Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Pranks

Halloween Pranks

Well, it's Halloween night. If you're reading this, than you have nothing to do on Halloween night. Way to go, you socially inept person. You do realize that the saying is Trick or Treat. Meaning, if you got yourself some will power from drinking all those Mt. Dew's, you can go out and do a little Tricking.

I suppose I'll start off pretty weak sauce. I don't want you to do anything that's really destructive as you're already socially inept, any law problems and you'll be labeled something of a lost cause.
    * Dress up as though you are the inanimate Halloween Decor for your lawn. Example: scarecrow, Frankenstein, etc. Be as still as you can. When someone walks by, jump out and scare the heck out of them. Another idea is to lay flat on the lawn, pretending to be in a grave marked with a tombstone. Imagine their surprise when you rise from the dead!

    * Ring doorbell and say "canned goods or meat."

    * Get dressed up, knock on door. When person answers, put candy into his bowl.

    * Visit friends' houses and write on the mirror with your finger, delivering a scary message such as "I'm watching you!" Breathe on the mirror and you can see your words. Let it dry naturally. When your friend takes a shower, the words will appear again when the mirror fogs up.

    * Give away fake, plastic turds for treats.

    * Get dressed up so you are unrecognizable. Join a group of trick-or-treaters, preferably some you know. It will drive them nuts not knowing who you are.

    * Decorate your yard with all things superstitious. Ladder, black cat, broken mirror, crows. Put the number 13 on your door.

    * Dress up in a hospital gown and walk around at night saying "They think I'm crazy, but I'm not. They deserved to die. They can't take me back, etc, etc."

    * Dress up, ring doorbell. When someone answers, say "pull my finger."

    * Traditional, ring doorbell and run.

    * Toilet paper your own yard and accuse someone else of doing it.

    * Gather everyone's jack o' lanterns and line them up on the sidewalk in middle of the block.

    * Have any college or pro football fans in the neighborhood that like to fly their team flag? Swap it out for a rival team flag and watch the fireworks. (Make sure you return their flag after you get a good laugh.)

    * You know those colored dot stickers that can be used for various office purposes or rummage sales? Purchase the dots in two or three colors, preferably red, yellow, and blue. When it's dark outside, stick one dot on the each of your neighbors' front doors. Put one on your own door so that you aren't suspect. The next day will be interesting when neighbors try to figure out what the dots mean and why there are different colors. Those with red dots may get a bit paranoid and think it's some sort of a conspiracy.
With those witty ideas in your hands, you should be able to make a fun Halloween night out of an otherwise boring watching of The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Terrible Halloween Costumes

Terrible Halloween Costumes

Holy Shit! It's only a day before Halloween, what ever will you choose to wear as your last minute Halloween costume? Oh man. At times like this you may just pick the closest thing to you that you can find at the costume shop but be warned that there's some seriously bad costumes out there and you'd rather not be wearing.

So now you only have a day to make your choice on what will be the most offensive Halloween costume you could possibly make to go to your party and be topical. I get how it is now. Can't say I blame you. With your lack of personality, it only makes sense you'll need a clutch like that. So I'm not going to be a hater, allow me to indulge you with some more ideas in your search for the most utterly tasteless Halloween costume possible.

This combination of shirt and mask may not do you any favors in picking up those liberal chicks at the party...

Someone should let Fox News know that redistribution of candy is socialism training and we should banish this socialist tradition once and for all.

Only in the first world would it become a yearly tradition to place perfectly good food on the doorstep to rot. Don't you know how many pumpkin pies that could have made?

You could always go as Joe Kieberman. All you have to do is wear whatever you want, and then go to the wrong party. Oh, don't worry I'll be making a lot more stupid suggestions like that later in this blog. You may even think one is witty!

But to really be offensive you shouldn't have any limits. In that, you shouldn't just limit it to your costume being offensive, stretch it out to dressing up your kids!

Having problems finding a buddy to dress up with? Try craigslist!
Hello. I'm a huge starwars fan and I've always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where chewbacca has to carry a half reconstructed C3P0 because his lower body hasn't been reattached yet. for Halloween i would love to dress up like this i'm strong enough to support and carry you around on my back and big enough to pull off a good chewbacca. So basically I'm looking for a double amputee.. . someone who has had both their legs removed (hopefully at the hip) to accompany me as C3P0 for the evening. we should meet ahead of time to workout the backpack system. there are a few parties that i'd like to hit and i think we'd be the the hit of any event anyone up for this?

Sometimes the most offensive you can get is something you should never forget..

