Monday, August 31, 2009

Nerd Weddings

Nerd Weddings

It's not uncommon for nerds to get married. Yes, it's a rare thing for a nerd to find another nerd.. or at least someone willing to accept their nerd behavior. Once you do find that one hot girl that is accepting of your nerd and geek like tendencies, you better hold on tight and never let go. You hear me? NEVER.LET.GO! While there's plenty of fish in the sea, you're bait isn't good enough to attract much else.

Hey, don't take that as an insult. Ok, you can. Well, you should. It's coming from me and I'm pretty mean. I mean, there's nerds and then there's you. Yes you. You're the one who wants to have your wedding themed after a fucking video game.

What the fuuuuuck?

Um.. ok, I suppose we can roll with that...

It sucks to be a brides maid anyway. I mean, listen to the name of the role. MAID, you're in an uglier dress than the bride by design and you're now stuck wearing some stupid head gear? Kill yourself now.

And what's with this photographer? He's jumping the 180 line making this whole shoot look like it's jumping from one side to another. Is he literally running around this big group of nerds?

SEE?!!? Stop breaking the 180 rule. I guess he must have been busy playing video games when he should have been going to photo class.

That's just strange. I suppose to each their own. But really, what sense does this make? Can you really be sure you'd look back at this in 20-30-40 years and think "Yeah, that was a good idea" Hell, what next gen game console will be out by then that you'd long forgotten the Xbox. Oh, who am I kidding. They'll be divorced in five years. The only question is who's taking which console with them.

Oh, and to top it all off you got this as your wedding cake? Shiiiiit, get the fuck out of here.

I'm mad cause it doesn't look like it would feed a lot of people and if I'm at a wedding, I sure as hell want to eat. But then again, why do I have to be a hater?

If you and your soon-to-be-ex are ok with the strange wedding that is centered around a theme that most of your guest wont even be aware of, then more power to you. At least you found someone who shares similar interest as you... for now. Enjoy it while it last.

For those of you who don't know what the fuck this is from. Congrats, you have lives.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

You Know That Brutal Massacre I did? Yeah, Sorry About That

You Know That Brutal Massacre I did? Yeah, Sorry About That

Sometimes news stories come across my computer screen and I really don't have any way to process them other than looking blankly at my screen and then taking a nice strong drink of bourbon. This is one of those stories.

The BBC is reporting that as mass murderer is sorry for his actions

The US army officer convicted for his part in the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War has offered his first public apology, a US report says.

"There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel remorse for what happened," Lt William Calley was quoted as saying by the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer.

He was addressing a small group at a community club in Columbus, Georgia.

Calley, 66, was convicted on 22 counts of murder for the 1968 massacre of 500 men, women and children in Vietnam.

Cold blood

"I feel remorse for the Vietnamese who were killed, for their families, for the American soldiers involved and their families. I am very sorry," the former US platoon commander said on Wednesday.

He was sentenced to life in prison for his role in the killings in 1971. Then-US President Richard Nixon commuted his sentence to three years' house arrest.

But Calley insisted that he was only following orders, the paper reported.

He broke his silence after accepting a friend's invitation to speak at the weekly meeting of the Kiwanis Club, a US-based global voluntary organisation.

At the time of the killings, the US soldiers had been on a "search and destroy" mission to root out communist fighters in what was fertile Viet Cong territory.

Although the enemy was nowhere to be seen, the US soldiers of Charlie Company rounded up unarmed civilians and gunned them down.

When the story of My Lai was exposed, more than a year later, it tarnished the name of the US army and proved to be a turning point for public opinion about the Vietnam War.
It's nice to see that after his terrible ordeal watching TV at home for a few years followed by a completely normal life for several decades, he's a reformed man and has found the courage to apologize, not only to the families of the victims but also to his fellow perpetrators....

Just imagine I built a big brick wall around myself so I could scream loud enough for this sort of news story. You see, after reading something like this, I can't believe old Television shows like The A-Team.
"Plot: A group of Iraq War veterans looks to clear their name with the U.S. military, who suspect the four men of committing a crime for which they were framed"
After reading a story like this it only makes one wonder how much shit do you have to stir up before you're ever faced with a situation of being out of their good grace?

I sure hope Calley's sudden change of heart and attempt to rewrite history doesn't mean he has cancer or something and is about to die. I'd perfere he had a few good years of suffering for the terrible shit he committed. It would be even more perfect if his motivation to come forward involved finding Jesus and forgiving himself for all that he did with the blood of his savior. But that's wishful thinking. I mean, he's still making excuses as to why he did it:
But Calley insisted that HE VAS ONLY FOLLOWING ORDERS MEIN FUHRER!!!, the paper reported.
I wonder at what point C company received the order to carve their initials into the corpses of the women they raped? You'd think that would cause their OC to pause for a second, right? I'm sure that if you weren't claiming scalps it would be hard for the government to give out medals, right? It's sort of like the way Belgium accounted for military actions in the Congo.

The truly horrible thing about all this is that there was pro-Calley bumper stickers and songs back when he was convicted of this shit. Many in America were outraged by Calley's sentence; Georgia's governor Jimmy Carter instituted "American Fighting Man's Day" and asked Georgians to drive for a week with their lights on. Then US president Richard Nixon commuted his sentence to three years' house arrest. Nixon did this in response to the public outrage, if you can believe that shit. And of course Nixon was pardoned, surely making Nixon one of the worst human beings who ever lived.

On the flip side, some black guy gets life for a third strike of stealing a candy bar and is still in jail. How about that case where one stole a few slices of pizza and got life cause it was his third strike? Or a golf club? Or a couple of videotapes? Yes, these all happened.

Anyone recall that story about that black kid who got lief in prison for smoking a joint while on probation for attempted robbery (Attempted because he got remorseful while mugging the guy and didn't take his money) and then the same judge who convicted the black kid let a white guy who was the son of an influential preacher walk after being caught with a shitload of cocaine while on probation for murdering his gay lover by shooting him in the ass.

I seriously want to just shoot myself to the moon and far away from this society sometimes. I guess it's all about the likelihood of re-offending. The gay cokehead isn't very likely to murder someone again where as the black kid may smoke another joint and society has to be protected from that...

His whole apology just comes off as something terrible. I couldn't have pictured it any less sincere than if he said it like this:

You know what? My bad, dudes. My bad.

This fucker isn't sorry. Hell, I love how the article puts quotes on "Sorry". Way to take away any and all meaning the words had in them by doing that shit. I can't decide if this whole action is better or worse than him not giving an apology. I suppose I'd say that this is roughly equivalent to no apology at all. They're always sorry for "What happened", never for what they did .

"I am sorry that some people felt offended when they heard the word 'nigger' coming out of my mouth"

"I deeply regret that Mr King's actions caused his head to repeatedly come into contact with my baton"

"lives were lost"

"mistakes were made"

"lessons were learned"

The passive voice is, morally speaking, the most despicable abuse of the English language in modern times. Well, at least right up there with the constant use of LOL and all the other internet catch phrases I wish to punch people through the monitor screen for.

Or perhaps there's some slim chance that this could be of some good. Maybe it will make American soldiers think twice about genociding some peeps after reading this piece. Ha.. yeah, sorry, that was me wishful thinking again. I'll try not to do that anymore. If anything I can already hear the armed forces mentality:

"Hey sarge, let's murder those sand niggers!"
"I dunno, lieutenant, there could be consequences..."
"Yeah, you're right...three years of chilling at home posting on stormfront and playing X-box, just like that mai tai dude!"
"Fuck yeah, Let's Roll! (tm)"

I suppose I shouldn't be expecting that apology from the Iraqi vets anytime soon. Maybe at least another 40 years before we see any sort of apology for Iraq. I'm sure our kids and our grandkids will love us for the choices we're making today. They can look back at history and see how the US gave medals to the people like the crew of the ship that shot down an Irani airliner and killed everyone on board. Yup, that's protecting ARE freedom, alright..

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

If you haven't seen (500) Days Of Summer, then what the hell is wrong with you? What are you waiting for? It wont be in your local indie movie theater for too long! I've already talked about this movie in previous blogs. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'm going to rave about this film.

One of the best things about it is the film chemistry between Joesph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. They're vowing to work together again and again like a modern day Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn or Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. If that's the case, then they're doing a good job at making it seem like they could be a off screen couple.

So where am I going with this? The proof in the pudding, as well as a music video for a song by She & Him. Which I oddly put in the last blog. But since this video is directed by Marc Webb and stars the two... well then, it's something special that I would suggest everyone watches.

That is all. Have a good weekend.

Friday, August 28, 2009

He Aint No Barney Fife

He Aint No Barney Fife

Simply put, Barney Frank owns.

Look at him smacking down moron after moron in this town hall meeting.

Check him out on how well he takes care of those fools who don't read the fine print.

Holy shit, this guy is beyond awesome. There are no words for how much Barney Frank owns, I feel like he's the only truly honest politician I've ever seen. If you want to spend two and a half hours watching quality entertainment the likes of which that you will never see on C-Span before or after. But hell, I'd watch this over and over again. Barney Frank smacks down morons in a Health Care town hall

Thursday, August 27, 2009

KFC - Keeping It Unreal

KFC - Keeping It Unreal

You have to give it to KFC. The Colonel just doesn't give a fuck. The dude has no qualms with creating unhealthy foods and jamming them down the throats of anyone who will shell out the bucks for it. And really, growing up I never really had KFC because as a poor kid in East L.A, I always thought Pioneer chicken was a lot better in taste and a whole lot cheaper.

That doesn't mean it was a healthier option. Hell no. Pioneer chicken was beyond oily. I mean, you could use a bunch of napkins and still not cover the amount of oil that the thing was drenched in. But as unhealthy as that was, it can't begin to touch what KFC is trying out currently in two markets (meaning in two states).

You see, human civilization has reached its highest point with America's current fast food menu. While those of you who get your double double at IN-N-OUT protein style to not have to deal with the bun are failing to realize is that instead of lettuce, you can be using meat as a bread substitute. I present you the Double Down from KFC.

Forget what you knew about sandwiches because it just got reinvented. Now you don't need to mess with silly bread. Why would you want to when you can easily replace it with two chicken patties. At least I hope they're de-boned chicken patties as biting down on a sandwich only to meet a breast plate would not make for a great lunch time meal.

My one question is how do you eat that without getting disabling diarrhea? Ok, that's a lie. I have a lot more questions. For example, why would anyone buy this combo for $7? That's pretty god damn expensive as hell. Then again, everything at KFC is expensive so I shouldn't be surprised.

I just wonder if people come in asking if they could super size their combo of this.

That's not a sandwich that's just a pile of chicken

It's funny that KFC has had this mentality that anyone who eats here must love to smash their food together or has no problems with that neurosis about food touching as just about everything on the menu or being introduced lately is a mashed up entire dinner into one giant ball or bowl. It's really disturbing to think that some Executive thinks all Americans have poor teeth and can't chew very well.

I suppose it's only fitting that they called it the Double Down, because it's like you're placing a bet on congestive heart failure and coronary thrombosis. How fucking disgusting is that blog of a sandwich? I don't care if you're only eating it ironically, as it seems most hipsters do anything these days. I show concern because what about the clogged arteries and fat ass that comes with that? Are those ironic as well?

Here's a poor quality video of the ad for this monster pile of shit sandwich

I love the part in the ad where the one guy exclaims "Finally.. Someone listened to me!" As if anyone was out there thinking, "Fuck, man, you know what would be good?" The copy guys in the creative department were having a little fun there I assume. Because there shouldn't be anyone on this Earth who was thinking that this is a good idea. Then again, if I was given this ad copy, I don't know if I could take it seriously either.

Perhaps I should thank KFC for weeding out the human racist from all the fatasses who will choke down this god awful menu item. Especially those who are getting a diet coke with this combo meal. I hope those are the first ones to choke on the massive amounts of chicken in this chicken sandwich.. Oh, sorry. I almost acknowledged this pile of crap as a sandwich. My apology.

Way to go KFC..

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Week Without A Comic Book

A Week Without A Comic Book

Last week we found out that this Christmas isn't going to be a happy one for comic book collectors. If you're reading this on a Wednesday, you more than likely already picked up your new books today. If you're not in the know, what normally happens is that new comic books come out on Wednesdays. When a holiday pops up on any other day at the beginning of the week comic book day usually gets bumped back one day to Thursday.

But when Christmas and New Years happening back to back, that usually bumps the books back another day. In short, since if you're not a comic reader, this is boring as hell, that time of the year is a little difficult for those looking for new books. This year will be even more hard for those nerdy folks as the comic distributor Diamond isn't even going to bother shipping comics the week of New Years.

Diamond Skip Week Advisory: No New Product Shipments Week of DECEMBER 28
In consideration of UPS’ holiday delivery schedule, and in consultation with retailers and publishers, Diamond will not be shipping product to customers the week of December 28.

“Most of our customers receive their shipments via 1-Day, 2-Day, or 3-Day UPS, with 3-Day shipments tendered to UPS on Friday,” explained Diamond Vice President of Operations Cindy Fournier. “With Christmas and New Year’s falling on Friday this year, we would not be able to tender product for 3-Day retailers until Monday, December 28. But because there will be no UPS service on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, product which could reach 1-Day and 2-Day retailers on December 30, would not reach our 3-Day UPS customers until January 4. In light of this, and based on conversations with our customers and suppliers, we agreed that a skip week was the fairest, most prudent way to proceed.”

I have to say, this is terrible news. How can you make New Years an even more lonelier time for nerds? It's bad enough that they'll more than likely not have any sort of gift they actually wanted, but to top it all off, they wont be able to spend their Christmas money from na'na on new comics?

Come on Diamond, don't be a dick like that. Why you gotta be a hater? I need my new books! Where else am I going to figure out what Captain America is doing for the New Years? Do you think Batman would take the time off? I think not!

Besides that, comic stores are already feeling the pinch during that time of the year. Nerds are terrible to shop for and business is typically slow because those who would normally shop for new books are spending their money on gifts for loved ones. So you can see how this is just adding insult to injury.

Oh well, I guess I'm lucky to not be THAT much of a nerd. In that I'm social enough that I can do things to occupy my time and not have the lack of reading material get me down. Still seems pretty silly to just give up entirely making the following week all that much more difficult.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Grandpa Woodstock

Grandpa Woodstock

Forty years and a week ago Woodstock happened. I really don't give a shit about it because I was neither born, nor do I give a crap about those double standard hypocrites that took part of Woodstock who are not the same ones who are hard core republicans dictating laws to limit the rights and ability of their children that they went out into this field to enjoy.

Add into that the whole Woodstock 2 really took a dump on the original meaning of the festival. It's like Burning man after it became cool. No way was I going to go to that. So consider me jaded to this who musical arts festival of mythic proportions. Besides that, the few who still remain loyal to the views and lifestyle upheld during Woodstock are ones I really don't want to associate with.

Take Grandpa Woodstock here.

He is clearly someone you do not want to talk to or else you'll be faced with some really incoherent story about the time he lost a cheeto in his hair. While it's a compelling two hour story, it's one that I have no use in hearing a third or fourth time.

And while everyone who wasn't there remembered Woodstock and made some big shit out of it's 40 year birthday last Tuesday, I'm sure Grandpa Woodstock didn't even remember the actual event. I mean, isn't that the real way you tell that you were there?

But this does lead to more questions about the culture behind all this. Is there any thing to be proud of if you're a dirty, smelly hippie like this. You may be happy, but it's because you're buying cutiousness at three dollars a hit. It's not fullfilling and it'll run out eventually. You really don't want to be left holding the bag if a cop shows up, least you'll really be enjoying the time in jail. But how thick does their devotion run for this lifestyle?

I mean, look at that. Bottled water? What are you? Some wasteful capitalist pig? Yes it's a given that he's old and probably needed to drink a lot of water or he'll pass out. I mean, it's pretty clear he's not eating much. I certainly don't want Grandpa Woodstock to die, but he's not doing the Earth any favors by drinking and supporting the plastic bottle companies.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they found that bottle in the trash and refilled it from the tap. But perhaps I shouldn't focus on the bottle water so much as I failed to realize that the woman has a fucking beard! Holy fuck, that's some facial hair she has going on there. I wonder if that tickles when they kiss each other. Who the hell lets that happen to them? I'm sure she's not into grooming herself, but to allow such facial hair to grow? Now that's just being lazy.

It goes to show you that even the most hardcore of you who happen to be all hippie style or going for the glory in saving planet Earth by not putting toxins in your system still suffer the grim reality that you really can't take that too far before you hit a brick wall.

While I say MORE POWER TO YOU, to Grandpa Woodstock, I can't help but take his life as an example as to why I will never, ever use LSD.

Monday, August 24, 2009

One Last Shot

One Last Shot

The tale you're about to read is entirely true and tragic that starving children in third world nations will feel my pain. Of course they wont be able to tell the difference between my pain and the pain of not eating for a week. But that's Sally Struthers problem and well, once you finish this blog you'll realize I have my own problems to deal with. Namely because of a shot glass.

And before I get started on this, let me say I'm sorry. I know you don't read this blog to get inundated with my personal shit, that's a pet peeve of mine when it comes to blogs and people thinking that they're so god damn important that any one gives two shits about their own person struggles. I don't fool myself. I know you don't care. You read my blog because I'm funny, off the wall and often witty. I apologize in advance but stick around through the personal strife and maybe you'll laugh at my suffering.

