Being Thankful.....

Being Thankful...

So because some boat-rats landed on the shores of America they decided to have some sort of feast after kissing the dirt below their feet. What they did next was thank the creator, lord and savior for getting them there.

In such tradition we now give thanks on this one thankful day off of work and with a table full of food. Well, that is if you can afford it. Which most everyone can, otherwise you at least have the option of taking advantage of other's guilt of having too much and you get a free meal down at the mission.

The point is, today you're suppose to give thanks. So in that tradition I need to think about what I should give thanks for..

Maybe I'm thankful that the Lord our God has helped we good people to hasten the descent of some 700 pequot Indians into the fiery pits of savage hell. But then again, I wont have the fun of getting together with family and celebrating the time our ancestors committed genocide since I'm neither white and my girlfriend's relatives came to America long after the Indians were wiped out.



Though that in itself is a reason to be thankful. I live in a country that allows me to dissent ineffectually. That and I grew up in an area with enough migrant workers working for slave wages to justify importing Mexican coke to all the local liquor markets.

I'm also thankful for pumpkin pies. Where else can you combine the ingredients of so many delicious things to make a wonderful, spiced custard-filled pastry that you can only enjoy during this season

I should give thanks that it is yet another year that I can proudly say that I have never watched one second of the god damn Thanksgiving Parade. Not once. Why? Who the fuck wakes up early on a work free, food filled day to watch hot air cartoons and pilgrims walking on the streets all in the name of capitalism.

Though BBC America is doing a Treksgiving TNG marathon. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. I guess it's a good way to set up counter programing to all the football fans.

I am most thankful to the turkey that died for the meal I'm going to eat. I can say that I don't have any guilt involved in the death and murder of a bird because I persistently hunted an elder turkey bull past its breeding years on a free range public land. Once it tired I stared deeply into its eyes and we made a connection. He nodded his head and I strangled it personally before weeping and saying a death prayer in its honor.

I see you, brother, and I thank you. Your spirit goes with God, your body stays behind to become part of the people.. the eaten way too much food people. Oh, don't mind me, I'm just jamming a fucking duck and a chicken into your anal cavity. Your spirit has already left, so it won't feel it.

I may be most thankful for all the free booze I will get. As it seems that most families buy the cheap bourbon to get that quarter cup full to put into the yams and other such novelty recipes leaving the left overs to whoever will have them.

I'm most thankful that I'm another year closer to death. Yes, that's right. I'm very thankful for the fact that eventually I will be dead.

Melon To The Face

Melon To The Face

I warned Gallagher that this day would come. That his nonstop violence towards their brothern was going to come back and haunt him, but he wouldn't listen. Now is the time for the seeds of blood to get repaid. Now is the time for the melons to rise against us.



BAW-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. They sure don't call it the amazing race for nothing.

Wait.

No.

There was nothing Amazing nor Race-like in that clip. It was just funny all around because we got to see what it would look like to get a bullet in the face without the suffering of someone dying.

I'm sure you could do a slow motion thing like that and put the JFK back and to the left audio track on that one scene alone. It's amazing how much it looks like her head just exploded. I also do love the fact that this is CBS's own clip and they're exploiting the shit out of it as a way to promote this otherwise god awful show.

Which, by the way, I have to ask how much she must hate the other person she is with. Forcing her to go on with tossing more melons even though she's probably suffering a concussion. "Well, you know, they don't call it the amazing race for nothing."

Like, can't you take one for the team and throw some melons around while I go to the first aid? I mean, seriously. This is comedy. I'm starting to see why people paid money to go watch Gallagher smash fruits and veggies with a wooden hammer. But I have to tell you, there's something missing when it's just a hammer meeting melon. Compare the video above with the video below..



Gallagher just comes across as being crazy. Where as Melon headshot lady is suffering and you're enjoying every last drop of that one. I guess it helps that it wasn't predicted to happen and it caught everyone by surprise.

The slow motion also helps. In short, this was some funny shit. Ah, good times. Now who's never going to attempt to smash fruit ever again?

In Mother Russia, Blocks Arrange You

In Mother Russia, Blocks Arrange You

Comrad, the following video is the complete history of the Soviet Union... Arranged to the melody of Tetris.



Because when you think of Russia, if you're not an alcoholic, you're thinking of Tetris. And let's face reality - Tetris is the complete history of the Soviet Union.

Yeah, I realize that there's all of four lines in the song regarding the build-up to and commission of the Great Patriotic War. But then again, the death of 40 million hard-working, independent farmers known as kulaks isn't really a suitable topic for a comedy song.



The whole Russians in line for bread because of Gorbachev is actually very accurate. I especially liked how the song ends on a more positive note. If you don't think Putin is working to revive the USSR, you're crazy. Yes, the man has a very over the top character - But just remember all the mocking of his shirtlessness when the USSR and China control the world in twenty years.

In fact, the only thing that would have made that music video any more informative is if they put in this Simpsons clip somewhere in there.



If you want to learn more about Russia.. well, there's nothing left to learn. Other than Vodka is serious business there and it's fucking cold. But if you want to know more about Tetris, then just ask, I'm ranked 16th in all SoCal, Mother fuckers!

Just remember.....

