Friday, April 30, 2010

51st State of Mind - Puerto Rico

51st State of Mind - Puerto Rico

For all of you who are secretly looking to visit all the great states that make up this land of ours, as well as for those of you who own flags.. get ready, you may have to do some adjusting.... Why? Well because Puerto Rico may become our 51st state!
The U.S. House of Representatives will vote tomorrow on The Puerto Rico Democracy Act (HR2499), which includes the holding of a plebiscite in Puerto Rico to decide if it wants statehood. In other words to decide if Puerto Rico wants to be the 51st state of the United States of America.

Reuters reports that it is expected the House will pass the Puerto Rico statehood bill HR2499. However, we don't know what will happen in the Senate. If approved by both the House and the Senate and signed into law by the U.S. President Barack Obama HR2499 will formally consult the citizens of Puerto Rico on their preferred political status if they want a U.S. statehood or continue to maintain their current status.

U.S. is giving parental blessings for the first time in 112 years to Puerto Rico to vote for its future status.

If HR2499 is passed the government of Puerto Rico can amend its constitution and come up with a second constitution with options of U.S. statehood, current status or even an independence.

Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory since 1898. It is self-governing, but depends on Washington in matters of defense, monetary policy, immigration and customs.

The issue of people's self-determination is on the agenda and of concern to other European countries as well. Consider the frozen conflicts in Moldova, Georgia and Azerbaijan. One of the recent successful cases in the world is the case of Kosovo. The conducted a referendum and voted for independence from Serbia. Serbia has not recognized it, but the world has. There is peace now in the Balkans.

Next case may be Azerbaijan. Nagorno Karabakh, a majority Armenian populated enclave in Azerbaijan is a de facto independent republic. After seemingly endless negotiations a formula for peace is put forward by the Minsk group mediators. According to the scheme the liberated territories adjacent to Nagorno Karabakh will be returned to Azerbaijan in exchange of the latter's recognition of of Nagorno Karabakh's right to self-determination and referendum. Azerbaijan is afraid that referendum will lead to independence because the Christian Armenian population does not want to leave in the same country with Azerbaijan because of the cultural differences and past oppressions.

The move by the United States to give its paternal blessing with the passage of HR2499 for Puerto Rico status, whether its statehood or independence, may send a peace message to Azerbaijan, Georgia and Moldova to recognize the change in the global dynamics that the 21st century is the end of colonization and beginning of peace.
And there's absolutely no way this will pass the Senate. In fact, I'm taking bets on the losing spread. Just think about it for a second. It passed the house with much controversy. There's literally no way on gods green earth 100 of the world's most selfish assholes would dilute their voting power by 2 for some place that most of them couldn't even point to on a map. I mean, we all know that 100 senators will of course vote for it because the United States is a shining beacon of liberty, right?

"I choose to give more voting power to brown colored people" - No senator ever

I do wonder how many people against PR statehood could actually point it out on a map.

Puerto Whereco??? -Americans

The scary thing is that Puerto Rico, if a state, will likely put Republicans in power. They are highly conservative when it comes to social matters due to tight catholic upbringing but they also have things in there that most liberal would kill for in the states. They have a public health option but it's only given out to the poor, you can scare shitless most establishments that try to fuck with your consumer rights cause they have fully functioning and ruthless consumer rights agency called DACO.

If PR becomes the 51st state, the whole identity of the current parties in there would dissolve since the only thing that separates them from each other is their position on when it comes to statehood/independence/pragmatism.

Puerto Rico being a state and maintaining Spanish as their principle language could also have a real positive effect against "English only" and other anti-brown laws around the country targeting immigrants and Latino citizens.

Though, hasn't Puerto Rico itself voted multiple times not to become a state? Yeah, it's been over 10 years since the last vote and recent polling has been fairly even along the 'eh who cares not like they want us' or 'no fuck em' lines, and if we actually show 'hey why don't you come on in and get actual representation' to them, I'm sure they may be more positive to the idea.

So right now it's looking decent but any poll isn't a good gauge until we can get some US side reaching out to them. Not to mention the American racist. I can't even imagine what people would do if Puerto Rico actually became a state. I'm pretty sure that people in the south are still calling for the deportation of Puertoriquenos. And if they did, just imagine the tea bagger shit storm, a Hispanic state where white people can't try to force the browns out. It's their nightmare come to life.

Oh Glen Beck, you're such a moron...

So how did the voting go down yesterday in allowing Puerto Ricans to decide their own political future and relationship with the United States? The vote was 223 to 169. Rep Louse Slaughter, D-N.Y. voted present. The Republicans attempted to add provisions to the legislation that would have made English the official language of a potential Puerto Rican state.

Yes, that's right. Every Hispanic Republican is human garbage. There is no denying that. they are literally trash.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

April 26th 1992

April 26th 1992

First off, Sublime sucks. It was NOT April 26th like the song suggest but rather April 29th. But then again, we were young and didn't know any better. Yes, they said it was for the black man. They said it was for the Mexican and not for the white man. But if you look at the streets, it wasn't about Rodney King, it's this fucked-up situation and these fucked-up police.

Today is the day we remember that L.A. was on fire 18 years ago. If it was a person, it could buy itself some cigs so that it could do something with the flames that it was causing. I think we've advanced so much in under two decades. Rodney King would have been tased to death in today's climate of police brutality. I mean, really. If you're going to acquit cops of beating the shit out of a guy when that's clearly what they did, don't do it with an all-white jury. That's just silly talk.

It was a day that old white California gun owners old enough to have been there didn't mind it, since it meant they got to drive around with guns sticking out of their car windows without anyone having a care in the world. It was the most pertinent examples gun nuts could use to justify gun ownership. The police department had written off entire areas of the city and weren't responding to calls, so if you weren't armed, good fucking luck.

