I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ALIENS, BUT CLEARLY THIS SARCOPHAGUS IS ALIENS

Look, I have stayed home on many a Friday nights and watched the discovery channel to realize that I'm not saying this is ancient aliens, but clearly this massive black sarcophagus that was unearthed in Egypt is aliens

A massive black granite sarcophagus and a sculpture of a man who may be buried inside have been discovered in a tomb in Alexandria, Egypt.

The granite sarcophagus looks foreboding: It's nearly 9 feet long, 5 feet wide and 6 feet tall (2.7 by 1.5 by 1.8 meters). And, it may be the largest sarcophagus ever discovered in Alexandria, said Mostafa Waziri, general secretary of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, in a statement released by Egypt's antiquities ministry.

A thick layer of mortar covers much of the sarcophagus, suggesting that it has not been opened since it was buried, Waziri said in the statement. As such, the person buried in the sarcophagus, along with any clothing or jewelry they wore and any artifacts they were buried with, may still be intact, waiting to be discovered.

Oh shit. THAT'S where I left that thing. Look, it contains one spooky ghost. Honestly, you guys can keep both. Just scratch out the "property of Javier, call this number to return", I've changed the number at least twice in all these years anyway. 



At first I thought this was just another Elon Musk product trying to save those Thai Kids and we'll find out that there's a dead one trapped in there. Leave it to Musk to try and build a rescue submarine and end up with a shitty time machine.

Makes me also wonder if this isn't just the remnants of some X-men viral marketing? Personally speaking, I think we should totally open the giant black Egyptian sarcophagus, and maybe also mock the featureless alabaster head. I mean, based on the size of the tomb, clearly this dude had a small dick.

And if you're wondering if this news is just a whole lot of nothing, remember that this was originally reported on the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities Facebook page. Those guys are as serious as a heart attack. There's no getting through to them when it comes to jokes. Though, I mean, I bet maybe they get a little goofy on,  like, birthdays and new years and casual Fridays.  

The thing is that these sort of events happen very often. I've seen way too many 'Hey, I found an old safe and I'm going to open it' situations to believe that there's actually anything inside worth the attention it attempted to receive. You're not going to fool me again, Egypt. Besides, if video games have taught me nothing else, it's that this sucker will either have
A) Anciet evil that triggers the Apocalypse
B.) High level loot
C.) At least some experience points earned for smashing the shit out of it.

And I'm honestly okay with all three outcomes. Can we just make sure that Brandon Fraser is on hand when they crack the fucker open? Dude has a handful of experience dealing with this and it'll be a shame to waste that talent

I do find it funny that they made a specific note that it had not been opened since it was buried. Like, maybe, just maybe someone wanted to make sure that whatever is inside couldn't get out? Just a thought.  I bet if something ancient and deathless rises from this tomb and declares itself the Pharaoh of the World, look, I know it sounds a little crazy, but I vote we give it a chance. We really can't just assume it would be worse than what we've already got going on now.

"A vote for Pharaoh of the World is a vote for stability and good governance. 5000 years of running the Illuminati from void black granite tomb can't be wrong! The economy is safe in my cold, undead hands!"

Look, not that I'm wishing for our demise... which, I guess I kind of am. But it would be really cool if this was some cursed eternal mummy wizard master who unleashed terrible spells on the world causing it to go down in a terrible vengeful flame for a cool reason and not just to increase the value of shareholders at the expense of foreign children's souls or something.

Part of me is torn on the subject. If the mummy wizard awakens other ancient creatures of myth and nightmare, brings magic back into the world, ends the Age of Reason, and brings mankind's reign over this Earth to an end, then we won't have any internet anymore. We got to look at the big picture here. On the other hand, Vampires, Succbi, and Djinn will inherit our infrastructure and you know they're going to end up with an internet that's even more fucked up than ours. So in essence, I'm not hearing a downside to any of this. 

