Tuesday, June 23, 2009

2012 - Just Another Day

2012 - Just Another Day

The time honored tragedy event film goes back a long way to the days of Earth Quake: The Movie and the Towering Infernal, we all love seeing shit blow up. It's why we still have Michael Bay films. So it's with honor that I bring you the latest Hollywood popcorn flick. Though I have to ask why these movies are called "Popcorn" movies? Don't you ever eat popcorn at other times? Do they only sell Gummy Bears during stuff like There Will Be Blood? Here's the latest poster for the turd

The Mayans, the oldest civilization in the world (except they're not), believed that the world will explode or time will stop or something in December 2012 (except they didn't). Based on this wonderful misinterpretation of history, we get another one of ol' Rollie's explodapaloozas, just in time for Thanksgiving.

So what's the story here? Have you never seen a Roland Emmerich movie? There will be three plot arcs. One will be the US President, valiantly trying to save the world. One will be the scientist who saw it all coming trying to get to him. And the third will involve a father searching for his kids or some shit. Let's break this down:

A divorced couple (John Cusack and Amanda Peet) reunites over the end of the world. (See: Jeff Goldblum, Independence Day.) It's the end of the world, and the President (Danny Glover) is played by an older black actor. (See: Morgan Freeman, Deep Impact.) Flaming asteroids are falling from the sky, and famous monuments are being destroyed. (See: New York, Paris, Armageddon.) Terrible science falls way to loads of CGI. (See: Roland Emmerich, The Day After Tomorrow.) Let's see the teaser:

But, released today, the full trailer for Roland Emmerich's next "masterpiece," 2012 is out, and boy does it look... fun?

Other than some impressive Special Effects (though a good portion of the SFX in the trailer looked pretty shitty) there's nothing here. I'm betting that it will be shit like every Emmerich movie that isn't Universal Soldier

Really? Waterships that the governments have been building for years? Shit Blows Up: The Movie is a much better title for this movie. You have to love the subtle symbolism in that Sistine Chapel scene of the trailer. It's just brilliant. It's just missing someone saying "Oh my God!".

I wonder if there will be a professor or scientist with no respect in their field predicts this Armageddon and tries to warn the President. Damn. Will there at least be a stubborn government official who demands no one listen to this science rockstar's tomfoolery, losing perspective as it becomes a matter of personal honor?

The comments in the youtube section are great.
This movie is actually being funded by the US government. They wanted to release a Field Manual for 2012, to help people survive but it was thought that it would cause a panic. So they're releasing it disguised as a movie.
I bet somebody could make a movie about the crazy theories people ramble on about in a comments section.

Was there a shot of a helicopter carrying a Giraffe? Is this retelling of Noah's ark? Actually, the primary sign of the apocalypse is people spontaneously acting out Operation: Dumbo Drop with all sorts of different animals.

I have to say this movie looks hilarious. It's like a final attempt at claiming apocalyptic Hollywood glory by throwing every ridiculous, incomprehensible disaster scenario together with a probably sure to be nonsensical plot. Is there a single creative aspect of this film at all? No. there isn't. Well, I guess you get to see the white house getting smashed by a ship. I don't think they've done that one yet. Otherwise it's the same ol' shit.

You know what made Independence Day good? A massive wall of flame swooping towards a gay man with an incredible raspy voice who says "oh crap." It didn't take itself too seriously. That and just about every Will Smith line is great: "Welcome to Earf" / "Now that's what I call a close encounter." / "I have GOT to get me one of these!"

So the ending of this movie is going to be about how the world doesn't actually end, right? Which de-fangs the whole premise and that's only after the trailer. Or would Emmerich actually have the balls to make a movie where everybody dies?

I can't wait till this movie comes out so for the next two years The History Channel can make comparisons between "real life" history and this movie. "In 2009 Roland Emmerich debuted his hit feature film '2012', but how far from the truth was he?!" What happens to the History channel after 2012 comes and goes, with nothing going wrong?

I love how Roland Emmerich has built a career out of blowing up the Earth. While others are trying to save the world or go green, he's always trying to see new ways to blow up the world and of course, find a new way to destroy the white house. keep on truckin' Roland Emmerich.

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