Dead Aliens Must Die!

Dead Aliens Must Die!

This passes as news these days. Apparently some brats saw some scary mother fuckin' shit coming at them, and instead of waiting and seeing what it was, they fucked it's shit up with a bunch of rocks...



And hey, the printed press covers this as well. No wonder I decided to not be a journalist.

A mysterious photograph has become the subject of wild internet speculation after a group of teenagers claimed it was a terrifying creature that they beat to death while playing near a cave in Panama.

The rubbery beast was said to have been spotted by a group of teenagers crawling out of a cave as they played in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City on Saturday.

To their horror, they claimed it came towards them. Fearing for their safety, they beat it to death with sticks, throwing its body in a pool of water, they told Panama's Telemetro television station.

And this is why we wont have anymore nice aliens come visit us. Thanks Panama. Why must they kill that poor innocent alien? Doesn't everyone enjoy a good 'ol fashioned anal probing every now and then? What is it with the kids of today? Looking at the picture it looks so squishy and lovable. Poor alien was just trying to make friends.



I have to wonder if they took the one ring from it after tossing it in the river. I suppose it would be silly of me not to mention an Eraserhead nod here as it clearly looks like the baby from Eraserhead.

I have to say that the news anchor had to be the worse news anchor I have ever seen, and I worked in some pretty shitty areas that had piss poor local news. She's like a presenter off a university TV Channel. It's presented so badly. REAL NEWS AS IT HAPPENS, CNN! I suppose I can't blame her too much. You try telling the world that some kids killed an alien with rocks and keep a straight face and professional demeanor through it.



If their story is that they'd killed it by throwing rocks at it, they should have also faked some injury markings as well. More than likely just punched a sloth in the face and shaved it, but the internet is going to love this as some cryptozoology bullshit for some time. I love wacky cryptozoological stories like this as it brings out the crazies and also makes the most professional scientist sound like complete whack jobs.

It's estimated that over 50% of the world's living things have yet to be identified. Kinda makes me sad that every single one larger than a small insect will probably be killed out of fear. And that people will automatically scream "ALIENS" and assume it's from another planet. This sounds like it's just some condensed swamp gas collected in a weather balloon that happens to look like a sloth.



All I can really see in this story is 4 possibilities:

-Teens killed a sloth, came back and it looked like this
-Teens killed a bald sloth, came back and took pictures
-Teens found a bald sloth (or threw a dead, hairy sloth into creek, and it went bald), came back and took pictures
-Teens killed a creature that was in fact from another planet and came here to destroy us all. Only it didn't count on our plucky teenagers or our abundance of rocks.

It really fills you with hope for the future that the default response in every story like this is always to first beat the mystery creature to death and then dispose of the body. I feel like some higher power is going to come down and give these children a sort of pep talk.

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Panamanian children? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.

I bet you're thinking that sloths aren't dangerous at all. These kids must be monsters for killing or fucking around with a dead sloth. I mean, it has to be a sloth. Well, you should watch your mouth. You may think that Sloths aren't anything. Who the fuck is scared of a sloth? They're slow as hell, what can they do?

You'd be speaking like someone who has never pissed off a full-grown Panamanian sloth. That fucker ripped the canvas top off our humvee from front to back, left god damned dents and scratches in the paint. All because jackass, the squad leader decided to "kick it out of the way" when it was crossing the path too slowly for his liking. I didn't know they could growl. We spent the next few nights scared for our lives as it hunted us slowly, following our trail, waiting for us to go to sleep. What those kids did was nothing short of a David and Goliath story.


It was torn apart by buzzards a day later, that's what the remains ended up looking like. For the kids, not for my fictitious sloth story. That never happened. Though I'm sure if it did, or if I was ever in the case of a slow moving alien sloth was coming after me, I'd punch it in the face and scream "WELCOME TO EARF!" But in reality, Sloths are pretty awesome.



