The World Cup is tomorrow and since Germany isn't playing it they have bigger things on their minds. Such as, how the fuck are they going to cook and eat that fucking Octopus trader named Paul.
BERLIN - Some Germans are calling for a public roasting of the oracle octopus who correctly picked the winner of all six of their national soccer team's World Cup matches -- including a bitter defeat to Spain on Wednesday.
Paul, a two-year-old octopus in a German aquarium, turned into a global celebrity for his uncanny ability to predict the winner of all Germany's matches -- even a group stage defeat to Serbia and an ousting by Spain in the semi-finals.
"Nothing beats grilled octopus," said Dolores Lusch, a Germany fan who works on a Berlin fish stall. "Cut him up in thin slices and grill him on all sides with a dash of lemon juice, olive oil and garlic on it. Delicious!"
Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul's possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.
German newspapers and websites were filled with suggestions of what to do with Paul -- most involved cooking and eating him.
"Throw him in the frying pan," wrote the Berliner Kurier newspaper in a popular sentiment echoed by Die Welt, Sueddeutsche Zeitung, the Hamburger Abendblatt and other newspapers.
Okay, that's a little unfair. They didn't eat the Jews. That would have just been barbaric. And what the hell is this shitty writing by Reuters in the article;
Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul's possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.
But poor Paul. God, or whatever higher power Germans believe in (Hitler?) gave him a power. The power to predict German soccer game outcomes. He was just using his gifts in a non-inked method. Is it his fault that Germany lost because they didn't give a fuck about controlling the ball or having more possession of it?
Maybe you should have taken Paul out of the tank and put him in front of your goal. God knows that you could have used eight arms to protect it. But then that would be a poor use of this psychic octopus. That's an interesting thing to say and I can't stop saying it - Psychic Octopus.
I just want to point out that Psychic Octopus is now apart of the lexicon of our world's dialogue and I would like to remind you that it's insanely ridiculous - and I love it. Besides, how can anyone ever say it's ridiculous when he delivers results. It's one thing if we were asking people to believe... but the proof is right there. The octopus works. I'm pretty sure that during the Spanish civil war the octipi sided with the Stalinists.
In short, this Octopus owns. You could almost say he.... Octopwns.
But if you Germans are going to cook him up, at least follow this Nigella Lawson recipe in making fried calamari.
Serves 2 as a main course, 4 as a starter
250ml groundnut oil, or as needed, depending on size of pan
500g frozen squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 x 15ml tbsp cornflour
4 x 15ml tbsp semolina
2 tsp Old Bay seasoning (or you can use 1 tsp salt and 1 tsp paprika)For the garlic mayonnaise:
½ clove garlic
100g best-quality mayonnaise (preferably organic)Method
1 Heat the oil in a smallish saucepan and, while it’s left to warm up, cut the thawed squid into 1cm rings.
2 Put the cornflour, semolina and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag.
3 Add the squid rings and tentacles and then toss to coat.
4 When the oil is hot enough (when it sizzles fiercely when you drop in a small cube of bread) fry the squid in batches to get the most golden crunchiness. A couple of minutes per batch is all you should need.
5 Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve alongside the fried squid.
© Nigella Lawson 2007 Nigella Express: Good Food Fast,
But before you get your pots and fresh sea psychic, maybe you should see if the guy is right about Spain. Think of it as the ultimate wager. If he is right, consider him the winner and he gets to live. If he loses, then he never was psychic anyway and deserves to get tossed in the hot bath.
But you have to consider this, he's sort of a celebrity now. Look at that Pepsi product placement. He's gone Hollywood all the way from Germany. He'll be the biggest thing since the Hoff. Though you know what happens when fame comes to town.. everyone wants a piece.
Look at this Parrot trying to get in on the action. What the fuck, Polly. We already have a Paul, we don't need another P named psychic. Truly this next animal is the more accurate fake-clairvoyant beast.
What's next? Are we going to get a dog and see if he pisses on either a Netherlands or Spanish flag first. I still stand by the Octopi. They obviously have a greater psychic ability than cats and parrots. Look at them! They just ooze psychicness.
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