Happy Zombie Day!

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

You may not realize it.... oh fuck it, I'm not going to lie. Doing the whole "Jesus is a zombie" thing is far from edgy. I mean, every one realizes it, right? He died.. came back from the dead* and all that other shit. He's a fucking Zombie. Perhaps the first zombie. But then again, that is if Jesus actually existed. Okay, let me rephrase that. Jesus may have existed and he was a terrorist of his day and age. He died but he sure as hell didn't come back to life. But if we're playing along with the whole Christian Easter thing then we'll just pretend that he did.. on the third day.. which still doesn't make sense because Sunday is only two days after Good Friday.... and really, was it THAT good of a Friday if your messiah is dying?

What it seems to me happened was that some guy got nailed to a piece of wood for suggesting that we all be nice to each other for a change. This, of course angered the local authorities in power. You would probably consider him a terrorist in today's modern day setting. But apparently this government run execution event should be celebrated by us as a great moment in human history.



I typically have no problem proclaiming my feelings toward organized religion, so I can honestly tell you that if you think a guy literally rose from the dead 200 years ago just because it was written in a religious text, well then that's pretty dumb.

Not to mention that if you were actually going for the literal translation as seen in the bible, then you'd realize that they never found his grave, and were crying and then Mary hallucinated seeing him and her faith was restored. He never came back to life, Body of Christ means the church body, not his actual body. So it's sort of funny to see Dogmatic Christianity ignoring what's written in their own bible.



If anything, Easter is a celebration of the supernatural tyranny that enslaves a large proportion of humankind. The very best that could be said of it is that Easter eggs are pretty good and enjoyable to color when bored and you have an abundance of vinegar laying around. Pound for pound, Stalin did more to bring social justice to the world's poor than Christianity has in the 1900 years or so since some dudes in togas who were privileged and educated enough to write decided to invent it.

Want more proof? If you check Wikipedia right now you'll actually see that Jesus took 4 days to rise from the grave.

FYI - I know this because I edited wikipedia to say that just now.

wikipedia is kind of like the bible that way



But I'm getting off the point about Zombie Jesus, because that's the important aspect here. You see, Jesus was that first Zombie. Maybe it's not just more "lost through translation", but perhaps the whole "Eat the body and blood of Christ" is actually code in the bible that there was many zombies in the time of the bible's writing?

Perhaps the next book that gets the ".... And Zombies" treatment like Pride & Prejudice should be "The Bible....and zombies" Don't you get it? JESUS WAS A ZOMBIE!

Just picture it now. Judas was actually the hero of the story. At the time there was clearly no shot guns, then again, shotguns would be the worse weapon to kill a zombie. You need to let them get up close to you before you pull the trigger or those small pellets wouldn't do much against them. Had to hang them up high so they wouldn't claw and try to chew on you. This is where a cross would be put to good use.



Hell, even the idea of Jesus carrying the cross to one of his many "dying" places could be seen as him shambling. Do I need to make this any clearer? Jesus is a zombie and the Bible really should get the ".... and zombie" treatment!

Where do you think Hide the Easter eggs came from? More than likely an attempt to teach kids to hide themselves from those zombies. Or maybe the eggs represent your head and you really should be hiding that before the zombies come and try to eat you as dinner. I know that when I got a chocolate bunny, the first thing I would do is take a nice big bite into the head of it and act like I was gnawing its brains out.



Or maybe it's not all about zombies. Maybe today should just be considered that whole spring celebration for pagans that the Church just latched itself on to. That wouldn't be something new in the religious play book, after all.

I think we should all be thankful for the one day of the year that Christians, Muslims, Jews, agnostics and atheists can all eat chocolate eggs. Perhaps you'll take advantage of the fact that in about four or five days supermarkets and other stores will have 90% off creme eggs and bunny shaped chocolates for your sweets cravings.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

A new season of Doctor who is approaching pretty soon. It's almost upon us. Care to see a preview for it?

Here you go!


