Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm So Left.....

I'm So Left.....

Today is March 4th and every year I make a really stupid "March forth!" double meaning joke. No one gets it, maybe I get a chuckle here or there. It's awkward all around. But perhaps I'll take it one step forward and write what I'm marching forth for.

I'm up for writing a list of reasons why I'm so left in my political views. It's a way to earn street cred. In a country that it's currently hip to be leaning towards the left side of the political spectrum. I mean, back during the early Bush administration being a democrat was rather silly. Look at what Bill Clinton did? Get us out of debt? HOW DARE HIM!

In these dark (har har) Obama days, it seems that everyone is going against the republicans. Remember folks, without light we can't define dark. Without evil we cannot put meaning to evil. Without Right wing wackos we can't just tell how left we are.

I'm so left...

... I support abortion into the second year

... I gave up all possessions and squat in a warehouse. I'm blogging from the library

... I believe that the value of product is determined by the amount of intial materials plus the labour that is used to create it im literally covered in my own shit

.... I support UHC for trees

... I consider Lenin a right wing wacko

.... I keep going in circles

... I made a katy perry cover with the blog title

... I smoke weed everyday

... I believe capitalism is literally insane

... I castrated myself because a penis is a symbol of the patriarchy

... I am the star of the popular series of novels, Left Behind

... I adopt a baby and have it perform the abortion of my biological one

... I robbed three of my friends blind to buy dinner for six others

... I deliberately suppress my immune system so as not harm my endogenous bacteria

... I want to nationalize pot

... I once touched an ayn rand book and my hand passed through it, like a ghost; I could not interact with such matter

... My car's steering wheel is hooked up to a ratchet system so i can only turn left. sometimes i have to drive through shrubbery to get out of a parking lot. such is my sacrifice

... I not only don't shave my armpits, I rub super glue and loam into them, then plant seeds. But I'm not content to farm my natural crevices, no, I apply gibberelic acid like deodorant and grow cabbage-trees in my filthy pits

... My zine is printed on paper recycled specifically from other leftist zines printed on recycled paper. I print very small copies so i can distribute it to the wasps that live outside my window. I think they're reading it because the other day one of them flew in and kept stinging me! hell yeah way to fight the power

... Whenever I do tests I'm afraid I'll get the answers right

... I am Che Guevara. Literally. I did not die in the jungle, that was a lie. I survived. And now I am posting on the internet

... I think gun owners should be shot with crossbows, but since crossbows are made out of wood, they are more evil than guns for taking away mother gaia's labors.

... I fully support the death penalty as long as we only execute capitalists

... I subsist entirely on air, I'm a maybe you've heard of us. Sorry vegans, you're almost there

... I watch nascar ironically because the cars only go left

... My keffiyeh has a keffiyeh

... but this feels so right

... I want mandatory same sex marriage

... I don't blame Bush for being a bad president - he's just a product of his socioeconomic upbringing.

... I'm literally covered in my own shit

... I'm so left that my attitudes to pornography are indistinguishable from those of social conservatives

... Behind. my family was raptured. demons walk the street why cruel god.

... I made fun of the Left Behind series twice so far.

... I don't seize the means of production, I blow them up

... I want to nationalize whole foods

... I'm so left I'm posting this on a computer made entirely out of soy.

... I use cotton balls made of hemp.

... I believe that capital gains should be taxed a bit more than they are currently

... You can only ever see me in your peripheral vision

... I'm so left i don't have sex, I seize the means of reproduction

... The fillings in my teeth jam all non-NPR AM radio transmissions within a half mile.

Maybe now you get the idea on how left I actually am. Perhaps I'll get a comedy show out of this. Hey, it worked for Jeff Foxworthy with his "You might be a redneck..." shit. Then again, would I want one? I mean, it'll be shown on the idiot box and have capitalistic ads mixed in there between the segments. So so rich fat cat up there in Viacom will be making a profit off me! Fuck that, I say! No one's going to seize the means of production from me!

I think being left is pretty nice. I mean, it's a whole lot better than what the conservatives have going for themselves these days.

Apparently he's doing the news shows now. the video this is from is worth watching


He never explains why he appears to be wearing lipstick but its pretty lol that an obnoxious morbidly obese drug addict, a retarded plumber, and a 14 year old boy are the current face of the modern republican party.

Perhaps you folks remembered to vote yesterday. I guess I should have posted this on Tuesday. Sorry, I was too busy buying Wonder Woman and getting geeky greek things together. Perhaps if I did, you handful of readers would have went out and rocked the vote, making it so the Mayor Villagosa would have had to do a run off election.

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