At least it'll look accurate when they're hunched over puking. But hey, I find those less offensive than the next piece, which is a description of a costume;
Girl Scout Costume

You'll sell more cookies than anyone else in your troop when you're wearing the sexy Girl Scout costume. A revealing tie-front midriff top has yellow trim and a matching sash with "merit" badges touting your many skills. A short plaid miniskirt with yellow suspenders and white leg warmers with plaid ribbon detail make you one tasty Brownie.

(note, Brownie scouts are girls in the 2nd and 3rd grade)

Then again, I'm sure there's a lot of Pedo's out there that will gladly hit the girls who dress like hot little school girls. I mean, it's not like they're

This one was pulled from Target shelves because it was deemed "offensive". It should be deemed nonsense because it doesn't make any sense at all. Why does he have to wear the illegal alien prison wear if he's holding a green card? Come on, costume companies, get your shit together.

Halloween pisses off the worst Christians, so perhaps that alone makes it a great holiday. But what's a great holiday if you don't dress the part? I seriously wont give you great ideas. At best, I'll give you lame jokes on what you should dress ass. And really, what more did you expect from this blog?

Halloween is fun, to boot, mainly because it's scaryslutty

If I was a hot chick I'd just go as a super slutty version of myself but with a fake cold sore because that would be both sexy and scary.

My first option was to go dressed up as AYN RAND as a costume and whatever party I end up going to I would just start charging people at the keg until some fascist thug (the host) tells me I can't, then I'm going to complain about it.

You should go as a UFC fan and just throw on a cheap TAPOUT shirt and yell at everyone.

If you're in the mid west, you should definitely go as a Gay, Black Jesus.

If you're in Silverlake, don't go as Max from Where The Wild Things Are. It's going to be like going as the Joker last year. Every hipster is going to be wearing that same shit.

Political satire is always "in"... B-rock, the rock, ready to pop and lock Obama. The costume would need some fake gold chains.

Go as te old testament Abraham, just go run around in a robe and beard stabbing all the kids you see until god tells you to stop.

If you're a girl, this is an easy one. It doesn't matter as long as there's mad leg and midriff.

You can go as the LAPD and chase your black friends around while ignoring your white roommate stealing shit from whatever party you're at.

Go as a homeless man and beg for change door to door. Either that or a Mormon/JW and spread pamphlets.

Go as Twitter. It's not really a costume, just go around shouting out whatever you're doing in really short sentences every five minutes or so.

Silly person. Doesn't she know that the devil isn't that edgy anymore?

Wear an Ed Hurly Jacket and when people ask what you're dressed as, say "An Asshole."

Basically all you have to do to have a really douche bag costume is wear this outfit from the following video and you'll go as "The biggest asshole imaginable."

You should dress up as "Gay Rights" and then not show up.

Go dressed as a pumpkin and hand out heroin to kids. You can call yourself the Smack-0-Lantern.

Glad to see that you can now dress up your dog as the slutty "sexy" bitch that she clearly is. Now all the dogs on the block will be tapping that ass.

But if you're wondering what the worse possible Halloween costume you could wear is, I just found it right here.

So what am I going to go as? I'm going to go as myself, but drunk.

Better yet, I'm gonna stay home and drink until something bad happens.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What I Want For Christmas: 3

What I Want For Christmas: 3 Bomb Robots

Every year I get shitty gifts... in that, I get nothing. If I was a Nihilist, I suppose I would be happy. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

It ends up with me having extremely low standards when it comes to the gifts I get. I already know I'm not going to get things I want, so any attempt to make a Christmas list is always tossed out the window. It's why when people ask what I'm hoping for in the Holiday consumer fiasco, I always toss around items that just seem so out there that, if I did get them, I would actually be very surprised that someone A.) got me something and B.) actually listened to what I wanted.

So with that, I'm going to be asking for these sort of robotic things. I know my cousin hates robots and all forms of robotic forms, but I love little things like this that do meaningless actions but entertain in such a way I can hardly describe. All I know is that I think they're Awwwwweeeeeeeesome.

So why not relive my childhood with toys I didn't have as a child...

Tomy's Hootbot

And then we have Tomy's Mr. Money

How awesome are those?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

LAPD Big Brother Is Watching You

LAPD Big Brother Is Watching You

The LAPD doesn't have the best record at handling things. From poor race relations from the May Day mishandling to OJ Simpson, the LAPD has been knowingly fucked up since the riots over Rodney King.

The Chief of Police said the entire problem would have been easily fixed by just going out and shooting a few people. Perhaps more infamous for his views on drug use before the Senate Judiciary Committee that infrequent or casual drug users "ought to be taken out and shot" because "we're in a war" and even casual drug use is "treason." Later he said those words were just calculated hyperbole.

