IN A HURRY TO GET NOWHERE FAST

IN A HURRY TO GET NOWHERE FAST 

In an effort to better treat my long term health as something I just don't test the limitations on with what I eat, I have gone back to walking on a treadmill for a number of minutes a day. When you're on one of those, life can just seem like it's passing by at a slower pace. Hell, boredom sets in in a crazy way. Especially since you can't really just walk there seeing the mounds of fat melt away. So here's a couple of ways to run away from the boredom.

Lift weights instead! Come on, it's much better on your knees and you'll have the sickest of guns to show off and still not be able to open up tightly closed jars.

Stare at one of the people lifting those weights until they make eye contact and then quickly look away. See how long you can stare before they notice. It's a wonderful game and it can be played with just about anyone - even if they don't know they are playing along.  And if you've been beaten up one too many times doing that, just stare at a spot on the ground in front of you and just get lost in thought that you are no better than a hamster.

Run outside instead. Yeah, after a while the world is pretty boring if you're just looking at it from a fixed location.

It may be a good idea to hire a prostitute to stand in front of the treadmill and say vaguely suggestive and provocative sexual things to you while you run. Honestly, you burn a lot more calories if you run like a horny character in a Looney Tunes short with your hands reaching out in front of you, tripping over your wagging tongue. Just careful not to let it get caught in the rotation or you'll get some comical high-jinks

Eat! Sure, I could enjoy a light snack during jogging on the treadmill... You know, like a box of donuts and some Jack Daniels. But that typically leaves me stumbling all over it and if you think people get mad when you leave sweat all over the machine, you don't want to see the looks they give you when you leave your lunch all over it.

Look brah, my bad. next time I'll skip the donuts and just buy one of those whole Costco chickens and go to town while running if you're so hung up on my health. 

Just don't forget to put the hate in your heart and purpose in your soul by cranking up the Death Metal on your phone.

Honestly, this is the golden age for maintaining treadmill sanity when you think about it. We have Podcast, Netflix, Youtube, Hulu, audiobooks, facebook, instagram. A shit ton of options to numb your mind while doing something meaningless and boring. Hell, I'll even suggest looking at the Twitch streamers while you're conducting your routine to escape being fat. Even giving you the pass to watch the big breasted ones playing pointless games like Dead by Daylight.  You have my permission. 

Oh, did you think I was going to suggest looking at the yogapant sluts? You horn dog. First off, don't call people sluts because of how they dress. Unless, of course, they are wearing a shirt that said "Please address me as a slut, no it's cool. I made this shirt on purpose, this isn't a marketing slogan. Call me a slut - it is what I wish to be called of my own free will and choice." Then I guess it's okay to call them that. But it seems like that's the only exception that I could think of.

Anyhow, if all else fails, just shed the burden of being a man and allow yourself to become a slavering treadmill beast. Anything to go against the cravings of consumption and break the will to not be fat anymore.

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

Can I have a Coke?  We don't have Coke, is Pepsi alright?  Why do I care how Pepsi is feeling?

That classic line that any spot that doesn't have Coke has to deal with. Wondering if Pepsi is alright. And we all know the answer to that is no. Pepsi is NOT alright. That's like ordering a steak and then being asked if chicken is okay.  That is not what I ordered and I refuse to accept that as a substitute.
 
I somehow found myself in a Starbucks the other day, and while they still had straws, they didn't have something that offended me worse. Now, I realize it's a coffee place, but I seem to be amazed that they have an assortment of tea variety that seems sometimes mad scientist-centric.

They had something called a Mango Dragon fruit tea on the board not only once in "hot new product you gotta try!" store promotion board, but also in the creative corner where a talented artistic Starbucks employee is task to draw something that they are selling.  So feeling like that sounded unique and refreshing I begin to do the strange dance that is ordering at Starbucks.

First you gotta figure out what the translation to sizes are because of their inability to just say small, medium and large. But after code breaking all that shit, I ask for the Mango Dragon fruit tea. To which they alert me that they don't have the Dragon Fruit aspect of the drink.