Back in 2005 I did my little road trip from Florida to Los Angeles. On this really awesome road trip I saw many things, ate many items and enjoyed life to the best that one man with a car full of gas and an open highway in front of him could enjoy life by. In that it was pretty boring after a while. You factor in that Texas is about 800 miles of nothing but empty wastelands.. and racist rednecks.

I knew that the drive wasn't going to be all that interesting. It's 773 miles of god damn nothing! My hope was going and almost gone when I passed mile marker 769 and then I saw it.. such a sign of beauty. Ok, it was more along the lines of confusing and... a little upsetting.

This sign was telling me to hold my piss for 262 miles? Whaaa? But I wanted to pull over and piss over Texas. With Bush in the white house, I felt it was my all-American right and privileged to take a long piss on the state that allowed him to run and own a baseball team in.

Though I have to say that I found it a little humoring. There was this stupid beaver as the mascot of the company. What's there not to like? Well, I didn't have to take a piss and so I carried on. The more I drove, the more I found funny signs for this place. One of them even just had this slogan "BUC-EE'S: IT'S A BEAVER" and maybe it was because by mile marker 650, I was starting to lose my marbles. Oh yeah, if you can't tell by now, I was counting down the miles before I was out of Texas.

But through it all there was the Buc-ee's silly signs to guide me through. Like an albatross leading a ship out of stormy seas. Like a compass leading a hiker back to safety. Like something something adverb something something something. Yes, Buc-ee's sure as hell made my trip tolerable. It gave me something to look forward to. Mainly due to the best sign that they had "Fabulous Restrooms". Oh my, I can't say that in my travels from Florida to the current middle of Texas that I had used a half way decent restroom. Yes, there's Southern hospitality, but they don't advertise Southern Restrooms because all those biscuit and gravey sure as hell does not go down easy in their plumbing.

After pushing on through vast fields of Texas nothingness I finally got closer and closer to my new goal - To see this Buc-ee's in person. I figured it was some sort of attraction park. It ended up being a whole lot better, It was a gas station! And what a gas station it was. They had all sorts of trinkets and other junk. The neon sign kept highlighting their fabulous restrooms and you know what, they were beyond clean. I built up the hype about those johns and I can't say that I was let down in the slightest in terms of how clean they were.

I was in heaven. Or at least what heaven would look like if it had self-service gas stations, beef jerky from around the animal kingdom and all sorts of other junk that an all service gas station selling wares would have. I needed to take home a piece of this place. I needed to remember that it wasn't all a dream... Then I saw it. A shot glass with Buc-ee's Beaver mascot face on the front. Turning it around and what did my eyes see? The logo "IT'S A BEAVER".

Maybe it was the fumes from the gas pumps outside. Maybe it was the fact that I just drive a good 500 miles hyping this place up with billboards. But I cracked up so much at this shot glass. I had to buy it. I plopped down my green backs on the counter, bought some beef jerky and hit the road again with my new prize. The buc-ee's shot glass.

While the rest of my road trip had their own adventures that I could save for another time, let's jump forward to when I finally make it to L.A. and I'm unloading all my stuff. I have the buc-ee's shot glass in a plastic bag covered in paper and safely secure... or so I thought till I put down my bags and heard a large glass crushing down. Yes, not even two minutes into my place and I already destroyed the shot glass that I valued so much from the road trip.

To say that I was a little bit sad is an understatement. I was pretty frustrated. Here I am far away from Texas and even though I stopped by the Alamo, I was in a state of not being able to forget the Buc-ee's shot glass. I called around. I still had one connection in Texas that I could call up and see if they could do me a solid and get me a shot glass, ship it to me. Sure, I bribed them with Arrested Development show material like scripts and other handy crafts that I stole from the set.

Sure enough, about six weeks later I got it in the mail. A replacement shot glass to my broken Buc-ee's one. I was complete again. And while yes, it was just a material item that I really had no practical use for, seeing that I'm not a drunk and if I was to turn into one, I sure as hell wouldn't waste a step by pouring it into a shot glass.

It was more along the lines of a memory of the road trip. Even though it wasn't MY shot glass, it looked exactly like it that I could pass it off as my own. Maybe one day I would tell it the terrible secret that I had to get it through the mail. But I wasn't going to ruin its ability to get me wasted.

They say that the good times can't last forever. They're right. They can't. Yesterday when I got back home I found that gravity has decided to work against me and dropped a bottle of Patron while I was away. While the glass bottle was thick enough that I didn't lose any Patron, I did notice the shards of a shot glass. It was like seeing a dead body. It was my replacement Buc-ee's shot glass. Shattered into a good couple of pieces. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Now you may be thinking "It's just a shot glass, what's the big deal?" And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself, thank you kindly. It may very well be a shot glass with some itched on scribbles. But it was the last memory that I stopped by a Buc-ee's on the first road trip that I traveled so far. From Florida to Los Angeles. Let's see you do that!

So now I'm left with two shattered used-to-be-pieces-of-shot-glass left. One broken shot glass would just be bad lucky. Clearly there's some force, some mythical and unexplainable hand guiding heavy objects or my own clumsy nature to break and otherwise crush my shot glasses at every opportunity. While I maintain my strong atheist beliefs in not believing, I can't ignore the fact that of all the shitty shot glasses I have and never use, the one that I enjoyed the most is the target of such crimes against glassware. Shattered by the one item that gets put into these? Now that's just cold blooded.

I'm not left with a tricky lack of options. I don't know when's the next time I'll be unlucky enough to be in Texas. Nor do I want to continue not having a shot glass that, even though I'm a raging alcoholic that seldom drinks, I don't think I can go on with this idea that my Buc-ee's road trip memory is shattered. So I'm looking to you, anyone who lives in Texas.. or even you Buc-ee's corporate headquarters. I've tried looking for an online way to purchase this. I have money that I want to give you in exchange for goods and services!

