Facial Hair And You

I'm so close, So very close in fact. I'm almost a man. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally all man (I'm flexing my muscles as you read this) but I can almost show it off. You see, the world runs on one fact: facial hair is the only way to prove masculinity.

So ultimate power relies on facial hair. But what about you and your rosy cheeks? Well, you don't stand a chance. Sorry. A gun collection or a republican vote may trick the fools, but deep down you know that those decisions won't cover your smooth baby face. Oh no. So what are the options for someone who can't get enough hair on their head? Well, you have only four choices:

• Facial Hair Surgery*
• Hand in your Y chromosome*
• Hunt a wolf and wear its carcass as a hat*
• Bathe in the blood of a bull*
• Hope you're hairy

*No longer legal/acceptable/possible

I know, it's rough, but hang in there little guys, the future looks promising. I haven't always been this close. In middle school, I once saw my smooth reflection in the mirror and immediately questioned my masculinity. I wiped off the mascara and took off the ascot, and still I was unable to prove to myself how manly I was. When chest hair started growing, I thought I was close; but now, many years later, the beard is still missing. I thought I was close once when a mole started to spourt out a long whisker but apparently location is more important than that world record length.

To make the wait more pleasurable, I have compiled a short list of facial hairstyles that a novice may be drawn towards. I have purposefully left out the neckbeard because that's the facial hair of a computer nerd and well, there's no way that's manly. So here's the top three styles based on coolness and easiness in growing.

3rd Place: The Collected Works of J. Lennon and P. McCartney

The music and the facial hair of The Beatles evolved through the years. The two chief architects began as humble, clean-cut boys and morphed over a decade into two angry, drug-riddled egomaniacs. And while the relationships crumbled within the group, so did general hygiene until both the band and the beards blew up all over their faces. In the end though, they both end up looking like Chewbacca at prom.

When a kid decides to learn guitar, he'll start with a Beatles' song, and when a kid decides to grow an awkward or disgusting beard, he'll start with a Beatles' beard. While it may appear to be an easy type of facial hair to grow (simply don't shave,) the true difficulty is finding enough acid.
Coolness: 5
Easiness to Grow: 4

2nd Place: The Classic Lumberjack

Wool cap
Flannel Shirt
A natural disposition to cut/kill things
Being a walking homoerotic fantasy
That's close to being a lumberjack, but without the beard you are just another typical scenester asshole. The full facial cover was originally invented to protect loggers from the claws of attacking squirrels while they crushed the rodents' tiny skulls. Though the original function is lost in civilized countries, the beard is perfect for ugly men or men trying to get a girl who wears these. The closest imitation in modern society is the hockey playoff beard, which is another Canadian feature. So this beard is basically reserved for Rush fans, which is fine, since it is also impossible to grow. I'd have to have my jaw surgically swapped with that of a brown bear to get such a rugged beard, but I'd also be able to crush a man's arm with my teeth. I'll consider that a fair trade.
Coolness: 8
Easiness to Grow: 2

But what's number 1? Before I reveal the 1 facial hairstyle, I should probably show you the runner-ups. Here are the two closest finalists.

Runner-Up: Sideburn

Sideburns have been popular since their creation, which is truly remarkable, since they have never once looked good. If you lost your ears in a freak accident when you tried to stick your head in between two narrow walls--of fire, then by all means get sideburns. If you have been convicted of shoplifting eight times and lost your license due to multiple DUI charges, thereby signifying your difficulty in making rational decisions, get sideburns. If you want to be a respectable figure in your community, playground, or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, do NOT get sideburns.

Runner-Up: Goatee

If you have a goatee you are either a douche bag baseball player or a douche bag. The difference is subtle, only noticeable after federally ordered drug tests. But don't worry; I heard those tests won't pick up the Human Growth Hormone you're using to get taller.

All right buddy, here we go. The 1 facial hair as decided by coolness and easiness to grow

1st Place: Pedophile/Rapist Medley

It's 10pm. Do you know where your kids are? Well, if a parent saw me walking down the street while I grew my mange, they would assume I knew as they hit me with their hatchback. If a normal beard is like a forest, and a cleanly shaved face is a grass field, this facial hair is a suburb, sure there are some trees, but it's mostly poor landscaping and dog shit. This sparse hairstyle is simple to grow as long as you refuse to shave regardless of how shitty you look, you are under the age of 17, you are in an extremely terrible band called the Foo Fighters. A person who is having the first sign of hair growth on his face will be reluctant in shaving it off, so this style grows like a rose in a crack of cement in the ghetto, except instead of a ghetto it's your face, and it's your pimply skin instead of cement, and I guess instead of a rose it is a disgusting hair mess. Wait, didn't I say it's 10pm? We're going to be late for curfew. I hope mom won't yell.
Coolness: 1
Easiness to Grow: 10