BEAT THE HEAT - HAXOR DIS WEITHER RITE

BEAT THE HEAT - HAXOR DIS WITHER RITE

As you probably are aware of by the fact that your alarm clock literally melted when you tried to press the snooze button this morning, Southern California is going in to a heatwave. And not one that just burns in the heart - That's acid re-flux and you should probably take some medicine for that.

The next two days are going to be burning up the record temps in SoCal, so it's high time you find some means to stay a little cool and not completely die of the elements. If this is any indication of the future that is in store for us as global warming makes itself more known, I think we just need to adapt to the sort of new normal that is this heat wave. 

With that being said, I think I'm a smart enough dude to tell you whats up in the least possible Mansplaining way I can try to crank out of me. By be warned, it may contain some shocking truth bombs so real, that you'll have to check all reality itself to think if I'm full of it or if I'm really on the level and just being "Too Real" for all of ya.

So without further wait, I present you some of my helpful HEAT HACKS to HACK THE WEATHER SYSTEM TO THE EXTREME:

Take advantage of free AC Centers.  Walmart may be a great place to buy an "Impeach 45" shirt, but it's an even better place to get your free air condition on. All you do is go into the opening doors and stand there. Don't mind the elderly greeter who is looking at you funny. Whenever someone walks in, those full blast of AC will hit you and allow you to forget all of life's problems.

See, even though the store has questionable ethics and is part of the reason the whole economy is in the state that we are in, they can do some good. The only negative side to this is that the elderly greeter may engage you with small talk about how his generation was awesome and all you young punks need to get real jobs. Just nod you head when he gets in to the topic about how his social security doesn't cover things like they used to and maybe take away the perspective of better retirement investing from the lesson of this free Air Conditioned area. - Just kidding, no one in our generation is ever going to retire.

Do not look directly in to the Sun.  I don't even know why I have to remind you this. You're not that foolish, are you? If you stare in to the sun your eyes will glaze over and retinas will burn with the fire of a million Mustang cars reeving up. So perhaps you shouldn't stare in to the sun. This is helpful advice on days like this as well as days that are just normal and not blistering hot. Just don't do it, okay? 




STAY HYDRATED -  Much like how you should stay woke. remember to stay hydrated. Even when you're not thirsty you should be seeking water. We are in the California desert after all and you should always be looking for more sources to quench your thirst. Always remember, free water is everywhere. Just go in to any fast food joint and get a cup for water. They'll assume you're just going to get some soda from the machine, but actually get water. It'll blow their fucking minds to no end that someone isn't stealing soda via the free cup for water trick. Honestly, that's the more impressive part to this hack, seeing the reaction on their face when you actually just get water. Their lives as a fast food slinger has already become number to the fact that people are always going to steal soda from them.

Anyhow, the flip side to all this is that you should also be cautious to the fact that water is a harsh mistress. DO NOT, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you and you will resent its absence.  As countless Mad Max and other post apocalyptic films have taught us.

Crash in to a fire hydrant.  I constantly see this on old movies on TCM. Where kids in the big city like New York just break up a fire hydrant and use the spewing contents as a means to stay cool. I never actually did it myself and always wondered the merits of such vandalism, but it does seem like a cheap way to get free water and to stay out of the heat. Sure, it effects the cities infrustructure to the point of making it a hazard if there was an actual fire around. But come on, who doesn't like nostalgic fun like what is seen in the movies?  Side note, probably DON'T crash in to one and just use a big wrench to open one up.

Do not call the police on the black folks grilling in the park. I mean, this is one for all you white readers out there. It has very little to do with the fact that it's hot out and more to the fact that why you tripping so much lately and calling the cops like you got it on speed dial. Just stop. They're trying to escape the heat as well and you calling the cops on them just gonna wreck up their day something serious. Not to mention that it adds pressure on you, entitled white person, and the last thing you need on a day like today is to sweat more than you already are doing so because of the weather. So just let them be, yo.



Wipe responsibly - It's hot and depending on the type of heat be it humid or dry, you may want to just forget toilet paper and go with some wet wipes to get the job done in cleaning yourself after..... getting the job done in the bathroom. Your ass will thank you later, I assume. I'm not sure how one's own butt could be appreciative.