Whatever is inside, I just hope it kills us all. If it's some sort of Lovecrraftian forbidden knowledge that sends us to our doom, well then all the better. Part of me also wishes it was one of those giants from the Bible, here to finally own those Lib-tards to kingdom come!  Though it's probably just a stupid mummy. But, you know, it being Friday the 13th and this being a nice jet black color, it might just be a really goth mummy to go with all that black aesthetic. That'll be cool as well. I always wanted to see a true to life goth mummy. And not just the ones I witness outside Hot Topic at the mall.



Seriously though. That is not a featureless alabaster head, it's a goddamn fucking warning. Did you not see The Strain? Because this is how we get to the point in The Strain where we were all fucked. And by fucked, I mean the viewers. because, Jesus, that was a bad show.

You know how this is going to end up. How it always ends up with these long drawn out archeological finds. After five years of extensive studies, they will conclude that there's a dead guy inside.  But for good reason, I suppose, Archaeologists always drag their feet when they find something of any significance as it's the only real way to get reliable funding. Do you want them to go back to teaching or something?

By then everyone should have 4k HD televisions, so they better fucking stream it in that sucker or they may as well just bury the goddamn thing again. Also, can we nail down a contract with Geraldo to be on hand when it's televised. 

Maybe they should just step aside and let some Youtuber who unboxes things take a tackle at this fucker. Please remember to like and subscribe, and be sure to stop by their online store for merch and/or support them on their Patreon. Every click is just more support towards watching them unbox something else... God damn, civilization is so fucked right now.

*The host pulls out a box cutter and starts slicing through the packing tape with it; world ends*

But now that I mention boxes, I'm pretty sure that it's just a bunch of increasing smaller sarcophagi inside this big ass one. It'll be pretty comical, really. They are going to open it and discover another, smaller coffin inside and this cycle will repeat itself until the end of time. Honestly, if I was a 2000 year old dead guy, I'd make sure to fully annoy the snot out of my would be future grave robbers with a prank that has that much time to build up on.



Then again, that's pretty much how every Egyptian sarcophagus work anyway. They had a giant outer stone sarcophagus, a big inner wooden coffin, often another wood coffin inside that and then maybe a mummy and a whole bunch of cats or something. I give up caring. You know what, fuck it. I take that back. I'm not putting all my money on it actually being an even bigger, blacker sarcophagus inside of this one. Don't ask me how I think that make sense. I'm just willing to put it on the line for it.

Otherwise it'll be just a container for some crazy enchanted artifact. Like a scepter that can cast the ultimate destruction magic, usable only once every thousand years. Powerful enough to evaporate Athens in a single blast. But, you know, ancient Athens. Which was totally smaller than, like, Connecticut or some suburban New York area.

Look, man. Ancient magic doesn't really scale up very well. Just look at your computer from, like, ten years ago.

Just imagine, chilling with yo homie Horus and Osiris, on, like, the banks of the Nile, and then some filthy peasant yanks you back to some museum to get ogled by tourist for all eternity. That fucking wizard is going to be hella pissed. I know I would be too. Curses for every one of you!  So maybe we should just leave it buried and respect their customs, you know. Like a polite human would do.

Let's face it. The sucker, besides having a very beef jerky looking old dude, is just going to contain a curse, and that's the best we can hope for. And by curse I mean some horrific dormant fungus inside that will kill us all. So, yeah, basically a curse.  And if you don't believe in curses, then well, that's typically a good amount of famous last words.

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

PAPA JOHNS - GARLIC BUTTER AND THE N WORD

I mean, just saying "the N word" automatically made you think of nigger in your mind, so really, I just made you a little bit racist. Then again, words are just fucking words. It's the context that they are used in that really matter. That and who is using it. In this case, we already knew that John Schnatter, the founder and public face of Papa John's pizza, was an asshole. And thus he had to apologize for using the N word in a conference call.

In a statement issued through the company, Schnatter said: "News reports attributing the use of inappropriate and hurtful language to me during a media training session regarding race are true. Regardless of the context, I apologize. Simply stated, racism has no place in our society."

