Forget His Brain, Where's Hitlers Bloodline?!

Forget His Brain, Where's Hitlers Bloodline?!

It's October, which means that it's time to talk about blood and spooky shit. Shit like Hitler. There was once a movie that worried that we found Hitler's Brain and what would happen with it. Would we put it into a new body and then... well, and then what? I mean, sure he gain popularity with the Germans, but with Germany being neutered after WWII, what would be the worse that could happen? It's not like he could kill the Jews like business as usual or anything.



In any event, it seems that we are no longer after Hitler's brain. No no, we're after the blood line that's attached to it. It appears that we've found his decedents.

THIRTY-NINE living relatives of Adolf Hitler have been discovered by a customs official and a journalist who claim to have decoded the Nazi dictator's DNA.

Analysing forgotten cigarette butts in a small village in lower Austria, a used paper serviette in a New York fast food restaurant and the seals of letters sent over 30 years ago from northern France, Marc Vermeeren and Jean-Paul Mulders said they had traced all known living relatives of the Fuehrer for the first time.

As well as three living in America, whose existence has been reported previously, they claim to have tracked down 36 others who still live in the wooded area of Austria where Hitler was born.

Mr Vermeeren, a Belgian customs official, and Mulders, a journalist for Belgian newspaper Het Laaste Nieuws, said three great-grandchildren of Hitler's father, Alois, lived on Long Island, outside New York, under the false name Stuart-Houston. They are descendants who left Germany to escape the Nazis.

Louis and Brian Stuart-Houston share a little wooden house in East Patchogue, where they work as gardeners, while Alexander is a retired psychologist who helps Vietnam veterans.

The Belgians said they had watched them for seven days and nights, following 60-year-old Alexander to a fast-food restaurant where he disposed of a paper serviette after eating fried chicken that they retrieved and later matched with ''DNA of Hitler that we keep in a sealed, armoured chest'', according to Mulders.

The cigarette butts came from Hitler relatives in Austria, they said.

''The American relatives have agreed not to have children to extinguish the saga of Hitler and stop living in fear, but have promised to publish a book before they die,'' said Mulders.

Well, that's quite an invasion of privacy. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprises that our DNA is all over the place. That rumor on if you've ever touched a penny your DNA is on file, but this takes on a new level of crazy internet detective skills. We should remember that these are relatives and not descendants. Big difference there. You would hope that they would respect the privacy of those people who are related. Well, unless they have some sort of Nazi shrine in their home.

I mean, it has zero relevance to anything when you think about it. Just because you're the second cousin to someone who shares his bloodline doesn't mean you're going to go out and kill you some Jews. Yeah, it may be a little bit of a shameful thing on the family name if you have Hitler as a great great uncle or something, but it doesn't mean you're going to spawn some evil bastard because of it.



It really is pretty sad that they won't have kids. I mean, it's not like genocide is hereditary like diabetes. Now those with high risk of that.. Maybe they shouldn't be breeding and tainting our gene pool. But to not have kids simply to kill off the Hitler genes? Really? Do you know who else believed in limiting certain genetics from propagating and tried to wipe out entire genetic lines or people?!?! Gotta love that thick irony in this story. Ve must exterminate ze Hitlers!

But this has got to be the best excuse for a guy not to get his girl knocked up. "But honey, we can't have kids, honey! I've got Hitler blood in me!". And what would happen if these people wanted to have kids anyway? Would they have been faced with tons of criticism by parents who are letting their children run wild at malls and markets?



I also have to wonder why it's so important to keep Hitler's DNA in a sealed, armored chest. Are they so afraid that someone will steal the DNA and attempt to create a clone of Hitler like they did with that sheep? Maybe they'll come up with some frightening hybrid.

And what the hell are they going to write about in that book? I don't know how much you can write about on the subject as someone who is only related to Hitler but more than likely never even knew about it till some internet detectives came up and guilt you into not procreating.

Chapter 1: Introduction

"What is it like being distantly related to Hitler? Well, it used to be no big deal. These days, though, I get all kinds of people calling me up, and asking what it's like being distantly related to Hitler. I also get people telling me I look vaguely like Hitler, and other people telling me I don't look like Hitler at all. I think that's supposed to be a compliment."

Chapter 2: A day in the life of a man slightly related to Hitler

"I got up today - a bit late, since I like to sleep in when I can. As I put together a late breakfast/early lunch, my telephone rang.

'Hello', I said.

'Are you that Hitler guy?' asked a heavy voice from the other end of the line.

'Is this important?' I queried. 'I'm trying to eat breakfast.'

'I guess not,' came the response. 'Still, it's you, right? Man, that's whack.'"

Yeah, I really can't see that being any more popular than Heidi Montage's book about "How to be famous" from someone who is famous for no reason what so ever. What I'm trying to say is that we should beg Heidi and Spencer to never procreate.