Valentine's Cards Part 2

Baby, you know you couldn't keep me away for so long. You knew you were going to come back to me. Just face the fact, you like it. Sure you have to lie about those black eyes, but it's worth it. Oh wait.. you're just back for your stuff? Guess I over estimated myself. Oh, you just want to see the second part of stupid Valentine's day cards! I'll take what I can get, baby!

The last time it was just Dino's. And let me tell you, people get over those large lizards after the 3rd grade. So let's focus on Pop culture that will actually get you somewhere.

We're starting now, so get your ticket ready.

No time for love, Doctor Jones!

KALLIMA SHAKTI DE!

Getting any idea on what film series I like?

THIS WAY INDY! .

Oh how I love this line.Though "So do you!" doesn't follow it so well.

Again, I love the Simpsons.

If you know this Indy game... Well then would YOU be my Valentine?

Forget the Penis Mightier, Umbrela's seem to bet planes for some reason!

The Obi Wan Cafe has never been the same after that one night.

History is great for comedy!

I see ABC has actually taken notice and is offering Valentine's Cards of their creations likeLOST and GREY'S ANATOMY. While Grey's would more than likely get you laid, here's some Lost ones that will only lead to more questions.

Let me get your digits, babe.

But you becareful because of the Locke... HA! Get it.... no? damn

Enough of being LOST, let's go BACK... TO THE FUTURE!

Yeah, and one day America will vote for a black President

Awww, you see. Now this just goes too far and in poor taste.. and yet funny. Oh so funny.

And now we know how Lucas thought it up.

You impact my heart at 88 mph's, baby!

Sure it's no Rick Roll, but it'll do.

Ok, I have to end it with another Indiana Jones one. Simply because I can't close my eyes on this one...

And I'm sure these will help you with your VD. Wait, that sounds odd. Enjoy the Hallmark Holiday.

Valentine's Cards Part 1

I'm sure you remember those days back in your early school years. Come February 14th you had your paper bag stapled to the front of your desk and you damn sure hoped that little Carmen two rows next to you was gearing up to give you that oh so sweet paper and card showing you that you're her one true love? The reality is that the constant physical attention you paid her and verbal abuse method of attracting her attention didn't actually help in landing that sweet Valentine's Card. In fact, none of those cards you could buy over the counter were anything near romantic. But you have to admit they were fun. They related to what was hip and happening at the time. All filled with cliches and puns that would make anyone sick these days. The chalky terrible candy hearts with messages on them were something you looked forward to cause shit, it was candy. I was walking the local Valentine's section to see what today's youth were giving out in terms of cards and I was a little surprised.

They didn't go far enough. Besides, if you're going to do Dino's, you might as well go the full distance with it. So I present to you some of the more comical sides of Dino Valentine's day cards that should be showing up. Part 1 cause, you guessed it, there will be a second side to this tomorrow.

We start with a classic play on words!

Dino's, She'll pretty much have to..

Awwww, how cwute

Fuck you, I love the Simpsons and everyone will know it!

Nothing is better than the truth this Valentine's day!

Bringing together the great things in life. Jeff Goldblum and Love.

Cause really, the only thing I think about when I think Dino's is Jurassic Park...

You think I'm kidding? I shit you not. Fuck you Spielberg.

This will get you laid. Even if you're a 5th grader. Trust me fellas.

And thus ends Part 1. If you don't think Lizards are sexy or any method of making your significant other happy this Corporate Holiday, stay tune for Part 2 for some Film related Valentine's Cards

Rocking The Vote

ROCKING THE VOTE

Like anything else, Voting has become something that had to one up itself every few years. We got the ol' saying Vote early and vote often to mock people voting multiple times and buying votes. Then the MTV generation stepped in and we got Rock the Vote. It was a great way to get young voters. Working the polls a couple of years I could tell you that seeing someone under 25 come in to vote was a rare sight. The next idea was to turn the dial up 11 and bring out the VOTE OR DIE statement. That one scared the shit out of me. Was Diddy going to go door to door with a gun?



Lets face it. The youth wont vote. Unless you make it some hot line number and Sanjaya is on the list. That'll be the best way to make folks vote, make it more like American Idol. I'd rather vote for Sanjaya than for Ron Paul. Ron Paul is just insane and a stupid choice for anyone. Then again, there needed to be a choice for all those fools who tossed away their vote to Nader four years ago. But the Ron Paul movement is just as bad as the Snakes on a Plane viral marketing.