STAY COOL BY BEING COOL.  Perception is everything, after all. So to stay cool you gotta be cool. Or at least feel cool. What better way to stay cool than by going somewhere that is nothing but - A Tiki bar.  I can't think of anything more cool than a nice tiki bar. Little umbrella drinks and cool mugs just scream really coolness. And sure, people say that you shouldn't drink stuff with a lot of sugar on hot days like this, by the fifth Mai Tai, you won't even know where you are, let alone that you are sweating your balls off. So by all means, go to a tiki bar.


You should also be aware of the signs of dehydration during these times.  They include
-Dizziness
-Faintness
-Headaches
-Muscle-cramps
-Thinking that 311 is a cool band
-Wondering if you should sport a man bun
-Wanting to go see Mamma Mia 2
=You start seeing animated characters telling you to burn things



Things you should totally rock when its hot outside like this
-A Hat. But wear it straight and not backwards.
-Tank top or other loose fitting clothing. Unless you're a goth, then stand strong with your black, bro. No one gonna judge. Not like you care if the normies did anyway.
-Sunglasses. Worn in front of you. You're not cool enough to wear them on the back of your head nor will they be helpful
-Sunscreen/Sunblock.  I mean, unless you just like harsh pink sunburn look.

Make sure you protect your pets from this weather. Don't take them out and pretend they're service dogs. Everyone already just assumes you're full of shit and just want to have your fur baby with you at all time. Just stop it, Chad. No one believes that little furry rat is a goddamn animal that provides any sort of emotional comfort and well, it's getting a bit old, if you ask us. Leave your pet at home where they belong, Goddamn it.

Also, as much as you hate to call your parents, call them. The elderly are really endanger from this heat and unless you already locked in that really sweet Will you need them around and should call them to see if they are taking the extra steps to stay alright in this extreme weather.

The other random things I could think about are simple. Fill up a kiddie pool with ice, cold ones and water and just lay there all day in the shade until the whole thing blows over or you can't remember your own name from too much booze.

Keep lotions in the fridge and eat spicy food as both of those will somehow make you cooler. I mean, if itt's hotter in your mouth than it is outside, than you'll think everyone is a punk ass baby and just be a boss. Know what I'm saying. Also toss in your underwear in to the freezer. Sure, you'll have to explain shrinkage and all, but man, you haven't lived until your ass is colder than ice.

You can go to the movie theater and watch something to escape for two hours at a decent price. But like I said before, why the fuck would you go see Mamma Mia 2? What the fuck is wrong with you. I mean, Antman and Wasp came out today. Go see that. You'll feel a lot better and you won't pray that the heat killed you after it like you would with Mamma Mia 2. 

If this heat wave has taught you anything by now, it is that maybe you should be a nicer person to others and not sin so much. It's pretty clear that you can't handle this level of heat, how the fuck do you think you'll be able to handle Hell in its normal degrees.

GO AWAY, SECOND MONDAY!

GO AWAY, SECOND MONDAY!

I mean, no one likes you! What a rip off! Here we all were blowing stuff up, eating good hot dogs and talkin bout how great America is and now we're back to work.  We already had a Monday this week and it sucked as it got in the way between a weekend and the 4th by two whole days. Now you're telling me that I need to drudge along this work place for two more just to make it to the weekend?

No fair. I call foul. Ain't nobody got time for a second Monday. It should totes be against the law that one week could have two of them. I thought we were making America great again. Not like this, Not like this at all!

So what's the solution here? I mean, we already had one Sunday this week. That crushing feeling like the weekend is already over and you'll have to go back to the grind the next day. I don't even want to think about how soul crushing it'll be when Sunday part 2 happens in a few days. At the very least that one comes with the enjoyment that we'll have a Saturday to enjoy all up in there. Not like yesterday's Sunday, which totally didn't have any sort of build up and was just some coke binge of a weekend all in one day.

