Sunday, December 30, 2007

Year Ending Media Circle Jerking Time

Year Ending Media Circle Jerking Time

If there's a single most valuable commodity in the entertainment industry is positive hype. You could film 22 minutes of an old man sleeping in a recliner and still make a smash hit TV series if your commercials are good and you get some critics to rave about it. The secret of this is that positive hype is actually reciprocal. A critic who raves about NBC's new sleeper comedy hit "Immobile Box Full of Crayons" will actually receive publicity just by getting quoted in TV and print promos. Do it enough and he'll find himself getting asked to make guest appearances on morning news shows, drooling incoherently over the latest incoherent drool to come out of Burbank. Before he knows it this will lead to having a job writing script treatments for one of the network sweatshops.

It isn't just TV either; the music, movie and especially gaming industry all survive and prosper in part thanks to the efforts and adoration of the press. So I figure I better get in on this dog and pony show. For far too long I remained aloof from this sort of rat race. I've decided instead to tear down all of the things that I wasn't talented - or whatever the opposite of lazy is - enough to accomplish myself. That era is coming to an end. I'm hitching my wagon for that wild ride to super stardom and I intend to spend the entirety of this update heaping praise on everything from Danny Bonaduce to Hannah Montana.

Since I've been neglecting these duties for so long, I hereby authorize any media outlet to apply the quotes in this article to their movie, music, book, game, or TV show. I will leave them intentionally vague so they should suit your purposes well. The only distinction I will make is to separate them by the type of media they should apply to. Don't worry! If you find a quote in the TV section that you would like to use on the jacket of an Oprah book club novel about a transvestite surviving breast cancer, feel free. I aim to please.


"[Film Title] is a tour de force unparalleled in our time. Even eight thousand years from now the hyper-evolved future humans will look back on [Film Title] and wonder how their primitive forebears created such a masterwork."

"It's a good thing tickets to this movie are only nine bucks where I live, because I would be willing to kill children indiscriminately just to see the first ten minutes again."

"Emotionally wrenching, haunting, and hilarious. Watching this movie is like living the entirety of your life, only with more stunning CGI effects and the incomparable Ben Affleck."

"The ultimate date movie! This film doesn't just get you laid; it actually makes tender love to you on the sticky floor of the theater."

"A triumph of the human spirit over our robotic oppressors."

"Will Smith is the greatest action hero alive today. His intricately crafted "Aw Hell Naw" takes a keen mind to unravel, and you will be thrilled the whole way!"

"[Director's Name] has done it again with [Film Title]. I haven't loved the medium this much since I mistook a pile of film reels in a dark projection room for a coiled prostitute."

"[Film Title] helped me realize why America is so great and the terrorists will never win. They just hate us for our freedom."

"Many simpletons would mistake [Film Title] for more elitist art house crap that makes about as much sense as installing break lights on a bowling ball, but the truth is it's a journey of the imagination through a surreal dreamscape that speaks directly to the existential soul that unites us all in our collective triumphs and tribulations."

"Who knew that Ed Asner had the voice of a songbird?! Newsflash: he does, and it's a falsetto that will make you weak in the joints."


"Forget oxygen, forget water, [Book Title] is all you'll need to survive this year."

"[Book Title] is the best historical fiction about Abraham Lincoln killing Julius Caesar that I have ever read. It's even better than 'Ides of the South: How Lincoln Burned Rome'."

"A clone made from the recombinant DNA of William Shakespeare and James Joyce could not write a more thought provoking book on maintenance of the Toyota Camry 95-99 than [Author's Name]."

"[Author's Name]'s witty observations serve the more serious tone of the rest of the material quite well and help to keep the reader riveted to the page-turning studies of blood diseases in livestock."

"I never knew just how much [Loose Political Alliance] hated America until [Author's Name] managed to clear things up with several anecdotes, a few facts taken out of context, and thousands of baseless accusations. The most amazing part was all of the exhaustive research that the author selectively quoted to emphasize the correctness of his viewpoint."

TV Shows

"If you have one ounce of love for the smash hit series 'Fish Police' in your marrow, then you'll share my adoration for [Show Title]."

"Get ready to ice up your funny bone, because [Show Title] is going to give it a serious workout! Who could have guessed that real life crime scene photos could be so hilarious?"

"[Network Name] has a hit on their hands with [Show Title]. This original and biting commentary on the social interactions of three male and three female friends is sure to leave America in the best kind of stitches. My favorite character is [ditzy blond], will her antics ever cease?!"

"[Show Title] proves that reality TV still has some life left in it. I was amazed with the attention to detail during the Revolutionary War segment where they were forced to drink vintage British tea out of a boiled hog uterus."

"[Show Title] is an engrossing drama of a genius and complexity not seen since Fox's powerhouse programming duo 'Farts Across America' and 'Ass Helicopter'."

"[Lead Actress] makes a stunning debut as the titular character in [Show Title]. It's heartwarming to know that a sassy and incredibly attractive single mom with a mysteriously huge apartment and vague parental duties can still get by in this crazy workaday world we live in."


"I enjoy listening to songs about things that happen to people that wear cowboy hats and [Yokel's Album Title] is an example of the best the genre has to offer. Packed to the ten-gallon brim with twangy homespun tales told in halting song form, this compilation of greatest hits is just what the only doctor in town ordered."

"In the overcrowded genre of barely-legal gyrating female pop stars who sing childishly about their shallow relationships, [Artist's Name] really distinguishes herself by wearing the shortest and tightest hot pants in the industry."

"Hip-hop has a new hero, and his name is [Artist's Name]! With unassailable street cred and more ice on his body than a Cro-Magnon man frozen in a glacier [Artist's Name]'s new album [Album Title] is sure to please."

"Whoever claims rock is dead hasn't listened to [Album Title], the latest release from numetal thrashers [Artist's Name]. This blazing mix of techno, rap, and rock fuses Baltimora with Biz Markie and proves that their styles should have been married long ago."

Video Games

"I have not ejaculated this much playing a game since an Operation Wolf stand up overturned onto my groin."

"The [latest graphical buzz feature] in this game is so intense that it not only rendered me sterile, it rendered my unborn grandchildren sterile."

"[Game Title] combines the best elements of 'Pool of Radiance' and 'Ken's Labyrinth' to create a game that's much more than the sum of its parts. Think 'Lara Croft's Populous II'."

"This series continues to deliver and the intense action will leave you out of breath. This ain't your grand pappy's Kasparov Teaches Chess."

"[Developer] can do no wrong in my book, but [Game Title] exceeds even my great expectations. The CD smells like delicious donuts and just viewing the autorun caused shivers of ecstasy to race up and down my spine. The installation was pure bliss and my first five minutes of actually playing [Game Title] forced me to lie down lest I be overcome by a case of the vapors."

My obligations to the entertainment industry fulfilled for the year, I will once again be returning to my normal cynical content. Look forward to more pointless rambling in the year to come!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

This Holy Night We Flood the World with Bees!

This Holy Night We Flood the World with Bees!

It’s Christmas Day! Did you enjoy unwrapping your gift cards today? How about all that Ham..... Tamales, have you’ve had your fill already? What to do now. You could spend the time with your family or you could flip them the bird and go to the movies and watch Alien vs Predator or something equally as bad. It will more than likely be the only thing open where english is the primary language anyway. But why throw away money on a movie ticket and some popcorn when there is much larger things you could do to make you feel like a better person and help change the lives around the world. I speak of course of donating to chariety. It helps you sleep easy at night. Especially when you realize how large your carbon footprint actually is.

So it’s time to start your charity motors up, people. I know you’re busy sucking down sugarplums and unwrapping nostril groomers (hint hint) from your girlfriend, but I’d like you to take a moment out of your holiday routine to remind you of something more important: all over the world, people are dying miserably because of your greed. Right now, even as you’re reading this, some child with a giant head and what seems like an abnormal number of ribs is far along in the process of dying of poorness. You know that Battlestar Galactica bathrobe you bought for your brother? If you had used just one tenth of that money to buy this little third-world moppet a salt lick or a couple fingers of gruel, he’d be not dying right at this instant.

Sorry if I’m bumming you out, but I have good news: with just a small contribution, you can help! Well, you can’t help the kid from the previous paragraph. That kid is dead now, so forget about him. He died because you were reading a website on the internet instead of sending him money. That’s fine, though. There are plenty more dying people to help, so let’s get on with it before-- oh, whoops, another one just died.

This Christmas, I want you to give ’til it hurts. I want to give ’til it’s covered with painful welts, in fact. I’d want to keep giving until its throat swells shut due to anaphylactic shock.

You may have heard of Heifer International, a charitable organization that improves the lives of poor people around the world by giving them goats and cows and stuff, which they can milk or eat or cut open and crawl inside of for warmth. One of their many animal-charity drives involves setting up bee colonies, which seems like the perfect project to throw your money at.

Why Give Bees?

The beauty of donating bees is that it works whether you’re good or evil. There are two ways to look at it:

A) You are paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination.

B) You are paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them.

Bee-giving is good for the world, but you can feel like an asshole while doing it. In fact, you can feel like a supervillain. Each $30 bee contribution buys 12,500 bees (I actually called and checked), which means that the combined weight of this charity option could potentially flood the developing world with millions of bees. On this holiest of nights, we shall darken the skies of the world’s poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature’s perfect killing machine.

How Give Bees?

To participate in our charity bee drive, just follow these easy steps:

1. Visit this page to order bees directly from Heifer International.

2. Click "Add to Cart" and proceed to checkout.

3. After you enter your info, you’ll see an "Additional Information" area. In the second dropdown menu, select "Other Organization," then enter "Something Awful" in the text field below it.

4. Say if you’ve donated! Post a comments to me that you’ve donated. The Bee number will be tallied up to better track the level of this insane global villainy.

Let’s forever end poverty everywhere in the world through the miraculous power of bees! Or, if you’re evil, let’s cause thousands of potentially fatal bee stings in the countries whose medical care systems are least qualified to treat allergic shock! For only 0.08 cents a day, you can instill the fear of bees into a child who already had finding food and shelter along with fighting off sickness as things to worry about.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Last Minute Holiday Shopping Still Needs Some Law and Order

The Holiday Gift Giving Season Needs some Law and Order.

It's the last weekend to go shopping for the Holidays. What the fuck were you doing with your time that you've waited this long? Well, enough questions on what you were doing. More along the lines of what will you do now? Don't forget to pack a cyanide pill with your wallet as I'm sure going two miles near a mall or shopping center this weekend will bring you to the point of insanity.

This last minute gift shopping leads to the easy out. That is, folks just grab the closest random crap on the shelf that isn't blocked by shopping carts and call it a day. This can lead to some pretty bad gifts. Sure you try to justify them to yourself as it being something the person may like if they open themselves up to it but it's just something that will get turned into one of the three R's; Returned, Regifted or Recycled.

I have had my share of terrible gifts. Enough that even though I know you total strangers will give me nothing for Christmas, I still feel the need to write out a helpful guide to point you away from getting anyone any of these things. That and I also wanted to comment on these because they were just so damn insanely out there that I felt the need to get an audience while I lampoon them. So enjoy while I talk about awful gift ideas!

