Vote Dale Peterson For Alabama Agriculture Commissioner

Vote Dale Peterson For Alabama Agriculture Commissioner

I don't live in Alabama, nor would I really ever want to... though with ad campaigns like this, I'm getting really tempted to set up a voting record there so I can vote for this fine American right here...



It's really when he brings out the gun for no reason that it gets bumped into satire. Let's go down the check list of things in this sucker.

I HAVE A GUN

I HAVE A HORSE

I HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT

LOOK AT MY WHITE COWBOY HAT

LOOK AT MY WHITE SKIN

LOOK AT MY WHITE PICKET FENCE

LOOK AT MY GUN OUT OF FUCKIN' NOWHERE

VOTE FOR ME

I think I almost got whiplash from all those jump cuts. I'm serious when I say this.. let's just vote for this guy as President 2012. Just think about it. I was sort of expecting him to do a jump cut to a close up and have him saying

"If somebody tries to steal ARE ag money..."

Jump cut to a close up

"I'll fuckin' shoot'em!"

I do have to wonder about some of the republican talking points and cliches that I didn't see. Where's the pickup truck? Where's the beard wife/kids that are the products of a fake, loveless marriage? Then again, Horse > Pickup truck. Only way it could have been better is if he had put a saddle on Ben Franklin. This was some serious old spice style politics.

I'm just going to assume that whomever wins the Republican primary will run unopposed in all of these races because, hey, who's dumb enough to sink any money into running as a Democrat in Alabama?

Alabama has a track record of just being insane when it comes to politics. I have to wonder if any Republicans in Alabama recorded anything remotely close to being non-ridiculous campaign commercials. I guess it's just a matter of what I consider "non-ridiculous". Maybe if it's just "standard republican talking points" as non-ridiculous, it'll make a lot more sense.

Just take a look at all these other campaign ads.


"funny name, serious leadership"











Man, you can rape a lot of children in ninety days, uh, or so I'm told. Anyway, the point is, sex offenders should have to register with the state every ninety seconds. Some people say this would "inconvenience" the state clerks who record sex offenders, but I'm unemployed.

I think the best thing to take away from all these is that there's clearly a guide to how you run your campaign. Want to know the secret? Here it is..

How to Make an Alabama Political Ad in Six Easy Steps

1. Open with the story of how you grew up poor and made ends meet by picking cotton/working in a mill/farming. If you grew up rich, substitute video of yourself on a horse.

2. If you are a lawyer, talk about how you will "Stand up for the common man." If you are a business person, repeat that fact as many times as possible. If you are neither, what the hell are you doing in Alabama politics?

3. Short video of yourself leaving church/playing the piano in church/praying. (If way too many people know what you're really like to pull this off convincingly, you may insert video of yourself hunting instead.)

4. Video of you shaking hands with or talking to a black person.

5. Video of yourself surrounded by your spouse and kids. (If you are divorced and/or your kids can't stand you, substitute video of yourself in an impressive office.)

6. Close with a snappy slogan that sounds clever the first time you hear it, but becomes increasingly annoying over time.

Now you know.. and knowing is half the battle. Vote early and vote often! And vote for this dude... for the school board!