How the fuck do you run a promotion on the board, get someone to draw a dragon spitting out refreshing flames also promoting the drink and NOT have a key component to the actual drink. Then to add insult to injury, which I'm sure the guy was just taking out on me a verbal lashing he probably received from a disgruntled soccer mom earlier, he told me "It's actually a Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage", as if that bit of knowledge was suppose to get me woke for the future of when I try to order it at a Starbucks that is equipped to serve me.

First, what the fuck is a refresher? The thing isn't coffee and if it's not coffee at starbucks, than it has to be... tea?  I mean, maybe it's just a series of liquid made out of sugar compounds and thrown together. Who knows. The point is the only solution to this whole thing was that he offered me the Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage with just the Mango.

The nerve! Do I order a hamburger and be okay if the fast food jockey behind the register tells me that they can't fulfill the meat patty aspect of the burger? No sale, Barista! You either go full measures or not at all. You can't go half measure on a Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage, that's not what the copyrights was paid for. You need to give me he whole goddamn thing, and I don't know how you can really call it a lemonade when there's three components to the whole goddamn thing and Lemonade just sounds like it's writing its name on the card of a coworkers gift at the last minute to tag along.

The point of this thinly veiled yelp review of a mysteriously poorly stocked star bucks is that you shouldn't just settle for anything less than what you were marketed to hell on before you got to the register. If you know what I'm saying. That's just being true to yourself. And let's be honest, you are going to starbucks for a Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage, whatever the fuck that really is.

Honestly, I don't know where this was actually going. It was more of a free form thought ramble and some bits about really being bent out of shape for not trying a stupid "Refresher Beverage". Which seems like the dumbest thing ever, but at least I got some writing in from that experience.

Also, no one ever wants fucking Pepsi instead of Coke. So we should just stop assuming that they can be interchanged. They can't. Stop trying to make that a thing already!

BETTER CALL SAUL

BETTER CALL SAUL


When people look back at Breaking Bad, there's always hero worshiping towards Walter White, when in reality, it took him poisoning a child to even shake that, even after that he was still cheered for. They didn't understand that HE was the villain of the last season. So much so that the only one they could flip that around for in the later half to bring him full circle was a group of Neo-Nazis.

Looking at Better Call Saul, here's someone you should care about. Jimmy McGill is the con man turned office mail room guy turned lawyer who, well, has his heart in the right place, even if he's a bad guy in a sense.

Let me be clear, Walter White, for all the shouting that he did it for his family, that's wrong. Walter White was a very selfish character. He did it for himself... He liked it. It made him feel good. That's the basic core at the heart of it all.  Jimmy McGill/Saul Goodman on the other hand, he may be a shyster fella, but he has a heart in his actions and it's mostly doing something morally or ethically questionable for the sake of someone else.

In season 1 he constantly took care of his brother. Going as far as waking up every morning to get him a specific newspaper to read and visiting him every day with supplies while juggling his own hardship in practicing law and making a living. Putting a lot of himself on the line and sacrificing his own ability to move forward. Man, I totally relate to that situation of putting yourself second to help the ones you care about.

Then in season 2, he did the questionable action of flipping dates on court papers so that Kim could keep the account she fought hard for. Was it against the law? Yeah, but he put himself in harms way again in order to do something to better the person he cares about.  Jimmy may seem like the visually shyster kind, but between him and a Chemistry teacher turned drug kingpin, the lawyer is the one with the heart of gold.

Through the series thus far, whenever he's attempted to change who he is at his core, a fella who does things the "Jimmy" way, he's had it blow up in his face. To the point where he has accepted that he can still be a good guy even though he's doing things that skirt the law and morality grey area. Man, I totally get that and have a sympathetic place for this take on Saul Goodman.

