gremlins is a way better Christmas movie than Die Hard. It involves a dead Santa, Snow White and the 7 Dwarves AND a fucking barbie car going at full fucking speed.

Die Hard only has 1 of those things. Also, the porn parody of Die Hard is called Guy Hard, it's also a holiday film if you really want to fulfill the whole experience this Christmas time. 

Lethal weapon and Die hard 2 are also good christmas movies as well that don't get the same attention as Die Hard because they both weren't as good as Die Hard. I mean, let's be real, Home Alone 2 is better than both of them. Though for some reason I will be watching all the Harry Potter films this Christmas while eating my mandated Jew friendly Chinese take out food this Christmas...

Yippie Kay Yay Harry Potter 

Look, this isn't a hot take anymore. This isn't something folks should say to try to shock one another and blow the minds off someone by making them think that an action film is their favorite movie. Whoa that's not about family or Santa at all. Yeah, we get it bro, you're fucking edgy as all hell. I like Die Hard as well, shit, I worked next door to the building everyone recognizes, but who gives a fuck if it's a christmas movie or not any more.

Next thing you'll be telling me is that The Nightmare Before Christmas is your favorite Halloween film. I mean, yeah, I guess it can be either a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.. and since Thanksgiving falls between those two, it's basically a Thanksgiving movie as well. Not to many of those around other than Addams Family Values. Besides, Nightmare does span all three holidays, making it tough for any other movie to cover you for three full months like that.

And yeah, Boyhood took 12 years to make and thus covers all of those holidays 12 times. Damn son, that's a lot of time to cover.

Maybe you should just keep it simple when having a favorite Christmas movie. Me? My favorite movie is the VHS tape that showed up on my doorstep which oddly enough shows me the exact moment of my death. Trippy, sure. But still not as horrific and devastating as the VHS tape that shows the exact moment of my conception.

Who the fuck is sending me these videos and more importantly, WHY?!

Wednesday, December 19, 2018



Clearly I'm fucking retarded and decided to make some more points about the word and use of Retard. But allow me to put my foot in my mouth some more because I'm clearly good at that. Besides, with all the drunken actions at holiday parties this time of year, it's pretty common to say something stupid that shocks folks you know for so long and didn't associate with being dumb.

So let's get to it. Look, it's not a great word to say. As someone who has worked with the intellectually disabled in the past, I know it can be very problematic, However, outside of those times working with them, I have heard several of those workers say that something is retarded, so it's not 100% stigmatized even in the communities that are close to it.

I just think that we have come to a point in life where it's an ultra-woke online social justice warrior thing where any insult based on intelligence or mental health is just not good and thus raged against by someone behind a monitor screen.

Besides, can we get back to the fact that Mongoloid used to be a medical term, that feels completely way worse than retarded as well as being racist. I guess mongoloid is more acceptable for strange reasons because it must refer to a person and can not refer to a situation. Maybe we should just refer to someone being stupid as calling them a philistine, that way no one could ever possibly get offended.

So hey, maybe the answer is to do an impression instead of calling them something, it looks a lot better on the transcript and nobody can prove you were offensive in a formal honorable rationale debate. Look at our President who does this on the regular.

What I'm trying to say is that it's not a very nice word to say, but then I look at Donald Trump and there's really no other word to describe him succinctly. Because morbidly obese sundowning rapist con man just doesn't have the same roll off the tongue as FUCKING RETARDED.

Maybe we should just stop using words all together. Ideas forced in to my mind from other people are VERY offensive. Please get the fuck out of my headspace, it's a safe space and NO MEANS NO! Maybe the biggest problem is the bad metaphors.

Also, I mean, let's just throw it out there again, don't say it to someone with development disabilities, it's very dehumanizing. Though, maybe we should also stop communicating to them with puppets as well. Just face the fact, you NOT saying the word retard is fine, but you're not above those who do use it because you are still for communicating with them with fucking puppets. I'm way out of my league here, but talking to people with puppets sounds even more dehumanizing.

There's really no word you strictly can't say because they're all just noises that mean nothing without our allowance for them to mean something and ergo anyone terminally opposed to this view reveals themselves as a fragile minded person who is unable to will themselves to unaffectedness and I don't believe we should shackle ourselves to merely out of consideration for those sorts as we often do. We are, after all, only as strong as our weakest links.

Sooooooooo, the consensus has been reached. Retard is cool again to use. Go on your merry way. Just try not to call a tard a tard, okay?

Tuesday, December 18, 2018



I'M MAD AS HELL AND well.. I don't remember why. Oh well, I guess it's just my nature. Let's all have some thoughts and prayers for my current state of unsureness. Look, this doesn't usually happen to me. I am a really smart and thoughtful person and forgetting something I am mad at.. well, that just seems unlike me in every possible way.

Then again, being mad may have gone out of style over the last couple of years. Perhaps we should just be disaffected or slightly numb to the whole thing. That seems like a better thing. No. Wait, I am mad and I should own it. Madness is not something i want to be know for but by golly, I'll be mad as hell and uh.. shit, I still can't remember.

Was it about something I read online? Probably. I read a lot of things online. Internet, so helpful, right?

No, probably not. Maybe it was something that happened to me today. Did anyone cut me off? No, I don't think that was the case.  I guess I'll just....

stay mad....

