Turning Tricks

Turning Tricks

I consider myself a fan of magic. I like Penn & Teller. I once went to their Vegas show and would like to go again sometime. Not to mention I also dabble in the fine arts as well. See, I can go into the Rio buffet and make a whole mess of food disappear. You don't want to know the secret to that re-appereance a couple of hours later. Just trust me on that one.

So when I see people like David Blaine try to pass themselves off as magicians it bugs me a little. Oh, you don't know who David Blaine is? Don't worry, I don't blame you. His flash in the pan "tricks" are no more than adventures in endurance. Let's take a trip down memory lane to see what he has done so you can better remember his 15 minutes of fame...

The moron once buried himself alive.


Froze himself into a block of ice.


Acted like a hobo once and stood on a 90 foot platform for 36 hours..


Sat in a suspended air-box for 44 days without food feeding
off the hate of the British.


Suspended himself in water for 7 days and then tried (and failed) to hold his breath for 18 minutes.


Spun around for 2 days and then tried to get out of shackles.


His next brilliant stunt? To hang upside down for some ridiculous amount of time, a feat that a leading physician is fairly confident will lead to blindness, among other problems that stem from increased intra-cranial pressure.

Good luck finding my card when you're blind, Blaine!

Is it me or are these not magic tricks so much as they are stupid endurance test. And really, prepared enough, you can do just about anything to push your body.

I do love it that when he was high above in that box without food, the British folks witnessing it. Their response to this stupid stunt in the box was basically "Fuck You".

In the first few days people started cooking bacon under the box on camping stoves. Eventually, the police put up a fence around the bottom of the box, so someone attached a big mac to an R/C helicopter and did some flybys. Not only this, but he was kept awake at night by people driving golf balls off tower bridge into the box.


Slight of hand? Ugh, don't let those freaky
looking things touch me

Not to mention he comes off as a big tool. There's something about the magicians I like. They know how to play the angle better. They're people persons. They aren't some dick head like Blaine that you feel you can't relate to or you can't socialize with. Blaine's just a tool. You have to know how to work the crowd and sell the performance. Not just sit in a fucking box with healthy water pumping into it keeping you alive. That's not anywhere near entertaining. I'd go so far to say that it's god damn boring to just sit and look at some moron try to break a record.

I would recommend other endurance records for Blaine to break. What is the world's record for having a chainsaw placed inside your torso? Wait, that wouldn't work. Blaine's thing is to live inside things.

So how long can he live inside a wood chipper?

I'm just glad that it was David Copperfield that made the pact with the devil and not David Blaine. Or we'll all be annoyed by his "HEY LOOK AT ME!" attention whoring.