THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

THE MONSTER MASH - NOT THE GRAVEYARD SMASH

Look, you didn't miss much at the party. For all the talk that the Monster Mash was a graveyard smash, it really wasn't that great of a party. From start to the very end. Look, if you want to see a lot of freaks awkwardly stand around, you can go to any sort of geeky meet up. This one just had the luxury of a lot of different beast all around.

You would think getting the invite to this sort of party would mean that you made it in the monster world, but man, they'll just about give an invite to everyone. I saw a hipster monster, you probably never heard of them anyway. But the party has a bunch of monsters who never seem to want to be there in the first place, as if they have some place better to be on Halloween night instead of partying it up with mutual associates like themselves? Anyhow, the conversations are dreadfully boring.

Don't believe me? Here's some of the things I over heard at the party;

 
"Man, I hate being invited to this fucking Mash every year. Dracula shows off his castle and talks about all the women he fanged this year. Frankenstein smells worse every year and moans about his wife that hates him. And the Wolfman, fuck that guy, shedding everywhere and acting like he's so cool."  -The clown with the tear away face


"Oh wow, would you look at the Invisible man drinking punch - You could totally see it going down his throat. Yeeeeaaah, that never gets old."
"Dude, if you're tired of that bit, do not, I mean, DO NOT go to the urinals at the same time as him. Ugh. "


"Do you knew who the fuck I am? Don't you asshats know that an entire contry used to be terrified of me? I'm a goddamn Dullahan! I used to ride into the night and signal death by screaming with my disembodied head! Now I'm out here pouring shitty rum punch down my neckhold and trying to get my rotten corpse dick wet!"


"Just throwing it out there, Large Marge is going to do that thing again with her face over by the chips. Tell her I sent you!"


"Listen, mother fucker, I'm not 'a medusa', I'm a gorgon. GorGON!! Not Gordon!"


"I know I'm 700 years old and way out of touch with everything, but there didn't use to be grinding at Grand balls like this." "


"Yo, anyone know where the rest of the food tables are? Speafinger is wandering around asking where all the fresh babies are. I'm just curious as to why every monster has to eat the same thing? Either every culture has no imagination or straight up babies are delicious"
"Dude, there's like, 20 ghost and monster babies here. Totally not cool."


"I'm the Blob, please keep you punch mugs away from me. I'm not for drinking!"


"I-i-i just don't know if you can use th-the upstairs bathroom, I am Torgo! I sim-simply take care of the pl-place while the M-Master is away."

"Robert Neville I'm sure Drac just invited you to be ironic. 'Oooooooh, the last man on Earth?! Oh no, I get it now, all us monsters see YOU as the monster!'  Laaaaaaaame!"


"Oh look, it's that fat cenobite. I always wondered what exactly is it that you are eating in the hell dimension to get so fucking fat? Razor blades? I mean, I shouldn't be so insensitive, he may have an eating disorder. Just cause he's from the hell dimension, I shouldn't be a dick about things. Oh shit, he's at the baby table. Fuuuuuuck, he just ate two of them. Ugh. What the fuck? I got to go puke" 


"Who the fuck let Frankenstein's monsterous machild up in here? Looks like he's so desperate for a wife. Did the Creature from the Black Lagoon need to bring his human girlfriend here to show off? Fucker looks too damn smug"


"Yeah, I'm a bat-boy.... like, a boy, who is a bat. get it? Bat-boy.   Well, sure I don't look like that anymore. I was, like, nine or whatever when they took the picture. You wanna buy some drugs?Look, I met the president once. okay."



"Oh great, Teen Wolf is already passed out. You know, I don't think you should be allowed to call yourself that when you're, like, 40, with a comb over like that"


"I'M THE SHAMBLING MOUND! Did you know that our wetlands are in danger? For only a few dollar donation you can save the we...   wait, where are you going? Come back?"


"Look, I know we're all here because some stupid song from the mid-century, but did they also have to invite the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater? His voice is fucking annoying"


At this point I was turning down an invitation from Uncle Fester and the Flatwoods monster to go do lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw. So clearly the party had devolved into the mess a Monster Mash would turn in to.  Let's just say shit got real.