If you're reading this right now, thank a teacher

If you're reading this in English, thank the Soviet Union for beating Germany

Internet Killed The Radio Format - The New Normal

Internet Killed The Radio Format - The New Normal

Video may have killed the radio star but it should be noted that the Internet is on its way of making it a lot easier to find new music. Welcome to the scene of online streams of music, New Normal Music. So what exactly is New Normal Music? Why not let Tom explain;

Radio veteran Tom Leykis is set to launch a new creation he calls "New Normal Music." He describes New Normal Music as "an adrenaline rush of hooky, energetic music culled from the pulse of what college-age males are listening to across a broad range of kinetic genres."

That's the condensed down version of it. The real purpose of the "station" format is to do what every other radio station won't. Not pander and take the easy way out in station programing by playing the tired songs from a few years past.

"In today’s corporate-run radio, the pressure has long been on to keep new music off the air," he explains. "Research has dictated that stations tell audiences they’re playing 'new' music while serving them the comfort zone favorites they’ve already proven to love. So-called 'alternative' stations that launched WEEZER are still playing their songs to an audience that is literally wheezing now! My concept is playing music that is totally fresh -- new music by baby artists with not one song in rotation over 12 months-old."

Considering how many times songs are on a cycle on the majority of the radio stations with a lot of the same successful bands on heavy repeat, this is a bold move. It's also one that has a lot of potential to work.



With the modern day ease of streaming on to your smart phone, you're no longer restricted to listen to the music that your local area can pick up on the car antenna. Driving through the majority of California would be nothing but farmer reports, religious stations and Spanish stations. So the ability to stream this from their website is perfect.

New Normal Music first started airing last night at midnight and is currently running with 500,000 songs in a row. If you're still wondering how this is any different than anything on the radio, The following are things you're probably NOT going to hear on The New Normal:

-"This one goes out to Joey from Susie-sue, who's wishing she could be with you right now and sends you all her love"

- Ryan Seacrest spouting off American Idol news, celebrity gossip or paying your bills.

- Flash back lunches.... or flash back anythings for that matter.

- "Caller number 98.7 is going to be entered into a contest to win something . Listen all week to know when to call!"

- Rick Dees or Casey Kasem showing off their accounting skills in counting down things.

- Furious fives, Top Ten, or any other sort of "today's hottest song" countdown nightly.

- Pledge drives.

- Crazy tin foil hat wearing callers either East or West of the Rockies.

- No songs about wives leaving, pick-up trucks not working or dogs dying.

- Kenny G or any other smooooth listening bore you to tears songs.

- Winning tickets to see a 40 year old band play their latest gig at the local county fair.

- Church/Mass service or any Bible thumping

- Farming reports



- Richard Blade's fake British accent.

- Conversations about how to kill your red ant problem.

- Disc Jockeys named "Big Bopper", "Shotgun", "Wolfman", "Big Boy", "Stryker" or "Jed The Fish".

- The standard 40, 60, or 90 minutes of commercial free music -When it comes on tonight, it's a straight 50,000 songs in a row.

- It wont have Santa Monica, or any cities snooze inducing city council meetings.

- Appealing to the tea baggers by not playing a single Spanish language song



- Come Christmas time, New Normal won't be blasting holiday cliched music till you're driven to suicide by fruitcake.

- That one hour of community service local radio program that every station tries to stick on at the same time on Sunday morning

- Breakfast, lunch or dinner with the Beatles.

- A tent handing out promo shirts that will only serve as an indicator that your girlfriend doesn't want to put out when it's worn to bed.

- Dr. Demento... Oh wait, not even the radio has him anymore

- No ads for methods on how to detox your system and add years to your life .

- No traffic on the 1's, 5's, 8's, and 10's.

- Dr. Laura and her turkey neck. Ugggggggggh

- Dingo and the Baby, Kevin and Bean, Mark and Brian or any other morning zoo wacky programs to kill time on your morning commute.

- Phrases such as "More music, less talk", "One great song after another", "The station with all your favorites", "Most variety on the radio!"


There you go. With the sound quality being extremely crisp, the format being all new music and it going on for so long without breaks, I'm not sure how you could pass up just setting your media player to stream New Normal Music. The station really is worth the hype and I wish Tom Leykis and Art nothing but the best in this venture.

Radio is dead. Long live streaming feeds.

What's The Best Way To Kill Barack Obama?

What's The Best Way To Kill Barack Obama?

Now that I got the FBI's attention, let's talk about this guy and what he said to a classroom of math students.



And for those of you who don't want to click on the youtube link, it went down like this:

The teacher was appar­ently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.

"He was talking about angles and said, 'If you're in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,'" said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.

Another student said: "We were going over a test and getting reviewed for our finals and were going over tangency. A student walked in and said, 'Well, if you shoot the president...' and the teacher picked up on it and said, 'OK, if you shoot off his ear, that is a point of tangency.'"

Malia Drummond, a student in Harrison's class during the lesson, defended him as an conscientious teacher who didn't deserve to be fired. She told Birmingham News: "Yeah, the comment was probably inappropriate, but who in America hasn't make a joke about Obama?

Well now, I guess columbine paranoia has died down a bit, wasn't so long ago that a student even mentioned anything about shooting or bombs would send up alarms and they'll get expelled and questioned by the police. Here I thought the teacher was just trying to educate them on the world of angles.



Math teachers in general are pretty creepy though. I think it's all the time spent with numbers that just drives them off the deep end. As well as figuring out that we're simply insignificant numbers in the grand scheme of things. But come on. The baby who squealed on him needs to be punched into oblivion. Don't they know that snitches get stitches?

