The Jokes On You

The Jokes On You

I'm conflicted. On one hand I really hate holidays as a whole because, like I've explained many times, these are sort of celebrations of life you should be doing on a daily basis. Showing emotion and romance for your significant other shouldn't just occur on Valentine's Day. St. Paddy's day is full of amateur drinkers crowding up the bars I typically love to frequent. Then we come to April Fool's Day.

In all truth, I should be happy about this one. It's only SEVEN DAYS before I get older. In terms you can understand, that's how long the scary long haired girl takes to come out of the TV after you've seen that VHS tape.



But I have to say that I hold firm that pull pranks on people should not be limited to just one day out of the year. I love pranks. I sort of had to stop myself because I can pull some mean pranks. I'll tell you, I had to pull my punches because I could come up with some pretty mean shit.

So that's why I really fucking hate the internet on April 1st. These websites put in all this effort for these elaborate pranks (the legend of zelda movie trailer is an example), but they only work once. They don't go away after repeated viewings, so it's the same tired joke over and over again, like someone saying, "Surprise!!!!" a couple dozen times to your face.



It really is a case of April Fool's Day as being a day for assholes and amateurs. Surprise, surprise absolutely nothing you are trying is funny anymore. I mean, even I tried to get in on this and as you can see from the other blog post for the day of random facts that were all lies, it's not really all that witty. Okay, admit it, my random facts were a little witty. But still, I'm trying to make a point here.

One person I talked to was going to call their boss and tell them they quit. How the hell is this an April's fools prank on the boss? What the fuck does he care that you quit? It just doesn't make sense. Another person I talked to about all Fool's day said that last year she made it look to her boyfriend as if she was cheating on him by saying she was in the office but having her co-workers suggest to her boyfriend that she had the day off.

Who the hell does that effect, really? You're making the joke out of yourself and it's not really something you should do. Even if the Boss cares, it's not like he's going to give a fuck when you tell him you're not quitting. The girl's boyfriend will always have it in the back of his head that she is cheating.

I can't wait to see the Ivy League schools prank all those people so hard today when they reject hundreds of thousands of kids and crush their hopes and dreams. Oddly enough, SAT scores are also suppose to hit today for them. Great timing. And you can always count on Starbucks to lead the way to awesomeness...Starbucks... showing us that they're clearly not all that witty. Oh ho! Big coffee cup. Zing! Good only Starbucks..



In the field of internet jokes, there's still some classic. You can check out Youtube. They've introduced a new resolution. Watch videos in ASCII and save on bandwidth cost for them. Goodbye Horses music video is pretty much awesome in ascii. Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy is still creepy as fuck in ascii...

Were you annoyed at the V countdown clock during LOST the other night? I wasn't cause I watched the Canadian feed three hours earlier.. HA HA, LOSERS! Well, anyway, someone took that joke and ran with it and suggest that ABC will do a countdown clock till the series finale of Lost...

Then there's always Google in the news. They had a couple but my favorite is returning the favor to Kansas. You may remember Topeka renamed itself Google for a month in an effort to get wireless for the city.

At 79, Bill Bunten doesn't exactly understand the Internet boom. The Topeka, Kansas, mayor has an e-mail account, he said, but his assistants take care of most of his online communications and tend to search the Web for him.

But Bunten believes so firmly that younger residents of Kansas' capital city will benefit from faster Internet connections that he wants Topeka -- which he describes as a place of many lakes and the site of a burgeoning market for animal-food research -- to change its name for a month.

In a formal proclamation Monday, Bunten announced his city will be known as "Google" -- Google, Kansas.

Well, google is giving back and renamed itself Topeka today..