Doesn't it say it all? Doctor Who 2010: Lens flares, slow motion and inaudible lines! So glad RTD is gone but that was a very, very strange teaser. I have to say one thing though, I really like how Matt Smith's reading those lines.

I mean, I can understand why that teaser was so in your face. For anyone in the UK who is going to see Tim Burton's Alice in Hot Topic Land in 3D, there will be that Doctor Who trailer playing in full 3D. So the BBC had that ad be filmed to take advantage of that high tech wizardry.

I hope you noticed when the new season is coming out also. Easter! Given my birthday is only a couple of days after said blessed day of thy bunny, I'm pretty thrilled. Thank you BBC, you shouldn't have given me Doctor Who as a gift. Now don't tell me I have Karen Gillan (Amy Pond) to unwrap as well?



Now I'm going to lie, I was all against Rose and Martha being a love interest for the Doctor. I loved Donna Noble because she wasn't a love interest, she was a companion in the true sense of the word. But with Amy.. yeah, I think Amy's beautiful, but I would call you a god damn dirty liar if you didn't admit that also.

I'm actually surprised at how okay I am with the amount of sexual tension in that teaser alone. It was only a minute but that had a lot of spastic and romantic subtext-imbued as anything from the RTD era. The Doctor and his companion lying next to each other on a hill looking at the stars, and then holding each other by the shoulders and looking into each others' eyes while faces are almost touching. That makes the puppy eyes Rose gave Tennant seem subtle by comparison

And did you see The Doctor also grab Amy's boob, and there was an upskirt shot. Moffat, you filthy bugger! Did I just see a lens flare coming out of her crotch? Oh dear lord, she's got a MANGINA! She's Old Greeeeeeeeeeegg! On a related note, I would drink Baley's out of her shoe... Perhaps the phrase I was looking for is "My God, it's full of stars."



As for what was up with that head at the end? I'm pretty sure that's a Silurian. Classic Doctor Who big bad pops up again. Fun times. I have to question the whole setting of the ad. Me and the Doctor were chillin' out in a field, watching the stars and taking some crazy space drugs. Yup, that was my weekend.

I dug it until the weird end bit where the face burst out of the ground. It all seems a bit strange when you think about it. But again, it's best not to think about it. There was many times in RTD's run that you were better off not thinking at all and just enjoying what was on the screen.

There is a little part inside me that just says to forget this teaser entirely. There's really no way to top the all time best Doctor Who season teaser. That was for the series relaunching with Eccleston;



My gal just recently watched the whole of Eccleston's season again and I have to say I'm a bit jealous of that innocence and glee from watching that season. Oh man, do I miss him as the Doctor. Just imagine if they had both Eccleston and Gillan. That would be a very Scottish sounding Doctor Who show. He'll always be MY Doctor.

So hurry up Easter, come on and get here and be done with so I can get me some new Doctor Who. This nerd is jonesing for it!

Knifin' Around

Knifin' Around

It's Easter, hope you hid the fuck'n eggs cause I hear the Big J-man is coming back today and he does not like eggs. Don't you know that's how they came up with this whole hiding the egg stuff. Jesus just hated them. Something about eggs smelling in the desert. They're just no good. Not even making them into some sort of egg salad would help. Have you ever tried to have mayo in that heat? The stuff turns nasty.

Enough about Easter. It's dead to me. After a couple of years where my birthday landed on this festive day of hiding the eggs and mixing my birthday gifts with rabbits and shit like that, I'm done with this spring thang'.



Though at least when my birthday landed on Easter I was sure that then, and only then people wouldn't forget my birthday. Any reader of this upstanding blog would pay notice that this past week held my birthday. It has become clear that my family doesn't read my blog. I suppose that's both a good and bad thing. Good in the sense that they don't hear me shit talk them every so often. Bad in that THEY CAN'T REMEMBER MY GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY!