I wish I could be even 1/10th as cool as one of those chill sloths. Look at him, completely a ladies man. I suppose the saying slow and steady get all the poontang, right? This act of aggression will not stand.. Though, they're sloths, so it's not like they're going to do anything about it. They're slow as all fuuuuuuck. But still, we shouldn't encourage kids to throw rocks at every single thing as the solution. It clearly isn't the solution to anything. For one dead sloth we should all go out and hug a sloth today. It's the only correct thing to do. Have you've hugged a sloth today?

Let's Hug It Out

Let's Hug It Out

I'm not much of a fan of hugs. I mean, I'll give them and receive them. But to me it's always a little awkward. I never know which way to go in for the hug nor do I ever really know what to do with my hands when they're wrapped around the person. Do I pat them on the back? Do I place them down? God damn, too much pressure! Well, perhaps the school system works to protect my interest.. You see, the Hug lyfe style may be up for grabs

NEW YORK
May 30 (UPI) -- Hugging among U.S. teenagers has become so prevalent some schools say they've banned the embrace or imposed limits on how long they last.

"Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory," said Noreen Hajinlian, principal of George G. White School, a junior high school in Hillsdale, N.J., which banned hugging. "It wasn't a greeting. It was happening all day."

Hajinlian's school is among those from New Jersey to Bend, Ore., that have clamped down on hugging, The New York Times reported Saturday.

Ritual hugging has become so popular that students feel pressured to partake, said Gabrielle Brown, a freshman at Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School in New York.

"If somebody were to not hug someone, to never hug anybody, people might be just a little wary of them and think they are weird or peculiar," Brown said.

The phenomenon reflects how physical boundaries have changed, said Amy Best, a sociologist at George Mason University.

"We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people's bodies," Best said.

Well, I'm glad this was nipped in the bud early. Can't let those kids thinking that touching is a-ok. What next, do they think they can be seen dancing together? What limits will these kids stop at? Is this just a case of a principal projecting her social phobias on the school populace or did this school actually build up some sort of strange system where people were literally hugging all of the time? Maybe the kids were dry humping and saying "It's just a hug"? I don't know. Can anybody from the area shine some light on this?

It is also possible that this story was thought up by someone just to try to hassle the principal by having tons of outraged internet people call her office demanding to know why she hates hugs. Because that's the only logical conclusion I can come up with to this. That we're actively trying to completely stunt this generation's social growth in any way possible. I know, I know. Every generation thinks the next one is the worst, but we didn't ban hugging in my school. Between this "no touching ever" shit, banning games, and zero tolerance, this generations kids are going to be quite a sight in the near future



I suppose they are trying to protect the children, right? I know a couple of hugsluts. They're all full of HTD's. We should warn kids of those because once you hug someone, you have to be aware of what you can get from them. Some HTD's can't be cured and will be with you forever.

It's odd because I've always seen teenagers hugging as a greeting/parting thing. What sort of person is afraid to hug a friend? I can understand how it could be annoying after a while if it's something you do every time you see someone or say goodbye. But if you're approached to get a hug, you might as well bite the bullet and run with it. Whenever one person starts going in for the hug another and they're not reciprocating, it's always the first that looks awkward. So don't be a dick, just let the hug go on. You're not going to get aids from it or anything.




I figured this was one of those backward-ass midwest things, unit I read the second paragraph. Come on NJ, we're better than that. You old fogies are all just jealous seeing all the young ones getting action without any help from little blue pills. I mean, sometimes hugging does cause a stiff salute, especially among sexually awkward, inexperienced teens. What next, will you old folks ban fist-pumping?

Making hugging a taboo only makes hungging more popular. Soon, kids are going to be having unsuprervised late night hugging parties. I think parents should educate their children on hugs so that they can do it resonsibly. Just like how they created DARE for drugs.



In my home, I learned about hugging early on. Of course none of us were hugging each other, but I grew up seeing how my sisters hugged their boyfriends, how mom and dad hugged each other and I guess it sort of took the mystique out of it. Not to say I didn't hug a couple of people that I regretted or hugged a couple of folks I didn't care about, but I think it's a healthier way to raise kids in the long run.