Maybe I should just face the facts. The shot glass is dead and I'm more than likely not going to get another any time soon. It's tragic, I know. but maybe it's for the best. Who needed to be reminded that Buc-ee's was indeed, a Beaver. And isn't it odd that they would say "It's a beaver" He has a name, you know. Buc-ee! I'll pour myself a stiff shot to ease the pain, but it's not going to be the same without drinking it out of the Buc-ee's shot glass.

Now as I attempt to take one last shot out of this broken shot glass, with what I assume will result in my lips being completely cut up (and not to mention that vodka isn't going to feel to great on the potential open wound) I say goodbye Buc-ee's Shot Glass #2. You last a lot longer than shot glass #1 and I really don't know when I'll replace you, but rest assure I'll try to fill your empty space on the shelf with something like you... cause you're to good to be let go.

So.. anyone in Texas. I have cash that is burning a hole in my wallet like this vodka is burning my open glass wounds in my lips. All I know is I need another shot glass that will eventually get shattered in some ironic fashion!

Venture Brothers Coming Soon

Venture Brothers

GO TEAM VENTURE! is going to be a catch phrase you'll be hearing pretty soon. The fourth season is set to come back as two sets of eight episodes, with the first eight scheduled for November 2009 and the remaining episodes likely airing Summer 2010.

While it's a wait between two month periods of venture brothers, it's still something to look forward to. It's been a good year since last we saw from the Venture compound. So perhaps a little sneak peak at the trailer for Season 4 will tickle your fancy:

The big superhero guy with the white tights and rainbows has got to be Captain Sunshine. He was mentioned in every season so far and it looks like he wants revenge on the Monarch. Careful viewers will remember that in "Return to Spider Skull Island" the incarcerated Monarch instructed 21 and 24 to "send the charred remains of Wonder Boy to his beloved Captain Sunshine!" Looks like those charred remains finally are catching up to the Monarch.

Season 4 looks awesome, the Venture Bros. always seems to go in unexpected directions and I end up loving it, so I for one can't wait.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Driving Under Distraction

Driving Under Distraction

Earlier this year there was a driving law added that stated you couldn't operate a moving vehicle while having your cell phone in your hand to your ear. This was a bold move. We were thinking about the children and making sure the roads were safe of unsafe drivers. Well, at least of unsafe drivers who didn't look like total tools wearing that stupid blue tooth head set shit...

In the last couple of months CNN began covering the growing amount of recognition that has been given to distracted driving by legislators. Now, as a blogger and someone who is addicted to their camera, I do a lot of driving, and I see a lot of people every day driving while distracted, so I have taken it upon myself to document all of the instances of distracted driving that my fellow journalists and I witness every day.

Don't act as if you're above it. We all do it, whether it's a surprise call from a friend, the time you needed to touch-up your makeup, the text response with a smile or some lunch at 60mph, the little things that distract us from driving can present a major danger to everyone on the road.

By remaining conscious of other drivers, we can all do our part to create a more pleasant driving experience for everyone. So let me indulge you in this little experiment that I did on the road capturing the moments in time when drivers were not all aware of their distracted driving:

Look at this idiot; in traffic, talking on his phone, this is the most common form of distracted driving.

Wish this one came out better; guy in a pickup holding a sandwich with both hands as he barreled down the road. Barely had time to get my camera up it was so fast.

On the phone while putting on makeup, this is a more extreme example of what I am talking about. This is the worst distraction. Hot women shouldn't be able to drive. Do you know how hard it is to operate a wheel and two sticks at once?

Who knows what was going through this idiot's mind as he swerved past me.

This speed demon decided that chatting on a cell phone wouldn't stop him from going ten MPH over the limit.

I saw a woman reading a novel while driving on a three-lane highway during rush hour traffic the other day. I couldn't snap a picture because the camera opened up and the batteries dropped out and fell next to my feet. But that didn't stop me from calling the police and reporting them. I sure hope they don't charge me minutes for calling 9-11 on the road like that.

I suppose the answer to all this is to drive a manual, right? I, too believe that reading the manual while driving is safe. I mean, they put that little book in there for a reason, so it must be safe to read while driving. Not to mention that it comes with a lot of safety guides. How much air to put into the tires, where's the emergency blinkers are and so much more!

So be careful out there folks! You never know who's in the next lane snapping pictures of you being distracted!!

Friday, August 21, 2009

iGun Control

iGun Control

Now I've been debating getting an iPhone for a while now. The internet in the form of an Apple product, how could I say no to that?! The only downside is that I'm currently stuck with a Verizon contract that I feel like it's bringing me down to new levels.

Some of the apps have been pretty amazing. Listening to KCRW where ever you want is a big bonus but I think I just found the main reason why I want to get an iPhone now.

You mean that felony charge and time I spent in a mental institution wont bar me from carrying a gun permit as long as that gun comes in the form of an electronic device? SOLD! This will make my road rage open the doors to fun and be a new era of how one takes out their frustration. Take a look at the Road Rage in the iPhone era.

This right here is everything that white people fear.. and yet, it's like a tiger with foam teeth and claws. Sure it's scary, but with the iPhone, it made it look safe. No more reasons to fear a black man when all he has is an iPhone to bust a digital cap in your cracker ass.

The virtual gun control debates are bound to come. I know that for sure. Think of it this way. Yes, you can make a pretty (stupid) point by bringing a gun to a President's rally. But that's not doing anything for the system. With the iPhone you're not only showing that you can bring in your big guns, but that you can also stimulate the economy.

It sure beats seeing sights like these morons. The real threat to America.. Whitey.

These guys are sharp as sticks.


The revolution will not be televised.. which is odd cause they say tv is full of morons now.

The best advertisement is the one you do yourself, right?

There seriously is going t be an assassination attempt on Obama. Not because he's a socialist nazi( NAZI-COMMI!), but because he's black.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Girls Will Be Girls

Girls Will Be Girls

I often hear people talk about how much better things where "back in the day" and I have to wonder if they're not just looking at their memories with rose tinted glasses. I mean, let's face it. Back then if you were colored you would have your own water fountain and if you were a woman you would have to fight for your right not to be barefoot and pregnant. Can't say those days were all peachy like The Wonder Years make them out to be.