Forever and ever.

I'll always be angry.

That's my secret.

Monday, December 17, 2018



I'm sure that at this point in the Holiday season, you have already been to several festive parties and have mingled with the likes of your friends and families. Though by now I'm sure one thing is certain, you still don't know much of anything about who they really are or anything beyond the surface of the stupid pointless banter that most folks get into at a party.

We should change that. We should outright stop with the small talk. That shit is useless and pointless to no end and we should be diving deeper into the real heavy shit, because it's only when you know about someone more personally than how their day was, will we figure out how to communicated with one another on a different level and relate to whatever the hell it is that the person is actually going through.

Forget the superficial small talk bullshit. If you ask "how are you" to someone, you should fully expect a real sort of answer. Not some pleasantries that will just cut to a short pointless conversation. Look, here's some things you can ask of someone and still be okay without going to deep but actually looking like you give a fuck about their life and not just want to kill some time before someone you know shows up and you walk away.

Consider these as the starting point to a conversation with a stranger. Be it at a Holiday party or just in public when you're sitting near someone.

1. What's your story?
2. What absolutely excites you right now?
3. What's the most important thing I should know about you?
4. What human emotion do you fear the most?
5. If you could do anything you wanted tonight (anywhere, for any amount of money), what would you do and why?
6. If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
7. When's the last time you failed spectacularly at something?
8. What do you value more, intelligence or common sense?
9. What is the greatest lesson you have learned from one of your enemies?
10. If you did not sleep, how would you spend the extra eight hours a day?
11. If you had to pick the character from any book, movie, or TV show who is most similar to you, whom would you choose? Why?
12. How different is your job today from what you thought you would do growing up?

Take those out for a spin and see what you think about it.

Sunday, December 16, 2018



So it may seem that a lot of old things are triggering the next generation in ways that the previous one may have been okay with.You know what, that's perfectly normal. Remember that in the 50's it was just as well to treat colored folks less than equal. So when I see that a new generation decides that songs like The Little Mermaid's Kiss the Girl or a wave of saddened snow flakes takes offense to the very heavy rape culture that comes with Baby it's cold outside,I just have to say this...  That's perfectly fine to hold on to nostalgia and enjoy it for what it was, but realize that it probably wasn't okay back then and we just looked the other way because the boiling point hadn't happened yet.

For Baby it's cold outside, the boiling point that no, it's not okay to be at the mercy of judgement from friends, family or anyone else in your own life choices on who you spend the night with. Most of all, it's not okay for pressure to be the dictating force behind if you sleep with someone. We just love it nostalgically... and I've written about it already, so perhaps I'll just move to the next example.

Kiss the Girl. Look, clearly Ariel was all for the consent on this, so while we don't have to do it, the helpful aspect to this song would be  "Go on and kiss the girl.... if she looks like she is into it and a willing party in this, but know that at any point either party can decide that what is happening should probably stop and you have to respect such life choices" but then again, that isn't as catchy.

We should take not that women aren't just objects to do your actions upon. That is the heart of all this. While the assumption that the other party is interest with your intent, it's common sense back then that needs to be very much laid out clearly and more unquestionably with this situation - Does the girl want to be kissed? Which in itself is a very tricky question because what you read as one thing could be a very different message altogether.

Look, mistakes happen, but don't act like a prick if you go on and kiss the girl and she says you need to back the fuck off, mister. Oh yeah, and she sprays you with that mace straight into the eyes.

Most of all, it's not that this generation is more pussies or anything like that, it's just that they want it more openly laid out so that there isn't a miscommunication and that talking lobster/crab thing isn't giving you some fucked up advice. like, seriously, why is it talking and most of all is a goddamn lobster or a crab? Can anyone answer me that shit?

Go on and make an advancement on the girl.... but know that you may be rejected. And be okay with that. But I guess, also asking for permission doesn't give the air of confidence that you know what you are doing and you know what, that is the biggest difference between the generations. One was sure of themselves, another has crippling student loans and other life fuck ups that even having confidence in the basic of choices like making a move on someone you're rowing a boat with is tough man.

Let's not call them snowflakes, let's just assume that life is harsh enough on them already for making the "right choices" as everyone told them, so maybe they just feel like they got burned on that stove and are weary of touching it again. Ya know.

Saturday, December 15, 2018



Look, I constantly am singing the praise of Costco and this post will not be any different. Around the holidays, or, well, for that matter, at a lot of the time out of the year they have these popcorn variety packs.

It's the Popcornopolis Zebra popcorn and it's addicting as all fuck. They have a variety of flavors such as cheddar and then there's caramel  and one with a mixture of white, dark and milk chocolate. It's little triangle packets of a variety, though, sometimes I just wish they had the caramel corn and buttered popcorn in the tins without the cheese corn. I honestly don't want to eat popcorn that taste like cheetos.

Then again, if they have cheddar cheese popcorn then you can mix the cheese popcorn with the caramel popcorn and call it the lazy Chicago mix that some places charge you an arm and a leg for. Toss it into a 13 gallon plastic bag and then you get your used coffee grounds lay on top and welcome to Chicago, just stand in front of a cold breeze and it's like you're there. Oh, I guess you also need to get shot at, but that's neither here nor there.

