Happy New Year - Here's How You Make Moonshine
One of my favorite blog entries this year was about a moonshiner named Marvin Popcorn Sutton. And now that I'm at 500 blog post for the year, I think it's time that I celebrate by showing you how to do something Marvin Popcorn Sutton loved to do.. that is, make moonshine.
Okay, here's how you make a still;
1. GET 20-GALLON PRESSURE COOKER. GET ONE WITHA THERMOMETER AND A PRESSURE GAGUE, THE THERMOMETER IS PRETTY VITAL IMO
2. DRILL A FUKN HOLE IN THE LID
3. GET LIKE A BUNCH OF 1/4 INCH COPPER TUBING ANNA SPOOLA LEADFREE SOLDER FROM LOWES
4. CUT ~15 FEET OF PIPE AND PUT TAPE ON ONE END AND FILL IT WITH SAND
5. GET A PIPE OR SOMETHING LONG AN ROUND AND COIL THAT FUCKIN SANDPIPE AROUND ID REAL PRETTY-LIKE THE SAND KEEPS THE PIPE FROM CRIMPOING
6. GET A PIECE OF PVC FOR THE COIL TO FIT INSIDE. PUT CAPS W/ HOSE FITTINGS ON IT DRILL HOLES FOR THE COPPER TO COME OUT.
7.OKAY THEN U TAKE THE END OF THE COPPER AND SOLDER IT INTO THE HOLE ON THE PRESSURE COOKER LID MAKE SURE THE PVC SLOPES DOWN FROM THE PRESSURE COOKER
Congrats on this step as you now have a Still to work with. Okay, now that you got that goin, here's how you make Shine.
IF U WANNA MAKE CHEAP WHITE LIGTNING HERES WHAT U DO:
1. GET A BUTTLOAD OF SUGAR. LIKE 10 LBS. WATER. BREWERS YEAST. THEY GOT SPECIAL YEASTS THAT MAKE MORE ALCOHOL BUT THEY EXPENSIVE AS HELL AND BREWERS YEAST IS EVERYWHERE
2. GET A FEW OF THOSE WATER COOLER JUGS. GLASS WORKS BEST. PLASTIC IS OK TO. STERILIZE THEM FUCKERS WITH BLEACH N WATER
3. OK NOW YOU BOIL A BUNCH OF WATER AND ADD YOUR SUGAR TO IT. LIKE 3/4 POUND OF SUGAR PER GALLON. REDUCE HEAT. DONT CARAMELIZE THAT SHIT YOU'LL RUIN IT. BOILING KILLS GERMS THO SO BE CAREFUL
4. LET THAT STUFF COOL AND PUT IT INTO YOUR JUGS. ADD THE YEAST
5. OK NOW YOU GOTTA MAKE A CAP FOR THE JUGS. GET SOME HOSE OR FLEXIBLE TUBING AND A BOWL OR POT OR SOME CONTAINER. COVER THE JUG WITH THE CAP OR SOMETHING AND CUT A HOLE FOR THE TUBE. SEAL THIS WITH TAPE OR SILLY PUTTY OR SOMETHING. MAKE SURE NO AIR CAN GET IN. THEN U TAKE THE CONTAINER FILL IT W/ WATER AND PUT THE HOSE IN THE WATER-- PRESTO MOTHERFUCKER YOU HAVE MADE AN AIRLOCK THE GAS FROM THE YEAST CAN ESCAPE AND THIS MEANS YOU GET ALCOHOL BUT IF YOU GET AIR GOING IN THE YEAST DOESN'T MAKE ALCOHOL. THIS IS A CALLED ANAEROBIC RESPIRATION READ A BOOK YOU IGNORANT FUCK
6. WAIT A WEEK, MAYBE MORE, WHEN THE AIRLOCK STOPS BUBBLING ITS READY
Okay. The stuff in your jug now is called mash. It has booze in it, but if you drank it, it would taste nasty as hell. So what you're going to want to distill it.