In short, the LAPD is the manifestation of almost every single "the police are corrupt" stereotype that exist and the fact that they're moving their HQ out of the Parker Center is only fitting given that the place was named that after the Mayor who cracked down on police corruption in the 20's.

So when this new iWatch program comes out I really have to laugh and wonder who is really going to get involved in this shit. I mean, just take a look at this advertisement for the program and then finish reading my rantings on it. I implore you to add a comment if you do live in Los Angeles about this subject;

I know the word gets tossed around a lot these days but how much more Orwellian can you get than that? I mean, yes. The broad with the red hair is really hot, but don't let that fog your view on this message that you should be ratting out your neighbor. Especially if they're Indian.

You just know that the Indian girl in the ad was arrested for terrorism after this video. There's no way that didn't happen afterwards. Gotta detain her to ask questions later...

Let me give this a try.. "I would like to report a bunch of Marxist taking over the Federal Government and violating the constitutional right to free speech, private property, confiscation of property, and violations of the 2nd and 10th amendments... Whatcha gonna do about that, LAPD? "

Hmm, I guess that didn't work. Maybe I was just shooting to high in my expectations. More than likely this is going to be used by annoying neighbors to complain about the loud college kids down the hall.

"Hello, iWatch? My nieghbor is playing loud music. Oh, that's not a crime? Well, that towel head looks like he's up to something. What with his shifty eyes and what not. Clearly he's a terrorist of high levels. Speaking a language that isn't G.W.'s English. I dare say, he may be sneaking in drugs and atomic suitcases to bring into our nation. Oh yes, he is loud and I do believe I saw him take into his home a lot of bags of fertilizer. Must be growing a weed plant and selling it on the streets. Yes, go and bust down that door and tell him to turn it down while you beat him in the kidneys with your black stick."

How about that douche bag that changes his oil in our god damn apartment complex? What a fucker! That's not where you're suppose to drain your oil! Go to Jiffy Lube for that, Mister! You're not welcome to do it here, good sir! I'm going to call the LAPD hotline for Terrorism on him at any given time and it gives me great freedom to know this. They will arrive at his house with some ugly up-armored vehicle and blast his door down like he lives in Baghdad. Grenades and shotguns cocked, locked and ready to pull the trigger. No Mercy, No Warrant. He is brown and that's all the Hotline needs to know - They need nothing more because we have Modern laws.....

Yes Officer, I did see him collaborating with some A-Rabs... no, I was unable to overhear what he said but I am sure they mentioned Weapons Of Mass Destruction, yes, whole suitcases full and an unregistered Cadillac rented by Joe Biden... the Vice President, none other Sir... of course I have identification. I am a fulltime Doctor hired by ESPN to keep Terrell Owens alive on the Bills roster. Trent Edwards is human slime but we must keep The Faith alive so that is why I fly first-class with leather bags full of money and Samoan ritual weapons. You can offer a man a million dollars, but a Ulu Manu speaks in all languages.

Seriously folks. Terrorism is the dumbest of America's conceived bogeymen. This Halloween you don't have to worry about dracula, the werewolf or any other scary monster. You just have to look to your neighbor and assume that they are up to something. The enemy now is you.. (cue in scary music here) and it's really the dumbest shit I had to realize that we are so scared of each other and terrorism.

Then again, Halloween is not new to scares like this. Razor blades in apples and candies are a classic one that is just pretty silly. Though it's a walk in the park considering how hysterical to just about everything else these days.

The World Series

The World Series

Well, it's finally here. After a whole season of baseball it comes down to two teams. Sadly, my Los Angeles Dodgers were eliminated right in the last series, missing the world series by two games and one strike out. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it...

Well, actually, that's exactly the reason I can't enjoy it. E.S.P.N is one of those networks I hate. They're everything that is wrong in sports and most of all, they don't give a shit about anything beyond the Mississippi as they have an East Coast bias and it seems that the two teams that are heading to the world series are.. exactly from the world series.

While I hate the Yankees with a passion, I really don't have any insentive to root for the other team. Not only did they eliminate the Dodgers two years in a row, they also have some pretty stupid fans as you can see from the following two video segments.

And this classic...

So what is a baseball loving boy to do? I mean, I have to watch it, right? I can't just ignore some major end of baseball for the year, right? That's a tough call. I may be prepared to just kiss this whole world series good bye. They got rid of both the Angels AND the Dodgers. Southern California representation in baseball is all gone

They say Baseball is a cruel lover. It comes around in spring when the flowers are blooming and everything is looking pretty, like a new love. And through the summers you enjoy its company as you enjoy some hot dogs, beer and other snacks on a cool summers evening under the spotlights. Only for it to leave you when fall comes and it gets colder and darker. All the time you still love it just the same and you can't wait for the next season to come with the hope that, maybe this year it'll be your turn to celebrate the world series championship in late October.