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Field Kit

Who is letting their kids watch CSI that there would be enough interest to market a personal field kit to anyone? I get the idea. You want to get your snot nosed brat from playing that blasted ol' Playstation wii 360 and get into something educational. But exactly is this going to teach them? Perhaps how to enhance their digital photos. I can't wait to hear some 12 year olds discuss if the semen stains on the victim were left postmortem and what blunt object was used to kill them. It's like clue, only with more dead bodies!

If this kit doesn't come with a big book of Gil Grissom's witty one liners to use whenever you find a dead body, it would be a crime. A terrible terrible crime. If that's the case, someone better get the field kit ready cause I feel like killing whoever dropped the ball on that one. Also look out for the CSI: Miami field kit. It comes with sunglasses that need to be removed whenever you get to a "crime scene" and it comes in an orange-ish color case. There's also a CSI: New York field kit, but no one ever plays with that one so don't bother.

This gift is terrible for many reasons. If you have a kid, don't let the watch CSI. If you have someone who has a strange obsession with death that would lead you to think this would be good gift, you should just head over to the Los Angeles County Coroner since they actually have a gift shop. Remember the day you identified that dead body or dropped off the dental records with a shirt and a lapel pen! That's a discussion in itself best saved for another time.

I'm waiting for whatever Without A Trace will try to market towards the kids market. How about some Dexter plastic sheets for kids? Now that'll sell!

Exclusive Police Officer Knife Replica Honors Those Who Serve and Protect!

What better way to show your sensitive side than with a deadly weapon. It's like saying, "Hey, I'm sensitive, but not so sensitive that I won't stab you in the gut if you even so much as suggest that I'm gay, because I'm not gay. I just like really gay art."

While I'm an avid opponent of stabbing in general, I would seriously recommend giving this knife as a gift to anyone who has the potential of going off their rocker and stabbing someone. It just seems appropriate to me that such a poorly conceived symbol of justice be co-opted for the dreadful business of stabbing. If this knife ended up a murder weapon, then it would truly be art.

For some reason this is labeled as a replica. I guess police really do carry these things around, which seems impractical, but I'm never one to question the law. I don't know if the miniature gun on the knife actually fires, or if those little belt pouches the knife is wearing contain any useful crime fighting instruments. I would hope so, otherwise why on earth would they even be there?

Even if you did some have family member who seemed off the beaten path and had some samurai sword fetish, would you really want to supply them with a knife? You do realize YOUR prints are now on future exhibit A, right?

AQUA DOTS (My first GHB Lab!)

I sometimes question the existence of a God.. Ok, not really. I seriously don't believe in that big fairy tale. But if I did, this would be that sign that he has one hell of a sense of humor. This was Toy of the year. On paper, it looks pretty neat. It's dots and water. What could go wrong? As we found out in just one of the many recalls this year, a whole lot!

The comedy behind this toy is that the dots that make up the toy of this, when consumed by stupid children who like to eat anything and everything, act much like the date rape drug. I'm sure this could be a better way to transition to the game of playing Doctor for young children, but it seems that parents didn't really want their kids preparing themselves for the future club/dating scene.

On the other hand, compared to the mass amount of toys being recalled because of lead these days, Aqua Dots seems like the safer alternative. What's the worse that can happen? Your kid gets knocked out for a couple of hours and you get to do whatever it is you wanted to do without the need of a baby sitter. Win/Win! A whole lot cheaper than buying NyQuil to buy you some alone time with the significant other.

SPEED STACKS or simply plastic Cups...

Seriously... What the fuck! What kind of shitty gift is this. Cross that, what kind of shitty toy is this? Christmas time or any other time. What the hell is this abortion of a toy? It's cup stacking and it's claiming it's a sport. I'm sure you can put the words Competitive in front of anything but it wont make it a sport. It's plastic cups. Green plastic cups. That's not a toy, those are party supplies. The two wouldn't have any use as a gift anyway. No one will want to drink from cups used to stack anyway. You don't have to be Monk to be deathly afraid of drinking from these cups.

Imagine little Timmys mindset on Christmas day. He's hoping for that Guitar Hero III and he unwraps this. You might as well go around the mall screaming that Santa isn't real as that's the only way you can shatter someone's Christmas any worse. I'm sure you would get a better reaction having them open up some underwear or a poorly made sweater than you would get after giving this awful gift.

If you have the terrible idea to get anyone this, you should just forget going to Toys 'r' us and head down to the local party supply store and buy those red plastic cups. At least with those your kid could make five bucks a cup at any given college kegger.

Even with them glowing in the dark. You're better off just getting drunk with the cups than try to fumble around in the dark with them. Yes, they may glow in the dark. Everything else around it, namely the table you're stacking them on, does not. Use the dark for something more productive if you get this gift. Crying in one of the corners comes to mind.

Spider-Man's Awesome to the Max Bike WebWorld Racers!

Spider-Man 3 was such an epic film. That fight scene with Venom in the construction site and then that really wicked bike race with the Sandman after.... Oh, you don't remember that scene? Well, neither do I since it never happened. Perhaps it remains on the cutting room floor taunting us like some itch on your gum you can't scratch. Perhaps it's better that we never saw that scene.

Let's take a few moments to figure out what is going on in this toy anyway. You have the Sandman, a character who has the power to make himself sand and some other stuff, and Spider-man, who can swing by webbing he produces out of his hands, riding motorcycles in what can only be described as Webworld Racers. Now that I think about it, the film's conclusion would have been a whole better resolved if Spidey and Sandman decided to settle their dispute on the streets, like real super powered freaks do!