Then again, the Chicago company that does this godawful popcorn mix got sued for the naming of it by a place in Minnesota. So LOL, fuck you Chicago. Anyhow,  let me transition from talking about the Zebra popcorn with some fine Haiku action.

I tried the Zebra.
I liked it, it was so good.
I ate the whole bag.

A Costco haiku Part 2 

Park in back and walk.
The journey to the hot dog.
A reward well earned.

I don't think I fully got into detail about the biggest situation at costco. the parking, it's a mess. But I will always recommend to park as far back as you possibly can to find the open spaces. People are lazy as fuck. They do not want to walk. But just think about the almost 1500 calories that a hot dog and slice of pizza will cost you. You need to do some walking now, wouldn't you agree?

Just park as far back as you can and you'll always be fine. Unless the folks driving the parking lot just are god awful at everything and will probably run shit over left and right.

Friday, December 14, 2018



Look, this story is old. I know, but I was going through a lot and this story just seems like something I have to comment on because of who I am as a person and my experience with religion getting forced down your throat. But hey, some stupid dumb fuck got shot in the ass and killed by some natives.
An American missionary killed on a remote Indian island by a tribe he was hoping to convert reportedly wrote a letter to his parents asking them not to be ‘mad at them or at God’ if he was killed.

John Allen Chau, 26, was reportedly shot dead in the anus with arrows when he arrived at North Sentinel Island.

A post from his family on his Instagram account said he was reported killed while “reaching out to members of the Sentinelese Tribe in the Andaman Islands.”

They said “words cannot express” the sadness they are experiencing, adding: “We forgive those reportedly responsible for his death”.

According to, Mr Chau wrote a letter to his parents about his hopes to convert the remote tribe.

“You guys might think I’m crazy in all this but I think it’s worth it to declare Jesus to these people,” he wrote in the letter, which was obtained by

He went on: “Please do not be angry at them or at God if I get killed.

“Rather please live your lives in obedience to whatever he has called you to and I’ll see you again when you pass through the veil.”

The letter was reportedly dated November 16 – one day after local fishermen said they first took Mr Chau to the island – and signed ‘Soli Deo gloria’.

Entries in Mr Chau’s journal, also obtained by the Daily Mail, documented his encounter with the tribe, who met him armed with bows and arrows.

He later reportedly wrote: ‘Well, I’ve been shot in the butt [sic] by the Sentinelese… By a kid probably about 10 or so years old, maybe a teenager, short compared to those who looked like adults.”

The Sentinelese people on the small forested island are known to resist contacts with outsiders, often attacking anyone who comes near.

Visits to the island are heavily restricted by the government and police and anthropologists are now trying to recover Mr Chau’s body.

I mean, it's not like the dude didn't see it coming. It's stated right there, if they kill me, because I'm a dumb ass who has to push my agenda on any and everyone, then by all means forgive them because I was a stupid idiot. Crystal clear, right as rain right there.

Good. I think someone who does this sort of shit needs to be taken out of the pool. Why do you have to force your religion on folks like this? They've shunned even advancements and technology, yet you feel the need to just tell them good word about Jesus? Fuck off you wank.

Here's hoping that he wrote someone saying "ow, my ass! Oh nooooo!" because this is just one silly way to go out. At least he died doing what he loved. Screaming his lord's name while having his asshole savaly savaged by savages. His tombstone should read; 

Here lies;
Shot in the butt by the Senegalese.
Rammed in the ass for Christ.

But when you also think about it, Millennials are killing the not getting stabbed to death in  the butt industry and it's shocking. Though, it really does sound like a novel way to get out of student loans when you think about it.

 Little fun fact for you. The Senegalese have also been known to perform female dominant beach orgies when confronted by outsides, as a way to show their.. you know, dominance. I'm just glad that their beautiful and erotic culture remains unsullied by this missionary and his lame ass beliefs. When you think about it, this is probably how Thanksgiving should have been all along.

Thursday, December 13, 2018



An odd thing I discovered the other day is that Incest is the fastest growing trend in porn these days and at first I thought that was just Esquire writing shit for the sake of writing shit, but then I read somewhere else that Millennials are watching more incest porn and I was like, what the fuck, man. First with the avocado toast and now with incest porn. What gives, bro? Fuck me, daddy! Oh wait, wrong phrasing to use.

But seriously. what is with all these literal mother fuckers? Why can't there be a pornhub for porn and an incesthub for incest. Making a fetish mainstream just stops making it a fetish. It's a strange enough one, I mean, I can't say it's a new one. there's plays written about this sort of complex of wanting to go back in where you came out. but I seriously wonder how many families had problems because of this trend. That's something to be more curious about, especially since the average make up of a home now is a bit different than it once was, where step brothers and sisters are much more common and perhaps the whole step parents thing factors in to feeling like it's once removed or something of that nature.

I do find it funny that of all the things Millennials have been blamed for, somehow a growth in incest porn just seems to top the other stuff by so many levels that it's pretty comical. I mean, some would say it's pretty Erotic as well, but it's also very gross and no one can deny that, even if you are all desperately waiting for an HBO show where you cheer on an aunt and nephew fucking each other and that had another main player in the whole thing be brother and sister without anything even removing them from straight up blood. So then maybe it's the media's fault. Damn you Game of Thrones.