Till spring time, my summer past time. See you opening day 2010 at Dodger Stadium.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Beaten By Your Man And Other Ways To Lose Your Insurance Plans

Beaten By Your Man And Other Ways To Lose Your Insurance Plans

You really have to love the insurance companies. It's no wonder that they were featured in SAW VI as the victim that you really couldn't give a fuck about them dying. They are all truly the classiest of the classy bunch, I must say. I have no sympathy for those fuckers. Especially when they can claim that Domestic Violence is now considered a pre-existing condition..
In DC and nine other states, including Arkansas, Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Wyoming, insurance companies have gone too far, claiming that "domestic violence victim" is also a pre-existing condition.
Best.Healthcare.In.The.World! I know I'll be labeled a terrorist but it needs to be said "Death To America". I should smack America and then no one will have insurance. Just think about it. One call from your emotionally unstable girlfriend to the cops and your health insurance is gone! You now have to be careful how you handle those domestic disputes.

Just think about how this would undermine the traditional family because spousal abuse could no longer be denied coverage as a pre-existing condition

It turns out that in eight states, plus the District of Columbia, getting beaten up by your spouse is a pre-existing condition.

Under the cold logic of the insurance industry, it makes perfect sense: If you are in a marriage with someone who has beaten you in the past, you're more likely to get beaten again than the average person and are therefore more expensive to insure.

In human terms, it's a second punishment for a victim of domestic violence.

In 1994, then-Rep. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.), now a member of Senate leadership, had his staff survey 16 insurance companies. He found that eight would not write health, life or disability policies for women who have been abused. In 1995, the Boston Globe found that Nationwide, Allstate, State Farm, Aetna, Metropolitan Life, The Equitable Companies, First Colony Life, The Prudential and the Principal Financial Group had all either canceled or denied coverage to women who'd been beaten.
It's really amazing how I can want to really hurt Health Care providers after all these news.. well, it should be said that it's a wonder that any of them can make it to their car each day without getting beaten with bats and other such weapons. I mean, seriously, look at this shit.

Then again, maybe you just lost your job and your spouse has cancer. What will you do then? If you're like the people in this next story, you join the armed forces!

Actually, I'm not going to quote the story. It's way too long to just block quote, but it's the story of a guy who was laid off in March from the chemical plant where he worked, and after 6 months of not being able to find work, he has enlisted in the army so his wife's medical insurance doesn't run out and she can keep getting chemotherapy.

If I were you, I would await the follow up piece in February or so about him being killed by an IED and the army denying health care coverage to his widow.

Though, to be honest, if I was trying to be my evil self, I would say something along the lines of feeling towards this the same way as I would if this was a story about a bank robber having to commit crime to pay for his wife's health care. He is, after all, going out and killing others so his wife could go through chemo and potentially live a couple more years with a deadly disease.

There really has to be another way to go about all this. I mean, if this doesn't show you how fucked up our society is that a man has to go out and kill another culture in order for the government to cover his wife's health care, then I don't know what is.

What do I have to do to get some mother fucking health care in this system? Go out and kill a health care executive? Just remember ladies, if you get beaten up, it's a pre-existing condition. Let's sing altogether now....

Cutting The Big Cheese

Cutting The Big Cheese

Much like it's now hip to be a geek, it seems that the image of another common item in Los Angeles has gotten a make over and has become the latest in thing. Food Trucks are no longer considered roach coaches and eating at one is no longer looked down upon, but because of innovators like Kogi, they've become the latest craze. Spawning people to seek them out on social media tools like Twitter and waiting in hour long lines to place your order.

Considering my career has been in the film and television industry, I am no stranger to the food trucks. In fact, I have looked to them for ages to feed me during lunch and I look to them for cheap and delicious taco cravings. I was a long time supporter of the truck scene when the city took on a strange stance on trying to limit how long they could park in the unincorporated areas of L.A. to when they were fighting with Palos Verde residents on the same issue.

Now that they are hitting the streets as royalty, I suppose it'll be a good time to announce a new truck showing up to the scene. One that from the first of hearing their intention on I have been looking forward to trying. The Grilled Cheese truck is finally hitting the streets tonight!

After teasing us for weeks with amazing twitter updates highlighting some of their amazing foods, including their Mac & Rib Grilled Cheese first seen at the Grilled Cheese invitational, they finally are pulling up to the curb near you.. That is if you're near The Brig in Venice. And if you're not than you'll just have to make the trip. It's late and traffic shouldn't be bad at all. Scroll down and see the pictures and tell me with a straight face that this is not worth the trip.