Where are the parents in all this? They're the ones that need to be teaching their children about responsible hugging. We can't leave it up to the schools as they opt to teach just not hugging at all! Kids will be kids. They're going to hug it out. If they're not taught how to safely hug one another, then we'll have a rise in unwanted friendships.



I went to a catholic school. So I'm surprised they didn't follow this and ban all forms of PDA at our school when I was younger. I guess it wouldn't have mattered much to me anyway as I had no ladyfriend to hug. They didn't even do much about hand holding. At some point even high-5's were also suspect. But I think it got under the radar due to the brevity of it.

You have to wonder what parents will try to ban next? I mean, maybe the high five is the next thing on the list. I would be pretty strange to see a ban on high fives

Deer Park Primary lollipop man slapped with high-five ban

A COUNCIL has defended its decision to ban a Deer Park North school crossing supervisor from high-fiving students and parents.

Lollipop man Charlie Cremona has welcomed the children of Deer Park North Primary School in Melbourne’s west for the past 18 years.

After standing in the sun, rain and wind twice daily for all those years, he was stunned when told recently he must stop “high-fiving” students and parents on his Hovell St crossing.

But Brimbank city development general manager Peter Collina said the ban was in response to a parent’s complaint about “a number of concerns, including that of physical contact with the children”.

...Well then. I guess they got that number for the high-5's. No more up highs or down lows. But you know what, I have to laugh at this. Pfft! These people think too small. Banning hugging and high fives won't do half the psychological damage of Forbidding eye contact and speaking! Oh wait, this Pinsacola Christian College beat me to it

PCC also has strict policies regarding mixed-gender interaction. Physical contact between members of the opposite sex is not permitted under any circumstance. Written permission of the dean’s office must be procured for all off-campus meetings between members of the opposite sex. In addition, all mixed-gender meetings (on and off-campus), must have a PCC chaperone present.[8] Most stairwells and elevators on campus are segregated by gender. In the absence of being able to have physical contact, a fad has developed among dating students on campus where couples stare deeply into each other’s eyes. This practice by students is variously called "eye kissing", or "optical intercourse" and is jokingly called "making eye babies".[8] This activity however is discouraged by the administration.

Now God is just fucking with me. I give up. I can't think of anything that some religious nuts haven't already come up with to ban because they want to think of the children. Or more true they want to stop others from experiencing life. The most annoying aspect of all this is that it's the baby boomers that are preventing this shit. What a lot of double standard assholes. Weren't you the fuckers who got high off anything and listened to music in your hippie state? Now you want to stop all forms of connection between people? Talk about the huge balls on these fuckers.

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: VII

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: VII

You know the drill. Pictures with words with them because even though a picture can say a thousand words, I like typing them for some reason. Add in that I have been blogging daily now for a while and you can assume this is just some fill in blog that, while entertaining and insightful to the mind I carry in my head, is just filler for those bigger post. So I present you with this picture and the tons of words to follow it.



A picture released Friday from New South Wales, Australia, police shows an X-ray of Chen Liu’s skull. Children playing in marshland found the 27-year-old immigrant’s body last November. He was shot 34 times in the head and neck with a high-powered nail gun.

Humanity is fucking doomed. Nail guns represent the worse of America. The longing to rebuild shit and do it yourself and the need to shoot things. Don't get me wrong, I like doing stuff myself. I've been working on my place for a long time now. What did I learn? That not only will it not go faster if I shot things at the wall, but doing it yourself takes fuckin' forever!

Don't get me started on the children. Who the fuck sees a dead body and thinks to themselves that they should shoot shit into the skull and see if anything happens? When I was little I hit a tree when I was bored and feeling like I needed to take out my anger on something. Years later I saw the markings on that tree (what can I say, my sisters pissed me off) and I felt bad. Not cause I'm some tree hugger. Mainly because I felt like shit, if that tree felt that, I feel like shit.