I know there's crappy movie tie in products but this is just awful. Not even getting into the typical "nerd rage" but why is Spider-man even on a motorcycle? He can swing around the city. Is this some sort of attempt to make kids less violent but much more interested in illegal street racing? I'm sure the marketing for this went down with someone really happy finding out that kids like Spider-man and Motorcycles. Let's put the two together and get the ultimate toy possible! Enjoy your six figure salary, Mr. Toy Maker.

If you have to get your kid an action figure, just get him the action figure. Forget the bells and whistles as it's just pointless gimmicks. The kid is going to have a better time using his imagination creating whatever wacky situations and street races he wants to put the action figures in. I knew someone who made an epic 13 part story with a single Tie Fighter toy. This was in High School mind you. Amazing what an imagination can do. You don't even have to pay for one.

Double Dragon Figurines on "Flaming" Crystalline Bases! Or anything else as nerdy as this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that I'm geeky. Not to mention Double Dragon was a pretty fun game back in the day. There was no Grand Theft Auto during that time so it was the only way I could wander the streets bicycle kicking lesbians and whipping people. Although, there was that time when you were in a helicopter and somehow there were like 40 guys crammed into the front of the helicopter and they would come out to fight you one by one like it was some sort of clown helicopter. That was pretty great, at least up until Abobo showed up and you had to stop messing around and get serious.

What I'm trying to say is that there comes a point in life when you are in the back of a helicopter and you've just been tossing punk after punk out the open door without any hassle, then suddenly this huge dude comes out and you start to realize that you could easily wind up like one of those helicopter-defenestrated punks if you don't start taking life seriously. Up until now this has all been fun and games, but this crap has to stop before we degrade humanity any further.

This huge ridiculous sculpture depicts two dragons that are either getting ready to kill each other, or getting ready to perform the physical act of love. To be honest, it's kind of hard to tell what exactly is going on because the artists seem to be 12-year-olds with ADD. I think the dragons are either shitting fire, or the fire is reaching up to give them some kind of magical enema. For reasons beyond me, you can see a picture of two heroic humans and also another dragon in the fire. I can understand the fiery depiction of the humans, since that serves to remind the viewer that somebody out there might want to claim the mysterious sword in the middle of the figurine. I don't know what the depiction of the other dragon is for, since there are already two dragons getting ready to go at it. That third one is really one dragon too many. Fire is pretty intense by nature, so there is simply no justification for painting monsters on the side of it.

I don't know if the red or blue dragons have any plans to try to claim that sword in the middle, but I kind of doubt it. What's a dragon going to do with a sword? If that were a big thing of French bread instead of a sword, I'd wager a pretty penny that they were fighting over it. As is, it seems like it would be in the best interest of both dragons to team up and protect the sword, lest some hotheaded human procure it and then stab one or the other.

The biggest problem for me is not that this is an utterly pathetic piece of shit, but that it's an utterly pathetic piece of shit that you can't in good conscience display anywhere. Believe me, I have a lot of utterly pathetic pieces of shit around my place. Where on earth do you put a thing like this? Unless you have some sort of Altar of Virginity built in your basement, there is no appropriate place for such a monstrosity, and this is coming from someone who has Captain Jack's broken compass up on the wall. And if you can think of a place you would put one of these, please do me the honor of punching your own stupid face as hard as possible.

You see these a lot at stores like Spencer's and that sword store in the mall that you never want to set foot in. Really, this is a terrible gift. And if you know someone who would really love something like this don't encourage them by getting them more of the same. Like a dog who just took a big one on the carpet. You don't encourage him. You grab a newspaper, or in this case a comic book, and you smack him a couple of times.

Gift Cards

While I have recieved many gift cards in the past, used them and appreciated having them. I just don't see the point of a gift card. It's not a very good gift. All you are doing is giving the store an interest free loan. When you get right down to it, you're telling the person one of many things. None of which are really anything very good.
1. I don't know you, but I felt obligated to give you something.
2. I know you, but I don't know anything about you to get you something.
3. I like you, but not enough to get you what you like.
4. I was in line buying actual items for people and remembered I didn't buy anything for you yet.

If you're going to go down that road, why send something of cash value? Isn't it better to just put some cash in their hand if that's the intent? Yes, I'm fully aware that cash seems like the person put in no effort. But is going to Best Buy or Game Stop and buying a gift card that much more effort than putting cash in their hand? Just send best wishes if you really have no idea what the person will like.

What if the store you get a gift card from isn't a store they don't shop at? You are now forcing that person into going to that place and spending money on stuff they normally wouldn't even care about anyway. I know the last few gift cards, the amount that folks have given me was not enough to cover the cost of whatever it was that I bought. So the gift was really just like 25-50% off coupon.

There's a report out that says that 8 Billion a year is lost in unredeemed, lost or expired gift cards. Not to mention the hidden fees attached to them. That's double the amount of loss from debit and credit card fraud a year in America, which is 3.5 billion. Much like that hidden twenty you find on laundry day, people lose gift cards or put them away and they can be drained slowly by all those hidden fees. Only with the twenty, when you find it a couple of months later, it's still worth twenty bucks.

The scary aspect to this is that gift cards are very popular. The same study showed that 88% of shoppers will buy two or more gift cards this season and that gift cards will average over 26.3 billion over the holiday season.

Why bother? With a gift card the person now has to drive down to the mall soon after Christmas and face the mass crowds of returns and post-season sales to find something they may like. Just give cash. It saves you the trip to the store before Christmas and it saves the person the trip after Christmas. Even if it's a buck or two, I doubt they will be offended. At the very least not any less offended than if you were just giving them a gift card.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Christmas season. I love the lights, the seasons tidings and cheer. The return of eggnog and the excuse to eat a ton of Ham and of course get sick from Tamales. I don't like the idea of being forced into giving someone something. Do it if you want to. Do it if you honestly see something the person may like the item. Don't do it because you feel obligated to do so. That's the time you get into the bad gifts. I'd much rather get a seasons greeting than get a crappy gift.