This is why everyone hates these mid week holidays. It just throws the whole goddamn system off. If it was only one day in either direction, it would have been so perfect. Then folks can make that elusive 4 day weekend either way they went with it. Now only the shady of shady folks will just try to go for the greedy level of a 9 day weekend. Something that is so rarely pulled off that you would have to be a little nuts to try.

I get it, you can't control when the fourth of July lands. It's the actual date and you can't just move the birthday of your country's independence... or can you?  I know this is just some second Monday morning quarter backing, but why the fuck didn't we just do that?

We should have just celebrated it a few days early. Or shit, I know this is just going to sound crazy to you, but much like how most white women do with their birthday, why the fuck did we not celebrate it for the whole entire month of July?  Come on, I know those crazy Europeans have a summer break from life. I mean, not much of a life when you're drinking wine all day and insulting American tourist, but you know, like they do. We should just close up America for the entire month of July - Not in the way of not allowing folks in or out, but I mean, you know, just say we'll be back in 15 minutes sort of smoke break in the back alley. I feel like as a whole with the news from the last couple of weeks, we could really use that moment or two to collect ourselves and just go "Why are we like this?"

Then, you know, continue to eat our hot dogs and burgs, blow shit up and just get back to it all refreshed come August.. Ain't nobody got time for this sort of mad rush weekend in a day in the middle of the week sort of situation that we just had to go through.

So yeah, think about it. Maybe we'll try it next year. Until then, just try to get through this goddamn second Monday with your sanity and realize that we have at least a second Friday tomorrow. Which I mean, isn't the best since Friday is just build up anticipation towards the weekend, Something special that comes after a long five days of a week... now.... sort of cheapened by the fact that we just had it yesterday.

I'm  just all sorts of confused right now. 

Pledging Allegiance - All About Capitalism

Pledging Allegiance - All About Capitalism

I mean, I guess this should have been realized. The Pledge of Allegiance was all about tapping into that capitalism. Boom!

Freedom

FREEDOM

On this day we celebrate our freedom from persecution of a tyrant, I just want to say one thing -  What the fuck are we celebrating?  This is a bit of a fucking sham. I get it, I like exploding things as well. My eyes light up when I see a big firework just explode in the sky, but if that's what you're celebrating today, than that's cool. Own that. But let's not kid ourselves that we can embody any of the spirit of the day we are honoring when we currently are in the state that our nation is in.

Do I have to even mention that we're separating families in what has to be described as nothing short as sadistic? This is not anywhere near close to what the freedom we fought for was about. I know you probably can't read this letter, but yeah.. I can't celebrate the birth of this Nation when this stuff is happening right now and we sit by doing nothing.

Journalist who went and toured some detention facilities in Texas were not allowed to photograph or interview immigrants, so last week The Times asked volunteers and the attorneys visiting detained immigrant parents to express their questions in written form. More than a dozen mothers at the T Don Hutto Residential Center, 30 miles from Austin, responded and their words are fucking crazy.

Some women described their perilous journeys to the U.S. or their experiences in custody. Many said they were never told where their children were being held or their status. Some wrote messages to their children. Some examples:

From Miriam to her son Kennet:

“My son, I write you these words with immense pain in my heart to have you separated from me. But I want you to know that I miss you so much.

“And that every day I ask God that very soon we will be together again. And that they will never again separate you from me because you are the most beautiful thing that God gave me, you, my son.

“And I want you to know that I love you with all my soul, and the biggest thing I ask God is that we will be together. God willing, my son.”

Noyma to her son Dani:

“Hello, hello, son. I want to say that I miss you very much and that I love you and that soon we will be together, that this will be over and that we never will be separated again. I hope to see you soon and that we are with your father…. I don’t want you to be sad. I love you, my son. Until then, I send you hugs and kisses.”

But hey, this isn't even the only way that ICE is separating families. Another way families are being torn apart is pretty slimy. A new wave of workplace raids just cause the kids to remain behind. One 12 year old was left behind and is staying in a mostly abandoned trailer park. He wrote to ICE "I can't live without my Mom. I don't have anybody but her."

Jesus Christ, America. Do you really think you deserve a birthday celebration today when we're in this current situation as a nation?