That Sublime song is fucking stupid and has not a goddamn thing on the Dr. Dre song about the riots. But hey, it's not "alternative" and is just considered crude because it's rap. W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r, yo. This track is the shiz-net!

The day the riot started was surreal. It was still contained to Florence and Normandie at that point, but everyone knew that since the police weren't moving in they were just going to let the city burn. The supermarkets were packed with people buying food and water. Two days later all the stores had been looted and most burned down.

And for all of you who believe that they were morons for burning their own shit and destroying their own neighborhoods. As if they should have thought for a minute and driven the 10 miles to Beverly Hills and wrecked that instead of destroying South Central, don't think that didn't cross their minds. How exactly do you get an angry mob to drive 5 miles north? Well, I would imagine something along these lines.
"Hey guys, we're angry and we wont to wreck shit, but let's destroy the property of some rich people that is literally 5 minutes away instead of engaging in mass cannibalism"

"Oh.. Okay!"
I just have to ask what the hell is wrong with you. They would have loved to burn whitey's house down but the police kept the blacks pinned in their own areas. The on and off ramps for the 110 free way were specifically closed to keep the worst of the rioting confined to South Central. I had friends who lived in Long Beach at the time, just near where the nice area and the bad area bordered and he tells me that the police setup shop just a few blocks east of him so that all the stuff on the east side was spared but all the stuff on his street and to the west and north got looted.

The L.A. riots had to be about one of the worst possible things that couldn't have happened. People like to pretend like it somehow "woke LA up" and all that but literally all it did was feed into already pretty strong stereotypes about all races and give everybody an excuse to keep hating each other for a few more decades. The generation of white people that was alive and aware during the riots are now permanently disabled in terms of their ability to support any serious positive social change.

The riots are also pretty much the most important consideration when you're looking at the social implications of the OJ Simpson trial as well. White people pretty much saw the moral of the LA Riots being "Black people want you dead" and then the OJ trail being "they're going to get away with it too!" People felt like it was literally Civil War 2 happening in front of them.

At the time I was twelve years old and probably playing with legos or something. And it's only fitting that just a few days ago Daryl Gates had a long funeral march through Los Angeles. Though it was a pretty crazy 6 days to live through and I can remember most of it. That was some crazy shit indeed.

So perhaps you could take a moment to remember when Los Angeles was burning and perhaps some lessons should be learned from all this racial tension, especially over in Arizona. I mean, it's not like you really want that on your hands and you sure as hell don't have enough room in tent city for all the Mexican looking people, right Sheriff Joe?

I'll take you out with some Ice Cube;

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Fox News - All Over Pussy News

Fox News - All Over Pussy

As a conservative station I'm constantly confused as to what Fox news is actually trying to "report" on. In this weeks situation, it's Pussy Glitter.
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently decorated her nether regions with Swarovski crystals, turning her naughty bits into -- her words -- a "pink disco ball."

It’s called Vajazzling. Like Bedazzling, you know? That infomercial about putting rhinestones on your clothes? Only this is no denim vest enhanced by a handheld machine that you can get for just $19.95 if you call right now. With vajazzling, you go into a high-end salon, get waxed bare, and are bejewled below the belt.

The procedure goes something like this: You choose your design and they wax you bare as the day you were born. Then the design is hand-glued, crystal by crystal, or a crystal "tattoo" is applied. Generally, the vajazzling is done just above the, well, key player, as it were. Having it done any further down is not recommended, though from Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she went all out. Some women have a very small, simple design done high enough that low-slung jeans will reveal a glimmer. But the real thing is as low as you dare to go. Basically, where the hair was, now there are crystals.

So, in the name of journalism, I decided I had to get vajazzled myself.

I’ve been vajazzled for a few days now and the adhesive is still going strong (although the instructions say you should leave the decals on for only eight hours. Yikes). Completely Bare says its version lasts at least five days. My next trip to New York City, I am definitely paying them a visit.

Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.
My first reaction;

I put some of the more shocking shit in bold. This reporter has had it on for a few days even though they suggest to just keep it on for 8 hours. SAY WHAT?! Woah, fucking gross! That implies that she hasn't washed down there well enough to get glitter off.

Oh man, this reporter always has the best shit stories ever. Not to mention that this is old as fuck. So that means me writing a blog about it, even though I've already mentioned it a long time ago seems like a cop out of a topic. But then again, this is about a female private party - So I'm sure it will get a pass for those of you who just can't help but read about Clitter.

I mean, regardless of this being a tool of the patriarchy, it at least shows that something is wrong with the person. At the very least this is all a symptom of loneliness and depression. A well adjusted human has no reason to modify their pubic region in such a manner. Due to her extreme mental stress she turned her frustrations inwards and mutilated a part of her body.

I don't think I ever was bored enough to suggest that I wanted rhinestones on my penis. Even if it did mean I could say that I want to fuck while "Like a rhinestone cowboy" played. Maybe I should just get my testicles vajazzled and call them my disco balls. You don't see guys wanting truck nutz for their nuts. Why would someone want some glitter for their clit?

Is the idea to make it pretty? It's not like I'm thinking to myself that I always wanted to make love to a barnacle encrusted chunk of driftwood. But this isn't all that uncommon in the history of man. The Yakuza implant pearls in their dicks for their woman's pleasure. Which reminds me that I need to go to Japan sometime to get that done.

as a man, i do find the general look and presentation of the vagina to be sorely lacking. in fact, they sometimes tend towards the outright grotesque. im glad someone has finally adorned them with some of the things i love: sparkly rhinestones. im gay. It's not like every time I'm "down there" I'm thinking to myself, "why can't this silly little thing look more like Elton John's glasses?". Intelligent design my hot toned botoxed ass!

But this really makes you wonder about Fox's real stance. I mean, their culture stuff is really all over the place, no where near as straight conservative as you or I would think it would be. Actually paying attention on woman's bits instead of mans' is conservative. It's really all about the patriarchal, but I'd think just never mentioning genitals would be more conservative.