It's odd, when you first heard the news that there would be a Saul Goodman spin off to Breaking Bad, you figured that it was going to be a half hour of comedy gold Saul Goodman moments. What we got was something completely different and completely better. Hell, I'd say that I enjoy Better Call Saul just a bit more than I do Breaking Bad. Yes, the twist and turns of BrBa was amazing, but man, I just love Jimmy. He speaks to me and it's something else entirely. I almost don't want to see how he turns into Saul and just hope for a happy ending. Though we already know what happens at the end... He gets the vacuum repair man's trick of a new life in Omaha, Nebraska and manages a cinnabon and lives a pretty miserable existence.  Basically a shell of his former self. Watching old VHS tapes of his ads while drinking Rusty Nails. Man, it's just sad.

Gene is locked in the dumpster area and the only way he could get himself out without having to wait several hours for someone to bring trash is by pushing the emergency exit doors. But by dong so, it will set off an alarm and cops will be called. A man who was morally questionable through most of his life as Slipping Jimmy McGill couldn't do even this because at this point, he was completely broken. The simple threat of cops being called and his escape life being at risk stopped him. It did something Chuck, his brother who constantly wanted him to stop doing things his way couldn't.

On top of that, the scenes with Gene in Nebraska are just tense as all hell. Even more so than some in Breaking Bad with Walter. They really found a way to make smaller stakes feel so much more larger than before. Feeling that looking over the shoulder worried of being caught on the run feel or even just dealing with any police interaction as a scary PTSD sort of situation. Geez, I can tell you that there's so many angles to the character to relate to.

But seeing the three different aspects to this man - Jimmy McGill, Saul Goodman and Gene are awesome. There's also a little bit of a fourth version of himself.  Charlie Hustle. During the third season, after he is on a year suspension, he has to rush around from community service to hustling for money to keep the life he had as Jimmy going while also having a touch of Saul Goodman come out in video production. It's an interesting aspect that there's so much roundness to this character through out the three seasons so far, that I am just amazingly excited to see what happens in season 4 tonight.

Better Call Saul is back for season 4 as well as renewed for season 5 already on AMC 9pm or whenever the fuck you time shift it. It's 2018 for fucks sake, don't be a tool to the time restraints of your network overlords.

BREAKING NEWS - STEVE JOBS WAS A PIECE OF SHIT

BREAKING NEWS - STEVE JOBS WAS A PIECE OF SHIT

I mean, sure the dude has been dead for a while, but you're still standing there staring at the little box he created and pushed out so you can better get in touch with your friends by completely ignoring them in person.

Anyhow, now that Apple, the company is worth more than life itself, the news turns to different things. Namely the breaking news that Steve Jobs was a terrible human being. At least according to the testimonial by his first biological daughter. 

The excerpt also deals with Jobs turning up to his daughter's birth in 1978 and denying paternity until the district attorney of San Mateo County forced him to take a test and to produce child support.

In one telling detail, Brennan-Jobs outlines how Jobs' lawyers insisted on finalizing child-support payouts and other payments on December 8, 1980. Four days later, Apple went public and Jobs became immensely wealthy.

She also recalled believing that her father replaced his Porsche every time it had a scratch and asking whether she could have one when he got rid of it.

"You're not getting anything," she said he responded. "You understand? Nothing. You're getting nothing."

Brennan-Jobs added that her father had not been "generous with money, or food, or words."

My rich farther didn't give me a Porsche, poor me!  Look, on one hand he sounds like a rich douche. plain and simple. On the other hand, thinking that you are entitled to millions of dollars just because your father is a rich asshole, is in itself, pretty douche like. So I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I get it, not paying child support and totally not acknowledging or owning up to the fact that she's your daughter until a judge had to step in is pretty terrible. But whining about not getting Daddy's old scratched Porsche is some next level stupidity.

I actually command Jobs for not handing down his cash wealth to his children so easily. Teach them a lesson or two. You can't have this mentality that  you don't deserve to be a common poor person because you have a rich parentage. You're just asking for noble status in 2018 and that's pretty fucked up. We have to start pushing that more that you're not guaranteed shit in this life like those handouts. To often we seem to be in a country that expect inheritance to be a cultural expectation.