Not a single phone call, not one. Neither of my sisters, one of which I actually ran across on the day of, said a god damn thing. So my siblings don't know I exist and one doesn't know I know they exist. Interesting. I came to realize that my grandparents calendar was still set to March. So perhaps I should give them a pass on being a bit annoyed that they couldn't remember it. Then I'm reminded on how much I was passed over by them and that pass gets revoked.

I can tell you one thing for sure, besides a lack of phone call of well wishes it also leads to a lack of gifts in the present pile. You recall that old saying about if you want something done right, do it yourself. I've come to realize it all too well.

Some folks would think that it's silly to buy yourself a gift. Even sillier to wrap it. Well, I did just that. One of my favorite gifts I gave to myself was a knife. The Global G-2 Japanese knife. When you absolutely have to slice something right, this is the bad boy to get.



Check out these reviews on Amazon

It's a thing of beauty. If it weren't a knife I would be tempted to make sweet, sweet love to it. But then I'd have a ton of slashes on myself so I'll pass on that. Perhaps there's a metaphor in there. Something about trimming the fat from my life. If you don't want to be apart of it, that's fine with me. I'm not expecting a big party or anything. A simple "Hey, Happy Birthday" would have been awesome.



But even that is tough for some so I guess it's time to cut some dead weight loose. Speaking of knives and cutting, I'll transition to something completely differnet and completely similar. A Space Ghost episode. One in which Thom York of Radiohead and Bjork of the Sugarcubes show up in.

Since it's Easter and I'm done writing and I want to actually enjoy this day, I'll leave you with this master piece of a Space Ghost episode.

Yes, let's all drink till our hearts stop.

In Which I Call April A Whore

In Which I Call April A Whore

Now April, this is tough for me. You should sit down for this. It’s sort of hard to say. I like you, I really do. You contain the day that I get one day closer to death. I think I know why April Showers.. it's because you’re out there whoring it up in your whore shoes! This isn’t funny, how could you April? You get around. It’s as simple as that. Oh, don’t play innocent with me. I have the proof. Let’s look at all the things you allow to take place as 'National' holidays or at the very least days of importance.

April has these month long celebrations.

Month:

• National Humor Month - Ha ha, no shit, April fools starts the month off, do we need it to be all month long? I have no idea how much Rick rollin' I could take
• International Guitar Month - I’ll go get my Guitar hero and we’ll rock it
• Keep America Beautiful Month - Earth day doesn’t cover this how?
• Lawn and Garden Month -Dogs have to have some place to piss, right?
  
• National Grilled Cheese month -Okay, I like cheese, I’ll let this one slide. DOWN MY THROAT! OOOOH YEAH!
  
• Poetry Month - Oh get this! Get the fuck out of my month!
• National Pecan Month - Cause everyone likes a nut.
• National Welding Month - Wait.. what?
• Records and Information Management Month -... I just don’t know how to bash this one.
• Stress Awareness Month - Which, oddly enough causes even more stress in itself.
  
• Sexual Assault Awareness Month - This one makes sense, as it feels my month was just raped.
• Alcohol Awareness Month - Yeah, I’m aware of it, now pour me a drink
  
• Child Abuse Prevention Month - I think every month should be this. Just saying.
  
• National Donate Life Month -So you’re not suppose to kill someone, I take it.
  
• National Kite Month - I like kites, I don’t think they deserve a month.
  
• National Car Care Month - Stop treating your car like shit, please.
  
• National Occupational Therapy Month -Scientologist need not apply.
  

You also have these celebrations that weren’t good enough to last the month. So you only get them for one quarter of the time.

Weekly Celebrations:

• Week 1 Library Week -Libraries, Not just for bums on the internet!
  
• Weekend 1 Alcohol-free weekend - Yeah, no thanks, I want to get drunk before my birthday.
  
