Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dead Aliens Must Die!

Dead Aliens Must Die!

This passes as news these days. Apparently some brats saw some scary mother fuckin' shit coming at them, and instead of waiting and seeing what it was, they fucked it's shit up with a bunch of rocks...

And hey, the printed press covers this as well. No wonder I decided to not be a journalist.
A mysterious photograph has become the subject of wild internet speculation after a group of teenagers claimed it was a terrifying creature that they beat to death while playing near a cave in Panama.

The rubbery beast was said to have been spotted by a group of teenagers crawling out of a cave as they played in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City on Saturday.

To their horror, they claimed it came towards them. Fearing for their safety, they beat it to death with sticks, throwing its body in a pool of water, they told Panama's Telemetro television station.
And this is why we wont have anymore nice aliens come visit us. Thanks Panama. Why must they kill that poor innocent alien? Doesn't everyone enjoy a good 'ol fashioned anal probing every now and then? What is it with the kids of today? Looking at the picture it looks so squishy and lovable. Poor alien was just trying to make friends.

I have to wonder if they took the one ring from it after tossing it in the river. I suppose it would be silly of me not to mention an Eraserhead nod here as it clearly looks like the baby from Eraserhead.

I have to say that the news anchor had to be the worse news anchor I have ever seen, and I worked in some pretty shitty areas that had piss poor local news. She's like a presenter off a university TV Channel. It's presented so badly. REAL NEWS AS IT HAPPENS, CNN! I suppose I can't blame her too much. You try telling the world that some kids killed an alien with rocks and keep a straight face and professional demeanor through it.

If their story is that they'd killed it by throwing rocks at it, they should have also faked some injury markings as well. More than likely just punched a sloth in the face and shaved it, but the internet is going to love this as some cryptozoology bullshit for some time. I love wacky cryptozoological stories like this as it brings out the crazies and also makes the most professional scientist sound like complete whack jobs.

It's estimated that over 50% of the world's living things have yet to be identified. Kinda makes me sad that every single one larger than a small insect will probably be killed out of fear. And that people will automatically scream "ALIENS" and assume it's from another planet. This sounds like it's just some condensed swamp gas collected in a weather balloon that happens to look like a sloth.

All I can really see in this story is 4 possibilities:

-Teens killed a sloth, came back and it looked like this
-Teens killed a bald sloth, came back and took pictures
-Teens found a bald sloth (or threw a dead, hairy sloth into creek, and it went bald), came back and took pictures
-Teens killed a creature that was in fact from another planet and came here to destroy us all. Only it didn't count on our plucky teenagers or our abundance of rocks.

It really fills you with hope for the future that the default response in every story like this is always to first beat the mystery creature to death and then dispose of the body. I feel like some higher power is going to come down and give these children a sort of pep talk.
Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Panamanian children? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.

I bet you're thinking that sloths aren't dangerous at all. These kids must be monsters for killing or fucking around with a dead sloth. I mean, it has to be a sloth. Well, you should watch your mouth. You may think that Sloths aren't anything. Who the fuck is scared of a sloth? They're slow as hell, what can they do?

You'd be speaking like someone who has never pissed off a full-grown Panamanian sloth. That fucker ripped the canvas top off our humvee from front to back, left god damned dents and scratches in the paint. All because jackass, the squad leader decided to "kick it out of the way" when it was crossing the path too slowly for his liking. I didn't know they could growl. We spent the next few nights scared for our lives as it hunted us slowly, following our trail, waiting for us to go to sleep. What those kids did was nothing short of a David and Goliath story.

It was torn apart by buzzards a day later, that's what the remains ended up looking like. For the kids, not for my fictitious sloth story. That never happened. Though I'm sure if it did, or if I was ever in the case of a slow moving alien sloth was coming after me, I'd punch it in the face and scream "WELCOME TO EARF!" But in reality, Sloths are pretty awesome.

I wish I could be even 1/10th as cool as one of those chill sloths. Look at him, completely a ladies man. I suppose the saying slow and steady get all the poontang, right? This act of aggression will not stand.. Though, they're sloths, so it's not like they're going to do anything about it. They're slow as all fuuuuuuck. But still, we shouldn't encourage kids to throw rocks at every single thing as the solution. It clearly isn't the solution to anything. For one dead sloth we should all go out and hug a sloth today. It's the only correct thing to do. Have you've hugged a sloth today?

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