Getting Away From Point A

What the hell is wrong with transportation in America? We're the greatest nation on the planet. We built The Hoover Dam, the atom bomb, and invented Big Mac, and yet we can't build or maintain transportation infrastructure that is not ridiculously expensive, uncomfortable, or slow.

Let's say you have to go somewhere. No wait, that's not right. Let's say your father has to go somewhere. He has a business meeting in some other state and he works to keep his deadbeat son alive. He can't tell you to get out of the house because he isn't that kind of guy and he knows that if he did his only son would be sucking dick in an alley somewhere in exchange for credits in World of Warcraft. He goes to bed every night wondering what he did wrong raising you all those years.

So anyway, your dad is going on a business trip. What type of transportation is he going to take? That depends on how long, painful, and expensive he wants it to be.

By Car

The hot button issue these days is gasoline prices. Dad can't understand why he has to spend so much on gas while sand African Americans in those loser countries are getting rich because they happen to fart crude oil. Every night at family dinner time, an event that mom has to pry you away from your guild raid to attend, dad bitches about gas prices and how we should nuke those sand African Americans off the face of the planet and take all their oil.

At this point dad is already pretty pissed about his drive to meet with some jackass who runs a box factory so he can talk about merging synergy paradigms or some bullshit just to earn a paycheck and keep his loser son off the streets. Despite the high cost of gas, driving is still a pretty awful experience.

Some states have passed hands-free cell phone laws in order to make driving safer. You can still text and talk on the phone, as long as you don't put the phone up to your ear. Balancing it on your knee and trying to figure out how to enable speaker mode at 90 MPH is a much safer way to talk while driving. And the only reason he has to use the phone is to call that jackass at the box factory to let him know he's going to be late because he hit bumper-to-bumper traffic, which gives him time to think about what a disappointment his son is.

By now dad is getting pretty tired from all the stress driving, his career, his fat wife, and his pockmarked son give him. He's starting to nod off. He's unable to keep his eyes on the road. Just a couple seconds to rest his eyes won't hurt. He's slipping into slumber and BAM! Dad is dead. Slammed head on into the center divider. All because he didn't use a condom.

To avoid such a tragic fate, dad should weigh his options for his business trip, or invent a time machine, go back 28 years, and push his newlywed wife down a flight of stairs.

The reason why my grandfather stopped flying.

By Plane

In order to fly dad will have to arrive at the airport three hours early just to catch his flight and it will be delayed another three hours because of rogue fleas hijacking the plane. Before boarding he will be subjected to all manner of probing and prodding by airport security. He will exclaim, "Hey! I'm no towel head! Why are you searching me?! Spread open Ali Baba's buttcheeks over there instead!" nine times before he actually gets to his seat.

The stress of flying is causing dad's blood pressure to rise dramatically. There are screaming babies. A kid is kicking his seat. His business expense account only covers the cost of a coach seat. He could have afforded an upgrade to first class but his son runs five separate PCs to play five separate characters in five different MMOs, which makes for a very high electricity bill. This makes dad so mad that he wants to strangle his son and break his computers, but he remembers how his dad used to beat him and he swore he would never turn into that kind of father.

During the flight his leg will cramp up and a clot will form because of the cramped conditions, stopping the flow of blood to his heart and triggering a heart attack. The plane will be forced to make an emergency landing in Delaware, but not before he is pronounced dead in the air. All because he didn't use a condom.

By Train

Before the weight of the world, and the weight of his wife, crushed his dreams, dad used to take the train with his family when he was a kid, back when that sort of thing was still in vogue. The memories from that bygone era instilled in him a sense of nostalgia, so he decided to take the train to his big business meeting with that son of a bitch at the box factory.

The agency that runs national rail operations in the United States is Amtrak, which stands for complete and utter shit. Amtrak is mostly subsidized by the government and railfans. About half the people riding on Amtrak trains aren't really going anywhere for any particular reason. They are old farts with a pension and too much time on their hands, and white trash.

Well, they get an A for effort.

But it was comfortable. Dad's coach class seat was like a first class seat on a plane. He could get up, walk around, and shake out the clots in his legs. The gentle rocking motion of the train helped him fall asleep, and he dreamed of the time he tried to connect with his loser son. Dad bought him a video game that they could play together, but it was the wrong game, and his son yelled at him for buying it and chastised him for being so lame. It was The Incredible Hulk, and it wasn't even two-player, but dad didn't know that and the guy at the store never told him.