I can't even say that it's all just on the back of Trump. Even though he's a piece of shit enough to not even want to warrant lowering the flag at half staff to honor those Americans who died in the recent news paper mass shooting. As Trump Declines the request to lower the flags.

I just don't know about you in your ability to chow down on Hot Dogs and Burgers while lighting shit up, but this stuff just makes me sick of this country and the numbness we all have to this by now. I can't even get in to the aspect that Health and Human Service Department has stopped stating how many families are actually getting separated. 

 Goddamn America. God Fucking Damn it.       

JUST THE TIP

JUST THE TIP 


Oh, this should be fun. I know whenever I bring up the subject of tipping, even the most subjectively kind person may start questioning the worth of their food server's value.But I've started to hear about more of these TIP OPTIONAL restaurants. It makes me wonder if the restaurant is actually paying them a fair wage that they don't have to factor in tips as a means to make the bare minimum. Or is this just another situation where you're questioning if the wait staff is now just sticking their dicks in to your chicken Alfredo. Tips inverted is Spit, after all.

I guess you can just go to a buffet. No tipping needed there. Though you will get all the germ filled snot covered food you can eat since those kids are merciless. Anyhow, now that I think about it, unless tip is automatically factored in, like it is when you have a party of 8 or more, I guess tip if, by default, always optional. You can always do my style of going 20% unless it's bad service or something or a super hot lady. I mean, who the hell doesn't tip good on beautiful people. We are, after all, still a society that places such high values on such things for society worth.

I generally tip 20%, but often wonder what would happen if I just tipped... like, 0% Would I die? I'm not prepared for that scientific study. On top of that, I also wonder if by tipping 20%, I'm being seen as a super nice person, but does the server also look at me like a complete doormat? Yeah, sure they'd be super grateful that I left more than average, but they also may think that I'm a giant bitch for being dumb enough to fork out more money than I actually needed to.

I often fantasies about being one of those people who leave those cards that look like a 20 dollar bill, but when pulled out is actually an evangelical quote. Oh man, that'll be hilarious. Then when I'm walking out of the restaurant and onto the street I'd get hit by a bus so that all the wait staff have an awesome time laughing at my flying corpse.

It's all about the circle of life, ya know.

I do tend to wonder where the limit is, though. I went into a Jersey Mikes once and they gave me the option to tip. Like what the hell are you thinking? I don't even tip at subway and they're sandwich artist over there. If anyone is worthy of panhandling, it's a struggling artist type. Not you, Mr. Jersey sandwich fella.

Then there's tipping on delivery. I have seen this actually advertised  "$8 Delivery fee!*        *None of this goes to the driver, so remember to tip!". What the actual fuck. I mean, you're going to charge a service fee for delivery and then expect the buyer to foot the bill for whatever money you don't want to give your employees. Dick move, bro. by the way, can I get more garlic butter sauce?

That inner libertarian in me that is always constantly stupid and wrong wants to say that by tipping, you're directly supporting Capitalist corruption and that you should never tip. But if you do, don't do it by credit card. That is morally wrong in every way. Do it by cash only so that the dirty IRS won't snatch away any of it.  And then I have to realize that the dumb dumb libertarian part of me is right on that aspect. It's sort of like a stopped clock situation.

Still a lot better than those assholes who just write in the line "God loves you" or "Get a real job, you bum!". Maybe we should extend this whole tipping thing out more. We are, after all, in 2018. Why not toss a few bucks as a tip to the grocery store check out person? Though, you got to do it like me by sliding a dollar bill down their front of their blouse. Or, if in the case of a male, stuff it down his pants. I am, after all, a feminist first.

I talked to a foreigner once who explained that in their country they don't tip. He continued to tell me that their democratic socialism is a far better option than the out of control capitalist model that chains me to the grovel for alms like a fucking beggar. I mean, it's basically true. I couldn't argue with that.

I ask these important questions because I enjoy going to places that pay their cook staff minimum wage, their wait staff below minimum, and then charge me 5x cost. It's all apart of this crazy wheel we're on called Capitalism. I'm wondering when Americans are going to rent out spots on the street to panhandlers. Any thing to make a buck off each other. Or perhaps that is too much capitalism.