Either way, Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice. Maybe they wanted to report on this in an effort to encourage their viewers to vajazzle their hooch with a star spangle image on their vagina. A little red, white and blue all in vajazzles - These cunts don't run.

But just think about every stupid trend like this in the past. There has always been a cheap dangerous equivalent that the poor get. I'm willing to put money down that there's going to be an article about some woman that mutilated her vag because he vajazzled with a hot glue gun and pieces of a broken mirror.

Maybe I just don't get it. Is the mentality here "What could make vagina more fun? Oh yeah, gluing sharp rocks to it!"? To me they look like sparkly herpes blisters and their only function will be used for strategic covering up of actual herpes blisters. I mean, this was a joke just a few years ago....

I guess I did always wonder why clams didn't wear pearls on the outside. Now when some hot vajazzled hot chick goes skinny dipping in the sea, they'll be able to hear submarine maracas as they slap their shells like the foreheads they wish had the forethought to evolve. I guess this is better than a hairy pussy, I reckon. We're not in the 70's anymore. Try to get that trimmed FYI.

Maybe it is all about feeling empowered. You get to control how your junk looks and how it's appealing to the opposite sex or something. But.. it seems pretty pointless. I'm a guy, I can tell you up front that I love me some titties and vag. I will do anything for them. How is that not empowering in itself, women?! Maybe you should realize that a females success doesn't just lie between her legs. But please don't start putting sparkle shit on your boobs.

While I'm sure I can rant on for a long time about genital sparkles, but how about I close this out with various puns for this little craze?

Pussy Grillz
Pud Diamond
Pubic Zirconia
Diamonds on the muff
2-carat cooch curtains
DeBeered Clam
blood diamonds
Shine on you crazy Vagina
The Diamond Cuntel
Lucy has a pie with diamonds
Once a month you get Blood Diamonds

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack clits on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched sparkly vagina glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

In the end the Vajazzler is like the Henna of the Tattoo world. It's for pussies that don't have the balls to pierce. All I know is that for virgins who finally get the chance to have sex with someone and it's with someone who Vajazzled themselves they can really say

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Putting The Coke Back In Cola

Putting The Coke Back In Cola

It's a tough lesson, but when you finally realize that you can't put the genie back in the bottle and accept that as a fact, your life will get a whole lot easier. It's no surprise that at one point Coke actually was made with trace amounts of cocaine.. which of course comes from the coca plant.

But since discovering how powerful that drug is, not to mention expensive - they took it out. Now Coke is completely safe... right? Well, in Bolivia they are trying to put that genie back into the bottle.
Coca Colla hopes to create a buzz in Bolivia

By Andres Schipani
BBC News, La Paz, Bolivia

The beverage has a red-and-white label, tastes ultra-sweet, gives you a buzz and - says its producer - it keeps you awake.

But it is not the drink with similar effect and a similar name you might think it is.

An unlikely newcomer has made the world of soft drinks a little more crowded: Bolivia has started producing a new fizzy drink using the coca leaf.

It is called "Coca Colla" after the Colla people, the Andean tribes who cultivate coca in the areas bordering Bolivia, Chile and Argentina.

For some a matter of indigenous pride, for others another sign of Bolivia's growing anti-US feelings, this humble local initiative has set its sights on competing domestically with giants such as Coca-Cola and Red Bull.

The new "energy soft drink" is made by a private company, with a modest initial investment of a $1,000 (£650), but it is backed up by a government policy of industrialising the cultivation of the coca leaf.

The leaf is a key element in the Andean people's culture and economy. However, it is also cocaine's raw material.

That association with drugs is a motivating influence on the drink's creator Victor Ledezma.

"I want to get to the whole world with my coca-leaf-based drink," says Ledezma, a coca farmer from El Chapare region in central Bolivia.

"Coca has a lot of potential … this can change the image of Bolivia as being a drug-trafficking country," he believes.

According to Mr Ledezma, Bolivia's new ally, Iran, has already expressed an interest, having ordered two million bottles.

And some countries in the region, members of the left-wing Alba bloc - mainly Venezuela and Paraguay - are considering not only importing, but also financing Mr Ledezma's project.

"I've developed my own secret formula. I started making the drink at home, based on my beloved but otherwise reviled coca leaf and outsourcing the bottling process," Mr Ledezma says.

"Now we are building a plant in Santa Cruz and aiming to have investments for at least $1m. That's for a start. The whole world should know that coca, besides from its good taste, is good for body and the soul," Mr Ledezma adds.

Now I'm going to get my smug on for a second and just say that I seldom ever drink soda anymore If I do, it's like a rare instance and it has to be something that isn't Pepsi or Coke. There's too much crap in it and the calories seem like a waste on something so mundane. Let's be honest here. Is there any reason that having mild amounts of cocaine in a soda would be worse for you then the massive quantities of HFCS, guarana and caffeine found in most energy drinks like Red Bull and Volt?

It's pretty cool that Evo Morales himself is a coca grower. Just think about how much pure cocaine rules. This is cool because it shows people like drugs and hate American puritanical bullshit. Just think of the motto that could go along with it. Coca Colla - It's A Hell of a Drink! But really, this isn't really any different than what people already drink. One more thing for tourist to do in Bolivia now while they o on that tour where you can buy a shitload of dynamite and blow it up in the middle of nowhere.

On a serious note, Coca production could actually be made a harmless and useful part of the South American/North Andean economy. Not through soda alone, but why would that be a bad thing? Oh wait, I'm encouraging reasonable drug policy? Ha! Yeah it's already in tea. In Peru you can get yourself some coca tea. And no, you won't be addicted to tea afterwords.