Dad awoke with a shudder and tried to figure out how much further it would be to his destination. They were supposed to be in Chicago an hour ago and they were only in Galesburg. Knowing that he would be late for the meeting and lose the big account and be fired, dad retreated to the lavatory and hanged himself with his own belt. As his brain was deprived of oxygen, his last thoughts were of his son and how he failed him. He was discovered at Chicago Union Station and pronounced dead at the scene. All because he didn't use a condom so many years ago.

Maybe I'm overstating the effects of America's transportation infrastructure on white-collar guys with fat wives and disappointing sons who would rather go on a dungeon raid than a panty raid. But the fact is, America's transportation options will kill you without remorse.

The Solution?

How do we fix it? First of all, don't have kids. For every Heisman Trophy winner sperm in your balls there are a million unemployed loser sperm. Every time you screw a fat girl with low self-esteem without a condom you're playing Russian roulette with your dick, only instead of bullets, it shoots out a lifetime of misery.

Otherwise, dad would do well for himself to vote for better transportation options in America. Tell dad to write his congressman and demand electrified trains, nuclear power, and legalized marijuana. These three things will fix most, if not all, of the problems in this country.

I once asked my grandfather what trains were like when he was a kid and he told me, "I'll tell ya, kid, they sucked then and they suck now. And fuck you for asking." Then I asked him why trains suck and he told me, "We drop the bomb on these Jap bastards and 20 years after the war is over they're building bullet trains through rice paddies and soy sauce. Give me the good ol' American highway system over some nip train, kid. Now get the hell out of my sight before I beat the queer out of you!"

I'm more attracted to this map than I am to most women.

As my grandpa demonstrated, trains have not been thought highly of in the United States. They are outdated and slow, unable to compete with the automobile, jet, Power Wheels, or personal canine transport. The only thing close to a high speed train, the Acela Express, has been heralded as the next generation of rail travel but in reality it runs on last generation's TGV technology. Amtrak bought that train at France's garage sale and runs it on depression-era tracks.

The Federal Railroad Administration has designated several corridors where high speed rail service might flourish. Of course, there's no money to build any of these lines, but hey, that map still gives me a boner.

The only high speed rail corridor that stands a chance of getting built within the next 50 years is in California. This November all eyes will be on Proposition 1, which would provide roughly 10 billion dollars to start construction on a high speed rail line between Los Angeles and San Francisco. If Proposition 1 passes, and it won't, it may pave the way for high speed corridors in other states. One day we may even surpass countries such as Spain, China and Turkey when it comes to high speed trains!

In order to power all these crazy trains we'll need nuclear power plants. France is 70% nuclear and has not become a smoldering crater, so it pains me to see stupid hippies get up in arms about nuclear power because I'm pretty sure France still exists.

Nothing has been more damaging to nuclear power's image in America than The Simpsons, probably because people are stupid. We have plenty of space to store volatile nuclear waste and a few deformed babies are a small price to pay for 220 MPH trains speeding between our nation's crime-ridden whore-infested metropolises. As Tim Allen would say, we need more power!

And finally, legalize marijuana. Because let's face it, you may have ridden a bullet train in your life, but you have you ever been on a bullet train... on weed???

Now there's something dad and his hopeless son can finally enjoy together.

The Dark Knight Returns

Tragedy struck earlier this year when a laser-guided karma missile veered off course, missing Mary-Kate Olsen's New York apartment by mere feet and taking the life of Heath Ledger, who had by all accounts been a terrific guy that never inflicted pain upon another soul through the release of direct-to-DVD movies about ponies and fashion.

As the news of Ledger's death spread, most people felt pretty bummed out that a nice young guy with a lot of talent had lost his life. A few dozen jerks took a break from their full time jobs of dying bitter and alone to proclaim that this was their kind and just God's way of punishing the actor for his role in Brokeback Mountain. Most disturbing of all, however, were the neckbeards whose immediate concern was the effect that Ledger's death would have on the production of The Dark Knight.

Their nasally-voiced concerns were quelled by an announcement that Ledger had already completed his work as the Joker in principal photography, and that the tragedy would have no impact on post-production. After catching a screening of the film, however, I think that actor's death presented more problems than the studio let on.

Don't get me wrong, The Dark Knight is fantastic. For two hours it had me enthralled, temporarily forgetting the Mamma Mia! mania that had captivated my soul and the imaginations of audiences worldwide. The moving tale of a young woman's Abba-themed wedding and the three men that simultaneously pumped her carefree and independant mother full of semen regained control of my life when The Dark Knight's end credits rolled, of course, but providing a momentary distraction from such a cultural phenomenon is quite an achievement.

