OPEN WIDE FOR THE DENTIST

OPEN WIDE FOR THE DENTIST

I know this is an uncomfortable question, and once you're past the age of living with your parents, which, I guess in this modern era isn't much of an age limit to begin with. Okay, let's put it this way, once your past the age where your parents can force you to do something, going to the dentist is probably low on your priority list of things to do.

I'm wondering how often you, the reader, have been to the dentist. Yeah, I know it's crazy for me to actually address you. I mean, I'm usually so ignorant to the plight of you, blog reader, that I may come across as cold. But what do you do to keep your teeth as teethy as they can be?

I would say that you should use listerine or its generic equivalent. But not the non-alcoholic mouthwash, that shit is bullshit. Using non-alcoholic mouthwash is like using deodorant that doesn't have an active ingredient in it to stop you from sweating. You're just lopping perfume onto your disgusting, smelly body and doing nothing to remedy the real issue and problem in smell prevention - stopping your body from producing that shit.

Also, brush your tongue. I have a really strong gag reflex, so this is really tough for me to do as I almost ralph daily doing it, but your tongue holds a lot of bacteria. Probably more so than your ex's crotch. I learned this young when the dentist told me that I need to use a tongue scraper for cleanings. My guess is that working on my mouth was like walking into a bathroom that hasn't been cleaned well after two summer concerts.

Look, it was a  little embarrassing, sure. But your tongue is the smelliest part of your mouth unless you don't floss. But even then, if you see your tongue up close, it's basically a bunch of little fleshy hairs and pockets. If it is white or yellow, scrub the fuck out of it and it could potentially remove the bacteria and drastically improve your breath smell. It should be closer to pink if clean and you probably need to clean it twice a day too.

Finally, use toothpaste with added fluoride. I don't care if it's turning the frogs gay or you may not want it in your drinking water. It's probably best to go for the ADA Accepted logo toothpaste that has it on the tube. These are all great preventative measures to not have to pay a lot when you do finally go to a dentist. Because yeah...  going to one is a huge amount of hassle for many.

I mean, I know what you're thinking. How can I, an American citizen, afford health insurance, let alone dental care. Well, you can't. But still, it's worth every penny that you have to go into soul crushing debt for to keep them pearly whites their whitest.  If you have insurance, going to the dentist twice a year for a cleaning is pretty damn normal. Once a year they'll take an X-ray to make sure no weird stuff is going on. When they do a cleaning, they'll scold you on the fact that you drink coffee so much in order to be a functioning human at work in the morning. But for the most part, aside from the guilt and the threat of pain on your teeth, you don't want to wait until you get some nasty tooth infection because of a dead tooth or something to go.

In fact, the fear of dentist is pretty common. Most folks have had it instilled on them since childhood. I know plenty of folks who are terrified of dentist and then that changes when they find one who is very generous with the gas, if you catch my drift. Yes, this is a PSA to do drugs. Because what I'm really saying is that in order to be super happy with dental work, just find a dentist that will get you high as fuck.

Let's also be clear. dental insurance is only worth it if you can get it through your job. the individual market is really lame. And a lot of times if you have it, the doctors will make sure you have as much treatments that you probably don't need. Including removing your wisdom teeth even if you don't actually need to.  I once went to a dentist that said I needed a crazy number of fillings and the visit would cost me $300. Later I went to a public clinic dentist and she said I only needed 2 because she had no incentive to lie to me and told me to trust other dentists as much as a mattress salemean. That visit was $50 out the door, but she earned my business. 

If you're really broke, dental Universities have options to be a patient at a program there where the students do your dentist stuff under the supervision of an actual dentist professor. I mean, it's really cheap but does have a lot of huge negatives. They take several hours to do anything and they fuck up a lot. You're going to here a lot of "oh shit, my bad", but what can you do? Teeth are important. Novocaine will wear off a lot and they will cry a lot in front of you as their professor looks at their work on your teeth and make worried noises, which will guarantee that you spend another 45 minutes of discomfort in that chair. Though, look, as negative as that sounds, it's a dental adventure and you don't have to spend thousands of dollars on your teeth.