I'm Defecting To Canada, eh

Talking Aboot Me Defecting To Canada, eh

What am I talking Aboot? You heard me. This is all true. I'm defecting to Canada. I didn't do it to avoid any sort of draft. No, that time hasn't come yet. And I certainly aren't doing it because George Bush won the election. I mean, that was a while ago... No, I'm going for other reasons. Mainly because I don't really see myself being proud to be an American. In a land where more and more our freedom is being taken away... all in the name of keeping us safe from terrorist, I can't really find all that much to be proud of.

Then of course there's the bigger reason. You see, today is the big day. As much as I don't give a fuck about the Olympics, well beside making fun of the whole Curling shit I blogged about a couple of post ago, I do care about one event. Hockey. I'm sort of a Hockey fan.. I mean, what red blooded human wouldn't be? I once saw a fight that broke out into a Hockey game. It's violent and they're doing in three quarters what basketball takes four quarters to do.



Today is the finals. The gold medal game of Hockey and who is playing who? Well, no other than America vs Canada. The rematch that we were all hoping for. America won against Canada earlier in the Olympics and now the lines have clearly been drawn. Whose side will you be on? America, home of a ton of Hockey teams in markets that typically don't have snow conditions to warrant ice skating? Or Canada, the proud nation who celebrates Hockey as if it is their version of Football.

I think the choice is rather easy. GO CANADA! Don't get me wrong, I love the Los Angeles Kings and I catch the games whenever I can. Even though Baseball is my first love in terms of sports, I still have plenty of room for The Kings. But let's face it, Canada made the sport what it is. It's their players that make our teams look great.



But you see, this sort of comes into conflict with me as I am an American citizen and should, by all accounts, be caring about the medal count that America has going. If I were a good patriotic warm blooded American, I should be cheering for America to get another gold medal to brag about. I'm not. I'm bucking the rules. I'm going for Canada and perhaps that means I should turn in my citizenship.

Yes, that's right. I'm going to give up Dunkin' Donuts, even though I've never even tried them, and instead I'll get Tim Horton's, eh. No, I'm not being nuttier than a Tim Horton's Maple log, I think that being Canadian will be really cool. I get to use a Loonie and Toonie, so you Americans using silly dollar bills, you hoosers should just take off, eh!



What exactly is a Hooser? Well, I'm glad you asked. Now that I'm defecting to Canada I should know these things. It's the losers of a Hockey game that wash the rink so that it freezes again and is as smooth as a whistler's behind, eh.

Speaking of which, Hockey.. yeah, that was the point of this whole blog post. I plan on cheering for the Canadian Hockey team. I wish them the best of luck. They should win. It would be like the American teams losing to Korea or the Dominican Republic in baseball. Oh wait, that happens all the time.



But still, GO CANADA! My new Home and native land! I want to be a Canadian so bad that I'll even go to their malls!


So why not join me in my Super Canadian pose as we all go to the mall. Yes, I'll be sporting a Robin Sparkles shirt some time soon. Booyah!

Canadians are generally good matured. That's what I like about them. Maybe it is because they are slow. I have no idea. All I do know is that they're A-Okay in my book. Maybe it is that slowness after all, the one-eyed man in the land of the blind is king.

I like to believe that I'm part Canadian already. Only a real cannuck would be buying a six'er of Molson at CVS at midnight along with a pack of diapers. Yes, that's right. I did that. Why? That's a story for another day, god damn it. The point is that only a true Canadian would be in that situation, eh!



Besides, how could you turn down their maple syrup? It's so much better than the cheap Ms. Buttersworth crap we get here in America. It's not even Syrup, it's just fucking sugar. Fake sugar at that. I don't want no HFCS on my pancakes, eh! You can get those pancakes and take off!

But wait.. I didn't think this all the way through. I hate Canadian Bacon. That shit is NOT bacon. it's lean pig meat cut to look like bacon. But you know what, I have to take one for the team, eh. This also means that I have to really look into getting a Hockey team that is from Canada. The Vancouver Canucks or the Edmonton Oilers sounds about right



But yeah, eh. So here I go, becoming a Canadian citizen. I better learn the theme song;

O Canada! our home and native land!
True patriot-love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
And stand on guard, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Curling Gender Roles

Curling Gender Roles

While I don't give a flying fuck about the Olympics and I really don't care about national pride, I did flip through the channels of my television the other night and I some how landed on Curling. The first thing that one would try to comprehend is what exactly is the rules, or the point of this event, but I was fixated on the larger issues -namely why they have to separate this by gender.

Why is there a men's and women's events for this? Is it because of the Patriarchy being terrified of being bested by a woman? It's not like strength or agility has any real baring with curling. I also realized I haven't really said much in terms of misogynistic lately.. Okay, that Valentine's stuff doesn't count cause, it's Valentine's and well, that's massively unfavorably for women to begin with. Besides, this message is actually about equality and leveled playing field.

Could it possibly be that boobs make the big puck thing go 14% faster? And that's for the pair. It's roughly 7% per tit. Gynecomastia does help, but not as much as original girl tits. Tranny tits do a little better. The highest boost recorded was a Swede with 38E's who managed a full 17% faster than the amount of kinetic energy she put into her push. No one really knows why this works but the Soviets suspected magnets.



Maybe it's because women would lose every single goddamn time like in any other pursuit of human excellence and "feminist" would find it embarrassing and hard to explain when they can't claim hormonal disadvantage like in the more physical sports. Hmm, fuck. This paragraph seems to contradict the last one, but maybe you should take what I say as sarcasm.