Even dating was strange back then. Going Steady was the big commitment and till then it was socially acceptable to date multiple boys at the same time. In today's modern standards you'd be considered a cheap slut if you did the same thing. The only catch is once you go "steady", you had to remain steady with that one boy.

That sweater is painted on. What a tramp! Then again, that girl really likes to mount a lot of guys..... on her wall.

To all of you who feel the need to hearken back to those glory days of things that were better times... well, apparently all of you readers were previously unaware of the things that teenage girls in the 1960's did..... like douching with coca cola to prevent pregnancy. Girls have always had their fascinating mysteries.

Yes, that's right. They were douching with Coca Cola bottles. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, this method of parenthood prevention proved somewhat popular because not only was it cheap and universally available at a time when reliable birth control methods were hard to come by, but it also came in its own handy "shake and shoot" disposable applicator. After intercourse, the girl would uncap a warm Coke, put her thumb over the mouth of the bottle, shake up the beverage, then insert the neck of the bottle in her vagina and move her thumb out of the way. The warm well-shaken Coke became an effervescent spermicidal douche, with the traditional (at that time) six-ounce bottle providing what was deemed to be just the right amount for one application.

There's a good indicator of how far america has fallen in the past five decades: the traditional coke bottle used to be six ounces

And before you ask... or maybe you didn't, but I'll answer it for you. Yes it's true, Some of your moms and grandmas probably did that. Makes you question asking if grandma wants another coke during the next family barbecue, doesn't it? In fact if you have curly hair but your parents don't, it's probably because you came from carbonated sperm.

Goes to show you that even though you don't allow the children to take part of the grown up activities of abortions, they'll still find a creative way to do it. I just wonder how many children were born this way when the teenage soon-to-be-mother used Pepsi instead of Coke. I mean, it is the choice of the new generation, after all...

Ok, that was just in poor taste. It's not like today's youth are lining up and plugging up their girlfriends with compressed CO2 cylinders and throwing the valve wide open. So on that regard, the kids are a bit more alright. Unless you count all that myspacing and twitter...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Name The Comic Shop

Name The Comic Shop

Since I have a friend who is not only opening a comic shop, but is also not smart enough to disregard any idea I have as credible or even sane, the task came to me to help create a name for said shop.

As the comic shop has settled on a name, I suppose I can share some helpful insight on what the other potential names for a comic book shop were. The cutting room floor of Comic Shop names. This will show you a glimpse of my little world. On how I think... because really, these daily blogs clearly must not show you how utterly insane and crazy my head already is, right? So here are some of the names of comic shops I put together:

Going out of business

the virgin's lair

The Gilded Neckbeard

die alone..... with a sad die all alone (100 sided)

Mom's Basement

The Not Comic Book Store Emporium

Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Card & Gaming Depository

On a side note, I always thought that a comic shop wouldn't close down so much if they did something in addition to selling comics. With that in mind I bring you:

Comic and Burrito Castle

Philadelphia Athletic Gaming Emporium


Moutnain Dew Stains & Cheeto Crumbs

Little Dungeon On The Prairie.

The Capes and Dice Shop.

"Mom go home you're embarrassing me"

The Rusty Pirate Comics and Games

I Liked The Comic More Than The Movie.

High Castle Comics and Games

The Barracks

World of Gamecraft

Just some random comic and gaming store.

The Grognard's lair

The Graphic Novel and Strategic Simulation Conservatory

Grognard Place


Colossal Comics

Gestapo Games

World of Wolf Shirts

Worst comic book store ever.

Kind of a Lot o' Comics

We'll fuck you over less than gamestop

Grant and Alan's Great British Postmodernist Deconstruction Mindfuckery Zone and One Stop Comic Shop

Comics & Games: A Comic and Game Store (We sell Comics and Games!)

The Only Game (shop) In Town

Batman's Shameful Secret

The Hobbit's Speakeasy.

Matoya's Cave.

Sans Comic. With proper font.


I'm a Fucking Loser With More Money Than Sense

Space Available Soon!

The Gathering

A sophisticated club for sophisticated gentlemen with sophisticated dice


First Edition


Mostly Harmless

Manga Lloyd's

Tony Stark's House of Ribs


The Joker's Boner

10d12 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One

City Name Comic Store.

Han shopped first!

The Church of Alan Moore

We've Got Issues.

Financially Unviable
-At one time, I was going to start a game store, up until I realized that making money is a plus in any business plan.

"Let's Roll"
-It's Patriotic and relevant to gaming.

D & D Gaming Factory

Comics Code Approved

No Tapout Shirts Allowed

Captain America's Copyright Infringement

Shop 616

Zombie Obama Variant

-5 to Charisma

Rob Liefeld's Bicep and Pouch Emporium

Atomic Comic Collection Connection
-but you have to wear a butterfly henchman costume to work everyday.

(I bet the markup on BDSM props is even better than on imported resin statuettes, and probably a fair amount of overlap in customers as well)

-I suppose the business plan here is to set up a little alarm thing that plays a chime when people walk in through the door instead plays Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds saying "NERDS!"

Though none of those names worked, I believe more than a name itself, I do hope the comic shop windows aren't covered full of paper and other comic book shit like every other comic shop allowing a little light in. You'll actually make it look like something other than a place losers go to avoid sunlight and their parents.

Though I still maintain the idea that it should have a name that makes it look like a porn store. This way it may actually get a lot of accidental traffic from people in the demographic anyway.

In the end, none of these names worked. Which is fine, though I still beg to differ that half of them are utterly awesome. If you open up a shop and name it any one of these, I ask for the payment of one green lantern comic of my choice.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm Going To Complain About The Bible

I'm Going To Complain About The Bible

Just a heads up, I'm going to complain about the bible. I mean, what's there not to complain about this terribly written piece of shit book. I'm sure in 1,000 years people will be treating The Secret like a gospel. Then again, if my sister is any indication, they already do.