Finding alternate profitable uses for coca would do more to decrease cocaine production than any policy the US has taken on the war on drugs in the last 30 years. Same goes for Afghanistan, finding alternate uses for poppies would be an infinitely better solution than literally destroying the livelihoods of rural farmers who would be 1000x more useful as stable and useful allies against the Taliban.

then again US still bans hemp, so yeah. That's not changing any time soon, right. If it wasn't for the pervasive influence of regressive Catholicism, you'd get a lot more of this and a lot less of "GM chicken causes the gay" from socialist latin American leaders.

A couple of days ago was the 25th anniversary of the introduction of New Coke. Just think of how much of a change it would be if Coke actually got in on this. Besides, how does coca cola get away with selling a product called coca cola that contains neither coca nor kola? Oh, what am I saying. Coca Cola still contains coca. The extract is however de-cocainized and the process overseen by the DEA. See, the Chemistry needs to be respected.

Fun Fact: The only reason that coca isn't a mainstay of acceptable western society like other plants from the new world is because coca plants couldn't survive the voyage back to Europe. I can't wait till Latin America and Asia figure out that they possess the perfect situations for growth and export of things every last country on Earth wants, and in return for it, all American can do is give you a pill to keep your boner longer.

Monday, April 26, 2010

In The Year 2000!

In The Year 2000!

Since Coco came through town on his Banned from Television tour this past weekend and the news broke that he will be going to TBS for his new show in November, I thought it would be a nice time to focus on one of his segments. Yes, I do believe it's time to look into the future - The Future?! -Yes, the future. All the way to the year 2000!

What's scary is that I remember watching Conan as a young teenager when all these predictions to the future were actually that, the future. Instead of them all being predictions to the past. But it's not for me to decide. You see, today I have the help of some German Chocolate company to help look all the way into the future... Into the year 2000!

So click on the image and you too will see what the world of 2000 has in store for us!

A Quick Stroll on the Water

What is water to say that we can't tame it and walk all over it. 90% of this planet is water after all. I'll be damned to hell before I give into not being able to walk it. Thankfully in the year 2000 we will all have the means to walk on that clear land we can drink.

The Moving Pavement

I think this is like escalators but with just slabs of floor. In the future we'll be so lazy we wont even want to walk places. Come on slab of concrete, take me places! I'm not sure what appeal this held for the people of the 1900's, but hey, whatever floats your concrete slab, peeps.

House-Moving by Train

I'm not even sure what's the point of this. To move whole city blocks to other cities blocks? I'm not sure exactly. Maybe this is just a grand scale version of mobile homes?

Televised Outside Broadcasting

Slap 3D on that sucker and it'll make millions more! That's what I say!

Personal Flying Machines

Oh please, don't let the future be filled with flying women! A driving one already killed my car. I don't want to see

Weather Control Machine

This one is odd. My limited German it has the label that says "Deutsche Kakao" (German cocoa). Is it spraying cocoa powder into the air? that would be utterly awesome.. and disturbing. I mean, I don't want to drown by chocolate. I'm not a woman, after all.

Combined Ship and Railway Locomotive

Why would you even need this? Do they think that it would actually work the way that they think it would? The folks in the1900's sure didn't realize how deep water was. This is like putting a plane on a boat.

Undersea Tourist Boats

Nothing better than being in a glass dome boat under water. Titanic was thought up by these fools.

Roofed Cities

Now, I'm not sure what the purpose of this is. I mean, don't you have the weather chocolate controller at your disposal? And where would those personal air planes land if the roof is there? Hmm, maybe this will be sort of roof top parking? Still seems silly. How will they light the place?

Personal Airships

No thank you. No need for these with the above mentioned roof cities.

Summer Holidays at the North Pole

What pussies will the people in the year 2000 be that they need to go to the North Pole when it's hot in their own area? besides, Santa's not even going to be there.

Police X-Ray Surveillance Machine

Something about this just seems voyeuristic. That cop isn't doing much about this crime in progress but watching. I'm not even sure how this even works out right. So the thing sees through walls and then what? Why couldn't they just use that projector television in the early shot?

And so you have it. That's your sneak peak into the world in the year 2000! Oh man, I can't wait for such a day!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Bible Baddies

The Bible Baddies

It's Sunday. You know what that means. Time to praise Jesus! OOOOh yeah! But while in the middle of the talking in tongues you should stop for a minute and check out the top ten villains in the bible, according to The Christian Handbook
1. Satan
2. The serpent
3. Pharaoh (probably Set I or Rameses II)
4. Goliath
5. Jezebel
6. King Herod
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
8. Judas
9. Pontius Pilate
10. God's people

-- The Christian Handbook
First off, WRONG! The greatest villain is humanity. I think there's no doubt about that. I could end this blog post right now, but then I wouldn't have as much fun, being that I'm part of the greatest villains of humanity, right. Instead, let's actually look at the real villains on this list and who actually is bad.

Satan isn't a villain. Satan is just a dude doing his job, you people need to get off his back already. Satan killed like 10 dudes. God killed like 100 million. Maybe you theists should consider who the REAL evil is.

Then let's even get into that detail of the ten or so dudes that Satan kills.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19
Ah, so Satan's ten kills were the result of a dare/prop bet from God. Apart from the whole 'rebellion' thing, did Satan actually do anything bad in the bible or did he just get slandered a lot? I mean, seriously, what kind of chump thinks Satan is the villain of the bible, not the hero?

God made Satan as one of his angels, god is omnipotent - which means he can see the future, therefore because god knew that Satan would turn but created him anyway, god is the most evil entity in the universe. If you were the omnipotent, omnipresent Abrahamic god, the only moral thing to do would be to kill yourself.

