Avatard

Avatard

Ha ha, get it? Like retard but only using a James Cameron film as the form of parody.... Okay, it was stupid. I had nothing else in mind when I came up with the title of this. Anyhow so it won Best Picture - Drama at the Golden Globes the other day. How convenient that the best picture -Comedy and best picture -Drama were both the top earning films of their category this past year. I didn't figure that the American public had a finger on the pulse of what actually was a good film. Especially considering the trend to give it to films that are more "art house" fair.

So I guess if you haven't seen it by now, then you're not in the loop on how James Cameron is the god among gods. No longer confined to King of the World. Maybe now we can continue to look past the idea that he spent the last twelve years working on this furry fan-fiction and we should give him an award. I mean, I had to watch it and I can easily say that it was teh corniest movie ever made about the white man's need to lose his identity and assuage racial, political, sexual and historic guilt.



The dialogue is smack-yourself-in-in-the-face bad. I mean, could they not have taken some of that 3D technology and injected it into the completely flat characters or the paper thin dialogue? Even for basic Sci-fi, the story is bad as all hell. I'm a fan of the Martian Chronicles and those were nothing more than racial allegories and I felt that the wave after wave of murdered humans had more character development than in Avatar.

I suppose the only praise I can give it is that if there's one movie you shouldn't download this year, it's this one. You should see this one in theaters because it is visually stunning. While the story sucks donkey balls, the visual are amazing. Though, I'd relate it to a porn. It's pretty to look at but you're not there for the story. Mainly because the story is a complete piece of shit.



I have to rail on it some more. The story was a trite rehashed garbage that force fed a nice little happy moral down your throat. I agree with the moral, but the way it's told is so cliche and ham fisted and just overdone to the nth degree. Almost every element of the story was cringe worthy. I just don't see at all, how it even competed for best film. Best film should be a fresh story told with honesty, vigor, respect for the audience, and should be carried by moving performances. This film lacked all that mainly because of Cameron's awful script.

The whole plot is nothing to brag about either. It's been said before and it bares repeating that it was fern gully with a mixture of braveheart and a healthy dose of last of mohicans. It's scary but Cameron watched Pocahontas from Disney and replaced all the indians with blue Indians. Or maybe it's Pocahontas meets dances with wolves, expect they replaced the musical numbers with lifter robots from Aliens.



It also sends a bad signal. As if the native folks could not possibly fend off the white invaders without a bunch of turncoats on their side. Not to mention the pure evil antagonist were less believable than the blue aliens. Especially with the idea that they really lay it out there about this material they're collecting. Could James get even more on point about raping a culture for the means of production?

Though I do give our nation credit for one thing. Between District 9 and Avatar, the media is going to have a field day covering about how Hollywood and first-worlders care more about sci-fi fantasy creatures and their plight than they do about real humans. It's also a little odd because Cameron fashionably denounces the same economics and military system that makes his technological extravaganza possible. It's like condemning NASA- Yet joyriding on the Mars Exploration Rover, right?



Cameron gets sappy and hypocritical all in one. Set in the near future, Avatar is a throwback to the hippie naivete of Kevin Costner's production Rapa Nui. While prattling about man's threat to environmental harmony. Gee, I wonder how much of an ecological foot stomp it will be to make all the next generation of 3D TV's in order to see Avatar how it was truly meant to be seen?

And you know that in true Aliens fashion, Cameron is really into the booms and explosions from the destructive combat and the deployment of technological forces in his films. There was something like 30 minutes of marines getting eaten and killed. So perhaps that was worth the price of the admission alone. But even odder was the fact that before the film there was like a four minute long leni riefenstahl ad for the national guard. I had to laugh about it. I mean, didn't the film have a scene where they just show a bunch of dudes puking like that marine ad? That was starship troopers bad.



When it comes to Avatar though, there seems to be a bigger problem with this movie. Or at least there's a problem for all the fucktards who feel it was "too real". You see, they're getting depressed.

James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.

On the fan forum site "Avatar Forums," a topic thread entitled "Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible," has received more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression and fans trying to help them cope. The topic became so popular last month that forum administrator Philippe Baghdassarian had to create a second thread so people could continue to post their confused feelings about the movie.

"I wasn't depressed myself. In fact the movie made me happy ," Baghdassarian said. "But I can understand why it made people depressed. The movie was so beautiful and it showed something we don't have here on Earth. I think people saw we could be living in a completely different world and that caused them to be depressed."

A post by a user called Elequin expresses an almost obsessive relationship with the film.

"That's all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about 'Avatar.' I guess that helps. It's so hard I can't force myself to think that it's just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na'vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie," Elequin posted.

A user named Mike wrote on the fan Web site "Naviblue" that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie.

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

Hey look! How awesome life could have been!!! Yeah, that ruled. Now go back to your shitty job working for the imperial masters in your gray city. CNN reporst on this harrowing tragedy. Ha! This is almost as bad as the Harry Potter phone help line for teenagers coping with the last installment of the Harry Potter series.



I mean, story aside about the white guilt in 3D, Avatar was basically wish fulfillment for the post-modern American trapped in a concrete and plastic world desiring to feel "real". Then again, I shouldn't be so dumb. Those people were depressed before they saw the movie. The movie just gave them something tangible on which to attach their feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction to.

People with happy lives don't spend half their time desperately wishing they were totally different people in a make believe world that only had two hours to get fleshed out. Folks stuck in World of Warcraft aren't satisfied with their lives. This is one step above that. People who are dreaming longingly to this land of tall blue freaks really should look at the world around them.
Maybe they should visit Machu Picchu or something. Goddamn, I need to see that place before I die and it's not in some desperate hope to find some far away land with blue freaks all around.



If you stop and think about it, that whole idea of dropping everything for this alien race is a bit of a leap. I wonder about the Jake Sully character. Three months is a pretty short amount of time to know someone before you get engaged, let alone become mates-for-life with them and decide to throw yourself completely into their totally alien culture. What if every six months the Na'Vi have a baby-eating festival or their tradition is to get pegged by the females in a gang bang. Yeah, that would get weird real quick.

But if you're willing to toss your world into the recycle bin and go into this strange new Avatar land, perhaps you should have a little knowledge of said world. Well, good thing the marketing department jumped in and now you can have your very own Avatar survival guide.

Residents of Earth are captivated by Pandora and its exotic inhabitants. They want to know more but all information about the planet is regulated. A group of anonymous subversives on Earth have been compiling the scientific data and images they can get their hands on. These are their notes. AVATAR: THE FIELD GUIDE TO PANDORA is a gorgeous guide to the ecosystem and indigenous people.

I think it teaches you how to fight the corporate overlords by studing how the Na'Vi live. Then again, on a planet that has 90% of all things that want to kill you, you're going to need this book as well as I need to question what the fuck you are thinking in wanting to live on this shit hole planet.

So to leave you on this MLK day, perhaps it's wrong of me to hate on the film. As the late Doctor King said it

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

See, I shouldn't judge these losers by their inability to want to live in a world where they aren't blue 7 foot tall freaks, but by their complete lack of character for if they had any, they wouldn't be day dreaming about being in some James Cameron created world. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play with my Pulse Rifle. ROCK AND ROLL!!!