A few days ago we celebrated the birth of our nation. And regardless of what current status of shambles it is in, I think we can all say with certainty that we aren't starting another civil war just yet. I mean, someone try convincing Alex Jones about that...
Anyhow, this resulted in a twitter hashtag that, well, at the very least with all the shitty news going around, did create a bit of an escape for me in terms of my sanity. I had a good laugh or two when looking up how everyday folks were living out the Civil War. It made me almost want to have Ken Burns do a documentary all about it. Yeah, it'll be an epic 10 parter that no one "really" wants to sit down and see. But it will have a pretty wicked soundtrack done by Trent Reznor, because what else does he have to do besides tour?
While I still think that it's in poor taste to want a second civil war solely for the fact that we still haven't fully resolved and gotten over the first one, When will that south rise again, buddy? I think they are still funny and found below are some of the #CIVILWARLETTERS that got me chuckling a good amount.
We have fought them at the Battle of Martha’s Vineyard. We have fought them at farm-to-table eateries and in the teashops. As God is My Witness, we will fight them at Whole Foods.
My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the#SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.
General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.
Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead. Yours Always,
Dear sister,
I am safe. We were attacked by a group of redcaps armed with unsolicited dick pics. But once we rejected them, they fled, shouting that we were ugly bitches who no one would want to fuck anyway. Fort Male Ego may be weaker than suspected.
When Donny comes marching home today,
It’s yuge;It’s yuge!
The battle with libs he fought today,
It’s yuge; It’s yuge!
Oh the tweets will fly,
while he eats his fries
He’ll feed his MAGAts a feast of lies
And on Fox they’ll say that
It’s News!
It’s News!
Dear General Rodham,
we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can't get over.
And finally, the one that really mattered;
My love,
My unit, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade, has raided Hobby Lobby for supplies. We came away with all the useful craft supplies & left behind the giant crosses. Mission went well as the MAGAs do not believe we exist & refused to acknowledge us. Home soon
Dear Queen Elizabeth-
we may have made a mistake a few hundred years ago, just wondering if you might consider taking us back. Could we at least borrow William and Harry and their spouses? We don’t seem to have a first family
Ultimately, this next one is the one you should be really keep in mind.
We've just heard from the front lines that we need to regroup and report to the nearest voting precinct on Tuesday, Nov. 6th where we will launch our second assault. Spread the word, we need all votes on deck. Victory is in our hands!Come November, you can help stop the bleeding that America is currently going through. So, yeah. Vote.
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