Perhaps it just comes down to a separation of events so that it means more gold medals the US can win unfairly. But it's actually an interesting question when related to other sports and games. shooting, Chess, Archery, Motor racing, Horse riding.. well, motor racing isn't separated by genders there's just no good female drivers because women can't drive patriarchy

I could have gone the easy route in poking fun of this and saying that they're separated because it's actually an unfair advantage for women. I mean, yeah, it's 50-80 pound stone being tossed, but the real challenge in curly seems to be the sweeping to slow the stone down before the target.. and let's face it, women have a far bigger advantage when it comes to rapid sweeping...



Then again women even fail at the stuff they're expected and encouraged by society to be good at when men enter the field. My example: Culinary arts. How many Iron Chef's are women? And even the one they do have seems to lose every time I see her get called up for a challenge

From what I could gather, the only difference between the two genders in Curly is that men get much more curl on the stone due to greater arm strength. I guess that rules out my other theory that it's to prevent dudes from looking up the skirts of those Danish curling ladies. But still, I'm sure if only the non-physical sports weren't separate by gender we'd surely see that women can be just as good.

Here's a fun fact: Shooting events in the summer Olympics were mixed until fairly recently. There appears to be a trend where mixed competition lasted until a woman won a medal. Then either women were barred from competing in that particular event, or they were given their own event that was "easier" and had different scoring so that men's butts wouldn't be hurt as much.


damn, stylin

What I'm trying to say is that most men are sensitive babies who can't stand the shame of losing to a more skilled competitor (who happens to be a woman) so they try to make it as hard as possible to compare the two accurately while framing ladies sports as gentler or easier.

So see, to my female readership, I may have started with a little bit of snarky comments towards women, but in the end I show that men and women can compete with each other on equal playing fields, and as a feminist myself, I'm all about making sure that the playing field is as equal as possible. That's why I make fun so much. Because I would openly mock anyone the same way. Equality.

No Sweet Home In Chicago For The Olympics

No Sweet Home In Chicago For The Olympics

The news broke yesterday that Chicago would not only NOT host the 2016 Olympics, but that they were eliminated in the first round of voting. Even with Obama going over there and pitching for the city. Let's see how it looked at the International Olympic committee



Oh boo! And here I thought Chicago was a sure shot in winning this. Now it seems that Chicago will miss out on all the joy and beauty of struggling to pay for all the new facilities the Olympics would have made them build. Even if it means destroying Chicago's economy in the process.

A lot of attention has been paid on the media coverage of local crimes in Chicago. From kids beating other kids to the typical every day Chicago corruption, how is any of this stuff news worthy? I do hate that they are painting the picture that in Chicago everyone gets beat by 2x4's but Rio is all about beaches and consensual sex.



Yeah, Chicago has taped beatings. But Rio is the helicopter capitol of the world so that the rich don't risk it on the streets. They drive the bulletproof glass industry because it's so dangerous on the streets. The moral here is that you should invest in bulletproof helicopters.

Rio winning is a human rights travesty. It's like throwing the 1840 Olympics in Atlanta.. or holding an Olympic event in Nazi Germany... Oh wait. It's going to be a real shock to Brazilian society when they start displacing their poor for this. For



Looking to the past Olympic games, they've displaced more than 2 million people in the past twenty years. 1.5 were evicted during Beijing. 3,000 Roma for the Athens Olympics. About 30,000 low income people of Atlanta, Georgia were affected as well. What will happen to all those shanty towns?

2,000 housing units were destroyed, leaving 6, 000 residents without homes. Additionally, 9,000 homeless folks were given citations and removed. Finally, 720,000 people, mostly the poor, were displaced during the Seoul, South Korea Olympics. Many would say that removing homeless people, beggars and the poor would be a great clean up effort, but obviously humans should not be treated like cockroaches.



The Olympics are notorious for going over budget. London's going to cost three times as much as originally expected. Who suffers then? Then there's the Olympic village. For London, they have no idea what they'll do with the 1.1 billion dollar Village. It's a sad fact that most of the Olympic venues fall into disuse and disrepair pretty quickly. Even the much-fapped-over Birds Nest Stadium has hardly been used since last summer's Olympics.

Chicago is already $500 million in the hole for this year, I just think it would have been a huge drain on city resources for not all that much of a benefit. I'm sure the art of the deep dish pizza will be lost on all those out of towners. Now we'll be able to see Charo and Sepultura handle the opening ceremony.



The problem now is we're going to get a few weeks of bleating about Obama's failure to bring home the games rather than years and years of mudslinging about how corrupt the Chicago games will be. The never ending amount of corruption talk and how much Obama is personally involved in lining the pockets of Delay with hundreds of instances of bribery, kickbacks, etc that would result alone sounds like a reason not to hold them in Chicago.

The Olympic games are basically a chance for the elite to show off and spend taxpayer money on their own pet projects that marginally improve the quality of life.. if by anyway of the host country. While this isn't evident in well developed countries, think of the old neighborhoods that got torn down to play host to the Beijing Olympics.


Don't be too sad Chicago, I'll be visiting in the next few months

How about those Chinese store fronts and restaurants that were complaining that the Beijing Olympics didn't increase their businesses because the threat of leaving the Olympic village wasn't worth it. With Rio being as fucked up as it is, do you honestly think any of those local businesses will see anyone come out of the compound Olympic village?

From what I can tell the best, if not only, reason to have the Olympics in a city is to improve the international reputation of the host country. It seems like large cities in countries that are already major global players don't benefit economically and just wind up having brand-new billion dollar buildings going mostly unused.

This is exactly why "new" powers like China, Putin's Russia and now Brazil are willing to fuck their relatively poor people in the ass--they are insecure and need the validation of the world to make them feel like big boys. A place like Rio, a tourist attraction in its own right, wont get a major boost. Not to mention that it'll suffer some because they already have to deal with working with the world cup in 2014.

But hey, if you need some primer to get you to know a bit more about Rio, let Disney be your guide: