My Dogs Are Barking

My Dogs Are Barking

The annual Toy Fair International is going on in New York right now. Now, I don't think most people know of this expo, but since I'm a nerd and some part of nerdom is collecting crap that is otherwise considered stuff for little kids, this is information that I just happen to know even though I haven't bought any "action figure" in a very long while.

The nice thing about Toy Fair is that you get a glimpse of the future in the stores. Most of all, you get to see what could potentially be the hot toy for Christmas. Yes, it may only be March, but to the people who are crafting up to take your money, it's already Christmas before Easter ever hits. So perhaps you should take note on this new toy that will be out in time for Christmas as your kids will be asking for it.



Well, I must disappoint you. Scientists have created no such collar. But one of the world’s largest toy companies, Mattel Inc, has made something even better: Puppy Tweets. Yes. You read that right. Twitter. For dogs.

Yes, you read that right. Twitter. For dogs. Well, it's called Puppy Tweets(TM). Yes, that's right. It's a god damn twitter based toy so social networking will be a major part of this useless Pokemon/digi-pet sort of thing. What does it do? Well, dog owners will just die happy now that they realize that their dog will be wearing a collar that randomly tweets into their own Doggie twitter account random things.

Wait. You must be thinking that this will allow your dog to talk or something. Send messages as to his current mood or where he be at, yo. No. No it wont. You should talk to your little child now and clear this up before they have a case of hopeful eyes like I did when I was a little kid and saw Back to the Future II and thought hover boards were just around the corner.

What Puppy Tweets(TM) does is sit on your pets collar and with a tag that has integrated motion and sound sensors on the dog's collar connects to a USB receiver. It comes with easy-to-use software, which is short speak to say that you will more than likely call one of the Geek Squad people over to install this, then after paying that huge tech support bill your dog is now connected to his own Twitter account.



So what does his twitter account do other than take up space on the internet and has all of two followers? It monitors what your dog does, which most likely is sleep, interprets these actions and then sends humorous tweets to the account. It's not reading the dogs mind. It's just randomly coming up with pre-set messages.

What would be the interesting things a dog would even say? Well.. I have no idea. When your daily life consist of sleeping,e eating, pooping, barking at small woodland animals and begging for one of the previous mentioned items.. and sometimes wanting a belly rub, I have no idea what sort of topic this animal can really provide. Here's the examples of the tweets:

"Guess what I'm licking right now?"

Oh boy.. could it be your balls?

"I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and.... OOUUCCH!!"

Well gee, I'm sure glad that I set up my twitter account to follow this..

"I bark because I miss you. There, I said it. Now hurry home."

I can't wait for Kibbles and Bits to team up with them and have the tweets be advertisements. Nothing like your dog tweeting that they want some Kibbles and Bits brand dog food.



This is just the start of it. Mattel Brands President Neil Friedman told the soon to be dead L.A. Times that they think this could be the start of a new wave of products for people to interact with their pets. Again, how is it interacting with your pet? You're looking at your Twitter feed and see that your dog's collar randomly generated a message. Maybe you should have been fucking playing with your dog instead of spending your time online or looking at your phone to see who just tweeted.

So what's the damage to your wallet? $30 seems to get you this randomly tweeting machine you strap around your pet. You know what, don't even bother. With that money you could probably buy your dog some real food that isn't crap ground up and passed as nutritional substances.



Of course Cat owners are beyond pissed at this whole slap in the face by Mattel. Mattel has answered these spinsters call. While they would not say whether Kitty Tweets is on the way, they have said that this is indeed the beginning. Why start with dogs? They said that dogs get into more trouble while their owners are away at work.

This may be true, given the nature of cats to sleep, but just imagine how much extra income your average crazy cat lady has to spend considering she doesn't have any children to spend the money on. Mittens sure would look cute with some stupid tweeting collar.

Either way, these things are stupid plastic toys that are going to do nothing but become boring after all the predetermined generated tweets are cycled through on the twitter account that no one will want to follow no matter how annoying you are in pushing it on others.

But hey, I'm sure your kid will never forgive you if it's not under the tree this year. And if you don't have a pet you know you're also going to be asked for that puppy. So Costco should at least make a two pack of these items.

Halloween Pranks

Halloween Pranks

Well, it's Halloween night. If you're reading this, than you have nothing to do on Halloween night. Way to go, you socially inept person. You do realize that the saying is Trick or Treat. Meaning, if you got yourself some will power from drinking all those Mt. Dew's, you can go out and do a little Tricking.

I suppose I'll start off pretty weak sauce. I don't want you to do anything that's really destructive as you're already socially inept, any law problems and you'll be labeled something of a lost cause.