A change this dramatic won’t happen without consequences, perhaps even some disruptions. Here are a few of the thorny issues that we hope everyone in the broader Topeka community will bear in mind as we begin one of the most important transitions in our company’s history:

* Correspondence to both our corporate headquarters and offices around the world should now be addressed to Topeka Inc., but otherwise can be addressed normally.
* Google employees once known as “Googlers” should now be referred to as either “Topekers” or “Topekans,” depending on the result of a board meeting that’s ongoing at this hour. Whatever the outcome, the conclusion is clear: we aren’t in Google anymore.
* Our new product names will take some getting used to. For instance, we’ll have to assure users of Topeka News and Topeka Maps that these services will continue to offer news and local information from across the globe. Topeka Talk, similarly, is an instant messaging product, not, say, a folksy midwestern morning show. And Project Virgle, our co-venture with Richard Branson and Virgin to launch the first permanent human colony on Mars, will henceforth be known as Project Vireka.
* We don’t really know what to tell Oliver Google Kai’s parents, except that, if you ask us, Oliver Topeka Kai would be a charming name for their little boy.
* As our lawyers remind us, branded product names can achieve such popularity as to risk losing their trademark status (see cellophane, zippers, trampolines, et al).

Which is odd because whenever I think of Topeka, I can only think of one thing...



Then there's always the go-to April Fools joke that is clearly not more than 10 years old now... in that you can always count on Duck Nukem...

So maybe I should pull out a couple of these tasteful and tactical April Fool's Jokes so you amateurs can learn a thing or two...

-Put tape over the bottom of your co-worker's optical mouse so that it doesn't work when moved.

-Make a fake desktop on their computers. Basically hit Print Screen to capture all the normal icons that are up there. Then go into the file and make that image the background/wallpaper. Now take all their shortcut icons and put them in a folder so that the desktop looks like it normally would but clicking on anything doesn't do shit.

Or you could just make it look like their computer is fucked up.

nuff said.

-I've always been a fan of the rubber band wrapped around the sprayer handle on the kitchen sink.

- A thin but tight layer of saran wrap over the toilet bowl does the trick

- Nothing is more fun than Clippy.. so bring him to the party non stop!

- Super glue a couple of quarters to the ground and see who will sit there trying to pull them up.

- You can be one of the millions of people to use Facebook and pretend to Break up/ Get Engaged / Married on April 1st.... Then again, you could be the only person NOT to do this also.

- If you have a friend who wont kill you for it, post their phone number on craigslist casual encounters. At least you'll be helping a friend get laid.

So there you have it. Some of the internet and my personal favorites. Try not to be a complete amateur about it. If you don't think your joke will be funny.. chances are.. well fuck it. More than likely your prank will NOT be funny and you're still going to do it regardless of what I say. Maybe you could be clever about it.

Plenty of Taxation With Maybe Some Representation?

Plenty of Taxation With Maybe Some Representation?

Oh man, it's almost that time of the year. TAX TIME! WOOOO HOOOO! Only a week after my birthday I get the great gift of having to pay the government. Just a reminder that four months out of the year you work in slavery to the government. So I guess it's only fitting that it's only four months into the year that you have to pay them your tax due.

Then again, every day of the year you use something the government built. So perhaps four months of your time isn't that bad. Still, some may say that it's just a form of slavery. You just need to remember to mentally reduce your salary by a third when doing any planning for your money.



I guess the idea that debt is slavery comes from the fact that we are all in debt via the federal reserve. Taxation is just the debt collector. Just remember that 70% of wealth in the US is inherited so the argument that taxation is not only dumb, but actually kind of offensive. How dare they take my money! I worked ard to be a CEO's son!

I do think that the most slap in the face thing though is that TaxAct has a little thing at the bottom where it tells you where your tax dollars went. Apparently the givernment will use $2100 of my money on the military. Fuck!



I would be more for supporting a 50% tax rate if we cut the defense budget by 2/3 and put the rest into housing, food, college and all healthcare. But then again, we could maintain the current tax rate and get all those things without 2/3 of the defense budget.

I guess I should just be content that with every dollar you get back in your tax return, it's one less dollar used to kill brown people.



