Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!



sorry bailouts aren't for big dogs, just fatcats

Hello my non-American friends, Big Dogs are the pinnacle of American screen printing humor. They are like institutions in our society. Angry dog shirts are the failure of humanity condensed into screen printed cotton.

It seemed that everyone had that dog on their shirt in the 5th grade. It's like a blast from the past. You were so edgy. Thankfully I never had one of these. I don't get the appeal really. You typically see these as a psuedo-hardass symbol for suburban dads to wear to feel tough around their kids.



Is it that people feel like they can say things through a dog on a shirt that they can't manage to say in real life? It's not me it's this rascally mutt! Sort of like getting a word tattooed on yourself in Japanese because you'd look like a fag if you had the word "spirit" on your neck in English?

I really shouldn't be surprised that they're keeping up with current events. When I went to one of those outlet shopping centers when I lived in Florida they had a Big Dog store. It was a bit scary but they were always up with the latest film parody. Bark Wars: Attack of the Big Dog, The Barktrix and whatever other film was out at the time.



Even still, the idea that the Big Dog is covering all the economic downturn is a clear sign that we're in a bad position. You know it's the coming of a depression when even Big Dog is heralding it with their shirts.

I think I realize why we're in the mess that we're in right now. Did the Big Dog get a second or third mortgage? What sort of bank would loan money to a dog to begin with? Did he not have a job to keep up with payments. The bank who loaned money to Big Dog not only needs to get no bailout money, but they also need their license pulled at once!


Theres no FRICKIN way I'm gonna be able to make my house payments!

Why is the Big Dog pissed that he hasn't gotten his bailout? Did they go up to congress and ask for one? Come on folks, we need to bailout Big Dog! Without them many fat ass southern people wont have anything witty to wear!



This whole meme (if it's even able to be considered that) was nothing but the initial reaction to a nation getting fatter and fatter. Whereas now it's simply normalized in its pandemic nature, back then it was a shock. So people had to rationalize it as some alternative lifestyle choice and a symbol of their 'attitude' toward life.

The only person I know who wears these shirts is a big-as-a-tank upright Christian dude. He's got no real need or reason to 'feel' tough and he has the personality of a happy puppy. Maybe he wears them ironically? I dunno.


I'm almost certain this shirt's premise is false. A 30 of natty is like 14 bucks and thats like 6-8 gallons of gas so yeah im p sure thats wrong. WAY TO DO YOUR SCIENTIFIC STUDY, BIG DOG INC. Besides, isn't it illegal to give alcohol to animals? I would hope that some animal rights groups were called and warned about this alcohol consuming pup. I'm not even sure I understand what this next one is suppose to mean. Is it about high fuel prices or something?



I have to wonder if they even produce the shirts in sizes under XL. Seeing all these shirts its like I'm walking on the Atlantic city boardwalk. Only without the fear of getting mugged and killed. These shirts are typically all over redneck tourist towns and the scary aspect is that they sell like hot cakes. Even in this down economy people are still showing how much of a Big Dog they are.



Hell yeah! Now I can be a nurse without feeling like a sissy crybaby. Thank you Big Dog industries.

Most of the time these shirts simply point out that the wearer is a deeply unpleasant person. More than likely racist and grew up in the church, so they don't want to do anything that would displease Jesus... but oddly enough have no problems with telling my "spic ass" to "Go back to Mexico!" It just means you have something to warn you ahead of time that they are approaching you. Just remember, IF YOU CAN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS THEN GO BACK TO THE PORCH!

Something Awful poked fun on these a while back. Here's some of my favorites.








If you ever see me wearing a Big Dog shirt just stab me through the head. Any blunt object will do. Just put me out of my misery. Please.

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

2009: Looking Down The Pipeline

A lot of things happened in 2008. Wars were fought, people were born, people fell in love, people died, and I learned how to boil a boot because of this piss poor economy. It was a terrible year, and one that I will never forget. I will forever be haunted by the mistakes, missed opportunities and failures that made the last twelve months so special, and I can only hope that 2009 can bring as many great memories as 2008 did, not just for myself but for the whole world. There is no doubt in my mind that it will. And here are just some of the exciting things I expect we have to look forward to in 2009:

Robots
I know there will be robots in the future because I have seen many movies with robots in them, and these movies were in the future. If that is not proof enough, then I honestly do not know what is. I expect to see the first proper robots commercially available in the next few months. Robots will be able to do almost everything. They will cook things, clean things, make things, and destroy things. The only things robots will never be able to do is love. This is because robots simply cannot love. Ever.