* Dress up as though you are the inanimate Halloween Decor for your lawn. Example: scarecrow, Frankenstein, etc. Be as still as you can. When someone walks by, jump out and scare the heck out of them. Another idea is to lay flat on the lawn, pretending to be in a grave marked with a tombstone. Imagine their surprise when you rise from the dead!

* Ring doorbell and say "canned goods or meat."

* Get dressed up, knock on door. When person answers, put candy into his bowl.

* Visit friends' houses and write on the mirror with your finger, delivering a scary message such as "I'm watching you!" Breathe on the mirror and you can see your words. Let it dry naturally. When your friend takes a shower, the words will appear again when the mirror fogs up.

* Give away fake, plastic turds for treats.

* Get dressed up so you are unrecognizable. Join a group of trick-or-treaters, preferably some you know. It will drive them nuts not knowing who you are.

* Decorate your yard with all things superstitious. Ladder, black cat, broken mirror, crows. Put the number 13 on your door.

* Dress up in a hospital gown and walk around at night saying "They think I'm crazy, but I'm not. They deserved to die. They can't take me back, etc, etc."

* Dress up, ring doorbell. When someone answers, say "pull my finger."

* Traditional, ring doorbell and run.

* Toilet paper your own yard and accuse someone else of doing it.

* Gather everyone's jack o' lanterns and line them up on the sidewalk in middle of the block.

* Have any college or pro football fans in the neighborhood that like to fly their team flag? Swap it out for a rival team flag and watch the fireworks. (Make sure you return their flag after you get a good laugh.)

* You know those colored dot stickers that can be used for various office purposes or rummage sales? Purchase the dots in two or three colors, preferably red, yellow, and blue. When it's dark outside, stick one dot on the each of your neighbors' front doors. Put one on your own door so that you aren't suspect. The next day will be interesting when neighbors try to figure out what the dots mean and why there are different colors. Those with red dots may get a bit paranoid and think it's some sort of a conspiracy.

With those witty ideas in your hands, you should be able to make a fun Halloween night out of an otherwise boring watching of The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Halloween Costumes 2009

Halloween Costumes 2009

With Halloween only a week away I still don't have any idea what I will be dressed as. Then again, it's this time of year and so far I haven't raged against the Halloween costume marketing machine for only making outfits that have "sexy" in front of them, or for that matter just look completely awful in every way.

I've gotten over the idea of going against the idea of a sexy costume. While it may be an excuse to show off your body, it is exactly that. An excuse to show off ones body. People will be wearing very little to nothing. As a guy I should encourage that. I mean, it is to my benefit to drool over, right? Sure, I could get my girlfriend to wear something "sexy" for such a festive holiday that was once meant for children to receive candy. Though I would hope that she'd be willing to wear that on days that aren't filled with trick or treating and behind closed doors that will only let me enjoy what she's wearing..

But enough about that boasting, let's get on to the real meat and potatoes here. Me bashing Halloween costumes a week before Halloween. I recently stumbled upon a site that offers the worst in costume for hire. It's the Halloween gift that keeps giving when you think about it. These, Ladies and Gentlemen, are the ultimate in Halloween apparel via Dublin Costumes best of the best in truly awful costumes with such classic costumes as:

Binliner Roman!



What child will not like to see their parents dressed as Shrek!




I had to question the usefulness of this one. I mean, is this a Stripper cop? This one looks like they dressed a New York bum in the costume and took his picture in exchange for a sandwich.



Let's not forget the real movie stars that all the kids want to dress as. Namely C3PO!



I assume they are making money off these. Do you remember that Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark story about the scarecrow when you were a kid?



It looks like he came to life and is now called Bob the Builder.



But don't think we're done yet. I don't know if you've heard about this little known War that is taking place in the Stars, but this is what they call a Storm Trooper.



Oh yeah, you'll get mad pussy dressed in that one. But hey, you'll be catching all that booty as a Poke Mon.



See, Poke Mon Monster. So when you tell the ladies what you're dressed as and they don't believe you or just think you're being crude, you show them your clothing tag.

How about this PLANET APE costume. There's no "Of The" in that, by the way. It's like he's judging you. Like if he's better than you.



Fucking Ape.

But who wants to get more tail than this costumed character;



Spreading the good word on wrapping it up for countless years now. Hey, who knows. You may even be able to pick up the hot ladies like this fine honey;



I know, you don't want to dress like a woman. Not even a fat one. Why not a traditional Halloween costume like Batman?



Wait a minute...