Normally the spot for the Korean/Mexican fusion Kogi, The Grilled Cheese truck will be setting up base so you can finally try this comfort food starting tonight at their Grand.. opening of their truck shutters tonight at the World Famous Brig starting from 8:30 till 10. If there is any cheese left they'll move on to somewhere else, which you can follow them on their Twitter page to see where and when they'll be grilling.

After the Grilled Cheese Truck leaves the spot Kogi will be rolling in and if you haven't had some Korean BBQ tacos yet, it would be a good chance to try them out. So not only do you get to try something new, but you get to try a now classic street scene delicious food truck item all in one night. Just bring your hunger, some extra cash and you got yourself a combination of fusion food that your stomach will thank you for.

They first announced the news of this grand opening on Twitter with a surprising "Well, THE WAIT IS OVER AND IT'S TIME TO MELT! Who's busy Tuesday evening? Meet us on the Westside....? CheesyMac&Rib w/ some tots anyone?"

And while it was only limited to 140-characters, it was still news to drop everything for and prepare your appetite for. What else can you look forward to? Since man was not meant for grilled cheese alone, you can lick your lips for some dessert in the true grilled cheese fusion method in a Marshmallows, Nutella and Banana sandwich.

So come out and welcome Chef Dave Danhi and Executive Officer Michele as they bring about a new level of cheese to the LA truck scene. You'll not only get a great meal, but you'll also be in on the ground floor on the latest food truck in the city.

I hope to have an interview with David and Michele in the future about their new Cheesy venture, so be on the look for that soon as well as the whereabouts of The Grilled Cheese Truck, Tonight after the Brig in Venice and near a parking curb near you in the future.

You can find any news and updates for the Grilled Cheese Truck on their website and on their updated daily twitter page

The Brig is located at 1515 Abbot Kinney Blvd. Venice, CA 90291-3888
Official Website of The Brig

Photos via grlldcheesetruk twitpic page - All Rights Reserved

Monday, October 26, 2009

Your Virginity Back Via Mail Order

Your Virginity Back Via Mail Order

With this being the month of Halloween, you would imagine that getting fake blood packs wouldn't be that difficult. But sure enough, they went ahead and surprised everyone. By "they" I mean Japan. That crafty country sure has a way of making all sorts of useful and cheaply priced products.

So what the hell am I talking about? The Artificial Virginity Hymen, of course!

Artificial Hymen

USD 29.90
Product ID: 2299

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

This Adult Sex Toy Feature:

  • Easy to use
  • Place inside vagina 15-20 minutes before intercourse
  • Soluble and expandable at body heat
  • Clinically proven non-toxic to human
  • No side effects, no pain to use, no allergic reaction
  • Made in Japan

This item will be shipped from China

Wow, what the fuck. I mean, seriously? Is this really pressing matters? I suppose so as it seems that not everyone is happy by the creation of this invention. As you'll see that Egypt is shitting a brick over it.
A leading Egyptian scholar has demanded that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the country should face the death penalty.
Abdul Mouti Bayoumi said supplying the item was akin to spreading vice in society, a crime punishable by death in Islamic Sharia law.
The device is said to release liquid imitating blood, allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night.
There is a stigma about pre-marital sex in conservative Arab societies.
The contraption is seen as a cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery, which is carried out in secret by some clinics in the Middle East.
It is produced in China and has already become available in other parts of the Arab world.
The device is reported to be on sale in Syria for $15.
Professor Bayoumi, a scholar at the prestigious al-Azhar University, said it undermined the moral deterrent of fornication, which he described as a crime and one of the cardinal sins in Islam. Members of parliament in Egypt have also called for banning import of the item.
I suppose if the current trends continue, China will surpass America as the world's biggest cultural imperialist by 2030. Not to mention the global target of hate by 2015. I mean, color me surprised that there is a stigma about pre-martial sex in Islamic countries. I would have never had guessed. But really does a busted hymen really mean you're not pure?

Let's take a look at the main causes of hymen tearing or breakage:
* Strenuous exercise (Gymnastics, sports, martial art, horse riding, etc)
* Premarital Sex
* Childhood accident (Hard object)
* Wearing a tampon for the first time

This could give cover to weak-willed progressive men wanting to look the other way on their brides' previous exploits. It's pretty easy to feign belief when props are involved. What is the saying? Let's put on a show. Go with the motion. You just have to role play here and it will all be good.

