Black Friday has come and gone. Guess what, you're fucked. You're still stuck without a gift for those ingrates. You only have 23 days to be a consumer whore and shop shop shop! But what exactly will you be buying them? Who knows. Who cares? Well, they will, of course. And if you aren't lazy enough to slap together a gift card and toss it to them and actually put some effort into the gift, then I can help you with this 2008 gift giving guide to the galaxy. Well at least when it comes to video games and other shiny electronic items.
Fable 2 - A boy and his dog, and his top hat, and his trail of bastard children in broken homes, and his fledgling wood chopping career, and the never ending quest to stand in front of strangers and thrust your pelvis in hope of getting their love. Perhaps it's not the best gift for those young impressionable types that will just choose the path of evil and end up pouring ale endlessly at some bar for a ton of gold.
Left 4 Dead - What's there left to say about this? Other than I haven't played it since the demo I can blind recommend this on the amount I have played. Let me tell you, I don't play many games... not after the accident... So when I'm excited about a game, it's special. The game has realistic A.I. which uses Black Friday physics. The 4-player online co-op means you'll hear less insults and more curious inquiries on why you just shot your buddy in the back. Highly recommended for any fans of zombies.
Red Alert 3
If Joseph McCarthy was still alive to see a communist Gina Carano in leather hotpants and a skimpy top, he would prefer Company Of Heroes for its attention to detail and superior depth of combat. Me on the other hand.. Holy shit. That's CRUSH! drool! So yeah.. what was I saying? Yeah, I guess I'd let her totally break me. I mean.. have you've seen her? Who wouldn't want to unwrap tha.....
So yeah. I guess buy this.. and um.. yeah, sure...
Moving on now!
Fallout 3 - Lives up to all the expectations, especially the expectation that Bethesda still hasn't learned how to make convincing human faces. If you're in Bakersfield, the appeal of this game may not run so deep since you are pretty much living through it daily.
Mirror's Edge - "The gunplay in this game about running is terrible" is 2008's "the weapon selection in this game about portals is too limited". What can be said about this. You run. Simply run. Off buildings. Into glass windows. Get this game for all those fans of running away from you... without actually running anywhere.
PDP Rock Band Stage Kit – Wait.. what the fuck is this shit? You have got to be kidding me. So you want to be a rock star but you don't want to put any effort in actually touring. Do you really thin that smoke and lighting effects will help your skills on Smells like teen spirit? Groupies will not flock to your small apartment in WeHo and want to screw you if you have this. Seriously. You get this for someone you're pretty much telling them that they need a life.
World Of Warcraft : Wrath of the Lich King - If you have someone who is addicted to WOW and doesn't have this already, why bother? Just get them a case of Hot Pockets and just hope they don't have to use your bathroom.
Boom Blox – Frankly, you couldn't pay me to play this game all day. I mean, perhaps you could. But it would have to be a good amount. Sure it's a Steven Spielberg venture into the world of gaming world as I'm sure he felt it needed some Jaws or Jews. Either way, it's fun and you throw things around. A good game for the kids and the special effects look better in this than the latest Indiana Jones film.
Wii Points Card - Buy old games for five bucks online instead of wasting time looking through old thrift store or game stop bins. It's as bad as a gift card. But if you have someone on you list that likes games, it's worth it.
Super Smashbros Brawl - This game is all about button mashing. I seriously don't get it. Give me a game like Street Fighter where there's form and function. Where it's a matter of combos that aren't simply button mashing. That or I'm just really bitter that people can kick my ass any time in this game while I'm king of the mountain when it comes to most fighting games. Great gift. Just not for me, thank you kindly.
MarioKart Wii - I'm sure if they haven't gotten this game already, they really don't want it. While I love the game, don't waste your time finding it for someone.
Sony Blu-Ray Remote – Cause you're too damn lazy to walk the five feet to the tv to push buttons.
Nyko Media Hub – Besides being a tool to play Metal Gear and Dead Space, what else is a PS3 good for? I suppose a USB hub.
DEAD SPACE - So scary, you'll think twice before going into outer space by yourself again. Be aware that the person asking for this isn't going to piss themselves upon playing it.
Little Big Planet - I really don't know anything about this game. The ads tell me nothing and I'm too busy killing zombies (not in a game, mind you) to bother checking in on this cute looking party game. I assume it's a fun party game. If it's not, then just buy some booze and make it a fun night.
Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe - If you like to argue about who would win in a fight between The Flash and Raiden, now you can argue about it while playing a so-so fighter and waiting for Street Fighter IV. Really, I'm a nerd and I have no desire to see Sub-Zero get beaten by Batman. We all know he'd get something from his belt and that'll be it.
Naruto: Who gives a shit - I seriously don't know. I guess if that Final Fantasy game is too mature for person you're shopping for, you can always go with this? Just assume it'll be tossed away for the latest fad in a matter of months... weeks.. or who knows.
For those of you with Hand held systems who aren't confined to the master of a wire and a flat screen tv, here's some things to play while on the train or just avoiding social interaction in public.
Professor Layton and the Curious Village – I give Penny Arcade shit all the time but even a broken clock is right twice a day when they summed up this game in their comic strip. Get this for anyone who wants to be driven crazy by point and click mazes and questions.
Littlest Pet Shop - Great for your niece or gay nephew. Take your pick.
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia – What is a Castlevania game on the DS? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at it! There's something magical about a Castlevania game on the DS. A great gift for any gothic relatives or those who like to endlessly walk through a castle and kill skeletons.
StarOcean: Final Departure - Does anyone still have a PSP? I mean, seriously. Stop it. The UMDs sucked. If you have someone on your list who still relies on PSP games to stay entertained.. buy them a fucking DS already.
Final Fantasy IV: Crisis Core - Beating a dead horse of the Final Fantasy franchise like squeezing blood from a stone. Only you'll still get droves of anime and those who's first exposure to an RPG was this game. I suppose if you see a bunch of anime scrolls in the giftee's place, this will be a good thing to get them. Otherwise, assume that anyone else has long since moved on past the point of caring about Cloud and stopped crying about some dead flower girl.
There you have it. Use this guide to give your children and your boyfriend some gift that they'll use to dodge spending time with you. Nothing like passing time pressing buttons to a TV screen. More guides to come before Christmas so you don't have to fall back to awful gift cards.
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