Tuesday, April 1, 2008

In Which I Call April A Whore

In Which I Call April A Whore

Now April, this is tough for me. You should sit down for this. It’s sort of hard to say. I like you, I really do. You contain the day that I get one day closer to death. I think I know why April Showers.. it's because you’re out there whoring it up in your whore shoes! This isn’t funny, how could you April? You get around. It’s as simple as that. Oh, don’t play innocent with me. I have the proof. Let’s look at all the things you allow to take place as 'National' holidays or at the very least days of importance.

April has these month long celebrations.


  • National Humor Month - Ha ha, no shit, April fools starts the month off, do we need it to be all month long? I have no idea how much Rick rollin' I could take
  • International Guitar Month - I’ll go get my Guitar hero and we’ll rock it
  • Keep America Beautiful Month - Earth day doesn’t cover this how?
  • Lawn and Garden Month -Dogs have to have some place to piss, right?
  • National Grilled Cheese month -Okay, I like cheese, I’ll let this one slide. DOWN MY THROAT! OOOOH YEAH!
  • Poetry Month - Oh get this! Get the fuck out of my month!
  • National Pecan Month - Cause everyone likes a nut.
  • National Welding Month - Wait.. what?
  • Records and Information Management Month -... I just don’t know how to bash this one.
  • Stress Awareness Month - Which, oddly enough causes even more stress in itself.
  • Sexual Assault Awareness Month - This one makes sense, as it feels my month was just raped.
  • Alcohol Awareness Month - Yeah, I’m aware of it, now pour me a drink
  • Child Abuse Prevention Month - I think every month should be this. Just saying.
  • National Donate Life Month -So you’re not suppose to kill someone, I take it.
  • National Kite Month - I like kites, I don’t think they deserve a month.
  • National Car Care Month - Stop treating your car like shit, please.
  • National Occupational Therapy Month -Scientologist need not apply.

You also have these celebrations that weren’t good enough to last the month. So you only get them for one quarter of the time.

Weekly Celebrations:

  • Week 1 Library Week -Libraries, Not just for bums on the internet!
  • Weekend 1 Alcohol-free weekend - Yeah, no thanks, I want to get drunk before my birthday.
  • Week 1 Read a Road Map Week. -How about getting on the open road?
  • Week 2 Garden Week -Already covered in the stupid month long thing
  • Week 3 Organize Your Files Week -Data entry wasn’t enough?
  • Week 3 Medical Labs Week -sure.. why not.
  • Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week -Data entry sure likes to spread themselves this entire month, don’t they?
  • Week 4 National Karaoke Week - Which is odd since the month starts off with an alcohol free weekend only to end with an activity that needs as much alcohol as possible.
  • Week 4, National TV-Turnoff week - What? Crazy talk. This is my month and as someone who makes his bread and butter off TV, it’s not going off!

And while all those long term celebrations are enough to make you question the moral standards of the month, we get to the real reason why April is such a whore. Sometimes it even has more than one celebration per day. Here’s the list of the official days as well as what silly meaning they hold. .

Each Day:

1 April Fool’s Day - Yes, we all get it. It’s the day you can prank someone when they most likely expect it. Hey, how about this, pull a prank on someone on March 31st or April 2nd, that’ll be a real surprise.

1 International Tatting Day I thought this was tattooing at first but then realized it wasn’t that cool.

2 Children’s Book Day I guess this one is alright. It’s not the worse on the list.

2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Did this really need a full day? It’s a sandwich. Maybe just keep it to a National lunch holiday.

2 Reconciliation Day Who cares if they cheated on you with your sister, the day commands you to reconciliate.

3 Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day - we know your decision. This should just be an offical ditch day.

3 Tweed Day What the hell?

4 Hug a Newsman Day Did Harold Greene create this holiday up? John Beard perhaps? Both of those need a hug after getting fired/losing their job.

4 National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month and really ignored in any city. Hell, even folks in he country can’t walk to work.

4 Walk Around Things Day you mean like you do every other day of the year?

4 School Librarian Day pfft, they don’t have to deal with the bums like real Librarians.

4 Tell a Lie Day The lie is that this is a holiday

5 Go for Broke Day Or just stay broke today.

6 Plan Your Epitaph Day - a little morbid if you ask me. But shit, better to be safe than sorry.

6 Sorry Charlie Day What does this one mean? You have to say sorry to every charlie you see?

7 Caramel Popcorn Day - Most likely created by a popocorn maker, or an Ecard company. Either way, you’ll pop if you don’t celebrate it.

7 No Housework Day Most home makers celebrate this day every day of the year.

7 World Health Day We can’t even get health care down for the U.S., let’s not try to get the whole world covered just so easily.

8 All is Ours Day I have no clue. I seriously have no clue.

8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day seriously, what?

9 Name Yourself Day wait.. what?

9 Winston Churchill Day Ok, I can buy this one. The man was great

10 Golfer’s Day Because golfers need another day off to play golf?

10 National Siblings Day I’m not sure what you do here. It’s like the Mother/Fathers day for your siblings, I guess.

11 Eight Track Tape Day - do you remember those? Why would anyone?

11 Barbershop Quartet Day Celebrate something you only see at Disneyland!

12 Big Wind Day - this day blows.

12 Russian Cosmonaut Day fuck that, we beat them to the moon, sure they shot a dog into space and broke orbit, but we staged the moon landing, so give us the credit!

13 Blame Someone Else Day Who do I blame for these stupid holidays?

13 Scrabble Day Ok, I can get behind this one. Simply because I play the game. But do you need a national holiday to play it?

14 Ex Spouse Day Cause you needed a day to celebrate dumping their deadbeat ass.

14 International Moment of Laughter Day Other nations are laughing at this and our other stupid holidays.

14 Look up at the Sky Day - don’t you have anything better to do?

14 National Pecan Day Sometimes you feel like a nut, and that’s because you celebrate days like this

14 Reach as High as You Can Day This is a day to celebrate what exactly?

15 Rubber Eraser Day Someone should rub this day off the calender.

15 Titanic Remembrance Day Do not play that stupid song, do not play that stupid movie. Just no. Seriously, no!

16 National Eggs Benedict Day You have to have eggs to celebrate this day.

16 National Librarian Day They deserve a round of applause for kicking out so many homeless after taking too much time on the internet access there.

16 National Stress Awareness Day Don’t stress out about missing this day.

17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day I.. am confused. So is there a yadda yadda yadda day?

17 National Cheeseball Day Ok, I’ll support this day because I like cheese balls. To Hot Wings!

18 International Juggler’s Day - also applies to multi tasking office workers, which is stupid. Really, who doesn’t juggle a lot of things at once? People who celebrate stupid days like this one, that’s who.

18 Newspaper Columnists Day And if you’re at the LA Times, just be thankful you have a job.

18 Pet Owners Independence Day So do you let your animals run free?

19 National Garlic Day Fuck you Basil, Kiss my ass sea salt!

20 Look Alike Day In SoCal, every day looks alike with any other day. Sunny and in the 70’s.

20 Volunteer Recognition Day And if you’re getting recognition for volunteering, you’re not volunteering, you’re getting payment in the form of recognition. So yeah, this is like celebrating the unknown soldier’s day as Bob’s day.

21 Kindergarten Day Cause nothing says party like busting out the chips and kool-aid.

21 Patriot’s Day - third Monday of the month and really, we wouldn’t want the terrorist to win.

22 Girl Scout Leader Day So buy some over priced fattening cookies on this day.

22 National Jelly Bean Day And another food celebration day. This time for candy. FOR CANDY! I can understand Halloween but not this. Not this at all!

23 Lover’s Day I’m just confused as to why we need this day.

23 National Zucchini Bread Day - they hold this at a time when you are not sick
of all that zucchini. But then again, who really wants Zucchini anyway?

23 Take a Chance Day So what makes this day any different than any other? Like Valentine’s day, everyday you should be taking a chance at something. If you aren’t, then you’re really missing out.

23 World Laboratory Day NERDS!

12 Astronomy Day - Even as a space nerd I can’t stand behind this.

24 Pig in a Blanket Day We have to stop celebrating food days.

25 East meets West Day So.. what does this celebrate again?

25 World Penguin Day what?

26 Executive Admin’s Day (Secretary’s Day) I like how they had to change it because Secretary is not PC enough.

26 Hug an Australian Day No. Seriously. No! Just give them a fosters and let them talk about how it’s not really good beer from down under and how you need to drink the queen’s beer or some shit.

26 National Pretzel Day Another Holiday created by corporate America.

26 Richter Scale Day This is a Holiday? When’s 'Radiation ticker' day?

27 Babe Ruth Day So grab a bat, chug a lot of alcohol and take a couple of swings. Babe would be proud.

27 National Prime Rib Day Now this, I can get behind.

27 Tell a Story Day This should be changed to 'Tell a story WELL' day. Because I know far too many people who just tell really boring stories I want no part of.

28 Great Poetry Reading Day Really, stop being such a pussy.

28 Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry. That’ll be the sure fire thing to get laid. Don’t we have one of these back in the middle of Febuary?

29 Greenery Day What does this one even mean? We have a couple of earthy days in April already.

29 National Shrimp Scampi Day Forget Hallmark Holidays, this is a Red Lobster manufactured holiday.

30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day -This is a good one, I normally don’t appreciate the hair style I have and just wake up and go. Thank goodness for this holiday to teach me a thing or two about proper hair care.

30 National Honesty Day -Honesty, You want honest? I think all these 'special' days in the month are too much. Now

As you can see April is a dirty dirty used up whore of a month. It has no shame and it’s not even trying anymore. How can all these celebrations come in on the same month? There should be some committee that green lights these things. It’s completely insane to let all these "holidays" squeeze in there. I’m getting boned out of my Birthday by No Housework day?

I’m about to kick you out on your ass and find a new month to be born in. How could you? How could you allow so many to just plant themselves into your month and use it for all it was worth.

Have some self respect. Especially when this isn’t even counting two important days in April. The 15th being Tax deadline and the week of the 19th through the 27th that is freaking Passover. All those days and they forgot Passover?