Take for example Push ups for Paul. While it is a nice thought, it's not going to do anything but leave this fella without much excerse. I'm sure that www.handjobsforhuckabee.com is clearly what won him West Virginia. I can't say the same for www.RimmingForRudy2008.com. It just goes to show you what sort of sexual act are more accepted than others. And since I just figure out a good pun for Obama, www.blowjobsforbarack.com won him Georgia. A state that still outlaws anal sex. I mean, how is that enforced? Then again, they had to change it to www.oralforobama.com because BJ's may be to gender specific in a race where Obama is fighting for that female vote. I know what you're thinking, 'Nothing for Hillary?'. Nah, I'd rather not make her cry. She'll win in a landslide if that happened.

One of the best things about election time is that I get to show off my inner nerd (ok, outer nerd) by wearing election buttons for fictitious characters such as:






All of which are just winks and nudges to other nerds. It's like the secret society handshake to all those freaks and geeks and it wont get you beat up like you would walking out of the Audio/Video club. They do leave you open to questions about what views those characters hold and if they all want to run out them job stealing Mexicans from this country.

So where does this leave us? With the options of having no options. I don't know about you, but I like my veterans to physically and mentally disintegrate hidden away beneath highway overpasses. So that crosses McCain off the list of hopefuls. Mitt Romney also received some consideration but then I remembered he was Republican and I'll vote Republican only when the Terminator is on the ballot.



This leaves us with the Democratic candidates for president. Of them, only two remain viable choices. Senator Hillary Clinton, who is a woman and Senator Brack Obama, who is black and name rhymes with Osama. Both were on the platform of Change. Hillary one-upped that platform by adding some words at the end. Being married to Bill, she does appeal to the black voters. Obama actually being black also taps into that field. As you can tell, this head-to-head competition is going to be tough for the both of them. I have no time to deal with the amount of feedback from feminist groups or those that want to play the race card. So just flip a coin and vote one way or another. Now that's a good voting saying "You might as well flip a coin."

Get over it already

GET OVER IT ALREADY

It's going to sound harsh but it's the truth. If there was ever an example of seeing the need to say get over it, it's now. It may be tough but it's a much needed kick of reality. The FCC came down with a huge fine against ABC for some ass shot in NYPD that aired four years ago.

FCC Fines ABC $1.4 Million for butt shot

FCC fines ABC $1.4M for buttocks scene

It's been a long time coming, but on Friday the FCC finally said that it intends to fine ABC and some of its affiliates $1.4 million for bun-baring. The offending buttocks appeared in an episode of "NYPD Blue" that aired back in February 2003. The episode depicted a young kid accidentally walking in on a nude woman who was about to take a shower. The footage shows the naked woman from the side and the back, which the FCC has decided falls foul of indecency regulations because it depicts a sexual organ – i.e., an adult woman's buttocks, according to the FCC decision. As such the footage shouldn't have been shown between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. This episode of the since-canceled show aired at 9 p.m. in the Central and Mountain time zones. The regulator proposes that 52 affiliates and ABC owned stations should each fork out $27,500 in fines. ABC, which plans to appeal, has said that it doesn't believe that the footage violated the regulations. Furthermore all broadcasts of the show carried parental warnings.

Ok, I get it -Wont anyone think of the Children! I'm sure all the Children who were up at 10pm watchng NYPD would have more questions about life, death and the exposure of Andy Sipowicz constant ass that seeing a chicks ass on NYPD Blue is as rare as seeing CSI not remind you that it's located in Vegas every few minutes. That and CSI has tons of nude bodies. All of which are dead.

My only concern is that this may mean NYPD Blue gets canceled... oh wait, it's been off the air for years now. I'm sure that any child whos mind was visual raped by the image of some females ass is now old enough to have taken part of stranger shit than what you would ever see on TV. Really FCC, what's the point of all those millions tossed into the Ratings system and mandating that every new television set include the V-Chip if you were going to unleash these stupid fees years later.

Back in 2003 NYPD Blue wasn't doing great ratings. So the chances that folks actually saw this was small. Now that the FCC makes a big stink out of it you can rest assure that every 13 year old is going to go on Youtube and find it today.