The number one on that list should read as follows;
1. God- Wrecks shit constantly.
God's reaction to everything seems to be pretty much the same - Devastate the entire city it took place in. You can't forget God when thinking of bible Villains. Consider the story of brothers Onan and Er. Er did something to piss off God (he was 'wicked', who knows what that means) so God fucking killed him. Then God told Onan to have sex with Er's wife. Onan reluctantly complied, after all, God is a fucking sociopath who kills you for no good reason. When he was about to cum, he pulled out and jizzed on the ground instead of inside his sister-in-law, which God killed him for.

The moral of this Bible story is that God is a fucking psycho and when he tells you to rape your sister-in-law, you'd better fucking cum inside her if you know what's good for you. Wouldn't want a single drop of sperm to go to waste. Hear that? You masturbating angers god. God is literally a sociopath with a gun making you rape your family. If you think I'm exaggerating, read the story, it's really something.

Look at that cute painting of Onan. He looks like he just came or got killed, turns out it was both. Really makes you think - The old testament God was way rowdier than new testament god. He really seemed to calm down and get his act together once he had that kid.

I know that's a bit much to take in. I haven't even gotten to the point where God demands 6 golden rats and 6 golden hemorrhoids. He's a sure fire asshole, but the guy clearly has a sense of humor of some kind, right? Maybe we should look at some of the others who made that list and see if they actually belong.
7. The Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes
I like how they put this down instead of just "The Jews". One could argue that this is more the biblical equivalent of "ivory tower elitists". But that fails to account for the fact that the Pharisees and Sadducees were two sects of Judaism account for about 99% of Jews in the world at the time. Modern Orthodox Jews are, in terms of their practices and beliefs, identical to the Pharisees. The Sadducees simply died out.

So saying "The Pharisees" are uber-villains is either profoundly ignorant of what the term means and of history, or simply a polite way of saying "THE JEWS". The authors of the list are probably just dumb though. The Pharisees are considered to be the "overly legalistic" class, not the conservative orthodoxy though those have quite a bit of overlap.

Speaking of the Jews, let's not forget the original bible OG Cain. Fool straight up invented murder, killed somebody before God even. But then again we go back to the start and realize who built this murderer? God. Yup, if this was a CSI episode, all the evidence would be pointing back to God as the main asshole.

Who I'm also surprised not to see on that list - Delilah or Eve. Hell, most notable women in the bible aren't exactly notable for their virtues. Perhaps they needed some more feminist back in the ol' bible times to even things out. Bet you'd be reading about a lot fewer whores. I mean, let's face it. Lilith owned. That girl had massive game. Though after the divorce when Adam went for a younger and straight from his rib model girl, she had to get the boot. Know what I'm sayin'.

There's an old saying - Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. So with that, I guess I should just bust out the better list of the Bible Villains.

#1) The Prophet Muhammed
#2) Romans
#3) Satan
#4) Eve
#5) Dinosaurs
#6) Jews
#7) Blacks
#8) Mexicans
#9) Trojanman
#10) Pedophiles
#11) Pedophile priests

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Capitalism - The Great Ponzi Scheme

Capitalism - The Great Ponzi Scheme

A couple of days ago I told you about how the SEC is investigating Goldman Sachs for fraud charges, well guess who is reporting a record first quarter profit...
Goldman earns $3.3B in 1Q as fraud case looms

NEW YORK – Goldman Sachs Group Inc. said Tuesday its first-quarter earnings almost doubled to $3.3 billion as its trading business again surpassed the rest of the financial industry.
Heh, Capitalism... I'm sure that 1 million dollar fine from the SEC will sure teach them not to ever defraud the public again!

I guess I should be looking at the bright side. Think of all the jobs they can make now. Oh yeah. the wealth is trickling down on me... it's all over my face!!! Look at that - 90% increase in profits. Then again, it's easy to make a profit when you're selling dud stocks and loans that you're betting against.

Oh man, 3.3 billion dollars by making stuff up. The value of this item is based off the value of this other item which I just made up. I know, I know. Slow down there, can you have somebody's neighbor's kid making hundreds of thousands of dollars put this in Excel or Powerpoint form? Hmm, nah. Actually it's more like stealing. But hey, if you believe Goldman, do I have a bridge in Brooklyn, would you like to buy it? It's quite large.

Give me your money, I promise I'll be good with it! You may think that what goldman sachs does is absolutely vital to the American economy, but I think it's mainly just rampant corruption. The bestest is when you hear someone mention they've bought shares of goldman sachs because "those guys are the best". In fact, if you own any goldman sachs stock you are a thief and a murderer.

I like NYC but burn the place to the ground already just to ger rid of old mans sacks. Burn NYC down... Oh god, imaginary feds, please don't hurt me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean that as a threat! Please Feds, there is nothing that I love more than the United States of America.

But it does make you question the whole rationality of the president elect chair and the choices made behind the scenes. Take for example the last democrat there. The last democrat, Clinton, was known for having a lot of Hollywood types to sleep overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom; Obama's very first overnight guest at the white house was not a movie star or a sports celebrity, instead, it was Lloyd Blankfein CEO of Goldman Sachs. Yep.

So its no wonder that you see these guys get away with what is attributed with worse than murder. Betting against your own hedge funds and literally stealing billions of it is Vital for the American Economy after all, isn't it?

This all leads to some interesting questions. Can someone tell me why Capitalism isn't just one really big Ponzi Scheme? Take banks, for example. If everyone pulled their money out at once, there wouldn't be enough capital to cover it.

Corporations - if every investor sold all at once, there wouldn't be enough company assets for them to cash out. All of capitalism exists on the assumption that all the investors don't pull out at once - and that is a ponzi schem, right? Just because everybody knows it doesn't make it any less of one. Many of Madoff's investors knew something was up, but did and said nothing. It just makes me wonder why hasn't anyone come up with a better system yet.

Our financial system really is a ponzi scheme though.. What banks do is called counterfeiting, there may be a subtle difference, but still, calling our financial system a ponzi scheme is kind of an insult to ponzi. All I know is that this blog post is now too big to fail.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Who Wouldn't Want A Holy War Declared On Them?

