DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

This post was totally done while in an emotionally exhausted state while I was probably laying in a bed silently. Why you ask? I mean, I don't know, perhaps it's just a state of depression. These things happen. Even more so now that the Holidays are coming up.

You all had that feeling every now and then. None of us are safe from it. Those days you get home fro work to just lay in bed with your work clothing still on, watching re-runs of some boring sitcom you really have no interest in because you literally can't get your body to do anything else. Then you can only twitch when thinking of actually getting up.

It's not the best of states, but it happens. Then that cycle repeats for however long it takes to be late for something important. Only to feel like even more of a piece of shit and you decide to pull the covers over yourself even tighter and forget whatever it was that you needed to get out of bed for.

I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Life's not THAT bad"

To be honest, it can sometimes be pretty bad. Then you try to think of how you can improve the quality of your life and become emotionally drained from thoughts and lies down for another few hours dwelling on it.

Not to brag, but a top depression highlight in my past was not eating for days on end because I was too lazy to go to the grocery tore, then leaving to buy booze the second I ran out of liquor. Gotta have priorities, man.

One time when I was down I got asked why I'm depressed again. I didn't feel like explaining it, just needed to realize that it's something that happens sometimes so I shrugged it off, they continue to tell me that I should just cheer up. 

Thanks man. 

As for therapy. I have the idea that while therapy may not be able to fix a sort of chemical imbalance that can cause this sort of thing, it can teach you things like coping mechanisms t deal with it or fix the toxic thought processes that it causes. And you know what, I'm not opposed to any of that.

There's also the factor that personality disorders are present and that complicates shit because there is a huge percentage of psychs and LCSWs out there who feel the need to gatekeep the hell out of basic healthcare with shit like  "Are you sure you're really depressed?"

I would like to ask them if they think "real doctors" would insist a patient prove their illness is real. Are you sure your broken leg is actually... broken? Really makes it difficult to trust the system that seems to just want to cast anything that isn't easily treated with pharma medicine aside.

Then there's the issue of socialization. Man, I don't know about you, but there's been one or two instances were you just stare at your unread phone messages for days, getting more anxious about it as each day passes by in terms of how or when you will respond to them.

Reaching out to old friends after being completely apathetic about the friendship is one of the most troubling and stressful things you can think of. I'm pretty sure a lot of people suffer from this. Even though we live in an age where you can literally contact anyone a hundred different ways ranging from email, social media, telephone, cell phone, smoke cloud, carrier pigeon, etc. I think the best advice for this is to be apologetic while also not groveling or whining and most of all not making excuses. Everyone realizes that life happens and you can just chalk it up to that. 

Even so, you can get to a place where you just start typing in your phone but then doubt sets in and you get that pathetic feeling and it will make any small effort feel like climbing a mountain. Ultimately the best advice I can give you for this or when you feel like you want to actually do some socialization but... not really too much. Just reach out with the statement

"I can't think of anything to say. I'm not ignoring you, I just think I'm too dumb and boring for friends.  In conclusion, I want to be your friend, but I don't know if you hate me and you're much cooler than me and I sort of just hope you'll initiate this friendship even though you probably think I hate you because I'm too pussy to interact with you"

Man, that got dark fast. But you know what, that's not a problem. Sometimes it's okay to feel the way you feel. Being sad is okay at times. Just do you, man.