That was a tree. Not a dead person. Hell, there I go even giving these kids the benefit of the doubt that they FOUND the body and not created it. When I watched that scene in The Wire that had Snoop shopping for a nailgun, that picture is how I figured we'd find the bodies in the vacants. I was later proved wrong, but that doesn't change the fact that I could think that shooting a nail into someone's head would be a fucked up way to go.

So there you go. The kids aren't alright. Someone is giving them nail guns and we have to find out who and stop them. Kids shouldn't have nail guns. Nuff said.

Makin' Babies

Makin' Babies

With Valentines day weekend gone and over with, Perhaps you should be expecting the check in the mail come 9 months down the line since you just had to go and "do it." didn't you? Way to screw the pooch there... HA! again with another zinger!

Let's talk about getting knocked up for a bit. It seems everyone is doing it... then everyone is having the baby. (Ha, see what I did there?) But what's the backlash to it all? Are folks ready for that baby kick?

I know these two Youngin's with a brand new bundle of joy aren't:

BOY dad Alfie Patten yesterday admitted he does not know how much nappies cost — but said: “I think it’s a lot.”

Baby-faced Alfie, who is 13 but looks more like eight, became a father four days ago when his girlfriend Chantelle Steadman gave birth to 7lb 3oz Maisie Roxanne.

He told how he and Chantelle, 15, decided against an abortion after discovering she was pregnant.

Yes. That's a 13 year old boy and his 15 year old girlfriend and THEIR BABY. That boy was 12 when they had sex.... and they are British....

My only comfort is that at least we don't claim them as citizens. Every time I see that picture it makes me a bit nauseated than that octomom's swollen stomach. Then again, I know I'm not the only one who thought she mothered both at first. And the fact that I think that means we, as a society, have really fallen far.

Look at that boy's soul-less eyes. He already knows his life is over before it even started. Late night nappy changes, gonna have to get a job as soon as he can get hired. More than likely going to be a grandfather by age 26. Ah yes, the wonders of abstinence only sex ed.

“We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”

Great thinking there, kiddos.


This is typically the cause of baby making. Sharing underwear.

And how could this story get any better? Well... Worse? Ask and you shall receive! Two more boys toss their coins into the ring in thinking they're the father!

Alfie, 13 made headlines around the world last week when The Sun reported that he was the father of 15-year-old Chantelle Steadman’s baby girl Maisie.

But since then, two other boys have publicly claimed to be the father of the child.

Richard Goodsell, 16, a trainee chef, told the news of the world he had sex with Chantelle at her home at least three times at the time she fell pregnant.

“I knowI could be the father,” he said. “Everyone thinks I am. My friends all tell me that baby has my eyes— even my mum thinks so.

“Only a DNA test is going to sort this out properly. If I am the father, I have the right to know.”

Tyler Barker, 14, also fears he may have fathered little Maisie.

“I slept with Chantelle in her bed about nine months ago and I’m really worried I could be the father,” he told the News of the World.

“I hope it’s not me. All my mates have been teasing me about it but this isn’t funny, it’s serious.”

That's right. This is one fucked up situation. Might be able to fuck up 5 or 6 kids' heads instead of just the two now, sweet. I'm just waiting for it to come out that alfie thinks kissing is sex and he never even got past 1st base.

I'm still confused as to why people still use "it has my eyes" as an argument that a baby is theirs. I guess it's cause courts allowed the use of this kind of evidence to help prove paternity into the 1990s. But still, babies look pretty damn generic. Get a blood test before you start claiming anyone.

The youngest documented mother gave birth when she was 5 years old. She never told who the father was, or how she became pregnant. She's still alive and living in Lima, Peru. This is her story.



This image has freaked me out since the first time I saw it since the doctor is wearing hypnosis goggles. On that note, Precocious Puberty sounds like an adorable condition.

Then there's always the chick who had EIGHT babies, Nadya Suleman. But if I get on that topic I'll just be literally ripping my hair out in thinking that our tax dollars go towards paying for some women who is unemployed and continues to have child after child even though she can't afford them nor can even begin to give them the proper attention..