Though, let's all be honest. Is anyone actually watching porn for the title, setting or even plotline? Probably just shitty algorithms just assuming the interest in the title and how just how hot the actors look when they're slamming their bodies together.  Or maybe Millennials want what the heart wants and what they just can't have;
Jobs, Healthcare, financial security and step mommy's thiccccccc ass.

Sometimes I sit and look at the stars outside, all hundred billion of them when the clouds aren't out and it's a clear night and I wonder what the porn on pay sites is like. I'm pretty sure it's the same shit only some moron just paid for it, but you know, these are the things I think about. Not about if you can fuck your sibling or step parent. That shit just seems like some introverts desire.

It's also not even just the youth. I mean, I guess we're just finally being represented by a President who shares the same desire as his young voters. Especially considering how many times he flat out wants to fuck his own daughter. But hey, anything to connect to the young voters, right?

This whole thing just makes me feel like we should pull the plug now. I know you read my valued opinions on this little boxed things made up of a series of tubes and information. But the experiment has clearly failed.

Just about time to buy some hustlers again, ask a few people where to send them Christmas cards and figure out what their phone numbers actually are, join a bowling league and forget that the internet thing ever actually happened. It may take some time, but I think we can all agree that this is a line crossed too far. This just has to end now. How much more of this circle can we actually go on? Do you remember back when PokemonGo came out and was brand new and Pokemon was the number one or two searched porn term for a short period of time according to some news article? Yeah, I think that's proof enough that we just need to walk away.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018



It's a common piece of knowledge that I both like drinking and beating children with switches. Okay, that came out a little wrong, but still, the festive Krampus day is one in which a goat like monster, who is bff with ol' Saint Nick, goes around and beats the shit out of bad boys and girls with a fucking switch. That holiday falls smack dab on the same day that we are celebrating the fact that congress passed something good and repealed the prohibition of alcohol.

This is a problem. More so now that the days past us by almost a week. Look, I have been busy, alright. Look, Krampus is something you know about because the use of him in a lot of media over the last few years should mean I don't have to explain it. Repeal day is history for our nation, because, while it did complicate things more with each state coming up with their own alcohol laws that even to this day seem a little wonky. Like the ABV cap a brewery can sell in Utah, vs what they can make and sell in other states. Or how for the longest time you could only buy alcohol by the case in Pennsylvania. Also, it had laws created for the consumption of alcohol to make it that there was an age restriction that prior to prohibition there was no real set standard of who you could serve.

Anyhow, you know the two things, but for me, I love them both. I love drinking and I love creepy shit during Christmas. So there you have it. What is a person like me suppose to do?  Pick one? Who am I, some parent picking their favorite child? This is all really complicated and well, I just want to celebrate alcohol and creepy shit, why you gotta put them both on the same day. I guess Krampus came first.

My typical reaction is to go heavy on one on odd years and heavy on the other the even years. It is a bit of a King Solomon option. Well, I guess not since he wanted to cut the baby in half vs just cutting it in 60/40 portions. So I guess that doesn't apply here. But yeah, I guess this year it was the even year, so I did the drinking.

What did I do? I went to all the spots that had $1 Old Fashioned's and got myself a little buzz going. I still hope to one day actually make it to Austria for some serious Krampus celebrating in the streets even if it'll be cold as fuck. I guess I'll plan that for the next two odd years or something.

But how about we just combine the two and drunkenly beat chil.... okay, that is going nowhere and probably not worth the effort of defending bad comedy. But you get what I mean, the two don't seem to go hand in hand because who the fuck wants to get drunk and see a giant person in a costume that looks like a demon coming at you. Seriously some scary shit in itself, let alone on some alcohol.

No idea how the two can just work together better, which is odd given the nature of both, but whatever.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018



Honestly, this isn't even a blog post I plan on doing much writing in. This is essentially is a suicide bombing of your mind because it's Christmas time and I'd get no more better joy than to having this song play and torture you with its infectious beat and annoying sound that your holiday season is just ruined.

Merry Christmas, You filthy animals!

Seriously, fuck that song. I sweat it should be considered a war crime to play that in a department store as you're shopping. What the fuck!? UGH! Fuck you Target.

Monday, December 10, 2018



Look, I get it, Jim was really good at mugging at the camera a lot, but in general, that guy really kinda sucked. Oh, Now you think I'm just pressing the button to stir shit up, I know. But look at the fact and beyond everything else and you'll see that the guy was really a giant piece of shit.

Don't believe me? Let's go down the list. He constantly pranked and outright tortured those he calls his friends in the office. And while I realize it's funny because he's pranking the people who we all consider annoying, it's still a very bold and striking move that would land anyone in the HR office with some strict warnings, if not down right getting fired for those actions.

Then he was a goddamn terrible boyfriend and husband. He broke up with Katy on the boat, and was a massive piece of shit to Karen. Not to mention he didn't even go to Pam's art show and straight up convinced her to drop out of Art school to marry him. All, you know, before just moving to Philadelphia right after Pam has their second child. That's kind of a dick move there, Bro.

Look, I know I suffer from it a lot, so I can attest, he is extremely passive-aggressive and yeah, I know it's kind of a dick thing to do, so I'm not going to make excuses for me, but man, what a passive-aggressive asshole Jim seems to be. He is also a bit of a lazy sack of shit that seems fail at everything he does.

