Best At What He Does. He Shouldn't Do Movies.

Best At What He Does. He Shouldn't Do Movies.

This weekend saw Wolverine snkt out an opening weekend worthy of the comic movie label with it making $87 million this weekend in the U.S Sadly the quality of the film is piss poor. A lot of people I know are trying to cover the stink of this film by saying that "IT'S JUST A FUN POPCORN FLICK!" To them I say NO. No it's not. It's retarded. Crank is a good dumb popcorn movie. It never tries to be more than an ADD induced thrill ride. Wolverine was just a terrible piece of shit.



But then again, a lot of people already knew this weeks ago when a work print was released. Fox, back then, claimed that a lot was being added and that it was an early work print. Once the effects were put in, it would save the film. No. No it wouldn't.

I never really cared for the X-men films. Even as a crazy comic guy, I thought they were at best, a viewing to themselves. I know I would never own them. They didn't capture the X-men that I grew up reading so I had low expectations before seeing a final print of it at work. Even with these lowered expectations the movie let me down.


At least they got rid of the stupid hair he's had. Like the yellow costume, It doesn't translate well to film

The movie's major problem was jumping around too much. Ok, now we're in the 1800s, now we're going through every major war, now we're with a black ops team for a week, now we're with some chick in the woods, now we're getting the adamantium, now we're with some kindly old couple reminiscent of the Hudsons overnight. Oops, they're dead, what a waste of 10 minutes thinking we were supposed to care about them. Now we're in Vegas teaming up with Wraith. Now we're in New Orleans, Wraith is dead, and we're teaming up with Gambit. Now we're in Pennsylvania, but Gambit's gone for some reason. Jesus, stand still for 10 minutes!

A month of reshoots and a solid editor could probably salvage this thing into a decent character-driven story of how James and Victor started off the same but took increasingly divergent paths as they tried finding their way in a world without mutant exemplars like Xavier and Magneto to guide them.


Well, that's one costume that doesnt' translate good anyway you try it...

Ah, I see we're in the "all criticism must be nerd rage because it's a comic book movie" phase. The "nerd rage" is icing on the shit cake of mistakes this movie made that have nothing to do with comic books.

There's two minor plot points that are really bothering me. 1) Why weren't the adimantium bullets given to Zero from the onset when they sent him to capture wolvie? 2) Wolverine telling gambit that he's "Going to kill everyone," then killing only Deadpool, then Gambit saying "You weren't lying when you said you were gonna kill everyone." Hard to do in a PG-13 rated film.



I Started playing the game and within the fist minute I chopped a dudes legs off and watched him crawl away. This game is brutal violent. Makes you dream of a R wolverine movie. Even with the comics this whole "Let's not kill anyone with the character who has knives for hands" gets old fast. X-force is the only comic that seems to let Wolverine stab shit left and right as you would expect someone with these claws for hands would.

Back to his memory erasing shit, what makes the whole, "I'll shoot him in his memories with magic bullets!" thing even more ridiculous? That, as per the, "ok now erase his memories" dialogue right after the adamantium bonding process, they must have already possessed a non-bullet related way of erasing memories in that facility. So, why the fuck not use that, if they've already bothered to set up the possibility. It removes the obvious ridiculousness of the magic bullets, the gaping plot hole of sending the mutant whose power it is to shoot guns real good after Wolverine without the bullets that could damage him, and the smaller but still annoying plot hole of Wolverine not having those bullet holes in his skull later in life.


Well, At least I liked Gambit in what little he was actually in the film..

This movie was really just incredibly awful. And so much of the dialogue just didn't even make sense. Why does Zero try and pin his killing of those two kindly old cliches on Wolverine? He has already been specifically ordered to kill him, so it's not like he needed to do that to justify it. And it's never brought up again. And why does fake-but-really-not-fake-girlfriend-mutant's power not work on Sabertooth? Fuck, I don't know, I guess because if it did the plot wouldn't be able to advance or something.

The whole mess was just incredibly lazy and incoherent. Does anyone know why pre-Deadpool Wade has the mutant power to spin his swords really fast and enter bullet time to deflect bullets? Also, this movie's take on the origin of Deadpool's name was hilariously stupid and forced. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you take the character who's whole handle is "Merc with a mouth" and you sew his mouth shut? How the fuck does that make any fuckin' sense?



What happened to the deadpool that I loved from the comics. You see, this is a perfect circle. Originally Deadpool was created by Rob Liefeld as a complete rip off character of a DC villian named Death Stroke. His real name is Slade Wilson. Take that and you'll notice that Deadpool's name is Wade Wilson. They both wear the whole mask and play with swords. Yes. He was a completely stolen character.

Only, he was made great when they stopped making him a serious character and just had him throwing out wise crack remarks. That's the Wade I thought Ryan Rynolds would be perfect at. I really hope this dvd comes out with a Deadpool thought bubble commentary.



Don't even get me started on the time frame of this film. X-men came out in 2000. This film is suppose to take place 15 years prior to the first X-men film as Xavier says

"Its been 15 years, hasn't it? You've been wandering around, not knowing who the hell you are?"

Of course, that still doesn't make any goddamn sense; the film supposedly takes place about 6-10 years after the Vietnam War, which would place it in the late 70's... Three Mile Island disaster happened in 1979. Ergo, the bulk of the movie takes place in 1979. The opening of the movie takes place in Canada's Northwest Territories, which, along with Canada, didn't exist until at least ten years after the opening of the movie.

You know what, I'm gonna stop right here. There's no point trying to think about how this fits in properly with the other films, the filmmakers obviously didn't.

Suffice to say, Fuck this film. Company loyalty be damned.

Free Comic Book Day

Free Comic Book Day

Today is free comic book day. Unlike May day, which is all about rights and protesting, this day is all about getting free comic books and sucking in more lives to the dark side of nerdom. Yes, comic books are like a vampire. They bite you and even though everyone says reading is a good hobby and comics are all about reading, no one considers comic books as actually reading. Silly, silly people.

So what is Free Comic Book Day I'll let Wolverine explain it.

Pretty snazzy, don't you think?

But you should just stop it after the message because that Wolverine trailer is awful. Only fitting that an awful trailer goes with an awful movie. It's only fitting that Fox would like to release Wolverine first off the bat in terms of Summer movies. It also attaches itself to the weekend of Free Comic Book Day.

Let's move away from FCBD for a second and talk about shitty movies. Namely Wolverine. I can't say I was much of a fan of the X-men franchise films anyway. They never really seemed to get much of the characters right. Rogue, goes and gets a cure in the third film after the first two films were all about accepting your differences from everyone else. So telling people to conform seems out there.



Wolverine's biggest downfall is the fact that they decided to use other Marvel characters in name alone. When you tell me that Ryan Rynoilds would be playing Deadpool, I was excited. Who else can play the merc with a mouth than an actor who seems to have nailed the whole witty remarks. This film uses and abuses the character in ways I don't even want to talk about.

So the general idea, even coming from Joe Q, editor and chief of Marvel, is that this is a pile of shit. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy FCBD, just avoid the film at all cost. So what does FCBD have in store for us? A color and an illuminating device. GREEN LANTERN.



This summer's big event is by Geoff Johns and is all about space cops who use colorful rings. I'm a nut for Green Lantern. So when the start of this summer big book crossover will be free of charge to anyone on FCBD, I was sold. For those of you who think of this as too nerdy, just imagine it as one big book spread out over a ton of little monthly comics. It's better for the distribution of it when it comes time for the publisher to collect 12 payments instead of one.

So what's this big story? Oh, it's too nerdy to talk about and I'm already going to be pretty busy today anyway. I'm cutting this short since I have a bunch of comic shops to hit up before this gravy train of comic book day is all said and done.

I'm sure I'll write some blog about Green Lantern in general another time. Shit, I have a ton of shirts. That alone warrants some mentioning. Why? Cause I'm a nerd.

Anyhow. If you have kids or just want to see nerds in action, go to any comic shop today and enjoy FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! It'll be a great time to get into all those books before the big summer movies next year.

Picking Up The Dark Reigns - Modern Marvels

Picking Up The Dark Reigns - Modern Marvels

Marvel does this every couple year or so. Well, as often as they can. They have a mega event that you have to buy every single comic cross over spread across the shelf for in order to make heads or tails on the story and once thats over they just start up a new one. It's like they know how to squeeze the money out of us nerds.

There should be some sort of law against this sort of action. How am I suppose to keep up? And now they're advertising the hell out of this event. Which is for Dark Reign. Last year the world was under attack by shape changing Skrulls who made all the heroes question who was themselves and who was actually an alien in disguise. It was a complete run around and while it was fun, the only thing that seems to come out of it seems to be that the bad guys came out looking like the heroes.

