Thursday, March 5, 2009

As The Cookie Crumbles

As The Cookie Crumbles

Anybody who likes Mother's Circus animal cookies can tell you, they were good but the problem is that they are also no longer being made. With anything that no longer exist we must now move on. A harsh lesson that I have learned all too well over the last few weeks when things end. The idea is to just simply replace them with the nearest possible likeness of them. Here is my scientific study in finding said replacement to fill the void. This is the tale of circus animal cookies now long dead..

Well there may be a ray of hope... Maybe.

Yes, Keebler is trying to take up the slack, with their own version of circus animal cookies.

Will Keebler brand "Animals Cookies Frosted" make up for the appalling lack of Mother's brand "Circus Animals Cookies"? It's time for the head-to-head challenge!!!!

At the store I noted that both packages are approximately the same price. The Keebler package was $.25 more expensive. However, it is also 1 ounce less than the Mother's package.

Once I got them home, I had to begin my in-depth research.

First I selected a representative sample from both bags, two randomly chosen pink-frosted and two randomly selected white-frosted cookies each.

Mother's cookies on the left, Keebler on the right.

Note the intense, well-saturated pink of the Mother's cookies, compared to the washed-out, diluted look of the Keebler. Mother's clearly wins here. The white colors are similar. No advantage either way.

Also compare the sprinkles. There are far more sprinkles on the Mother's side.

#of sprinkles
Mothers cookie 1 - 103
Mothers cookie 2 - 67
Mothers cookie 3 - 113
Mothers cookie 4 - 42

Average - 81.25

Keebler cookie 1 - 29
Keebler cookie 2 - 14
Keebler cookie 3 - 31
Keebler cookie 4 - 14

Average - 22

Clearly, in both color and number of sprinkles, Mother's Circus Animal Cookies are superior to Keebler Animals Cookies Frosted.

What about in variety? Well, both come in only two basic colors, pink and white. But, these are both animal-shaped cookies, so perhaps there is a difference there.

Mother's had 5 shapes, so did Keebler. They are all vaguely animal-shaped. However, Keebler does have the advantage here, if only slightly. It seems that some of their animals are somewhat more recognizable as mammals. However, this could be simply because their layer of frosting is thinner than on the Mother's cookies.

However, this is all secondary to taste. Many people have had the experience of going to Grandma's house and having her bring out cookies. You would eagerly expect Oreos, only to find that she had instead bought the generic, store-brand "Chocolate Sandwich Cookies". It was impossible to hide your disappointment, but you tried. Is this a case of Keebler being the cookies Grandma would have given you? Or, by some miracle did they create a cookie that is at lease the equal to the Mother's cookies they will be replacing?

Sadly, the answer is: Keebler Animals Cookies Frosted bear no taste resemblance to Mother's Circus Animals Cookies.

Small beads of colorful sugar, pretty much untasteable due to their small size.

These are pretty much the same, but you get so few of them, even if you could taste them, you would not be able to.

A moderate density shortbread cookie, not unlike the Nabisco Animal Cracker everybody knows and loves.

A light shortbread cookie, dissolves fairly rapidly in the mouth, leaving behind the taste of bitter disappointment.

A tasty layer of frosting, acting as an intermediary between the cookie and the sprinkles. A robust, thick layer of material that allows you to savor it, either by eating the cookie as a whole or by sucking/licking the frosting off, enjoying its sweetness until only the cookie is left. This frosting is like a fine wine and is something to be savored slowly.

Colored candle wax, only not as tasty.

Final Assessment
The Keebler brand "Animals Cookies Frosted" in no way tastes as good as, or could ever replace Mother's brand "Circus Animal Cookies". Sadly, those of us who lived for Circus Animals Cookies will eventually be forced to resort to the Keebler cookies, chewing on them in the vain hope that they will remind us of the far superior Mother's product. Eventually we will no longer remember exactly how great the Mother's cookies tasted, only that they were better. By this time our grandchildren will be eating the Keebler cookies and we will be heard to say "When I was a kid, we had better animal cookies! They were the size of your hand, covered with a million sprinkles each, and the colors were so intense!!!"

And, sadly, the children will never know how close to true we are. Because all they will have will be Keebler Animals Cookies Frosted, and no true basis for comparison.

And another part of history will die.

Since doing this test I just discovered this alternative, which seems to be a closer fit to the Mothers cookies:

It appears that there may be some regional candidates to replace Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. If you find any more cookies like this, I'll gladly continue with my scientific investigations and eat them.

You want to know how committed I am to this scientific study? I'll be the first to say that these cookies are delicious. However, take a look at the nutritional facts and you'll see why.

That's just plain unholy.

And speaking of unholy, I have to say that the marketing of having small girls selling you cookies is an act of pure evil only the Girl Scouts could sink so low in using. How could you say no to those faces when you're leaving the grocery store. And if you thought they couldn't get any more evil, they found a way

Girl Scout Cookies are getting overpriced.
Eating a box of Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting will be a little bit easier this year: The Girl Scouts of the USA confirmed Wednesday that it has reduced the number of cookies per box to save money because of rising transportation and baking costs.

People buying Girl Scout cookies like these this year can expect fewer cookies in the packages.

Michelle Tompkins, a national Girl Scout spokeswoman, said that "the cost of baking a cookie today is significantly higher than it was even a year ago, and our bakers cannot continue to absorb these rising costs." She also said transportation costs have increased 30 to 40 percent from a year ago.

The combined cost increase prompted the organization to "lower the net weight of our cookie boxes slightly rather than ask our customers to pay a higher per-package price during these difficult times," Tompkins said in a written statement.

There will be two to four fewer cookies in boxes of Thin Mints, Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Shortbread Cookies, DoSiDos and Trefoils, she said.
Who the fuck is running the Girl Scout Cookie operation? Is it actual 12-year-old scouts? The damn things are the size of a quarter and $4 a box anyway, it's ridiculous they aren't making a killing off of them as it is. You know what sucks most about this? Those fucking cookies are still delicious, and I'm still going to buy them. How can you say "no" to that many little girls? They're camped out everywhere.

There were already so few Samoas in a box to begin with. Now how will I get my daily recommendation of fudge and caramel? Don't get me started with Thin Mints. Samoas are the only girl scout cookie that real men eat.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. Everyone is doing this now. All the cereal companies sliced a couple ounces per box about a year ago. Dole just did the same with all their salad lettuces. Everyone is trying to make you pay the same and get less on every product they can pull one over on you with. A customer sees the same packaging, the same price. They're more likely to buy the item than to realize it's now 14 ounces instead of 16.

For all you Thin Mint lovers, Keebler Grasshopper cookies are pretty much the same thing. Now I'm really in the mood for some cookies. Where the hell are those girl scouts with their cookie packs?

If you are in need of that crack that is Girl Scout Cookies, have no fear. starting tomorrow you'll see those little troopers outside of markets bugging you for cookie sales.

No comments: