Speak Nerdy And Carry A Big Sword

Speak Nerdy And Carry A Big Sword

I was going to call this one knifing around, but I like that Space Ghost episode too much to insult it in that way. Today I bring you a good question. One that you will be stumped to attempt to answer. Why do you need a big sword? Why?!? I ask because it seems like these swords are always sold to people....



I.. I just don't know. I can't even picture who the market for this shit is. I guess I can. Pretty much the people demoing the products. But then how do you make your money? It does ask a good question;

"What more do you want in a sword?"

How about concealabity? Maneuverability? A majority of combat situations occur not out in the open, but in the surprise of a slightly confining space like a hallway. Speaking of if you are ever going to be such a bad ass to take down the criminal element in your home after a bad breaking and entering, perhaps a short sword is a much better weapon.

So this huge sword cuts meat and stationary objects. That makes it a meat cutting execution weapon. In my experience things don't stand still when you try to kill them... except chickens. The great sword is, for this reason, obsolete technology because it was designed in its time for decapitating enemies from horseback. Its power is in the weight and speed behind it. Really unfit for anything but to prove your a fucking nerd in this modern day.. That or you really want to sell your Ren Faire costume as over the top.



And even with the shorter blades, those things look very bulky. You do realize that if you have just one really good chefs knife, it would do all that work for you. I mean, Jesus. I don't know how many times I have cut myself just doing mundane cooking techniques with my Global knife. I'm pretty sure that with some added pressure, it could go through a chest cavity with ease.

I had a friend who on his sixteenth birthday party, his parents got him a sword. I recall him saying that he maybe asked for one when he was eight years old or something, so instead of getting his drivers test paid for like he wanted or some sort of computer equipment, etc. they got him a sword.

Which does beg the question on how useful a sword is. I bet he took it up to his room after and pondered "what the fuck am I suppose to do with this?" Perhaps I'm just missing out. The sheer joy on that manchild's face reminds me of a childhood feeling, lost forever, but his stunted nature makes me sad at the things he will never experience. I guess you can never be too old to be a manchild. I mean, even when you're not able to walk much and in need of aid, you can have a sword. Yes, that's right. Just cause you're too brittle to carry a two handed sword doesn't mean you can't have a sword cane!



The cold steel sword cane means you'll never have to worry about depending yourself or your loved ones from a stationary threatening looking pile of raw meat ever again! Again, who buys these things? Who thinks that it would be of any use or finds the need to romance an old weapon style so badly that they need to purchase a sword?

Oh wait, I know. This is the kind of person who wants this..



I think that video sort of proved the theory floating around in the back of my mind. That these sword products are for middle schoolers who got constantly teased as a kid. It's a very warped idea of compensating. At least if you have a small dick you'll be driving a fancy car. In this case, all you have is something that makes you look like an even bigger loser.

I can just imagine what's going on in their mind; "Oh yeah? Would a 'fag' have a hadhafang, sword of the fairest elf maiden arwen? I thous think not!"



Oh man. I bet the pizza boy won't be bitching when you don't tip him once he sees the two handed great sword next to the door, now is he? No way, maybe it'll strike some fear into him so that the next time you get some free cheesy bread as well!

Is there any real practical use for these knives? Well, let's ask this guy who clearly hates cardboard.



I guess I could see how it would be a lot of fun for maybe.. like half an hour or so to just hack shit up with a sword like in those videos. But that seems to be the limit to it. The swords seem as useful as a paper weight more than anything else. Unless of course you have a sudden need to hack up well stacked inanimate trash.

I have to wonder if there's any way to use these things as intended without going to jail for murder or dieing or getting shot.. or even worse, accidentally cutting off your own limbs? I guess the thing that these people seem to latch onto is the fear that people would rather be shot than slashed with a sword. As being slashed with a sword means you may probably die, but if you do live you're going to be potentially without a limb.

While that's very menacing and all, I think I only need to remind you of the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark to remind you which one comes out on top.

Making The Cut

Making The Cut

I like the cut of your jib, you fine reader of this blog. The only problem is that I'm currently away on vacation on the open road. What I will find out there? I have no idea. Maybe it's just a bit of good ol' fun. Maybe it's more work. Maybe it's the American dream. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I fear getting stabbed by hobos.

It is a constant fear, I tell you. I mean, it would be something I could ignore if it wasn't for the fact that people and the outside world scare me. So why the hell did I take a trip up north? I hear there's nothing but coffee drinking criminals out there. And with the idea that Hobos want money and I may have some in my pocket, they may very well stab me.

So I present you and to myself this video. Which is a helpful tool on how to survive an edged weapon attack.



I hope you enjoyed that. I would write more but then again, I'm more than likely on the road right now. So no time to type. Just remember that The Knife Video is brought to you by the breast Council.