The conclusion I get is that Steve Jobs was an asshole who can kiss my ass, but his daughter can also kiss my ass as well. Besides, from what I hear about it, Steve Jobs bought a new car every six months just because of some loophole where he'd never have to have a license plate if it was a brand new car. So he drove whatever new hotness was for that exact time until, by law, he would have had to get a license plate.


Yeah, that's some really big FUCK YOU money just to get out of paying the state any license plate taxes. I also hear that he intentionally parked in handicapped parking spots all the time. Even when there was plenty of parking around. The guy was a piece of shit. No breaking news here.

Know how much of a piece of shit he was? While at Apple, he made sure to cut donations to a hilariously low amount just to save some more money for that struggling Apple fortune. I mean, the full article is comical. Especially the part where he's in bed at home while dying of cancer and carefully chooses his final words to his daughter;

"You smell like a toilet" 

FUCK! Sick savage burn. I mean, at least she took some comfort in knowing he died in the dumbest way possible. Let's talk about his cancer for a minute. He died of a potentially preventable cancer because he thought juice and sunlight would cure him. Yup. Treatment for this? Naw dawg, I can cure this sucker with some apple juice, diet supplements and acupuncture. Oh, I guess he also didn't charge his JO Crystals enough to be saved or something.

To highlight how much of a piece of shit he was - he bought a home in all 50 states to skip the line for a liver transplant after the dumb fuck tried fixing his cancer with hummus and quinoa. 

Anyway, Steve Jobs was a huge piece of shit in every possible aspect of his life. That's really all there was to it. Please stop worshiping billionaires. They're universally bad people and that also includes Bill Gates, for however many charities he donates to.

Getting rich isn't about talent or hard work or any of that other stuff. It's about being just sociopathic  enough to fuck over colleagues, competitors and the entire planet until you reach your goal of having all the power and money. I guess that's what makes his death funnier to me. He died because he was arrogant enough to assume he knew more oncologists, particularly because he could have afforded enough amazing doctors to where they not only would have cured his treatable cancer, but he probably would have been made stronger and better than he ever was before. A real shot of that hubris would go a long way.


But without question, he was a giant asshole, as anyone who paid any attention to his wardrobe full of GODDAMN FUCKING TURTLENECKS could tell you exactly that simple fact.

MISSING: ONE WHITE GIRL

MISSING: ONE WHITE GIRL 

In the event that you haven't watched any news, an of course, have great reason to actually read this sort of half assed opinionated news blog, a cute white girl named Mollie Tibbetts went missing in Iowa. Being that she is both white and attractive, the media has pushed itself in to overdrive to cover this. More so than any other Iowans. I chalk that up to her being the whitest of the white as well as the circumstances around her disappearance are completely spooky.

Let me break down some of the known factors -

- She was staying at her boyfriend's apartment watching his dogs as he was away.
- He was ruled out as a suspect because of his alibi.
- That night she went out jogging around a creepy as fuck pig farm. And let's be honest, pig farms by default are pretty creepy. This one was a bit extra.
- She made it back to the apartment based on data collected from her cell phone and fitbit. Once there she got back to doing homework.
- She disappeared sometime after the last bullet point.
- Pig Farmer dude has a lot of priors for stalking
- Reports came in that some dude was sighted in the area taking pictures of female joggers in the past
- She may have been sighted since her disappearance
- Investigators found some article of clothing which can loosely be tied to her due to its color. This was found near the creepy pig farm.
- There's a $172,000 reward for her return. Again, nice white privilege there.

It really just warms me up inside to know that things never change, like when a young attractive white woman goes missing, it garners national attention. Because I still don't know why we care about this particular missing white girl vs other missing white girls.

I'm also just waiting for Elon Musk to tweet that he's going to aid the search by having a self-driving Tesla scour the Iowa country side for clues. I mean, have you guys seen Gone Girl? Just saying, maybe this is just a way for HBO to promote SHARP OBJECTS some more.

I mean, with that amount of reward, anyone who has her locked in some basement or something would probably roll over pretty quickly on their cohorts. Do you know how many pigs that amount can buy? I mean, that is assuming the pigs didn't eat her already like all of us were thinking based off years of television situations of disposing a body via pig food.

Did you not know? You'd need sixteen pigs to finish this job in one sitting. Which is always why you never trust someone with a pig farm. Any man who keeps a pig farm... you can bet they have disposed a body or two in their day. Not even in a malicious way, I think it is just come to be expected to try once. But pigs can go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Now you know where the expression "Greedy as a pig" comes from.

While he was cleared, I want to spend a moment on the boyfriend. "Missing University of Iowa student's boyfriend speaks out: 'Just imagine if somebody had taken your Mollie'". You see, she stole his fucking drugs while watching his dogs.

Look, maybe I'm just being an optimist here, but maybe she just willingly left Iowa? I mean, it's Iowa and an attractive female just would want to get the fuck out of Iowa. Come to think of it, I'm really trying my best to picture Iowa and failing as I'm only thinking of Idaho. Idaho is the one with the potatoes, I can't even think what the fuck Iowa has, except creepy pig farms and white women, I guess. Soy? I dunno. I'll just toss in corn, cause corn fields would totally make this story scarier when it's turned in to a movie. You know it's going to happen. But yeah, what the fuck does Iowa even have going for itself?

What I'm trying to say is at some point I'm just going to assume that Iowa isn't even a real place. And even if it was, I sort of always assumed anyone in Iowa was already dead to some degree on the inside.

Then again, if she did run away, there would be some evidence of her getting ready to bounce. Cash withdrawals, issues with the boyfriend, family, friends and her schooling. So yeah, I guess she's probably creepy framer pig food right now and we all know how this is going to play out.

The pig farmer will be taken in for questioning. The towns people will want to demand he handed over to them for mob justice. The wise law abiding sheriff will refuse, sighting that a man is innocent even if he's a fucking creepy pig farmer. The people will standoff all night until finally the most predominate richest man in town leads the mob to break the jail apart to get him. Creepy pig farmer will be lynched in the center of town while the masses raise their pitch forks and torches and minutes later the missing girl will get off an arriving bus and ask a person in the mob what is exactly happening. The person will catch her up without realizing she is the missing girl. For he didn't even know what attractive Iowan looks like. But distraught of the idea of this creepy pig farmer's actions against a woman, she will join the masses annnnnnnnd we cut to Rod Serling who wraps up this cautionary tale for us as we settle down for the evening.

YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM AGAIN?

YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM AGAIN?

Well you can't. You already peed too much today. If you urinate any more you'll just run straight out of fluids and then where will you be? Maybe next time you'll think a bit more before drinking all that fluid. You must have known that it was suppose to go somewhere.

Look, I'm not punishing you. I just have your best interest in mind. That is all.

Don't give me that nonsense that your balls are going to get all swollen and blow up. Oh, How dare I assume your gender? HOW DARE YOU ASSUME I'M ASSUMING! You watch your mouth, this conversation is starting to get really kinky. Again, I don't think your child like bladder is bursting just yet. Don't you dare piss in that chair or so help me, I'll make you clean it up!

Yeah, you may be thinking that peeing is the right of all sentient beings. I have news for you, missy, Peeing is a privilege and it can and will be taken away from people who abuse it. So you just take your ass back to your seat. And don't think that doctors note about your diabetes is going to change a single thing. I don't care if you have to do it every half hour. HOLD IT IT! That "doctors" note has no legal standing or authority here! You should have considered all the choices before chugging all those gallons of Mt. Dew Code Red.

Oh, my bad. You have an overactive bladder syndrome due to an enlarged prostate? Geez, you didn't have to go humble bragging about your huge ass prostate you fucking show off. For that you're definitely not going to the bathroom, Mister!

So when can you let loose the juice? I dunno, I guess I'll allow you to pee tomorrow. But honestly, I think that you probably should wait till Saturday or Sunday. Moderation in all thing is a virtue, my friend. And that includes moderation in urination.

