Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Watching A Movie Backwards

Watching A Movie Backwards

When I worked at the now bankrupt Blockbuster, there was an old saying "Be Kind, Rewind" In many sense I took this motto to heart a little too much and once rewound a whole movie. The results of which showed me that you can get an entirely different meaning from a movie if only viewed in a rewind motion.

One of my favorite Dave Atell comedy bits was when he said: "I like watching 'Girls Gone Wild' backwards so it changes into 'Girls Who've Learned Their Lesson'. "Hey! I don't need to be a drunken skank!" In that same respect it's just a matter of seeing a story entirely different.

The ending becomes the beginning and the beginning, well, it doesn't make much sense all the time. It does lead to interesting results. So let me take you down the road on how different some films would be if they were just viewed in reverse.

JAWS: If you watch it backwards, its a movie about a shark that was put together by a shot canister that starts throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

Star Wars: Darth Vader travels the galaxy curing men of their asthma.

Memento: It's about a guy who remembers things.

A film in normal motion

Requiem for a Dream: is an uplifting story about four people who overcome their drug addictions and whose lives spiral into control.

Reservoir dogs: A bunch of guys dressed in suits come back from the dead, wait in a warehouse for a long time, drop a bunch of diamonds off at a jewellers and then go have breakfast at a diner where they talk about Madonna's dick.

Fight Club: The space monkeys become a community service clan and clean up a lot of vandalism.

In this version you DO talk about fight club

Planet of the Apes: A guy hangs with some apes for a while, then leaves earth and comes back.

The Matrix: A bunch of crazy shit happens, and then Neo wakes up. Woah, what a dream.

Office Space: Peter donates a lot of money to Initech. In response, they hire his friends Samir and Michael.

Nice men fixing office supplies

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest: The Chief breaks into the institution and brings McMurphy to life with his magic pillow. McMurphy helps end the bad attitudes/rebellion against Nurse Ratchet, before being declared sane, and sent to a work farm.

Kill Bill: Uma Thurman resurrects a bunch of people before lapsing into a coma and wakes up in a wedding dress.

Evil Dead 2: An insane man gradually regains his sanity over the space of a night.

Look at the evil dead helping her out of the grave

Cloverfield: The US Army firebombs New York. A giant monster feels obligated to help put it back together. The protagonists have a party, and go to the fair.

Night of the Living Dead: It's a movie about dead people who come back to life.

The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy, a young girl from Kansas, uses some magical shoes to travel to another world. Suddenly, some water spilled on the ground rises up into the form of a wicked witch. Dorothy is scared and flees east to a city made entirely out of emerald, where she meets a wizard who tells her that she cannot return home until the wicked witch is dead. She also meets some traveling companions; the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion. She sets off east as there is also a wicked witch in that direction. Along the way, the Cowardly Lion's nerves break down and he runs away. The Tin Woodsman rusts and Dorothy leaves him in a forest. The Scarecrow begins to annoy Dorothy with his unceasing chatter and she sticks him on a pole for birds to peck at. Finally, with only her faithful dog Toto left by her side, Dorothy finds the wicked witch, but the witch is already dead; a house has fallen on her. With the witch having been killed, Dorothy can now return home; she enters the house and a magical tornado transports her and Toto back to Kansas.

Just don't play Darkside of the Moon backwards while watching it. It's a mind trip

The Royal Tenenbaums: Luke Wilson, after receiving an infusion of magical blood through his wrists miraculously grows a ton of a hair and revitalizes his beard but unfortunately is too late to revitalize his career.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: a charming story about the only guy in the world who experiences time correctly, and eventually turns into a dwarf

The Ring: Little girl resurrects people from gruesome deaths before crawling backwards into their TVs.

Backwards it's God putting faces on a bunch of Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: An American archeologist, his girlfriend and their Asian kid take a lot of Indian kids to an underground temple to put them to work as slaves who are supposed to cover up gems in the ground. After meeting a very extravagant surgeon who's quite good at heart transplants, they jump up into an airplane in a raft. They then go to Shanghai and break up.

Saving Private Ryan: A unit of soldiers that has just dropped of a friendly soldier behind enemy lines travels hundreds of miles through occupied countryside to be able to retreat back to England.

Inland Empire: I still have no fucking idea what's going on.

The Princess Bride: A young boy is sick, but he is happy because his grandfather is coming to read him a book. However, as the story goes on, the boy gets less and less interested. At the end, the grandfather decides to be a dick and pinches the boy's cheek even though he knows the boy hates this. The boy can't wait for the grandfather to leave. He decides that he hates books and quickly goes back to playing video games.

Wall-e: A dangerously malfunctioning robot sabotages a spaceship's attempt to return to Earth, before traveling back to undo the decontamination efforts. What a dick.

The Big Lebowski: The Dude and Walter suck some ashes out of the ocean with a magic coffee can. Later on, they meet Donny who was asleep in a parking lot. Together, the three of them help some Germans up who had fallen down in front of a burning car. They celebrate by swinging a sword around! The Dude kicks a woman out of his apartment after having sex, and our three heroes spend a lot of time working at the local bowling alley helping set up pins and return bowling balls to their proper places.

Walter and The Dude leave a suburban home after Walter repairs a dented car with a baseball bat. The Dude gives his old dirty car away to the impound lot, only to get it back later finding it cleaned and repaired! He meets the woman from earlier, but strangely dosen't remember her. She has a job removing paint from large rolls of canvas.

The Dude and Walter narrowly avoid a car crash and manage to catch a bag that was thrown into their car window! The bag mysteriously contains Walter's underwear. At home, The Dude notices he suddenly has a rug he has never seen before and he decides has had enough of his new rug, and gives it to a wealthy man in a mansion. He replaces it with an older rug.

Later on while The Dude is relaxing at home, some helpful gentleman appear and help The Dude by removing some urine from his old rug with some sort of pants vacuum.

After some more helpful work down at the bowling alley, The Dude decides to erase a check and return some milk to the local supermarket.

That's just, like, your opinion, man.

And with that, I'm not sure what else can be said. Certainly not going to top the dude so I'll leave it at that. Ah, the wonders of the rewind button.

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