I mean, did you know that it was illegal? That suggesting or even saying you will kill the president can get you into some real deep trouble? It's something you should know cause, I mean.. it is one of those things you would think is in your freedom of speech rights but isn't. I mean, ask this guy. He'll give you the skinny.



Ha ha ha ha.. but no. Seriously all joking aside, how do we kill the president? I'm putting the FBI spotlight on you, people. How would you kill the president?

Ice pick to the bilderberg receiver in the back?

Carnivorous teleprompter?

Poisoning his breakfast with 50,000 barrels of crude oil each day

With Kindness?

I hear that he's allergic to coherent policy and keeping campaign promises, so the surest way would probably be making him do something related to those.

Most importantly, Where's the death certificate?

I'm sure someone seriously reported this blog post to the secret service and they're gonna have to investigate all threats to the president no matter how stupid and ridiculous it sounds. Even if it's full of sarcasm and black comedy. And if they're not on the case, perhaps I should expand it out to world leaders on a whole. What's the best way to kill Margaret Thatcher? I imagine jumping out and shouting "BOO" would probably do the trick.



Or I could be like those Ring Wingers who are quoting a bible verse that means "Go kill a black democrat" and expressing this view through bumper stickers. it's just perfect, if you think about it. I mean, what the bible verse is saying is may he die quickly. That surely isn't inciting violence in your prayer, right? I wonder if you can incite god to violence and does it fall under the freedom of/for religion? I guess that's how this teacher should have played it out.

I remember my youth with English teachers making joke about the death of the Pope. Ah yes, my drunk English teacher in catholic school was pretty cool.. and drunk. Perhaps this all could have been avoided if the Math teacher used Hitler as the example as no one cares if we kill him off in our words and imagination. It should be like that in all text books because kids love that sort of shit.

With this blog I am not encouraging or inciting anyone to make any physical and mental harm on our president. Nor am I making any threat to our president or any president of our rich American history. Though Lincoln kind of had it coming.

See you guys in Gitmo!

Playing Games With My Tru Blood

Playing Games With My Tru Blood

Well what do you know, today is Sunday. Which obviously means that it's True Blood night! You know, that HBO show about Vampires that is sort of like Twilight but less gay and more campy. Yup. That's right, I said it. The books sucked (not in the good way) but thankfully because of the hand of Alan Bell, the show is amazingly entertaining.

Among what makes this show great is the campiness that is involved and of course, the characters. Take Vampire Bill. Yes, he's the only Vampire in this show that actually has the word Vampire in front of it. He's that special. Why, do you ask this is? Well, it's the way he talks. He was turned during the Civil War and it seems that he hasn't changed his mannerisms to adjust to the modern era so whatever he says comes across as being uptight. He's sort of uptight with a heart full of love, even if it isn't beating.



Bill is apparently the only vampire in the universe who refuses to modernize. He's disillusioned into thinking he's "mainstreaming" by owning a Wii, a car, and drinking Tru Blood. He also recycles, so go figure. But in his speech, mannerisms and personality, he's still the same guy he was when he was turned in the 1800s. Vampire Bill is awesome and the fact that his lines sound as if they come out of a late 19th century book is even awesomer.

Not to mention that he's a good boyfriend too. He murdered a chick and had sex with Lorena on a bloody bed while the girl bled out right next to them and I whine when I get dragged to the mall. He runs to Soooookeh whenever she's in danger.. well, except for that one time when his ex was keeping him busy (haven't we've all been there?) But in a recent episode of True Blood Bill was seen taking up time with the always gorgeous Evan Rachel Wood (As New Orleans Vampire Queen) sitting around playing Yahtzee. And though in the game of Yahtzee you roll the dice and try to make a combination of numbers with a limited number of retries not saying much, it still showed Bill getting down to having fun... as much as Bill could have.



With that said, the image of Bill saying "YAHTZAY!" would have me on the floor, laughing out loud and spitting on my keyboard, as you crazy kids would put it these days. I like the idea of Bill just continually playing board games. Especially if it includes more ERW. But this concept was carried over in the something awful forums with people just inserting their various ways that Vampire Bill would bring new life to these old board games...

DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE A BEARD ON HIS PERSON?
No. I HAVE PUSHED DOWN ALL OF THE PLASTIC TABS EXCEPT ONE. I MUST VENTURE TO GUESS THAT YOUR CHARACTER IS TOM. AM I CORRECT IN THINKING THIS?

How about a game of scrabble?

"I ASSURE YOU THAT 'HOECAKES' WAS QUITE THE COMMON WORD IN THE ERA IN WHICH I WAS TURNED. BY MY RECKONING I HAVE NOW ACQUIRED 33 POINTS FROM THE TRIPLE WORD SCORE."

He just doesn't like shoots and ladders.

SUKAH I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GAME. WHY WOULD THE DESIGNAHS SIMPLY BUILD A SINGLE LADDAH TO THE TOP AND A SINGLE CHUTE DOWN? THIS SYSTEM DOES NOT CATAH TO A VAMPYRE.



Sometimes the games need to be a little more physical

"RED ROVAH, RED ROVAH, SEND SUCKEE RIGHT OVAH!!"

He did go spend some time telling his civil war stories to old people

"WITH THE ACQUISITION OF SPACE B15, I FORMALLY DECLARE BINGO."



What can I say, he doesn't have the smoothest fingers

THE TOWER APPEARS TO HAVE TOPPLED DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS.....JENGAHH.

Oh Eric, when will you learn?
I BELIEVE I HAVE CONNECTED FOUR ERIC. I CANNOT AND I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO DEFEAT ME. SOOKAY IS MINE.



Who said collectible card games were off limits?

NO ERIC, YOU MAY NOT ATTACK ME, YOUR CREATURES HAVE THE SUMMONING SICKNESS

He's been around during a couple of wars.. RISK should be a piece of cake to him

"IN MAH ATTEMPT TO CONQUER EUROPE, I SHALL ATTACK ICELAND FROM GREENLAND WITH ALL THE ARMIES I HAVE AMASSED THERE!"

Gum drop fields aren't looking too pretty now, are they?

SUHKIE UNTIL I AM ABLE TO DRAW A GREEN CARD I FEAR I SHALL HAVE TO REMAIN IN CANDY CANE FOREST


We recycle in this home

Mr. Moneybags has nothing on him

YOU HAVE LANDED YOUR AUTOMOBILE TOKEN ON THE RECTANGLE MARKED 'COMMUNITY CHEST'. AS YOUR BANKER, I COMMAND YOU TO HEAR THE TOP CAHRD OF THE AFOREMENTIONED DECK. "YOU HAVE WON SECOND PRIZE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST. COLLECT TEN DOLLARS." HERE IS YOUR PAYMENT.

Sometimes you just have ants in your pants

"I SHALL PROVE MUH LUV FOR SOOOOKEE IN A BATTLE OF WITS" "FIRSHT ONE TO REMOVE ALL ANTS FROM THEIR PANTS WINS"



I wonder if vampires are very flexible.

"AUUURRGGHH!!! AH CANNOT PUT MY RIGHT FOOT ON BLUE! AH AM DEFEATED!"

"I HAVE MOVED MY LEFT FOOT TO A RED SPOT ERIC, I APPEAR TO HAVE MY HEAD IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE AND I DO APOLOGIES BUT I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE PLAYING."

Who said he's not up for a game of cards?

52 PICK-UP! ERIC, I REQUIRE YOU TO PICK UP THE CARDS THAT HAVE CASCADED TO THE FLOOR.



Ha! This is a battle of wits

I MUST INFORM YOU THAT THE CARD YOU SEEK IS NOT AMONGST MINE. YOU MUST GO FISH.

He's sort of a dick to Jessica

AS YOUR MAKER AH COMMAND YOU TO KING ME

Like, really really a dick to her

'JESSICA, AS YOUR MAKER AH COMMAND YOU TO BRING MORE ONION RINGS'



Yeah, I think I've just been Glamoured through my computer screen...

AS I DO NOT SEEM TO BE ABLE TO GLAMOUR YOU, PERHAPS YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND ONCE YOU HAVE WITNESSED MY FIVE-STAR PERFECT PERFORMANCE OF "MORE THAN A FEELING" ON THE EXPERT DIFFICULTY SETTING.

Even he goes to arcades sometimes

AS YOUR MASTER, JESSICA, I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE YOUR LVL 1 VALKYRIE AND DESTROY THAT SPAWNING GROUND THAT IS PRODUCING ORCS.

Yup, a real dick to her

YOUR MAKER COMMANDS YOU TO PLACE YOUR HANDS ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD YOUR MAKER COMMANDS YOU TO STAND ON ONE FOOT HOP LIKE A BUNNEH YOUR MAKER DID NOT COMMAND YOU. YOU ARE OUT.



I do declare that my torpedo will hit B12

"YOU HAVE SUNKEN MY BATTLE SHIP!"

Rock 'em, Sock 'em is not a concept he is familiar with

"IT APPEARS AS IF MAH BLOCK HAS BEEN KNOCKED OFF!" THOUGH YOU POSSESS THE WISDOM OF 1,000 YEARS IT SEEMS YOU ARE NOT LEARNED IN THE WAYS OF ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS.

He's been around the block, he would make a good detective

AH SUSPECT THAT COLONEL MUSTARD IS THE GUILTY PARTY TO THIS HEINOUS CRIME, UTILIZING THE CANDLE STICK IN THE LIBRARY TO TAKE THE LIFE OF HIS FELLOW MAN



Back to the outdoor fun

YOU HAVE BEEN "TAGGED" BY MYSELF. THEREFORE YOU ARE NOW THE ONE WHO IS KNOWN AS "IT". PLEASE WAIT UNTIL THE REQUIRED 10 MISSISIPPIS BEFORE RESUMING YOUR CHASE.

Strip Poker!
SOOKIEH, YOU HAVE GOTTEN TWO PAIRS OF JACKS AND TWOS TO THE FULL HOUSE THAT I HAVE RECEIVED, YOU NOW HAVE A CHOICE AS TO WHICH OF YOUR UNDERGARMENTS YOU WILL WISH TO REMOVE.

He does what anyone else does on a rainy day

SOOKIEH I HAVE FOUND THE STRANGELY DRESSED GENTLEMAN YOU CALLED WALDO IN YOUR PICTURE BOOK, THEREFORE I AM VICTORIOUS IN THIS PUZZLING ENDEAVOR.