You see this picture of a guy who looks like a desiccated corpse? Well, yeah, he didn't heed my advice and he just kept on peeing and peeing to his hearts content. Sure, it was enjoyable and relieving at the moment. But at what cost? At what cost indeed!

You ever have to take a piss test and they give you a little cup? I mean, you just got to fill it up all the way to their brim with a bit of a meniscus so they can gently hand it to the person so precariously. Sure, it may spill, but let me tell you, they will be so impressed.

One piss test I took had this strange compartment int he bathroom wall with doors on both sides where you set your sample. Some really smart dude thought that this two sided door needed to have a spring in it and I so didn't realize it. The door had nothing better to do than hit my hand as I was going to set the cup in there and it spilled the contents every-fucking-where. Needless to say they were not impressed as well. I swear they were just going to make my test positive to fuck with me in kind.  Lesson there is that you shouldn't put springs in to a door compartment you set cups of piss in to.

No, wait. The real lesson there is if you're having to take a pee test for your job, you should probably find a job that doesn't have so many fucking trust issues. What I do on my own time and what I decide to inject in to my veins is my own private business. I'm sorry, I thought we were in America!

Oh yes. May I blow your mind a little. Most every time someone is interacting with you on the internet, they are probably doing it on their phone while in a bathroom. How much interaction do you think you have had with your fellow humans while one person is passing some waste?

BIG MAC TURNS 50

BIG MAC TURNS 50

Today marks the day that McDonalds gave birth to a copy cat burger and now it's celebrating a half century mark of one upping it's originator that has constantly been overshadowed. The Bob's Big Boy Classic. Look The Big Boy is a signature burger Big Boy Restaurants have had since the chain was founded in 1936. You do the math and see which one is older.

What's the main difference? They both have two beef patties and three pieces of bun. One in the middle. Both have just about every bit of the same topping except one difference. Bob's red relish vs the Big Mac secret sauce.  Both are very much different. The red relish isn't as sweet as the big mac sauce. Mainly because the Big Mac sauce is full of goddamn sugar and shipped around the country. It's like cocaine for your body. The red relish ketchup based sauce is no match to the Big Mac secret sauce which is basically thousand island sauce with a little more sugar added.

Aside from the sugar factor, the biggest issue that brought down the Big Boy's power was that there was a lot of infighting between the largest franchisees and the parent company of Bob's Big Boy that slowed their growth and allowed McDonalds to take over even though at the time they didn't have a signature burger like the Big Boy. This led to now everyone thinking that McDonalds created this burger with an odd middle bread piece.

Add in that the price and excessive expansion in a non healthy way crushed the Bob's.  For example, in 1967, the Big Mac went for 50 cents. The Big Boy was 75 cents. The California minimum wage was around $1.65 an hour. In the 70's, Bob's Jr. chain invested in opening way too many locations all at once and they failed and this development almost killed the company for good. They ended up closing down all of the to-go locations and most of their sit down restaurants. Only a few exist today. But it was because of the over-investment in the failed ventures.

And much like in life, history is told by the victors. Thus, today is the day that  Big Mac's creation happened in McDonalds. In honor of such tradition of getting Americans fatter, they're running a promo in which when you buy a Big Mac, you get a gold coin to redeem for another Big Mac in the future. A Big Mac will run you about $5. So you're getting two Big Macs, one of which to get picked up at a later date for the price of one. Strange that no more than a few months ago they kept on doing a 2 for $5 promotion deal for Big Macs anyway. 

This is like those times when you're on Amazon and you say "Fuck that!" to the item that is $10 with $2.50 shipping and click to purchase the $12.50 item with free shipping. Yes, it's exactly that. You think you get a better value, but you're simply getting the same deal that has happened a lot of times before it. Not only that, but they're hoping that with the shiny gold coin with a burger on it, that you will most likely NOT want to redeem it and then you'll have a collectible item for the rest of your life. The whole Gym membership situation all over again. Got to admit, they sure know how to get one over on folks. 

I'll still enjoy my Big Boy Combo like I have always. Preferably at the Burbank location with some nice vintage cars in the parking lot.