It just floors me that the Octuplets mom is more than likely going to get more implanted eggs because, hey, why not. She's sooooo crazy. Then again, she didn't get knocked up the traditional way, so I'll just save my rantings on that crazy bitch for another blog.

At least Bristol Palin has the right idea when it comes to teen pregnancy according to this interview:

Teen pregnancy? Not really a good idea.

Stopping teen sex? Ain't gonna happen.

So says Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's 18-year-old daughter, Bristol, who told Fox News' Greta Van Susteren Monday night that the abstinence her mom preaches is "not realistic at all."

Bristol Palin's pregnancy, revealed shortly after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) chose Sarah Palin to be his running mate, shook up the last presidential campaign.

Bristol Palin, who gave birth in late December, described the rigors of being a teen mom, and while she wouldn't go into detail why it isn't realistic for guys and gals her age not to have sex, she did say it isn't smart to get knocked up.

"Everyone should wait 10 years," Palin said. "I hope people learn from my story.

"It's so much easier if you're married, have a house and career. It's not a situation you want to strive for."

She denied that her mother's anti-abortion views were the reason she went ahead with the pregnancy.

"It was my choice to have the baby," she said. "It doesn't matter what my mom's views are on it. It was my decision."

But telling her mom that she and her hockey hunk boyfriend, Levi Johnston, were to be parents was tough, she admitted.

"Harder than labor," she said.

I'm not going to give her too much credit yet. You don't have to get knocked up to realize it's not a smart idea to have a child when you're not ready for it. But at least it's nice to know that something that came out of Sarah Palin isn't a complete retard. To be fair, being smarter than Sarah Palin is not very difficult.

They seriously need to stop with this abstinence only bullshit though. Kids are having sex. It's the facts on the matter. Most of them are getting knocked up. Oddly enough, if anything, marriage seems to be the biggest inducer of abstinence.

Pardon My French

Pardon My French

Well, some dip shit Senate prick wants to ban cursing.

State Senator Robert Ford is hoping to outlaw lewd language and is pushing for a bill that would prohibit profanity.

Under the pre-filed bill, profanity could land you in jail for up to 5 years and/or cost you up to $5,000 in fines.

Which words are exactly considered profane is still unclear, but the bill does have a list of qualifications for profanity including words or actions that are lewd, vulgar or indecent in nature.

We spoke to Debra Gammons with the Charleston School of Law about freedom of speech.

She reminds that the First Amendment is not absolute. You cannot say whatever you want whenever you want to.

Courts will usually look at where the words were said and who heard them. Children are usually protected.

Dear senator Ford
Kindly direct your attention to a pile of my shit and eat the peanuts from it.
Yours truly-
Javi

All I have to say about this is FUCK THAT DUDE. Oh, I'm sorry. You can sack my dock, Mr. Senator. GOD DARN THIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!!!!! I wanna send him emails full of "fuck" x 1000 since that will pretty much never be illegal



I don't want to do 5 years for saying fuck in front of children when I bash my hand with a hammer. Given this Senators track record, I'm sure "nigger" wont be on the list of unmentionable words. Guess it's time to make up some new swear words. I think it's about time!
Then again, last session a bill got filed in MA that made spanking illegal and EVERYBODY got all up in arms about it, despite the fact that in MA any citizen can file a bill and the bill never went anywhere. So this is all a matter of puffs of smoke with nothing to back it up.



Oh hey, what did this guy say about Obama?

"It's a slim possibility for him to get the nomination, but then everybody else is doomed. Every Democrat running on that ticket next year would lose — because he's black and he's top of the ticket. We'd lose the House and the Senate and the governors and everything."

"I'm a gambling man. I love Obama," Ford said. "But I'm not going to kill myself."
-Robert Ford

The kicker is he's black as well. That's a real shot to your own community. I was kind of expecting the Charleston law professor who was asked about free speech to, uh, defend free speech. Then again, I know that the South hates swear words that aren't said in a southern accent

The south... Where you can proudly say : "My child can't be taught those mean words! Now, remember son, gays and Muslims are evil and shouldn't be treated as humans, OK?"

