2018... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

2018.... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

In the history of years that I have bare witness to, 2018 was one for the records. Not the good kind of records either. The kind that you're wondering how the fuck things could have gone so bad and then suddenly it finds a way to get far far worse. This year was complete and utter shit and I suffered through it all in a state of PTSD over what was happening and what continued to happen in ways to kick me while I was down. More to the point it was never ending relentless in terms of how it just kept getting worse and worse.

From dealing with a five month long battle for the house I grew up in defending it against a foreclosure situation my father, dead of 4 years left, to barely just salvaging the home at the 11th hour a few days from public auction.

Then you have the slew of cat deaths in the colony that I have taken care of for over a decade now. A few of which were my personal animal pets. Indiana, who I saw born here and I held as he left this mortal coil... that shit just destroyed me. He was my ride or die little buddy who constantly loved me very much. Losing him just was a gut punch and I'm still not sure how I'm holding up.

Then you have the death of my idols. Bourdain, who I still haven't talked about on here because it's still something raw. An inspiration in how I cook, travel and see the world. Hell, even how I write. There is plenty to say about that and I honestly am still not there to say it.

Then you have the loss of a life that I thought I had already set up. My relationship of almost 10 years suddenly changed and not because of any of my doing. So the life I thought I had set up and was continuing suddenly got uprooted and completely changed. I had to deal with a huge and dramatic change to what I thought my life was going to be like and the hard right turn that the direction my life is now going is still something I'm trying to figure out. That lasted from almost the beginning of the year and I'm still working through that stuff.

2018... you sucked fucking ass. And I know if you look back at the history of these post, you'll see that I say similar stuff about most years, but this year has been far and away the worst thing to possibly happen to me in my lifetime. This has been the most times I questioned my own sanity and the lowest I have ever been through. All throughout, I have tried my best to keep my head above water, to think positive and to take the shit that was tossed at me with as much possible learning and living lessons I can.

That doesn't mean I valued the experience. I didn't. Not in the slightest. This has been some of the worst shit possible and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. No one should go through the pain and suffering I have gone through this year. That is not fair in the slightest and it's also just flat out something I don't think anyone should have to deal with.

Do I hope 2019 has more in store for me in terms of actually doing something positive? Yeah, but I'm sure that once the clock rolls to midnight, it's not going to be a new year new me sort of situation. There is work to be done, I have a bright future in the sense that I have an apartment building that is about to pay back all that I have put in and be something I am proud of. I have a promising career in pressuring my hobbies this year. Traveling is a must and now I have the means to do it. So you know what, fuck the 2018 horrors. I will make sure that 2019 is something I work at living the fullest to.