That said, there were a few details in the movie that seemed... peculiar. It's entirely possible that these were simply artistic decisions that had been planned from the beginning, but the cynic in me wonders if they were last-minute fixes for scenes that Heath Ledger had not been able to film.

After the Joker delivers his first line of dialogue, he relaxes while someone off-camera says, "Great audition, perfect! This screen test is pretty much just a formality."

On several occasions, Brandon Lee's stunt double stands in as The Joker, wearing the same costume and makeup that he wore in The Crow.

During one of the Joker's lenghier monologues, the frame clearly pauses (note the screen's jumpiness and a pause icon in the top right corner) as Heath Ledger's voice is replaced mid-sentence by Morgan Freeman's impersonation of the Joker.

Every shot of the Joker concludes in slow motion with a fade to black and somber violin music.

At one point, Commissioner Gordon runs into his office and snatches up the red phone on his desk. "Batman," he gasps, "the Joker has taken over a Gotham Transit zeppelin and is heading straight toward Wayne Tower! Hurry!"

Dramatic music swells as an establishing shot from the steet level pans up toward a zeppelin weaving through Gotham's skyscrapers. A cloud of bodies and dollar bills spill out from the aircraft, raining down on the city below. The camera begins to ascend, getting closer and closer to the blimp.

Commissioner Gordon, now wearing a different jacket and absently pulling at the corner of a longer mustache, picks up the red phone again. "Never mind that Joker situation, we just got a call that someone's bicycle got stolen. Hurry!"

Christian Bale is visibly ashamed in one profile shot as he converses face-to-face with the Joker, who suddenly resembles director Christopher Nolan's hand with a coat of white paint topped off by a tiny green wig.

At one point, the Joker is being treated at the Arkham Asylum. His doctor explains that part of his neurosis comes from sleep depravation, and that he has something that will help. Just as the doctor produces a bottle of pills from his coat pocket and begins to hand them over, the scene abruptly ends.

During a daring bank robbery, the Joker morphs into a CGI werewolf and fights a dragon.

The entire second act of the film consists of Batman finding notes left by the Joker telling the hero to meet him at various locations, followed by Batman showing up and realizing he's been stood up.

The Joker's theme music, originally reported to be a swelling and eclectic Danny Elfman tune, is "Time Of Your Life" by Green Day.

The film's climactic battle sequence between Batman and the Joker is just a loop of Batman falling down a flight of stairs that lasts for twelve minutes, occasionally interspersed with a brief clip of the Joker laughing in the jail scene from earlier in the film. This fight ends with an abrupt cut of Batman kicking the Joker over a previously unseen waterfall at a different time of day.

After the Joker cleverly escapes death and establishes his imminent return in the next Batman film, a claymation model of the villain steps into a bear trap and screams for several minutes as it bleeds to death.

The Happening ; Not Happening

It's a little late now. What with it being a couple weeks past when this piece of turd was released. But much like the UN needs to spend years removing landmines from Cambodia, I feel the need to warn anyone going for a night out at the movies and having everything sold out with the only option being The Happening from stepping on such an explosion of suck. It's my public service the court is forcing me to complete. Trees. Trees are what is causing everyone to kill themselves in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. I can reveal this to you with no ill effects on my miserable, shriveled conscience because nothing can alter the Official Enjoyment Level derived from this film, which will remain at a pleasantly constant zero.


What I hoped for.

I knew going in that this movie was about killer trees, yet somehow I still had high hopes. I mean, it could be cool, couldn't it? Maybe a Hitchcock-esque "The Trees," wherein bloodthirsty sycamores swoop from the heavens and gouge out the eyeballs of their unsuspecting victims. Heck, even those who don't appreciate the true horror of a coniferous forest can acknowledge that mass suicide could be pretty damn scary.

Or so you'd think. Maybe it would have been better if Shyamalan had made his explanation for Treemageddon more believable than "there is a SINGLE CHEMICAL in your brain that keeps human beings from shoving the nearest garden implement into their eye sockets, and the EVIL TREE GAS tuns it off." As it stands, though, large groups of bored-looking people finding increasingly creative ways to off themselves proves to be more comical than scary. Maybe I'm a horrible person for cackling like a schizophrenic when a quarter of New England commuters played Pass the Handgun, or for giggling spastically when a man skipped into an zoo enclosure housing the critically endangered Bad CGI Lion, but the rest of the packed audience seemed toshare in my mirth. Yes, there's gore, but from the start it's tedious instead of shocking, calling to mind more images of Hot Fuzz than Nightmare on Elm Street.