Happy D-Day

Happy D-Day

How did you celebrate D-day? I'm not talking about the day we took to the beaches and kicked some Nazi ass. I'm talking about the day you dumped that excess baggage and filed for a divorce. I have never had the distinct pleasure of being married and thus, never had the chance to file divorce papers to anyone ever. But if I do ever find myself in the position of getting a divorce I suppose January would be a good month to do it. Seems that everyone else is, why not I?


This report from The First Wives World shows that divorce is on a rise during this time of year and for good reason.

It has long been known that January is the month that most people divorce. With that in mind, lawyers in London actually picked a specific date for D-Day — as in, divorce day: The first Monday after children return to school. In England, that will be January 12th.

In the U.S., according to some experts, divorce filings will see a dramatic spike this week — the first full week of January.

Why wait until January vs earlier?

Logic is that no one wants to ruin a child's Christmas and if you divorce over the holidays, the holidays will then be always associated with a traumatic event.

Although some in the U.S. believe that the crumbling economy and falling housing prices will delay divorces, a lawyer in England thinks otherwise.

"Many are concerned that divorcing when house prices are plummeting means they’ll lose a great deal of money from what they view as an inevitable sale, says Shelley Hesford, a solicitor in Cheshire who spoke with the London Telegraph. So instead of waiting for prices to rise, which could take years, some couples will opt to cut their losses sooner vs. later. The estimate is that every 10 percent drop in housing prices leads to a 4 percent rise in divorce.

Tight money over the holidays may reinforce that thinking.

In addition to sticking it out over the holidays for the sake of the children, there are other factors contributing to early January being D-Day time:

• Lawyers and counselors take vacations over the holidays, courts are closed, and couples can’t file for divorce.
• Northern winters are bleak, especially after Christmas; forced togetherness indoors drives couples nuts.
• One more pair of gloves for Christmas was the final straw.
• Holiday partying led to a drunken holiday flirtation... with someone else.
• You made a New Years resolution not to have another holiday with him.
• The hangover was bad, but not as bad as facing that first breakfast of the new year with someone you no longer love.

Another candidate for record numbers of decisions to get divorced: we say January 20, after the three-day Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. By that time, children have gotten back into the rhythm of school and life; they have their friends around them, so that a family breakup is less jarring.

One positive fact: appointments for marriage counselors also go up in January, meaning that some couples decide to work on their relationship, and not give up – yet. The other top times for filing for divorce are at the end of the school year, and at the end of summer vacation.

What is important is that, if and when you decide the marriage is over, telling the childrenmust be done carefully, whether they are preschoolers, or teenagers.

While most people resolve to lose weight for the new year, it turns out that for others the weight to be lost is that of an unfulfilling marriage.

The whole peak after MLK day is a bit odd. But if you think about it for a second it's perfectly clear. Many people have a dream and that dream does not include being with that loser anymore. No such morbid item that you could get gunned down from any balcony on any given day. Might as well make the most out of the time you have on this third rock from the sun.

On the other hand of things I'm wondering if you didn't wait too long to pull the trigger. It's already 2009, you're in another tax cycle. So you're stuck with filing with them in your taxes because you didn't dump their ass before the 31st. Way to go. Guess water does seek its own level, now doesn't it, loser!



I'll let it slide this once. I get what these folks are trying to do. They're trying to start the new year off right by not breaking those resolutions. That is, to not sleep with that cheating/worthless/changed person this year. So dump them off and get the new year started off right with someone new... all at the same time as not hurting the kids feelings. Well, best of luck to you. I'm sort of tempted to get married myself so I can take part of this next year. I mean.. it sure sounds like fun!

Then there's always that classic joke which I've never really seemed to get but I always fake that chuckle whenever I do hear it "Why does divorce cost so much? Cause it's worth it." Maybe one day I'll get it... Maybe one day indeed.