OK NOW U TAKE YOUR STILL TO A PLACE WHERE YOU GET A TON OF COOL WATER AVAILABLE;E THIS IS WHY THE OLD TIMERS WOULD ALWAYS DO IT NEAR A CREEK
1. GET SOME HOSE AND HOOK IT TO THE HOSE FITTINGS ON THE PVC PIPE. PUT THE OTHER END IN THE WATER. U HAVE TO BE DOWN H8ILL FROM THE END IN THE WATER
2. START A SIPHON SO WATER FLOWS THROUGH THE HOSE DOWN INTO THE PVC AND GOES AROUND THAT COPPER COIL U MADE. OH YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE SAND OUT BY NOW DUMMY. THE WATER WILL COOL THE COIL THIS IS CALLED A HEAT EXCHANGER U DUM BOOB
3. GET A BUTTLOAD OF FIREWOOD OR A GAS BURNER OR SOME SHIT. MAKE A FIRE OR START HEATING UP THE PRESSURE COOKER. PUT YOUR MASH IN. SEAL IT UP. PLAY SOME MUSIC OR PLAY CARDS WITH YOUR PALS OR SOMETHING
4. WATHC THE THERMOMETER. STUFF WILL START DRIPPING OUT PRETTY EARLY BUT U DON'T WANT THAT GARBAGE ITS METHANOL OR OTHER BULLSHIT AND IT IS WHAT GIVES U A REAL BAD HANGOVER. DONT DRINK IT. WHEN THE THERMOMETER HITS 173.1 OR SO IT WILL STAY PEGGED FOR AWHILE AND TONS OF SHIT SHOULD BE COMING OUT THE COPPER. THIS IS BOOZE. COLLECT THAT SHIT ITS GOOD STUFF MAN DRINK UP
5. WHEN THE THERMOMETER STARTS TO RISE AGAIN THE BOOZE HAS ALL BOILED OFF TURN OFF THE HEAT AND QUIT COLLECTING GRATS YOU'VE JUST MADE MOONSHINE
Don't be afraid, drink it down. You do realize (because I've had to have said it a million times now) that moonshine really doesn't make you blind. That's just what the government says to avoid you bypassing paying taxes and making your own to sell.
Okay, now that I told you how to make Plain White Lightning, I'm going to tell you how to make corn liquor.
1. GET CORNMEAL SWEETER THE BETTER. LIKE TWO BUSHELS. IF U KNOW A GUY THAT GRINDS IT HIMSELF GET IT THERE FRESH MEAL WORKS BEST OKAY PLUS GET A FEW PNDS NEW SWEET CORN ON THE COB THIS SHIT IT TASTY SHUCK IT. EAT SOME OF THE CORN, SAVE THE REST FOR MAKING SHINE W/. CORNMEAL IS CHEAP AS HELL THAT'S WHY THE OLDTIMERS USED IT INSTEAD OF SUGAR
2 YOU CAN ADD MALT AND BARLEY N HOPS IF U WANT BUT FUCK THAT WERE NOT DRINKING SCOTCH HERE
3. OKAY GET A REAL BIG POT LIKE REAL BIG PUT IN 4-5 GALLONS OF WAETR PLUS THE CORNMEAL, CUT THE SWEET CORN OFF THE COBS N PUT THAT IN TOO. IF YU FGOT BARLEY OR HOPS OR WHATEVER PUT THAT IN TOO. OKAY BOIL THAT SHIT FOR LIKE 30 MINS.
4. PUT IT IN THE JUGS ADD THE YEAST AND FERMENT LIKE BEFORE
Distill that shit and it tastes like sweet corn. God damn that's good stuff!
OH YEAH I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS IN THE LAST POST
WHEN YOUR DONE GETTING THE SHINE IT'LL BE LIKE 140 PROOF. THAT'S REAL STRONG AND HARD TO DRINK BECAUSE IT BURNS TO MUCH. GET A MASON JAR AND PUT SOME SHINE IN. ADD A LIL WATER PUT THE LID ON AND SHAKE IT UPSIDE DOWN. KEEP ADDING WATER UNTIL A LITTLE DROP OF SHINE HOLDS ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE JAR. THIS IS CALLED A BEAD WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU WILL BE AROUND 80 PROOF. THAT'S PERFECT. REMEMBER THE HOW MUCH WATER U PUT IN AND HOW MUCH SHINE IT WAS AND THEN YOU DO THE SAME AMOUNT X HOWEVER MUCH SHINE THERE WAS. GRATS UR DONE
OH YEAH ONE REAL IMPORTANT THING IF UR GONNA MAKE LIQUOR THAT I FORGOT
BE REAL CAREFUL WHEN YOU'RE DISTILLING BECAUSE IF THINGS GET TO HOT YOU'LL SCORCH THE MASH AND RUIN IT SO MAKE SURE YOUR FIRE/HEAT IS REAL EVEN OR YOU WILL HAVE BAD SHINE
In the old days people got murdered for scorching mas. Hell, people got murdered a lot in general. You don't want to be one of those and thus why I'm having this conversation with you now... as your Christmas gift. Give a man a beer and he'll get drunk if he's a lite weight. Teach a man how to make his own stash and he'll be the town drunk for life.
So there you have it. For 2010 you can make your own batch of booze. Good or when the government gets destroyed and the apocalypse comes around. Or just for being an extremely cheap person.