When he's alone it's Batman, but with Robin, he becomes Bat Hero? Looks like someone doesn't want to get sued.

Then you have this $1,300 costume of a crow with downs.



http://partywiththis.com/product.php?productid=18906

I mean, that's gotta be money well spent. Though I would gladly wear this next costume to a convention as long as I could spend the whole time getting really close to people and not saying anything.



I wouldn't even have to hold a sign advertising "Free Hugs", they'll be an automatic given with so many arms.

No way will I have to wear this Darth Vader in his juicy couture sweatpants costume.



The force is not with this man. But at least he's not as scary as The Tin Man



It's even more terrifying than seeing him on High Definition Blu Ray.

But let's get back to reality here...



That smile... That smile could seduce Mother Teresa.

Ah, yes. I do remember fondly the story of...



That has to be an error in translation. Why would you want to call it Alice in Wonder Place? I mean, it's not even copyrighted any more. The story is public domain. Don't be scared that Disney will get you. On the other hand, I should take this moment to point out that Alice or Dorothy style dresses.. yeah, those hit the spot just right.

Ok, back to Halloween costumes. Here's Homer groping Marge. Which is really top on my list of awesomely awful costumes.



But this next costume.. I'm not even sure. It's suppose to be considered "Sexy" and all, but I can just imagine having to explain your costume to people, which will get frustrating at a party very quickly.





Who're you supposed to be?
Hot cherry pie.
You're...a pie?
Y-yes?
Why do you have an apron?
Well...'cause...I guess I'm not really a pie, I'm like...a baker...
You do have a crust, though.
I guess it'd be...both, then?
So you're like an amalgam of the pie itself and the person who makes the pie?
That's the closest approximation. Look, is this turning you on or isn't it!?

Then again, it does look like it is made out of Human flesh.



Yeah, I'm not sure anyone wants to go as a Duck with a bladder problem.



Or as Pedo-stach Garfield...er i mean Garfy..



Good Grief! That last costume is just awful. Why doesn't Snoop Dog have a microphone? That clearly isn't the D-o- double G that we're all used to.

In the end, it really doesn't matter what you dress up as Halloween. It's a holiday that is mainly for kids and those who want to continue being a kid. I'm reaching my 30's. and I suppose I shouldn't really care what I'm dressed as, right? As long as there's plenty of "Sexy ______" around that aren't tired of being a kid.. or at least slutty looking to provide as visual treats, then perhaps it would be a typical Halloween in the City of Angels.

MILK by Edgar Allen Poe

MILK by Edgar Allen Poe

I ran across this while doing some research on another blog and I couldn't help but give it some attention. Yes, while it's true that I don't give the people I love enough or proper attention, I do want to give much love out to this one fake review of some Milk written by Edgar Allen Poe.



By Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: IX

A Picture That Needs 1000 Words: ??

You know the drill, I toss together a bunch of words for a silly picture. You laugh and get some insight on something insignificant and then carry on with your day while I add another padding to my blog count. Woooo hooo, One a day!

In any event, here's today. Journey into Space fun!



Oh the innocence of space back in the early days of space exploration. I guess the idea is sound, build a space elevator. Why not. I mean, it's not like there isn't a lot of things to do in space, right? Usually when you build a bridge or an easier method to get somewhere, you'd have something to actually do on the other side. Not in this case, no sir! You get up there and then what? You have no air, you're going to get hit by an asteroid and you'll more than likely face space invaders.

What's funny about this picture is that it's in Williamsburg, Virginia. I mean, I've visited there and there was nothing there. In fact, it had to deal with more coal mines than anything else. So I guess it's only fitting that a place booked up with poor economy and a bunch of elevators that go deep into the ground would be all for an elevator that goes to space.

But then you have to remember that it would not be good to build a space elevator that far up on the map. Don't you have to build an elevator into space at the equator? And who wants that? It's only the shitty countries that are on the equator and you'd soon be mugged before you ever get on the thing and press the top floor.

I'm not much of an elevator person either. Can we just make it a space escalator? That way I can stand but not have to move. I don't think I'd be up for walking up the stairs and in the event that the elevator breaks down, at least you can walk up the escalator steps like they were stairs to get back down.

The Grim Reality Portrayed in Urban Lifestyle.According To 50 Cent

The Grim Reality Portrayed in Urban Lifestyle According To 50 Cent

Here we are on Day one of E3. Which is just the mecca of all gaming. It's been a while since I've really been into gaming. I once help run a cyber cafe and well, maybe it was the endless hours of playing counter strike that just made me numb to it all, but I don't have that in me any more. Don't get me wrong, I still play a lot of video games from time to time. But I've found my taste change.