Most of all, why do people do their taxes so early? I always hold off until April because I'm lazy. It comes from a long line of laziness. I grew up seeing my dad ask for an extension around April 14th. Then he would wait till October to actually do them.

One thing that I never really understood was rebates. Does the IRS just deliberately overcharge, make some interest on my money and then give it back to you as a kindness? Not entirely, but because of the progressive tax scale its difficult to gauge how much you owe at a certain point in the year so they use the standard deductions and withhold a certain amount. It's all about the Government making interest on it all year. So much so that I've heard tea partiers urge people to claim zero so the feds don't make interest on their money.



The W4 you fill out that sets your estimated tax isn't very accurate and also if the IRS thinks you deliberately underpaid you can get in big trouble. And make no mistake, the IRS is serious in the business of filing against those they believe are not paying the government their share. The IRS has taken down more crooks than the FBI. If you want to destroy a political opponent you use the IRS. See, for example, FDR.

While the US was founded by tax protesters, so not liking taxes may be American as it gets, but remember that it was Taxation without representation. You can stump me by simply telling me that there's not a single person in congress that represents you. They're all owned by corporations.



Not to mention that this article in Tax Analyst showed an interesting finding:

The incomes of the top 400 American households soared to a new record high in dollars and as a share of all income in 2007, while the income tax rates they paid fell to a record low, newly disclosed tax data show.

In 2007 the top 400 taxpayers had an average income of $344.8 million, up 31 percent from their average $263.3 million income in 2006, according to figures in a report that the IRS posted to its Web site without announcement that were discovered February 16. (For the report, see Tax Analysts Doc 2010-3372 .)

Highlights of that 2007 report include:

* Top 400 earners in America earn ~$345 million per year
* Effective tax rate has fallen to its lowest ever at 16.62%
* Daily income is $945,000 for top 400
* TWO-THIRDS of Americans pay more in Social Security and Medicare taxes
* Since 1992, the top 400 earners have seen their incomes increase by 399%
* Bush shut down the "top 400" report
* Three hedge fund managers made 3 billion fucking dollars in 2007
* Capital gains are taxed at just 15% but account for 66.3% of income

the main highlight?

Burn America to the fucking ground

Fools Come Out All Day

Fools Come Out All Day

Well today is the day. The day we celebrate being an idiot. Happy April fools. Get it out of your system cause I don't want any of that shit near my birthday. It's bad enough it always has to be seven days apart from it.

I'm not much for April fools day. I have the same mentality on this festive holiday as I do Valentines day. Why do something on a day EVERYONE is expecting it done? Isn't the element of surprise a big factor in most any prank? I used to be a pretty good prankster in my day. I would really get people good. Oh man, I was pretty fucking evil. But those days are behind me.

It's also good to know who you're pranking. A little word of advice, don't pull a prank on your boss. You would like to keep you job. Likewise don't pull one over on your significant other. You don't want to have the joke come back to you in the form of no sex.

Since I know you fuckers aren't very creative, here's some helpful advice on pranks you can pull on others.

- Salt on toothbrush.
I'm a sucker for the classics. This will offer a little burn if they don't take care of their gums and even if they do, it wont be a good feeling.

- Get over the counter mouth numbing agent and mix it with the filling of Oreo Cookies
This is a good way to see who is eating all your Oreos at work and a nice way to fuck with them. It'll also numb their mouth so they wont be able to talk for the next hour or so.


I'm not even sure what this adds up to but I really want to see the prank in action

- Set the autocorrect on office to replace '.' with ', bitch.'

- Slip some methylene blue into the coffee of a coworker
Every time they go take a piss it'll be blue. You also wont kill them, so that's a bonus.

- Keep it simple and use a rubber band to lock a kitchen sink sprayer hose on.
Oh the fun to bad had when they turn on the faucet and the water comes right at them. Bonus points if they're wearing a white shirt.


Save this as the desktop of your friends computer.

-Take a crap in the kitty liter box and wait for someone to find it.
Add to the laugh factor by eating corn the day prior. Confusion all around.