I think the only funny thing about all this is that we'll have to hear an explanation as to how the ass is being considered a sexual organ. Little Johnny all this time just assumed that it was for pooping. Much like the Clinton blow job. Kids seem to learn more about sex from the news than from seeing it first hand.

This is one that I may come off as insensitive about, especially since that's what Fox News claim in the story, but it's the truth. I'm sure that if I was in some Texas bar and said this I'd be shot dead as a terrorist, but the topic is something we need to get over already. 9/11. Yeah, that's right, I said it. If this is my last entry, please send all my belongings care of Jihad Javier at Guantanamo Bay.

CLOVERFIELD NOT SENSITIVE ABOUT 9/11

Matt Reeves' "Cloverfield," produced by J.J. Abrams of "Lost" and "Alias" fame, is an 84-minute rollercoaster ride of a monster movie that should be a big hit.

But Cloverfield also inadvertently disses New York for what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, by re-enacting scenes of buildings exploding and massive clouds of debris for fun and profit.

Does no one recall what was said following the World Trade Center disasters? There was such sensitivity about the huge human losses that images of the Twin Towers were erased from movie posters and excised from films.

Yet six years later, the "Cloverfield" gang is cool enough with it to show New York being pulverized. Very quickly and without warning, downtown New York is destroyed. The first bit of damage is depicted by a World Trade Center-like structure exploding and collapsing downward, sending off a cloud not unlike those my friends ran from that day.

Here we are six years later and we're still playing this card? A building exploding should not just flash back you to 9/11. Die Hard and other action films have been abusing explosions long before and long after 9/11.

Why limit our ability to tell stories or to create new ones based on our past? The original Godzilla was a cultural response to a major national trauma in Japan. Getting the shit nuked out of. As well as the fear and uncertainty of this new power. Cloverfield is exactly the same thing. You have a culture growing up on videos from total strangers with the rise of Youtube. Do some of the scenes in Cloverfield have a sort of reaction that those who were around ground zero? Yeah, but that's not a bad thing and it's not Cloverfield making fun of that situation. If anything, it's putting you right there during a situation that you know nothing about and how the characters are dealing with it.

Most of all, if we can't reflect and learn from our past then we're no better than your modern emo band. 9/11 was tragic, but playing insensitivity card is too much. Why can't we be more like Japan? Instead of being whinny pussies about the situation they better themselves with technology years ahead of us and strange game shows.


Besides, it's not like Cloverfield was marketed as a 9/11 "ripped from the headlines" event. There has already been many September 11th movies themselves. Our Government sure likes to play the Never Forget card every time they want to approve more money to fight this war on terror. How about you just enjoy Cloverfield for what it is instead of dragging it in the mud with any notion that it's trying to do something to the image of the tragic day? Perhaps "Get over it" is a little harsh. The point still stands that we should be a bit more thick skinned about it. The only way to grow is to look to our past and not let it hold us back from becoming better.

1-18-08 Never Forget.

West of the Rockies...

If you never wandered the word of the AM dial on your radio late at night, then you have no idea who Art Bell is and what Coast to Coast is. I'm not sure if you're the luckiest or the most deprived person alive.Coast 2 Coast is a nationally syndicated radio talk show on your local AM dial (KFI 640 for us L.A. folk) That is your one stop shop for wierd shit. The show is made up of callers that provide all the insane entertainment one can want from a train wreck. You have your crazy conspiracy theories, truckers who are convinced that aliens have buzzed their trucks, underground reptilians, war between vampires and angels, ghost, spirits and unfortunately a bit of the new agey bullshit that becomes a little annoying.

It's hosted by three people. Two of which I couldn't give much crap about. Art Bell is the original host and has pretty much retired from the show, but comes back to host the Halloween (Ghost to Ghost) and New Years editions of the show which is an open lines prediction. All of which are utterly batshit, talking about how aliens are going to finally reveal themselves this year or that Mecca is going to get nuked by the evil syndicate running the world or how Reptilians are finally going to come out of Mel's hole.

Suffice to say, it's pretty entertaining. The shows could be found here for streaming purposes First Show and second New Years Eve show. And while I know that we are already a good month into this new and amazing year, I figured it would be nice to pick out the cream of the crop and comment on some of these.

Predictions for 2008 made by the callers of Coast 2 Coast.