Though it really doesn't scratch the surface of the real issue here. Why would you really want to fuck a virgin? Anyone who wants to fuck a virgin has never fucked a virgin before. Otherwise they'd never want to fuck one to begin with. It's a conundrum, really. Why would any culture place such a high value on the certainty of terrible sex?

I mean, seriously. It's going to be awkward and strange. You're not going to know which way to move or what to do or even what things are suppose to feel like. Do we really want someone with a lack of experience doing things for us? I certainly wouldn't want a surgeon that is a virgin at the procedure that he's about to do on me. Give me someone that can get the job done right.

To bad they're $30 or you could use them every time and be like that girl in True Blood. Jessica? Jennifer? I dunno. Whatever Hot red head Vampire's name is, that's gotta get old pretty fast. I do wonder why they don't have anything for the guy who needs to pretend it's his first time? Something like a really tight cock ring so he'll blow his load in 20 seconds?

In short, this is stupid and people who go after virgins to be Christopher Columbus are just as awful as Christopher Columbus himself. I mean, who else could rape and pillage cultures and people left and right and be praised? Virgin sex is really stupid and if you're valuing your virginity for the sanctity of marriage, then you're in for some truly awful wedding night adventures.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Keeping An Open Ear For A New Moon

Keeping An Open Ear For A New Moon

How embarrassing this must be. I feel like a republican getting caught in the restroom with another women.. or even worse, another man, shortly after making a speech about the sanctity of marriage. It's like I just got caught doing some double standard I would normally be rebelling against or talking so much shit about.

You see, you caught me. Or more to the point, I'm just fessing up to this. I listened to the soundtrack to the new Twilight movie, New Moon. But there's a pretty good reason why. After the album dropped both in record stores last week as well as its fair share of panties, I'm sure, I was told that I should take a listen to this compilation.

At first I chuckled, nay, laughed in the persons instant messengers virtual face. My disgust for this franchise said no, but my taste in music says yes. That factoed with the realization that I had nothing else to download lead me down the road to where I am now writing this. To my surprise, it's a really surprisingly good soundtrack. I mean, take a look at the list of artist on this thing;

1. Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox 3:44
2. Band Of Skulls - Friends 3:09
3. Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage 5:04
4. Lykke Li - Possibility 5:06
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song 3:34
6. Anya Marina - Satellite Heart 3:33
7. Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix) 3:12
8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Roslyn 4:49
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong 2:49
10.Hurricane Bells - Monsters 3:16
11.Sea Wolf - The Violet Hour 3:32
12.OK Go - Shooting The Moon 3:18
13.Grizzly Bear - Slow Life 4:21
14.Editors - No Sound But The Wind 3:48
15.Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow) 4:09

For such a mainstream soundtrack to a pile of dog shit that is the Twilight franchise, they sure got themselves a pretty extensive list of Indie bands that would make any hipster and scenster wet themselves. I have to say it again, that's a large amount of Indie credibility that they have going on one disc. It's so sharp that you should watch your wrist as it could cut them.. and not just for show!

How could you not get down with your emo self with stuff like “Possibility” sung by the Swedish indie artist Lykke Li on the cd? Looking into the way the disc came to be should have been a good justification as to why it carries the sound style it does. It's said that the soundtrack selection reflects the film's cracked out teenbopper love stories direction that this new Twilight film will carry.

The artist and songs were chosen to portray that aloneness. And really, when you're all the way up in the sticks areas of Washington state, aloneness is really all you have going for yourself. I should know. I was a simple couple of hours away from the little shit hole area that this franchise takes place and from what I hear, it's become the tween destination. I say screw it, just go to Seattle and enjoy the delicious foods and leave it at that.

Now, there's been some really good soundtracks this past year. I loved Away We Go for the way it set up the movie's mood and just how it progressed the story. 500 Days Of Summer was another one that, well, needs no explanation as I've already written at least two blogs about it. So to put up a soundtrack from the Twilight series next to those is a bit crazy. But it's absolutely true.

I couldn't care any less about this movie franchise. I saw the first one in Rifftrax form, so know I only watched it so I can berate and make fun of how utterly awful it was. I mean, I struggled with myself. Do I admit that I enjoy this soundtrack or do I delete all the artists who contributed to this from my computer? Until I heard it all, I didn't know for a second. The end result is that I have no interest in the film and will more than likely never watch it unless really drunk or it's being mocked. The soundtrack, though, is really good.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Horror Films Ripped From The Headlines: Saw VI

Horror Films Ripped From The Headlines: Saw VI

It shouldn't come as a surprise that horror films are popping up leading to the festival holiday of Halloween next week. This week's new release of Saw VI is like old faithful. Right on time as usual, like it has been for the past five years. Only this time there's something odd.. Something different about this years snuff film.