- Get a Doe-in-heat and Fox Urine stuff they have in the hunting section at Wal-Mart.
Replace it with your buddies cologne or aftershave.. Instant success.

- Tell your significant other that you are pregnant.
Ok, it only will confuse mine if I told them that but if I was a woman I would so fake a pregnancy.

You can always do the flower/hairdryer trick

Ah yes, a classic

-Stage your own murder.
I'm going to stage my own murder, but let it "accidentally" slip to my co-workers and friends such that they think that they're on to my prank. Then, on April fools day, they'll find the murder scene of me lying dead, walk up and poke at me, laugh and such, and then figure out very slowly that I'm really dead.

The prank will get better as police ask questions as to why they screwed with a crime scene, and why they didn't report it if they had hints of my impending murder. If I do this right, I can plant evidence on one of them beforehand and get them on trial for my "murder."

And for the best possible prank ever pulled....

- Every year, I spend about 2 months telling my friends, family and co-workers about how April fool's is my favorite day of the year since it's the start of MY month. I make comments on how I have the perfect prank for the year, and how certain people are really going to be screwed. When the day finally arrives, I do nothing at all. It's awesome seeing everyone I know on edge and watching their back for a whole day expecting me to screw them over.

So the prank is nothing. Nothing at all but the manufacturing of fear.

So there you go. Some ideas on what to do for this stupid holiday that shadows over my special day. Fuck you, April fools.

Well whatever you decide to do, don't do it to me. Remember, I gave you these ideas just imagine what I can come up or holding back.

Balls in your court, punk.

In Which I Call April A Whore

In Which I Call April A Whore

Now April, this is tough for me. You should sit down for this. It’s sort of hard to say. I like you, I really do. You contain the day that I get one day closer to death. I think I know why April Showers.. it's because you’re out there whoring it up in your whore shoes! This isn’t funny, how could you April? You get around. It’s as simple as that. Oh, don’t play innocent with me. I have the proof. Let’s look at all the things you allow to take place as 'National' holidays or at the very least days of importance.

April has these month long celebrations.

Month:

• National Humor Month - Ha ha, no shit, April fools starts the month off, do we need it to be all month long? I have no idea how much Rick rollin' I could take
• International Guitar Month - I’ll go get my Guitar hero and we’ll rock it
• Keep America Beautiful Month - Earth day doesn’t cover this how?
• Lawn and Garden Month -Dogs have to have some place to piss, right?
  
• National Grilled Cheese month -Okay, I like cheese, I’ll let this one slide. DOWN MY THROAT! OOOOH YEAH!
  
• Poetry Month - Oh get this! Get the fuck out of my month!
• National Pecan Month - Cause everyone likes a nut.
• National Welding Month - Wait.. what?
• Records and Information Management Month -... I just don’t know how to bash this one.
• Stress Awareness Month - Which, oddly enough causes even more stress in itself.
  
• Sexual Assault Awareness Month - This one makes sense, as it feels my month was just raped.
• Alcohol Awareness Month - Yeah, I’m aware of it, now pour me a drink
  
• Child Abuse Prevention Month - I think every month should be this. Just saying.
  
• National Donate Life Month -So you’re not suppose to kill someone, I take it.
  
• National Kite Month - I like kites, I don’t think they deserve a month.
  
• National Car Care Month - Stop treating your car like shit, please.
  
• National Occupational Therapy Month -Scientologist need not apply.
  

You also have these celebrations that weren’t good enough to last the month. So you only get them for one quarter of the time.

Weekly Celebrations:

• Week 1 Library Week -Libraries, Not just for bums on the internet!
  
• Weekend 1 Alcohol-free weekend - Yeah, no thanks, I want to get drunk before my birthday.
  