"Night hags have spells that turn them hot.... right?  One just kinda flirted with me, and while she looks about 800 years old... It's just been a long dry spell and.... well, I don't know. Maaaaybe?"


"Oh great, here comes Dracula's large adult son. Last year he came with a human that just, like, started to whip the shit out of everyone. Not in a sexy way either. What the fuck was up with that anyway?  You think it's a little weird that Drac named his kid Alucard? What do you mean your son is named Alucohc? Oh, fuck. well, I feel like an idiot."


"Who let the dumbass with the rubber mask in? Listen up old man Wadsworth just because you can scare a few drugged up teens and their great dane doesn't mean you can party with us."


 "Careful when you go to the bathroom, Dodrugen is just waiting outside of the door winking at people. Don't act like you don't know him, he's the toilet deugh. You know, when you least expect it, it comes out of the pipes and pulls humans taking a shit into the crapper by their intestines? Yeah, not the most social of cats, I take it. Just all around creepy dude."


"Oh, for fucks sake, why does Wolfman keep inviting him? Great, he's coming this way. -Hey Mothy, what's going on big guy?" What do you mean don't be afraid?  Oh, really, 43 monsters will get drunk at the party, 7 will get laid? That's an odd number. Fuck you, why do you think I won't be among them? Yeah, yeah. we get it Mothy. Anyway, I'll ask if they can turn down the lights, I'm tired of seeing you walk into them all night."



"Sup, ladies. Have you heard my crazy origin story? You see, there was this one internet site full of losers who made up monsters in photoshop. Long story short, I got my own movie out of it and some girls committed a murder for little ol' long many armed me. Can I get some digits?"
 

 "No, I'm not a ghost, I'm a ghast. Look, it's just different, okay?"


"Yes, I am a floating brain in a robot body, but I'm so much more. I also do standup comedy. I do a little thing called anti-comedy. My jokes end up being funny because they're so bad. It's really some cutting edge stuff. Very hip... what's that? Look, I don't want to confirm it, but sure, I am hitler's brain. Just don't go spreading that around."


"Am I seeing shit or does anyone else see at least three different Christopher Lee's walking around?"


""Vhat the hell happened here, Ze demogrogon vomited on manvolf? He haz veen a real vreck zince Barbara left him, it'z kinda zad. Vut on ze other hanz, Manvolf iz zuch an uptight doouche, he deserved dat."


"I get the mistake, really, but I'm a death bed. Not a regular bed. Can you fuckers stop trying to get lucky on top of me, I'm just trying to enjoy the party."


"Oh, would I like a drink? No thank you, I'm just a suit of armour, so all it does is make my ankles rusty."


"Uh...someone should tell Dracula that the Green Monster is outside of the castle."
"What's the problem? This is a party for monsters."
"No...dude...like the fucking baseball stadium from Boston somehow showed up outside the castle. Bleachers and all.
"It's alive?!"
"I guess, you should tell it that just because it has monster in its name doesn't make it a monster"
"I am not talking to a baseball field. That's just fucking stupid."


"Awesome, La Llorona brought some tamales and those Mexican skeletons have a couple of kegs of Modelo and some tequila! This will get the party started finally. Just don't let those Chinese hopping Ghost near any of that shit, they turn into real dicks when they get wasted."


"Hey, uh... wow, this is awkward. Someone invited that Rapey Tree Guy. No, not Brett Kavanaugh, the actual rapetree from Evil Dead... yeah, look, I can't have that kind of shit going down at this party ok. Can you get... like, Drac to talk to him? Don't we have demon termites or something that can get rid of him? He needs to get out, like yesterday."


"IT'S ME, COMEDY LEGEND ADAM SANDLER! and I'm a vampire! Here are my wacky friends, and we are here to film a movie! Don't mind Rob Schneider, he's just an anti-vax racist. Who wants to hear a song?"



Yup, at that point I just said fuck it and left. Out of all the monsters, psychopaths, and murderers there, he had to be the one who managed to kill the good vibe. Wouldn't you know it.