Nothing is more pointy than a good set of....
woah now! Can't go there. You get the idea. Breast, it's what's in your shirt.

Hopefully rancid hobos don't kill me and take my money. If I don't see you again in about a week and a half, more than likely that happened. In which case, enjoy some of the best of.. blogs I have in store for you to read as well as a mixture of new stuff that was written before my untimely hobo stabbing.

Knifin' Around

Knifin' Around

It's Easter, hope you hid the fuck'n eggs cause I hear the Big J-man is coming back today and he does not like eggs. Don't you know that's how they came up with this whole hiding the egg stuff. Jesus just hated them. Something about eggs smelling in the desert. They're just no good. Not even making them into some sort of egg salad would help. Have you ever tried to have mayo in that heat? The stuff turns nasty.

Enough about Easter. It's dead to me. After a couple of years where my birthday landed on this festive day of hiding the eggs and mixing my birthday gifts with rabbits and shit like that, I'm done with this spring thang'.



Though at least when my birthday landed on Easter I was sure that then, and only then people wouldn't forget my birthday. Any reader of this upstanding blog would pay notice that this past week held my birthday. It has become clear that my family doesn't read my blog. I suppose that's both a good and bad thing. Good in the sense that they don't hear me shit talk them every so often. Bad in that THEY CAN'T REMEMBER MY GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY!

Not a single phone call, not one. Neither of my sisters, one of which I actually ran across on the day of, said a god damn thing. So my siblings don't know I exist and one doesn't know I know they exist. Interesting. I came to realize that my grandparents calendar was still set to March. So perhaps I should give them a pass on being a bit annoyed that they couldn't remember it. Then I'm reminded on how much I was passed over by them and that pass gets revoked.

I can tell you one thing for sure, besides a lack of phone call of well wishes it also leads to a lack of gifts in the present pile. You recall that old saying about if you want something done right, do it yourself. I've come to realize it all too well.

Some folks would think that it's silly to buy yourself a gift. Even sillier to wrap it. Well, I did just that. One of my favorite gifts I gave to myself was a knife. The Global G-2 Japanese knife. When you absolutely have to slice something right, this is the bad boy to get.



Check out these reviews on Amazon

It's a thing of beauty. If it weren't a knife I would be tempted to make sweet, sweet love to it. But then I'd have a ton of slashes on myself so I'll pass on that. Perhaps there's a metaphor in there. Something about trimming the fat from my life. If you don't want to be apart of it, that's fine with me. I'm not expecting a big party or anything. A simple "Hey, Happy Birthday" would have been awesome.



But even that is tough for some so I guess it's time to cut some dead weight loose. Speaking of knives and cutting, I'll transition to something completely differnet and completely similar. A Space Ghost episode. One in which Thom York of Radiohead and Bjork of the Sugarcubes show up in.

Since it's Easter and I'm done writing and I want to actually enjoy this day, I'll leave you with this master piece of a Space Ghost episode.

Yes, let's all drink till our hearts stop.

Birthday Wishes

Birthday Wishes

Here's some more self promotion. With my birthday only a few days away perhaps I should actually make up my mind on what I want, right? Especially if I want to avoid the tragic tales of the last couple of years of getting nothing. On the flip side I didn't ask for anything nor was I expecting anything. So I got exactly what I wanted. What can I say, I'm a nihilist. Ok, maybe I'm not. Say What You Will About the Tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at Least it's an Ethos.

So with that in mind I'm not going to be asking for much. Most of these I'll be doing for myself. Who better to give you something than your number 1 fan, yourself. So allow me to indulge myself and speak out loud on a couple of things that I'm looking forward to either getting or doing as I depart from the ripe age of 28.

- Fly a kite.
I'm turning 29 and I feel that till I have children, maybe I'm getting way too old to fly a kite. So sometime before my birthday I would like to fly a kite once more. It'll be a nice little send off to being young. Not saying that it's all over or that I'm feeling my age. It has been some time since I raised a kite into the air. So it'll be nice for this to go up and carry that age in the wind.



-Take a drive.
I used to take these long drives I would just spend 8 hours on. Sometimes they would be weekend adventures. One landed me in Santa Barbra and I just got a hotel and had some wine tasting, a nice hike and then headed back to Los Angeles. I suppose that's more along the lines of a weekend trip but you get the point.



I want to fill up the tank and just drive. Where? I have no idea. When? Hopefully soon. But it'll happen. Oh yes. Some time to reflect on myself and my 28 going on 29 stage. What better way to do that than a drive to the beach/mountain/desert. Popping in some electronic music and I'll have myself a good time.