• Week 1 Read a Road Map Week. -How about getting on the open road?
• Week 2 Garden Week -Already covered in the stupid month long thing
• Week 3 Organize Your Files Week -Data entry wasn’t enough?
• Week 3 Medical Labs Week -sure.. why not.
• Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week -Data entry sure likes to spread themselves this entire month, don’t they?
• Week 4 National Karaoke Week - Which is odd since the month starts off with an alcohol free weekend only to end with an activity that needs as much alcohol as possible.
  
• Week 4, National TV-Turnoff week - What? Crazy talk. This is my month and as someone who makes his bread and butter off TV, it’s not going off!
  

And while all those long term celebrations are enough to make you question the moral standards of the month, we get to the real reason why April is such a whore. Sometimes it even has more than one celebration per day. Here’s the list of the official days as well as what silly meaning they hold. .

Each Day:

1 April Fool’s Day - Yes, we all get it. It’s the day you can prank someone when they most likely expect it. Hey, how about this, pull a prank on someone on March 31st or April 2nd, that’ll be a real surprise.

1 International Tatting Day I thought this was tattooing at first but then realized it wasn’t that cool.

2 Children’s Book Day I guess this one is alright. It’s not the worse on the list.

2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Did this really need a full day? It’s a sandwich. Maybe just keep it to a National lunch holiday.

2 Reconciliation Day Who cares if they cheated on you with your sister, the day commands you to reconciliate.

3 Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day - we know your decision. This should just be an offical ditch day.

3 Tweed Day What the hell?

4 Hug a Newsman Day Did Harold Greene create this holiday up? John Beard perhaps? Both of those need a hug after getting fired/losing their job.

4 National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month and really ignored in any city. Hell, even folks in he country can’t walk to work.

4 Walk Around Things Day you mean like you do every other day of the year?

4 School Librarian Day pfft, they don’t have to deal with the bums like real Librarians.

4 Tell a Lie Day The lie is that this is a holiday

5 Go for Broke Day Or just stay broke today.

6 Plan Your Epitaph Day - a little morbid if you ask me. But shit, better to be safe than sorry.

6 Sorry Charlie Day What does this one mean? You have to say sorry to every charlie you see?

7 Caramel Popcorn Day - Most likely created by a popocorn maker, or an Ecard company. Either way, you’ll pop if you don’t celebrate it.

7 No Housework Day Most home makers celebrate this day every day of the year.

7 World Health Day We can’t even get health care down for the U.S., let’s not try to get the whole world covered just so easily.

8 All is Ours Day I have no clue. I seriously have no clue.

8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day seriously, what?

9 Name Yourself Day wait.. what?

9 Winston Churchill Day Ok, I can buy this one. The man was great

10 Golfer’s Day Because golfers need another day off to play golf?

10 National Siblings Day I’m not sure what you do here. It’s like the Mother/Fathers day for your siblings, I guess.

11 Eight Track Tape Day - do you remember those? Why would anyone?

11 Barbershop Quartet Day Celebrate something you only see at Disneyland!

12 Big Wind Day - this day blows.

12 Russian Cosmonaut Day fuck that, we beat them to the moon, sure they shot a dog into space and broke orbit, but we staged the moon landing, so give us the credit!

13 Blame Someone Else Day Who do I blame for these stupid holidays?

13 Scrabble Day Ok, I can get behind this one. Simply because I play the game. But do you need a national holiday to play it?

14 Ex Spouse Day Cause you needed a day to celebrate dumping their deadbeat ass.

14 International Moment of Laughter Day Other nations are laughing at this and our other stupid holidays.

14 Look up at the Sky Day - don’t you have anything better to do?

14 National Pecan Day Sometimes you feel like a nut, and that’s because you celebrate days like this

14 Reach as High as You Can Day This is a day to celebrate what exactly?

15 Rubber Eraser Day Someone should rub this day off the calender.

15 Titanic Remembrance Day Do not play that stupid song, do not play that stupid movie. Just no. Seriously, no!

16 National Eggs Benedict Day You have to have eggs to celebrate this day.

16 National Librarian Day They deserve a round of applause for kicking out so many homeless after taking too much time on the internet access there.