It has always impressed me that Tips are that psychological annihilation in the service industry. It allows business owners to pay their employees fuck all and pass the difference off to the customers and create a cultural dynamic where staff and customers are frustrated at each other rather than the owner, who is dicking them both over. It's like the tactics used by cult leaders.... or, like I just said, capitalist. It's completely evil and scummy, yet you can't help but admire it. Very fitting to talk about on this, a day before we blow shit up for the 4th, mainly because I don't think there's anything more American than what I just described.

I mean, if they're actually going to charge a little more and just pay the staff an actual living wage, I'm all for it. If they're just screwing the staff over, I mean, good luck staying in business. and not having a massive turn over every month.

Then again, restaurants exist primarily by exploiting the labor of their staff because they know they can hire some random guy off the street for pennies on the dollar. They maintain this dynamic by promoting bootlicker authoritarians who think working 14 hours a day for minimum wage is the height of human achievement to head Chef and celebrity culinary power. 

To sum it all up, I'm sure that this whole conversation makes living in the U.S. sound so fucking exhausting. It is. It truly is.

Aint That America

Aint That America

This week saw yet another mass shooting incident in the U.S. and this time it wasn't in a school, it was actually a journalist shooter. - Okay, let me just make that a little clearer because I don't want you to think it's a journalist who shoots people and actually is a person that shot at journalist.

Seems only fitting that we are at the start of the month we celebrate our nation's birthday with loud explosions to discuss the freedom of gun rights here. Yet this is not that article. In fact, I'm really tired of talking about gun control because it seems like I'm just yelling at a wall with all the logic and common sense when I do that.

No, this is basically a piece... a short one at that because come on, do we celebrate the 4th weekend this weekend or next week? Fucking middle of the week America Birthday. Get your shit together, nation.

No, This article is just about the shooter. This mother fucker.

When I first saw that picture of this Journalist shooter (Yes, we've been over this already. Get with the program, Chad!) I just had to tell myself "Of course this guy is a mass shooter"

I mean, it also looks like the lead guitarist for Dinosaur Jr. or a Nicholas Cage that really let himself go for another very strange role that you'll toss a coin on if it's actually good or not. But yeah, I think fat Nick Cage's Youtube channel doesn't suck compared to Nasim Aghdam's channel. This guy looks like the poster boy of your average Anime Expo patron who walks around with a draw 'sexy girl' pillow.

I know I could totally write endlessly about the influences that caused him to go into the Capital Gazette and add another fucking mass shooting to the already crowded list for this year, I won't. Because it's pretty clear that it won't matter because this dude was just mentally unstable all on his own.

In fact, a woman came out and claimed that this human piece of garbage had not only stalked, harassed and sued her actually warned the police about him. But hey, maybe it wasn't very cautionary that a guy, who gets turned down by a girl states "You're going to need restraining order now" when getting rejected. or classy things like  "You can't make me stop. I know all these things about you." "I'm going to tell everyone about your life."

Incidents went on to include him getting her fired from her job because, like I mentioned earlier, he was a piece of shit human being that like a rattle snake or a cat with a bell around its neck, just need something to warn those around that trouble is coming.

In short, I didn't really jump into anything serious, because again, who the fuck is doing anything remotely productive for the next weird ass week long 4th of July holiday. I fully expect the streets to be clear all week with as little amount of traffic as possible. You are not doing your civic duty of skirting responsibility if you are being productive this week.

I ultimately just wanted to point out that this guy was a piece of shit. I feel better now. 

Fucking Over Boomers By Not Fucking

Fucking Over Boomers By Not Fucking

The title is pretty crude, I know. But if you're new to this blog, let me fill you in. I dislike baby boomers. If the WWII generation was the greatest generation, the Baby Boomers that followed were the worst ones possible. In every potential way I want to say fuck baby boomers.

A new report shows that the inability of Millennials to want to have kids is going to have a very big repercussion towards the lamest generation and Boomers are going to have something more to bitch about Mellinnials about. Boomers will just complain that Millennials are so damn lazy and obsessed with Avocado toast, that they're just not having sex and generating more off spring that this whole pyramid scheme of a circle of life is.