Who Wouldn't Want A Holy War Declared On Them?

There. I did it.




Thursday, April 22, 2010

Global Warming - Fuck It

Global Warming - Fuck It

A name you don't recognize nor probably ever even heard of before is James Lovelock. Who is he? Well, he's the guy that wrote Gaia theory and has been a big face in climate change prevention. So if anything you would think he would be a little concerned about the potential of global warming, right?

Nah, at this point he's saying Fuck it.
Lovelock: 'We can't save the planet'
Professor James Lovelock, the scientist who developed Gaia theory, has said it is too late to try and save the planet.

The man who achieved global fame for his theory that the whole earth is a single organism now believes that we can only hope that the earth will take care of itself in the face of completely unpredictable climate change.

Interviewed by Today presenter John Humphrys, videos of which you can see below, he said that while the earth's future was utterly uncertain, mankind was not aware it had "pulled the trigger" on global warming as it built its civilizations.

What is more, he predicts, the earth's climate will not conveniently comply with the models of modern climate scientists.

As the record winter cold testifies, he says, global temperatures move in "jerks and jumps", and we cannot confidently predict what the future holds.

Prof Lovelock does not pull his punches on the politicians and scientists who are set to gain from the idea that we can predict climate change and save the planet ourselves.

Scientists, he says, have moved from investigating nature as a vocation, to being caught in a career path where it makes sense to "fudge the data".
I can't say I'm all that surprised, really. I've sort of been expecting comments like this for a while now. People moving from "let's try and limit the impact", to "it's too late, fuck it". Especially after the huge failure of copenhagen. There appears to be more and more public skepticism towards Global warming. Especially in the UK after the email leaks from the UEA.

Add in that environmental policy has been totally eclipsed due to the recession. I've not seen any mention of climate change since the email leaks. As the feeling of inevitability catches on, is it correct to assume international cooperation's will also shrink, as nations try to protect their interests regardless of anything else.
"fuck it."
So there you have it. The official response by someone of Al Gore level importance to this movement. Who cares, You'll be dead in 60 or so years if you're of the age that you're reading this blog and nothing will matter. You may think that it's a pretty selfish mind set to have on the matter, but let's be realistic here - It's true.

Besides, most of you will be republicans shortly after you start your careers so you can join the rest who never really gave a shit anyway. We have to face the reality that we never had a chance. I mean, I appreciate that people tried and that's great, but let's be real here. Fuck it.

I mean, it's poor retards that caused it in the first place, they will be the ones dealing with the fact that they can't afford to live in the protection dome. I'll just be investing in AIG and Exxon, getting rich and raising my asshole kids to continue my shit legacy in this new and amazing water world.

You mean that capitalism... can't solve problems?! I'm shocked! I really don't think Loyelock holds much scientific sway, but I think the general shift in sentiment is interesting. Also he has been a trend setter, at least in the UK. According to a recent survey of Climate scientist with at least a PHD, 83.6% now agree with the statement "Duuuuude we are soooo fucked".

If the human race is worth preserving it will preserve itself. If humans actually aren't going to survive wouldn't the next step be attempting to create some sort of permanent record of our existence. You could fit most real important literature onto a decent sized hard drive along with basic pictorial guides to major languages and a bunch of historical records and photographs for whoever comes along next, though I guess they'd have to have some way to interface with it and I have no idea how to preserve such a thing. I think that's called a National Geographic box set.

On second thought, how about we just go out in style. Let the next douchebags figure out shit on their own. Once we start to build domed cities, none of this will matter anyways. There's one dude, Bueno-whatshisname, that has the statistical model that predicts stuff with over 90% accuracy saying we'll definitely fail to solve climate change because of how awful political systems are.

Don't be too sad, check out Life After People on Hulu and take comfort that long after we've stopped existing and destroying the planet, it'll live on and be a better place. The best part is when they press some biologist to predict what will evolve and he's like "Uh.. I don't know, I mean, that's not really a question science can ans--" then they cut to the film and he looks all flustered and he's like "well, I GUESS maybe there'd be uh... flying...cats?" then they cut to a CG sequence of gliding cats flaying between skyscrapers.

There was a pretty bad ass show called "The Future is Wild" that aired a few years ago that had all sorts of speculative future animals, it went pretty far into the future too, like 200 million years. I'm guessing it was by the same FX company and they just had a lot of footage left over.

The best ones was the Squibbon. These are descended from squid, which have successfully invaded the land. They are an arboreal species that live in simple structures built in the treetops, capitalizing on their natural dexterity and acute stereoscopic vision.

Find out more about this creature. Read the key facts>"
"Eats: Forest flish

Eaten by: Megasquid"
Ah yes, I know, The evolutionary consultant was Billy, age 5. I mean, I know 4/20 was a couple of days ago, but you should really get ripped as fuck and watch it. It's fucking hilarious. So yeah, that's Earth Day in a nut shell.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's Almost Earth Day, Ready for the Guilt?

It's Almost Earth Day, Ready for the Guilt?

Well, it's almost Earth Day and as any good Earth day goes, it's all about the guilt you feel towards destroying this place we call home. Yes, I'm talking to you. The fine people who shit up this bright green and blue earth that I have all my shit on. Why are you gunking it up? You used to be cool... what happened?

Anyhow, on to the guilt. Let's take a look at the life of a plastic bag...

How about that. Sure seems like it goes a long way to just end up being completely trashed. So how about you do something nice for the environment this year. Say, how about buying water out of a boxed paper carton.

Boxed Water is the latest in water packaging trends from Michigan-based Boxed Water is Better. The company produces well designed milk carton style boxes for its water. The cartons are shipped unfilled and filled on demand as needed dramatically reducing transportation costs and environmental impact.