There's also plenty of bad to go around in The Happening that is not tree-related. For one, the dialog is almost unimaginably atrocious. I don't know what planet M. Night Shyamalan is from, but people on this side of the asteroid belt do not casually remark such things as "THIS IS ALL SOME WEIRD EVENT!" while everyone is dying in droves. The acting is terrible as well, although I suppose one can't blame it on the actors, considering the spaceman-talk they had to work with. Wait, let me blame one: I never want to stare into Zooey "What. Kind of. Terrorists." Deschanel's glazed cataracts of the living dead ever again. Yes sweetie, I know you don't have the best of scripts to work with here, but that doesn't mean you have to deliver every line like William Shatner after an oak to the frontal lobe. Don't get me wrong. She's amazingly cute. But not cute enough to get a pass for such cardboard acting she did here. The combination of bad writing and bad acting is so overpowering that it is literally impossible to tell when a character's creepy behavior is due to "evil tree-based neurotoxins" or "being in an M. Night Shyamalan movie."

What I got

In case you weren't annoyed enough, the film also enjoys beating you over the head with nonsensical environmentalism. "See, SEE?? Reduce your carbon footprint OR MAYBE THE TREES WILL MURDER YOU." Yet I noticed that the only places the trees attack are those which utilize nuclear power. Now correct me if I've caught The Stupid from this movie, but isn't nuclear power supposed to be really, really clean? Is Shyamalan trying to employ some sort of bizarre reverse-psychology on his audience? Does he really want us to burn down a forest, dancing among the cheerful carbon fumes? I kind of want to lock myself in a garage and leave the car running right now, so maybe it's worked!

But what I found to be the worst thing about The Happening -even worse than its dumb-tarded plot or all of the soulless blue eyes in Arya- is that there is no plot twist. The fact that "it's trees!" is revealed about a third of the way through the movie, and even before that, it's implied enough that I nearly drowned in chlorophyll. Remember the creepily subtle blood-colored doorknob in The Sixth Sense? It's been replaced by a hot dog-obsessed psychopath ranting about petunias, juxtaposed with approximately sixteen billion close-ups from the Evil Leaf-Billowing Cam. I kept waiting for something unexpected to happen, but it's true: M. Night "WHAT A TWIST" Shyamalan has officially made glue out of his one-trick pony. Worse still, it looks like he's huffing it from the director's chair.

A Million Little Bootlegs

A MILLION LITTLE BOOTLEGS

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,364475,00.html

FoxNews Reported:

Associated Press
June 09, 2008
MALAYSIA — Malaysia's plan to use dogs to sniff out pirated DVDs suffered a setback after one of two Labradors trained for the task died of an unknown cause, officials said Monday.

Authorities were investigating the cause of death but did not suspect foul play, said Mohamad Roslan Mahayuddin, an official in the Ministry of Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs.

"We are quite shocked," he said.

Manny, a year-old male, died May 31. It was trained in Ireland with another Labrador, Paddy, to sniff out a chemical used in manufacturing DVDs. They arrived in Malaysia in February and had been training with police officers and getting used to Malaysia's climate.

Malaysia sought to form the world's first permanent canine anti-piracy unit after borrowing two dogs — Lucky and Flo — from the U.S. Motion Picture Association. They helped Malaysian authorities discover 1.6 million pirated DVDs during a six-month stint last year.

Lucky and Flo's success reportedly caused movie pirates to place a bounty on their heads. The dogs cannot distinguish between real and pirated DVDs, but they point officers to hidden caches of discs.

Mohamad Roslan said Malaysia has not yet decided whether to get a new dog to replace Manny.

Manny and Paddy were donated to Malaysia by the Motion Picture Association.

While we mourn the tragic death of Manny, the NARC crime dog of Bootleg world, we must wonder what sort world we live in that would need the use of dogs trained to sniff out bootlegs dvds? I have to admit that I was not always the upstanding citizen you've come to know and love. I was once a slinger on the street. I brought men together with their entertainment addiction. I was a provider of entertainment. People had needs and someone had to be there to fulfill them.