While I'm used to the over the top action and violence in today's gaming world, I still am a bit surprised by the style of games these days. I played the hell out of Grand Theft Auto back in my day, but even I have some limits. So when I saw this game come to light, well, I was just a bit confused on what exactly allowed it to get released:




I'm talking about the above game staring 50 cent. Yes, I too had higher hopes for a product designed for immature and childish adults. Maybe it's the option in the game that allows you to give you more points for randomly cussing more and more. It really comes across as a cheap gears of war where the appeal is that you get to make fifty cents swear while killing arabs.

I mean, I can't exactly figure out who the target audience for this is, maybe it's super white people that have fantasies about how black rappers are all thugs? Maybe it's Republicans? 50 Cent has become an American folk hero similar to Jack Bauer. Every culture in times of war needs it's hero mythology. 50 Cent and Jack are the modern day Achilles and Hercules.



50 cent would be a perfect person for republicans to point to with regards to success in the capitalist system. as you all know musicians make almost no money off of record sales. 50 cent created a typical rap merch empire, but he used that money to buy up vitaminwater because he thought it tasted good and pimped it in all his videos. well coca cola bought it from him for 400 million. Yeah.. that's pretty smart

It really screams of "White people shoot like this, Black people shoot like this" sort of obvious. But color me a little bit let down by this game. This game is not really addressing the sociological factors that makes the modern urban youth commit acts of crime?? It just documents one famous artist's exploits in Iraq??? Very disappointing.



what annoyed me about blood on the sand was that every site was like "LOL CRYSTAL SKULL YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT THAT WACKY 50 CENT'S UP TO THIS TIME!!!" when in actuality this piece of shit's little dress-up fantasy game is extremely disrespectful to the real people who've been killed/injured in Iraq and elsewhere (civilians, soldiers, whatever). You get bonus points for taunting people's corpses in this game. Yeah, pretty sick, alright.

It really is a unealistic portrayal of urban lifestyle in Baghdad. I have to wonder what's 50 cents' worth in inflation-adjusted dollars? And does he kill Damien Hirst there at the end of the trailer? I can't tell and for some reason I actually give a shit. Video game deaths mean a lot to me. I cried like a little bitch during Final Fantasy VII



I may not have first hand experience with the region but i can assure you that 50Cent: Blood in the sand is true to life. I really think this is how I expect Stephen Colbert's middle East comedy tour to resemble.

So what's the point of the game? It seems that 50 cents lost his Jeweled skull and he wants it back. I don't want to be a Arab standing in the way between 50 cents and his jewelery. I mean, clearly he's not believable in this role. He was shot several times in that trailer and did not even retaliate to all those mother-f'ers.



I wonder if anyone actually joined the army because of this stupid game. I'd be amazed if anyone even joined the military afer enjoying America's Army, which goes to a great lengths to glorify the Army. This 50 cents game isn't going to do much there. Anyone dumb enough to join the armed forces would have joined regardless of the game. 50 Cent: Blood on yo hands, yo!

Banner Adding It Up

Banner Adding It Up

For anybody who is a veteran of the internet banner ads are the minuscule distraction and easily ignored when you're surfing the net. I've spent years breezing past the countless banner ads but just recently I've decided to start paying attention for the sake of science. A lot of them are very strange. So in an effort to not have to write much today, I'm showing off some of the stranger ones.



That dino is pretty happy that it's not going to be able to ever purchase a home



I... just don't get it.


I'm sure you'll get a porn star on eHarmony



I got sniped when trying to win the Jesus auctions



You'll put something gay in your mouth



Lose weight... and a couple of skin tones



FREE MONEY! Ask me how?



Now that's just fucked up.



Having a gay time on facebook



Oh yeah.. taking it right



Oh how tragic a banner ad



Someone should really get to the people who link these ads.

So there you have it. Some stupid ads on the internet. I know. what a shock. Carry on

Sea Kittens Are Tasty

Sea Kittens Are Tasty


So Peta is crazy. We all know this. But they've went ahead and kicked it up a notch with this.








Yup. Sea Kittens at their finest.

Peta is still lame as shit and calling them sea kittens is an insult to land kittens. I don't know about you but I could go for some freshly grilled sea kittens right about now. Not the land fish because, well, those are too cute and cuddly. But sea kittens on the other hand.. now those are tasty.

I'm not sure the appeal here. Guess what Peta, now you'll have kids wanting to eat kittens. I would say this will only raise the amount of business Chinatown is going to be getting. Ba-da-doom!

Toss a sea kitten on the grill and enjoy one on me tonight!