The boxed water packaging is made from up to 90% renewable resources. It features a solid white carton with the graphic design done in black creating a sharp, highly effective package design that reads "Boxed Water is Better for the Earth."

The company said the concept for the Boxed Water started with the simple idea of creating a new bottled water brand that was more environmentally responsible and gives back a bit - they found that it shouldn't be bottled at all, but instead, boxed. So they looked to the past for inspiration in the century old beverage container and decided to keep things simple, sustainable, and beautiful.

Boxed Water is Better says their carbon footprint is dramatically lower as the boxes are shipped flat to their filler and filled only as demand is created, opposed to most bottled water companies that ship their empty bottles across the globe to be filled, then shipped back for consumption.

As a comparative example the flat, unfilled boxes they can fit on 2 pallets, or roughly 5% of a truckload, would require about 5 truckloads for empty plastic or glass bottles.

Their cartons can also be broken down to their original flat state, are recyclable in most areas, and will be everywhere shortly. We're also giving 20% of our profits back to the resources our product is composed of - water and trees. Not only does it simply make sense, but we really enjoy supporting water and forestation organizations as it's part of our company's ethos and way of thinking to give back and participate. All that and an over-arching focus on simple and beautiful design that compliments our brand as well as the spaces it's sold and consumed in.

I'm one that would suggest that you go out and buy a SIGG water bottle and just use that. You never have to throw anything away nor do you have to even settle for a certain percentage being recyclable. Hey, it's better than plastic bottles. Then again, anything is better than wasteful plastic bottles. Come on, buying a SIGG bottle really is the best thing you can do for the environment if you have water on the go.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010



It's April 20th so that means one of a few things for you. You can indulge your childish side and talk about weed all day. Except I'm sure you already do that every day.

You could possibly hail Hitler and celebrate the day of his birth.. that is if you even acknowledge birthdays. Then again, maybe Hitlder did what he did because they wouldn't let him smoke his fatty boom batty joint of top notch afghani kush on his birthday. I'm sure Jessie James is making a theme day out of 4/20 which will result in a sex tape to be released later.

The origins of 420 as a code for pot leads back to the 70's at San Rafael High School among a group of about a dozen pot smoking kids who called themselves the Waldos. Fun fact - those people are in their 50's now. Way to be hip and used memaw's words to describe your smoking habit. The code was told so that everyone knew to go meet at the campus statue of Louis Pasteur and they smoked pot there.

But hey, somewhere in the world it's 4/20, right?

I'm of the opinion that marijuana is probably okay as long as you consume it as part of a righteous lifestyle. Perhaps I shouldn't begrudge the stoners. Today is clearly their only chance to find true community spirit. It's a sort of community validation thing. Once a year you let stoners be stoners. Also, it's like, let's see what crazy shit the unemployed cooked up this year. The funny thing is that the number 1 reason that weed is not legal is probably stoners themselves.

Some of you are wondering if you should go out and make that investment for that Vaporgenie. Betcha want to hit dat sweet vape, yo. Well you know what - FUCK YOUR Bourgeoisie expensive drug use attachments. I'd rather smoke weed out of a capitalists skull.

Just think about it. Your average hippie is raging against the conservatives with their plasma screens and suvs as they consume and consume. Yet you're going to buy a $300 vaporizer? Some would say that it's healthier for your lungs. Um, if you smoke enough weed to require a vaporizer to offset the damage you do to your lungs you should probably consider cutting back.

Then there's the whole legalization of it. Honestly, it's so easy to smoke and not get caught, so who gives a shit about legalization of it? Yeah, we're funding some drug gangs and possibly Mexican mafias when you purchase weed, but so what? We fund a war machine with taxes every day and yet nobody seems to give a shit about that. Besides, it's much cheaper and more environmentally sound to grow or buy your weed locally.

Smoke and listen.. oooh yeah

Then again, maybe I shouldn't argue about weed on 4/20. That's like arguing about religion on Christmas eve. Though my annual atheist argument on Christmas eve with my family is the one highlight I look forward to all year long.

I don't hate weed, I just really hate stupid stoners. It's like Chris Rock said
"I don't hate black people, but I hate niggers"
I guess the problem is that people only really notice obnoxious stoners. No one really gives a second thought to the cool guy blazing after work or the professor who smokes on the weekends. Obama smoked weed and all you spineless liberals voted for him.

Iceland started early

Straight edge is pretty lame. Okay, you don't do drugs for whatever reason. That's fine, I guess. Not doing drugs doesn't make you cool or edgy or anything though. Straight edge is good for high school kids, but if you're over the age of 18 and you base your lifestyle off music fads, you're pretty dumb.

4/20 isn't the worse. If 4/20 had been celebrated maybe those Columbine kids would have mellowed the fuck out and not shot up their school. But still, A holiday to celebrate smoking weed is pretty much meaningless to the average pot head who has been smoking on a daily basis for their entire life. It's something retarded losers who don't have meaningful lives do to try to fit in with hippie stoners. No one who's self-actualized wants to talk to those going crazy for 4/20.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Getting Kicked in the Goldman Sach's

Getting Kicked in the Goldman Sach's

Late last week a second indictment hit the goldman sachs.. Yes, that's right. All our favorite trading company is finally getting some come-up-in's. in this whole global economy destruction that they created. Maybe you heard of this?
SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- The Securities and Exchange Commission on Friday charged Goldman Sachs & Co. and one of its vice presidents for defrauding investors by misstating and omitting key facts about a financial product related to subprime mortgages. The SEC alleges that Goldman Sachs structured and marketed a collateralized debt obligation that hinged on the performance of subprime residential mortgage-backed securities. However, it failed to disclose the role that a major hedge fund, Paulson & Co., played in the portfolio selection process as well as the fact that the hedge fund had taken a short position against the CDO. "Goldman wrongly permitted a client that was betting against the mortgage market to heavily influence which mortgage securities to include in an investment portfolio, while telling other investors that the securities were selected by an independent, objective third party," said Robert Khuzami, director of the division of enforcement, in a statement.
I'll be sure to keep you all updated on how precisely they completely avoid tangible punishment. Nothing will come of this and that's so sad. I really can't wait to read what they come up with as punishment. What ineffectual slap on the wrist they are sure to receive for these crimes.