16 National Stress Awareness Day Don’t stress out about missing this day.

17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day I.. am confused. So is there a yadda yadda yadda day?

17 National Cheeseball Day Ok, I’ll support this day because I like cheese balls. To Hot Wings!

18 International Juggler’s Day - also applies to multi tasking office workers, which is stupid. Really, who doesn’t juggle a lot of things at once? People who celebrate stupid days like this one, that’s who.

18 Newspaper Columnists Day And if you’re at the LA Times, just be thankful you have a job.

18 Pet Owners Independence Day So do you let your animals run free?

19 National Garlic Day Fuck you Basil, Kiss my ass sea salt!

20 Look Alike Day In SoCal, every day looks alike with any other day. Sunny and in the 70’s.

20 Volunteer Recognition Day And if you’re getting recognition for volunteering, you’re not volunteering, you’re getting payment in the form of recognition. So yeah, this is like celebrating the unknown soldier’s day as Bob’s day.

21 Kindergarten Day Cause nothing says party like busting out the chips and kool-aid.

21 Patriot’s Day - third Monday of the month and really, we wouldn’t want the terrorist to win.

22 Girl Scout Leader Day So buy some over priced fattening cookies on this day.

22 National Jelly Bean Day And another food celebration day. This time for candy. FOR CANDY! I can understand Halloween but not this. Not this at all!

23 Lover’s Day I’m just confused as to why we need this day.

23 National Zucchini Bread Day - they hold this at a time when you are not sick
of all that zucchini. But then again, who really wants Zucchini anyway?

23 Take a Chance Day So what makes this day any different than any other? Like Valentine’s day, everyday you should be taking a chance at something. If you aren’t, then you’re really missing out.

23 World Laboratory Day NERDS!

12 Astronomy Day - Even as a space nerd I can’t stand behind this.

24 Pig in a Blanket Day We have to stop celebrating food days.

25 East meets West Day So.. what does this celebrate again?

25 World Penguin Day what?

26 Executive Admin’s Day (Secretary’s Day) I like how they had to change it because Secretary is not PC enough.

26 Hug an Australian Day No. Seriously. No! Just give them a fosters and let them talk about how it’s not really good beer from down under and how you need to drink the queen’s beer or some shit.

26 National Pretzel Day Another Holiday created by corporate America.

26 Richter Scale Day This is a Holiday? When’s 'Radiation ticker' day?

27 Babe Ruth Day So grab a bat, chug a lot of alcohol and take a couple of swings. Babe would be proud.

27 National Prime Rib Day Now this, I can get behind.

27 Tell a Story Day This should be changed to 'Tell a story WELL' day. Because I know far too many people who just tell really boring stories I want no part of.

28 Great Poetry Reading Day Really, stop being such a pussy.

28 Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry. That’ll be the sure fire thing to get laid. Don’t we have one of these back in the middle of Febuary?

29 Greenery Day What does this one even mean? We have a couple of earthy days in April already.

29 National Shrimp Scampi Day Forget Hallmark Holidays, this is a Red Lobster manufactured holiday.

30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day -This is a good one, I normally don’t appreciate the hair style I have and just wake up and go. Thank goodness for this holiday to teach me a thing or two about proper hair care.

30 National Honesty Day -Honesty, You want honest? I think all these 'special' days in the month are too much. Now

As you can see April is a dirty dirty used up whore of a month. It has no shame and it’s not even trying anymore. How can all these celebrations come in on the same month? There should be some committee that green lights these things. It’s completely insane to let all these "holidays" squeeze in there. I’m getting boned out of my Birthday by No Housework day?

I’m about to kick you out on your ass and find a new month to be born in. How could you? How could you allow so many to just plant themselves into your month and use it for all it was worth.

Have some self respect. Especially when this isn’t even counting two important days in April. The 15th being Tax deadline and the week of the 19th through the 27th that is freaking Passover. All those days and they forgot Passover?