I'm sure if I was around during prohibition I would have been the cause of at least a half dozen cases of blindness. Thankfully I didn't cause that, not unless it was a Telesync or CAM release of a film. Now I share with you a piece from my upcoming book A Million Little Bootlegs. But please, I've paid my dues, I've done the time. No need to judge me

"I needed some money fast and a guy in a bar handed me a small plastic box. Said all I needed to know was they were 'pleasure disks'. I looked at the door and started to get up but he grabbed my arm. He said I looked hungry. I was, I hadn't eaten in days but he also said he could see in my eyes I was hugnry for change. I salivated somewhere deep inside and told myself sometimes less than real men are still men. I picked up a disk and spun it on my finger watching the light bounce off like a cheap disco ball. The thought of contributing to international terrorism was not enough to dissuade me. I piled them up in a black plastic bag and made my way out to the market; only these streets weren't paved with gold. It didn't take long to pick up a crowd of eager buyers trying to score the latest big release. Less than a tenth of the price of a store with a roof over its head I battled on in the wind and cold until my bones ached more than my heart. I had made some money though; I could eat. As the sun went down I started to pack up my wares. There were hardly any disks left. They had been so popular, but the bag still weighed heavily on my soul and my malnurished skeletal body couldn't handle the weight. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone come up to me and I paused my work. Looked to be about 5 or 6, good head of hair, healthy gums. The dude asked if I had any Homeward Bound. Told him I only had the sequel but he said it was enough to 'do the job'. His eyes tightened to slits and he let out a wolfish laugh. I get perverts you know, man. But this guy was something else. He literally picks up the disk and holds it to his nose and sniffs it like some japanese panties. I don't care though, I just want the cash. Dirty money is dirty whoever gives you it, be it the mayor, a thief or some dirty dog. Next thing I know everything turns red and blue and I hear sirens. I'm still hungry."

I'm hoping I make it to some sort of book of the month club with it. But only time will tell..

Man's Tribue To Wile E. Coyote

Man's Tribute To Wile E. Coyote

MSNBC posted:

Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies

DUANESBURG, N.Y. - A 29-year-old man leaped out of a plane at 10,000 feet with a camera but no parachute Saturday. His body was found next to a house with a damaged roof, police said.

Sloan Carafello of Schenectady, who was observing on the flight, followed an instructor, student and videographer out the door, wearing no skydiving gear, officials said.

Police said they did not suspect foul play but would not elaborate.

Robert Rawlins, pilot and owner of the Duanesburg Skydiving Club, said he was flying the single-engine plane and had begun to close the door when Carafello jumped.

His body was found next to a house west of Albany.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25024995/

At this point in the article I would put my witty remarks in but after reading that very brief news piece I could not help but laugh my ass off. Especially in the description on where they found him. Are the roofing conditionsof a house is a marking indicator? I'm sure this wasn't the main point of the article but I have to ask. It says he landed next to a house with a damaged roof. Twice is that reference as if he landed 'besides' the house.

I'm going to go out here on a limb and say he not so much landed 'besides' the house as much as he bounced off the roof when he was reintroduced to planet Earth. I wonder at what point this guy realized he was going to become a permanent fixture in someones yard? Perhaps the last thing that went through his mind was "Oh no, not again." Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why this moron had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

Till then I'll be simply laughing. And really, I'm not sure why I cracked up when I read this article. Especially that piece about where they found him. Oh damaged roof... Perhaps I'm just a terrible person. I mean, was it that difficult to realize that maybe the roof was damaged because someone bounced off it?

Putting the Love into Loveseat

I must admit to you, the reading aduience, I have never had sex with furniture. I'm sure after a couple of drinks..ok, kegs I've considered it. In my moments of weakness a particularly racy standing lamp catches my eye, or I've been drinking harder substances such as paint thinner and I lower my standards to an overstuffed couch, or maybe I'm at that weird furniture shop that sells a chaise lounge that looks exactly like Keeley Hazell.

Come to think of it, the Keeley Lounge might have been part of one of my nightmares. The part right before I realize the thing with no mouth is watching and then... well, let's just say that the alcohol has already calmed me down from the shaking of what those images bring me..

I think it is fair for me to assume that since you are reading this, and by logical conclusion not restrained in a mental hospital, you are also a member of the club that realizes no answer isn't the same thing as "yes" when it comes to our furniture. For the record, no, I'm not counting the time you rubbed up against that chest of drawers and felt funny afterwards. A little credenza frottage never hurt anyone.

Boundaries like "don't have sex with a chair" wouldn't exist if there weren't a handful of pioneers out there willing to take their relationship with Ikea to the next level. Today we salute one such adventurous soul from Bellevue, Ohio, who dared to dream. Who ventured, like icarus, flew up to the sky only to be burned by the sun. Arthur Price then dared to act on that dream and made love to his backyard picnic table.

