Lowering Your Standards

Lowering Your Standards



Do you know that Nintendo seal of approval doesn't grow on trees. They don't just hand those out like candy on Halloween to every 3rd party developer dressed as a ghost or a WWII FPS. There's some sort of system involved with how Nintendo decides what exactly deserves that gold stick. Here's the criteria.


NES ERA
-Must be high quality, qith no show-stopping bugs.
-Players die enough to make the cost of the game equal to the amount they would have spent beating it t the arcade
-If anything is wrong with the gmae, it would begin to work when blown on.


GAME BOY ERA
-Graphics must be black and gray, not because the system has a limited color palette (in fact it is capable of producing all 16 colors that can be seen by the human eye) but because we really like black and gray.


SNES ERA
-Utilizes one of the following: The SUPER FX chip, Mode 7, The red blood to white sweat processor, or the space we set aside for the word "SUPER" before the name of your game.



VIRTUAL BOY ERA
-See game boy, replace "black and gray" with "black and red"
-Users must go blind or at least start bleeding from their eyes within 20 minutes of playing the game


NINTENDO 64 ERA
-Takes advantage of our unique controller by making players mash the analog stick until it breaks (Should take two full rotations)


GAME CUBE ERA
-Game can not come out in the same month that another Gamecube game was released


NINTENDO DS
-Must use the touch screen in an arbitrary and uncreative way to accomplish things that could be done with the directional pad and buttons.


WII ERA
-Manufactured on a disc that's roughly the same size as the hole on the front of the console.

Keep those standards up, Nintendo, you beautiful bastard. Pretty soon you'll be able to pay a couple of bucks for a dozen gold seal of approvals down on 1st and Broadway.