Seasons Greetings From The NRA

Seasons Greetings From The NRA

First can I start by saying that we at the National Rifle Association decided to keep our silence for the last few days in the belief that recent events in Connecticut did not deserve to become a political football or exploited to advance a political agenda. But I can assure you all that we are just as shocked and appalled as anyone by this week’s crazed attack on innocent semi-automatic rifle owners everywhere.

Let me be clear: we at the Association entirely agree that these random shootings must be stopped. But we must fight fire with fire. Just ask any of our nation’s courageous firefighters.

In the wake of these headlines we have to ask: how would things have gone at, say, Fort Hood, if there had been armed guards on patrol?

Or earlier this year in New York, when nine innocent pedestrians were senselessly gunned down by police officers bravely attempting to arrest an armed man who shot nearly two people? How would things have gone, if a coordinated tactical response had resulted in more armed officers shooting the stray bullets out of the way?

This has to be the start of a national conversation.

No questions.



Excuse me. Excuse me. I've just been given to understand that during our press conference an armed man in Pennsylvania gunned down several people, including three state troopers. We can only urge lawmakers again: we need armed guards in every squad car. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun are an unquantifiable number of good guys who can effortlessly overcome the human instinct not to kill others and have easy access to lethal weapons.

Then again, what happens if one of those guys gets shot? Did you ever think about that? We'd have to put armed guards around every armed guard. Yes, that should do it. Because you see, guns don't kill people, they kill lots of people. Like, wow. Look at how many people they seem to kill.

But it's those mentally ill that we need to worry about. Perhaps we should demonize everyone with mental illness. Maybe make some sort of national database to track them? Who knows? I'm just a lowly gun pusher.


To be honest, the whole speech they actually gave was complete and utter insanity and out of touch irrelevance. Between the "The answer is to put armed guards in every school" and the speech getting interrupted by protest banners, the whole spectacle was just one huge farce. The fact that at the same time a Pennsylvania nut jub was on a shooting spree was just the icing on this massive mountain of bullshit cake.

Like, I think people should probably have the right to own guns. But this is just stupidity. The NRA actually wants the government to crack down on the mentally ill and possession of mental illness, but hey, have even more guns in every school RIGHT.THIS.MOMENT!


"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," said Wayne LaPierre, the group's chief executive officer, as he lit a cigarette and scowled menacingly, eyes fixed on a city that was filthy. Crime was everywhere, working it's way throughout the city like so much dust in a neglected place and as he thought of his .44 magnum revolver realized that he would be this city's swiffer sweeper.

Besides, we already have a national registry of people who are most likely to shoot innocent civilians. In fact, most of the time you don't even have to consult the registry at all. All you need to do is look for someone who is wearing identifying badges and/or dog tags.