No robot, you will never know what love is. I am sorry,

A Moon Base
Now that even crazy countries like China can go into space, it is not such a big deal. China is the country with the dragons for heaven's sake. It is so easy to go into space now that it will not be long until people start living there permanently. The most obvious place to live is the moon, simply because it is the closest. Living on the moon would offer many bonuses, such as the ability to jump really high to impress your friends with your vertical jump. Dunking will now be possible for all white males and the ability to jump really high to escape from moon-wolves (moon-wolves can also jump high so watch out OK).

Gaza Strip? What about it?

Peace in the Middle East
2009 will be the year that all nations in the Middle East finally stop fighting and become friends. Everyone will be united under the banner of Islam, and al Quada will become a traveling circus troupe. The United States will withdraw all military from the region and begin amassing troops along the Canadian border. Just don't pay attention to what's happening to the Gaza strip.. let's just forget all about that.

Some Kind of Alien Attack
I think this is clear to anyone with half a of a brain or even a third of a brain. Aliens will surely attack us soon, and for days we will be living on the edge of our seats in suspense. Just at the point that all seems lost we will discover their one weakness which will probably be water or something equally as stupidly unoriginal. The aliens will be driven away by a lone rogue soldier who plays by his own rules and possibly has weakness for alcohol and women.

Genetically Engineered Cowfruit
Scientists will finally be able to combine cows and fruit to create delicious new flavors of beef. Cowfruit will bridge the gap between vegetarians and meat lovers, with everyone agreeing that there is no better snack than a tasty cowapple salad or a bowl of cowpear soup. Cowfruit will make great pets, as they are gentle creatures and grow on trees.

Holy shit, what are we doing to the cows?

Duke Nukem Forever is Released
Haha I made a Duke Nukem Forever Joke. A little more than ten years later I'm still riding that one trick pony.. Come get some!

As you can clearly see 2008 holds many possibilities for every one of us on this crazy planet we call home. I am sure that a year from now I will look back on this time and think "Oh Jesus Christ what the hell was I thinking oh God oh God oh God oh Jesus oh God." And take another swig of rum as I try to shake these terrible images of the future out of my mind. Damn you future visions in my mind, why must you haunt me so?

I apologize for the brevity of this article, but I have to go and welcome in the new year by enjoying it with a large group of friends. Of course by "a large group of my best friends" I mean "my friends" and by "my friends" I mean "my friend" and by "my friend" I mean "my cat" and by "party" I mean drink.

Holiday Gift Guide: Sex Toys

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A Thoroughly Incomplete List of Firsts

An Incomplete List of Firsts

The first internet porn

A group of tired technicians crowded around a whirring little printer spitting out random blocks of numbers and punctuation, like someone clearing their throat. Everyone shifted from foot to foot with anticipation (except the printer [inanimate]). They waited for it to stop chattering nonsense and produce the first message sent three and a half hundred miles through the experimental and top secret network that would become, someday, the internet.

BUZZZZZZ went a buzzer, indicating data had successfully crawled through the patchwork system they had been fixing and inadvertently breaking for years. The printer hesitated, reversed itself, then rolled out a paper, like a scroll sent down from God.

Message from Operator 4G5XC to Operator 777LP
START MESSAGE.............................................................
Hey Frank, did you get those boobs I sent you? Clipped that shit out of an ad in Juggs. Killer rack, right?
-Stan "The Blast Master"
........................................................END MESSAGEXX37511

First emoticon

He was a medicine man of great importance. He stood naked before the tribe, took a slow deep breath like he did before every performance, then suddenly howled and began making wild leaps and gesticulating with both spindly arms. This was to indicate that the gods were well pleased with the latest batch of human sacrifice and would now deliver the rain the village desperately needed.

The crowd shrank back as he danced, and suddenly "Half-wit" Hao reached over and stabbed a kid.

"The medicine man says the gods are angry. We must sacrifice more," said Half-wit, as the kid went through the usual post-stab rigmarole (bleeding, gurgling, dying, etc.).

The medicine man stopped dancing and grunted in annoyance. He stomped over to a nearby tree, tore off some of the bark, and scratched a crude caricature of a smiling face onto it. He began to dance again, this time with the smiley face over his face to announce the intended mood of his actions.

"Ooooooh," said the crowd.

"Sorry kid," said Half-wit, but the kid was already dead. These things happen.

