THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T GET HER FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T GET HER FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

I am single. This is actually the first time in a long time that I am actually single on Valentine's day. It's a rather strange thing considering... well, it's really not. I mean, even when I was in a relationship during this holiday we celebrate a beheaded saint who had a strange desire to marry random shit together, I probably complained about the corporate feeling that this forced holiday has.

In any case, maybe my wild and creative side can be harnessed by the power of you to make your own Valentine's day a little better.


Do not, under any circumstance, give her something you bought from the street corner. You know how they pop up like capitalist pigs sucking on the teet of consumerism every Valentine's day. With flowers, pink and red crap, teddy bears and other bullshit just looking for you to get that last minute item that you totally fucked up in not buying before. On top of that, the items they sell there are more overpriced than even the overpriced shit at the stores and it's all cheap looking and feeling. Besides, nothing says you give so little shit as the lack of effort you did in just rolling down the fucking window to pay for it, you may as well just not bother and move on.

Chocolate - Yeah, this is a tough one, but stay with me right here. It's expensive and nothing gets you in bigger trouble than the reality that you have to actually tell her the truth when you ask if she's gained weight all because you bought her fucking full price. what you should do instead is the following..

Go shopping the next day - I mean, it's simple. Women.love.to.shop. It's a proven fact of life and if you don't know that by now, then I don't know how you ended up fooling that woman to be with you. But the fact that they like to shop can be used to ease the fact that your valentine's day gift or experience sort of sucked. Mainly because on the day after Valentine's day - and most holidays for that matter, stores clearance out the shit that didn't sell at high mark offs. You know what's better than chocolate? Discounted chocolates. Women love deals. the more the better.

On top of that, you'll both still get fat in the relationship, it's just a fact of life.. But at least you'll do it at a discount so that you can afford the better things in life like health insurance.

Diamonds or some sort of proposal. Just don't fucking do that around Valentine's day. People already assume those couples going out are insufferable enough. You don't have to add insult or rub it in their face that they are even just doing the bare min. for this stupid hallmark holiday. Don't complicate your own shit either because how the fuck do you top that come next year? See, you're only dooming yourself and the sanity of others by proposing. We all know facebook is about dick swinging your cherry picked moments, this just screams that you're a huge prick.

Not to mention that if Valentine's Day is the anniversary of that scared moment, you just overshadowed a gift moment for her. It's like when people are born near Christmas and they only get one gift. Naw, dawg, you need to spread that shit around the year. I already feel bad for whomever has their birthday a month around Christmas before or after, that shit is just lost in the weeds and you can't just make it so that your year has so many droughts in terms of celebrations when you're gifting them something. So, you know, use your head a little on this one.

and STD. Yup, should go without saying that you probably shouldn't give them an STD on this holiday. I mean, I had no real material after that to follow up on. I'm really just padding the word count on this one. You know, perhaps you shouldn't give them an STD on any other night as well. Just get yourself checked, yo.

Some time off from the kids does not count as a gift. I mean, let's be real, you have so much of your own time off when you are dumping that parental responsibility on her anyway. Making it something as a gift is not fair. so just don't assume it will float because it fucking wont.

I mean, there's some things you shouldn't give her. I would also say a snake, some jumper cables and maybe the last of your fries. Mostly because the chances are when you were in the drive thru and you asked her if she wanted anything, she said no and what the fuck would you know, the moment your combo fries hit the seat she's already eating them. If you offer the last fries then you may as well have bought two of them cause fuck that shit. Am I not right?!