While a crappy gift shows me you had the couple of seconds to think of me, not giving me a gift offers me the ability to not have to worry about what I'm getting you. Think of it as time saved. The gift to me will be that I didn't have to waste any time trying to find you something you would more than likely hate. If I know you well enough, and you knew me well enough, maybe then the gifts would have some personal touch to them. Otherwise, I'd rather not spend my weekend driving around malls and dealing with credit card bills six months into the new year. A simple Merry Christmas and the knowledge that you do not wish ill on me is more than enough.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Killing Joke

The Killing Joke

With Batman Begins erasing any scary image of a Batman suit with nipples the healing process... began. Now where does Christopher Nolan take us with the future of the Batman franchise? No joke, to a clown! That's right with The Dark Knight next year, we'll see the Clown prince himself coming to the big screen in what is not your Tim Burton's Jack Nicholson Joker. Heath Ledger is putting on the clown make up and fitting those big feet in with a darker Joker. Post Production just started up for the film and this week EMPIRE magazine got the first shots of the Joker to get the hype going with more than six months to go till release. It's nothing new, this film has been generating a lot of buzz since we got the hint that the Joker would be the main focus at the end of Batman Begins. Last Comic Con, there was a very big focus on the joker with a very wide interactive hunt around San Diego. The way WB is hyping this film up is just more reason to get excited for it.

..> ..>
Taking a beating with a smile on his face!

He Who Laughts Last, Laughs Best

The role of the joker was a toss up. Who knew what, with this new franchise, what Nolan had in store for us. We knew Harvey Dent would play a bigger role from all talk after the first one. It's also nice to have the idea that they took some stuff out of a couple of the more popular Batman story arcs. Long Halloween was one books that they took some source from on the website lately, but the book itself dealt with the transition from Mobsters to crazies as threats to Gotham City. It was an amazing read and does have connections to other Super Hero stuff. The writer is also a producer for Heroes and the artist, if you're a fan of Heroes, is Tim Sale, the same artist that comes up with all those future paintings. But not everyone was pleased with how the movie was going.

Honey, I'm Home!

Jack Nicholson took the time off from watching Laker games to be "furious" that Nolan didn't ask him to either play the role or at the very least come to him for help on the character... Yeah, jacky boy. I don't think that's really an important issue at hand. Don't get me wrong. I loved the first Batman film. Tim Burton did a great job on it for its day. Nicholson is one of the great actors of our time and a cult Hollywood icon, but he's not the only source to go to for anything Joker related. Not to mention the film didn't age very well. You can watch it and enjoy it, but just slightly more seriously than the 60's Movie where Batman simply can't get rid of a Bomb. On that note, did Jack Nicholson ever get any help from the Cesar Romero on how exactly he should play the Joker? Now that was an amazing Joker. He took a BAM! and a ZAP! and a BOOF! like no one's business.

To The Bat Computer!
So filming has been going on the Chicago area for this film for some time. They are not in post production and it's only a matter of time before we get word on the final cut out there in test screenings and what not. But for the time being, what's there to keep the interest of all those internet nerds on the hunt for the latest in gossip? Well, there's always the rumors and leaked footage from other comic book conventions. But in this day and age, the PR departments crank out huge machines that offer clues and hints and provide hours and hours of entertainment to their fans. Look at Cloverfield, for example. They have had a online game since filming started to hype up that J.J. Abrams film with mystery and suspense! Good thing I've read the Batman Training Guide or else I wouldn't have any idea on what to do.

..> ..>
It's like Disney Dollars. Only, you could actually spend it somewhere.

You Ever Dance With The Devil By The Pale Moonlight?

Who has time for that, right? If you haven't been keeping up with the Joker's latest clues in some Alternate Reality Game that WB is running, I have and let my hours wasted benefit you! The madness it brings comes at a cost and it shouldn't be something you need to afford. How does Batman do it? What madness does that dark defender carry if this is what it takes to track down this clown? Just to update where we are and what sites we have:
This is the official campaign site for Harvey Dent. Don't be surprised by this two faced candidate. It simply had a campaign poster up of Dent. Nothing serious. It really just got the ball rolling in terms of creating buzz.
This is what got a lot of folks talking. The Joker's perversion of Dent's website really starts to show that Mister J has a sense of humor after all.
This one was found from the comic con joker dollar. It lead those who choose to follow the wild scavenger hunt all over sunny San Diego. The only thing I can say about the whole experience is Stay Classy, San Diego. It later proved to be the place to get the hints as to what to do. The day before Halloween had a couple of clues to how to join up with his gangs and cause another scavenger hunt around a handful of cities in the U.S. to find letters and create the phrase "The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules." which lead to another website.

The Dark Knight's production secret project title was named this to keep filming under wraps. After the Halloween message was revealed, this website was were all the photos would be put up. Including the first new picture of Ledger as the Joker in the back of a car. This is also where the task came up to paint your face like jokers and take pictures around local city land marks. Those who took part in it got mailed a copy of the Gotham Times.
This showed up and those who took part of the painting got a hard copy in the mail. In the Gotham newspaper there was a lot of articles that gave us updates to what's going on in Gotham since Batman Begins. It was a rather detailed paper and the articles were worth reading. Again, that prankster jumped in and defaced it in....
This is an important one. This is the Joker's perversion of the Gotham Times website. It contained a code in all the circled phrases. You then had to decipher it by breaking down the number of letters in the circled phrases and decode " whysoseriouspersonalityprofile which lead you to exactly that, a personality profile to join the Joker's army.
Achieving the highest score of "A Scream" doesn't do anything for now other than lets you know that you are just sick enough to be wanted by the Joker. Good job!