The 2007 WD5 asteroid will hit Mars, and the remnants of an ancient civilization will be revealed.

Sadly, that same asteroid will also destroy any remnants of said ancient civilization.

A helicopter will crash into a non-residential building (medical or business), stated Yvonne from New York.

Will a Plane crashing into cow crap Corona count?

Max suggested that the Dow will drop to below 11,000.

A prediction that the U.S. economy wont be great? Woah there Max, you're going out on a limb with that prediction...

Bill in Salinas believes that 'Bugs' will resurface and lead researchers to the remains of buried Bigfoot.

It'll be funny if it's found in a shallow grave right outside of Vegas. Cause lord knows that's where I go to bury a body.

The dollar will tank in the second week of March, and will be dumped worldwide, declared Bob from Arkansas.

Good thing I already converted my savings into Disney Dollars to prepare for this prediction.

And for the first time Art Bell, himself, made a prediction--Al Gore will jump into the race at the last moment in hopes of being drafted.

And I thought that after years of hosting the show, Art Bell would be crazy enough to back up Ron Paul. Color me surprised.

New Orleans will encounter problems with violence, when the NBA All-Star game comes to town.

I'm sure the flood washed away all the trouble makers. You have nothing to worry about.



After two more box office flops, Tom Cruise will renounce Scientology and become a born-again Christian, claimed Joey in Pahrump.

Isn't that cute, the utterly insane talking about the batshit insane.

A new, almost unlimited, source of water will be found in the Southwest US, near volcanic mountains.

Forget water, find me a good bar to find a drink at in the Southwest. Especially one without crappy tex-mex!

There will be no hurricanes over North America in '08, said Tim in Texas

After living a year in Florida, I have to say this is like saying there wont be any red necks at Nascar events this year.

A steam roller accident in Charleston, SC will take many lives

KILLDOZER!!!!!

Nick said the US and the international community will end up boycotting the '08 Olympics because of actions by China.

When its discovered that they laced the Olympic torch with lead.

Dan in San Francisco foresees Osama Bin Laden calling for an end to the jihad and uniting the world's religions.

My prediction is that San Francisco is filled with too many hippies.

Northern California will have an earthquake over 9.0 in April, according to Neil.

I can only hope this one happens. Us in Southern California only needed our upper half for a steady supply of water and wine. If sacrificing that is needed to get rid of dope head hippies like Dan, I'm all for it.

Mothman incidents will return to PA area, starting on July 4th.

Get Richard Gere on the phone. I smell sequel! It's Mothman Profacies meets Oliver Stone!

Food prices will replace oil prices in news headlines.

GET ME A WHOPPER RIGHT NOW!

Mark in Denver sees Bush revealing the next generation of stealth fighter, which will end up being the Black Triangles UFOs.

He'll have no time do to such a thing, what with his focus on printing endless amounts of dollars to give to the people in the form of checks.

There will be a lot more school shootings.

Thanks.. that's detailed of a prediction. I knew the callers were insane. It seems they're also insanely vague.

Marty in California predicts a UFO being downed in the Lake Tahoe area and seen by many witnesses.

I predict that Marty will be too drunk during his trip to Lake Tahoe that UFOs are the least of what he'll be seeing.

An undisputed unified field theory will take humanity into space, said Michael.

And a brightly colored two chambered bong will take Michael to the next level of awesomeness.

Beth in Youngstown warned of a big disease coming from crows.

Someones played way too much Resident Evil.

There will be a series of three earthquakes in Hawaii-- 8.6, 7.2 and 6.3, probably in March, said Darren.

Not one or two but THREE? Damn, someone must not have liked their honeymoon.

Lightning will become sentient and attack people.

Wait.. what?

All this shows nothing but proof that Coast 2 Coast is full of insane callers. All of which are willing to let loose their insanity onto the world through ham radios and AM tuned radios. I am a little surprised that there was so few Alien related predictions. Usually you have a lot more loonies calling in about them. If you ever want to feel sane and normal late at night, tune your radio to Coast 2 Coast. You'll more than likely listen to some crazy idea that Reptilians are secretly integratng into society from Mel's hole in hopes to over throw the human hierarchy. All before the latest grey's abductee discusses how he sort of enjoyed the whole anal probe. And if this stuff doesn't phase you, you've listened to too much Coast 2 Coast.