THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GET SPIDER POWERS, PETER PARKER

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GET SPIDER POWERS, PETER PARKER  

So in Australia a dude got bitten on his dick twice now. 

A 21-year-old Australian tradesman has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time.

The man was using a portable toilet on a Sydney building site on Tuesday, when he suffered a repeat of the incident five months ago.
Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname, said he was bitten on "pretty much the same spot" by the spider.
"I'm the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment," he told the BBC.
"I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time.
"I was like 'I can't believe it's happened again.' I looked down and I've seen a few little legs come from around the rim"

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He said that being bitten the first time had made him wary of using portable toilets."After the first time it happened I didn't really want to use one again," he said.
"Toilets got cleaned that day and I thought it was my opportunity to go use one. Had a look under both seats and then I sat down did my business. Next thing you know, I'm bent over in pain."

There is just so much to unpack in this news piece - First off, you're in Australia, everything wants to kill you. Going into an outdoor toilet, and I mean, I'm going to let my ignorance and jaded Hollywood view of Australia come out here, isn't every bathroom outdoors in "the outback"? Regardless, just assume when you go outside in Australia, things will want to kill you.

Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname, which, let's be honest here, wouldn't have mattered anyway because forever more you will be called 'Jordan, you know, that guy who likes to fuck spiders', yeah, I said it - Spider fucker and it's only justice that his dick got bit here. He had it coming. Stop trying to have unwanted sex with those 8 legged creatures.

So how do we even get to bite number 2? If I were to suffer an accidental bite from a spider, I know where I wouldn't be going back to do my business. But no, you see "He said that being bitten the first time had made him wary of using portable toilets, but since this one got cleaned that day, he thought it was my opportunity to go use one"

First off, no one thinks like that. Just admit it you Spider-fucker, you have a strange goddamn fetish. It would be a bit more normal if your fantasy was to just use clean fucking portable toilets, but it's not. People who just want to deflower an outside shitter don't end up getting bit in their penis two damn times. They have their own set of issues and I'm already writing a lot about a penis spider bite, so let me just finish (is probable a thing he said right before the spider bit him)

One of his colleagues took him from the worksite to the hospital, but there was something different in the whole situation a second time. "This time they were making jokes before I was getting in the car." What did you honestly expect? Even if they don't want to accept the dark reality that you have a fetish for spiders, they're not going to let the chance go to mock you about it go by as you get off the rest of the work day. Maybe you'd wise up from your forcing yourself on spiders ways and not end up leaving work a third time in the near future. Doubtful, because we all know what's going to happen in another two weeks, you're going to try to fuck yet another spider, Jordan. You can lie to us all you want, who you can't lie to is yourself.

The hospital declined to discuss the matter based on patient privacy, but we all know the real reason they didn't want to talk about it, I bet that fucker was trying to lure more spiders in the hospital into his kinky web of desire.

Or maybe there's something far more innocent here that I'm overlooking. It's not that the worksite crew is laughing at your plight of being dick bitten twice, it's the fact that you are getting off the time to go to the hospital. Look, Marcus pouring concrete over there has been biting 4 times by that asshole spider in the toilet, you don't see him fucking running to the doctor. How about you just take it like a champ and realize that bathroom's cost is you're going to get bitten. We could try to kill that spider, but he's part of the fucking Union to and has the same rights as you and me.

Then again, it's more than likely you're just a spider fucker, Jordan.