Now That's Just Bananas

Now That's Just Bananas

I once worked on a series called "When Animals Attack." It wasn't one of my finer moments in my career but it was a paycheck and dirty money still carries the same currency as fancy Wallstreet money... in these hard economic times, maybe it's actually worth the paper it's printed on.



The special taught me one thing.. Don't fuck with animals. People you could turn your back on. Most of them are scared of laws and other shit like that. But never, ever turn your back on an animal. This story only proves my point.

Famous Chimp Goes Ape!

A pet chimpanzee - who had appeared in TV commercials and shows - got loose at a home at 241 Rock Rimmon Road in Stamford Monday afternoon, according to Stamford police. And it was not his first time.

The 175-pound animal attacked its owner's friend, leaving the victim with severe facial injuries. She was taken to Stamford Hospital. Police do not expect the person to live. The friend, believed to be a 50-year-old woman, opened the car door and was promptly attacked.

The Stamford Advocate reports the primate's owner called 911 and then tried to stop the attack by stabbing the chimp with a butcher knife.

An officer shot and killed the animal when it tried to get into his police cruiser, said police.

The animal was reportedly named Travis and had issues in the past.

On October 19, 2003, Travis escaped from his owner's SUV and went running through the streets. More than a dozen police officers chased around after him at the time.

In a newspaper article at the time, police said the chimp, then 10, was toilet trained. He reportedly dressed himself, ate at the table and drank wine. He could use a computer and remote control.

He starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials and even appeared on the Maury Povich Show, according to an article in the Stamford Advocate.

Sounds like He went bananas . Little-known fact: Chimps are assholes. My question is how often has he gone apeshit before? How long was it between the owner stabbing the chimp and the cops showing up to shoot him? Was the chimp ignoring the owner stabbing it or what? I'm glad this monkey business was stopped before anyone else was injured.

Did you know that a chimp, upon attacking you, will first go after your face. If you can't see it, then you can't kill it. Then after trying to rip off your face it'll go after your junk. Chimp attacks are most often caused because a chimp thinks you're going to rape it. Some how chimps are filled with such an ego that they think they're so god damn hot that everyone wants to rape them. So just look like you don't want to fuck the chimp and you'll be ok.


When animals attack Air Conditioners

This happens more often than you think. I remember watching some show on Discovery or whatever about this guy who takes care of chimps/monkeys for a living and he had no NOSE or EARS and big hunks taken out of him because they went apeshit at him. I also heard a story of one person who donated their ex-pet monkey to a zoo, when he came back to visit it with a gift it started a chain reaction of monkey jelousy and had his testicles ripped right off.

I think it's pay back for having them stuffed into children's clothes and paraded around like idoits. In the wild chimps wage war against rival groups, and if they outnumber the enemy they will attack and then rip off the enemy's testicles and other parts, and continue to angrily mutilate him long after he is dead. I remember reading about a guy who had his nose bit off and his testicles ripped off by a chimp a couple of years ago. Be wary, people, and guard your balls around chimps.


More dumb pets

Monkeys would make great elite commandos if we could train them properly. Just think of what would have happened if that chimp had gotten into that police cruiser like they said it was trying to do, it would have been unstoppable. Now THAT would make a great movie.

Here is a video of the incident. As you can see the whole thing was very brief and although the woman was injured in the end it looks like she will be OK.

He'd better not have been wearing people-clothes when they shot him! That would be the difference between an unfortunate incident and a tragedy.



In the end the real issue here is could a chimp kill a human with something more than its teeth. Like a sword or something. But then we'll be arguing about guns vs swords. There will be no need to argue about swords when humans invented flame throwers. Swords be damned. Someone needs to invent a chimp thrower. Or possibly a flaming chimp thrower. The country that has those first will rule the world. Absolute power corrupts absolutely . How do you stop the chimps from turning around and coming after you? That's just a risk you've got to take when you're involved in gorilla warfare.

But this isn't the first and it wont be the last time this sort of thing happens as made clear from this other Monkey attack

St. James Davis, 62, sustained horrific injuries after being attacked by the chimps. Davis had part of his face ripped off, losing his nose, lips and right eye, said his wife. He also lost all of his fingers and part of his right foot and right hand.

Basically, this husband and wife raised a little chimp like their own son, dressing it, teaching it to use the toilet it and everything else. Then police took it away after it bit an officer and a local woman.


You don't want to see what happens when this animal attacks

When the couple go visit the chimp for its birthday, they sit down with the chimp for birthday cake. Then their chimp, along with other chimps, go nuts and attack the man. Why would you ever keep such a dangerous, powerful, and intelligent animal as a pet? It's like they took crazy cat lady to its most horrifying extreme.