So why this hate for the bible all of the sudden? Well, it's never out of season for me to hate organize religion. But perhaps this hate comes from the fact that Texas is about to make teaching the bible law.
WHITEHOUSE, TX (KLTV) - The school year is almost here, and if literature of the Bible is not already offered in your child's school, it will be this fall.

Books are a common sight in classrooms around the nation, but the Bible is one book that is not. Come this fall, a Texas law says all public schools must offer information relating to the Bible in their curriculum.

School officials said schools have not enforced the law because of confusion over the bill's wording and lack of state funding.

For now, each school district must find a way to fill the requirement before the seats are filled with students.

How long until the Supreme Court strikes this down in a 5-4 decision? I mean, I'll go ahead and dish it on how the bible breaks down.

The Bible. The Pentateuch (first half) is written about Moses and his bloodthirsty murderous jealous immoral god. It's clearly written hundreds of years after Moses' death, by cavemen who had no understanding of the cosmos.

The new testament is about an insane man who claims to be god and/or the son of god. The gospels are conflicting and contradictory, written hundreds of years after the supposed non-events.

So I have to wonder why poison children's minds about stories of walking on water and bringing back the dead? Teaching religion is unconstitutional and immoral. Wondering why? It's called the establishment clause in the constitution (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion). When you start establishing laws that teach a specific religion (in this case Christianity) its clearly going against the constitution

Many people say that the bible is probably the best book to lead your life by. I say you're full of fucking shit if you think that. Either that or you clearly haven't actually read the bible. It's fucking boring and pointless as shit. They claim that you have to sit down with it or an annotated version that cuts out the most pointless bits. But even then, it's still very much boring as hell.

If anything, I doubt they'll be teaching what's actually in the bible. Check out some of the following things you can find in this wonderful book:

Jesus Christ said:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Yup, Jesus is big brother here.

Jesus Christ said:

Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit [homosexuality] are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
The New Testament is just as horrific as old testament. At least the new testament doesn't have god ordering the israelites to commit genocide. The old testament is full of these sorts of things. All of which are done in hilariously over the top Michael Bay type manner.
"Then the Philistines came up and encamped in Judah, and made a raid on Lehi. The men of Judah said, “Why have you come up against us?” They said, “We have come up to bind Samson, to do to him as he did to us.” Then three thousand men of Judah went down to the cleft of the rock of Etam, and they said to Samson, “Do you not know that the Philistines are rulers over us? What then have you done to us?” He replied, “As they did to me, so I have done to them.” They said to him, “We have come down to bind you, so that we may give you into the hands of the Philistines.” Samson answered them, “Swear to me that you yourselves will not attack me.” They said to him, “No, we will only bind you and give you into their hands; we will not kill you.” So they bound him with two new ropes, and brought him up from the rock. When he came to Lehi, the Philistines came shouting to meet him; and the spirit of the Lord rushed on him, and the ropes that were on his arms became like flax that has caught fire, and his bonds melted off his hands. Then he found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, reached down and took it, and with it he killed a thousand men. And Samson said, “With the jawbone of a donkey, heaps upon heaps, with the jawbone of a donkey I have slain a thousand men.” When he had finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone; and that place was called Ramath-lehi."

And god said unto thy, kill people as if thy were Jack Bauer. And for you folks at home looking for when Jesus did some gay bashing. He didn't. He never said anything about gays. It was 100% Paul on that factor. The closes that Jesus did was talk about marriage.
"He who made man from the beginning, made them male and female. And he said: For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder" (Matthew 19:4-6, emphasis mine)
"Whoever shall put away his wife and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if the wife shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery" (Mark 10:11, 12 -- Cf. Matthew 19:9; Luke 16:18)
So I guess he just talked about the marriage structure... Though I still stand by my statement that if they really want to get all technical on this shit, there's a lot worse restrictions that everyone should be going through in order to get married.

Most of all, if we're talking about slippery slopes here, how about the one where Jesus is talking about the true nature of sexual relations as is reflected of the love Jesus has for a his bride, the church. I'm sure after gays marry, the next thing you know people will want to marry their church!

I suppose the bible is good for bigotry, hatred and making stupid rules to try to follow. Back to Samson, he was pretty much the best part of the bible. I mean, his death scene alone just screams for some big screen treatment.
"23Now the lords of the Philistines gathered to offer a great sacrifice to their god Dagon, and to rejoice; for they said, “Our god has given Samson our enemy into our hand.” 24When the people saw him, they praised their god; for they said, “Our god has given our enemy into our hand, the ravager of our country, who has killed many of us.” 25And when their hearts were merry, they said, “Call Samson, and let him entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. They made him stand between the pillars; 26and Samson said to the attendant who held him by the hand, “Let me feel the pillars on which the house rests, so that I may lean against them.” 27Now the house was full of men and women; all the lords of the Philistines were there, and on the roof there were about three thousand men and women, who looked on while Samson performed. 28Then Samson called to the Lord and said, “Lord God, remember me and strengthen me only this once, O God, so that with this one act of revenge I may pay back the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. 30Then Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” He strained with all his might; and the house fell on the lords and all the people who were in it. So those he killed at his death were more than those he had killed during his life."
But again, none of this will be taught as what it really is. Moral stories written hundreds of years after the said fake event occurred. It's like trying to teach the Odyessy as if it's actual history. No one should read the bible as a history book. Not unless you want to really uncover how shitty humanity really is.

Especially considering how poor our school systems are doing these days and how cut back teachers are, I really hope this shit gets knocked the fuck out. I meet enough ignorant texas in my day, I don't need to meet more of them. Especially when I look forward to doing an American Southwest road trip next year.

In closing.... FUCK THE BIBLE.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Let's Hug It Out

Let's Hug It Out

I'm not much of a fan of hugs. I mean, I'll give them and receive them. But to me it's always a little awkward. I never know which way to go in for the hug nor do I ever really know what to do with my hands when they're wrapped around the person. Do I pat them on the back? Do I place them down? God damn, too much pressure! Well, perhaps the school system works to protect my interest.. You see, the Hug lyfe style may be up for grabs
May 30 (UPI) -- Hugging among U.S. teenagers has become so prevalent some schools say they've banned the embrace or imposed limits on how long they last.

"Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory," said Noreen Hajinlian, principal of George G. White School, a junior high school in Hillsdale, N.J., which banned hugging. "It wasn't a greeting. It was happening all day."

Hajinlian's school is among those from New Jersey to Bend, Ore., that have clamped down on hugging, The New York Times reported Saturday.

Ritual hugging has become so popular that students feel pressured to partake, said Gabrielle Brown, a freshman at Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School in New York.

"If somebody were to not hug someone, to never hug anybody, people might be just a little wary of them and think they are weird or peculiar," Brown said.

The phenomenon reflects how physical boundaries have changed, said Amy Best, a sociologist at George Mason University.

"We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people's bodies," Best said.
Well, I'm glad this was nipped in the bud early. Can't let those kids thinking that touching is a-ok. What next, do they think they can be seen dancing together? What limits will these kids stop at? Is this just a case of a principal projecting her social phobias on the school populace or did this school actually build up some sort of strange system where people were literally hugging all of the time? Maybe the kids were dry humping and saying "It's just a hug"? I don't know. Can anybody from the area shine some light on this?

It is also possible that this story was thought up by someone just to try to hassle the principal by having tons of outraged internet people call her office demanding to know why she hates hugs. Because that's the only logical conclusion I can come up with to this. That we're actively trying to completely stunt this generation's social growth in any way possible. I know, I know. Every generation thinks the next one is the worst, but we didn't ban hugging in my school. Between this "no touching ever" shit, banning games, and zero tolerance, this generations kids are going to be quite a sight in the near future

I suppose they are trying to protect the children, right? I know a couple of hugsluts. They're all full of HTD's. We should warn kids of those because once you hug someone, you have to be aware of what you can get from them. Some HTD's can't be cured and will be with you forever.

It's odd because I've always seen teenagers hugging as a greeting/parting thing. What sort of person is afraid to hug a friend? I can understand how it could be annoying after a while if it's something you do every time you see someone or say goodbye. But if you're approached to get a hug, you might as well bite the bullet and run with it. Whenever one person starts going in for the hug another and they're not reciprocating, it's always the first that looks awkward. So don't be a dick, just let the hug go on. You're not going to get aids from it or anything.

I figured this was one of those backward-ass midwest things, unit I read the second paragraph. Come on NJ, we're better than that. You old fogies are all just jealous seeing all the young ones getting action without any help from little blue pills. I mean, sometimes hugging does cause a stiff salute, especially among sexually awkward, inexperienced teens. What next, will you old folks ban fist-pumping?

Making hugging a taboo only makes hungging more popular. Soon, kids are going to be having unsuprervised late night hugging parties. I think parents should educate their children on hugs so that they can do it resonsibly. Just like how they created DARE for drugs.

In my home, I learned about hugging early on. Of course none of us were hugging each other, but I grew up seeing how my sisters hugged their boyfriends, how mom and dad hugged each other and I guess it sort of took the mystique out of it. Not to say I didn't hug a couple of people that I regretted or hugged a couple of folks I didn't care about, but I think it's a healthier way to raise kids in the long run.

Where are the parents in all this? They're the ones that need to be teaching their children about responsible hugging. We can't leave it up to the schools as they opt to teach just not hugging at all! Kids will be kids. They're going to hug it out. If they're not taught how to safely hug one another, then we'll have a rise in unwanted friendships.

I went to a catholic school. So I'm surprised they didn't follow this and ban all forms of PDA at our school when I was younger. I guess it wouldn't have mattered much to me anyway as I had no ladyfriend to hug. They didn't even do much about hand holding. At some point even high-5's were also suspect. But I think it got under the radar due to the brevity of it.

You have to wonder what parents will try to ban next? I mean, maybe the high five is the next thing on the list. I would be pretty strange to see a ban on high fives
Deer Park Primary lollipop man slapped with high-five ban

A COUNCIL has defended its decision to ban a Deer Park North school crossing supervisor from high-fiving students and parents.

Lollipop man Charlie Cremona has welcomed the children of Deer Park North Primary School in Melbourne’s west for the past 18 years.

After standing in the sun, rain and wind twice daily for all those years, he was stunned when told recently he must stop “high-fiving” students and parents on his Hovell St crossing.

But Brimbank city development general manager Peter Collina said the ban was in response to a parent’s complaint about “a number of concerns, including that of physical contact with the children”.
...Well then. I guess they got that number for the high-5's. No more up highs or down lows. But you know what, I have to laugh at this. Pfft! These people think too small. Banning hugging and high fives won't do half the psychological damage of Forbidding eye contact and speaking! Oh wait, this Pinsacola Christian College beat me to it

PCC also has strict policies regarding mixed-gender interaction. Physical contact between members of the opposite sex is not permitted under any circumstance. Written permission of the dean’s office must be procured for all off-campus meetings between members of the opposite sex. In addition, all mixed-gender meetings (on and off-campus), must have a PCC chaperone present.[8] Most stairwells and elevators on campus are segregated by gender. In the absence of being able to have physical contact, a fad has developed among dating students on campus where couples stare deeply into each other’s eyes. This practice by students is variously called "eye kissing", or "optical intercourse" and is jokingly called "making eye babies".[8] This activity however is discouraged by the administration.

Now God is just fucking with me. I give up. I can't think of anything that some religious nuts haven't already come up with to ban because they want to think of the children. Or more true they want to stop others from experiencing life. The most annoying aspect of all this is that it's the baby boomers that are preventing this shit. What a lot of double standard assholes. Weren't you the fuckers who got high off anything and listened to music in your hippie state? Now you want to stop all forms of connection between people? Talk about the huge balls on these fuckers.