All the while, Gotham's company websites have been popping up left and right.
The official website of Gotham City rail, including Flash maps of the city. The interesting thing... and I say that in a very geeky nerd stand point, is that Nolan is using the exact same map for Gotham as was shown in the comics. Very nice attention to detail. The fact that I recognized that goes to show that I read way too many f'n funny books.
Another official website of Gotham City business. This time the bank. I bet the joker has some plans for that! One of the rat races that was part of comic con was to go by the bank there and you got a little Gotham National Bank savings card.

The website of Gotham Police, known to be corrupt with only few exceptions. Commish Loeb is also a nod to comic writer Jeph Loeb. He did a very popular Batman story arc called Hush and is also a Producer on a little show called Heroes. You may have heard of it.
Harvey Dent's website, where you can report cops who you think are corrupt. Putting in a couple of known Batman cops brings up pretty generic e-mail responses. I punched in Gordon and it came back with a response that he was never a suspect. On the flip side there was an e-mail sent that had two cops that were corrupt.

Thank you for providing information on Detective Sergeant Jason McCree, Badge 4217 and/or Lt. Karl Breitup, Badge 6773. An Internal Affairs investigation has been opened on these officers and your information has been forwarded to the officer leading that investigation.

Thank you for stepping forward. It is regrettable when those invested with the public trust betray the people who look to them for protection and aid. But by exposing corruption, you are part of making Gotham better, safer, stronger.

Remember those, they'll come up later.
A remembrance website for a girl murdered recently that was an article in the Gotham Times. See, that news paper did have a lot of clues to branch out to. She was killed in a mob fight, two policemen were present but left the scene shortly before her death - paid off by the mob. An email to the website receives a reply from Gina’s Aunt, mentioning a local store being burnt down.
A new website, just up yesterday for victims.
Contains an email address and a phone number. It's unknown what contacting does.
Gotham Security company. Offering different kinds of security including protection from the Scarecrow's Fear toxin. Contacting via e-mail just leads to a generic response saying that they are in demand and taking a lot of orders right now, but just check their website for more info.
A Gotham City cab company, actually a front for the mob. Headed by one of the policemen who left before Gina was killed. If you phone the number and input the officer's badge number 6773 as a code by pressing during the message, you get a voice mail message from the mob, indicating the current city DA has mob connections. It's really really neat.
This site was a really nice mind blower. It's going back to the whole Joker's thug job application. You need to crack the safe, but how do you do it? Oh the mystery. I refer you back to the Batman Training Guide as it comes in handy. You can see at the top there's the note when you click on the safe. Take the blood soaked letters in each paragraph and they're an anagram that spells out TIME FOR TAFFY. Oh that jokester. We're not at a fair! Well, there is a Taffy being reported in that news paper. What time did it say he bit the big one? 7:38am? The only question then was how to plug that into the safe. If you set your computer clock to 7:38am while viewing the safe website, you'll see that it just comes off as if someone sprayed acid on it. Opening that lead to some more clues. going off those lead us to
Where the lunch menu in itself looks like a clue. Notice the 21st has "Bat" bites. Hmmmm. There's also mention of something that happened in the narrows and the bus stops have changed. The only thing I can gather so far from this one is that I AM LEGEND comes out on the 14th and there's going to be a 7 minute trailer attached to the IMAX versions of the film. So I would expect another task on the 21st on the website. Well, the night is almost here and so I must go back into the shadows of trying to figure this out.

Perhaps you've learned something from all this. For one, how utterly insane this online world can cause us with simple clues and hints. Damn you WB for making it so addicting! Hell, we still have months before the movie comes out. I'm not sure how far down this goes. We're through the looking glass, people!

Monday, November 26, 2007

I’m So Enlightened, I Just Can’t Hide It

Most people think that humorists are worthless and loathesome individuals who write ass jokes because they can't cut it in a "real" profession. These people are, of course, right. There is an exception to this rule, however, and I am that exception. While my cohorts spend their free time in the same opium dens that have recently overrun China and brought that country's economy to its knees, I pursue more intellectual goals. You see, I'm something of a dignified scholar. After writing a 1,700 word article about Cheese and the Cows they come from, I typically unwind by having my servants carry me to the top of the nearest hill, where I drink a martini and gaze upon the endless beauty of the night sky while I solve the mysteries of the universe. I'm like the Greek philosophers, really, only I don't wear a funny robe or have modern plumbing.

After each evening on the hill, I painstakingly record my musings in a journal which has become frail and battered over time (sometimes I drink a little bit too much and get out of control). These journal entries range in topic from religious matters to lessons I've learned in life to simple observations about the world around me. By sharing a few selections from this journal with you, hopefully I can inspire a few readers to think a little bit more about life instead of simply drifting through it.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Apparently they've never been to the Smurf village. That thing's way too fucking tiny.

With the entire classroom staring and giggling at my naked body, I learned the true meaning of shame. It was right there, the third word in the weekly vocabulary list our teacher had just handed out.

Everyone's so impressed by the gigantic pyramids in Egypt. I don't think they'd be as impressed if they knew what I know: the Egyptians were actually trying to build very small rectangle-shaped houses.

Anarchists are full of shit. Don't get me wrong, I like the Clash as much as the next guy. But if they got their way and civilization as we know it crumbled, there would be total chaos with people running around and screaming in panic. You know what happens when people just run haphazardly like that? Scraped knees. No thanks, guys.