First video game

Two kids sat in the back of a small movie house, bored out of their minds, but reluctant to face the chill night outside. Then one of them got an idea.

"Watch this," he hissed to his friend, and hurled a peanut at the screen, nearly bouncing it right on the image of the actor's nose. His friend giggled.

"Neat," he said. "Let me try." This peanut was a dead on hit, smacking the completely unaware film character right in his flickering, black and white nostril.

"Yes!" they shouted together.

"First one to hit a nose five times wins," said the first.

The theater manager rushed in to see who was making the noise. He was about to shush them when he saw what they were doing. He watched thoughtfully as they hurled peanuts and giggled. It seemed that these young boys got far more enjoyment out of video entertainment they could also interact with. Another peanut smacked a nose. The boys cheered.

"Say...that gives me an idea," said the manager.

And that's how selling snacks in movie theaters was invented.

First black president

The first black president was Kuta Kente, a skilled hunter from a small village in a forested valley around the year 800 BC. One day, the tribe got together and voted him leader. Civil rights history was made.

First Lie

The first lie occurred when a pre-human ape-like creature (female) approached a pre-human ape-like creature (male) with which she had been coupling regularly for many months. When they had first initiated coupling, he had been spry and virile. His fur had been thick and masculine, and his hindquarters contained great amounts of strength. Now, with the old age of their short life spans catching up with him, his muscles were lax and his skin was flabby. His fur was graying and falling out in clumps. When he walked, it was with a sad limp from an injury sustained three weeks earlier.

She approached him, and the male pre-human ape-like creature rose up and slowly made the motions of sexual wooing towards her. The sight struck her as a little sad and more than a little silly, the way his belly waggled along with the tired muscles of his groin. But she enjoyed his company, and retained an inexplicable fondness for the creature he had been and the creature he had become.

So, bringing something into the world that had never been there before, she pretended to him that his dance was making him irresistible to her. She knew that he hadn't the energy to actually couple with her, but wanted him to be able to retain his pre-human ape-like ego. After she responded agreeably, he dropped back onto all fours and the two of them leaned into each other contentedly. Having never heard of lies, he believed that the female creature he was with found him just as attractive as she had when they had first made mating motions towards each other all those months ago.

This was, not coincidentally, also the first time love existed.

First first

The first first was, of course, the Big Bang. Before the Big Bang created time, the universe, such as it wasn't, was pre-consecutive. Eventually the universe will come to an end, along with time, and it will be post-consecutive. For now, time exists. More or less.

The last first, incidentally, was on July 24, 1978 when Ms. Marianne Bartrum scratched her nose in a way that had never been seen in our universe or any of the many parallel universes. After that, everything had been done.

But somewhere, lying in a forgotten government archive, is a print-out dated October 29, 1969, that gives some clue as to how to find meaning in this finite, repetitive existence.

Message from Operator 777LP to Operator 4G5XC
START MESSAGE............................................................
Hey Stan, yeah I got them. Major bazookas. First class bongos. Check this out though: 80085. Just look how the computer prints that number out. You'll love it.
Frank
........................................................END MESSAGEXX39811

Turning Movie Posters Into Teenage Advisories II

Turning Movie Posters Into Teenage Advisories II

Another day, another filler blog. But hey, it's comedy and really, isn't that what counts in the end? It looks like those first wave of teenage advisory board posters had no effect. Kids are still sending naughty pictures to one another on the internet. So let's do another wave of these teenage advisory posters.


Straight up.. FUCK YOU FRANK MILLER!

Truer words have never been spoken.


Again, FUCK YOU FRANK MILLER


First rule of High school posters... You do not talk about high school posters




This could have helped me before my face was ripped off...






NO MEANS NO!


The more you learn, the more you grow...

Turning Movie Posters Into Teenage Advisories

Turning Movie Posters Into Teenage Advisories

The problem with kids these days is that they don't listen to just about anything but the mainstream media. How are we suppose to give them warnings and advisories if we can't capture their attention? There has to be a better way. Now there is! We simply have to hide the message in things they like. Let's say movies. Take a look at the latest wave of teenage advisory ads. Hopefully they'll work.


It really is a horror movie come to life.













I wish I knew how to quit you!








Is the craze taken you yet?












They'll be more. Especially since it's the Holiday time and I'm far too busy to write inane topics of current affairs. Ok, that's a lie. But you'll understand if there's a lot of comical filler like this in the days to come.