According to the account in Forbes, Schnatter was on a call with Laundry Service, a marketing agency, and was asked how he planned to manage future public relations flare-ups.
On the call, Schnatter sought to downplay the significance of his criticism of the league and its players, Forbes reported.

"Colonel Sanders called blacks n-----s," he said, complaining that Sanders had never received backlash, according to Forbes. The parent company of KFC did not immediately answer a request for comment.

Forbes also reported that Schnatter recalled growing up in Indiana, where he said people used to drag black people from their trucks until they died.

Forbes reported that Schnatter's comments were intended to demonstrate his stance against racism, but that people on the call were offended by them.

This is why you don't go full garlic butter, man. Side note, the part where Forbes sought comment from KFC about whether Col Sanders ever used the n-word cracked me the fuck up for some reason. That is some amazing diligent journalism on their part and is reason number 40,403 why I just slum it on a blogger page and don't have a desk at the local paper.

To get to the heart of this and for anyone who just doesn't already know of this piece of shit asshole who makes shitty pizza. He lives in the largest house in the USA, it's pictured below while not pictured below is a dual underground garage. He refuses to provide any sort of health coverage to his employees because it would cost a whopping fourteen extra cents per pizza and Papa likes his profit margins as is!

In 2015 his pizza chain was court ordered to pay $12,3000,000 to more than 19,000 Pizza delivery men who had been stiffed on their wages. On top of that, he has insured his hands for millions of dollars, which just seems like the beginning aspect of why this guy is so very very strange. I mean, that's not really evil. But come on, really? I can barely muster up the energy to insure my goddamn property, let alone my magical dough flipping hands.

Also, Col. Sanders was born in the goddamn 1800's and died in 1980. Which century does Papa John think it is right now? Even if you claim to have seen Sanders on television the other night, be it looking slightly different each time. Him calling someone the N word has no baring on if you, an Italian asshole, can do it.

Back to the house for a minute. I know you're wondering, "Is that really the largest home in the USA? Sure, it looks big, but there's gotta be something bigger, right?"  To which I will answer, yes. Yes it is. It's also the most expensive house. A bigger question would be what one even does with a house that big.  After dick swinging and throwing in a movie theater screen and a ton of other bullshit rooms, like say one with a bouncy castle or a giant pool, what the fuck do you even do next? The ideas eventually run out. I suppose you could use a room for eating, but wtf, who the hell sits down at a table in their own home to eat a meal? Come on, that's just silly. Maybe I just can't dream that big because I'm not slinging pizza so shitty that you have to slather corn syrup filled "garlic butter" all over it.

But again, I guess the answer to all that is simply that a giant asshole just needs a giant house. Maybe he should use that giant ass house to stay the fuck out of the public eye. As it seems that he really comes across as a dumb piece of shit asshole every time he shows up in the news, which seems to be a pretty regular thing lately.

He complains about the NFL all the time because he is a sponsor and he stands to lose money there, the Superbowl is the highest grossing ad space you can buy, so, you know, small dick big house over there clearly has to jump on that and make sure he voices his worthless opinion on if players kneel. Even more comical is that given the NFL is his huge bread and butter, that he's a giant Trump support since Trump is constantly stirring shit with the NFL.

Just remember... BO IS IN DA HOUSE!


  Let's get some sodie pops - Which I guess must be something completely different than what I know to be Sodie pops, given that he just can't hold his liquor. To end this stupid piece, here he is completely shitfaced at a Cardinals game in 2013 kicking it with a couple of bros.

Seriously. Fuck that guy.

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

GET OUT YOUR SHINE BOX

Early this week it was announced that former Fox News co-president Bill fucking Shine was going to be the Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications. As a former Fox employee - the television station, not the god awful news division, I can say with certainty -   FUCK!

Hey, just a reminder, but remember when this piece of shit resigned because of completely ignoring sexual harassment at Fox?