• Week 1 Read a Road Map Week. -How about getting on the open road?
• Week 2 Garden Week -Already covered in the stupid month long thing
• Week 3 Organize Your Files Week -Data entry wasn’t enough?
• Week 3 Medical Labs Week -sure.. why not.
• Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week -Data entry sure likes to spread themselves this entire month, don’t they?
• Week 4 National Karaoke Week - Which is odd since the month starts off with an alcohol free weekend only to end with an activity that needs as much alcohol as possible.
  
• Week 4, National TV-Turnoff week - What? Crazy talk. This is my month and as someone who makes his bread and butter off TV, it’s not going off!
  

And while all those long term celebrations are enough to make you question the moral standards of the month, we get to the real reason why April is such a whore. Sometimes it even has more than one celebration per day. Here’s the list of the official days as well as what silly meaning they hold. .

Each Day:

1 April Fool’s Day - Yes, we all get it. It’s the day you can prank someone when they most likely expect it. Hey, how about this, pull a prank on someone on March 31st or April 2nd, that’ll be a real surprise.

1 International Tatting Day I thought this was tattooing at first but then realized it wasn’t that cool.

2 Children’s Book Day I guess this one is alright. It’s not the worse on the list.

2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Did this really need a full day? It’s a sandwich. Maybe just keep it to a National lunch holiday.

2 Reconciliation Day Who cares if they cheated on you with your sister, the day commands you to reconciliate.

3 Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day - we know your decision. This should just be an offical ditch day.

3 Tweed Day What the hell?

4 Hug a Newsman Day Did Harold Greene create this holiday up? John Beard perhaps? Both of those need a hug after getting fired/losing their job.

4 National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month and really ignored in any city. Hell, even folks in he country can’t walk to work.

4 Walk Around Things Day you mean like you do every other day of the year?

4 School Librarian Day pfft, they don’t have to deal with the bums like real Librarians.

4 Tell a Lie Day The lie is that this is a holiday

5 Go for Broke Day Or just stay broke today.

6 Plan Your Epitaph Day - a little morbid if you ask me. But shit, better to be safe than sorry.

6 Sorry Charlie Day What does this one mean? You have to say sorry to every charlie you see?

7 Caramel Popcorn Day - Most likely created by a popocorn maker, or an Ecard company. Either way, you’ll pop if you don’t celebrate it.

7 No Housework Day Most home makers celebrate this day every day of the year.

7 World Health Day We can’t even get health care down for the U.S., let’s not try to get the whole world covered just so easily.

8 All is Ours Day I have no clue. I seriously have no clue.

8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day seriously, what?

9 Name Yourself Day wait.. what?

9 Winston Churchill Day Ok, I can buy this one. The man was great

10 Golfer’s Day Because golfers need another day off to play golf?

10 National Siblings Day I’m not sure what you do here. It’s like the Mother/Fathers day for your siblings, I guess.

11 Eight Track Tape Day - do you remember those? Why would anyone?

11 Barbershop Quartet Day Celebrate something you only see at Disneyland!

12 Big Wind Day - this day blows.

12 Russian Cosmonaut Day fuck that, we beat them to the moon, sure they shot a dog into space and broke orbit, but we staged the moon landing, so give us the credit!

13 Blame Someone Else Day Who do I blame for these stupid holidays?

13 Scrabble Day Ok, I can get behind this one. Simply because I play the game. But do you need a national holiday to play it?

14 Ex Spouse Day Cause you needed a day to celebrate dumping their deadbeat ass.

14 International Moment of Laughter Day Other nations are laughing at this and our other stupid holidays.

14 Look up at the Sky Day - don’t you have anything better to do?

14 National Pecan Day Sometimes you feel like a nut, and that’s because you celebrate days like this

14 Reach as High as You Can Day This is a day to celebrate what exactly?

15 Rubber Eraser Day Someone should rub this day off the calender.

15 Titanic Remembrance Day Do not play that stupid song, do not play that stupid movie. Just no. Seriously, no!

16 National Eggs Benedict Day You have to have eggs to celebrate this day.

16 National Librarian Day They deserve a round of applause for kicking out so many homeless after taking too much time on the internet access there.