It's not like really matters anyway. They own the government and probably received prior knowledge of the indictment and just shorted their own stock to make a couple of bucks on the drop. They're assholes like that.

In reaction to this news their stock dropped 20 bucks (10%). My advice? You should probably buy some because it's going to make all that back and more. Goldman Sachs is the best of the best of the best when it comes to making more money than anyone on Earth could ever conceivably need and they will not get in trouble at all for this. They could push a button and destroy the world economy. They're more powerful than any military on this Earth.

Then again, Goldman stock is like 200 bucks. Poor people don't buy that shit. They don't have the money to play in the big leagues like that. That's what Citigroup is for. They're so scummy. They even use the term betting. Wall Street is just a big casino where they gamble with poor people as currency. Think about it for a second. The entire market is manipulated. If everyone on Wall Street, most investors in general really, actually were punished for the crimes they committed there would be no one left to invest except for a few geriatrics buying penny stocks and Wal-Mart.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even believe there is any accountability in our financial system. Right now the rich are shorting goldman. They'll pick it up on the up swing and make more money all on this news of trying to get justice.

More than anything, it's a lot of poor assholes that are poorer today. These guys have mansions, yachts, gold, and stock options that the average stock investor couldn't dream of owning. 12.5% down on their own stock is pittance compared to their total wealth and the abundance of inside information they have to continue building wealth. Also, if Goldman Sachs collapses, then the world economy collapses. So there's that. They really already won this war.

It's really comically evil how they did all this. Basically the hedge fund was influencing the inclusion of sub prime mortgages into the CDO and then betting that the mortgage takers would default -- all while saying that a neutral party was choosing which mortgages were going into the CDO, and no admission that the fund was betting on defaults.

Then there's this creepy banker dude crying for help to the outside world;
By now you have heard that the SEC charged Goldman with defrauding investors in its conflict of interest and lack of disclosure regarding the sale of complex CDOs. This could be a strengthen the hand of reformers on Capitol Hill and in the White House. Perhaps the days of open cheating and self dealing are drawing to a close.

Why is Goldman still a bank anyway? Clearly they can make enormous sums and the market believes they are well capitalized. Why continue to have access to the Fed Discount Window? Answer: because they are Too Big to Fail.
I love this guy. If Sept. 15, 2008, the day Lehman Brothers was allowed to fail, marks the Pearl Harbor or widely acknowledged onset of the present Great Recession (in Franklin Roosevelt’s words “a date which shall live in infamy”), April 16, 2010 may be deemed the equivalent of the U.S. victory in the crucial Battle of Midway in 1942 or the day the U.S. neutralized the Japanese fleet.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

There Will Be Blood

There Will Be Blood

While I appreciate the value of blood donation there's one thing that just seems wrong. It seems like a crock of shit for tight-fisted assholes to go sit down for a half hour and then eat some cookies, get a sticker, and walk around all smug "Guess who saved a life today."

Nah bro, you really didn't. That blood will just sit in the bank for a few months till it goes bad and gets thrown out because it was at the bottom of about 80 bags from the other assholes like you, and if it does get used it won't be for some poor young accident or gunshot victim. It'll be for a fucking 70 year old tea party asshole who needed it after open heart surgery when he had a ooronary jerking it to sean hannity (while telling himself it was to sarah palin)... so in OALY terms, a net negative.

But hey, it's the best way to keep up appearances without actually giving money to charity or anything. Fuck those poors for trying to leach off a HERO type-O life-saver like yourself. How about you just donate your blood down the fucking drain, you idiot.

And before you tell me to go fuck myself for not donating blood. I have. Even though I'm just writing this to rationalize my fear of needles and all, I still have given blood in my day but you know what, I never bragged about it.

There's other reasons why people give blood. The sorority girls at your school who host the blood drive will possibly respect you enough and suddenly find you attractive enough to date because you gave some blood?

Just admit there's selfish reasons behind your donation. I mean, they call you every single time a blood drive is coming up so you can meet other like minded uncaring 0+ Twats. It's like the singles and mingles section to produce future offspring that has perfect blood to give.

And for those of you with -O+, it's like the king who turned everything he touched into iPads. Come down to earth. giving blood may be good but it's not a miracle. How often do they run out? I mean, these aren't livers we're talking about. How often does someone in middle America die because the hospital was out of the appropriate blood type? I think the answer is never. But hey, enlighten me.

That's what I thought. The only problem now is that there might be a critical mass of people who stopped donating after reading this ever-so-popular blog. But I have it on good authority that no one reads this and most of all, any nerd who does wouldn't have their blood accepted anyway.

Last year they were giving out VIP tickets for Warped Tour to anyone who donated blood. I would say that would be a reason NOT to donate any. I heard talks about putting into effect a program that would allow you to get a blood donor card if you donate regularly, and in case of an accident you get priority on blood or something like that. I'm not sure how it works because I don't give blood for rewards, but that's fucking disgusting.

It's bad enough we already give our blood to the government in metaphorical methods, we're literally going to give it to them now? What's wrong with us? I spend my hard earned dollars on nutrients to create this blood and I'll be damned if I'm going to give it away for free. That's socialism, if you didn't know.

Besides, in all likelihood the blood will be used to save a wounded veteran, making you an accessory to war crimes. Then again, anyone living in American or Europe is already complicit in war crimes, so who cares, I guess?

Maybe you should donate blood after all since it's already all over your hands. I mean, donating also requires a very small amount of effort. You just sit there. Besides all that, who will feed all the vampires if you don't?