Yeah, I totally do. In fact, going as far as David Folkenflik starting at the time that a growing number of women at Fox News have alleged, some in court document no less, that he was aware of deeply inappropriate behavior against them and straight up gave no fucks. Going as so far in some situation as suppressing them. Well beyond the level of just ignoring the allegations.

Now that Bill Shine's salary is paid by us, the tax paying folk, I feel that maybe we're owed a full accounting of his role in covering up nearly two decades of sexual harassment and blackmail. You know, to even be remotely comfortable with this.

I know we won't get shit, but a boy can dream, can't he?

This just highlights the fact even more that this administration is the goddamn worst and this isn't even the worst news of the last two weeks about it. I haven't even tackled the stupid amount of shit that came out of Trump's supreme court reality tv level picks and let's not get into the other messes that I'm sure I'm not even aware of at the time of this writing.

In short, this is goddamn awful and every day we just stray further from the light while eating this shit sandwich with no power to do anything other than grin and bare it. Time to put an even more Fox News spin shine on the current administration.  Even though Bill's wife can't get out from her own way in terms of not hiding her racism with tweets like;

• “Where are the black celebrities, sports stars, musicians, why [aren’t] they speaking out tonight against blacks targeting & murdering cops?” @darlashine posted in 2016 after five police officers were killed in Dallas.
• “You really are a terrible President @BarackObama @POTUS allowing our police officers to be gunned down like this,” said a tweet following the same shooting.
• “Comical to see these over paid black sports stars give Black Lives Matter speech at ESPYs,” tweeted the account in 2016.
• “When will Al Sharpton demand [that] young black boys do the right thing?” said another tweet.
• “Imagine the protests if 3 white teens murdered a black woman #AmandaBlackburn Only Black Lives Matter I guess,” said a tweet about the fatal 2015 shooting of Amanda Blackburn in Indianapolis.

Yup. Man, I sure love how Trump is draining the swamp and putting in the upmost respected of quality folks in the mix.

Goddamn it.

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH

GETTING YOUR KAVANUGH 

See, that's suppose to sound like a play on words, but you know what. I don't care anymore. The news is shitty, this supreme court justice pick is shitty and things are just going to remain shitty for a while to come. So who is Brett Kavanaugh?  It's a good assumption to just make that he's a huge piece of shit and move on with the copious amounts of drinking you need to do to accept this new normal. But hey, finally a middle-aged white man has broken through to an office of power. God bless America right now.

Clearly the biggest thing to worry about is Roe vs Wade. But even the affordable care act is in straight up danger. Voting rights as a whole as well and it's not like the supreme court didn't just do a major blow towards unions recently, but expect more workers' rights to be under fire. It's a damn shame that Gay marriage will be under attack in a major way because this justice pick is even more of a Trump lapdog. But hey, Long Live the Fetuses!

I mean, at least once those babies are born into a perilous situation that Trump has led us in to, they will have a deep web of social support programs to tur..... BAWHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, I couldn't finish that line with a straight face.

Also, just a heads up, as if everything wasn't already shitty and beyond surreal, but in a 2009 law review article, Kavanaugh stated that his experience in the White House persuaded him to think that the job of president is far more difficult than any other civilian position in government.  And that presidents should be exempt from civil lawsuits and criminal investigations or prosecutions while in office.   I mean, I don't have any idea why Trump would pick him for the Supreme Court, do you?

Finally, at age 53, he's going to be fucking up our shit for at least 25-30 years before either the sweet hand of death releases him from fucking shit up or he gets paid off by another Republican President - lol, why  would we vote that way every again? - wants to replace him with a younger version of Christian value protector.

Side note; It seems to be circulating that, well, much like 9/11 and Obama being a reptilian president who eats babies, that, well, Justice Kennedy had some stakes in the game as this came out

Source familiar tells NBC that Justice Kennedy had been in negotiations with the Trump team for months over Kennedy’s replacement. Once Kennedy received assurances that it would be Kavanaugh (his former law clerk) Kennedy felt comfortable retiring

I mean, I'm not surprised in the slightest and when you compare it to other conspiracy theories, it's less a conspiracy theory and more just flat out facts that this definitely is something that happened because, again, fuck everything.

LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

LAW & ORDER - JR EDITION

Honestly, I don't even want to write this piece because it just makes me so fucking sad, mad, depressed and well, any other misery you can think of. But here's the start of an AP article I was reading this weekend. Let's see at which point life become meaningless and just a mess for you in processing the words written

PHOENIX (AP) — The 1-year-old boy in a green button-up shirt drank milk from a bottle, played with a small purple ball that lit up when it hit the ground and occasionally asked for “agua.”

Then it was the child’s turn for his court appearance before a Phoenix immigration judge, who could hardly contain his unease with the situation during the portion of the hearing where he asks immigrant defendants whether they understand the proceedings.
“I’m embarrassed to ask it, because I don’t know who you would explain it to, unless you think that a 1-year-old could learn immigration law,” Judge John W. Richardson told the lawyer representing the 1-year-old boy.

This is America. This is us now. What the fuck is wrong with us, man. Is the fear that this baby will come take your jobs, eat your welfare programs and suck the blood out of your cattle that strong that you are okay with this nonsense?

What the hell have we become? Why. What in the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuckskdjasldkasjfkadshfaslsald

There is literally no words in my mind for the bullshit this all just results in. So unneeded. So spiteful. So.. fucking sad. The whole of the country will have a black eye because of the actions of the administration for the next many decades. Especially with the new pick any minute now.  But come on, are we really a nation that requires a diaper wearing child to stand in front of a judge and defend themselves when it was not even their choice to cross those imaginary lines?

As a judge, how do you just not stand up and walk out on your job when that is presented in front of you? I don't think there is enough liquor at home to wash down that dirty feeling after a shift, and I have sat through many court rooms where they had to deal with some serious bullshit. I know justice can be blind, but this is just taking it levels above that to a whole new world.

But hey, at least those kids will somehow be reunited with their fol..... oh fuck me.   Apparently with a Tuesday deadline to reunite 100 migrant toddlers with their parents, the Feds have reunited a whole 2. They say that the wheels of justice are a rather slow grind, after all. But fuck. This is why sweeping reform and change to how we handle immigrants is needed before you just start blowing it all up.

I wish this was the worst thing I was going to be reading today, but we have Trump's supreme court nomination to deal with tonight as well. So fuck everything.

Harlan Ellison

Harlan Ellison 

Much like power respects power, crankiness respects crankiness. In this case, while I still haven't come to full terms with the suicide of Anthony Bourdain, don't you worry, the heartfelt post about him is to come. I did want to just quickly talk about another loss in this world of greatness..   Harlan Ellison.

I have to tell you the truth here, I thought he was already dead. It hadn't even occurred to me that he was still alive and being the cranky old self he is. I just had assumed that he was, like, in his 80's when I first discovered his work in my early youth.

There was a shit ton of amazing stories I have heard about him and his pettiness. For example this gem that when a publisher broke a contract by allowing a cigarette ad in one of Ellison's books, Harlan mailed him dozens of bricks and a ripe dead gopher. The point of the bricks was that they were mailed postage due and he used the most expensive shipping. In fact, he was so petty that he recalled exactly how many bricks he sent.  213 to be exact. 

So now the world is a little worse, and a lot less angry. May you be giving L. Ron Hubbard shit in the great beyond. Because I know that's the first thing he would be doing. What a fucking cranky asshole. But you know what, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream fucked me up as a youth and I will constantly reflect on it through out my life if at all possible when I'm an old and dementia ridden cranky asshole like him. Though I fully well know I can't even hold a candle compared to Harlan.

My favorite is how hee basically pissed of James Cameron to no end.