Won't someone think of our real-estate values?

The reality is that most of my generation as well as Millennials can barely make enough to cover medical bills, rent or even food. You add in the fact that student loans are crushing a vast majority of them, it makes you wonder what's the point then.

So Fuck boomers. They have basically fucked society to the point it becomes an act of good conscience to not bring a child into this world. And now they're whining that it's going to mess with their real estate portfolios and potential retirement investments?

Go suck a dick, you assholes.

Okay, let me just throw it out there, I know many fine upstanding Boomers in this world. They're not all pieces of shit. But there's enough pieces of shit out there that I can safely say that they fucked themselves on this one. Their whole generation is a bunch of entitled narcissists that can go right on and fuck off.


Wages have been stagnant for about 45 years now, how do you expect anyone to afford the $14k a year that the average daycare cost. Let alone the luxuries of home buying for living - fuck as an investment. I just want to throw it out there, stop buying homes that you want to live in as an investment. Boomers came up with that concept of having a home as an investment rather than a place you can survive from the harsh mistress that is the weather.  But Boomers just eat up all that shit about Flip this House and other DIY television. I can't wait till the suburbs are just the new ghetto in the next decade since no one can afford to buy shit and it'll all be foreign investors.

So the complaint is that Millennials don't want to have kids. Let's face it - Kids are fucking expensive. I know those parents out there reading this are thinking that they wouldn't give up their child for the world. That's probably because you endured several years of having to literally wipe their shit off their ass, the floors and walls. So it's not so much unconditional love as it is Stockholm syndrome.

I kid. No, seriously, kids are expensive. Most of this generation will never even dream of owning a home on the way the jobs market is going. Let alone dream to be able to pay for the kid's education and upbringing for 18 years. Add in another 5 for when they move back home from that way too expensive college that gave them not much more job opportunity for. 

Boomers generally talk about generations after them being lazy. Yet they can't seem to grasp the idea that for their land of plenty generation, people just walked in to a company to ask about a job and were handed a full time gig with benefits. In today's climate you need to have a PhD in job hunting, a perfect resume for the position you pray to get and practiced interview and social skills. So yeah, I don't blame people for not wanting kids when they can barely even get a job that pays a living wage.

Shit, my generation won't even get to really retire thanks to these useless greedy assholes. The skinny of it is that if the boomers wanted grandkids so fucking badly, they'd actually support conditions that would encourage their kids to procreate. You know, like voting for nationalized healthcare and college forgiveness/free tuition programs. You can't expect a plant to grow if you're only yelling about how lazy it is and how back in your day plants watered themselves.

But, you know, they don't vote for any of that shit because they're self-absorbed assholes. Who don't really care about children and are more concerned on if they could sell their home to someone who doesn't have any use for a giant nuclear family setting house like that. For you see, we need the fresh, untainted blood of children to feed Na'thgl'rn. The Elder God of Capitalism. We better start having these babies so we can sacrifice them to our dark God of currency.

To be fair though, and giving Boomers some credit, when you think about it, it's really the goal of every generation to make life for the next generation that much more difficult. I think it's just practicing voluntary human extinction.

Sure, there's those that will wonder if it's really worth sitting around in your old age, childless, waiting to die knowing you wasted your chance to leave a legacy on earth and contribute in recirculating human DNA as a contribution to the future of your species just to have more time to travel, have brunches and be content? The answer is YES. You will be dead, so why the fuck would you care what happens to the next generation after yourself? I guess that's what causes this whole mess to begin with. That gut instinct of not giving a fuck.

In the end, there is literally nothing entitled fucking boomers won't blame on Millennials. At least I can sleep easy at night knowing that when boomers can't sell their big suburban homes to a millennial they'll just end up dying in the streets because they cannot afford the for-profit healthcare market they sure seem to fucking love.

Ultimately the lesson to be learned here is that your kids will not give a shit about you when you are old, you're better off just not creating the object of your destruction unless you happen to not have really solid pull out game and just hate money and don't mind an 18 year prison sentence.