Sometimes you just can't see the damn sailboat

THIS IS STRANGE..MY VAHAMPIRE EYES DO NOT PERMIT MEH TO SEE THE SO CALLED BOAT IN THIS "MAGIC EYE" BOOK. I AM ANGERED THAT YOU CAN SEE IT SOOKEH AND I APPARENTLY CAN NOT. WHAT ARE YOU?

uh-oh, someone's got a game of trouble brewing

SOOKEH ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT THAT IT CAN BE THRILLING TO GET INTO TROUBLE, YOU HAVE DRAWN THE ATTENTION OF FORCES BOTH GREAT IN POWER AND FAR BEYOND YOUR RECKONING.

And since he does have a Wii...

SUHKEH, WHILE I AM WELL AWARE OF YOUR ADDICTION TO DANGER, I REQUIRE ALL OF MY GUESTS TO UTILIZE THE WRIST STRAP AND CONTROLLER COVER. I REFUSE TO CONTINUE BOWLING WITH YOU UNTIL YOU ACQUIESCE TO MY DEMANDS.



Even if Vampires don't eat food, doesn't mean they can't play as a hungry hippo..

"MY HIPPOS HAVE DEVOURED MORE MARBLES THAN YOUR HIPPOS. CLEARLY I AM THE VICTOR!"

He's a little crazy about Mortal Kombat..

AS YOUR MAKER I COMMAND YOU TO FINISH HIM



A thrilling game.. of course...

"EVEN SHOULD WE WAGE THIS BATTLE UNTO ETERNITY I FEAR NEITHER OF US SHALL EVER GAIN THE UPPER HAND IN THIS VEXATIOUS DUEL THE HUMANS CALL 'TIC-TAC-TOE.


I could drive a bus through the gap of her teeth.

And with that, I suppose I should end the madness. I'm sure half of these were only funny in the drunken state they originally were created in. The others.. maybe partially funny. But what isn't funny is that after tonight, you're going to have to wait a while to see more true blood. Looks like it's the season finale tonight.

So perhaps you should watch. I know if I was a God, I would command my followers to watch the episode. I mean, how the hell are they going to wrap it up in an hour? Oh wait.. they aren't. Of course there's going to be some sort of cliff hanger ending.

Either way, I just know you'll have yourself a bottle of Tru Blood in hand ready to watch this otherwise very campy show.

Making The Cut

Making The Cut

I like the cut of your jib, you fine reader of this blog. The only problem is that I'm currently away on vacation on the open road. What I will find out there? I have no idea. Maybe it's just a bit of good ol' fun. Maybe it's more work. Maybe it's the American dream. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I fear getting stabbed by hobos.

It is a constant fear, I tell you. I mean, it would be something I could ignore if it wasn't for the fact that people and the outside world scare me. So why the hell did I take a trip up north? I hear there's nothing but coffee drinking criminals out there. And with the idea that Hobos want money and I may have some in my pocket, they may very well stab me.

So I present you and to myself this video. Which is a helpful tool on how to survive an edged weapon attack.



I hope you enjoyed that. I would write more but then again, I'm more than likely on the road right now. So no time to type. Just remember that The Knife Video is brought to you by the breast Council.



Nothing is more pointy than a good set of....
woah now! Can't go there. You get the idea. Breast, it's what's in your shirt.

Hopefully rancid hobos don't kill me and take my money. If I don't see you again in about a week and a half, more than likely that happened. In which case, enjoy some of the best of.. blogs I have in store for you to read as well as a mixture of new stuff that was written before my untimely hobo stabbing.

The Tonight Show..

The Tonight Show..

I can't say I've ever really been much of a fan of Jay Leno. His humor has always been something that appeals towards the early bird. The old couple who just stayed up slightly late or had an extra cup of coffee with dessert and can't fall asleep after the local news crowd.

I've even come across him a couple of times. Often at car shows or just driving around. He's a sucker for taking weekend drives and I've oddly enough pulled up next to him in one of his old cars and motorcycles very often. It's not a rare sight to see him around Burbank. He'd always pop up at the Bob's Big Boy on Friday nights to show off one of his many cars.



At a young age I stayed up late for no real reason, well past Leno's late night time slot, a time slot he beat out David Letterman for and caused an all out Late Night war over. The two didn't really do much for me. No, I liked my comedy a bit more amateurish. So that's why I would always watch Late night with Conan.

From the very start I picked up his very strange sense of humor. It was a lot better than the Chevy Chase show and even though Arsenio Hall had the future President playing sax, I stuck with the awkward duo of Conan and Andy.



Wait, You must be asking yourself why a young kid would be doing up so late. I never was one to go to sleep and the bed time in my household... well, let's just say I watched a lot of late night things and it wasn't a hands on parenting going on.

But with tonight being the last of Leno's role on the Tonight Show, I have to say, he does have one hell of a strong work ethic. Aside from doing his late night gig, he doesn't even touch the money he makes from doing The Tonight Show. He's been living off his paycheck from doing random comedy gigs on the side for some time now. Which is a bit surprising that even though he has this nightly job that he'd be doing the odd jobs for his bread and butter.



Tonight's guest on the show is none other than Conan himself. In a sense, this is the passing of the torch. While I'm not a regular viewer of Leno's old person type of humor, I will be tuning in tonight. Especially since Conan hasn't been on the televsion waves for a good couple of months.

All this time that Conan has been off the air, they've been making him a new set on the Universal Studios lot. So he'll be close to the actors on set. That should give him a leg up on the competition when it comes to booking a late night guest that needs to plug their project. His new studio is a change from Lenos in many ways. Mixing around where the band plays to where he comes out to a more Johnny Carson fashion.


The new Tonight Show set up.

Jokes have been mentioned about using the Jaws doll to do color commentary every now and then as a recurring gag. Which, I would say, would be a good use of that old attraction that hasn't had the spotlight put on it since Mallrats over a decade ago.

If you're a fan of Conan, you'd be inclined to give this a read through which details Conan's Move to Southern California.

Some of the highlights that I found were:

Above a shelf full of awards for writing hung a large cork bulletin board. The board, which was once devoted to blue index cards denoting guests and comedy bits scheduled for “Late Night,” had been colonized by a battalion of yellow index cards, on which were written ideas for “The Tonight Show.” The suggestions, most of them for remotes, offered glimpses of a new mentality:
“Conan as car valet,”
“Conan as Mexican-wrestling star,”
“Conan cleans pools,”
“Conan goes canoeing on the Los Angeles River.”

Most of the ideas utilized the notion of O’Brien as an outsider, alien to the ways of Hollywood. “Conan takes a cheerful spin on the ‘Psycho’ set,” read one card; “Conan tries to be a stunt man,” suggested another. “Conan has 2,318 dollars and tries to get in on the California bailout.”

Oh man, I would watch the hell out of all those. ideas



With the change I have to wonder what exactly I'm going to do late nights now. I mean, I have no reason to stay up past 12:30 since I hate Jimmy Fallon and think his run of Late night has been awfully unfunny so far.

Makes me wonder if I'm not getting old myself. Have my days of staying up late for no good reason come to an end? What's next? Will I settle down and start some family? Nah, not yet. I still have a lot of stupidity in me left to use. Though I'm sure I'll just piss away the 11:30-12:30 slot watching and laughing at Conan. That's when I'm not at a taping.

What Happens When You Die?

What Happens When You Die?

Since turning 29 I have come to the realization that I am no longer invincible. Yes, I too can be hurt and I will one day die. When? I do not know. But I am certain that I will die. So the question comes to mind on what exactly will happen when I do?

I posed this question to many friends and got their reactions. Here's some of the answers I got back:

- I just assume your consciousness winks out. i think of it as when you're on a long car ride or something and you fall asleep -- however many hours you were traveling are collapsed into an instant. except you never get to the end of the trip, and consequently you don't wake up. you don't necessarily dream when you sleep in the car, though, or at least i don't. so that's what i compare to dying, this null time that doesn't really register as having passed at all in your mind.

- Mental events stop happening in your brain, and that's it. no more consciousness.

-Heaven. Hell. Standard good-evil afterlife dichotomy.

-Hang out with virgins all day so im told.

-Decomposition

-"it's like going to sleep, except you don't dream"

-If you beat Death at twister you get to come back

-As you pass forward in time you'll find that you never actually "die", rather, your conscious experience will only be continued in the possible universes in which minute quantum fluctuations create conditions that result in your continued consciousness, no longer how minute the possibility of the given quantum fluctuation, due to the anthropic principle

-We will all live forever just not in the same universe

-Nothing

-I'd want to be able to haunt stuff

-Who cares?

-The world will be a quieter place.

-When your brain stops working your metal processes stop as well. You don't know you've died because you're dead and can't know anything.

Congratulations, you are now an inanimate lump of decaying flesh.

-About those 72 virgins.
But then that leads to the question on if the virgins stay virgins after you repeatedly fuck them, or do they get replaced with new ones? Or maybe... you don't really get to fuck them at all???

-Also what if i don't want virgins, what if you want experienced hotties that will know how to please??? Fuck, now I'm depressed.

-People cry for a few hours then after a few years no one remembers you.

So there you have it. Some theories there but I'm not gonna die so I don't care. If I were to die though, I do know one thing for certain, I would like John Cleese to speak at my funeral.

I'm So Left.....

I'm So Left.....

Today is March 4th and every year I make a really stupid "March forth!" double meaning joke. No one gets it, maybe I get a chuckle here or there. It's awkward all around. But perhaps I'll take it one step forward and write what I'm marching forth for.

I'm up for writing a list of reasons why I'm so left in my political views. It's a way to earn street cred. In a country that it's currently hip to be leaning towards the left side of the political spectrum. I mean, back during the early Bush administration being a democrat was rather silly. Look at what Bill Clinton did? Get us out of debt? HOW DARE HIM!

In these dark (har har) Obama days, it seems that everyone is going against the republicans. Remember folks, without light we can't define dark. Without evil we cannot put meaning to evil. Without Right wing wackos we can't just tell how left we are.

I'm so left...

... I support abortion into the second year

... I gave up all possessions and squat in a warehouse. I'm blogging from the library

... I believe that the value of product is determined by the amount of intial materials plus the labour that is used to create it im literally covered in my own shit

.... I support UHC for trees

... I consider Lenin a right wing wacko



.... I keep going in circles

... I made a katy perry cover with the blog title

... I smoke weed everyday

... I believe capitalism is literally insane

... I castrated myself because a penis is a symbol of the patriarchy

... I am the star of the popular series of novels, Left Behind



... I adopt a baby and have it perform the abortion of my biological one

... I robbed three of my friends blind to buy dinner for six others

... I deliberately suppress my immune system so as not harm my endogenous bacteria

... I want to nationalize pot

... I once touched an ayn rand book and my hand passed through it, like a ghost; I could not interact with such matter



... My car's steering wheel is hooked up to a ratchet system so i can only turn left. sometimes i have to drive through shrubbery to get out of a parking lot. such is my sacrifice

... I not only don't shave my armpits, I rub super glue and loam into them, then plant seeds. But I'm not content to farm my natural crevices, no, I apply gibberelic acid like deodorant and grow cabbage-trees in my filthy pits

... My zine is printed on paper recycled specifically from other leftist zines printed on recycled paper. I print very small copies so i can distribute it to the wasps that live outside my window. I think they're reading it because the other day one of them flew in and kept stinging me! hell yeah way to fight the power

... Whenever I do tests I'm afraid I'll get the answers right

... I am Che Guevara. Literally. I did not die in the jungle, that was a lie. I survived. And now I am posting on the internet



... I think gun owners should be shot with crossbows, but since crossbows are made out of wood, they are more evil than guns for taking away mother gaia's labors.

... I fully support the death penalty as long as we only execute capitalists

... I subsist entirely on air, I'm a http://www.oxygenarian.com/ maybe you've heard of us. Sorry vegans, you're almost there

... I watch nascar ironically because the cars only go left

... My keffiyeh has a keffiyeh



... but this feels so right

... I want mandatory same sex marriage

... I don't blame Bush for being a bad president - he's just a product of his socioeconomic upbringing.

... I'm literally covered in my own shit

... I'm so left that my attitudes to pornography are indistinguishable from those of social conservatives



... Behind. my family was raptured. demons walk the street why cruel god.

... I made fun of the Left Behind series twice so far.

... I don't seize the means of production, I blow them up

... I want to nationalize whole foods

... I'm so left I'm posting this on a computer made entirely out of soy.



... I use cotton balls made of hemp.

... I believe that capital gains should be taxed a bit more than they are currently

... You can only ever see me in your peripheral vision

... I'm so left i don't have sex, I seize the means of reproduction

... The fillings in my teeth jam all non-NPR AM radio transmissions within a half mile.



Maybe now you get the idea on how left I actually am. Perhaps I'll get a comedy show out of this. Hey, it worked for Jeff Foxworthy with his "You might be a redneck..." shit. Then again, would I want one? I mean, it'll be shown on the idiot box and have capitalistic ads mixed in there between the segments. So so rich fat cat up there in Viacom will be making a profit off me! Fuck that, I say! No one's going to seize the means of production from me!

I think being left is pretty nice. I mean, it's a whole lot better than what the conservatives have going for themselves these days.


Apparently he's doing the news shows now. the video this is from is worth watching

WATCH THE VIDEO BY CLICKING HERE

He never explains why he appears to be wearing lipstick but its pretty lol that an obnoxious morbidly obese drug addict, a retarded plumber, and a 14 year old boy are the current face of the modern republican party.

Perhaps you folks remembered to vote yesterday. I guess I should have posted this on Tuesday. Sorry, I was too busy buying Wonder Woman and getting geeky greek things together. Perhaps if I did, you handful of readers would have went out and rocked the vote, making it so the Mayor Villagosa would have had to do a run off election.

It's Just A Ride - Bill Hicks Remembered

It's Just A Ride - Bill Hicks Remembered

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... Here's Tom with the weather!

Today, February 26th 2009, marks the 15 year anniversary of the passing of a great one. William Melvin Hicks graced this Earth with his presence for far too short a time when he died in 1994 of pancreatic cancer shortly after turning 32. And on this day, I'd like to take a few moments - and I hope you'll come with me - to remember Bill, his work and words, and what he had to teach us.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bill Hicks, know that he was arguably one of the greatest stand up comedians who ever lived, and you'll understand why in a moment. While comedy is certainly subjective and not every style is for everyone, Bill never sold out. He never pussied out and tried to tone down his act to be more acceptable, and he was never satisfied. It wasn't enough to make the audience laugh, he wanted to make them think while he was doing it, and if you listen to what he had to say, he really will stay with you for ever.



He was a born comedian, regularly performing in front of other children at sunday school, camp, and in class. He and a friend began sneaking out of home when they were teenagers to drive down to the local comedy clubs and perform there. The management didn't mind letting them in, as by all accounts Bill was already funnier than every adult performer. As he got older, Bill was one of the hardest working comedians in America, performing more than 300 days a year, sometimes multiple times a day. But fame always eluded him, largely because of his unwillingness to compromise his act, or be a sell out like so many other entertainers (he even turned down sponsorship deals, declaring "You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call forever.")

In June of 1993, Bill was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Despite being on chemotherapy, he went BACK out on the road touring and recording. He knew he didn't have much time left, and decided he wanted to say as much as he could while he still had some time. Working with his best friend, Kevin Booth, Bill began cranking out material and preparing work for Booth to finish after he was gone, released post-humously as Arizona Bay and Rant in E-Minor, alongside his other albums Dangerous and Relentless. Bill performed until he could barely stand, giving his last performance on January 6th 1994 at Caroline's in New York City, where he had to be helped off stage. On February 11th, having moved back in with his parents to be with his loved ones, Bill lost the ability to speak, and his brilliant voice was silenced forever. He passed away February 26th, 1994.



Bill performed on David Letterman 12 times during his career. The 12th and final time came in October of 1993, just a few months before his death. He knew about his cancer, but had told no one outside of family and friends. Bill gave his set, performing brilliantly as he always did, however it was pulled from the show. There was speculation the reason was because it contained some light material on Pro-Life groups. It seems unclear, but Letterman himself may have been responsible for the censorship, and it infuriated Bill who wrote a 39 page letter to The New Yorker on the matter. Let it be known that a few weeks ago, David Letterman officially apologized about this on his show, invited Bill's mother on to speak about him, and finally aired the segment which had been cut 15 years earlier



As for anybody who doesn't find him "funny," it's not even about that. Bill Hicks performances were pure fucking art. To watch a man dig a hole you couldn't spit down without hitting the sides, going off on wild political and philosophical tangents filled with ideas that, in his time, were viewed as dangerous, in bumfuck towns full of illiterate rednecks and thumbless apes, and then jump right back out of it with one well-timed dick joke is pure genius.

Any one particular Bill Hicks joke, quote, or whatever isn't going to make you cry laughing, it's all about the whole. If you find him kind of funny but can't stand his political/philosophical rants, it's not for you.

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say "Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride." And we... kill those people. Ha ha ha. "Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. Thank you, and goodnight.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

So let's take a day to sit back and remember Bill. If you're new to him, please check him out. There's clips on YouTube. If you're an old fan, put on your copy of Arizona Bay, throw in the Live DVD, crack open a copy of Love All the People, take some psilocybin mushrooms and go lay in a field of green grass and say "My God, I love everything."

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!

Where the H*!! is MY bailout?!



sorry bailouts aren't for big dogs, just fatcats

Hello my non-American friends, Big Dogs are the pinnacle of American screen printing humor. They are like institutions in our society. Angry dog shirts are the failure of humanity condensed into screen printed cotton.

It seemed that everyone had that dog on their shirt in the 5th grade. It's like a blast from the past. You were so edgy. Thankfully I never had one of these. I don't get the appeal really. You typically see these as a psuedo-hardass symbol for suburban dads to wear to feel tough around their kids.



Is it that people feel like they can say things through a dog on a shirt that they can't manage to say in real life? It's not me it's this rascally mutt! Sort of like getting a word tattooed on yourself in Japanese because you'd look like a fag if you had the word "spirit" on your neck in English?

I really shouldn't be surprised that they're keeping up with current events. When I went to one of those outlet shopping centers when I lived in Florida they had a Big Dog store. It was a bit scary but they were always up with the latest film parody. Bark Wars: Attack of the Big Dog, The Barktrix and whatever other film was out at the time.



Even still, the idea that the Big Dog is covering all the economic downturn is a clear sign that we're in a bad position. You know it's the coming of a depression when even Big Dog is heralding it with their shirts.

I think I realize why we're in the mess that we're in right now. Did the Big Dog get a second or third mortgage? What sort of bank would loan money to a dog to begin with? Did he not have a job to keep up with payments. The bank who loaned money to Big Dog not only needs to get no bailout money, but they also need their license pulled at once!


Theres no FRICKIN way I'm gonna be able to make my house payments!

Why is the Big Dog pissed that he hasn't gotten his bailout? Did they go up to congress and ask for one? Come on folks, we need to bailout Big Dog! Without them many fat ass southern people wont have anything witty to wear!



This whole meme (if it's even able to be considered that) was nothing but the initial reaction to a nation getting fatter and fatter. Whereas now it's simply normalized in its pandemic nature, back then it was a shock. So people had to rationalize it as some alternative lifestyle choice and a symbol of their 'attitude' toward life.

The only person I know who wears these shirts is a big-as-a-tank upright Christian dude. He's got no real need or reason to 'feel' tough and he has the personality of a happy puppy. Maybe he wears them ironically? I dunno.


I'm almost certain this shirt's premise is false. A 30 of natty is like 14 bucks and thats like 6-8 gallons of gas so yeah im p sure thats wrong. WAY TO DO YOUR SCIENTIFIC STUDY, BIG DOG INC. Besides, isn't it illegal to give alcohol to animals? I would hope that some animal rights groups were called and warned about this alcohol consuming pup. I'm not even sure I understand what this next one is suppose to mean. Is it about high fuel prices or something?



I have to wonder if they even produce the shirts in sizes under XL. Seeing all these shirts its like I'm walking on the Atlantic city boardwalk. Only without the fear of getting mugged and killed. These shirts are typically all over redneck tourist towns and the scary aspect is that they sell like hot cakes. Even in this down economy people are still showing how much of a Big Dog they are.



Hell yeah! Now I can be a nurse without feeling like a sissy crybaby. Thank you Big Dog industries.

Most of the time these shirts simply point out that the wearer is a deeply unpleasant person. More than likely racist and grew up in the church, so they don't want to do anything that would displease Jesus... but oddly enough have no problems with telling my "spic ass" to "Go back to Mexico!" It just means you have something to warn you ahead of time that they are approaching you. Just remember, IF YOU CAN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS THEN GO BACK TO THE PORCH!

Something Awful poked fun on these a while back. Here's some of my favorites.








If you ever see me wearing a Big Dog shirt just stab me through the head. Any blunt object will do. Just put me out of my misery. Please.