He likes them round, thin, and rustproofed.

Between January and March of 2008, Arthur was seen by a neighbor having sexual intercourse with the round metal picnic table on his deck. The police found out about this torrid love affair from an anonymous tipster who handed in three DVDs full of the unusual amateur porn. According to the police the DVDs show Price "involved in a sex act in his bedroom" after which he "walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it."

It sounds like an awkward position, but you go out on your deck with your overweight picnic table and try cow table or ottoman style positions. The physics just aren't there for anything other than classic kneeling umbrella hole position.

When confronted with this overwhelming evidence, Arthur admitted to the acts on the DVDs and also confirmed that he "had sex with the table inside the home."

You have to respect that sort of commitment to the relationship with the picnic table. Things get a little boring, always out on the deck, always in the same position.

A guy like Arthur wants to spice things up, maybe flip the table upside down on the living room floor, roll it down into the basement and get kinky by unscrewing some legs, or just go up to the bedroom and try on different tablecloths. It's that sort of adventurousness that can really keep a relationship exciting. Variety, they say, is the spice of life.

I'm not going to sit here in judgment of Arthur. Quite the opposite, I applaud the amount of effort Arthur went to with his beloved picnic table.

A gentle soul like Arthur probably romanced the table before he took the relationship to the next level. He said the right things, overlooked its rust spots, and complimented its umbrella. He cooked a romantic dinner and then ate it on top of the table. He invited his parents over to have a barbecue with his picnic table. You show me a family that sits at the table these days for at least one meal. Arthur had just about every meal with his table.

Nor is a table the easiest inanimate lover you could choose. Arthur could have picked up any old thermos and made love to that instead. Arthur could have seduced the eyehole of a hockey mask. He could have set his sights low and settled for a microwaved cantaloupe.

Arthur Price, might as well face it you're addicted to lawn ware!.

Arthur did none of these things, he refused to settle. He took his love from the bedrooms to the backyard and he wasn't afraid to do it all in plain sight of his neighbors and their DV cameras. He recreated the picnic experience with a sensual twist.

I know, I know, the "Parents" were worried their "kids" might "see" Arthur consummate his love with the table. I argue that kids need to learn about the birds and the patio-ware sooner or later, but okay, I'll concede the point that kids shouldn't watch a man explore the eroticism of his backyard furniture. So why did the snooping neighbors record three DVDs before they handed them over to the cops? Were they just fans of his work? Were they going to start their own website? Three DVDs is a lot of material.

Maybe it isn't Arthur Price that is the problem. Maybe we're the problem. We aren't on the inside looking out, we're on the outside looking in, watching a man share his passion with a table. We're recording three DVDs and then turning them over to the cops. While Arthur is out there risking the elements and a case of the ants, we're in our homes peering at him with scorn.

Arthur faces four counts of public indecency. When he enters the courtroom he is supposed to be judged by a "jury of his peers". I humbly suggest that Arthur Price is peerless.

May his days in prison be filled with Home Depot catalogs. May the guards forget to bolt his bunk bed to the floor.

In Which I Call April A Whore

In Which I Call April A Whore

Now April, this is tough for me. You should sit down for this. It’s sort of hard to say. I like you, I really do. You contain the day that I get one day closer to death. I think I know why April Showers.. it's because you’re out there whoring it up in your whore shoes! This isn’t funny, how could you April? You get around. It’s as simple as that. Oh, don’t play innocent with me. I have the proof. Let’s look at all the things you allow to take place as 'National' holidays or at the very least days of importance.

April has these month long celebrations.

Month:

• National Humor Month - Ha ha, no shit, April fools starts the month off, do we need it to be all month long? I have no idea how much Rick rollin' I could take
• International Guitar Month - I’ll go get my Guitar hero and we’ll rock it
• Keep America Beautiful Month - Earth day doesn’t cover this how?
• Lawn and Garden Month -Dogs have to have some place to piss, right?
  
• National Grilled Cheese month -Okay, I like cheese, I’ll let this one slide. DOWN MY THROAT! OOOOH YEAH!
  
• Poetry Month - Oh get this! Get the fuck out of my month!
• National Pecan Month - Cause everyone likes a nut.
• National Welding Month - Wait.. what?
• Records and Information Management Month -... I just don’t know how to bash this one.
• Stress Awareness Month - Which, oddly enough causes even more stress in itself.
  
