Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Energy Fuel Showdown Part 1

Energy Fuel Showdown Part 1

In the recent past I got on my soap box and ranted about how energy drinks think I'm a huge pussy. Hell, I even went away from those mean drinks and tried anti-energy. But then I got so lethargic that I pounded even more sugar filled drinks. I continued to do this grueling punishment of tasting them one by one for the sake of reviewing them. I like punishment.

I'm also on a constant quest in trying to get the most out of the 24 hours in my day. I don't have the time to be tired. Sleep? Ha! That's for the weak and the dead. I am neither one of these. While I do have a life time of staying awake I understand some of you are not filled with my ability to stay up late. To you normal humans that need to turn to taurines and guanines and caffeines and vita-meines B12 and B6. There's also Coffee, but for those of you who have tasted expresso from around the world, that may not be enough. With that said, here's the first round up of some common energy drinks.

All numbers are out of 10.


Taste: 3, Though it's an acquired taste, no aftertaste which is good.
Potency: 3, a couple hours at most, then a terrible crash.

This is the Coke of energy drinks. It's the most recognizable, good place to start because it gets you used to any terrible tasting energy drink. Great right before you have to drive home or take a big test because it will only last that long and you can chill (and then fall asleep) afterwards. But I have to warn you, mixing it with Vodka... holy shit, I really don't want to remember how my heart felt like it was going to explode.


Taste: Blue, Red and Purple get 8
Potency: 6, hyper for first hour or two, alert and awake for several hours.

The first one I had kept me up all night, but it was early on in my Energy Drink-Punishment. Still pretty powerful. These were expensive as fuck. I have no idea why I went with all three. The blue did have a guava and mango taste. So it was pretty decent in that aspect.

Cocaine: A "legal alternative to the drug."

Taste: 0, burned my mouth, burned my throat, I'm not sure what it tastes like.
Potency: 10, had a little of it at 10pm, didn't sleep 'till 6am.

Extremely hard to find, I had to get it in a liquor mart in south central. Which I suppose is only fitting. I'm sure it tastes disgusting, but I couldn't tell because it burned my mouth, and then burned for a while afterwards. The can was also strangely flammable. I've heard tales of people drinking two or more cans and spending all night vomiting.

No Fear:

Taste: 1, like garbage, literally, even worst aftertaste.
Potency: 4, a couple hours at most, probably.

Tastes disgusting, like old vegetables, I barely had half a can because of this.

Full Throttle:

Taste: 6, bad taste, awesome aftertaste.
Potency: 7, decently strong, no all nighters, but some extra hours if you're tired.

Costs as much as a NOS, but more or less worth it.


Taste: 9, like candy.
Potency: 1

Delicious, but I fell asleep while drinking it. If this is an energy drink then I am the king of France. It was simply not potent at all.

Rip It:

Taste: 10, like Smarties, amazing.
Potency: 5, enough for a 4 hour excursion with friends.

And cheap, the picture says $1.09, I've seen as low as $.89, most sell for $.99 though. Worth it.


Taste: 8, if you like Mountain Dew.
Potency: 3

Tastes like a soda, kicks like a soda with a little extra caffeine. I would relate it to a Mt. Dew with a little extra kick. Only it's not marketed as Exxxxxxtreme as Mt. Dew is.


Taste: 6, just like Redbull.
Potency: 3, as strong as Redbull.

As far as I'm concerned, this is a more expensive Redbull, tastes good, but not worth it. You aren't a Rockstar when drinking this, so stop trying to act like one.


Taste: 8, like Monster but only more cartoony
Potency: 4 nothing beyond the normal

Big Buzz had the annoying character on the can and really, I want energy, not a Saturday morning cartoon. The taste was pretty decent. A grapefruit mixed with lightning and a dash of awesomeness. Yes, they bottled awesome and it can be purchased in a can now.

So there you have it. I would like to say that my exposure to these terrible drinks were limited to just these but that would be wishful thinking. I drank more... a lot more energy drinks to review and I'll get to them later in sequel parts to this segment. Consider it the "What punishment have I gone through for your entertainment" portion of this blog.

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