That day at the zoo changed the way I thought of animals forever. What really seperates us from these beautiful creatures, I wondered? As it turned out nothing, aside from a reinforced steel fence and the protective suit that I made out of delicious meat and honey.

Here's a hint for the sport of basketball: tie the bottom of the net closed and you won't have to keep putting the ball back in there. You guys have been playing for how long, and you still haven't figured that out? I just came up with that in like five minutes.

The homeless have got the wrong idea. Living on the street, sleeping on benches and urine-stained sidewalks, begging for money to keep from starving? Yeah, nice plan there. Good luck with all that.

Sometimes I think my dog can really understand what I say when I talk to him. This in turn makes me think that maybe he's not even a dog at all, but a human being that I bought in some crazy mixup. I calm myself and look over to him to see that he's licking his balls and it's anyones guess really.

If I could only pass one thing on to my children, I guess it would have to be the weird disease I picked up in Tijuana. I mean, according to the doctors I don't really have a choice.

I feel bad for amputees. Losing your legs in a car accident, getting shot, or mistakenly lopping off an arm with a chainsaw... these are all so cliched. When you're invariably asked to explain how you lost your limbs, I bet it really hurts when the other guy gets so bored that he rolls his eyes or gestures like he's jerking off.

Some people claim that the history our children are learning in school has been revised to benefit the interests of certain groups, but this is just a conspiracy theory for right-wing loonies. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Four score and seven years ago, I had a dream. That dream told me that Bill 'Poppa Bear' O'Reilly is always right and we should support our troops and buy some Mikey D's Freedom Fries. Git-r-done!"

Music soothes the savage beast, but no matter how loud I sang that horse would not stop brutally kicking me.

Some scientists are confident that they can disprove the existence of God, yet with all their fancy beakers and microscopes they haven't even been able to partially explain Alec Baldwin's career.

If I had to pinpoint exactly when things began going wrong in that football game, I guess I would have to say it was when I sold my entire family to gypsies.

Our galaxy is tens of trillions of miles across, and surrounding it are countless galaxies of comparable size. All the cosmos that we have mapped out are only a grain of sand on a neverending beach. The universe extends infinitely beyond what your brain can even begin to comprehend. So don't even worry, just throw your garbage wherever you want.

The power of hypnotic suggestion is highly underestimated. It may sound silly, but if you keep repeating a message to someone, in time they'll actually begin to believe you. Especially if the message you're repeating is "I'm incredibly annoying", and you scream it every three seconds.

A surprising number of people are afraid of clowns, but I think that's a baseless fear and that they're crazy. It's the microscopic clowns you have to look out for, the ones that climb in your ears when you sleep.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Forget The Bird, Where's The Booze?

Forget The Bird, Where's The Booze?

Ah Thanksgiving. That time when you come together with the family you seldom see. The typical awkward conversations about what you're doing with your life, why you don't visit and when will you finally settle down come up. If you're lucky enough, you'll have the chance to stuff your face full of turkey and stuffing in an attempt to avoid these questions. With any family setting the chances are good that there's some tension in the air between members of your family. So you're going to need something to help make those insanely boring stories told by family members you seldom see interesting. There's only a certain number of times you can hear about how your cousin timmy sure beat those parasites or awkwardly laugh at the uneasy jokes the hobo your hippie sister invited to dinner makes before wanting to slam your plate on your head.

..>..> ..> ..>

That's when the drinks come along. From helping you swallow your extremely dry turkey to getting your buzz on to loosen the mood. It's all the little things you do to help you pass the time before you fall asleep from an overdose of food. On Thanksgiving, the booze is already going to be flowing like Niagara Falls thanks to the deep-seated resentment and hostility in your family that's never given a proper outlet. Alcohol also serves a very practical purpose besides making incoming passive-aggressive comments about your lifestyle palatable; it removes all doubt from the mind. Sure, you may be asking yourself "Do I really want to do this to my body?" in front of all of those heaps of steaming food-mounds, but after a few glasses of spiced rum, you'll be on the sixth plate and racing your shirtless uncle to the bathtub so that one of you (the winner) can vomit. As long as everyone is toasted, everyone is happy; and you may just be drunk enough to forget about the poor parenting skills that made you intot he insecure, human train wreck that you are. If not, nothing makes a better chaser than tears! So read on, reader! This is your guide to what to chug down to get through those couple of hours tonight when you'll have to socialize with your family!


This is the basic on what you would think would be a perfect thing to serve with your fancy spread, right? WRONG! Think again. It's going to be a task to figure out what wine will go best with your meal. Should you go with a nice red or white? The rule of thumb is to stick to the color of your food, but if you're having a spread like your typical thanksgiving meal, what color would win out of all of them? The white of the turkey? Not to mention the different taste all around. Some like a nice oak after taste while others care for more of a fruity and sweet taste? Oh the choices! Then you'll have to figure out what years vintage was good and what year was crap. You'll then look foolish if you pick up a wine that isn't from America. I mean, it is Thanksgiving, what are you? Some terrorist? There's too many factors. Perhaps I'll write up a good wine post sometime, but for right now it may be out of your field my friend.


While this may be the best drink in the world, not many people know how to pour one properly. And if the way your Aunt poured the gravey over your mashed potatoes is any indication, no one in your extended family, unless Irish, will know how to pour a proper Guinness. Not to mention that you're already going to be eating a lot of stuffing. Drinking one of these bad boys sometimes feels like you just ate a loaf of bread. Very often when I do drink enough of these I find myself waking up in a pile of wonder bread wrappers. I don't know why, man. I just do! In any event. Drinking this stuff will more than likely fill you up before you even get to the third helping of food. Which would be a bad thing considering the little known fact that you'll never have any leftovers to enjoy unless you hurry up and eat as much as you can now!

Jack Daniels

Well, if you're going to be saying grace down the neck of a bottle of Jack, you're more than likely not spending your time with a family. Which in itself is a plus. Congrats! Hopefully you'll be able to get some custody for your child after the courts stop raping you for child support. Either way, I'm sure that you're enjoying your thanksgiving meal in the form of a freshly carved up open face turkey sandwich from the local deli down the street.


Aye, a little Rum will do the trick of healing what causes your grief. The best part of this drink is that you can
easily hide it in the coke that you have with your meal and no one will be the wiser. It helps avoid all those interventions. I mean, there's only so many times your loved ones can tell you they'll stop talking to you if you don't stop drinking before you just tell them to beat it anyway and leave you be with your drink of choice.

Hobo Wine

Forget the stuff that comes from Napa. A little known fact is that these hobo wines are made by the Gallo family winery. They just consider them the redheaded step children, much the same as you're family treats you if you hate being around them for thanksgiving. Let's get down to brass tacks . Your goal is to get as ripped up as possible in any means to not have to deal with your family. The 17.5% per volume alcohol level in these will leave you as toasted as the turkey. On top of that, it's a whole lot cheaper! These bad boys run you about a buck or two. Sure, you have to deal with paying for it through a four inch thick bullet proof window at the liquor store. But much like the pilgrims had to suffer a little, so do we. I'm sure anything from Modesto, California is nothing but top quality!


Jager and the thanksgiving meal actually have a lot in common. Everyone has had one night of drinking way too much of this stuff and then found themselves puking their brains out all night long just like everyone has had one night (usually the fourth Thursday of November) where they ate too god damn much and found themselves puking all night long. Ah, then you wipe your hands of ever touching it again, only to end up in the same position a year later. It's a vicious cycle, I know. But it's one that will always happen. I would be careful to choose this as your drink with the meal. Yes, it will get you to the point of forgetting all about your problems quickly, but you already have a high puke terror threat on Thanksgiving anyway. No need to make it a certainty.

All this could have been avoided with a couple of Irish Car bombs. Either that or it would have been even more entertaining.


Unless you're going to be deep frying your turkey, perhaps it's best that you put that silver bullet down. Don't tap into the rockies for this one. Besides that, do you really want a drink that came from the same place where the losers of the world series are? Thanksgiving is all about being American and while baseball is as American as you can get, getting swept in the world series is as anti-American as it comes! Hey Rockies,what happened to Rocktober? Oh yeah, it turned into Chokevember! Oh yes, back to the point. If you are going to be deep frying your turkey this year, please be warned that you should not under and circumstance deep fry indoors. You will burn the turkey and your home. While it will be funny for me to laugh about it while I sit outside and drink a cold Coors, watching your house go up in flames, it may not be funny to you.

Pabst blue ribbon

Again, do not go to beer while eating your turkey. I did one for Pabst simply because it's going to be fair warning. If you're going to be drinking Pabst blue ribbon on Thanksgiving, you're more than likely not talking to your family and enjoying your Tofurkey with your hipster friends. In which case all I have to say is this, Get a job, you leaches of society! Oh, I kid, I kid. I know the world needs hipsters. Who else is going to ask me if I want paper or plastic. And the jokes don't stop, do they? (Or did they ever start?) You should leave the Pabst for another night. Class it up some and go pick yourself up a six'er of Old Milwaukee.


If you've never eaten at a Chinese establishment during Thanksgiving then you've never truly lived. Or should I say never fucked up a thanksgiving dinner. There's something about when your thanksgiving host invites you over to eat and tells you all about how they've been slaving away with the turkey and how they are especially proud of how good it smells and how golden brown it looks. So when they ask you to do the honors of cutting the turkey, you stick your carving knife into that breast bone only to feel a cold and wet turkey center. I don't think they put instructions on a turkey to defrost it before tossing it in the oven at 350 degrees, but if they assume folks have common sense, they have another thing coming. Any number of things gone so wrong with your meal that you end up in a Chinese dive enjoying General Mao's tasty duck instead of turkey will lead you to also drink your problems away with this great Chinese beer.

A couple of shots and you wont even notice how crappy that food taste!

Jones cola Thanksgiving pac

Yeah, it may seem a bit redundant to drink sodafied versions of the meal you are eating but stay with me for a second here. You have to think of it like a turducken! You know, that duck stuffed in a chicken stuffed in a turkey. Yup, exactly like that. Only the wonders of Jones Cola Thanksgiving pack has everything you're going to be enjoying in liquid form. Especially helpful for Aunt Gladis who's nick name is Gummy Bear on account of her dental status. With flavors like Turkey and Gravy soda, Sweet Potato soda, Dinner Roll soda, Pea soup soda and of course, Antacid soda how could you go wrong? I'm sure you're wondering why anyone would even buy this pack? I'm sure there is really no "good" answer to that. I have to admit that I have a couple of these soda packs. Why? I guess I really like pain. The irony of it all is that the Antacid soda has a warning label that says "NOT TO BE USED AS AN ANTACID!" All of these sodas should have a tag of "DO NOT DRINK." Unless you want your family tension to be cut with everyone puking, this is not the drink(s) to serve at the table.

I'm sure this helpful guide has laid out the methods that will best serve you to get drunk, sick or dead in time for your holiday gathering. Just remember. The less time you are in control of your own body, the more you'll have fun. You should take comfort that while you can't control what family you are born into, you can at least control which drink goes down your throat in pure levels of enjoyment and numbness.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!