Then he's really bad with money and his finances. He invested his family's savings in some stupid vanity job and he straight up bought a house without consulting his wife at all. Is it any wonder that Pam is all fucked up? The guy, while having a cute smile and being sweet is one of those asshole pricks who you have no problem calling a dick.

He also is completely awful when it comes to Halloween costumes. He constantly has the worst costume of the entire office staff. At some point someone would have just flat out called him a fucker if he kept having such low motivation at anything like costumes again.

That's another thing. What the fuck does Jim even like to do other than pranks and pining for Pam? He had no hobbies I could ever figure out. He never wanted to go out, even with his girlfriends. He just lives in this state of constant disdain, except for the end of the show when he wants to start the odd "sports job" and suddenly excited about it because the writers needed to have him want to move away for some reason.

Not like his word is worth anything either, he promised a job to Darryl and totally forgot about it until drunkenly threatened. Talk about not even being good for your word, you piece of shit Jim.

I especially enjoyed it when Jim and Pam went to Roy's wedding at the end of the show and were freaked out by how much he succeeded in life. They wasted away at the shitty paper company content in their love while possibly shirking career and professional advancement. Then the passion faded into complacency, but they still could feel superior in being the perfect and ordained match for each other compared to their peers.

But Roy is there to show them that with his big house and great relationship and success that what Jim and Pam had isn't something special or unique, and all the cultivation served only to distract from building a better life. I'm pretty sure that if they did an office "Where are they now?" segment, Jim and Pam would have gone through a very bitter divorce a few years ago and Jim would not be a huge Mens Rights Advocate.

What? Don't believe me? Look at how much of a monster he was to his girlfriends. Purse saleswoman was just a tool to make Pam jealous and when he realize that wasn't working he instantly dropped her in the most coldest way possible. Karen was the rebound girlfriend, simply a replacement for Pam. The second he had to put in any effort in to the relationship, he began to sabotage it so badly. then broke up with her and within hours asked Pam on a date.

I mean, the show likes to present Michael as some huge loser in relationships, but at least he wasn't a fucking monster that fed on human suffering and sacrificed women to the Alter of Pam.

If there's anyone you should look up to in the Office, it's no one else other than Creed. He constantly stole from work, was very fluid sexually as he mentioned that he most likely had sex with a few men. And always did drugs and managed to scam a corporation into paying him despite not actually doing any real work. Not to mention he plays guitar and sings. Oh, and he may have murdered people. Who knows. Still a shit ton better than being anything remotely close to someone like Jim.

Sunday, December 9, 2018



Look, I'm the fun police. You kids know it's past 9pm and the city park is now closed. You read the sign when you walked in here. Don't act like you didn't have enough warning that the park would be closed at 9pm regardless if there's any means to "close" up this park. Yeah, it may not have any walls or fences, because it's an open field park, but you know it's now closed!

No, I don't care if it's still light out. Closed is closed. That's the meaning of closed. Do you want that we change the meaning of the word closed just so you can continue playing? Now pack in your shit you little bastards, Hey, I saw that! Now you gotta leave all the cans behind. The city will come out tomorrow and clean it up for you. Party's over, you little shits. Let's not turn this park curfew into a ticket that you have to show up to court for. I bet your parents wouldn't want that - Oh, what? You're 34? I'm sure they'll especially not care for that then.

Do you not realize that this park is for gay buttsex and heroin use after 9pm. The curfew is the curfew for a reason. You wouldn't want to be exposed to the horrors that is homosexual parading of sexuality, would you? Take yourself and your kids home at once.

And no, you can't just go hang out with the hobos near that burning trash can over under the bridge by the body of water in this park. I don't know how it got here either, believe me, we're in a landlocked area. How or why there's a body of water in this park is beyond me. But those hobos are clearly dangerous and you may think I'm the fun police, but there's no policing fun when you're robbed of the four bucks in your pocket so that a hobo can go buy some cheap hooch and drink it out of  a paper bag. 

.So for the safety of yourself and the fun that you can have tomorrow, keep it moving people. Don't worry, that BBQ grill will put itself out. But hot coals go in the metal bin, come on now. I may be the fun police, but I know a thing or two about simple common curtsy.

Saturday, December 8, 2018



As I woke up at dawn to get on the road and get up to my next list of things to do, I drove out of Ramona, this small town in the middle of no where felt a little romantic. Could it have been the wedding I was just at the night before filling my mind with such ideas of romanticizing this small time, at your own pace town? I could see the dawn mist hover around the mountains around me and the roads were still kissed with the mist of the night's rain.

I kept hearing that this town was the capital of roaming wild Turkey's. I just thought they meant that there was a lot of consumption of Wild Turkey in the place, which I would have easily believed without any proof needed. But they had a giant pin up mural of Ms. Turkey who was riding on one with a vintage look. But I finally believed these statements when I was driving out of town in the early hours with the sun just rising when I saw a group of about 20 Turkey's just walking along the highway.

I got into the small few block town not to soon after that and it was quiet. Not a soul to see, which just added a bit more romance to the whole thing. But in that moment I then remembered the past two days I spent here and how backwards as fuck it was and booked it the fuck out of dodge.