-Drink Wine on a hillside over looking the sea
Pretty simple request. I enjoy wine. I enjoy it a lot. Well, what alcohol don't I enjoy? Sometimes I enjoy them more than I should. I do like wine because it's a drink that you can drink large great amounts of and all anyone will really care about is that you're creating a palate for what you like.



I have growing a small collection over time. So this one isn't even going to cost much of anything. The cost of gas to get out to a hillside. Why one that over looks the ocean? Or at least has hills that are close to the ocean? Well, I've grown to like Santa Barbara wines and most of them have the taste of the ocean since they're grown and with the cost so close.

- Burn something.
Maybe it's just some wacky thing on my shoulders constantly telling me to burn things but I can't help it. I like fire. As it has been made clear by the burn on my leg, I guess I'm not that good at it. I love BBQ's, I love bonfires. I love burning things. Yes. I'm that crazy kid in your class as a kid who just kept playing with matches or a lighter.... or both (two hands, after all) Well no. Not really. But I do like the smell of a good fire cooking meat. So maybe a BBQ may be in order and would be fun. It is getting warmer, after all.



- Spend time with family?
Oh, this one would be nice. But like communism it's only nice in theory. My parents a couple years back decided that they'd best use the time around my Birthday to travel. So I haven't seen them during my date of birth for a while now. As for my sisters, I guess this one's not such a great cause. They have their own thing going on. This isn't a pity party, so don't take it that way.

I'll just spend the time this year at work and then with the people that seem to mean something. I'll figure it out. I know I'll have a good time.

- Red Rider BB Gun.
Why not. What? I'll shoot my eye out? FUCK YOU, I WONT! Ok, well cross this off my list then. I don't want it anymore. Fucking guns anyway. What does this look like, a gun show?



-Some Romance
Check and Check! <3 style="font-size:130%;">

-A Cake
I'm not much of a cake fan. I haven't ever really been. Don't get me wrong, I like cake. I just don't have much memory of eating them. They can also get really dry. I have really enjoyed tres leches cake. It's like sponge cake with a ton of different milks. How can you go wrong there?

I would like some sort of cake though. You can't put candles on a pie and think it's the same sort of beast. You ever try to put a candle into a Key Lime Pie? Yeah, I didn't think so.



-A Dodger game
This is easier said than done. I don't recall the Dodgers playing on my birthday at home. They're usually away during that day. This year they'll be in Sandy Eggo playing the Padres. Last year I went to way too many games. I think I lost count around 30-something games. While fun, I think this year I'm not going to go to so many games. We are in a down economy after all.

I would like to go to a couple of key games though. The problem is that last year I had some amazing seats behind the home plate. This year, to get the same seats I'll have to be a little more willing to scale back the number of games to get to. So yes, a dodger dog, a beer and I'll be in heaven at Dodger stadium.



- A Trip to the Hollywood Bowl
The summer season hasn't really started yet but I do want to make some sort of solid plans to get to at least one or two concerts for the summer at the bowl. Why? If you don't know the wonders of the Hollywood Bowl then I don't know what your problem is. I love the Hollywood bowl. What's there to not love about being able to bring in your own picnic basket, wine and whatever else to enjoy the night of music.

Especially during the summer months where the nights aren't that much colder than the days it's really a magical experience. I think the only thing that isn't nice about all this is the parking situation. Some proper planning ahead of time and you'll be square on all that. So no worries there. So let's see.. should I go for the Beastie Boys? I just don't know.





-A Trip to the Farmer's Market
It doesn't have to be the actual farmer's market at the grove but I do love the ability to go to the farmer's market and get some fresh produce and get some delicious home cooked meals going in my mind.

I love going to a farmer's market and seeing what fruits and veggies are in season and try to come up with a new dish in my mind with what I can see in front of me. It usually ends up with me getting something tasty. All I know is that I do want to get to a farmer's market some time during the week. The ones I usually know of well are on other days than my birthday. So hey, maybe it'll be a late birthday gift for myself.




So you're more than likely wondering what I got for myself.

Being that comic book day is a day after my birthday, perhaps I'll just splurge a little and have a good happy birthday getting myself comic book nerdy shit that I'll more than likely label myself as a comic nerd to the masses?

A Global Knife
It's a very nice knife. I have been meaning to buy one for some time now. The last good one I had was borrowed a long time ago and I never saw that cook after that. At least they didn't stab me with it before taking off with it.

One sharp gift.


If the advertisements are correct then I only have roughly 25,000 mornings to live out. I think I've used up enough of those. Oddly enough I'm not much of a morning person anyway, so maybe I'm not too worried about not using all those up.

Perhaps some of these gifts will make those days a bit more enjoyable. Who knows. All I know is that I'm going to have a happy birthday and I can't help but look forward to the many years that I'll be gaining on my notch in the years to come.