Our villains, Norman Osborn specifically, came out ahead in the publics eye because of the event. Now he has control over what happens as he's the leader of the world police force named HAMMER. Heroes who don't sign up with him and fall in line are now the bad guys and will be hunted. Those who do.... well, they're just sell out dicks.

To peak the nerd attention they released a couple of pictures of this event to just get us drooling. Let me tell you it's NOT.GOING.TO.WORK! Damn you for trying this Marvel. I don't want to spend all my money on your product! I told myself I'd curb my comic buying!

To better get you aware of the changes ahead in the Marvel Universe, I'm going to help you with this by describing what's going on.

Besides being a mean drunk, Tony Stark is now on the run. He's a wanted man. Not because he's Robert Downey Jr. No, no. but because his Stark technology seemed to allow the aliens to kick our ass so easily. With Iron Man on the run this image is simply trying to show they're trying to get his ass. Oddly enough we wont get Bush to be accountable for his actions but we'll get Tony Stark to take the blame because aliens hacked into his system... Hmmmm

Emma Frost was a long time bad guy to the X-men. She always dressed slutty. Recently she went towards a diamond look and took dibs on Cyclops. I guess you can say she doesn't mind that one-eyed mutant. Perhaps she's going back to her old ways? Who knows. It's more along the lines of a teaser. Like the front of a comic book, you'll hardly see if that story even has anything resembling the cover art in it.

New Osborn, who you'll read more about later, is now using Iron Man's armor and is walking around like he owns the place. In this picture he has the new Captain America, the one who used to be Captain America's sidekick (It's complicated, don't ask) is, in this picture, bowing to him. I wouldn't take too much stock into this. I'd say, at best, this gets New Cap to get into the role as leader. But I suppose it does entice folks into buying more comics.

Spiderman has gone through a lot of shit lately. He made a pact with the devil to save his Aunt May, because he's a big ass pussy and can't let the status quo ever die, but because of that he lost his marriage. He turned to his black costume and then went back to the regular one. So the public doesn't know what the fuck to think. Venom, that huge black spiderman looking villain took this and ran with it as he's not going around looking just like Spidey in a black costume. Guess the down-on-his-luck Peter Parker isn't going to have life any easier in this whole Dark Reign..

If you're not reading Thor... well, then you're more than likely not a comic nerd. But to sum it up, he's the God of thunder and all that jazz. His trickster half brother Loki got him kicked the hell out of his own land and now he's just making his life a living hell. It's actually a very good read. Well, if you can make sense of the numbering on how a new Thor series went from issue #1-12 and then jumped to Thor #600... Yeah, I dislike the marketing of comics. They restart a comic to #1 to boost sales and then revert back to the old numbering? Seriously, what the fuck! Nerds are suppose to be able to do math and I know 600 doesn't come after 12



Yes, that's not actually Wolverine. You see, there's a reason why he seems to appear in every-god-damn-book released weekly. They not only created a clone of Wolverine named X-23 who is a female version of him. I would imagine the heads at marvel only created her because they were getting flooded with the question "Am I gay if I masturbate to Wolverine" by their fans and just wanted them to feel alright.

But they also made it that Wolverine has a kid who has the same sort of three claws. Only one is on the palm side of his hand. Oh yeah, he's also edgy with tribal arm band tattoos... Well, he's the new wolverine in these dark times... at least he's dressing as wolverine.

The biggest fall out to Secret Invasion was the Wasp dying. For a character made famous only because she was the victim of domestic violence at the hands of a B-rate hero husband of hers. So it looks like Hank Pym, who was abducted for years by the skrulls, is now back in the fold of being a hero. He also changed his name and costume to honor his now dead wife... who he once beat... Yeah. Creepy doesn't cover it well enough.

Norman Osborn, who you will remember as being played by Willem Dafoe in the Spider-man movie. You know, he was the crazy Green Goblin guy. Well, in Secret Invasion he shot the leader of the skrulls with an old gun and became the most loved character since Sliced Bread man. Only downside to this hero worship is that he's still crazy with the whole Green Goblin split personality even though he's now the head hancho of the worlds security. Thus, Dark Reign.

Now that you're all caught up with what's going on in the comics let's move over into the Marvel Movies realm. Edger Wright has released some very exclusive Thor casting news...


Personally... I can't wait... Ooooh... wai....