I mean, they're typically gore filled and thinly lined excuses for people to jerk off to torture, but this year they're taking it to a new level of snuff porn by making it a sort of ripped from the headlines type of subject matter. Take a look at the trailer;

I have to say, they make maybe 1 or 2 good horror films a year and Saw isn't in the title of any of those. Saw is typically torture porn for people with bad taste. I mean, the franchise has been filled with literally the exact same content in each. I know I've seen at least two SAW films but since they're so much alike and unmemorable I literally can not tell them apart. They're completely indistinguishable.

But hey, let's not go on some random internet bloggers point of view, let's go see what the critics are saying about this in their reviews. From the New York Times review
The film goes all trendy in its selection of victims: instead of being punished because they take their lives for granted, which had a certain classicism to it, they’re now punished for being mortgage lenders or health-insurance adjusters.
Which makes you wonder if the movie critics in the pockets of big insurance now? I don't know about you, but more movies need serial killers who go after people like executives. Why hasn't there been a smut gore film made about killing Bank CEOs yet? Let's get a remake on Wall Street already and make it so.

What this does is make the main character the anti-hero. You have to hate the health care executive in this film. He did it to himself as the reason why he's in the SAW traps is because he denied the health care plan of one fella who ended up dying. So, you know, you really can't cheer for the guy. I sure hate it when horror film victims deserve to die. It ruins the suspense. It just makes me want them to die.

Look at that video clip, the joke in there is that the guy can only choose to save 2. Any real health care provider would just kill all 6 of them and Jigsaw will be all "What the fuck, dude! I went pretty far in setting up those traps." Then again, the clip shows he at least saves the white girl. Way to go, you racist fuck. Again, how can I cheer for him when I want him to die?

I wonder what sort of message this will wind up sending to the average movie view. Jigsaw is evil, therefore what he does is evil, and what he does is kill people. Namely douche bag Health Care provider assholes. If only the message can be spread the killing people is evil unless those people are evil and since jigsaw is evil he could not be killing people that are good, so these people must be good.. Fuck, now everyone is confused.

If it popularizes the idea of revenge killings against CEOs among even just angsty teens, then that's pretty cool. It's a whole lot more productive than that Anarchy phase that they seem to go through. At least it's getting something done in the world that's productive. It is pretty funny that the more I think about it, because the trailers it seems to indicate that a big plot point of SAW VI is that jigsaw's philosophy is spreading. I wont what else is "spreading" and would influence people to kill innocent, hard-working bankers and insurance executives.Oh yes, poverty..

Though, I heard on NPR that the armed services actually got an increase and for the first time in 30 years they actually meet their quota of voluntary recruits. It seems that in these tough economical times, the only constant paying gig is the armed forces.. The double edged sword to all this is that these films desensitizes people to violence which makes people more inclined to support military action. So perhaps we shouldn't allow people to watch torture porn like this. I'm pretty sure that the US has killed more people in Iraq than every psycho serial killer in history put together. Gotta keep that #1 status some how.

This idea of ripping ideas from the headlines isn't anything new. Though I have to say that it's happening way too often in ways that isn't the most healthiest. Earlier this year District 9 came out and well, it just made me want to shoot a Blackwater mercenary soldier with an alien pig gun. But to be perfectly honest, I wanted to do long before I saw District 9. The message was pretty clear though, hired assholes for government weapons and development companies need to die.

Then a couple of weeks ago Paranormal Actvity came out. In it a couple is haunted by a demon that has followed a girl with huge tits since she was a little girl and is now causing havoc for her and her Day Trader boyfriend. In the end, (OMG SPOILERS!), The demon used the possessed big boobed girl to kill the douchebag day trader after weeks of him openly mocking the demon. I couldn't feel bad for the guy because, come on, he was a fucking day trader who deserved to die. If not for being a douche bag, for putting us in this economical situation we are in today.

So it leaves me with, as mentioned before, victims that truly deserved it. Totally ruining the horror and suspense of it all. Does it make for good entertainment? I suppose. But in some cases, like SAW, it's more torture porn than anything else. I mean, I'm conflicted. Do I watch film smut and enjoy it for the torture of some health insurence executive or do I avoid it? Even if he's entirely evil in every way, no one deserves torture, right? Fuck it, when even saw is making a political statement you know our system has gone to hell in a handbasket. Burn it all down. Burn the entire system to the fucking ground!

Halloween Costumes 2009

Halloween Costumes 2009

With Halloween only a week away I still don't have any idea what I will be dressed as. Then again, it's this time of year and so far I haven't raged against the Halloween costume marketing machine for only making outfits that have "sexy" in front of them, or for that matter just look completely awful in every way.