• Sexual Assault Awareness Month - This one makes sense, as it feels my month was just raped.
• Alcohol Awareness Month - Yeah, I’m aware of it, now pour me a drink
  
• Child Abuse Prevention Month - I think every month should be this. Just saying.
  
• National Donate Life Month -So you’re not suppose to kill someone, I take it.
  
• National Kite Month - I like kites, I don’t think they deserve a month.
  
• National Car Care Month - Stop treating your car like shit, please.
  
• National Occupational Therapy Month -Scientologist need not apply.
  

You also have these celebrations that weren’t good enough to last the month. So you only get them for one quarter of the time.

Weekly Celebrations:

• Week 1 Library Week -Libraries, Not just for bums on the internet!
  
• Weekend 1 Alcohol-free weekend - Yeah, no thanks, I want to get drunk before my birthday.
  
• Week 1 Read a Road Map Week. -How about getting on the open road?
• Week 2 Garden Week -Already covered in the stupid month long thing
• Week 3 Organize Your Files Week -Data entry wasn’t enough?
• Week 3 Medical Labs Week -sure.. why not.
• Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week -Data entry sure likes to spread themselves this entire month, don’t they?
• Week 4 National Karaoke Week - Which is odd since the month starts off with an alcohol free weekend only to end with an activity that needs as much alcohol as possible.
  
• Week 4, National TV-Turnoff week - What? Crazy talk. This is my month and as someone who makes his bread and butter off TV, it’s not going off!
  

And while all those long term celebrations are enough to make you question the moral standards of the month, we get to the real reason why April is such a whore. Sometimes it even has more than one celebration per day. Here’s the list of the official days as well as what silly meaning they hold. .

Each Day:

1 April Fool’s Day - Yes, we all get it. It’s the day you can prank someone when they most likely expect it. Hey, how about this, pull a prank on someone on March 31st or April 2nd, that’ll be a real surprise.

1 International Tatting Day I thought this was tattooing at first but then realized it wasn’t that cool.

2 Children’s Book Day I guess this one is alright. It’s not the worse on the list.

2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Did this really need a full day? It’s a sandwich. Maybe just keep it to a National lunch holiday.

2 Reconciliation Day Who cares if they cheated on you with your sister, the day commands you to reconciliate.

3 Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day - we know your decision. This should just be an offical ditch day.

3 Tweed Day What the hell?

4 Hug a Newsman Day Did Harold Greene create this holiday up? John Beard perhaps? Both of those need a hug after getting fired/losing their job.

4 National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month and really ignored in any city. Hell, even folks in he country can’t walk to work.

4 Walk Around Things Day you mean like you do every other day of the year?

4 School Librarian Day pfft, they don’t have to deal with the bums like real Librarians.

4 Tell a Lie Day The lie is that this is a holiday

5 Go for Broke Day Or just stay broke today.

6 Plan Your Epitaph Day - a little morbid if you ask me. But shit, better to be safe than sorry.

6 Sorry Charlie Day What does this one mean? You have to say sorry to every charlie you see?

7 Caramel Popcorn Day - Most likely created by a popocorn maker, or an Ecard company. Either way, you’ll pop if you don’t celebrate it.

7 No Housework Day Most home makers celebrate this day every day of the year.

7 World Health Day We can’t even get health care down for the U.S., let’s not try to get the whole world covered just so easily.

8 All is Ours Day I have no clue. I seriously have no clue.

8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day seriously, what?

9 Name Yourself Day wait.. what?

9 Winston Churchill Day Ok, I can buy this one. The man was great

10 Golfer’s Day Because golfers need another day off to play golf?

10 National Siblings Day I’m not sure what you do here. It’s like the Mother/Fathers day for your siblings, I guess.

11 Eight Track Tape Day - do you remember those? Why would anyone?

11 Barbershop Quartet Day Celebrate something you only see at Disneyland!

12 Big Wind Day - this day blows.

12 Russian Cosmonaut Day fuck that, we beat them to the moon, sure they shot a dog into space and broke orbit, but we staged the moon landing, so give us the credit!

13 Blame Someone Else Day Who do I blame for these stupid holidays?

13 Scrabble Day Ok, I can get behind this one. Simply because I play the game. But do you need a national holiday to play it?

