Sunday, March 1, 2009

The End Of Bacon Month Part II

The End Of Bacon Month Part II

In the last blog I talked about Bacon Stupidity Month but never really explained it. For the last 28 days Mike T. Nelson has been eating nothing but Bacon in a "Bacon Stupidity" move. Who is this San Diego man and why is he eating bacon? Because it was a dare and like anything in life, if you're dared to do something, it's your duty to god damn do it!
I’ll get right to the good stuff: for the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon.

Why? Because bacon is nature’s finest and most nourishing food. Also, because several doubters on the RiffTrax staff had the unmitigated gall to insult bacon by making the outrageous claim that, as good as it is, no one could eat very much of it and live. I can and will. Therefore I will spend the month proving it.

So today Mike is either a less fat man, cause really, how do you gain weight with starving yourself with just bacon? Or he'll be dead. I hope it's not the second option since I do like hearing him make fun of popular films through Rifftrax.

I wouldn't worry too much though. He made it through it. Besides there is some logic and science behind this whole "Bacon isn't THAT bad" logic. The world's oldest Woman credits her long life to eating bacon daily.
The Los Angeles resident credits her own longevity to her religious faith, her life-long efforts to do the right thing and an occasional piece of crispy bacon.
That should tell you something about the wonder animal that is the pig and his fatty fatty underside. The real question is How do you keep it fresh and new? I mean, you eat bacon three times a day and not mix it up in some strange fashion like they do in PART 1, you're just asking for some boredom to set in. I don't care how good bacon is, after a couple of days of eating nothing but it you'll start to go crazy. Bacon crazed! You're left with the mystery of how do you keep the dare in tack and still enjoy a shit ton of bacon in a month? One word - Condiments.

Because Mayo and Bacon go hand and hand

If your up for something different, you can always use Baconnaise. For those of you watching your weight there's always Baconnaise Lite. For when you're craving bacon in your mayo but don't want to deal with the calories involved.

I'm not exactly sure how that came to exist. Did someone just figure that if Thousand island was just mayo, ketchup and relish that they could toss in bacon and get rid of the pickles and ketchup to make something divine? If so, good show. You are truly ahead of the game here, proud inventor of the baconnaise. May your fortune be made off the pile of heart attacks you'll cause!

After a meal packed with Bacon piled with Baconnese how do you keep your teeth clean and clear of all that bacon? I mean, it's tough to not get little bacon bits stuck in your teeth. How about some Bacon Flavored Dental Floss.

Ah yes. I'm just waiting for the bacon flavored tooth paste before I start brushing my teeth again. Not till then will I understand the value of brushing three times a day. Mostly after a meal and whenever I snack. What do I look like I have, OCD? Noooo thank you to that bull!

Since the last blog was about the actual food you can eat, this was going to focus on the other aspects of bacon. The flavors in what you can get it into. Earlier I showed you some of the horrors that were witnessed from the "This Is Why You're Fat's" website but then one of the pictures hit a nerve and it wasn't because it was related to anything bacon. I saw this strange oddity:

A McDonald’s chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a chicken McNugget.

This was strange and disturbing. If you could make a McDonald's related drink into a cocktail then what's stopping you from making a Bacon infused drink? Certainly nothing stopping the folks at the Double Down Saloon. Who have been making Bacon Martinis for some time now. Since you don't always have the ability to go to Vegas, why not bring the taste of Vegas quality dive bars to you? It's a question often asked.. "How can I create bacon infused vodka for my martinis at home?" Ask no longer. In honor of Mike Nelson having a month full of bacon for sustenance I'll teach you how to make bacon infused vodka.


Step 1: Get bacon. Lots of it. I like the applewood smoked bacon normally, but I thought that I should stick to the basics for this experiment. No need to make Applewood smoked bacon vodka.

Step 2: Fry that motherfuckin' shit up, yo! Careful not to burn yourself. Growing up I would always burn myself on the grease.

Step 3: Get yourself a clean glass container and some Vodka. I went with Effin because it would be interesting to say "It's Effin' Bacon Vodka" You can use whatever cheap shit you want. You are putting bacon in it and we all know bacon makes anything awesome. Make sure to pat down the bacon to take off some of the grease. You know, to watch that figure of yours.

Step 4: Fill the jar with the Vodka of your choosing and seal it up tight. Make sure no air will get in. You're shooting for 750ml containers for about 3-4 slices of bacon. So adjust accordingly if you're making larger quantities of Bacon Vodka.

Step 5: Put it in a dark corner and just forget about it for 3 weeks. Don't look at it. Don't touch it. You really aren't going to want to see it. It's pretty nasty looking when you get it out. As if you put someones severed finger, brain or dead fetus in a jar.

Why yes.. this bacon is... kosher... I'm going to the non-existent Jewish hell

Step 6: You're not done yet. Put the bottle in the freezer for 24 hours. This will solidify any remaining fat that is floating in your mixture. Believe me, you want to make sure that fat is as solid as possible in white chunks so that it can be filtered out.

Step 7: Don't worry about puking. It doesn't smell and all the alcohol content killed off anything that could have survived in there. Get a coffee filter and some containers. I went with two pom tea glasses so I can filter it a couple of times.

Step 8: Filter. Pour it into the coffee filter and it'll catch all those solid lard pieces. You're going to have to do this a couple of times. Think of it this way, you're just filtering it out extra times

Eventually you'll be left with a yellowish/white alcoholic liquid. Throw the bacon away. Seriously. You don't want to accidentally take a bite out of that thing. It's beyond gross. You can place your new bacon infused vodka on the shelf in a nice bottle if you want. Just make sure to label it. No one should dare take this unless they are fully prepared for it.

Step 9: Enjoy!

Make some martini out of this if you want. Here's the basics on a dirty martini. And believe me, with this pork product infused drink, it's nothing but dirty.

1 1/2 oz Bacon infused Vodka
3/4 oz dry vermoouth
Shake vodka and vermouth together with several ice cubes in a shaker. Strain into a cocktail glass, garnish with a blue cheese stuff olive or a piece of cooked bacon and serve.

This drink is to you, Mike Nelson! Congrats on a month of poor eating choices!

If anyone else wants to do the same and eat bacon for a month straight... well, I'm sure you can and I'm sure no one will stop you. Try the bacon vodka recipe. It'll really hit you hard on how much it taste like bacon without actually eating bacon. It really has a strong meat feel to it and how could that NOT be delicious?

Now let's close the book on the bacon craze for a while. Yes, it's a great product. We just don't need to be bombarded with so many Bacon enriched treats. I'm not one to talk. I bought bacon chocolate during the Holiday season. Now that was interesting.

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