Let's back up here. On Friday when I got into town, the small "Turkey Inn" seemed like the go to bar to go. Some place all the locals drink.. and fight in. Walking in, yeah, pretty much assured that. There was a picture of our President Trump hanging right there behind the bar. Not to abnormal, since he is our President. But it was one of him not taken at the white house, nope, it was from his time on the Apprentice.

They jumped on this wagon long before anyone else, clearly. And I guess I shouldn't be surprised. While California has a lot of liberal and democratic swinging areas, it does have a great big inland make up of hard red republicans. This area is sure as hell one of them. On the tv's was playing two feeds of Fox news, George Bush Sr. had just passed away and sure as shit we were going to hear about it as much as possible. I swear the bar had a different attitude that one of their finest had fallen. It made drinking the jack and coke, which oddly enough, they didn't have Jack Daniels, so it was Jim and coke, I guess, still made drinking that stiff drink poured by the pint sized waitress even more important.

Oh how about the fact that there's like, literally, all dirt roads in Ramona. How about begging ol' Trump for some money for some infrastructure. Anyhow, the place was the type of town where someone gets murdered and everyone just sort of glosses it over and tells you to best forget about it and keep going on with your day or else there's going to be trouble. The usual Saturday night special sort of norm.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just sharing an experience. Sleepy towns are often nice to look at and be in for a few hours to a day, but anymore and the locals get restless and just act like white blood cels attacking even any good foreign object in their body. So yeah, run. RUN! HOLY SHIT, THEY GOT THE TORCHES AND PITCH FORKS, RUNNNNNNNN!!!!

Friday, December 7, 2018



Hi there, you know me. It's your average guy who ruins everything by pointing out the obvious reality that, well, that shit was probably bad, but because it's so rooted in your nostalgia that you never really noticed or questioned how bad it actually was. You know, it's what keeps Civil War Confederate statues standing and racism alive and well in America.

Just dropping the annual reminder that the timeless Christmas song Baby it's cold outside is pretty fucking rapey. Yeah, it's also really nostalgic and I often play it a dozen times during this Holiday season, but let's just accept that it's fucking creepy as all hell and in a day of #Metoo and #Timesup, folks are going to be upset that you point out that the song is basically some creepy as fuck dude trying to get a lady friend to stay and Netflix and Chill while she goes through the list of excuses, as one probably had to do to be polite in turning down such advances without ending up with a slit through and the bottom of a lake. But you know what, she's basically saying "NO, NO nOOOOOOOOooOo  fucking NOOOO, OOOKay, fuck it. If it takes 2 minutes of being unsatisfied by your stupid needs then fine!"

The sentiment is still the same that she tries to use every fucking excuse as to why she can't stay and his only fucking reason and rationale to her staying and bumping uglies is that it's goddamn cold outside. Hey asshole, lend her a jacket? Anyhow. Yeah, it's pretty rapey. It's fucking rapey as all hell and man, if it didn't have that mellow singing and nice Christmas tones, you'll just realize the fact that it's goddamn wrong and someone should have said something back then - only, those vintage values clearly were all about not giving a fuck about what the woman wanted.

Yet, as bad as it may seem, there's one way you can make it even fucking worse. How, you ask? Let me just show you...

Who's fucking bright idea was it to just say  "Man, this song is getting a lot of shit from those politically correct folks who think that a woman's inability to get out of an uncomfortable sexual predator situation seems to ruin our Christmas music, I know, LET'S ADD CHILDREN!" Cause, you know, adding children basically means that they can't be asking for sex cause they don't know what that even is, EL OH EL.

"But Javier, what about Santa Baby or I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause?"  A.) I'm Jewish, Schmuck! B.) Both those songs have the female clearly giving consent. So fuck off. Just realize that the song has its flaws. It's as if you were defending a song about hanging minorities because it has a catchy beat. Look, listen it, enjoy it, but perhaps you should be reminded that Baby it's cold outside is rapey. Embrace it. Know it. Just deal with the reality of it.

Thursday, December 6, 2018



Okay, I know this may be an awkward conversation, but we should have. And well, it's a long time coming, but we have to tackle the R word as best as we can. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  Regeneration. No, I'm not talking about the controversial Doctor Who process where a million man babies complain about the swapping gender of a two hearted alien.

I'm talking about the word Retard. 

Oh fuck. I went there. I said it. BAM!  Can't unring that bell. It happened. I typed it. So now I guess it's time to figure out why it's a taboo word these days. Yes, In one small article from a satire blog with occasional serious topics tackles one of the most dividing and triggering words of the modern day.

Let's get to the bottom of it - why is it okay or not okay to say that something is retarded or call someone a retard when they are being a stupid fat head. I can't figure it out exactly myself, but I don't want to upset anyone... well, more so than I already have by typing the above text already.

Again, can't unring that bell. But the way I understand it, it's that it's just not okay anymore if someone who can hear you saying it has a retarded friend or relative. Otherwise, Maybe okay?  Okay, maybe it's probably not OK, but I say it a lot so I don't know, I don't have the strength of my convictions at all on this subject matter.

I mean, at least I didn't go about asking if it's okay to laugh at the commercials for the special olymp.... oh fuck, I'm not even going to go there. Let's just call this whole blog post a wash. I'm sure this will prevent me from viable jobs in the future. Future self me, I'm sorry. Future self employers, this isn't really a proper representation of myself. I'm just going through some things. It's really retarded on how bad my luck has been lately... Oh fuck, I did it again.

At least I didn't suggest betting on them.

Welp, I'm going to hell.

Look, I generally don't have the confidence in my own abilities to arbitrate this sort of shit of a mine field of an issue, but it's a bit of a question on how far we will go as a society. Maybe if we just soften the sting of it a little and be a bit more inclusive and caring when dishing out such words, like, what if we just tried saying Retard-Americans or People of Retardation? I mean, that has to have some sort of sensitivity towards it that folks can't fault you for trying to tackle it, right?

I'm just not sure how retard is any less offensive or insulting than saying someone is an idiot or a buffoon. Shit, the best comparison I have to offer is Mongoloid.

I'm just trying to do my best to figure out why retard is so powerful and why you're not supposed to call someone acting like a retard in public, a retard. But I mean, it just gets yelled out a lot on Xbox live, that and how much my mother sleeps around, so maybe I'm just confused. 

I'm pretty sure that when I'm older, I'll basically be the old person who is insulting people's sensibilities because I'll be saying words like retard long after it is politically correct or socially acceptable to say. It would be like when you talk to an older person now and they say something like Chinaman or black man.. I just see it as I come from a long line of retards and I'm extremely proud of it. Like hell am I going to disenfranchise myself like that.

From what I can tell, Moron, Imbecile, idiot all had a specific clinical meaning for awhile, I don't think they use those anymore in Doctor talk, but you can see where I'm getting to, That even when they changed the word to retard, from there, it branches off into a dozen different alternatives, "cognitively impaired", "developmentally delayed" "exceptional", "english". etc. etc. You get what I'm saying, so saying a blanket Retard as an insult, I guess is the biggest issue. That it's being used as an insult.

Perhaps it's just a case that retard may be one of those words that you either have to reign it in or just go full tits up ahead on. Just have to make sure you use it with just enough gravitas and I mean, realize that if you're using it in extremely high volumes in a crowded restaurant, no matter who you're with, you're probably still going to get some looks for saying it.

Can I just end this discussion with the fact that the word was used in the major motion picture Godzilla featuring Ferris Bueller, so perhaps we should stop being so retarded about this whole situation. What? 1998 words aren't good for us anymore? IT WAS ONLY TWENTY YEARS AGO, YOU RETAR....

Wednesday, December 5, 2018



Let's face the harsh reality of things right now - you love buying shit off Amazon, it's dirt cheap and you get it shipped to you within a  few days and hell, they make great shows. But in reality, it's really a shitty company. It pays terribly and it gets a shit ton of handouts and welfare that you folks complain that minorities abuse from our tax dollars. But hey, free prime shipping!

First we have to start off with Jeff Fucking Bezos. He is basically the Lex Luther of super villains and we all just can't grasp that yet. If you listen to the generic boiler plate bullshit spouted off about him, he sees himself as the least important person in the company and he sees himself at the bottom of the rank of the company. But it's total bullshit because guess who is swimming in the cash pool at the end of the day. The whole concept of the inverted pyramid thing that he's on the bottom of in the Amazon fulfillment center is just some way to make the workers feel like they aren't just tiny cogs in a giant machine that will soon be replaced by automated workers.

Your average fulfillment center is filled with 1,500-2,000 full time workers. Stowing and picking and packing and bubble wrapping your shitty orders one by one for thousands of orders daily. Of course they're going to try to sell you on this fact that you are special or else you'd probably kill yourself due to seeing how insignificant your place is in that world.

Workers are pushed for time to fulfill an order and the time rate is set by the managers so that there is far more productivity than just laying about and being lazy. It's a fucking mess and you may as well just be watching a new Pharaoh situation popping up. Every time you place an order, which I'm not saying not to. I'm just exposing how the sausage is made, workers have to rush to get that shit fulfilled quickly or they realize how disposable they actually are.

And disposable they are. Workers are seen by middle management as just expandable in every possible way - Even though they're the important bedrock of the whole thing, they can be tossed aside pretty quickly and the concern for their well being is laughable. Boxes fall on people's head all the time, carpal tunnel sets in and people blow their backs out very frequently.  When all that shit happens it's even more sad that worker's compensation claims just get tossed aside quickly while efforts to fix the safety issues get ignored.

They also get a lot of hand outs from the government and huge bids by the cities they set up in with promises of lots of jobs just get the same $15 min. wage, which for a lot of folks still isn't enough to survive given that cost of living and wage gap is still a major fucking issue. But that's not Amazon's fault, and increasing the pay will ultimately make things cost more. I mean, let's not even address how much bootleg and knock off shit ends up on Amazon sold as real shit.

Look, I'm not saying you should stop ordering from Amazon. Shit, I have a prime membership and tonight I'm happy to see Marvelous Mrs. Maisel return, but I'm just saying that we should be more mindful of what is actually happening to the jobs, and how we shop because we're going down a slippery slope. One we were worried about with Walmart, and for good reason, but Amazon is a pretty pink bow on an otherwise same pile of employee misery shit sandwich and we should be aware how far we're crossing it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018



So whenever I go into Costco there's some folks trying to sell you on shit that you don't need. I get pretty irritated with the DirecTV guy asking every goddamn time I go in to shop "Hey, you want to heat what we got going on today?" No. You're trying to sling cable that's what you got going on. Be upfront about it. Someone runs into them the first time and they'll think they're going to talk about something Costco has going on. Nope! It's just a goddamn cold approach trying to sale cable. They just need to say something like "Can we talk to you about what DirecTV is offering?" and I'll be a lot better about it.

And I'm sure you'll tell me that they're wearing a DirecTV shirt and standing near a kiosk, but often they aren't and often they're hanging out near the other stack of things and it's just strange and I wonder that for a place I pay membership cost and have to deal with folks looking at my sales receipt every fucking time I leave the store, why do I have to put up with the bullshit of getting ads thrown in my face? Like, I pay for Netflix to not get ads. I pay for other shit to not get ads. Is my membership not good enough now?

These are the things I think about. Yeah, I probably have way too much time on my hands. But also in the first 10 feet of Costco is where you see all the newest and most seasonal shit that you probably need or really, don't need but want because hey, it sounds like it could be useful in the given situation of the current season you are in. I appreciate that. Also that giant bear area was fun for a few months before you got the crack down on folks just leaving them everywhere. Also, who the fuck buys a giant bear? That just seemed odd to me.  I appreciated the worthless sense of consumerism in it, but then again I wondered more to myself... Why?!

I mean, it has been a while since I did a costco post, you realize. So I guess it was only fitting to do one before the Holiday hits and the place is a fucking madhouse even more so than usual. I do hope the seafood road show is back this year. I do ever so love buying fresh seafood.

Monday, December 3, 2018



Pretend I'm your teacher in 4th grade who just doesn't feel like they're up to teaching you shit today and so they wheel in this giant tv cart and put on a movie to kill the time until the bell rings.

Enjoy this.


Okay, go away now.

Sunday, December 2, 2018



You don't have to make a huge deal about finally calling it a night and going home. Nope, the party last needs you making some grand show for 20 minutes walking around. You can, and just remember this, leave without saying goodbye to anyone.

It's not rude, it's just an Irish goodbye and it's perfectly normal and accepted because again, NO ONE CARES THAT YOU'RE LEAVING.

Look, don't get me wrong, everyone enjoyed your company and your presence at the party was very much noticed and a factor in how cool it was, but there's no reason to let that shit go to your head. You aren't the life of it. You're just a wheel in the cog of it all, taking you out may not fully stop this train from going on, so you can just bounce out if you really want to leave. 

At one point in my life I wanted to make sure that the host knew I appreciated the invite and to secure getting an invite to the next gathering, but the whole idea is simply this - if you were appreciated there, they'll ask you back no matter what. If they don't, then they don't. Move on, homie. You saying your goodbyes can often distract more than it can be a sign of appreciation.

Being a host is also difficult enough as it is, if you have to be working the door and walking folks and hand holding them through it all. You're a big person and if you decide to leave, half the time a goodbye is just a means to get the attention and it leads to fucking never ending conversation. So yeah, it's often better to just slip out the back. The fact that you won't stretch out a goodbye is great in itself.

Look, there's so many reasons to do it and so little reasons NOT to do it. Come on, tell me why you shouldn't just Irish goodbye? I mean, the whole "it's rude" thing isn't really justified as it's very much more of a rude thing to derail the whole way things are going. So, yeah... just Irish goodbye.

that's it. It's Sunday, I'm feeling lazy.

Saturday, December 1, 2018



What would Calvin and Hobbes be in 2018? Just think about it for a second.  Calvin would probably be addicted to Fortnite and internet porn. Hobbes would just be some sort of Japanese phone app where you raise a tiger adn teach it how to date and increase its bust size.

Yeah, sad, but very much true. It was a different time back then. Kids actually went outside and played instead of just being glued to their phones. You know by now, Calvin has been banned from every Minecraft server known possible and his vocab is all about telling other's how fat their mother is. Wait, the more I think about it, he's probably on an incel server so Susie can't join in. He's one of those incel's that totally goes to comic con and rides a suitcase that has a motor in it.

Then again, Calvin's perception of Hobbes would be medicated into oblivion in this day and age. I mean, okay, I'm being mean. I guess this post should have some rules to it, though, that would go against everything Calvinball stands for.

Look, all I'm saying is that even medicated Calvin is okay. You realize that while you may be sad about your childhood being ruined, those pills are the reason why a 31 year old Calvin isn't going "fucking BULLSSSSSHIIIIIIITTTT!" at management in his job, walking uot and then dying of fentanyl over the weekend.

Yeah, this got pretty dark pretty fast. Know why? Because I grew up on Calvin and Hobbes and that is what happens to you. The comic had some dark twist to it. Besides, at least Watterson was smart with one thing and famously was against monetizing his creation and so a bunch of people ended up making money off of it with bootleg stuff instead. Also, this was a time when nobody actually remembers that social satire or the use of symbolism was done in a good way.

In reality, this was just another way to say "damn kids these days, GET OFF MY LAWN!" with some comedy. You fell for it. Congrats. Or should I say, thanks. You just read all my dribble and yet you're still here. Maybe you enjoyed it ? Maybe you just were bored out of your mind. Who the fuck knows. I just have to remember that kids still play outside or something.

Though perhaps some kids could post in here a response to verify that. I'm just not sure.