16 National Stress Awareness Day Don’t stress out about missing this day.

17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day I.. am confused. So is there a yadda yadda yadda day?

17 National Cheeseball Day Ok, I’ll support this day because I like cheese balls. To Hot Wings!

18 International Juggler’s Day - also applies to multi tasking office workers, which is stupid. Really, who doesn’t juggle a lot of things at once? People who celebrate stupid days like this one, that’s who.

18 Newspaper Columnists Day And if you’re at the LA Times, just be thankful you have a job.

18 Pet Owners Independence Day So do you let your animals run free?

19 National Garlic Day Fuck you Basil, Kiss my ass sea salt!

20 Look Alike Day In SoCal, every day looks alike with any other day. Sunny and in the 70’s.

20 Volunteer Recognition Day And if you’re getting recognition for volunteering, you’re not volunteering, you’re getting payment in the form of recognition. So yeah, this is like celebrating the unknown soldier’s day as Bob’s day.

21 Kindergarten Day Cause nothing says party like busting out the chips and kool-aid.

21 Patriot’s Day - third Monday of the month and really, we wouldn’t want the terrorist to win.

22 Girl Scout Leader Day So buy some over priced fattening cookies on this day.

22 National Jelly Bean Day And another food celebration day. This time for candy. FOR CANDY! I can understand Halloween but not this. Not this at all!

23 Lover’s Day I’m just confused as to why we need this day.

23 National Zucchini Bread Day - they hold this at a time when you are not sick
of all that zucchini. But then again, who really wants Zucchini anyway?

23 Take a Chance Day So what makes this day any different than any other? Like Valentine’s day, everyday you should be taking a chance at something. If you aren’t, then you’re really missing out.

23 World Laboratory Day NERDS!

12 Astronomy Day - Even as a space nerd I can’t stand behind this.

24 Pig in a Blanket Day We have to stop celebrating food days.

25 East meets West Day So.. what does this celebrate again?

25 World Penguin Day what?

26 Executive Admin’s Day (Secretary’s Day) I like how they had to change it because Secretary is not PC enough.

26 Hug an Australian Day No. Seriously. No! Just give them a fosters and let them talk about how it’s not really good beer from down under and how you need to drink the queen’s beer or some shit.

26 National Pretzel Day Another Holiday created by corporate America.

26 Richter Scale Day This is a Holiday? When’s 'Radiation ticker' day?

27 Babe Ruth Day So grab a bat, chug a lot of alcohol and take a couple of swings. Babe would be proud.

27 National Prime Rib Day Now this, I can get behind.

27 Tell a Story Day This should be changed to 'Tell a story WELL' day. Because I know far too many people who just tell really boring stories I want no part of.

28 Great Poetry Reading Day Really, stop being such a pussy.

28 Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry. That’ll be the sure fire thing to get laid. Don’t we have one of these back in the middle of Febuary?

29 Greenery Day What does this one even mean? We have a couple of earthy days in April already.

29 National Shrimp Scampi Day Forget Hallmark Holidays, this is a Red Lobster manufactured holiday.

30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day -This is a good one, I normally don’t appreciate the hair style I have and just wake up and go. Thank goodness for this holiday to teach me a thing or two about proper hair care.

30 National Honesty Day -Honesty, You want honest? I think all these 'special' days in the month are too much. Now

As you can see April is a dirty dirty used up whore of a month. It has no shame and it’s not even trying anymore. How can all these celebrations come in on the same month? There should be some committee that green lights these things. It’s completely insane to let all these "holidays" squeeze in there. I’m getting boned out of my Birthday by No Housework day?

I’m about to kick you out on your ass and find a new month to be born in. How could you? How could you allow so many to just plant themselves into your month and use it for all it was worth.

Have some self respect. Especially when this isn’t even counting two important days in April. The 15th being Tax deadline and the week of the 19th through the 27th that is freaking Passover. All those days and they forgot Passover?