14 Ex Spouse Day Cause you needed a day to celebrate dumping their deadbeat ass.

14 International Moment of Laughter Day Other nations are laughing at this and our other stupid holidays.

14 Look up at the Sky Day - don’t you have anything better to do?

14 National Pecan Day Sometimes you feel like a nut, and that’s because you celebrate days like this

14 Reach as High as You Can Day This is a day to celebrate what exactly?

15 Rubber Eraser Day Someone should rub this day off the calender.

15 Titanic Remembrance Day Do not play that stupid song, do not play that stupid movie. Just no. Seriously, no!

16 National Eggs Benedict Day You have to have eggs to celebrate this day.

16 National Librarian Day They deserve a round of applause for kicking out so many homeless after taking too much time on the internet access there.

16 National Stress Awareness Day Don’t stress out about missing this day.

17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day I.. am confused. So is there a yadda yadda yadda day?

17 National Cheeseball Day Ok, I’ll support this day because I like cheese balls. To Hot Wings!

18 International Juggler’s Day - also applies to multi tasking office workers, which is stupid. Really, who doesn’t juggle a lot of things at once? People who celebrate stupid days like this one, that’s who.

18 Newspaper Columnists Day And if you’re at the LA Times, just be thankful you have a job.

18 Pet Owners Independence Day So do you let your animals run free?

19 National Garlic Day Fuck you Basil, Kiss my ass sea salt!

20 Look Alike Day In SoCal, every day looks alike with any other day. Sunny and in the 70’s.

20 Volunteer Recognition Day And if you’re getting recognition for volunteering, you’re not volunteering, you’re getting payment in the form of recognition. So yeah, this is like celebrating the unknown soldier’s day as Bob’s day.

21 Kindergarten Day Cause nothing says party like busting out the chips and kool-aid.

21 Patriot’s Day - third Monday of the month and really, we wouldn’t want the terrorist to win.

22 Girl Scout Leader Day So buy some over priced fattening cookies on this day.

22 National Jelly Bean Day And another food celebration day. This time for candy. FOR CANDY! I can understand Halloween but not this. Not this at all!

23 Lover’s Day I’m just confused as to why we need this day.

23 National Zucchini Bread Day - they hold this at a time when you are not sick
of all that zucchini. But then again, who really wants Zucchini anyway?

23 Take a Chance Day So what makes this day any different than any other? Like Valentine’s day, everyday you should be taking a chance at something. If you aren’t, then you’re really missing out.

23 World Laboratory Day NERDS!

12 Astronomy Day - Even as a space nerd I can’t stand behind this.

24 Pig in a Blanket Day We have to stop celebrating food days.

25 East meets West Day So.. what does this celebrate again?

25 World Penguin Day what?

26 Executive Admin’s Day (Secretary’s Day) I like how they had to change it because Secretary is not PC enough.

26 Hug an Australian Day No. Seriously. No! Just give them a fosters and let them talk about how it’s not really good beer from down under and how you need to drink the queen’s beer or some shit.

26 National Pretzel Day Another Holiday created by corporate America.

26 Richter Scale Day This is a Holiday? When’s 'Radiation ticker' day?

27 Babe Ruth Day So grab a bat, chug a lot of alcohol and take a couple of swings. Babe would be proud.

27 National Prime Rib Day Now this, I can get behind.

27 Tell a Story Day This should be changed to 'Tell a story WELL' day. Because I know far too many people who just tell really boring stories I want no part of.

28 Great Poetry Reading Day Really, stop being such a pussy.

28 Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry. That’ll be the sure fire thing to get laid. Don’t we have one of these back in the middle of Febuary?

29 Greenery Day What does this one even mean? We have a couple of earthy days in April already.

29 National Shrimp Scampi Day Forget Hallmark Holidays, this is a Red Lobster manufactured holiday.

30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day -This is a good one, I normally don’t appreciate the hair style I have and just wake up and go. Thank goodness for this holiday to teach me a thing or two about proper hair care.

30 National Honesty Day -Honesty, You want honest? I think all these 'special' days in the month are too much. Now

As you can see April is a dirty dirty used up whore of a month. It has no shame and it’s not even trying anymore. How can all these celebrations come in on the same month? There should be some committee that green lights these things. It’s completely insane to let all these "holidays" squeeze in there. I’m getting boned out of my Birthday by No Housework day?

I’m about to kick you out on your ass and find a new month to be born in. How could you? How could you allow so many to just plant themselves into your month and use it for all it was worth.

Have some self respect. Especially when this isn’t even counting two important days in April. The 15th being Tax deadline and the week of the 19th through the 27th that is freaking Passover. All those days and they forgot Passover?