I love that all the subseuqent releases had to legally be required to contain the single additional credit  "Acknowledgement to the works of Harlan Ellison". What an amazingly tiny victory. It's really the goal of any one who has any pettiness in them. I guess I just like the fact that he stuck it to James Cameron. And I speak as someone who is both an Aliens and Terminator fan.

He also was pissed at Disney, because of course he was going to be.

I had been fired after working for the Disney empire for a total of four hours, including lunch.
The lessons here cannot be avoided.
Big business is humorless.
And . . .
At Disney, nobody fucks with The Mouse.

I mean, if you ever enjoyed A Boy and His Dog, or all the stuff that was inspired by that such as Mad Max, Fallout, or anime like Fist of the Northstar, then you need to pay the man some respect. Even if he probably chewed you out for somehow wronging him. 
 
He was such a cranky son of a bitch. I mean, he probably was a real pain in the ass in real life, but all of the stories I read of him are just amazing. I got to honor the guy in some small way. He just took everything so fucking seriously that it's comical. Like the time he first got online and found his stories on some websites, so he decided to sue AOL because they were obviously responsible for everything on the internet.

In the end, the guy wrote amazing literature that inspired and fascinated people for generations. It's really sad that he's just remembered as a Star Trek writer, because he was so much more. He lived till the ripe age of 84 and then kicked it in his sleep. God damn, that sounds like one hell of an amazing life.

If only we all could be so lucky.         

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WARS

KEN BURN PRESENTS: THE SECOND CIVIL WAR LETTERS

A few days ago we celebrated the birth of our nation. And regardless of what current status of shambles it is in, I think we can all say with certainty that we aren't starting another civil war just yet. I mean, someone try convincing Alex Jones about that...

Anyhow, this resulted in a twitter hashtag that, well, at the very least with all the shitty news going around, did create a bit of an escape for me in terms of my sanity. I had a good laugh or two when looking up how everyday folks were living out the Civil War. It made me almost want to have Ken Burns do a documentary all about it. Yeah, it'll be an epic 10 parter that no one "really" wants to sit down and see. But it will have a pretty wicked soundtrack done by Trent Reznor, because what else does he have to do besides tour?

While I still think that it's in poor taste to want a second civil war solely for the fact that we still haven't fully resolved and gotten over the first one, When will that south rise again, buddy? I think they are still funny and found below are some of the #CIVILWARLETTERS that got me chuckling a good amount.

We have fought them at the Battle of Martha’s Vineyard. We have fought them at farm-to-table eateries and in the teashops. As God is My Witness, we will fight them at Whole Foods.

My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the #SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.

General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.

Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead. Yours Always,

 Dear sister,
I am safe. We were attacked by a group of redcaps armed with unsolicited dick pics. But once we rejected them, they fled, shouting that we were ugly bitches who no one would want to fuck anyway. Fort Male Ego may be weaker than suspected.

 When Donny comes marching home today,
It’s yuge;It’s yuge!
The battle with libs he fought today,
It’s yuge; It’s yuge!
Oh the tweets will fly,
while he eats his fries
He’ll feed his MAGAts a feast of lies
And on Fox they’ll say that
It’s News!
It’s News!

Dear General Rodham,
we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can't get over.

My love,
My unit, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade, has raided Hobby Lobby for supplies. We came away with all the useful craft supplies & left behind the giant crosses. Mission went well as the MAGAs do not believe we exist & refused to acknowledge us. Home soon

 And finally, the one that really mattered;

Dear Queen Elizabeth-
we may have made a mistake a few hundred years ago, just wondering if you might consider taking us back. Could we at least borrow William and Harry and their spouses? We don’t seem to have a first family

Ultimately, this next one is the one you should be really keep in mind. 

We've just heard from the front lines that we need to regroup and report to the nearest voting precinct on Tuesday, Nov. 6th where we will launch our second assault. Spread the word, we need all votes on deck. Victory is in our hands!

Come November, you can help stop the bleeding that America is currently going through. So, yeah. Vote.