I've gotten over the idea of going against the idea of a sexy costume. While it may be an excuse to show off your body, it is exactly that. An excuse to show off ones body. People will be wearing very little to nothing. As a guy I should encourage that. I mean, it is to my benefit to drool over, right? Sure, I could get my girlfriend to wear something "sexy" for such a festive holiday that was once meant for children to receive candy. Though I would hope that she'd be willing to wear that on days that aren't filled with trick or treating and behind closed doors that will only let me enjoy what she's wearing..

But enough about that boasting, let's get on to the real meat and potatoes here. Me bashing Halloween costumes a week before Halloween. I recently stumbled upon a site that offers the worst in costume for hire. It's the Halloween gift that keeps giving when you think about it. These, Ladies and Gentlemen, are the ultimate in Halloween apparel via Dublin Costumes best of the best in truly awful costumes with such classic costumes as:

Binliner Roman!

What child will not like to see their parents dressed as Shrek!

I had to question the usefulness of this one. I mean, is this a Stripper cop? This one looks like they dressed a New York bum in the costume and took his picture in exchange for a sandwich.

Let's not forget the real movie stars that all the kids want to dress as. Namely C3PO!

I assume they are making money off these. Do you remember that Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark story about the scarecrow when you were a kid?

It looks like he came to life and is now called Bob the Builder.

But don't think we're done yet. I don't know if you've heard about this little known War that is taking place in the Stars, but this is what they call a Storm Trooper.

Oh yeah, you'll get mad pussy dressed in that one. But hey, you'll be catching all that booty as a Poke Mon.

See, Poke Mon Monster. So when you tell the ladies what you're dressed as and they don't believe you or just think you're being crude, you show them your clothing tag.

How about this PLANET APE costume. There's no "Of The" in that, by the way. It's like he's judging you. Like if he's better than you.

Fucking Ape.

But who wants to get more tail than this costumed character;

Spreading the good word on wrapping it up for countless years now. Hey, who knows. You may even be able to pick up the hot ladies like this fine honey;

I know, you don't want to dress like a woman. Not even a fat one. Why not a traditional Halloween costume like Batman?

Wait a minute...

When he's alone it's Batman, but with Robin, he becomes Bat Hero? Looks like someone doesn't want to get sued.

Then you have this $1,300 costume of a crow with downs.

I mean, that's gotta be money well spent. Though I would gladly wear this next costume to a convention as long as I could spend the whole time getting really close to people and not saying anything.

I wouldn't even have to hold a sign advertising "Free Hugs", they'll be an automatic given with so many arms.

No way will I have to wear this Darth Vader in his juicy couture sweatpants costume.

The force is not with this man. But at least he's not as scary as The Tin Man

It's even more terrifying than seeing him on High Definition Blu Ray.

But let's get back to reality here...

That smile... That smile could seduce Mother Teresa.

Ah, yes. I do remember fondly the story of...

That has to be an error in translation. Why would you want to call it Alice in Wonder Place? I mean, it's not even copyrighted any more. The story is public domain. Don't be scared that Disney will get you. On the other hand, I should take this moment to point out that Alice or Dorothy style dresses.. yeah, those hit the spot just right.

Ok, back to Halloween costumes. Here's Homer groping Marge. Which is really top on my list of awesomely awful costumes.

But this next costume.. I'm not even sure. It's suppose to be considered "Sexy" and all, but I can just imagine having to explain your costume to people, which will get frustrating at a party very quickly.

Who're you supposed to be?
Hot cherry pie.
You're...a pie?
Why do you have an apron?
Well...'cause...I guess I'm not really a pie, I'm like...a baker...
You do have a crust, though.
I guess it'd be...both, then?
So you're like an amalgam of the pie itself and the person who makes the pie?
That's the closest approximation. Look, is this turning you on or isn't it!?

Then again, it does look like it is made out of Human flesh.

Yeah, I'm not sure anyone wants to go as a Duck with a bladder problem.

Or as Pedo-stach i mean Garfy..

Good Grief! That last costume is just awful. Why doesn't Snoop Dog have a microphone? That clearly isn't the D-o- double G that we're all used to.

In the end, it really doesn't matter what you dress up as Halloween. It's a holiday that is mainly for kids and those who want to continue being a kid. I'm reaching my 30's. and I suppose I shouldn't really care what I'm dressed as, right? As long as there's plenty of "Sexy ______" around that aren't tired of being a kid.. or at least slutty looking to provide as visual treats, then perhaps it would be a typical Halloween in the City of Angels.